Reese

Reese (Part II) By: Holloway Copyright: 2003 Holloway H.

This is a work of fiction with an adult theme. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the story: Frontrnrusa@netscape.net

I heard from Alex a month later, he was home and working on his high school diploma, said he wanted to meet someone and settle down, and he thanked me for getting him going in the right direction. I smiled as I read the rest of the letter then put it in my pocket to be answered later. The chill of winter was already in the air. The fields had been turned up and some mornings you could see frost clinging to clumps of earth. I sat on the porch in the chilled air, a haze hung over the land like a bride's veil it was beautiful. My cup of coffee steamed in the cool air, the way a day like this made me feel was almost too much joy. I went from feeling cursed just four years ago to being blessed the way I was this morning. God and I had talked a lot since Vietnam, I knew he loved me he knew I loved and needed him to survive all the days of my life. I prayed every night to find someone to love in my life. Alex called and wrote constantly, I cared for him as a friend, but there was nothing more I could give him. Since he had left three months ago I hadn't touched another person. Every week I saw Brad at the feed store, he looked a little thinner and a little more lost. We'd talk like we use to and then he'd just drift a way. I offered to buy him dinner each time we talked but he'd make an excuse.

Thursday morning was as beautiful as all the other days this month. I was out in the barn getting ready to feed pigs, opening their feed bin I noticed almost a sour smell to their grain, I looked in the bin and in the back corner I could see daylight, I reached back and picked up a handful of soaking wet grain. I walked outside around the barn to the wall that acted as the bins back support the clapboard had been chewed away in spots allowing the grain to trickle out and the rain to get in and sour almost 200 pounds of grain. I went around to my tool shed and got a hammer and some other tools then returned to the barn and pulled the siding that had been damaged off. I shoveled the grain out, whatever had been chewing on the siding would have a hay day when they returned, free food. I put a temporary piece of tin up and drove into town to the hardware store. By now I knew everyone, most of the town had helped on my house, it was customary to talk about crops and what had been going on. I told Dwight the hardware store owner what had happened, knowing the town would soon be aware. He told me I'd have to either shoot or trap whatever the varmint was otherwise I'd be repairing the barn all the time.

He helped me put my supplies in the truck, I paid him, shook his hand and was about to leave when he ask me a question that shocked me. "You going to the foreclosure on Brad's farm?"

I looked at him stunned, "foreclosure?"

"Yep, seems he's refused to pay to keep the place, ever since that wife of his run off he ain't been good for nothing."

I thanked Dwight and headed to the feed store, I needed to replenish the grain that had spoiled. When I walked in Brad looked like hell, since it was already late in the day I loaded the grain in the truck and waited for him to close up, he looked at me like I should leave. I didn't, "Brad, get this place closed up and then you're coming home with me."

Brad looked at me angrily, "no, I'm not good company."

"I wasn't asking, I was telling, if we're friends then you'll come along, if not I think I'm probably still strong enough to force you."

Brad, looked in my face, "you would, wouldn't you?"

"Count on it." I replied.

He locked up the store and rode with me in the truck home. He helped me unload the truck and repair the siding on the barn, the entire time we didn't say two words. We put everything away when we were finished, then fed the animals before going in the house. I got us both a beer and returned to the den.

Brad was looking around, "you've got a real nice place."

I smiled at him, "thanks."

He sat down, put his head back, and closed his eyes, I stared at him and decided it was either tonight or never. I watched as he finished his beer, "let's go, we both need a shower, and then I'll get you to help me fix dinner."

He smiled for the first time in months, "okay."

He followed me upstairs, "you want to flip to see who gets the first shower?"

He laughed, "You go ahead it's your house." Brad sat on the bed and looked around, I became bold and undressed while we were talking, standing in only my boxers he stared at me "Josh does your arm still hurt?"

I walked over to him, extended my arm, and showed him the muscles underneath and how strong the arm had gotten from me working on the farm. He didn't let go of my arm he just looked up in my face, and never said a word. He slowly dropped his hand to his knee. I jumped in the shower I hurried so there would be hot water left for Brad. I called Brad as I stepped out of the shower to dry off, he didn't answer, I wrapped the towel around my waist and walked back into the bedroom. He was asleep on the edge of the bed, wearing only his boxers. I stared at him, his body was almost smooth, his arms were well defined, and even though I could see his ribs, I also saw the gentle ripple of his abdomen. I cared for him a great deal, something inside of me told me Brad and I could make a go of it, with one problem, he was straight, or at the least he was married. I walked over reached down and shook his shoulder his eyes opened slowly and he looked up at me. "If you're tired I can let you sleep."

"No, thanks anyway Josh I need to get a shower before dinner."

I walked over and started dressing, while he got cleaned up.

I was down in the kitchen fixing dinner, when Brad walked in looking a lot more relaxed than I had seen him in weeks. He sat at the counter and watched me fixing dinner, "Josh aren't you lonely living here by yourself?"

I smiled at him, "yeah, but I've never had a family or anyone else, doesn't make it any less lonely just makes it bearable."

Brad was playing with a fork on the counter, I ask him to hold the colander in the sink for me, the steam rose as I poured the pasta into the strainer, Brad looked at me. "Josh, I'm not letting my farm go, I'm going to take care of it in the morning. The problem is you I don't want to live alone anymore. I'd like us to be roommates, whatever is going on with the two of us is going to make us crazy if we don't figure it out."

My eyes stared at the rising steam, my heart was beating ninety to nothing, "Brad, you want me to be straight forward with you?"

"Yeah, I hope you can always say what's on your mind."

"Brad, two things, I'm pretty sure I'm queer and I'm almost certain I have feelings for you. I've been with one person in my life and I've never been in love with anyone." The minute those words passed my mouth I figured I'd scared the hell out of him and he'd be out of here like a light.

"Listen Josh, you're a kid, and I'm not sure what I feel for you. I know every time I'm around you I feel the need to protect you, if that makes me queer okay, I'll deal with it. I've thought about sex, but I'm not ready, not yet, when it happens or if it happens I want to be sure. Now when can I move in?" Brad stood up and hugged me, and whispered in my ear, "I can do this you know, anytime you need a hug let me know." He had me laughing before we sat down to dinner, Brad wanted to move in the next morning, he agreed to pay half of everything, he said he didn't want to take advantage of me yet with a wink of his eye. After dinner we watched television before hitting the sack. We slept together Brad held me in his arms. Before the sun came up I was in the kitchen making breakfast, Brad ran down stairs and got a seat at the table, the look on his face told me he was happy, "Josh, last night made me happy, probably happier than I've been in years. I want so badly to wrap you up and keep you safe with me, but I know I can't. Last night when you were asleep, I watched you, I traced your face, ran my fingers through your hair and felt something I've never even dreamed of feeling."

Oil was popping in the overheated pan I removed it from the stove top, "Brad what about Mary Ellen?"

"The sad thing is I realize now I was never in love with Mary Ellen, there was always something missing, with you I don't feel empty inside. Mary Ellen filed for divorce, I'm glad. I'm putting my farm up for sale, no need to have two farms, if things don't work out with us you'll have a permanent roommate."

The farm felt alive we were the beginning of a family. After some over hard, well-done eggs, sausage and toast, we headed to the feed store. Opening the feed store was work, Brad opened the bays and I built up several displays of feed, before the front door even opened people were waiting at the bays to get seed. Most everybody was a neighbor and spoke to Brad or kidded me about working in the feed store. Brad's eyes were on me every chance and we managed to touch each other in passing the entire morning. Before noon, Brad ask me to watch the store while he took care of some business, it had slowed down since most farmers were out in the fields by this time of day.

Around 1pm Brad returned all smiles, he held two bags of take out we sat behind the counter and ate. "I've taken the farm out of foreclosure. I paid the mortgage up to date along with late fees, I also put it up for sale." His face was beaming, "Josh I feel so happy."

"Me too," my hand covered his. Over the next three weeks the two of us sorted through everything on his farm, we cleaned and priced each item to be sold in the auction. My mind told me this was his heritage being sold when I spoke to him about it he reminded me the farm was his history with Mary Ellen, not his family.

"Cold, that's all I can say, it's cold out here. I didn't figure many people would come around in this weather for an auction."

Brad stared at the neighbor complaining about the cold, "George people will stand in boiling water for a good deal." George shook his head and walked over to the side of the barn out of the wind. I was frozen from moving farm implements and tools outside, my shirt was wet from sweat and once outside it turned cold. Brad came around the front of the barn I didn't see him but he stood just out of my sight watching me, I eventually spotted him and he came toward me, a serious look on his face, my first thought was what now. "Josh, we've been roommates almost two months." The way he said it I thought okay so now he'll be moving on but instead he pushed me in the barn and closed the door behind me. He had me pinned against the closed door, "as I was saying we've been roommates," he held me tight for a moment, then he looked in my eyes, "Josh, I'm happy." I held him so tight I thought I might crack his ribs. Brad ran his hand up my back and into my hair before kissing the top of my head, "let's get finished with today so we can go home." I shook my head and we began moving stuff out of the barn again. People started looking at everything around 8am, by 10:30 the place was standing room only, right on the dot the Auctioneer began selling each item or lot, the bids were better than either Brad or I had expected. The day went slowly as everything sold had to be moved. By the end of the auction nothing remained. Even the farm had sold for a better price than Brad had hoped. With all the paperwork signed, we headed home, Brad kept one hand on the wheel and one on my shoulder, we were very happy. Pizza for dinner seemed in order and after a detour to the nearest Pizza place we were headed home.

About six miles from our farm an ambulance passed us, sirens screaming into the dusk. Another two minutes and we spotted the ambulance up at the Eden's Farm. Brad pulled up their driveway to see if he could assist. The Eden's were a young foreign family with several children of various ages. Brad went in the house and came back out, his face pale as a ghost, one of the kids feel in the pond, when they got him out he wasn't breathing. Something called me I went into the house, walked to the back porch a boy no more than 6 laid on the floor blue and lifeless. Firemen were trying to resuscitate him without luck the boy's mother looked at me and without moving her lips ask me to save her child. I moved to the side of the boy opposite the firemen and lifted his hand. His palm was cold and wet. I looked down into the small face, his eyes unseeing blood beginning to trickle from his nose. It was very dark, I found it hard to breathe, cold water was filling my lungs and I became frightened but I held to his hand, a huge jolt went through my body and I felt like I was being electrocuted, my hand glowed. No one noticed my hand and everyone continued to work like I wasn't even near the boy. After another jolt almost knocked me over, the boy began to breath and cough, his eyes focused slowly, he looked at me and smiled weakly, "thank you." Everyone looked at the boy astonished.

I got up and walked over to Brad, he took my arm and led me back to the truck, the minute I settled in the front seat, Brad put his arm around my neck and pulled me to him, "you saved the little boy, I saw what happened." He kissed the top of my head, "let's get home and eat before our Pizza gets too cold." I must have fallen asleep in the truck Brad woke me by trying to get me out of the truck and into the house without waking me.

I looked in his face, "thank you."

He smiled. I sat in the den while Brad did all the preparations he brought me a coke and some Pizza then we sat beside each other and ate dinner.

What I had always feared happened, someone had spoken to the newspaper about the little boy and now everyone was interested in me, saying I had special powers and so on. I talked to a reporter for the local paper and told him what happened, leaving out anything to do with my part in his recovery, all I had done was hold his hand the firemen saved him. The reporter seemed disappointed by my side of the story and Brad's corroboration. It became a joke over the next few weeks at the feed store, but I could sense the way people looked at me like there might be some truth to the whole story. I think it was a month that had passed during the night I dreamed of going to church, I felt drawn to church I hadn't been since I was about 11 years old. I didn't say anything to Brad I waited until lunch the following day and made an excuse to travel into a neighboring town. I drove around until I found an old church, Saint Mark's. I parked on the side and walked around front the doors were open, I had forgotten noon mass was still held. I walked in the door and the jolt almost knocked me to the floor. I hurriedly sat in the back pew, pulled out the kneeler and knelt, clasping my hands and praying. My eyes were drawn to the large Crucifix hanging over the main altar Jesus was almost my size. I looked at him and I felt helpless, I thought about what I would have done had I been there when they crucified him. I always expected Jesus to open his eyes and look at me and tell me all the things I had done wrong and command me to be a better more Christian like person. Instead today I heard familiar voice, "Josh you are loved, use your gift with love and in grace, I'm am with you even unto the ends of the earth." My head remained bowed as I talked to God about all the things in my heart and somehow I knew he understood.

By the time I was on my way back to the feed store almost three hours had passed I knew Brad would be frantic. I stopped and called him from a filling station, he wasn't happy I was so late but he was glad to know I was okay. I made the turn through town and was passing the hospital when I heard my name, I kept driving and I heard my name again, this time more urgent. I turned the truck around and parked in the hospital lot. I walked to the entrance and heard my name again I followed the calling until I came to a room the voice was inside. A red sign was taped to the door, 'Infectious Area - wear appropriate protection, see nurses desk before entering.' I walked over to the desk and a young woman in a white uniform smiled, "may I help you?"

"Yes, I'm here to see the person in room 6B."

She smiled, "wonderful he's not had a single visitor since he arrived." She walked me over to what appeared to be a closet, she opened the door and pulled a handful of protective clothing items and helped me get dressed. She checked me over, led me to the door and opened it slowly, I walked inside hurriedly as instructed and she pushed the door shut behind me.

I looked around the room was full of medical machinery, I got nearer the bed and was finally able to make out a boy probably a year or two younger than me. He was starvation thin, no color to his skin, his breathing was labored and a machine pumped fresh oxygen into his body through his nose. The nurse had told me not to touch him, but I couldn't help myself. I gently put my hand on his forehead and smoothed his hair, his eyes opened and he looked up trying to smile, "Josh, you're here."

I smiled down at him and nodded, his eyes closed, my hand glowed steadily, I didn't experience anything, the boy didn't improve, he remained ill. I pulled my hand off his forehead and placed it once again on his forehead, he opened his eyes, "Josh, you can't save those whom God has chosen." My eyes began to tear I sat with him for hours until a steady whistle from the machine signified his death and his beginning. Outside the night was chilly I hurried to the feed store. Brad waited patiently in the office, doing paperwork he looked up when I entered. I sat down on the sofa, he walked over and looked in my face, the sadness I was feeling made me cry, he sat down next to me and held me as I told him the story of what had happened that day. He listened and let me interpret each event. His touch soothed me, we headed home I helped peel potatoes in the kitchen while Brad fixed two steaks on the grill. He opened the icebox and pulled out a beer for him and coke for me, I could feel him looking at me something was on his mind.

I turned around with a smile on my face, "everything okay?"

He smiled, "yes and no, but we'll talk more later, after dinner." It was a blessing Brad was a good cook otherwise I'd probably have been responsible for our food poisoning. Dinner finished and the kitchen clean Brad took my hand and led me to the den. He let go of my hand by the sofa, I sat down he sat in the overstuffed chair across from me. I knew it was going to be bad news, I felt it so deeply I almost shuddered, then I asked myself why should it be different now? Brad looked at me for a moment then looked down at his shoes as he talked, "Josh, I care for you more than I've ever cared for anyone in my life. You're my best friend, and if I were different I'd settle down with you and consider myself lucky. The problem is, I see you as a little brother or even a son who needs protecting, the few times I've thought of you any other way, it just didn't make sense to me. I'm sorry." He looked up at me for a second and continued, "I'm leaving in two days, I'm heading to California, a girl I knew in college has asked me to come out for a while, I've got enough money for everything I'll need. Here this is for you for everything you've done for me, you saved my life."

He handed me a check, I unfolded the check, he had written it for fifteen thousand, I looked at him, "why Brad?"

He tried to smile, "you never know one day I may need your help, I need to do this please."

I looked at his face his expression so sincere I smiled and thanked him.

He stood up and looked out the front window, "there's one more thing. Here."

He handed me some documents showing him and I as the owner of the Feed Store, I looked at him, "You're crazy."

He smiled, "I told you before you mean more to me than you'll ever know, we're partners and now we'll always be partners." He walked over and pulled me into a bear hug against him, he kissed the top of my head, "I love you Josh, I'm sorry it can't be in a way that we both need it to be." He was warm and comfortable I stayed next to him for several minutes. Two days passed quickly, Brad and I spent most of the time in the feed store, showing me the ropes of ordering and so on, I also knew I'd be able to call him if I needed assistance. The morning of his departure, the sky was clear blue, just a slight chill, unusual for a winter morning. We packed his truck, had breakfast and walked to the front door to say goodbye. I looked at Brad and I was determined not to cry, all the years of hurt were finally turning hard inside of me. Brad smiled, "Josh, I love you buddy, I'll call you as soon as I get there. You've been the best..." He began to cry, "I'm going to miss you so much I feel my heart breaking."

I pulled him to me and held him gently, I placed my hand on the back of his neck, the warmth and knowledge this would be the last time I would hold him almost brought me to tears. I kissed his cheek and said, "Brad you'll be sun tanned and chasing all those chicks, you won't have time to worry about me."

He squeezed me tighter "I'll always worry about you, always." He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. I walked to the truck with him and waited until he was behind the wheel, I pulled out a box and handed it to him, he looked me in the face, then opened the box, inside was a watch, engraved on the back, the date we met. He looked at me I put my finger to my lips. He started the truck and pulled away slowly, waving as he drove out of sight. I would have liked nothing better than to have gone inside the house and felt sorry for myself but I had to open the feed store, by 6am the bays were open the displays set and I greeted the morning's customers. Everyone asked about Brad, by the end of the day I had told the story so many times the sound of it was tiring.

Brad called over the weekend, he'd arrived safely, he gave me his address and phone and told me all about where he lived and the things they had done so far, said he was looking for work. I asked him about Sandy the girl he was living with, and he replied she's really nice and made him feel comfortable. He told me once again how much he missed me and we ended our conversation saying we'd talk again soon. We talked about every two months or so, mostly about the weather here and Sandy there, he was happy and by the tone of his voice I knew he'd never return here.

Almost a year had passed, I was almost 24, and the loneliness I felt inside was eating at me like a cancer. Alex called several times and it took all my strength not to ask him to visit, even when he offered I told him now wasn't a good time. I put a sign in the feed store window, I needed to hire some help. A few of the local farm boys came around to inquire about the job until they found out what the hours were, none of them could afford to miss school so they all walked away.

On Tuesday night, February 13 I couldn't sleep, I tossed and turned. Around 2:30am the phone screamed in it's cradle I grabbed the receiver and heard the sound of someone crying on the other end I couldn't make out who or what was being said. After a few minutes the caller gathered some composure, "Josh, this is Sandy," she began to cry. "Brad's gone."

I knew she could hear the fear in my voice, "what do you mean he's gone." I was sure he had left her.

"He's been killed in an automobile accident on the way home from work."

I dropped the phone, it took me a minute to pick it up I felt like I was in shock. At the same minute my mind went into gear, I reached down and picked up the receiver, "Sandy, I'll be there in the morning, do you have someone that can stay with you?"

She continued to cry, "yes."

"Good, call them and ask them to stay with you until I arrive." I replied. I hung up and called the airline making the next available flight. I called Mr. Eden and asked him to watch over the farm while I was out, I drove to the feed store and put a notice in the window closed due to death. As I was leaving the store, I looked around, I could feel Brad with me, I knew he'd never leave me. Within hours I arrived at the Airport in San Francisco, I caught a cab to Sandy's house. When I arrived she had a friend with her, the minute she saw me she began to cry again. I held her in my arms trying to comfort her, she looked in my eyes, "Brad loved you so much he was proud of you and all you've done for yourself in another week he would have been safe back on the farm."

I felt the beginning of tears in my eyes, "Sandy where is Brad?"

"The coroner's office called this morning and said the funeral home could pick him up, I don't know what to do."

I tried to smile at her, "I'll handle everything." I called several funeral homes in the area since I wasn't direct family they refused the business. Finally I was afforded a chance to explain I was a friend trying to make arrangements for my friend who had died, the man on the other end said he understood and would be glad to assist. Late that afternoon the funeral home called, Brad was already there and would be ready for viewing in the morning. I thanked them for everything and began to call his relatives, it didn't take long, he had been alienated from his family since Mary Ellen told his family he was queer and his death was like the last blow, even death couldn't stay their anger with him. In the morning, I drove Sandy over to the funeral home, she walked in with me and immediately went back outside, I followed her, "what is it?" I asked.

She looked at me, "I can't do this, he was a good friend but I can't." She walked away, that was the last time I ever saw her.

I went back inside and met with the funeral director, he led me to Brad, who was dressed in a dark blue suit, he looked at peace, I could feel the anger and love boiling inside of me. The director left me, closing the door behind him as he walked out. I put my hand on Brad's forehead, the room as cool as his skin. My hand glowed for only a moment, and I could hear him, "Josh, Josh," he called for me. I looked at the person I loved he was eternally asleep. I felt a sudden rush of wind and knew Brad was beside me. I sat in a chair on the front row and could feel him holding my hand. His energy flowed into my body like sunlight and I could hear him talking to me, "Josh please don't be sad, this wasn't planned. I was coming home to you in another week, I finally realized that what we had was enough, I love you and I know you love me, my life was happy because of you, thank you." And just as quickly he was gone. I walked over to the casket placed my hand on the side of his neck and stroked his hair I bent forward and kissed him gently on the lips and said goodbye. I stayed with Brad until the funeral began, a few people he had met at work arrived, everyone assumed I was his brother and expressed their sympathies. The minister was kind and quick and as soon as the last person left I followed the funeral director into another room. Gently they removed Brad's body from the casket and placed him in what looked like a simple cardboard box, as they went to place the lid I asked them for one more moment, both men understood.

I looked at him once again, "I love you." My fingertips brushed the side of his face, I stepped away, and they closed the lid on the box. I watched as the box was placed on a conveyor and rolled slowly toward the opening of the cremation chamber. The door opened, the box rolled in, the door closed, one of the men looked through a small window to ensure the fire was going, once checked the small view window was closed and the director escorted me back upstairs. I pulled my checkbook out and paid him in full, he shook my hand, reminding me I was still a very young man and would in time understand the reason for my loss. I walked back into the sunlight, went back to the apartment, Sandy had gone, she left me a note saying she was staying with friends for a couple of days. She had packed all of Brad's things. I called the airport and made a reservation for the next morning. The apartment felt alien I sat in a chair and stared at Brad's suitcase, I hadn't realized how much time had passed until I heard a knock at the door, I opened it and the funeral director stood their with a box in his hand and several pieces of paper. I ask him in, went to the table, and signed the forms and returned them to him, he handed me what I would need to transport Brad back to Texas.

We shook hands "Josh if you ever come this way again, let me know, my partner and I will show you around town."

I thanked him, I took the box in my hands, sat down, and then it hit me. Brad was dead, I loved him beyond words, and I held what remained in my hands, I cried until nothing remained in my body to be shed. With the first morning light I gathered my belongings together, placed the box with his ashes in my bag, and called a taxi. I arrived at the airport with an hour to spare, as I went through security I had to show my documents to transport Brad's ashes, Airport security was respectful and offered their sympathy. The flight went quickly, I carried Brad in my arms back to our farm. My truck started up immediately and I was home within two hours, the house was stuffy but it was home. I turned on the lights, looked around nothing had changed. I put my luggage away, carried Brad's things up to the bedroom but I couldn't go through them now. I fixed a quick bite to eat, grabbed a coke and sat in the den and held the box of ashes in my arms. "Brad you're home, not the way I would have wanted you to come back. You made my life so wonderful, the friendship and love you showed me was the first time I ever felt like I had a family. I know I told you how I felt when you were alive, I feel the same way now, always will." Tears spilled down my cheeks, I didn't wipe them away these tears were for someone that I loved they deserved to be shed to show him how important he was in life and in death. The first light of morning came through the windows, after I showered and had breakfast, I fed the animals and then called the Eden's to thank them for watching the farm they expressed their sympathy over Brad's death. Opening the feed store was the hardest part, when you love someone and lose that person you tend to see him everywhere in everything you both once did. Work was a relief, after being closed four days people were waiting for me to open that morning. I worked harder than I had before and I needed to be tired so I didn't think about my loss so much. Displays set and bays open farmers began buying seed and grain, each one asked about the death and each one was shocked to know it was Brad that had died, their sympathies were real, they had known him, watched him grow up and now mourned his death.

6pm came quickly, I closed up the store and headed home, and after a quick shower I sat on the bed dressed only in my boxers and opened Brad's belongings. The first item in the box was a shirt Brad loved to wear, his scent was on the shirt, now I knew how a mother felt when she held the clothing of her children to her face and knew the scent. Brad's watch, financial documents, his will and a letter addressed to me, already in an envelope, stamped and addressed like it had been meant to be sent. Gathering everything together and placing them in drawers, the letter remained on the bedside table. As I dressed I looked in the mirror, I looked tired and worn, at 25, I felt much older and very sad. The letter stayed beside my bed for more than a week before I had the strength to read the content, the letter was dated two days before Brad had been killed.

'Dear Josh: Guess what? I've finally grown up some and I'd like to know if I could come home to our farm. I'm sorry I had to put you through all of this, me going to California and everything, if I hadn't I believe I'd always have wondered, now I know. I need you in my life and I need to be close to you. Every time we talk on the phone I worry about you until we talk again. Sandy and I made a go of it, but I discovered something about myself, when I looked at her it was you in my heart and mind. I've told her how I feel about you, she's been very supportive and has helped me pack. I have to finish out the rest of the week here at work and I'll be home on Sunday. I've got something special for you. Remember I love you, I'll call you in a day or two, I'm too excited to call now otherwise you'll know ahead of time the surprise. Love you baby, Brad.'

The letter almost floored me, my whole body shook, there were no more tears left for me to cry. Brad would have been home and once again we would have been a family, if only I had been with him I might have saved him. He mentioned a surprise, I looked through his belongings once more and in the coat of his farm jacket I found the surprise. I opened the small box containing a simple gold band, folded inside the box was a piece of paper Brad had scribbled on.

'Josh I love you, you mean the world to me, and I'd like you to be my world for the rest of our lives. If you'll have me, I'd like to have the chance to make you happy.'

I held the ring in my hand turning it over and over in my fingers, slowly it was held in place on my finger, "yes Brad, I love you."

The morning was cold it was barely 4am and the stars twinkled in the cool air. Wearing gloves and a heavy jacket I lifted the box of ashes and walked into the fields, and opened the box and sprinkled some of his ashes on the upturned earth, "Brad fly free and never forget I love you." As I neared the swing and the pond, the remainder of his ashes were committed to the earth, looking up to the heavens, I cried out to God in anguish, "Why God, why Brad?" The exhaustion was the best tonic, my anger wasn't with God it was with myself, I was angry with the knowledge that at 25 I was alone and knowing Brad was gone made me afraid once again to survive this world.

Death doesn't stop you from loving someone and after almost seven months and another Birthday my love for Brad was the most important aspect of my life. Even in death Brad was my driving force, the reason I got up every morning and opened the feed store, the reason I was able to keep going. My body was telling me it was near exhaustion, no one had applied for the position as an assistant. Removing the sign from the window, I called the Veteran's Center and listed the job on the base for anyone that might be retiring. I offered to give them a temporary place to stay at my farm until they could get on their feet. Another two months passed before I finally got a call.

The voice on the other end of the receiver sounded angry, "This is Gunnery Sergeant Marvin, I'm retiring next month and I read your ad in the job center on base. I've got a couple of questions. First it says you'll offer temporary quarters?"

"Yes, that's correct, unless you've got a lot of family coming with you then you'll have to make other arrangements, this is only a three bedroom two bath farm." I replied.

"No sir, no family, just me. And what about the pay?" He kind of growled.

"Gunny, it ain't much, if you're looking to make a killing here you won't. It will be minimum wage at first and if things work out we can look at increasing your salary based on your abilities to sell seed."

He cleared his throat, "I don't like children, so I'll find another place to stay, but I'm interested in the job. One last question, are you a Veteran?"

I could hear a slight anger in my voice, "There aren't any children here, if you decide to stay here until you get on your feet you'll have to help me keep the place clean. I'm a Veteran, Purple Heart Vietnam, 100% disability."

The tone of his voice changed, "I'm sorry for sounding so rough but civilians sometimes screw you around."

I laughed, "Okay, I understand, how about this Saturday afternoon you drive down I'll show you around, and we'll see if we can work together?"

"Will do, see you Saturday."

I hadn't thought about Saturday until that morning. I pulled up to the feed store and a truck was already parked outside. I opened my door and walked toward the store, the other driver got out of his truck and called to me, "Josh?" I turned around, he jogged over and extended his hand, "Josh, I'm Kerry, sorry, Gunny Marvin."

I smiled he wasn't the Bull Dog I was expecting. He wasn't any taller than I was but he appeared muscular, short blonde hair and bright brown eyes, he had an easy smile and his voice had lost that initial meanness he had on the phone. I shook his hand, "You're early but I'm glad you're here, come on." The two of us opened the feed store he worked as hard as I did only faster. When the first customer came up he, introduced himself and began a conversation with the farmer, they shook hands before the farmer left. I was impressed, he was really likeable, the customers enjoyed his stories and he enjoyed listening to them, plus him being a Marine really impressed a lot of the customers. Before noon I drove over and picked up fast food, while I was gone Kerry watched the store. It was quiet when I returned, we sat behind the counter and ate, Kerry talked about his pending retirement. He was 36 would be 37 in another month right before his retirement date. He asked about me and I told him everything to a point. When 1pm hit we began closing up, I offered to pay him but he refused, "Josh do I have the job?"

I looked at him, "If you still want it, definitely."

He smiled, "So I can count on having a job and a place to stay in a month."

"I'll hold the job for you. I'll tell you what if you want you can follow me back to the farm and see where you'll be living, stay the night if you want. Can you cook?"

Kerry smiled, "I love cooking."

I laughed, "great we're going to be friends in no time."

Kerry followed me to the farm. We walked the fields, fed the animals together then headed to the house. Kerry picked which bedroom he wanted and got settled for the evening, I showered and went downstairs and got two beers, when he came downstairs, he smiled, "where's the kitchen." I showed him around downstairs and finally to the kitchen. I sat at the table and handed him what he asked for or showed him where things were. When everything was said and done we sat down to a basic meat and potatoes dinner that tasted wonderful. We talked and joked about work and the farm, he was just the company I needed to get out of the slump I'd been in. Early the next morning, Kerry was up and feeding the animals when I got to the barn, we finished together then walked back into the kitchen, where he had already fixed pancakes. We ate then carried our coffee onto the front porch he looked around. "The farm is beautiful and quiet. I hope you won't be getting married anytime soon and throwing me out."

I looked at him, "No not me. You can have friends in whenever you want just give me a heads up and I'll stay out of your way."

Kerry looked at me, "thanks." He spent the rest of the day working with me on small repair jobs that farms always seemed to need. He looked at his watch, "I'm going to get cleaned up and head back to base." I waved and he walked off toward the house, I kept at it until I was finished with the repairs on the barn, about an hour or so later, Kerry walks back out to the barn, all cleaned up again. "Josh, come on in dinners ready."

He walked back to the house, after the tools were put away I washed off out back then went through the back door in to the kitchen, the table was set, "Kerry dinner smells wonderful, thank you."

He smiled sheepishly, it was the first time in two days I'd seen him not hard acting, "you're welcome now lets sit down and eat." We were both tired so we took our time at the table, Kerry mentioned several things he'd like to get done, and I agreed it would make things easier if we could get all the repairs out of the way. "Josh, would you mind if I start bringing my belonging up next weekend, then I could help you with the feed store on Saturday and the repairs on Sunday."

My key ring held several keys, I pulled two of them off and handed them to Kerry, "here's a key to the house and one to the store." He took the key and put them in his pocket.

After dinner I went upstairs and took a shower, when I walked back down, Kerry had cleaned up the kitchen and was waiting for me, "listen I've got to leave, I'll see you again next weekend, and thanks for everything I'm looking forward to retiring now."

I had to smile at that, "well I'm looking forward to the help at the store and to having some company around here." We shook hands I walked out on the porch and waved as he drove off. Just having someone around for the two days made the house alive again, and I missed having someone to talk to. Friday, afternoon, Kerry showed up at the shop ready to work and had brought lunch with him. In between customers we ate and talked, he told me everything about him and I told him a lot about me, he was interested in my tour in Vietnam, it wasn't something I had shared with anyone but Brad. Each time his question went in that direction I changed the subject I knew he was aware I was doing just that and stopped asking. After the store closed he invited me to dinner, I told him about the diner in town, he drove us over.

We got a both in the back where it was quiet and we talked, I asked him about his family, "Josh ain't much to tell, I grew up in the Boy's Home, graduated from High School and joined the Marines' the next day, never had any family."

His forehead wrinkled just a little and I became curious, "you never married?"

"No, traveling around in the military doesn't make for a good family life. I couldn't see putting myself though that much less someone I loved." Nodding my head in agreement, I understood what he meant. "Okay, Josh, let's see you're 26, own your home, have a business, no family and you've never been married, why?"

I hated feeling like I was being put in a corner, "never met anyone I loved enough to get married."

The waitress interrupted his next question "Hey Josh, who is this you've got with you?"

"Nancy this is Kerry, he's a Marine over at the base, he works with me at the feed store." I replied.

She stopped taking our order, "we were all real sorry when Brad died we all know you two were real close."

I felt suddenly sick I took a deep breath and looked up at her, "thank you."

Kerry looked at me but didn't say a word, he continued ordering he looked over at me and then ordered for me too. When Nancy walked away he stood up, "you want to walk outside and get some air?"

"No I'll be all right." He sat back down and we found a subject and began talking ninety to nothing. After taking me back to the store to get my truck, we didn't get back to the farm until almost 10pm. We unloaded Kerry's belongings for the next hour then I walked out and bedded the animals. Around midnight I hit the bed, I was tired, I had just closed my eyes, when Kerry knocked on the door. I reached over and turned on the light not thinking about having no shirt on, I yelled, "come in."

Kerry walked in as I was standing up, he looked at my face and then he looked at my arm and the scars on my body, "Josh, I didn't know you'd been hurt that bad."

There wasn't any sympathy in his voice only concern, "doesn't matter Kerry not anymore."

"The reason I knocked was to ask about some towels for the bathroom."

"I can't believe I forgot them, here take these." I handed him three towels from the bathroom cupboard.

"Thanks Josh." He began to smile, "I'm sorry but you look like a 16 year old boy in those boxers."

We both started to laugh, "I like you too," I replied.

He walked out still laughing and closed the door behind him. Early the next morning after breakfast we opened the store, afternoon we closed the store and began working on the repairs around the farm. Kerry convinced me to repaint the house with his help, I agreed for the week after his retirement.

Sunday after dinner Kerry was set to leave, he had been acting like he wanted to ask me something, "Josh, do you think you could come to my retirement? I don't have anyone coming and I'd like it if you would since we've become friends."

"Thank you, I'm honored, I'll be there."

I arrived for Kerry's retirement early, and was given a tour then Kerry caught up with me. He was dressed in his blues, the minute I saw him I got a lump in my throat he looked like a poster boy. He escorted me to the guest section as the retirement began. As soon as the customary parts of the retirement were out of the way, Kerry stepped up to say a few words. He stood tall at the dais and talked for a few minutes. Finally, he looked at me, while talking to the Marines standing at parade rest and said, "If you can find something worth all your time and effort after you retire you'll be as happy as I am." I was glad he felt that way about the farm and his job. With a couple salutes and the piping of a boson's Whistle Kerry was now a retired Marine. He walked over to me, I shook his hand, he put his hand on my elbow and directed me to a buffet, I fixed a plate and found a place to sit Kerry sat next to me, his face a constant smile. After the luncheon I walked with him to personnel where he was issued a retired identification card, he changed clothes in the bathroom as I held his uniform, he stripped, I glanced at his body he was well built and healthy, I made sure he didn't see me looking. He dressed quickly into his regular clothes then put his uniform on hangars and we were on our way home as Kerry now called it. After unpacking his things he said he had something to show me.

I walked outside to his truck, he opened the passenger door and behind the seat were several gallons of paint, he smiled, "I hope you didn't think I'd forget."

I shook my head, "no I didn't think you would."

He broke up laughing.

Over the next several months we settled into a routine with home life and work, Kerry was as solitary a person as I was and we kept each other company. Saturday night we usually went in to town to the movies, it broke up the week and caused us to eat out. We were headed into a local restaurant when we heard tires squeal, everyone on the sidewalk stopped I heard a thud and then screaming. Kerry ran toward the car, I followed as quickly as possible. A crumpled bicycle lay in the street and still partially under the car was a young man in a business suit probably in his early twenties. A lady stood shining a flashlight at the ground as Kerry and several other men moved the car off the boy. I looked into his eyes a film of blood was already coloring the white part of the eye. His head poured blood on to the pavement as everyone waited for the ambulance to arrive the side of his head was badly damaged. I knelt down next to him and put my hand on his forehead, I felt a steady jolt run the entire outline of my body, my hand glowed, slowly the eyes cleared and the flow of blood almost stopped. The side of his head repaired itself before my eyes, the young boy looked up at me, putting his hand on my arm, "God Bless you." A smile crossed my lips and I moved away, Kerry looked at me, I could tell he knew I had done something but wasn't sure what, everyone else just figured he hadn't been hurt that badly. I told the boy to remain where he was until the hospital checked him out, I never opened my mouth to utter those words only thought them but he heard me.

Kerry walked over, "seems he's all right you ready for the dinner."

We walked away. Dinner was good and the movie was fun. On the way home I could feel something going on with Kerry, "what's wrong."

He looked over at me, "this is going to sound pretty stupid, but, when I saw that kid lying in the street tonight, it scared the heck out of me, I kept thinking what if it had been you, I know that sounds stupid."

"No it doesn't, I appreciate knowing you worry about me, I thought I was the only one that worried." I replied.

"You worry about me?"

"Sure do." In the dark of the truck cab I saw the smile on his face.

The farm was looking new with all the improvements we were doing, Kerry was an excellent carpenter and was just as good a teacher, I was learning a lot. We finished the last of our projects before the first snow, that night it was cold enough to ice up the ladder. Stupid me didn't pay any attention and when I went to collect the hammer I had left hanging on the shutter, I fell from the ladder. Kerry heard the commotion and ran outside he saw me lying on the ground and I swear I thought he was going to have a stroke. He ran over and picked me and carried me in the house, sitting me on the sofa in the den while he phoned the doctor. He carried me outside to his truck and then to the hospital, I had to tell him several times to slow down. After several hours and a couple x-rays the doctor confirmed the leg was broken and would have to be cast for five weeks. I hated the thought of being stuck in a cast. My blue jeans had been cut up the side to accommodate the cast once it was dry I was allowed to leave with a return appointment for three weeks. Kerry helped me in the truck and once back at the house he helped me into the den. He elevated my leg on the hassock while he fixed dinner. Over the next two weeks, I managed to get the flu in addition to the cast, I couldn't stand being in bed, but the real problem was I hated wearing Kerry out with having to do everything including the store everyday. I felt miserable and too worn out to do much and spent most days in the den. Kerry would come home, get cleaned up and them get dinner started, telling me everything that went on at the store as he cooked. I could see in his face he was exhausted, when I ask him about it, all he said was I'm a little tired but happy. After five weeks the cast came off, I didn't have the flu and was roaring to go back to work, Kerry listened to the doctor's orders and made sure I did everything I had been told. Actually Kerry and me were an odd sort, he'd give me hell for not doing exactly as the doctors said. I'd give him hell when he forgot to do what I told him, he'd work himself to death if I'd let him.

As Christmas neared I wondered what Kerry was going to do, the store would be closed for three weeks, and I figured he'd go somewhere to get away. I on the other hand had nowhere to go and decided to stay home. I didn't feel much like having a Christmas tree or presents. Brad died almost two years ago and he still lived in my heart. Kerry had lived here a little over a year, we were good company for each other, and thankfully we had become fast friends. I knew any day he would meet one of the young widows in the town and he'd move out, I didn't look forward to that day but I knew it would come. Several days before we closed up the store, Kerry tried to pin me down on my plans for the holidays.

I got so aggravated with him, "damn Kerry if you want to bring a date to the house, just tell me and I'll go somewhere for the holidays."

He shook his head "you can be a mean son-of-a-bitch when you want to. I thought we might do something together since neither of us has family but the mood you're in I'd rather be alone."

He looked at me and I looked at him with a screw you look. We avoided each other the rest of the day, by the end of the week we were getting on each other's nerves. Kerry announced his plans to go on vacation, he didn't say where, just said he'd be back after the holidays. I didn't listen to a word he said I expected it anyway. On Saturday we got the store closed up tight, I drove in to town to the diner to eat dinner, I didn't want to be around when Kerry left on his trip. My stomach hurt and I was miserable but I sat in the diner until it was almost an hour past the time Kerry was suppose to leave. He had packed the day before so he could get a good start after work, I bought him a couple of shirts, and a watch hiding them in his luggage while he was out in the barn the day before. As I pulled up to the house I saw Kerry's truck still sitting in the drive, I wanted to turn around but knew he'd see the lights of the truck. I parked and looked over in his truck as I got out, his bags must still be in the house.

The minute I walked in the house his voice boomed, "Josh we've got to talk, I can't go on vacation feeling miserable. If I've done something tell me, if this is your way of getting rid of me just ask me to leave I'll pack up and be on my way, but I'm not going anywhere until we've talked this out."

"All right." I yelled at him, "I hate the holidays, every year I get irritable, you just happen to be here this year, I'm sorry I made you miserable but now you know so you can head out."

Kerry looked at me, "you want to tell me what's really going on?"

I shook my head I hated having to be bad guy, "so now you're calling me a liar?"

"Okay, okay, I'm out of here I'll see you after the holidays, I'll call you and let you know where I am." He looked at me the walked out the front door pulling the door closed behind him.

I stared at the door willing it to open and him to come back but he didn't, I waited until I heard the truck pull off down the driveway. I turned off the lights and headed upstairs, I was miserable, my life was miserable. I stood under the cool water of the shower and tried every trick I knew to make myself feel worse but it wouldn't work, I wasn't going to be able to make myself cry so I'd feel better. The water turned ice cold from me staying in the shower too long, I turned the handle off and dried my body. I heard the phone ring and ran into the bedroom, "hello?"

"Josh, can I come home? I don't have anyplace to go, I'll stay out of your way." Kerry's voice was deep and soft at the same time.

"Kerry I'm sorry for being an ass, come on home, we'll make each other miserable, stop and get some beer." I felt better already. Within the hour Kerry was upstairs changing, I put in a movie on the Beta and popped the top on two beers, right before the movie started he planted himself on the other end of the couch. I handed him a beer, we watched about 30 minutes of the movie before we paused it. Kerry got us more beers and I got us some popcorn, back on the couch we continued watching the movie. By the end of the movie we were both pretty lit, neither of us was a big beer drinker. We pushed another movie in and before it was half way over we were drunk, I scooted near Kerry and he moved the rest of the way, we were talking about how bad our lives had been and so on. We were pretty pitiful somewhere along the way we began playing grab ass with each other and eventually one thing led to another. Kerry pushed me back on the couch, laying on top of me and kissed me. I didn't push him away I pulled him to me looking in his eyes, my fingers strayed in his hair, I felt him shudder as he ground his hips into me, I moaned as I kissed him and felt myself lose control. We remained holding each other his fingers smoothing the side of my head. I continued to look in his eyes and he looked in mine. Neither of us wanted this moment to end, I knew with Kerry it was the alcohol and in the morning it would be forgotten. I rolled on my side and his body moved next to me facing me, I stroked his face, and slowly unbuttoned his shirt, his chest was smooth and warm he watched me. The belt slipped from his pants easily, I unzipped his pants and felt the wetness, I looked at him, got up went to the bathroom and came back with a wet wash cloth and cleaned him up. He easily became excited by my touch and I wanted very much to make love to him but I knew alcohol would always be the blame Kerry was my friend. I put the washcloth on the table and zipped his pants back, lying back beside him. He smiled at me, then placed his hand on my forehead and pushed my hair out of my eyes, looking at me. He moved over me slowly and kissed my lips, removed my pants and wiped away all traces of our passion, he looked up at me as though he was asking permission to go further, I put my hand out to him and pulled him back beside me. He put his arm out and gently pulled my head into the crook of his arm, his other arm pulled me to him. He kissed the top of my head over and over, I wanted this night to last forever but we fell asleep.

Kerry woke me late in the morning, my head still resting on his arm, I looked up in his eyes, I saw sadness cloud his eyes, "I'm sorry, I had too much to drink."

Trying to stem our guilt I smiled at him, "you don't have anything to feel guilty about." I put my hand on the back of his neck and pulled his lips to mine he didn't resist, I kissed him, then jumped up quickly and went upstairs into the shower as fast as I could.

I heard him come into the bathroom, "Josh can I come in?"

I laughed, "Are you going to be looking like Sad Sack?"

"No," he replied.

We bathed at the same time taking great care not to touch each other. I stepped out of the shower first and dried off, he followed a minute later. I threw a towel to him, he rolled it up and pretended to try and pop me, I ran from him, I almost got away but he caught me as I missed my footing and landed on the bed, he was on me in a second. He had the towel around his waist, his legs gently pinned my arms I could have gotten away if I had wanted to. He smiled down at me, both his hands pushing my hair off my forehead, like when you have a crew cut, "I'm not drunk now." He bent forward and lovingly kissed me, I looked in his eyes I could almost feel the tears building inside of him as he kissed me. He got off of me sitting with his back against the headboard. I moved up and lay my back against his chest. His chin rested on top of my head, his hands absently moved over my side and chest exploring the many scars.

"Josh, I'm going to talk for a few minutes, I want you to listen until I'm finished and then you can say or ask anything and I'll answer you." I nodded my head. He took a deep breath and kissed the top of my head. "Josh, I swear to you that I didn't come here to put you through this. The first time I met you I felt so comfortable, I wanted us to be friends. I know I'm almost 9 years older than you and I know I'll never be as handsome as you, but I do know one important thing, if you give me a chance, maybe we can build something together. I swear to you if you don't want me to touch you again I won't, just don't ask me to leave, you're my friend and I need to be around you, nothing more I promise."

I pulled his arms around my neck and held them in front of me, I kissed each forearm, "Kerry, promise me one thing and only one."

He held me closer kissing my neck, "anything."

"When we fall in love with each other you have to promise to never leave me, not ever, where you go I go always."

I felt his head nodding, "I promise."

I turned around and looked at him, "you are the warmest, most caring and handsomest man I've ever met, never doubt how important you are in my life, never."

He moved forward and I lay my head against his chest, he continued to run his fingers through my hair and then smooth it back over and over, he kept repeating, "you're my baby, I'm going to take care of you I swear."

I still felt drunk from the night before and the warmth of his body and the knowledge I was in love with him made me comfortable, I fell asleep in his arms once again. We both slept for another couple of hours before getting up and feeding the animals, finally we had lunch.

Kerry kept rushing me to eat faster, "hurry up." I gulped down the last bite as Kerry almost pulled me from my chair in the kitchen to the front seat of his truck as we drove into town for a Christmas tree. On the drive over, he put his hand on my leg and looked at me over and over, he was happy, but I didn't think anyone could be as happy as I felt. We spent an hour picking out a Christmas tree and another hour picking out ornaments and lights. Kerry pulled into the Winn-Dixie and bought everything for Christmas dinner enough for 10 and there were only two of us. We got home and put the groceries away and began putting up and decorating our tree and the house for Christmas, when we were finished we sat on the couch just inches from each other and admired our handiwork. Kerry still had more surprises, he ran up to his room and returned with the packages I had put in his luggage, he looked at me with a smile as he put them under the tree and a couple of other packages. We fed the animals and got them bedded down early the temperatures were suppose to be brutal tonight, tomorrow was Christmas Eve. Kerry filled his thermos with fresh coffee, then put it and a couple of mugs in his backpack, he grabbed a cover and a sleeping bag and we went outside on the porch swing together. The light of day was almost gone and the air already cold. We snuggled in the sleeping bag together Kerry poured us a mug of coffee with just a bit of Drambuie in it. Kerry's hand was on the side of my head and he gently pulled me to him and kissed my forehead, "Josh, you're wonderful, I care about you so damn much it hurts inside." Hearing those words from him brought to the surface all the pain I had held in since Brad had died, I fell apart, I was in the arms of someone that cared for me in every conceivable way, and I loved him. I put my coffee on the railing and buried my face in his chest and cried. He was so gentle, I could feel my tears tearing him apart, "what is it Josh?"

"Kerry I'm happy. I've only wanted a chance to be loved. When I was shot in Vietnam, while I lay in the mud, I felt my life slipping away and I was scared to die without ever having experienced love. Kerry, Brad loved me as a friend and I loved him, but he died. Kerry I want to be able to take care of you and make you happy, I don't want you to ever be sorry we found each other."

I felt tears falling from Kerry's cheeks, "Josh you can't imagine how happy I am. Everything I've ever needed and wanted you've given me in just these two short days."

I moved over and pulled Kerry's head to my chest, I kissed the back of his neck and ran my hands through his hair, the softness made me yearn for him. "I love you Kerry." It took a while for the two of us to settle down but we did, Kerry refreshed our coffee and we sat holding each other looking up into the night sky watching the stars shine a little brighter just for us.