Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
-
If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
-
I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them.
That said, we now continue.
As Joey and I walked back down the hall, me with my shoulders down and Joey looking back and forth between me and the bedroom, I heard Justin close the door behind him. I winced, wishing I could be there for him, but I didn't want to get involved with his family business until he wanted me to be. I'd come to his defense, and his mother had drawn a very obvious line about where I belonged and where I didn't. Justin, for all of his talking about wanting to be independent and being his own person, not letting her run his life, managed to stay on the other side of that line, too, at least in this regard. Both times he'd talked to his mother on the phone he had gotten as far from me as he could, reaching out for me after, but never during, and now he was closing this door in between us.
"Hey," Joey said, resting a hand on my shoulder. "It's not you. It's just the way it is with them."
"I didn't say anything," I said, but that didn't mean Joey couldn't look at my face and tell what I was thinking. "I'm just worried about him. Every time he talks to her, he just gets so upset."
"Like I said, though," Joey said, shrugging, "that's the way it is with them. Justin's mother has always been here, right along with what he's doing, looking over his shoulder. Probably the only reason he actually got with JC was that he refused to let her share a room with him."
Now this was interesting. I'd gotten the impression in the kitchen last night that Joey, while loyal, would share information, too, and now here he was opening the topic. I noticed that when he was around Justin, there was no mention of JC, either out of respect for Justin's feelings or the pretense of respect for mine. On the other hand, both times I'd been alone with Joey, he'd started trotting out intimate information about his bandmates. Was he sharing because he was laying some kind of trap for me, giving me information that would somehow get me in trouble, or was he genuinely in favor of wanting to give Justin and I a chance, and doing his best to level the playing field? Whatever his reasons, they might be worth pursuing either way if he really did have something to share.
"Justin said that she was always asking him if JC was doing things to him," I said, remembering what he'd told me. "She was always asking him if JC was leading him on in some way."
"That's because she always knew," Britney said from the foyer. Both of us jumped in surprise. What the hell was the bodyguard here for if people just kept getting into the house?
"I thought you left," Joey said.
"I can't just leave like this," Britney said, shrugging. "I told my manager that I'd be a little late. I just, you know, I wanted to make sure y'all are ok before I go. So, are you?"
I looked at her, wondering how much she'd heard of what Joey and I were just saying. It seemed pretty clear that she'd heard all of it, but she took my pause for confusion.
"Are you ok, I mean?" she asked.
"I'm fine," I answered. I looked back down the hallway, feeling like I was abandoning him. Wait, he was with his mother, not some kind of monster. He was safe, right? "I'm worried about him."
"We all are," Britney said, frowning.
"Maybe we should go to the kitchen," Joey said, nodding in that direction. "There isn't really anything we can do out here."
The three of us walked into the kitchen with the same trudge you might see at a funeral. Oblivious to the bright sunshine streaming in the windows, our mood was more of a dark thunderstorm, a little jumpy but mostly just gray and damp. I wanted to believe that Lynn meant well, but I couldn't be sure if she had Justin's needs in mind, or her own. The two weren't necessarily the same, and I had to wonder what she was saying to him in there, what she was doing to him. I didn't think she would hurt him outright, but if just talking to her on the phone upset him as much as it had, how could he deal with her in person and angry?
"She tried to pin it on me, once," Britney said quietly, taking a small plate down out of the cabinets. "Joey, can I smoke?"
"Put it out if Kelly or Bri comes back in," Joey said, switching on the ceiling fan as Britney pulled a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of her tiny purse. I was stunned. The wholesome (yet somehow slightly slutty) virgin smoked, too? "Chris? Drink?"
"Sure, thanks," I answered, watching Britney light up. "What do you mean she tried to pin it on you?"
"I never heard this," Joey added, setting a can of soda and a glass in front of me. He pulled a can for himself out of the refrigerator, too, and reached for another glass. "Justin never mentioned that at all."
"Justin doesn't know about it," Britney said, taking a slow drag. She was kind enough to blow her smoke upward, away from us. "I didn't want to cause more trouble between him and Lynn. It was during that week right after he told her, when she wouldn't talk to him."
"What happened?" I asked, figuring that it might help to know how the woman operated. Joey sat down, too, waiting.
"Nothing really dramatic," Britney said, tapping her ash into the plate. "I mean, Justin had told me about him and JC already. We talked about it for a while, after they got together."
"Not before?" I asked, curious. Joey and Britney both looked at me, Britney knowing what I meant, but Joey looking a little uncertain. "A lot of gay guys, when they're trying to figure it out, talk about it with their close friends. How they're feeling, what it means, stuff like that. Justin and April talked about that a lot, I guess. It's kind of how they became friends."
"I never thought about that, I guess," Joey said, shrugging.
"Probably because you never needed to talk to anyone about being straight," Britney said, but it was without sting. "It's different for gays. You never talked to JC or Justin about this stuff?"
"Not really," Joey said, shrugging. "I mean, JC's just always been gay the whole time I've known him. With the way Lance is, we don't usually talk about it as a group, and when he's not around, like if it's just me and JC, we talk about him and Justin. I don't think we've ever just talked about being gay, and Justin and I haven't either. It's just, you know, the way JC is, and then when they told us they were a couple, that was just the way it was."
"I guess I can see that," I said, shrugging. If they'd been my friends, I would have been curious, but maybe that was because I was gay. "What do you mean by 'the way Lance is'? I mean, I could see that he's uncomfortable around me, but I wasn't sure if that was because I'm a stranger, or if it's because he thinks I'm a threat, or if it's because of the gay thing."
"It's probably all of it," Britney said, taking another drag. She leaned back and blew a smoke ring toward the ceiling fan. It broke up quickly, but we both smiled at it.
"Look, Chris, Lance is my friend, probably my best friend," Joey said, sighing. "Some of it is what you said, I'm sure, about the stranger thing and maybe you being a threat to the band. I already told you that I'm kind of uncertain about that, too, but I think you're a little off on the gay thing and Lance."
"Joey, I heard you guys out on the patio at Chris's," I said, feeling a little guilty for not admitting it until now. "I was looking for the bathroom, and I didn't hear it all, but I heard what Lance said about Justin bringing one of 'those people' around."
Britney's face twisted angrily, and Joey swallowed as she turned to him, but I continued before she could unload on him.
"I also heard you tell him that wasn't appropriate," I said quickly. "That's really the only reason why I thought it would be ok for Justin and I to stay here. You were nice to us, and you sounded like you understood. I can't say that for Lance, though, especially not after the kind of stuff I heard him say."
"He's not like you're thinking, though," Joey said. "It's not so cut and dried, like he's just flat out this big homophobe or something. Once he gets to know you, he'll warm up to you. He'll still think that, you know, the way you live is wrong, but he considers JC and Justin his friends, just the same. He just tries to ignore that part of them."
"I don't think I want to be friends with someone who does that," I said, and Joey looked at me in surprise. "Sorry. That's part of who I am, and I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't accept me. Besides, I didn't get the impression that Lance was all that interested in being my friend. I believe his words were that he'd be polite, but that was it?"
"Yeah, that's what he said," Joey agreed, frowning.
I wasn't going to argue the point with Joey over whether or not Lance was homophobic or not. I'm sure he was a nice guy, and probably had all these positive qualities about him. It was great to hear that he treated Justin and JC just like real friends, and that maybe someday he would treat me that way, too, but I didn't want to be treated that way. I didn't want to be close to someone who had to make an effort to convince himself that I wasn't too evil and hellbound. Joey said it would be different once I got to know him, but I didn't want to get to know him, and if that meant I was judging him just as much as he judged me, so be it.
"I guess that's just how things between Lance and I are going to be, then," I said, shrugging. I turned back to Britney, hoping we could just dismiss Lance for now. "So what happened with you and Lynn?"
"Oh, drama," Britney said, rolling her eyes. "She called me in the middle of the night and started screaming at the top of her lungs. Wanted to know if I knew about this, and how long, and why didn't I tell her. I thought, you know, I'd tell her the truth, but that didn't calm her down at all. She just kept screaming and yelling, and I finally hung up on her."
"You hung up on Justin's mom?" Joey asked, eyes wide.
"Yeah, but it didn't help," Britney said, shrugging.
"It usually doesn't," I pointed out.
"She called back like five minutes later," Britney said, smiling. "I guess it took her that long to calm down enough to remember how to dial the phone, or something. She was still pissed, though, and she tried to blame the whole thing on me."
"Justin and JC?" I asked. "It's not like you introduced them. They already knew each other."
"No, Justin being gay," Britney answered. "She was totally flipping out, and wanted to know why I didn't try harder to get him. I mean, Justin and I were sort of dating, but it was always a best friends kind of thing. Lots of hand holding, but we hardly ever even kissed on the mouth. I mean, I thought she knew that, but she was just going on and on about how confused he must be, and how he just needed to date more girls, and since I was his girlfriend why wasn't I helping him with that?"
"How were you supposed to help him?" Joey asked, and I nodded in agreement. "I mean, he's gay. That's it. I always thought you guys were a little giggly and puppy lovey, but I kind of thought it was because you guys were so young, but it made a little more sense after, you know, we found out about Justin and JC."
"Wait," I said, glancing down the hallway. All clear. "She didn't want you to."
"Yeah," Britney answered, grinning, but still rolling her eyes. "She did."
"Did what?" Joey asked.
"Asked me to sleep with Justin," Britney answered. "Not just asked. She ordered me, told me to go over there right now and fuck him."
"Now there's a mom for you," I said, giggling. Most mothers didn't ever want their babies to grow up and have sex, and here was Lynn on the phone begging his girlfriend to go screw him. It was kind of funny, a little bit unbelievable, but after everything else I'd heard about her, it kind of made sense. She'd do anything to keep Justin on the path she'd laid out for him.
"No shit!" Britney giggled. "For years she was like, 'You can do better than her, she's only in this for herself, she just wants to use you,' and then all of a sudden it was like, 'Hi, could you go fuck my son?' I almost dropped the phone!"
The three of us were laughing, because the way she said it was really funny, but it was also kind of sad, and I felt bad for Justin suddenly. I knew why Britney didn't tell him this, why she'd kept it a secret. Hearing this wouldn't do anything to help him. Every child looks for love and acceptance from their parents, and it's even harder for someone who's gay. Justin didn't need to hear this, didn't need to know that not only did his mother not accept him, she tried to break him and JC up almost immediately. She'd been willing to befriend someone she hadn't liked, up until that moment, if it meant making him into something he wasn't.
"I don't think we should tell him," I said, and the two of them stopped giggling. "It won't help anything."
"I know," Britney sighed, looking down at her hands as she tapped the cigarette ash again. "That's why I haven't. I told her not to call me about it again, and to just leave me the hell alone. There was a lot more yelling, but that's what it boiled down to. I also told her to just talk to Justin more, and to try to understand where he was coming from, but she wasn't really interested in listening. You saw the way she looked at me just know. She really, really doesn't like me."
"But it wasn't your fault," Joey said, shaking his head. "She can't really have thought that sleeping with him would change him."
"Like I said before," Britney said, shaking her head, "I think she always knew. I think, deep down, Lynn always knew Justin was gay."
"But we didn't even know!" Joey said.
"Joey," Britney said, narrowing her eyes. "You really had no clue? He was all into clothes, and singing, and dancing all the time? His best friend in the whole world was a gay guy, and they were practically joined at the hip? He used to spend three hours a day on his hair, for God's sake."
"I guess I always knew that, but, you know, I thought that was just Justin," Joey said, shrugging. "I mean, yeah, he was a little off, but we all kind of are. Everybody in music is, kind of, especially five guys who live together and do what we do. I'm sure to people outside we seem a little bit, um."
"Faggy?" I suggested.
"Yeah," Joey agreed, nodding. "We probably all seem a little faggy, and I chalked it up to Justin being Justin. Chris is a little hyper, I'm a little sleazy, Lance is kind of prissy, JC's kind of shy, and Justin's kind of faggy. I just thought that was the way he was, especially since you two were dating. Maybe Lynn thought that, too."
"It's different if you're a mother," Britney said, shaking her head. "You know your own kids, even if you don't want to admit it. I think Lynn always knew, in the back of her mind, and just didn't want to face it. And then Justin took that choice out of her hands, and they've been fighting about it ever since."
"She'll never give up," Joey said, shaking his head.
"She's a mother," Britney repeated. "She just wants what's best for him. I mean, that doesn't excuse what she does, but you can kind of understand where she's coming from. She just wants him to be happy."
"He'd be happy if she could treat him like she wasn't ashamed of him," I said, firmly. "He'd be happy if she could accept who he is without browbeating him all the time."
"She does it because she loves him," Joey said, frowning.
"She needs to love him for who he is," I said, shaking my head. None of us said anything because, right there, was the whole problem.
Britney looked at her watch, and then glanced anxiously toward the hallway.
"Damn," she sighed, shaking her head. "I was hoping that they would be done soon, but I have to get going. I really can't put that meeting off any later, not without getting yelled at."
"He'll understand," Joey said. "He knows how it is, and they may not be done for hours."
"They usually talk for a while?" I asked. The phone calls had been kind of lengthy, but I assumed that was because they were separated.
"Not exactly," Britney said. "First there's the preamble, where Lynn lectures for a little while on everything he's doing wrong, how hard they've worked, and how much he's endangering it."
"Then there's the part where Justin cries," Joey said, shaking his head as we stood.
"Then they get to talk again," Britney sighed. "She'll listen for a little while, but she only does after she sees that she's gotten to him. She's such a bitch."
"Two minutes ago you were telling us it was because she was a mother and just wanted the best for him," I said, frowning. "Now she's a bitch?"
"Nothing says the two of them have to be separate," Britney said, grinding out her cigarette on the little plate. Joey picked the plate up.
"I'll clean this up before Kelly comes in and finds it," he said, smiling. He gave Britney a quick hug while she kissed him on the cheek. "Take care, kid."
"Talk to you soon," she said. She knocked on the glass and gave Kelly a wave. Kelly waved back from the pool.
"I'll walk you out," I said, needing something else to do.
"Thank you," she said brightly, linking her hand through mine. We walked through the house, nodding to the bodyguard when we went by, and then out to her Porsche in the driveway. "It was really nice finally meeting you."
"Thanks," I said, leaning over as she kissed me on the cheek. "Thanks for, you know, talking with me, and for being so honest."
"I'm always honest with friends," she said, shrugging. "Can you tell Justin I'll call him later?"
"Sure," I answered. "He needs a friend like you."
"He needs you, too," Britney said, holding the top of my arm. "I think you should go in there, Chris. Joey didn't want to say it, but I will. When Justin's mother upsets him, JC goes and pulls him out for a little while. JC calms him down, and blots up the tears, and helps Justin feel better again."
"Britney, I'm not JC," I said. "I'm not Justin's substitute boyfriend. You can't just plug me in wherever he used to be."
"I know," she said, "and I didn't mean it like that. You know Justin pretty well, and you know he needs to have someone hold him. He gets strength from people he loves, and right now, with her in there with him, he needs you."
"I don't know if it's my place," I began, not wanting to get in the way of their relationship. Britney looked at me with pursed lips.
"You know where your place is," she said. "If he loves you, and you love him, you belong in there with him. He can't do any of this alone. He needs you to be there for him."
She was right. I gave her another hug, and she squeezed tightly back.
"I'll call later," she said, opening the door.
"I'll let Justin know," I said.
I watched as she pulled out of the driveway, and waved. She waved back, a quick flash, and then she was peeling out down the street, driving too fast for a nice neighborhood but too slowly for that nice a car. I walked back into the house and rejoined Joey in the kitchen. Kelly was standing in the doorway, holding a towel swaddled Brianna.
"Hey Chris," she smiled, handing Bri to Joey and blotting at her own wet hair with a towel. "Joey, can you take her so I can go get cleaned up?"
"Sure," Joey answered, swinging Bri around. She squealed with delight while Kelly frowned, and Joey, catching the look, stopped immediately, cuddling her against his chest.
"Dry her off and put her down for a nap, ok?" Kelly asked, leaning in for a quick peck. I looked away, feeling oddly out of place in their little family scene. "Chris?"
"Sorry," I said, thinking she wanted me to leave. "Don't mind me."
"No, no," Kelly said, shaking her head. "I was just wondering what you and Justin were doing for dinner. Are you guys eating here, or going out?"
"I'm not sure," I answered as Joey breezed past me with Brianna. "I'll ask him when he gets done talking to his mom."
"OK," she answered, still toweling her hair. "I'm going to go shower up, and then we'll figure out what's going on later, ok?"
"Sure," I answered, watching her go. It left me all alone on the kitchen, where I didn't want to be. I didn't really want to be down the hall, either, but Britney was right. If Justin needed me, it was my place to be there.
I could hear their loud voices before I opened the door, and I paused for a second with my hand on the doorknob.
"Stop it," Justin pleaded. "I don't want to listen to this. You don't know what you're talking about, mama, so please, just leave it alone."
"Justin, baby, you're not listening to me," she said sharply. "If you just look, you'll see that I'm right! You'll see that he's."
"No!" Justin said sharply. "I won't listen to you! I don't want to see that! You don't know what you're talking about!"
I felt my heart wrench at the tone of his voice, at the sound of him close to his breaking point, close to tears. That was all I needed to hear, and I tapped firmly at the door.
"Who is it?" Lynn barked, her tone biting.
"It's me," I answered, opening the door.
Lynn was sitting on the bed, with her shoulder bag next to her and papers spread all around her, and Justin was standing near the door, his face red. He wiped under his eyes quickly, as if he didn't want me to notice that his own mother, as Joey and Britney had predicted, had driven him to tears with her haranguing. I ignored her completely, and looked at him.
"Chris," he said quietly, his face lighting up. He looked surprised, but also happy, and I knew that Britney was right. He needed me.
"I didn't mean to interrupt," I began quietly, trying to keep the anger I felt toward Lynn out of my voice.
"Well, you are!" she snapped, standing. The papers on her lap fell to the floor, but I continued to ignore her, keeping my eyes fixed on Justin's.
"I just wanted to make sure you were ok," I said quietly to him, staying in the doorway. Justin crossed over to me, looking a little uncomfortable, but he still also looked happy to see me. "Do you need me?"
"I'm ok," he whispered, leaning in. He brushed the side of my face with his, almost nuzzling, and his mouth was right up by my ear. "But thank you for coming to check on me."
"No problem," I whispered, my hand on his shoulder.
"You can go now," Lynn said, pointing at the door. "I'm talking to my son, and you're not welcome here."
I turned, meaning to tell her to shut the fuck up, and that I would leave when Justin asked me to, but then I noticed the papers on the floor, lying all around her feet. One of them, half obscured by another sheet, was a picture of me.
"What the hell?" I said, pushing past Justin. Lynn stepped back, and I reached down and snatched up the picture of myself. I gasped in surprise to see that it was a color printout of a newspaper article, and was a picture of Matt and I in front of the store, from the day we'd opened it. I turned to Lynn, my hand crumpling into a fist, the paper trapped between my closing fingers. "What is this?"
"Chris, wait," Justin began, reaching for me as Lynn sneered. I pulled away from him and grabbed a stack of the papers on the bed. "Chris, don't."
"What the fuck?" I asked, my voice cold. This was a file on me! There were pictures of the store, and the loft. I saw photocopies of newspaper articles about the store from various papers, writeups of the people who had done readings or signings, and I let them fall to the floor as I flipped through. "You had me investigated?"
Lynn didn't answer, standing with her hands on her hips. Justin tried to take my arm again.
"Chris, please don't," he said again, but I just kept flipping through them, getting more and more annoyed, and I pulled away from him.
"You had someone investigate me?" I demanded, and Lynn finally nodded as I saw a photocopy of my college yearbook, seeing my stupid cap and gown picture. How far back had they gone? Was I about to see a report card in here? "You had no right to do this!"
"I had every right!" she said sharply. "I have a right to know who's messing with my baby!"
"You have no right to just pry into my life!" I snapped back, throwing papers everywhere. "This is my life! This is."
My voice locked up, and my hand froze. Matt smiled up at me, a photocopied, grainy black and white Matt, smiling up at me from his obituary. I looked at Lynn, my jaw working soundlessly, and she smiled in satisfaction.
"You should yell at Justin, too," she said, her voice icy. "He knew about it."
I turned, and Justin wouldn't meet my eyes, staring down at his shoes.
"Justin?" I asked, my hand shaking as I dropped the page. He lifted his head, and his eyes were filled with tears. His voice was only a whisper.
"I'm sorry."
To be continued.