Remembered Loves

This is a collection of poems I composed in the late 1960s to early 1980s. They reflect my relationships and their effect on me. The political climate was very different in the U.K. then. I hope you enjoy them.

REMEMBERED LOVES

1. RED Your hair falls as autumn leaves russet across my pillow its colour repeated in the freckles spotted perfectly across your face your marble white skin a precise foil you lie pouting in sleep my Titian cherub small yet strong and beautiful limbs sturdy lips chiselled cheekbones proudly guarding them

2. MUSE Virgin white the paper lies before me awaiting the assault of my pen but my mind unaroused without him excites it not to words of beauty

3. To Craig Do I talk about it Can I Can I mention your height your slimness the size of your hands colour of your eyes their stare the frankness shown the love latent there the love I want

4. Timmo It is quiet in my bedroom again no more the whispering at dawn when replete I murmured endearments until you innocently fell to sleep no more the groans and sighs of our loves consummation No it is quiet in my bedroom now but sometimes it hears your name as I call out in troubled sleep remembering and toss and turn to wake alone my male hardness seeking yours

5. Hayden I went home and cried what else could I do to have met you embraced you kissed you then been denied our mutual bed by your straight flat mate whose arrival noisy thank god made my sleeping there impossible

6. Hayden I've never clung, hung on said see no other no restrictions, no limitations you are young, be free no ground rules, well one let me be your true love play the field, have fun and always come back to me

7. Erroll. The moleskin hill, which is your belly is no obstacle for the Pilgrim my tongue as I worship at your temple

8. Hayden It is difficult for us to meet alone yesterday was all arranged two perfect hours together but when, excited, I arrived you gently let me down the flatmate was to return a brief half hour was all we had you had bathed prepared the bed ready for our oneness that meant so much to me yesterday

9. Evening The rosy blue of summer skies as night descends confronts my eyes the colour is so strange to see it wakens something deep in me

10. Tony. There is a certain intimacy I speak you reply or return my look if we are distant occasionally I buy your drink once you bought mine flush from some punter? I didn't ask I won't condemn but if ever in bed we meet pleasing each other don't ask for money not then

11. Timmo So stern your glance high cheekbones granite chin sober in the morning ignoring last night's ecstasy the pleasure from my tongue on it's journey from neck to thigh to centre on that marble manhood Memory all I have My contentment no other man's been there!

12. Timmo The last day I will see you I must capitalise on your presence thank God you're half drunk now you will smile and flirt with your near perfect eyes How cold is Finland so cold you need so warm a smile?

13. At Rest Sometimes I like to be alone a coffee a cigarette nothing to do nowhere to go no-one to see just thoughts memories hopes dreams remembering pleasant times not fraught with anxiety a wish to please a need to be

14. Tez. He spoke of friendship trust He trusted me to bed naked he slept complementing the comfort He trusted me his back my stomach merging prenatally He trusted me soft translucent skin no fat no blemish Beauty He trusted me gently I kissed his shoulder lingered yearned He trusted me He trusted me and so I slept

15. Hayden Oh to know the brief heat of loins that cool to a pleasant warm stickiness with soft sweaty smells that linger enticing for hours to re-arouse revitalise my body to further excess

16. Hayden You pen love notes come to see me say nice things and yet our goodbyes are so impersonal or was I so bad today do I ask for so much much more than you're prepared to give

17. Timmo Autumn has arrived my summer tan still proud exhibiting my teeth expanding my head

A friend arrives from Finland bearing gifts vodka a glass and You white blonde hair strong Viking jaw You stare at me disdainfully then something I say traps You into smiling eyes wide your beauty now traps me I desire you

Drinks conversation more drinks You are in my bed How? What miracle of rhetoric did I perform

I am above You, above myself looking down my deep tanned body turns You translucent your skin ghost by mine your first time yet so exuberant uninhibited I worship at the Temple that is your body

In alcohol I perform in alcohol never spending but your young body is not denied your eruption so strong I feared I'd drown.

1. Hayden I'll stand the pain I'll lie face down biting your pillow gripping your sheet hoping you'll be fast but still satisfied 19) Mid Week Misery Did you stop to think each time you said "I love you"? Did you ever mean it? Was its effect on me ever considered? Or am I expendable? Just another set of orifices in your Great Life Fuck all to be used solely for your gratification then cast aside, obsolete when you become bored! "I love you," you said and I believed it and still want to.

2. Hayden I thought I saw you on a bus today I happened to be looking through my window. I hadn't been there long, just glancing not more than an hour or two since I woke in fact but it wasn't you.

3. Hayden I never thought it a pleasure to sit inside on a sunny day to read a book read before obeying No Smoking signs whispering, the Library lore. I never had you beside me to glance at when bored to inhale you in each deep breath to accidentally touch a foot or hand with rapturous regularity I'm glad you called that sunny Monday.

4. Hayden I can smell the sheets still feel the pain of your first vain attempts at entry into me but it is my need as much as yours so I will learn to relax and accept your offering.

5. Hayden Penetration is painful but, guided by my hand taken gently I can accept you and once accepted succumb to your quickening rhythm desire your strongest thrusts until spent you collapse onto my back our sweat a liquid cushion between receding heartbeats.

6. Hayden Over the rattle of the trains we heard the birds awake and turning saw more of each other in the strengthening light four a.m. half-past it did not matter as we lay entwined in the cushioned luxury of a friends apartment petting stroking fondling tasting licking loving 'til you came unaided by my hand.

7. Hayden It is easier now more enjoyable more desirable more exciting as I move up and down to accommodate your hand around my prick then my strength goes and forward I fall to have the friction of sheets and stomach and your forceful thrusts bring me to unexpected ejaculation.

8. Hayden What cruelty is this we meet hold each other kiss feeling through cloth the strength of our desire and then must part no consummation because of convention established views what right have they to judge and then condemn when we are in love.

9. Surprise Softly my lover comes surprising me at unguarded moments when my mind wanders from task in hand he is away for several months his memory hidden away in a compartment of my mind to be discovered in the comfort of my bed at my pleasure my longing my need but softly my lover comes surprising me.

10. Two-part Dance with Erroll Small and dark black curls wedge cut you dance invitingly onto the floor I almost stumble having met your eyes we speak then start to dance apart 'til I move in intimately I tongue your ear so dark so inviting we kiss soft tongue fills my mouth my tumescence presses your belly yours mine yet, bed available, you decline. I see you again I see a plumpness a fullness of face through vodka missed before but attraction still I nod my courage's thirst quenched I ask for a dance I am accepted at once my body arranges itself remembering around you and nothing is declined….. . . .

11. Pick-up. A smile, my smile, all that is required. I try tonight but no reflection. I must try again

Tall, dark, handsome criteria satisfied he winks, no nudge. Enough to let me speak? Dare I? In alcohol I dare and recognise response No room, no bed. I lose again.

1. Hayden, 1st. Meeting. You were hard not to notice Dark trusting eyes, soft snub nose sparse hairs along your lip attempting age. Yet you are twenty. I am older. Wiser? No. Wisdom is such a rare talent. Without it I am involved revelling in tour youthful lust. ignoring her when we are bedded worshipping your child's body. Grateful for the maturity of mind that lets you enjoy both sexes.

2. Hayden. You had your hair cut yesterday but feel it is too short yet it complements you adds to your beauty enhances your manhood or does my love grow stronger. The hours alone I spend thinking of you numb inside butterflies before we meet erections on buses remembering you on my back in my mouth holding me kissing me mouth moist lips wide stretched tongue licking you sucking mine eyes closed in pleasure then open with desire as our hardness meets in pelvic thrusts before all is abandoned and we tumble onto bed to strip be stripped in mutual lust and love.

3. My Scot. What do you do these wintry mornings when you wake cold alone in your bed-sit your lover back in Glasgow. I would warm you if you warmed my bed as I did in borrowed places so short a time ago. Do you remember or think only of him not of the hell I go through the unlettered hall mute testimony of broken promises of friendship and more. Could that be worse?

4. Hayden Strong bright sun warming the room making us rosy beneath the sheet eager love making over you lie contented holding my hands occasionally embracing murmuring endearments as we talk discovering ourselves as well as each other.

5. Hayden As we lay sweating together that damp summer afternoon heartbeats receding my throat still salty with your love we said many things I will remember them ever the wish you made to take me with you to Canada the soft "I love you" muffled by the rain the dismissal of my doubts and of the girl but most the soft "I love you."

6. Bob. Ebony haired brilliant eyed joyous limbed he smiled and I was lost within him Retaining nothing he gave me all yet I in my delirium gave nothing in return It was my world, my spring a golden summer to begin but I fed not his love crying for me still loving me he left. I stood and watched, the golden sun reddened to a furnace glow while love, the only love I've known flowered and died instantly in the final glow.

7. My Scot Downwards he moves lips sleeping on my brow eyes nose lips chin neck ever onward to the core the centre of my being chest nipples one by one onward through the hair stomach my navel a whirlpool for his tongue belly my pubic hair the staff of my life I rise on elbows to see light glistens in his hair then he swallows me.

8. BOB Hot dry days grass smell sweet long cool drinks salads to eat

Kids in the park running the dog paddling the pool give my memory a jog

I remember my childhood with affection you see I was yet to meet Bob to be left just the memory.

1. SEX How oft I've walked in sombre mind deliberating the life and trials of mankind then seen before me in the crowd a face 'fore which I should have bowed and felt a lightening in my heart then in my veins the blood rush start surely then this is how it must be with everyone not just you and me that no matter how liberal the brain shown a bit of sex, we are all the same.

2. CELIBACY Celibacy, a planned decision no not celibacy, self love to be exact if love means a sexual act My mind provides my lovers, or books my hand provides the means No not self-love, self-pity. A one night stand sexuality married to an affair mind No one could be so kind as I myself, to me I can be, am, desirable to all men Well those I bring to mind.

3. GUILT Is my guilt inbuilt a behaviour pattern? like animals, insects Mistreatment of the Black looms large in my mind is that the reason that pleasure, sexual pleasure comes best with bedded blacks? The sharper smell dry wine to sweet the attitude? master to slave more gratitude? But who's? Theirs or mine?

4. ERROL Soft brown lips in semi pout 'neath snub nose half hooded eyes black crinkled hair amassed to charge your glowing face.

Below the boy's body yet hardened by life shows no dissipation still thrusts eager firm and hard too often for my matching.

1. HAYDEN I will bear pain for you often if it brings us closer if I mean more if I become important not just a release First on the list not hidden at the back I need to meet your friends be introduced as me exist as me not some fictitious tart I will bear pain for you.

2. HAYDEN Is it love? To open my eyes to see your face above me gazing wistfully down. What do your eyes tell me do they speak of love of lust or do they hide amusement pity. Pity for my gullibility. A few involvements not hundreds as you thought leave me less self-assured than you. Yet I am your first you say. I am so honest too honest hurt too often to accept honesty in others.

3. HAYDEN You spoke of love for me once freely once when pressed. Your first male love you said we agreed on the difficulty the deceptions to be made your career your friends your girlfriends all kept in ignorance of me of our coupling. I accept any conditions for once a week excuses made we meet I feel your strength your hardness smooth brown muscle taste your tongue lips hard pressing eyes soft longing I am home.

4. HAYDEN Rampant my brown lover thrusts ever upwards into my throat. Suction grips him defeating his escape on his ejaculation.

5. RUSH HOUR No more empty seats no more standing room I am trapped in my seat I can only look forward eyes focussed unwittingly. What do I see? Black pin stripe flares tight at thigh and bum blonde curly hair shoulder length cascades and hides most face leaving an impression of downy cheeks then hands withdraw from tight pockets long fingered rough knuckled leaving no illusion as to gender I am entranced.

6. GAY BAR Narrow staircase, glass sided leads down to the fray tightly packed bodies young, jeaned old, suited sway to and from the bar glasses replenished they turn seeking out a look from another's eyes that burn hopefully with desire mirroring the longing in theirs so that at closing time in twos they mount the stairs.

7. EASTER DRY LAW VIEW Now at last after all the years filled with loneliness and its fears I have found a sweet release physical perfection, mental peace when in need of love I be Scotland's son is the one for me.

8. ON BOSCOMBE CHINE And in the dawn light growing there is nothing better than knowing that from today I am not one but two as one just begun. As our minds have grown together now our bodies seem to fit forever. There is no peace as sweet as this lying united in one eternal kiss.

9. ANGER >From pink to red in one short moment my face turns my composure spent anger burns within my eyes daggers drawn the insult thrown from lofty heights of superior vocabulary sarcasm strewn. An adversary destroyed but worthy of destruction?

10. IN TOWN AT DAWN It is bleak in the night and the buildings overpower but with dawns grey light a sombre street becomes a bower

No real flowers are there just a joy in my heart but bird song fills the air as we pledge not to part

These streets I knew before in such a different way when I hated the score now I'm glad to be gay.

1. WOLVERHAMPTON Kipper coloured buildings empty slate grey streets were all you ever offered me. Brooding office blocks empty, shuttered shops a taste of forges in the air. Then one spring morning at five unseen, a blackbird's welcome fills the air my love for Wolverhampton is born.

2. CHINE LOVER AUG. '75 Beside a sea grey gone in night and mist hand in hand we strolled and kissed slower still as further we went away from people ever intent to know what two men might do lovingly together as we were we two behind the beach huts up on the chine finally, I was yours, oh, were you mine?

3. WALKING HOME. MAY '76 Ever brighter the dawn comes to the concrete towers that are my city giving them light but not life Slowly I walk home a road, a turn, a road an island and on the alcoholic ease dispersing to depression alone once more. I cross the last island climb the last steps to turn the key in the door of home. Home a single bed a cigarette Ms. Simone and me.

4. ANY MAN. My desire is as any man's as are my needs greater or less than average I conduct no polls my lust has lessened with age as has my virility am I different to any man? But my need is for my own the clean sweep of firm muscles the matching of strengths the firmness of erection desire for me I can see feel touch measure mouth gauge assuage.

5. CHANCE ENCOUNTER Aug.'76 Eyes, always noticed first I read a challenge, or was it amusement you were interested the spark was always there when frequently I glanced your way.

And after we spoke the trap was sprung your accent' that rough Scots burr bait taken, hook fast I landed at your feet.

1. UNKNOWN WARRIOR Aug.'78 Short, thick dark hair in certain arrangement as with features regular deep eyes, set wide a warm, deep brown a becoming colour and on the beach proud self-knowledge of your bodies beauty your friends too plentiful I am too shy to speak and so, man to man I watch and dream.

2. TONY June '75 Two years ago I first saw you two years ago I fell in love you were less sure then you hadn't been to London you hadn't met the queens the has beens the purchasers of flesh fresh flesh suburban chicken. You're surer now maturer now more groomed even flip Why didn't I tell you two years ago?

3. AM I BLUE Sept. '75 How long must I continue from one day to the next from days to months from months to years without emotional progress. I feel nothing not even empty my anger, just a joke when, oh when will my love be put to the test. Once I loved for four short months was that enough to build a life to highlight my inadequacies so that I could build stronger. No, it was not even enough to regret and yet in some small corner of my heart comatose must lie a feeling, a thought that I can give to someone other than myself.

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