Reluctant Mentor

THE RELUCTANT MENTOR

PART ONE

Richard Chambers (known as "Rick") was lounging at poolside one afternoon at the Club House of his upscale condo complex. He hadn't done much of that since moving in two years ago because his wife, Janice, fell ill. He took an early retirement at age 55 to care for her, which consumed most of his time. He was not unhappy to escape corporate politics because he was a private man with a strong sense of independence and found the corporate culture of "network" (Who do you know?) was more important for recognition and promotion than one's technical savvy. Nevertheless, he had adapted, if grudgingly, and had risen to executive level.

Visiting the Club House with its pool, first-class exercise facilities, and other amenities had been influential in relocating there but he had had very little chance to take advantage of those benefits because of his wife's illness.

After his wife's death, Rick had abundant free time but grew bored. And lonely. Very lonely. His three children were married and lived more than a thousand miles away. He had no siblings. His parents and only sister were dead and he had had little to do with his uncles and cousins for years -- not since he left the family farm vowing never to be a farmer. Although he and Janice had had an active social life, "their" friends were mostly "her" friends although he enjoyed the socializing. He was not a religious man so he had no friends from church. Since retiring, he consciously avoided his former colleagues from work, having never formed a true friendship with any of them. And, because of the circumstances of his wife's illness, he hardly knew his neighbors' names, much less counted them as friends.

Given the freedom to do whatever he wanted, he seized the opportunity. But he found his freedom was less of a blessing than a curse. He went to the theater, concerts, and baseball games. Alone. He went camping in the mountains. Alone. He made the rounds of his favorite restaurants. And ate alone. He read books that he never had time for. But his loneliness persisted.

During many evenings that frequently spanned into the early morning hours, he surfed the Internet, indulging himself in something that he had long wanted to do but rarely could. He visited gay web sites. Although he had been married, had children and grandchildren, and lived a disciplined straight life, he had longed for the pleasure of a man's company for almost as long as he could remember, back as far as puberty in the rural Bible Belt. He could have created several opportunities for extra-marital encounters with both males and females during his many business trips but he felt he couldn't risk his career or family obligations with blatant indiscretion.

The turning point for Rick came one morning (almost noon, in fact, since he had been up late surfing and slept late). He sat in the kitchen eating breakfast, feeling sorry for himself. He was lonely, even more than when he was a loner in high school and working on the family farm after school and for long hours all summer.

"Dammit!" he said aloud to himself. "This can't go on!" He vowed then and there to break out of his shell, to force himself to meet other people, and hopefully to gain a few friends.

He spent some time trying to think of ways to meet people. Sex was not his objective. He was physically fit but at his age, he felt the chances of finding a partner were slim to none. Rather, it was the company of other people in order to break out of his lonely existence that occupied his thoughts. There were a number of volunteer organizations that would welcome his participation. He filed that thought away to investigate later. There was Harry Jenkins, whom he and his late wife met on a cruise a few years ago. He liked Harry and his wife, Ella. They had met a few times as couples for dinner after the cruise and Rick thoroughly enjoyed their company. He could re-connect with Harry. No. He dismissed the thought. They travelled extensively and were rarely around. What to do? His mind drew a blank.

He gazed out the window and saw the roof of the Club House. "Well," he thought. "That might be a start. I'm sure to meet people there." He had another thought. As long as he was going to the Club House, he might as well take his swim trunks along. A few laps in the pool followed by a cold drink at poolside might pep up his mood considerably.

The pool was not crowded at two in the afternoon so Rick was able to swim unimpeded for almost an hour. Then the pool started to fill up, mostly with high school kids. Rick got a tall ice tea from the refreshment bar and settled himself into a deck chair at poolside. His thoughts returned to why he was there -- to find friends -- and he began to have doubts about whether his plan would work. Then, his attention was drawn to the young people frolicking in the pool. He envied their energy and playfulness. He was jealous of and even resented their camaraderie, something that he craved in his life.

He was about to leave when he noticed a young man diving and swimming alone. He watched for a while longer. The boy never interacted with any of the others. At one point, he sat on the edge of the pool watching the two or three groups of boys as they splashed, laughed, and teased each other playfully. Then, in a frightening moment, his mind flashed back to a time when he was that solitary boy on the edge of the pool. It was on a very rare occasion when, as a senior in high school, he attended a party at the home of one of the "townies" in his class. Everyone at the party had a marvelous time except him. He was, as he was throughout high school, the odd man out, a "curve breaker" with consistently high grades, a loner, and not one to actively seek friends. Rick's attention returned to the present and he wondered, "Could that young man sitting on the edge of the pool be as lonely as I felt almost 40 years ago? Could he be condemned to isolation as an adult as I now am?"

The youngster swam a bit more as Rick watched for any signs of mingling with the others in his age group. There were none. In fact, although Rick couldn't hear what was said, it appeared that one of the other teens spoke harshly to the outsider who promptly got out of the pool and started walking toward the exit, looking decidedly unhappy.

"Excuse me, young man," Rick said as the boy walked past.

The teen was surprised and looked curiously at Rick.

"I wonder if you could do me a favor. I seem to have a cramp in my leg. Would you mind getting me a tall ice tea from the refreshment stand? Get a drink for yourself if you like. Tell them to put it on Mr. Chambers' bill."

The boy paused but then said, "Okay."

When he returned, with only one drink, Rick asked, "Didn't you want one for yourself?"

"No, sir. But thanks anyway."

"And I thank you," Rick said. "My name is Rick Chambers ... but you already know the Chambers part. I live over in building nine." The young man just stood there without introducing himself so Rick continued, "And your name is?"

"Todd," he replied curtly.

"Nice to meet you, Todd. And thanks again for fetching my drink. Care to sit a while and keep me company?"

Todd gave a quick glance back at the pool, looked down at his feet, and said, "Better not." He then walked quickly toward the exit, leaving Rick to wonder why he had turned suddenly apprehensive. As he thought about it, however, he put two and two together and formed a tentative conclusion. It was unusual and perhaps suspicious for a grown man to invite a young man's company ... even in a very public place. His half-formed theory was reinforced when he recalled that Todd seemed to be an outcast and left the pool when another boy spoke, possibly cruelly, to him. "Damn," he cursed himself. "How could I have been so stupid?"

For the next week, Rick went regularly to the pool in the afternoon. On two of those days, he saw Todd and greeted him by name. Todd acknowledged the greeting but neither made any further conversation. Rick now had two objectives. The first remained: to meet people and try to make friends. It took second place, however, to a new one. He would try -- if it was at all possible -- to help Todd escape what was an increasingly apparent isolation and loneliness.

On Saturday, Todd was with two adults, no doubt his parents. All three had a wonderful time in the pool. It was the first time Rick had seen Todd laugh. In a lucky break, Todd's parents got out of the pool and settled in deck chairs nearby. Feeling somewhat more at ease introducing himself to strangers lately, he said, "Hi. I'm Rick Chambers. I'm fairly new to the Club House but I've lived here for a couple of years."

His greeting lacked originality but was met with a cordial response. "I'm Tom Peterson and this is my wife, Ann."

"You must be Janice Chambers' husband," the woman said.

"True," Rick replied.

"I was sorry to learn of her passing," Ann said.

"It was not completely unexpected," Rick replied. "She had been quite ill for some time."

They chatted for several minutes -- the usual get-acquainted banter -- before Rick felt comfortable broaching the subject that had been bothering him. "You have a fine son. He was kind enough to fetch a drink for me on my first visit to the pool."

"Thank you," Ann said as she and Tom glanced at each other.

"Forgive me if I'm out of line but I've seen him here a few times and the other boys seem to ignore him. I'm guessing that -- since you just moved here -- he's the `new kid on the block' and hasn't broken into the others' cliques. Teenagers can be so ... so ... well ... inconsiderate of a newcomer."

The Petersons glanced at each other again, this time visibly anxious.

"I apologize," Rick said. "I really was out of line."

"No apology needed," Tom said. "The story is really more complicated. Since everybody else seems to know, there's no reason why I shouldn't tell you. We moved here largely because of Todd. He's gay. Students in the school he used to attend found out when he and a boy he was ... ah ... being familiar with ... had an argument. The other boy spread the word throughout the school that Todd was queer. From that point on, he was treated worse than a leper."

"How sad!" Rick said.

"Yes," Tom continued. "Todd came home from school one day in tears. Ann and I finally got him to explain why. That's when we found out he was gay."

"Were you upset?" Rick asked.

"No. Disappointed, maybe. And certainly concerned over his unhappiness. But he's our only child and we tried to tell him we loved him. At the end of the school year, we moved here, hoping that being in another school district would rescue him from the malicious bigotry. We talked to him at length about the need to be careful about what he said and did. At least until he was out of school. And he has been. But his reputation followed him. We don't know how but we suspect someone from his old school had a friend or relative attending the current school. In any case, the other boys avoid him. And tease him. And taunt him. I must say, I admire him for putting up with it."

"I also admire him for that," Rick replied sincerely. "And I admire you for accepting and supporting him."

"Fortunately," Ann added, "we can still talk to him. Unlike some teens, he hasn't shut us out and we can be honest with each other. In fact, he told us about your asking him to get a drink and then inviting him to sit down. I think he used good judgment in declining. Not that you had any other motive than to be friendly. Don't get me wrong. It's just the appearance that would be harmful. The other boys would falsely assume the worst."

"Frankly," Rick said, "I'm awed by what you've told me. I think you have every reason to be proud of your son. And I hope he recognizes what fine parents he has."

"Thanks," Ann replied.

Rick said, "It's odd but from watching him in the pool and from what you've told me, he's very much like I was at that age. It's as if I can feel his pain."

Tom's expression soured for an instant and he said, "How's that?"

Rick suddenly realized that he may have given clue to his gay yearnings and he scrambled to think of something to say that would minimize the potential damage. "Well, I was a loner in high school. I had no close friends. It was not a happy time for me."

"Oh," Tom said. "For a minute I thought... But that was silly. You were not entirely like Todd. You were a married man."

Rick's relief over having avoided exposing his secret self lasted only a moment. His concern for Todd's happiness -- now and in the future -- gained prominence in his mind and gave him courage to say. "I was more like him than just being a lonely outsider. I felt the same urges in high school that Todd feels. The big difference between my situation then and Todd's situation now is that my parents would not have been so understanding."

"Now I'm confused," Tom said.

Rick replied, "Granted, I haven't been very clear in what I've told you. I'm telling you something that I haven't told anyone else so it's difficult for me. But let me try. When I was Todd's age, I was attracted to other boys. Girls didn't interest me in the slightest. My Dad hired a farm hand for the summer, a very handsome college student. We were out in the barn one afternoon and he seduced me. No, seduce is not the right word. It would be more accurate to say that he gave me the opportunity to experience what I wanted all along. That turned out to be the happiest summer of my teenage years. Then, when I went away to college, I met Janice. We fell in love, married, and I've enjoyed every moment I was able to spend with her and my children. So there you have it. I had a gay relationship that lasted all summer but since then have lived a completely straight life. I hope you're not shocked but I just wanted you to know why I understand what Todd is going through."

Tom and Ann sat quietly, trying to absorb the surprising disclosure from someone whom they had just met. Time passed very slowly for Rick who feared that his comments may have demolished what he had hoped would be the beginning of a friendship with people whom he just met but liked and admired.

Ann broke the tension of the moment when she grasped Tom's hand, looked at him, and said, "Do you suppose...?"

Tom smiled at his wife and replied, "Perhaps. But Todd sounded so sincere and convincing when he told us. I don't think it's a passing stage."

"No," Ann said. "What I meant was, do you think Todd might feel better talking to someone who's been through what he's going through?" Suddenly turning to Rick, she added, "I'm sorry. I'm proposing something without asking if you would be willing to help Todd."

"Well," Rick hesitated. "I don't know whether I can help. I'm certainly not a psychologist. I do want to help Todd; that's for sure. But all I can offer is a sympathetic ear. And maybe help him think through his own decisions."

"We can't ask for more than that," Tom said. "If you're willing, it certainly can do no harm and may help him. We would appreciate you're doing us the favor."

"Please, Rick," Ann said pleadingly.

"I'd be honored," Rick smiled.

Exuberantly, Ann said, "Will you join us for dinner tonight? I have a casserole in the oven now. We'd be delighted to have you join us."

"That's very kind," Rick grinned. "I haven't had a good home-cooked meal in some time. Nor have I had the company of pleasant people. What can I bring?"

"Yourself!" Tom exclaimed. "About six? We're in building two, second floor."

"I must say, I'm delighted," Rick said. "But I have a suggestion. Let's not concern ourselves with Todd's problems tonight. Let's just make it a `get acquainted' evening. I think Todd will have to get to know me before he's receptive to any deep discussions. And, for that matter, I need to get to know Todd. With luck, over time, we can build a rapport and trust that will allow me to talk to him about matters that he may not want to talk about."

"Splendid idea," Tom gushed.

The Petersons returned to their condo full of hope that they had, at least potentially, found a way to help their son. Todd accompanied them, glad to leave the taunting teens in the pool behind, curious about his parents' inviting Mr. Chambers to dinner, but still unaware of the plan his parents had hatched.

Rick returned to his condo amazed and worried about what he had gotten himself into. Still, he thought, if there was a chance of helping Todd and a chance to gain two new friends, it would be a double win for him. Little did he know at the time the twists and turns in his life that lay ahead.

Rick spent the time before leaving for dinner at the Petersons worrying. Although he hoped that he could help a troubled young man, he might not be of any help if Todd was not willing to trust him and talk about a very private problem. What could he do without any expertise in counseling? A second concern was also troublesome. Interacting with a known gay may stir feelings that could be dangerous if the interaction went beyond conversation. That would be the worst possible outcome for both of them.

He nervously rang the Peterson's door bell just before six and was warmly welcomed by Tom who ushered him into the living room where Todd was reading. "Good evening, Todd," Rick said.

"Good evening, sir," the boy replied.

"Oh my!" Rick said. "I haven't been called that for longer than I care to remember. Please call me `Rick'

Todd looked at his father briefly and said, "If you like. But Dad said I should always show respect by addressing adults by sir or ma'am."

"Sound advice!" Rick grinned. "But, if you don't mind, I'd prefer that you call me Rick."

Todd checked with his Dad who nodded his approval. "Okay," Todd said with a noticeable lack of conviction over violating his father's advice.

"That was awkward," Rick thought to himself. "Am I pushing too far to fast to win Todd's confidence?"

Ann came into the room carrying a tray of appetizers and the foursome settled in for half an hour's lively conversation. Todd did not participate actively until the subject of baseball came up, which was fortunate because it became pivotal in forging the friendship between Todd and Rick. The tipping point was Rick's mentioning that he attended a game in 1964 when Mickey Mantle hit a ball that cleared the 22-foot high screen beyond the 461-foot marker at Yankee Stadium. Todd, like Rick, was an avid baseball fan and throughout dinner and the rest of the evening, they monopolized the conversation. Tom and Ann didn't mind because they recognized that it fit well into the plan of winning Todd's confidence in Rick as more than a neighbor and casual friend of his parents.

When Rick offered to take them all to a ball game, Tom said, "That's very kind of you but Ann and I don't share Todd's interest in baseball. I've taken Todd to a few games but I can't analyze the finer points of the game like he can. I have no doubt that you two would have a great time."

It was settled. Rick would get tickets and let the Peterson's know the date. Todd was genuinely excited about going to a game. Tom and Ann welcomed the turn of events that--they hoped--would lead to helping their son cope with his isolation. Rick looked forward to building a friendship with the Petersons and doing whatever he could to help a lonely, tortured young man.

Two days later, Rick called Tom. "I have two tickets for Thursday night's game. It's a school night. Is that all right?"

"Normally, I'd have reservations, Rick. But considering the circumstances, I have to approve. And thank you again for your help."

"Great," Rick replied. "I have another question. Would it be all right if Todd and I had dinner that night before the game? He can choose between Burger King and a steak house. And, of course, the obligatory hot dogs at the game."

"Good idea," Tom enthused. "I'll tell Todd. What time do you want him to be ready?"

"Let's say six. That will give us time for a meal and get to the stadium in plenty of time for the game."

When Rick hung up the phone, he was almost euphoric. Not only could he go to a game--not alone but with someone but that someone was an admirable young man who he might be able to help. But could he, after all, be of any help? Maybe. Maybe not. But he had to try.

Rick rang the Peterson's bell promptly at six on Thursday to be greeted by Todd who was wearing a baseball cap and jersey and nearly beside himself with excitement. Rick was only slightly less pleased at the thought of the evening's outing.

Typically for a teenager, Todd chose the Burger King option for dinner. The rapid-fire conversation over their meal focused primarily on baseball. They each challenged the other with trivia questions with Todd taking great delight in confounding his host with more than a few questions. Their frequent outbursts of laughter amused the other diners but, significantly, were the perfect catalyst for a deepening camaraderie.

It would be impossible to say which of the two enjoyed the game more, in spite of friendly disagreements about the strategies for pitching, fielding, and batting.

After the game, Rick drove home, parked his car, and walked Todd to his parent's condo. Tom and Ann invited him in. They indulged their son for twenty minutes of animated recap of the game before Ann said, "I'm delighted you enjoyed yourself, Todd. But you have school tomorrow and I think you ought to go to bed ... not that I expect you'll be able to go to sleep right away but try."

Todd hugged both his parents, thanked Rick profusely, and went down the hall toward his bedroom.

Tom then said to Rick, "It seems you've made quite an impression on Todd. I don't think he's been so excited for a long time. You may get tired of me saying this but thanks again."

"I think we've made some real progress, Tom. But I still don't know when or whether Todd will be comfortable talking to me about very personal matters. I still want to help. More than ever, in fact. But we'll just have to see how things develop."

"We understand that," Ann said. "But I'm an incurable optimist. And I trust you to do whatever you think is right ... whenever that may be."

"I'm flattered," Rick replied. "But I wish I could share your optimism. Opening up to an adult who is not a family member will be a huge hurdle. I've given it a lot of thought but I don't have a magic formula yet. There is one question I'd like to ask that may help me. Does Todd know that I know he's gay?"

Tom and Ann looked at each other. Tom said, "No. It's never come up."

"I see," Rick said thoughtfully. "Let's keep it that way. I think I may have an idea for bringing the subject up. It's not a fully formed idea but I'd like to keep the option open."

"Of course," Tom agreed. "As we said, we trust your judgment."

Rick then returned home. He didn't surf the web that night as he usually did. He had too much to think about. He had connected surprisingly quickly with Todd; they had begun to form a bond that could lead to some serious discussions. But Rick was still apprehensive about how to help the young man. Talking about isolation and loneliness was one thing but delving into the reason for his being ostracized by class mates would be difficult.

Eventually, he fell asleep thinking about Todd and what a mature, courageous teenager he was. He soon woke with a start, however, interrupting a disturbing dream in which he and Todd were in bed together, both naked and embracing. They were grinding their firm erections against each other. He was simultaneously repulsed and aroused at the thought. He lay there with the memory of the dream disrupting his mind. "NO!" he exclaimed aloud to himself. "It cannot ... must never ... happen!" He rose out of bed to go to the kitchen. As he did so, he noticed his cock was harder than it had been in years.

Sitting at the kitchen table sipping on a glass of warm milk, he tried to analyze what the dream meant and what it might mean to his attempt to counsel Todd. He knew that Todd was gay. He knew all too well that he had unfulfilled yearnings himself. He also had to admit that he admired Todd's personality, character, maturity, and-- yes--his physique. But he also reminded himself that he had not once thought of him as a sexual partner. Why then, did he become one in his dream? After considerable thought, he began to unravel the mystery. First, he had wanted but had denied himself male companionship for decades. Second, he was no longer bound by the obligations of a marriage. Third, he was lonely, very lonely, and at least subconsciously craved companionship. Finally, Todd was not only an extremely personable young man but a particularly stunning specimen of masculinity even at his young age. The conclusion was as distressing as it was inescapable. He was emotionally and sexually attracted to Todd.

He sat there for nearly an hour, haunted by feelings that had been uncloaked by the dream and by the unacceptability of any actions that might be triggered by those feelings. When he finally returned to bed, he was almost afraid to go to sleep lest he be cursed with a similar dream.

He saw Todd at the pool the following day. Todd greeted him enthusiastically. Rick was more restrained, still bothered by his unwelcome dream and, to tell the truth, his conflicting feelings. His altruistic hope of helping Todd had, regrettably and frightfully, begun to morph into an inappropriate attraction to a gay nearly 40 years younger then he was. The two motives were incompatible.

Todd tried to engage Rick in a conversation but got a minimal response. Frustrated, Todd asked, "Are you all right, Rick? What happened to that talkative guy who took me to the ball game?"

"I apologize," Rick replied. "I'm fine. I guess my mind was somewhere else." Indeed it was. But the troubled man could never reveal what--or, more accurately who--was distracting him. By force of will, he suppressed his concern and chatted until it was time for Todd to return home for supper.

By that evening, Rick had reluctantly come to a conclusion. What he must do was the least odious of several options. It would be painful for him but was, he thought, the only right thing to do. He phoned the Petersons. Tom answered.

"Hi. This is Rick Chambers. I'd like to talk to you and Ann. In private. Is there a convenient time we could get together? Perhaps here at my place?"

"Is something wrong?" Tom asked, concerned over Rick's serious tone and ominous request.

"Not yet," Rick said. "Everything is fine. Now. But there may be a problem in the future. I want to avoid it."

"We can come over right now if you think it's urgent. Todd's doing homework in his room. Ann and I can make an excuse to leave for a little while."

Rick thanked Tom, hung up the phone, and tried to steel himself for the conversation that he dreaded.

After letting Tom and Ann Peterson in, Rick was so nervous that he neglected to offer them any drinks or refreshments and, instead, launched right into what he knew he had to say. "This will be difficult for me. I really don't know how to explain things but I need to try. Please be patient with me. I told you when we first met that, as a teenager, I had the same feelings as Todd. I was attracted to other boys and to men. That was the truth. But not the whole truth. The fact is, I'm still gay. I've never told anyone that and I'm telling you only because ... well ... because it's important that you know. Yes, I know, I married and lived a straight life. I've had a good life as respectable husband and father but I can't deny my fundamental nature."

"Okay," Tom interrupted. "You know that we don't condemn homosexuality."

"For that, I'm grateful," Rick said. "It means a lot to Todd that you accept him as he is. But that leads me to the reason I asked to see you. You may not want your son associating with a 57-year-old, single, gay man. I want very much to help him cope with harassment, his isolation from school mates, and with his sexual orientation. Please don't doubt that. But if you now want to decline my offer of help, I'll certainly understand."

Tom and Ann looked at each other for a moment before Ann said, "Rick, it seems to me that the fact that you're gay makes you even more qualified to help Todd. Empathy with his feelings can only make any advice you give more valuable."

"Maybe. Maybe not." Rick sighed. "Let me be more specific. There's a danger. It's painful for me to say this but decades of frustration ... and now alone since my wife died ... have left me vulnerable to temptation. Moreover, I don't think I have to remind you that a teenager's raging hormones can overcome his better judgment. The danger, therefore, is that either or both of us will want to do more than talk. I would hate myself if that happened. More importantly, it can't be good for Todd. I've wanted to help him. I still do. But God forbid if I were to hurt him in any way."

Tom and Ann exchanged glances again before Tom said, "Rick, we told you before that we appreciate your help and that we trust your judgment. Candidly telling us your concern only confirms our confidence that you will do what's best for Todd."

"I appreciate your trust," Rick replied. "But I don't trust myself. It's unlikely that the occasion would arise but if it did I'm not sure I could resist the temptation. I'm very lonely. I have physical and emotional needs that could weaken my will power and lead me to do something very foolish. To be brutally honest, Todd is a very handsome young man. Perhaps you can't understand but I'm afraid of doing something with him that would scar him for life. I couldn't bear that."

Tom and Ann sat quietly for a few moments, as if suddenly grasping Rick's meaning, weighing the probabilities of a sexual encounter, and speculating on the consequences for their only son. Tom broke the uncomfortable silence. "I understand your concern, Rick. I suggest we take some time to consider our options."

Rick thanked his visitors for their understanding as they left, reassured them that Todd's well being was his prime concern, and repeated his willingness to abide by whatever decision they made.

Tom and Ann found Todd asleep when they arrived home so they took the opportunity to discuss what to do. After careful and sometimes agonizing thought, they agreed on a plan but it was too late in the evening to phone Rick with their idea.

The next day, a Saturday, Tom phoned Rick just before noon to say, "Todd will be spending the afternoon in the library. Can you come over for lunch? When Todd leaves, Ann and I have a suggestion that we hope will meet with your approval."

Rick agreed but still harbored doubts that he and Todd would be seeing each other for the conversations that he had hoped would lead to sharing of personal matters.

Todd was exuberant during lunch. Tom and Ann were gracious but yielded to their son's eagerness to talk to Rick who forced himself to keep up his share of the conversation. He tried valiantly to hide his curiosity about the parents' promised suggestions. Only with great effort was he able to conceal his fear of a potentially dangerous turn of events when alone with Todd.

Ann cleared the table while Todd gathered his things for the visit to the library. Tom and Rick made small talk in the living room. When Todd left, Ann joined her husband and guest for what she hoped would be a resolution to the problem.

Tom began the discussion. "My first reaction to what you told us, Rick, was, quite frankly, surprise. And concern -- concern for both Todd and for you. Ann and I discussed the situation at length and we've come up with a suggestion. It was actually Ann's idea. Why don't you explain it, dear?"

"I did think of it but Tom and I agree," Ann said. "First of all, we believe your primary interest is helping Todd and that will guide what you say and do. We still trust your judgment. More importantly, we trust Todd's judgment. I don't think it's just parental pride but he's wise beyond his years. I doubt he would do anything ... or, to be blunt ... will not let you do anything foolish. Just the age difference would discourage any improper behavior. That seems to eliminate or at least minimize the risk for Todd. Does that sum up our discussion, Tom?"

"The first part, yes," Tom replied. "But there remains another problem that Ann and I cannot ignore. You've said that you don't trust yourself. We do. But we're more than hesitant to ask you to work with Todd because we assume it would be uncomfortable for you to be with him. How do I put this? If you are, indeed, attracted to him, the frustration of not ... well ... showing your affection could be upsetting. We're not willing to ask you to make that sacrifice."

Ann quickly added, "That brings us to our suggestion. You may consider it off the wall but here it is. When the time is right -- and the sooner the better -- tell Todd that you're gay like him. He'll be as surprised as we were but it may open the door for serious discussion. Immediately tell him, however, that there can be nothing between you but conversation. I'm absolutely sure he would agree to that. We suggest you assure him that you will not report back to us about anything he says. I think that will alleviate any reservations he has about opening up to you. He's been very open with us, and we with him, but there are some things a teenager doesn't want to say to his parents. You might encourage him to talk to us as well but talking to you and hearing your advice, I'm convinced, will help."

Tom interrupted. "So there's the problem, Rick. We can't ask you to do it if it would cause you pain. The decision is yours. We'll understand and respect whatever decision you make.

Rick thought about Tom and Ann's suggestion for several moments and then said, "I'm impressed by your obvious trust in your son's good sense and judgment. Based on my limited acquaintance with him, I have to agree that he's a very mature and sensible young man. I'm flattered by your trust in me after what I've told you although I'm afraid you're being too optimistic. In spite of that, I accept the responsibility. It may not be easy for me at times but after more than 30 years of honoring my marriage vows, I'm accustomed to suppressing my feelings. And controlling my behavior. I just hope I can continue to do so. Todd deserves a happy future and if I can contribute to that, I'll be pleased. You have my word that -- in the unlikely event that things start to get awkward -- I won't allow myself or Todd to cross the line."

Tom smiled and said, "That's something Ann and I also discussed, as you might well have guessed. If Todd initiates something AND if you feel it would be helpful and not hurtful to him, then we would not object. Provided, of course, that you make it clear that he should seek out someone his own age for a committed relationship.

Rick was stunned. "I can't believe you said that! Do you mean..."

"The chances are slim to none," Tom replied. "But IF that's what Todd wants ... AND IF you feel it would help him, then allow him the experience. Obviously, however, it cannot be a continuing relationship. Please make that clear to him."

Rick was astonished that Todd's parents would, in effect, grant a license for casual sex with their son. It took a while for him to reply. "I don't know whether to be pleased or frightened by what you've said. It would be the realization of a dream for me. But it also increases the challenge by making it somewhat more acceptable to..." He couldn't finish his sentence. How could he explicitly mention having sex, even though the discussion thus far was unambiguous.

"We recognize the position we're putting you in," Ann said. "But we're also convinced that you, like us, have Todd's interests in mind. And we're confident that you will be guided by that. Why? Because of everything you've said since we've known you. Your concern for Todd is obvious. Your willingness to explain the risk was honest and courageous. Your sense of honor is commendable. We're asking a lot of you. Are you still willing? You're free to say `no' ... now or at any time. We'll understand. With no hard feelings."

"I'll try," Rick said. "But let me emphasize. Anything that Todd and I say to each other about being gay ... or anything that we may or may not do ... I will treat as confidential. If Todd wants to tell you, that will be his choice but I will not report to you and I will explain that to Todd."

"Of course," Tom and Ann replied in unison.

Rick returned home filled with awe over his discussion with Todd's parents and feeling an increased burden of responsibility for helping Todd without inadvertently saying or doing something that might hurt him.

Three weeks passed. At least once a week, he ate supper at the Petersons or hosted them for an evening meal. Rick and Todd spent most of each Saturday together, visiting museums, attending ball games, playing billiards at the Club House, and thoroughly enjoying themselves in a variety of activities. Their rapport was rapidly reaching the point where Rick felt he had won the young man's trust, which would allow the serious conversation that Rick had been planning. The opportunity presented itself when Tom telephoned Rick on Thursday night.

"First of all," Tom began, "I want you to know that there's been a significant improvement in Todd's attitude. It's been a long time since I've seen him so happy and at ease. He's constantly telling us what a good time you two have together and even asks when you can come visit. Ann and I are grateful."

"I assure you," Rick replied, "the pleasure is mine. I don't recall having as much fun since my own children were small."

"I also wanted to tell you that we're leaving tomorrow night to stay the weekend with Ann's parents. Her father is ill; we don't know what the problem is. The lab tests are not back yet but Ann wants to spend the weekend with them."

"I see," Rick said, saddened that he would face a lonely weekend without Todd's energy to liven up his life. "I hope Ann's father will be fine and that you enjoy your visit."

"Well," Tom said. "That brings me to the next reason for the call. Todd is very disappointed. He's been looking forward to his Saturday with you. He even asked if he could stay here. Neither Ann nor I are comfortable with that. He's eighteen and very responsible but leaving him alone for two days is more than we're ready to do."

Without hesitation, Rick said, "He could stay with me. That would solve the problem, wouldn't it?"

"I was afraid to ask," Tom said. "You've done so much for him but babysitting him for two days is a lot to ask."

"Nonsense! I would enjoy it. You and Ann won't have to worry. Todd will be happy. I suppose his grandparents will be disappointed that they don't get to see him but, given the circumstances, they probably wouldn't be in the mood to entertain a rambunctious teenager."

"You're sure you don't mind?"

"On the contrary. I'm delighted. Moreover, I think the time is right to have a talk with Todd. I think he might be willing to open up to me now."

"You're too kind, Rick. I'm more than grateful for everything you've done."

Todd was elated when his parents told him he could spend the entire weekend with Rick. Rick, however, had mixed feelings. Yes, he would enjoy Todd's company. But his apprehension grew. Chances were that they would have a discussion about gay sex. That, in turn, could lead either to an awkward situation in which Todd requested a sexual encounter or to two nights of agonizing frustration as Todd slept in the guest room. Could he think rationally about what was best for Todd? Could he find the words to bring up the subject of sex? Could he then offer any meaningful advice to help Todd cope with his homosexuality, the verbal abuse from his peers, and the isolation he endured?

Rick and Todd had supper Friday night at a steak house, went to a movie, and stopped on the way home at an ice cream shop for desert. Todd had a great time. Rick only pretended to. The intended conversation about gay sex weighed heavily on his mind.

When they returned home Rick said, "I hate to sound like a parent but it's late. We'll have to be up early in the morning to drive to the fishing lodge."

"Would it be all right if I showered first?" Todd asked.

"Of course. There are fresh towels in the bathroom. I'll grab a shower when you're finished."

Todd walked down the hallway to the bathroom, leaving Rick sitting on the sofa ... and visualizing his young friend standing naked under the hot shower. Would he jerk off? Very likely, Rick thought as his own cock began to swell. "Damnit," he muttered. He reminded himself of the absolute need to avoid sexual contact. Still, he couldn't stop thinking of what it would be like to be in the shower with him.

He fought with his conscience for a long time but the mental image of Todd standing naked in the shower and stroking his firm cock dominated his mind. Long-suppressed desires awoke within him and could not be quenched. Rick's cock responded as expected to the lascivious thoughts that were cascading throughout his brain and overpowered any hope of rational thinking. In the midst of his mental turmoil, he was startled when he heard Todd call his name. He jumped and turned to see Todd standing just a few feet away from him. A towel was wrapped around his waist. Rick's obsessive train of lustful thoughts persisted and he immediately concluded that there was only a bare crotch under the towel.

Todd said, "I just wanted to thank you again for letting me stay here. Dinner, movie, fishing tomorrow ... it's really great.'

After a momentary but agonizing battle with himself, Rick was able to seize control of his senses enough to stammer, "No problem, Todd. I'm happy to have you here."

Todd noticed the man's nervousness. His expression suggested fright, and anxiety was evident in his voice. "Are you okay?" he asked. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I'm fine," Rick lied. "Really. I guess I'm just used to being alone and forgot for a moment that you were here."

Todd was not convinced and he studied his host. It was then he noticed the tell-tale bulge in the man's crotch. It surprised him. He had never thought of Rick or any other older man getting horny but immediately thought, "Why not?" Attributing Rick's nervousness to his arousal and not wanting to embarrass him, Todd said, "Okay. I'm off to bed. The shower is yours." He walked down the hall to the guest room oblivious to the cause of Rick's arousal.

A few minutes later, Rick took his shower while chastising himself for letting his desires trump his resolve not to allow his feelings to interfere with his goal of counseling Todd. He allowed himself a thoroughly satisfying jerk-off while trying -- unsuccessfully -- not to think of Todd. Finally in bed, he lay awake, deeply troubled by the thought that the desirable young man was in an adjoining room. After what seemed like ages he fell asleep but not for long. He woke trembling because the disturbing dream reoccurred -- with one significant difference. Again they were cuddling naked in bed. They were fondling each other but both of their cocks were soft without any hardening response. It was as if they were both enjoying a post-orgasmic bliss. Rick was disturbed and feeling somewhat guilty. The rest of the night gave him only fitful sleep.

The alarm clock (which he had not used for a long time) blared at six. Slight disoriented, he slammed the off button and then remembered that he and Todd were going to the fishing lodge that day. He dressed and knocked on the guest room door with no response from inside. He knocked harder and called, "Todd! Time to get up." There was still no response. He opened the door only to find the bed unoccupied but made up as though it had not been slept in at all. Total confusion overtook his mind. Where was Todd? Where did he sleep? Only when he heard the toilet flush and, moments later, the bathroom door open did he solve the mystery.

"Good morning, Rick," Todd said cheerfully. "I'll bet you thought I'd sleep in. No way! Can't be late leaving for the fishing trip, can we?"

"Good morning, Todd. I'll have breakfast ready in a few minutes. Scrambled eggs and bacon okay?"

Todd had never been fishing before so most of the 45-minute drive to the lodge was taken up by a tutorial on rods, reels, techniques, and what to expect. Todd was interested in everything the experienced fisherman had to say. Rick was grateful for the conversation because it diverted his attention from any lustful thoughts.

At the lodge, they carried the fishing tackle about half a mile upstream and found a good spot just below some rapids. Rick coached Todd on handling the rod to cast a fly out into the water. He was a quick learner. Both enjoyed the fishing although the fish were not biting. Rick's only moment of forbidden thoughts came when Todd walked back into the woods to pee. The mental image of the teen holding his manhood and releasing a solid stream was enough to cause a stir in his loins.

They ate lunch of sandwiches and bananas while they chatted and enjoyed the beauty of the outdoors. Just after noon, the skies darkened. By one, it was raining. Rick and Todd retreated to the shelter of the lodge where many other disappointed weekend-anglers were voicing their frustrations over having their outing spoiled. An hour later, it was a downpour. When the five o'clock news came on in the television in the lobby, the lead story was a landslide that had blocked the Hanson Canyon road. An estimated 70 residents in the canyon above the landslide were thought to be safe but unable to get out until crews could begin clearing the road. The reporter said officials had told him it would be late Sunday before the road would open to traffic.

"Shit!" Rick mumbled and then said to Todd, "Sorry for the language. It looks like we're stuck here until tomorrow. Maybe you'd better call your parents. If they see the report on TV, they'll be worried about you."

Todd walked across the lobby to a bank of pay phones where he had to wait in line for an available phone. Rick, meanwhile, noticed a line at the registration desk and joined it, hoping to get two rooms for the night. When he finally got to the head of the line, he asked for two rooms, preferably adjoining. "I'm sorry, sir," the harried desk clerk said. "I have only one room left. Would you like it?"

Rick didn't like the idea of spending the night in one room with a tempting young man but liked the idea of camping out in the lobby even less. "I'll take it," he said as he pulled out his credit card. "My grandson and I will just have to share a room."

He then walked over to Todd, who was next in line for a phone. "Tell you parents we'll be staying here for the night. We're not stranded; I've booked a room for us and the dining hall will be open for meals."

Todd grinned before stepping up to the phone. He dialed a number, got an irritated look on his face, fumbled in his pocket for a few coins, and finally said, "Make that a collect call, please," and said in response to the operator's request, "Todd Peterson."

The call was short and ended when Todd handed the receiver to Rick and said, "Dad wants to talk to you."

Rick took the phone. "Don't worry, Tom. We're safe and sound. A little wet from the rain, maybe but we're fine."

"So, I understand you have a bed to sleep in," Tom said.

Rick immediately recognized the implications of Tom's reference to a bed and replied, "Yes. But I want to assure you, Todd is ... and will be ... safe. I have no greater priority than to watch out for him."

"I understand," Tom said, adding for emphasis, "Fully. I appreciate your concern. And your efforts if you get my meaning."

"I do, indeed," Rick replied. "Now, if you don't mind, I'll hang up because there's a line of people waiting to use the phone."

With their fishing tackle stowed in the trunk of Rick's Lexus and having no luggage since they hadn't planned on spending the night, Rick and Todd went to their room. Upon walking in, Rick quietly muttered, "Damn!" There was only one double bed.

Todd heard it and said, "Hey! It's not a luxury suite but it's dry, it's warm, and it's clean."

"You're right," Rick said, unwilling to reveal the reason for his disappointment. "We're not exactly dressed for dinner but there's bound to be a lot of folks like us. Let's go get supper."

When they returned to their room after a big meal, Todd sprawled on the bed while Rick sat in the only but not very comfortable desk chair. "I'm sorry," Rick said. "I should have checked the weather forecast."

"Not to worry, Rick. It's been fun anyway. Kind of an adventure. Besides, I always like being with you. You've been very kind to take me places my Dad doesn't have the time to."

"Well, I enjoy your company, too. I look forward to our excursions when I'm rattling around my condo alone." The comment was honest but Rick regretted saying it. He was afraid Todd would feel sorry for him and he hated to be pitied.

He needn't have worried because Todd said, "If you don't mind, I'm going to shower and hit the sack. I'm not used to getting up at five in the morning."

"Go right ahead," Rick said. "I'm right behind you."

While Todd showered, Rick obsessed over thoughts of a naked Todd in the shower. Even more troubling was how he would control his emotions and endure the night in bed with him. Todd was enjoying the "adventure" but Rick was tormented, torn between his self- imposed duty to help a young man cope with isolation and peer taunts and his recently awakened craving for sensual satisfaction.

Rick turned on the TV and surfed the channels but found nothing worth watching and left it tuned to a 24-hour news channel. He turned his attention to how to avoid any awkwardness while sharing a bed with Todd. There was only one fool-proof way.

Todd emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist. The sight of the lad with his solid, perfectly proportioned body and captivating smile nearly derailed Rick's plan but he had to go through with it. "Sit down a minute, Todd. I have a favor to ask of you."

"Sure, Rick," Todd said as he sat on the edge of the bed facing Rick. "What is it?"

Rick was temporarily distracted by sight of the teen's legs disappearing up and under the towel almost to his genitals. But he fought to control his eyes and said, "This is going to sound ... well ... bizarre but hear me out. I'm going to be brutally honest with you."

"Sounds serious," Todd said.

"It is. Let me start with some background." Rick summarized his feelings when he first saw Todd in the pool being shunned by the other boys, later meeting his parents at poolside, and how they had agreed to let him become friends with their son with the hope of helping him through the difficulties of isolation. He concluded by saying, "Let me be very clear. My first objective was to help you but when I got to know you it was not an artificial friendship. I quickly grew to admire you and to like you. The time we've spent together has been pure joy for me. I'd like to continue being your friend. I still want to help you cope with being an outsider among your peers but more than that, I want us to be friends. Above all, I want you to be happy."

Todd had listened intently, initially resenting the plot to manipulate his life but gradually recognizing both his parents' and Rick's honorable intentions and ultimately moved by the sincerity of Rick's expression of affection. "I am happy!" he objected. "Sure, I have a few problems with kids at school but I've got great parents and the time I spend with you has been terrific."

"The weird part is yet to come," Rick said. "You see, there's more to it than liking you as a friend. More than going to ball games, movies, and fishing. Since I've known you, I've had feelings that were suppressed for years." Rick realized that he was skirting the issue so he continued, "To be more clear, Todd, I'm attracted to you ... sexually attracted."

Todd gasped. After comprehending what he had heard, he exclaimed, "You mean...? No! You can't mean... You were married. Raised a family. You're straight as they come!"

"It's the truth, Todd. I'm gay. Have been since I was about your age. I've lived a respectable life. I've enjoyed my straight life but I've always wanted what I could never have. Since my wife died, I've been alone and those feeling have returned and gotten stronger. I'm ashamed to say that those feelings are focused on you. Now, here's the favor I want to ask of you. I need your help to control those feelings. If I ever do or say anything improper--tonight or any other time--slap me up aside the head and tell me to back off. The last thing in the world I want is to take advantage of you ... to hurt you. You deserve better than that. But I'll need your help if I weaken. Will you help me? Please."

Todd sat quietly for some time absorbing the astonishing news and recognizing Rick's obvious distress. At length, he asked, "You know that I'm gay also, don't you?"

"Yes. Otherwise, I wouldn't even consider the possibility of ... well ... showing my affection for you. But knowing you're gay seems to have increased my desire and my temptation. It can't happen, Todd! You're eighteen. I'm 57. You have your whole life ahead of you. You need to find a partner your age to love. You don't need a fling in the sack with an old man to haunt you for years to come. Will you help me? Will you stop me if I try to do something foolish?"

"Of course," Todd replied. "But you must understand that I have needs, too. I haven't had real sex for over a year. Jerking off is simply not the same. Maybe I want sex as much as you do."

"Stop right there!" Rick exclaimed. "You're not helping me! I'm asking you to help me avoid a situation we would both regret."

"You've been honest with me, Rick. Let me be honest with you. I like you a lot. I've never considered sex with you because of your age but mostly because I thought you were straight. Now that I know you're gay, my whole attitude has changed. If you insist that I reject your sexual advances, I will honor your request. But at the same time, I hope that you would accept mine. Dad told me once that sex between two people, even two men, is all right provided that both are willing participants and precautions are taken to avoid STDs. I may be only eighteen but I'm legally an adult and I know what I'm doing. So if I ask for sex it's because I want it and because I think you want it. It doesn't mean we're life partners. What it means is that we are giving each other something each of us wants, will enjoy, and will not regret."

Rick could think of no rebuttal to Todd's argument, perhaps because he subconsciously didn't want to refute his reasoning. All he could say was, "Are you absolutely sure? Do you really believe that you'll have no regrets?"

"No doubts at all," Todd said.

"Okay," Rick said hesitantly. "If I start something, you'll stop me. Right?"

"Unless I really want what you start, yes."

"If you start something, I should feel free to accept it. Right?"

"Yes."

"Anything that may happen is no more than casual sex with no expectation of a relationship. Right?"

"Right."

"There's one more thing I must tell you, Todd, and it may change your mind. Your parents know I'm gay. I warned them that I was attracted to you and may not be able to resist the temptation of being alone with you. They discussed the possibilities and told me that they trusted my judgment. Although they didn't say it explicitly, they gave me permission to have sex with you on two conditions. One, I had to be absolutely sure that it would not hurt you. Two, you had to initiate the contact. I agreed and added a third. I promised to emphasize very strongly that you must find someone your own age when the time is right to form a committed relationship. Does that shock you? That your parents gave their permission?"

Todd thought a moment. "A little. I know they're very open minded and accepting of me. So I guess it's logical that they would want what's best for me. And impose the conditions they did."

"You have the best parents in the world, Todd. And they have the best son."

"I know. I mean the first part--about my parents. Todd broke into a grin and said, "Now, I suggest that you take your shower. You smell of wet clothes. I'll be waiting for you in bed. Don't take too long."

Rick was not long in the shower, only the minimum time to get clean and to marvel at the unexpectedly favorable reaction from Todd over the possibility of sex. He exited the bathroom with only a towel around his waist to find Todd lying in bed covered by a sheet. Todd smiled broadly when he saw Rick and immediately threw back the sheet to expose his naked body. His soft cock lay across a thigh; his balls hung low; and a thicket of dense pubic hair seemed to accentuate his manhood. It literally took Rick's breath away. All he could do was star as his cock began to inflate.

"Don't just stand there, Rick. Drop the towel and let me see you, too."

Rick complied as though he was under the complete control of his young friend, which, indeed he was.

"Nice!" Todd said. "Now come over here and get in bed. I want you, Rick. I want to have sex with you."

It was more of a request, perhaps a plea, but Rick eagerly obeyed as though it were a command.

They grasped each other in an embrace so tight and firm that it was as if their very lives depended on holding on to each other. In fact, that was not far from the truth. At the instant their naked bodies pressed together there was nothing -- nothing -- more important to either of them than physical, sensual, erotic contact. In a very short time, both had rigid erections and they heightened their pleasure by rhythmically grinding them together.

A flash of reason crossed Rick's mind and he asked -- fearing one answer but hoping for the other -- are you absolutely sure you want to do this?"

"Absolutely sure, Rick. And I'll stick to our agreement. If you start anything, I'll tell you to stop unless I want it. And I want it! If I start something, you'll accept it. Is this what you want?"

"More than anything,"

"Okay, here's what I want," Todd said. "I want you to lie back and enjoy what I'm going to do. When I'm finished, it will be your turn to do what you want to do. Okay?"

Rick could only smile in agreement, whereupon Todd began. He massaged Rick's chest, teasing with his chest hair and paying special attention to his nipples. His mouth then replaced his hands in lavishing attention to his neck, shoulders, chest, and nipples. He then moved downward, kissing and licking with a short pause and extra tonguing at the navel. Continuing the downward plunge, he reached Rick's pubic bush but carefully avoided contact with the throbbing penis that drooled precum. Rick, by this time, was moaning with pure pleasure. No love-making with his late wife had been so delightful -- not even close. Suddenly, Todd stopped. Rick opened his eyes and looked down. Todd had repositioned himself by Rick's feet and had begun massaging his feet while sucking on his toes. Gradually, he moved up to the calves, the knees, and the thighs. The closer he got to Rick's crotch, the more the waves of sensual pleasure cascaded throughout Rick's body. When he felt Todd's tongue tickle his balls, he entered a nearly delirious state but it was nothing compared to the sensations when he felt Todd's tongue lap up the precum on the tip of his cock and the warms, moist lips encircle the helmet of his rod. Rick uncontrollably moaned loudly.

Todd then set to work giving Rick a masterful blow job with a perfect combination of teasing with the tongue, stroking the base of the cock with a hand, and taking more and more of Rick into his mouth. When Rick began to buck his hips, Todd stopped sucking and let the man fuck his face. With a scream, Rick exploded into Todd's throat with several volleys of creamy nectar that Todd devoured with delight.

Having coaxed the last few dribbles of cum for Rick's deflating cock, Todd moved up to lie across the man's chest. He felt Rick's lungs pumping for air and his heart pounding. Todd was extremely happy and proud that he had given Rick such pleasure. He was also concerned when he saw tears rolling down from Rick's eyes toward his ears but realized that it was not pain or sadness but emotional overload that triggered the tears. That made the young man even happier and prouder to have satisfied Rick so completely.

When Rick recovered, Todd kissed him tenderly on the lips and rolled off to lie beside him.

Rick grinned euphorically at Todd and said, "That was wonderful. You were amazing. Where did you learn how to do everything just right?"

Todd chuckled and said, "I had a friend at my old school. Or at least he was a friend until he outed me to everybody he knew. Anyway, he knew what he was doing. I supplemented that by watching a couple of gay porno videos."

"Well," Rick said, smiled and continued, "I'm not as proficient as you are but I'd like to return the favor. Now's the time to tell me to back off if you don't want me to take advantage of you."

"Do whatever you want, Rick. Do what you've always dreamed of doing. I want -- I need -- you to take advantage of me."

Rick duplicated Todd's efforts. Not as skillfully. Not as artfully. But with unbounded pleasure in having free access to a handsome and willing young man. Todd had softened during his prolonged effort to stimulate and satisfy Rick but his young cock quickly returned to full mast. And his orgasm was the best he'd had in a very long time.

They cuddled together wordlessly for a long time, basking in the unparalleled bliss of having had a magnificent experience. Todd was grateful for the completely unexpected opportunity to have sex with someone he genuinely liked even though, he reminded himself, it was not a relationship that could last for very long. But he hoped it would not be the last and only time to share a bed.

Rick, for the first time in weeks, was at peace with his conscience. He no longer had to fear inappropriately succumbing to temptation. His goal of helping Todd no longer conflicted with his sexual attraction to him nor with the fear of causing harm to a promising young man.

Rick broke the silent reverie. "Thank you. You'll never know how much I appreciate your understanding and giving me the experience that I've wanted for so long."

"I'm glad you liked it. I certainly did."

"No regrets?" Rick asked.

"None whatsoever. Not now. Not ever."

"You know, Todd, that I will never tell anyone about what we've done. If you choose to tell your parents, that's all right but don't think for a minute that I will tell them."

"I doubt that I will, Rick. It's one thing to tell them I'm gay and they accepted that far better than I expected. But it's quite another thing to tell them about my sexual activities. That would be just too much information and I don't think they would even want to know.'

Eventually, the two fell asleep with arms and legs wrapped around each other.

Rick awakened slowly as usual and he lay in bed as the fog of slumber dissipated. Suddenly, he became aware that someone was spooned into his back. An arm was draped across his waist; the hand on the end of the arm lay motionless on his cock. Was this another dream? No. It was real. It was Todd pressed against his backside and the young man's morning woody was nestled into the crack of his ass. Yes, it was real, not another dream. He and Todd had sex the night before, both willing, both eager, both thankful that their needs had been met. It seemed too good to be true. But it was true. Decades of longing and frustration had been expunged in an episode of erotic delight.

Rick lay there recalling the totally unexpected turn of events that he had once feared but that now seemed to be the answer to his prayers. Fortune had indeed smiled on him. Practical considerations began to intrude into his mind -- primarily, what was best for Todd? Would other sexual contacts help or hurt him? It might help because he enjoyed it (although not nearly as much as he did) and had no other opportunities to satisfy his needs. It might hurt him if he became dependent on a 57-year-old, frustrated man instead of seeking a partner closer to his age. And there was the original goal: to help Todd cope with the cruel discrimination and the lonely isolation he faced. That was a problem for which Rick still had no solution.

As much as he enjoyed laying there with Todd, there was a more urgent problem; he had to pee. He extracted himself very carefully from his young companion, leaving the sleeping Adonis, and planning to return to blissfully cuddle. It was not to be. Upon leaving the bathroom, he saw that Todd was awake and rushing past him with a hurried, "Good morning." Moments late, the toilet flushed, the door flew open, Todd ran to the bed, jumped on top of an astonished Rick, and gave him a long, tight hug.

"My word! You're chipper this morning," Rick laughed.

"Yeah," Todd enthused. "Wanna know why?"

"I haven't a clue," Rick joked.

"It's `cause of last night. I think it was the best night of my life. I'm so happy I don't know whether to laugh or cry."

"I don't want you to cry," Rick said. "Let's see if I can make you laugh." He rolled Todd off onto his back, straddled his hips, and began to tickle him aggressively. Todd laughed even harder when Rick discovered his most ticklish spots.

"Stop! Stop! Back off!" Todd managed to shout between fits of laughter but Rick kept up the playful torture. "Want me to hit you upside the head like you said I should?" Todd yelled.

Rick yielded to the young man's plea and lay down beside him.

"That was wicked," Todd grinned.

"No siree!" Rick objected. "That was playful. What we did last night was wicked."

Todd gave Rick a mischievous grin and said, "Can we be wicked again? Like last night?"

"No." Rick teased. "I think I'd better check the TV news to see if the road is clear."

Rick sat up as though preparing to turn on the TV but Todd pulled him back down and said in a pleading tone, "Please! We may not have another chance like this for a long time."

The puzzle of whether to engage in sex again with Todd didn't even enter Rick's mind. The opportunity was irresistible and he pulled Todd into an embrace, pressing the full length of their naked bodies tightly together.

After several minutes of fondling and foreplay, they settled into a 69 position. Unlike the previous night, neither felt a need to race toward orgasm. Rather, without any explicit agreement, each of them worked slowly on the other's cock, enjoying the feel and taste in their mouths and, of course, the stimulation of their own genitals. Todd, as might be expected of the much younger man, was the first to tense up, groan, and release several spurts of cum into Rick's mouth. It took Rick longer to reach climax but not because of Todd's lack of skill.

They lay together for almost an hour. Rick took the opportunity to remind Todd, "The sex we enjoy together cannot go on forever. You have to find a younger partner."

"I know that, Rick. And I will. I don't know how to do it but I'll try. In the meantime, I'd like to think that we can get together once in a while. I would enjoy it and I think you would, too."

"Okay," Rick agreed. "As long as you remember that what we do together is just sex and there can never be any thought of a continuing relationship."

"That bothers me, Rick. I may find someone ... someone who might even be a life-partner. Where does that leave you? Are you going to try to find a partner, too?

"Perhaps. But I'm smart enough to realize that I'm not a young man anymore. Nobody's going to be hitting on me. Besides, my sex drive will start to diminish. Who would want a partner that can't perform?"

"That's sad," Todd said. "I'm sorry."

Rick abruptly interrupted him and said emphatically. "Stop right there! Don't feel sorry for me! I don't want sympathy!" There was an awkward pause while Todd tried to understand Rick's anger.

Rick had realized that any time spent with Todd might become only a fond memory. More distressing, he might never have another man in his bed. Most disturbing of all was a suspicion that emerged in his mind, which prompted him to say, "And if having sex with me is just a favor to an old man, thanks but no thanks!"

Todd didn't take time to think of a response but what he said was inspired. "Listen to me, Rick. Believe what I say because it's the truth. I wanted to have sex with you. Like I told you, it's been a long time since I had real sex and I wanted it. More importantly, I wanted it with you. Why? Because you're kind ... considerate ... fun to be with ... and you're handsome. Yes, Rick, you're handsome! And I've never thought of you as old. Last night, I took special pains to arouse you and give you pleasure. That wasn't a favor to an old man. I enjoyed exploring your body. It was my way of thanking you for everything you've done for me. I wanted to do it and I enjoyed doing it. Sympathy was never a part of it."

Elegantly chastised, Rick regretted his outburst. He stared in wonder at the young man who was obviously sincere. Emotions overwhelmed him. He held Todd tightly, almost taking the teen's breath away, and began to cry for the first time since he was a child. He hadn't even cried when his wife died. Now he was being a child again to Todd as a loving parent. The irony was obvious. He had wanted to help Todd but it was Todd who rendered the greatest help.

Todd returned the hug but let Rick exhaust his tears and regain composure. He had not felt sorry for Rick until this cathartic exchange. Now, however, he was deeply sorry for a man who had been haunted by forbidden desire for years and now faced his own mortality without much hope of finding a companion. Yes, he was sorry for Rick but could never say so because it would arouse the man's anger again.

Rick apologized for his lack of emotional control. Todd brushed it off and said, "Rick, there's one more thing I want to say. I love you ... not as a partner or a lover ... but as a very good friend."

"Thank you, Todd. I can't think of anything I'd rather be than your friend."

"Now," Todd said. "How about some breakfast? I'm starved."

They dressed and went to the dining hall for a buffet breakfast. They inquired at the front desk about progress on clearing the road and were pleased that it would be open by late afternoon. Rick told Todd to call his grandparents' house. "Your parents may or may not be concerned but they would appreciate your call. And be sure to ask how your grandfather is."

Having made the call, they decided to take a hike through the surrounding forest, following the foot paths that made their walk as easy as it was pleasant. After an hour, Rick suggested they leave the path and explore the wooded hills. Half an hour later, they came to a clearing where they decided to sit down and rest.

"I'm curious," Todd said. "You've been gay all your life but you married and lived a straight life. Why?"

"The answer is simple," Rick replied. "Things were different when I was your age. If you think the discrimination you endure now is bad, it was infinitely worse back then. How bad was it? Sex with a woman before marriage was condemned but, in general, it was accepted as a natural instinct -- immoral but could be forgiven. There was no tolerance whatsoever for queers or homos. There are still remnants of those feelings today, especially among religious zealots, but attitudes have changed significantly. I chose to live straight to avoid the malicious persecution from family, friends, and -- it seemed -- the whole of society. So I took the easy route and got married, raised a family, and conformed to society's expectations."

"So all those years, you never had sex with a man?"

"Not quite. As a junior in high school, I was almost convinced that I was gay and it wasn't just a phase I was going through. But that summer my Dad hired a college kid as a farm hand. He and I had sex a lot. It was wonderful. It convinced me that I was different ... and always would be. But I could never tell anybody. It would shame my family and subject me to bullying far worse than what I think you have to put up with."

"So you got married just to hide what you really wanted?"

"Exactly. But don't get me wrong. I learned to love my wife. We had some good sex, too. I enjoyed my kids and I'm proud of them. So, you see, I've had a pretty good life. But enough about me. Tell me about yourself. Like when did you decide that you were gay?"

"I guess it was when I went through puberty. I was about 13. At first, I was just fascinated with the changes in my body. I got interested in other guys and how they were developing. Then I learned how to jerk off and I was hooked. Of course I knew about reproduction and how men get women pregnant. But girls didn't interest me at all. I became more and more attracted to other guys. That worried me. A lot. I knew what all the other kids thought about queers and I sure didn't want to be called names and shut off from having any friends. So I kept my secret. That is, until I met Cory. We were juniors in high school and became good friends. On one of our sleepovers--I guess we were both horny--we jerked off together. Later, we jerked each other off. Then we started sucking dick. We did that a lot. I thought I had found a kindred soul because he was usually the one to start things and I was glad to go along. Then one day we had an argument. I told him that another guy in my math class was really hot. He flew into a jealous rage. I couldn't believe how mad he got; he was totally out of control. To get even with me he spread the word all over school that I had tried to talk him into having sex with him. He claimed to have refused and that was why we were no longer friends. He said he couldn't be friends with a perverted fag. Everybody believed him. What could I do? I sure as hell couldn't say that he was queer, too, and that we had been jerking off together and sucking each other. That would just confirm that I was queer and sound like I was getting revenge on him."

"So that's when you became an outcast?"

"Right. I tried to tough it out but one day a gang of guys beat up on me. I was crying when I got home. Not from the beating as much as from the constant harassment. Mom and Dad were upset, of course. They coaxed me to tell them what happened and why. That's when I came out to them, figuring they might as well hate me like everyone else did. But they were wonderful. I couldn't believe it! They still loved me! They had a fag son and they loved me! Dad wanted to have the bullies punished but I insisted that it would only make matter worse. So we moved to get away from the torment. I objected to their having to move but they did anyway. I was glad they did it for me."

"And the new school was better?" Rick asked.

"For a while. But somehow everybody found out. I can't prove it but I'm sure the captain of the football team -- he was one of the guys that beat me up -- told somebody on the new school's team about me. That was a bad break but I'm lucky that kids in the new school don't call me names. They just avoid me."

"I can understand, Todd, that it's still difficult for you. Not to have any friends at school, I mean."

"Yeah," Todd said wistfully. "I tried to join the drama club at school but the faculty advisor told me I would be a bad influence on the others and asked me please not try out for the school play."

"He should be fired for that!" Rick said angrily.

"It was a she," Todd corrected. "But it's just as well. None of the other kids in the drama club would talk to me, anyway. Except Stu. He's pretty much like me -- not gay but he doesn't fit into the crowd. He's the only friend I have at school. Two misfits. He takes a lot of crap from others for hanging out with me but he says -- excuse the language -- Fuck em. I don't care what they think of me.' I try to feel the same way but I'd prefer to be accepted. And have more friends."

"So you like Stu?" Rick asked.

"He's okay. Kinda crude sometimes. But brilliant. Straight A in college prep classes. And funny. He has a knack for seeing things that others don't. Like when I told him that the teacher didn't want me in the drama club. He said it was her preacher talking through her mouth and the words didn't even pass through her brain. I laughed at that `cause it was true.

"From what you've told me," Rick said, "it sounds like you've accepted being gay ... being different from other guys. But you're not happy that others don't accept you and make friends with you."

"That's pretty much it," Todd said. "But I can live with that. As long as nobody beats me up again."

"That's just about what I guessed that first day I saw you in the pool. You were all alone. I guessed that you wanted to join the others. Seeing you like that made me think of how I felt at your age ... lonely ... wanting friends. Then one of the boys in the pool seemed to snarl at you. You didn't look at all happy when you got out of the pool. Want to know why I asked you to get me an ice tea?"

"Yeah. I thought that was strange."

"Because I thought I knew how you felt -- being an outsider, I mean. I didn't know then that you were gay. This sounds trite but I could feel your pain and I wanted to help you. I didn't know how but I wanted to make you feel better."

"That was nice of you, Rick. But there's nothing can be done about it. I'm gay. I accept that. I just wish others would accept it. It would be nice to join the drama club. It would be nice to be invited to parties. Even having other kids talk to me would be nice. But I guess I'll just have to live with their bigotry."

"I realize it's tough, Todd. That's why I want to help. But I don't know how. Maybe if we put our heads together, we can figure something out."

"Right!" Todd replied in a tone iced with sarcasm. "You got a magic wand? Sure, I'd rather be like the rest of the kids and be included in their circle of friends but that'll never happen, will it? Not as long as I'm gay and they hate queers."

"There's got to be some way I can help," Rick said, feeling powerless.

Todd looked seriously at Rick for several moments and worked up courage to say, "You told me you don't want sympathy. Well, neither do I! I can take care of myself, thank you very much!"

Rick was unpleasantly surprised at what appeared to be a rejection of help. All he could think of to say was, "Okay. But I'm available any time you want to talk."

"Sorry," Todd said. "I didn't mean to snap at you. I know you're just trying to be nice to me."

"Here's a puzzler for you, Todd. What's the difference between sympathy and compassion?"

The question seemed to derail the conversation. "Well," Todd answered, "I guess I don't know."

"Sympathy is merely feeling sorry for someone. Compassion is recognizing another's pain or misfortune and wanting to do something about it. That's a huge difference. When I accused you of having sex with me out of sympathy for an old man, you explained that you wanted to do something for me to make me feel better. That was compassion that I mistook for sympathy. Well, that's how I feel toward you. I recognize the difficulties you're having and -- with your permission -- I'd like to do something to make you happier."

"That's really cool," Todd grinned. "I like that. But you know what would make me happy?"

"No. What?"

I'd like to go back to the lodge now ... go to our room ... and be wicked."

"TODD! We're having a serious discussion here and you're thinking about sex!"

"Please, Rick. It may be our last chance ... at least for a long time."

"That's what you said this morning. How many times are you going to use that excuse?" Rick asked jokingly.

"As many as I can! Then I'll think of something new. Let's go."

to be continued...