As soon as i was born, march 16, 1991, i was a ward of the state. Where i stayed for 18 years. my mother died giving birth to me and my father died a month before i was born for reasons unknown. So, i never had the luxury of family; someone to teach me the "right' way to love and treat others. So i went through the system as if love didn't exist. it wasnt until i met alec jensen that i really learned to love and care for others. she was 28 and i was 20 when we first met. we were at a bar and we got into a fight over a girl we were both after. after we had both been thrown out we decided on a peace treaty and went for coffee. we started talking, arguing, talking and finally agreeing as this started our friendship and eventually relationship.
Two months later marked the beginning of our relationship. Alec had prepared a trip for me to meet her parents. the trip alone was fun, we joked around and talked like we had known each other our whole lives. We visited her parents all day and drove overnight back to alec's house.
The next month went by with me going back and forth in my head "Yes im in love, no im not in love." and it showed when alec wanted to go to places and do things a normal couple would do. like hold hands at the park or movies. I was there but not completely there. I wanted to be, everytime she grabbed my hand i wanted to grab and squeeze hers back, look into those beautiful blue eyes of hers and tell her how much i loved and adored her and how much i appreciated her being there. But i just couldnt, i couldn't bring myself to tell her the things i knew she needed and wanted to hear. Truth was, i was afraid it would put me in a vulnerable state, a state that i could get hurt in again and i just couldnt, i wouldnt let myself go back to that state again not after what had happened and what i went through before.
My previous relationship, my only relationship before Alec ended horribly. We were together 6 months engaged and i found out that she had been cheating the whole 6 months with a guy....needless to say i loved and trusted her whole heartedly and got hurt the deepest id ever been hurt before.....i wasn't ready for that possibility again.
After one day of walking around downtown new york city, i laid in bed thinking of her. I had promised myself I wouldn't but i was done promising making such promises that i knew i couldnt keep. I let out a long loud sigh as i sat up getting out of bed i grabbed a tank top pulling it on and putting a light weight hoodie on as well i headed out the door. i had to see her, had to tell her how much she meant to me, i had to tell her.....show her...hell i didn't know what i had to tell or show her i just knew i had to.
Walking to her house i rehearsed what i would say to her only none of what i rehearsed was what went down when i got to her house.
Let me know what you think so far!!!