I don't even know how to begin writing about that night. I guess I should've stuck with my journal I stopped weeks ago, so I could look back now and remember exactly how it happened, rather than try right now to remember. The events of that night I still go over again and again, trying to figure out just how it changed me, for initially the better and eventually the worse.
That night was the Guitar concert, where Ruben, Marisol, Nile and I had to help out Mr. Castillo play some ensemble with rather easy songs. I had to go to the Relay for Life a bit late, so I was dropped off at home by Marisol after the concert and changed from my formal wear to some more relaxed clothing. I believe I was wearing my favorite white long sleeve shirt with black shorts and my beanie. I walked to Mc High, and initially got lost as to where the stadium was. I know, that's pretty dumb since I've been there so many times, but that's me. My plan was to stay until 6 AM when it ended, with my Senior friends. Plans never work out how you think they will though.
I eventually got there around 9 or 10, and found Jocelyn with Gabe, my IB friends. I found first my Sophomore friends, then my Senior friends. I walked around with my Sophomore friends for a while, and even ran a lap or two with 'em. After a while, I went to the NHS camp site and saw Crystal, Miguel, and others, and ran like how they do in the movies to hug Crystal with Mrs. Trager watching us evilly. I just smiled at that evil lady. :)
Afterwards, my Sophomore friends and I found each other again. I asked where Fishie was, and we found her with her Church friends, all girls I believe at that time. I said "Hey I'd like to go play with them. I love Volleyball." So we went to go play with them for a while. It was pretty fun for a while, but my Senior friends came and called out to me to go play with them Ninja. I played with them for a while, but since I kept losing horribly, I decided to go back with my Sophomore friends to play Volleyball. When I got back, a few people had left, and this one guy had joined, so I wasn't the only guy playing anymore. It got to where more and more people stopped playing, and eventually the guy was standing next to me. He started talking to me, asking me what my name was, where I was from, what grade, what sports I did, stuff like that. Every few minutes or so he asked another question, which I replied to and asked the same question in return. I didn't think anything of it, maybe because I'm oblivious to my surroundings, I don't know. After that, he started hanging out with me and my Sophomore friends, and eventually my Senior friends at the stadium seats. I learned that his name was Juan, but he liked for people to call him Anthony. He was a Senior at Mc High, the only guy Stepper ever, and also on the track team. He seemed like a cool enough guy, and I'm always open to meeting new people. After the Volleyball game was over, he kinda followed me around. I wasn't about to object though; he was really cute and a pretty nice guy. He met some of my friends, and went with us to go hang out at the Mc High Stadium stands. Him, Brenda, Gabby and I just walked around, but eventually Gabby had to leave, so it was just Brenda, Juan and I. I was getting hungry, and we wound up at a convenience store. I got a bag of hot fries and Juan told me those were his favorite chips, which got me really excited of course. I got Brenda these strange chips that she said her uncle always ate, and Juan bought himself either a Gatorade or Powerade.
When we got back to Mc High, we found this inflated brown thing and decided to lay down on it. Juan took off his shoes to show one bright blue sock and another bright pink sock. At that moment I thought to myself "Okay he's probably gay", but I wasn't about to assume. Brenda then told me that she thought he had been hitting on me earlier while we were playing Volleyball. I asked how, and she said that out of all the people there, he decided to talk to me, and wasn't talking or paying attention to anyone else. At the time I didn't think anything of it, yet Brenda's comments made me think. Even with all this evidence I was still pretty oblivious.
Brenda left eventually and I was about to leave to; it was shortly after midnight. I told Juan I'd be walking home, and he offered to walk with me. I thought about it for a bit, and thought it'd be better to walk with a friend than by myself, so I agreed. Just before we were about to leave, he saw two friends of his from Mc High, and luckily I knew them too. Brianna and Benny from Orchestra. We chilled together for a while at that inflated thing, did some flips where I messed up horribly and Juan just laughed and fell beside me. He helped me up and his hands lingered on my waist a bit longer than they should've.
After, they found some other Mc High friends that I didn't know whatsoever. We played Volleyball with them, and then a dance thing was going on. I'm a horrible dancer, and decided not to participate in fear of embarrassing myself terribly in front of Juan. He on the other hand is an amazing dancer, and went all out for it. I smiled and watched him, and checked him out a bit too much, but he didn't seem to notice.
Around 2 AM, I decided I was pretty tired and I was gonna walk home. He got kinda excited that we were leaving. Juan then offered instead for us to go to his house where we could pick up his car and he could drive me home. He lived much closer to Mc High then I did, so I said sure. When we were alone, we started talking about more personal things. Eventually, he asked "Hey I wanna ask you something that's been on my mind. Are you like that?" "Like what?" "Like THAT." "haha I don't know what you're trying to say." "Are you, like... gay or bi or whatever." "Oh... Why would you ask that?" "I don't know, I was just wondering." "Yeah but you don't just ask that to someone you just met." "Do I really have to say it?" "Yes." "Maybe it's because I found you handsome or attractive or whatever." "Oh." At that point I blushed, but it was dark so I doubt he saw. I didn't say anything for a while, and he was like "So?" "I'd rather not say." Which he got kinda mad
about, but he didn't push it. We walked for another few minutes talking about other stuff, and finally I said "Alright fine. I'm gay. And yeah, you're pretty sexy yourself." He laughed as said "Don't say it like that." "haha okay." We talked about other stuff, not all of it I can remember.
When we finally got to his house, I waited outside as he got the car keys. We got in his car and I said "It's pretty cool you can drive; I can't to save my life." "I should teach you sometime." "Oh yeah sure anytime" I said jokingly. He started driving, and I asked "Do you know where your going? To get to my house?" "I don't know where you live, but I know where I'm going." That kinda scared me, but for some reason I was sure he wouldn't do anything. We ended up going back to Mc High, to the parking lot; we parked really far from all the other cars, and he unbuckled, looked at me really seriously, and simply stated "Let's switch." I got really scared and said "Whoa I can't drive, like at all. I've never driven before!" He just got out, and we switched. For the next forty minutes or so, he taught me the basics of driving. Him, a guy I just met hours before, was teaching me something that none of my friends or parents ever did. I'll never forget that about him, and how sweet that was. Afterwards, when we went around, we met each other half way and I hugged him. "That was really nice of you to do that." "No problem" was all he said.
After that, it was close to 3, he took me home. We stayed parked outside my house for a while, but we heard a noise. Thinking it was my dad, I said maybe we should park somewhere else just for now. Somehow we ended up going to the Convention Center. We parked right in front of the waterfall stair thing, and we got out and went down the stairs right to where the water was falling. We saw these turtles struggling against the current the whole time we were there. At first, we talked a lot about past relationships, both his and mine. About things we went through, people we loved, friends, probably anything you can think of. At some points we were both quiet, and I'd look off at the water, and at times I could feel his eyes on me. I'd turn around and he's just be staring at me and kinda smiling, and at that point I think I fell for him. Not in love, but I liked him at that moment. At one point, he called me a dork because of what I told him how I was at school. I laughed "Yeah I am a dork. But I love being one." He just laughed at that, and got close to me. He said "Come here." I got a bit nervous, and he just pulled me to him, and we kissed for the first time. After that first kiss, we kissed each other a lot that night and nights after. He told me to go to the step below and go between his legs so that he could hold me. At that moment I got scared, I don't know why. I told him this, that now I have this feeling I was scared of losing it. "Don't be scared; I'm right here" was his reply. He was so warm and caring, and kissed my neck, my ear, my cheek. I felt so happy then, and for so long after that whenever I thought about that night. Around 6 AM, we decided that he should get me home before my parents woke up, who thought I got home around 1:30. He opened my car door for me, and leaned in and started kissing me again. I laughed and said "it's okay, I'll be right here when you get in next to me."
"Shut up" he laughed. He closed my door, got in, drove me home, kissed me goodnight before I got out, gave me his number, and drove off. I texted him when I got home so he could have my iPad number, and I knocked out.
Ever since I left with him to his house, I thought of it all as a dream. I still do somewhat. When I got home, it was strange to be surrounded by the normal day-to-day things after having such an incredible night. When I woke up just a few hours later, it never really hit me what happened that night/morning. He texted me something I can't remember, and ever since we texted non-stop that whole day. I can't remember if it was that day or the next that I went to his house, but the next time I saw him was when he picked me up and we went to his house. I took the movie "Boy in the Striped Pajamas" to his house so that we could watch it in his room, but his DVD Player on his small TV wasn't working. So we went to watch it in his living room with his little sisters there. About after twenty or so minutes into the movie he took my hand in his. We started off on the farthest parts of his small sofa and got closer and closer until our legs and arms were touching.
We stayed like this the whole movie until his dad walked in, where we quickly separated. Before the movie started we tried to get it to work in his room. He showed me his small but decorated room, and as I was looking at a poster he made himself, he got really close to me and looked at me. I turned around and as he was about to kiss me I turned away. I got off his bed and he grabbed me and brought me to him, and he kissed me. He had just eaten something and smelled really strongly of it, and I laughed and told him that he did. He just laughed and said "Shut up" and led me to the living room. I love his amazing kisses.
When he took me home, he parked around the curb from my house, several houses down, and said "Before I take you home..." and we stared kissing. We did so for a while, but I told him I had to get home. We parked in front of my house and I asked "Hey can I ask you something?" "Yeah of course anything." I got really close to him, kissed him and asked "Will you be my boyfriend?" He looked surprised and said "Wow. That's really fast..." At the time I was thinking crazy and just liked him so much that I had forgotten I had known him less than two days. "It's okay if you say no" I said. "No it's not that, I really like you but I wanna take things slow." "That's alright with me" I replied and just smiled. When I got inside my house though I beat myself up over it, and thought I was so stupid. I was scared that I ruined it between us, but he texted me and we talked about it some more and he just helped me feel better.
After is a blur. School, Mariachi, Orchestra, TSA, and everything like that occupied my mind, but so did Juan. I told almost all my close friends about him at first, and then told more people while at the same time telling them I was gay. So many of my friends either were happy for me or said they didn't care, as long as I was happy. Guys, girls, nobody seemed phased by what I told them, unless they were excited or protective for me. The next week or so we saw each other almost every day. He met Tyson, and we would take long walks at McAuliffe Park. I wanted to kiss him whenever I would look at him, but at such a public place it would be wrong. We would kiss though every night before I went inside, and every time I saw him I had fun and he was so sweet.
Then one night he asked me "So what would happen if we did get into a relationship?" "What do you mean?" I replied. "Well... you're leaving." "You know... I never believed that long distance relationships could work. But then my sister and her boyfriend went out longer when they were separated than they did when they were actually together. So I believe that it CAN work, but not that they always do. And I'm not even sure yet if I'm leaving." He just smiled at me and we talked about something else.
The last night I kissed him... was a Monday I believe, in mid May. It was the night before my Orchestra concert, and I told him through text that I was having one, and he really wanted to go and see me play. That night before was similar to every other night we walked Tyson; we kissed at the end, but it was different. His mom was calling him for him to come home already, and he answered before we got to his car. He told her that he was on his way. She called again while we were kissing, yet he ignored the calls just to keep kissing me. We didn't want to stop. Maybe we both knew it may be the last time, I don't know. Yet at the time we both believed that we would see each other the next day at my concert. We were wrong.
That next day he got into a small accident. He thankfully was okay, but he got into trouble with his mom. He was punished and wasn't allowed to go anywhere for a while. He couldn't go to my concert, and we didn't see each other for a week. During that time I had a huge fight with my parents, and I decided I was leaving to Austin after all. I told him that I would sign the papers that week, and starting that day he didn't text me much. Our conversations died, and I called him out on it. He told me that ever since I told him that, he had been trying to push me away; not seeing me was torture, for both him and me, and it had only been a week. Imagine months? His logic and reasoning made perfect sense, but I refused to believe it. I agreed with him, yet still liked him so much.
I invited him to see Shutter Island a few days later, since we hadn't seen each other in a while. We were going just as friends, and my sister Justin were there too. We picked him up, and he looked so cute. He met my sister, who seemed to like him. There was an issue since I stupidly forgot my Texas ID, but the lady was nice and let us in anyways. Juan sat to my left, Lisa to my right. For half of the movie Juan's arm touched mine, and whenever we'd tell each other something we would get so close to each other and I wanted to badly to kiss him, yet I didn't. He leaned on me entirely for a bit, and laughed when he saw my semi-broken glasses. It was the first and only time he ever saw me wearing glasses.
When I got home he had texted me saying he wanted to give me a kiss on the cheek and that he had a great time. I told him I was glad he went, but that it was good he didn't kiss me, since Justin wouldn't have been okay with it. We didn't text after that for over a week. During this time was the final week of school and graduation, and since we weren't seeing each other anymore I didn't think much of it. Yet my friends encouraged me to text him, so I did. Our conversation died, as it did the next day and the next. All three days I had to text him first. After he started texting me first. His birthday was coming up, so I got him a card and stupidly decided to write him a letter. The few days leading up to his birthday I thought a lot about him and my feelings for him that were still obviously there. My friend Nicole told me that instead of wondering "What if?" I should give it my all and let him know how I feel, and see what he says. I did.
The day of his birthday he came to walk Tyson with me. I saw him and gave him a huge hug and told him happy birthday. I told him I had his present, and lifted my shirt up where I was hiding his card, but he got all surprised and laughed when I showed him the card. I told him it had a letter in it, but he was to read it when he got home. He told me he would, but that he was going out tonight so that we couldn't walk Tyson for very long. As always with him, time flew by. His friends were texting/calling him, so we had to go back to my house where he parked his car. We talked about lots of things, about how we'd been, and I hated how I had to pretend like I didn't like him. Before he left, we were in the same positions we always held before we kissed; him in his van sitting and me with Tyson standing. As I leaned down it seemed as if we would kiss, but I hugged him instead. I didn't want to confuse him anymore than I wanted to confuse myself. I told him
happy birthday again and told him to be safe that night. He said he would be, and then he laughed and said "You smell nice." I said thank you and went inside my house to get my beanie, and went over to Nicole's to tell her about it.
The letter was as follows:
"Dear Anthony,
Happy Birthday!! I hope you have an amazing one. The primary reason I write this letter is to express my feelings for you more clearly than I have been able to before, since talking face to face is harder than writing a letter. I still remember that first night we met all those weeks ago. It felt like a dream that night, and as I look back it still seems like that, just an amazing dream. It was an incredible night, and meeting you really did change me. Because of you, I came out to virtually all my friends, something I had been so scared about for years. Because of you, I realized that I could be truly happy with what the Universe or God has given me, and I thank you for that. Those other nights I don't remember as well, but I do remember that last night we kissed. It was the night before the Orchestra Concert, and you ignored some of your mom's calls just to keep kissing me. I didn't want for you to go, even though we both knew we'd see each other the
next night. I think that night I truly fell for you, and the whole next day I couldn't wait to see you again. But you couldn't go to my concert, and we didn't see each other for a week. We decided to be friends because I'm leaving, yet I invited you to see Shutter Island, which is the last time I saw you. I never told you this, but so many times when you'd turn to say something and we got so close, I wanted to kiss you. I don't think you really know how amazing you make me feel, how special I feel when I'm with you, yet vulnerable at the same time. I love how we're both in love with hot fires, and how dorky yet cute you look in your glasses. I love how you say "You're funny looking" and I just make a face and you just kiss me. I'm still amazed at the randomness of how we met at the Relay for Life, and why a guy like you likes a guy like me. But I'm glad you do. No matter what your response to this letter is, know that you will forever have a place in
my memory and heart. I now offer you everything I am or ever will be. Anthony, I offer you my heart. What you choose to do with it is up to you; you can shatter it and hand it back to me, and I will be completely heartbroken. But know that in the long run I will be perfectly okay. If you decided to keep my heart, the only thing I ask is for me to have yours. Whatever your choice, I will always remember these past few weeks, and the guy that brought happiness to me for that time.
Sincerely,
Ponsiano Ramirez III"
The next day he texted me saying "Hey good afternoon =)" and I replied "Good afternoon :)" He said he was confused by my letter. I told him that it meant what it said: "I now offer you everything I am or ever will be. Anthony, I offer you my heart." He never replied after I explained it to him. The next night he texted me saying "Hey", just that. I replied the same way, and he asked what was up. I wanted an answer so I could just move on, and I told him to stop avoiding the question. He said "I haven't been; I'm confused and shocked. I had no idea that you would do this. I even told my sisters about it." He's like me; his sister is his best friend. He eventually told me this: "Ponsi you know I like you but before we got too close I tried to push you away to keep from getting emotionally in touch with you. We've talked about this before and I just can't do a long distance relationship." "So that's your answer. I knew it'd probably be that, but I just had
to know that I gave it my all to get this amazing guy, and I did. Thank you for at least telling me." "I'm sorry."
And here I am days later writing about it. We haven't talked or texted since that night. I'm still hopelessly thinking that maybe he'll change his mind, but I highly doubt it. I didn't cry that night, but I talked to Ricky, Meghan and Freya. I cried the next day while taking a shower and listening to the really saddening song "Almost Lover", which really does describe the whole situation. I cried then while listening to that song while in the shower, really sobbing. It's been the only time since I've cried during the whole ordeal. For a while I felt happy that I could move on, and I know I can, but it's just hard to.
I didn't think about it much today, until I told Ricky that I met someone while he was gone at Orientation. I was kidding, but he then said "Oh really? Where's he from? And did you fall in love with him in 5 days? And you're writing letters to him now?" He was poking fun at how I was with Juan, and I knew he was probably kidding, but saying that was like a sharp stab to my heart. It reminded me of how stupid I had been in the "relationship" I had with Juan. It almost brought me to tears, yet it didn't. I told Ricky it had hurt me, and that joking or not he shouldn't have said that, because it really upset me. He was sorry, and I wasn't mad at him, just saddened by the remark.
And here I am, up at 1 AM writing all this down. I can't wait until Crystal and Ricky come home, as well as Juanito who's been gone for weeks at TGS. They'll help get my mind off him, and my love for them would help me move on.
For now though I'm trapped by my thoughts for/about him. I'm done.
"Goodbye my Almost Lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you. Can't you just let me be? So long my luckless romance. My back is turned on you. Should've know you'd bring me heartache. Almost lovers always do."