Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them.
That said, we now continue.
There are a lot of restaurants downtown by the aquarium, but Justin wasn't sure what he wanted to eat, and I didn't want to rush him. I suggested the Legal Sea Food Company, which was right there, but he didn't want more seafood after his chowder last night. Closer to the market, there were more places, but they kept being strikeouts. Too many people at that one. Not in the mood for Chinese. The oldest restaurant in Boston, was, God forbid, more boring history. I felt myself about to lecture him on the ignorance of young people regarding the past and their sense of place in the world, and then realized it wasn't my job to, and it wasn't why he was here. Justin wanted to talk, and I wanted to listen, but I had a feeling that he was doing the same thing now that he had earlier. Taking this long to find a place to eat was another redirect.
"Justin, we're running out of places," I said, shrugging. "We can head out to a different part of town, or, if you want, we don't have to eat now. We don't have to talk now, if you changed your mind, either."
He looked up in surprise, his face almost comically so, and I squeezed his shoulder quickly.
"Justin, talking was your idea," I said, shrugging. "If you're having second thoughts, or you want to wait and talk to April instead, or whatever moment you were having is gone, that's fine. We can do something else, or we can go do nothing. Whatever you want, Justin."
"I'm sorry," he said, glancing down. He looked up at me again, his blue eyes seeking my green ones, but I wasn't sure what he was looking for. Once I knew, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to provide it. For now, though, all he wanted was to talk, maybe. "I just, it's not always easy for me to open up to people, not even my friends, and, well, I don't even know if we are friends. We get along, and I like spending time with you, but, I don't know. This is just hard, ok?"
"Justin, that's fine," I said, considering how much this was like what I'd been thinking about yesterday. "If we're just friendly acquaintances, that's fine with me, Justin. I was just trying to get you out to have a little fun. If you want to be friends, I'm ok with that, too, but I'm not going to push you if you don't want to be pushed. I meant what I said. Everything else is up to you."
I didn't think I'd said anything profound, but apparently it was exactly what Justin needed to hear. His eyes lit up, and he took my arm.
"It is all up to me," he said, smiling. "This time, it really is. Come on, let's go eat."
Justin pulled me into the nearest restaurant, not bothering to look what kind it was, and asked for a table for two in the back. I didn't really think it was necessary, since the place was small, and there weren't many tourists out in the middle of the week, anyway. There was a little bit of a lunch crowd, but we were still seated immediately, and after the waitress took our drink orders and left us with the menus I waited to see what he would say. Justin's entire demeanor had changed from what it had been at the aquarium. He was lighter now, more vibrant, more like himself again, as if he was pulling himself out of his funk. The menus were one sheet, typed paper, and a little plain, but I was willing to bet the food would be good. Even if it wasn't, chicken was safe as long as it wasn't pink, or at least I was hoping.
"This is nice, isn't it?" Justin asked, looking around. I looked at him a little mirthfully, curious, and he laughed. "OK, I don't mean the restaurant, although, you know, it's not bad. I meant being in a place like this. Being out in public, just deciding to walk in somewhere and doing it, not having anyone with you, you know, a bodyguard or anything, not having to be somewhere. And it's really nice to be here with someone I like."
The way he said that, the way his eyes lit up, left me feeling a little uneasy, but I wasn't sure why. I liked Justin, and I thought I'd like to be his friend. Something else was there, though, and I didn't like the way that felt.
"I guess it's ok," I said, shrugging. "I do this all the time."
"I know," Justin said. "I don't, though. That's kind of the point. I don't get to do stuff like this. I don't get to just call up a friend and get on a plane, and I don't get to walk around in a city in the middle of broad daylight without somebody following me, or somebody checking on me. I don't get to do any of this, and I forgot how nice it is to do that, to just do what I want."
"No one knows you're here, do they?" I asked. "That's why April couldn't tell you she was leaving. You called her, and then you got on a plane."
"You got me," Justin said, smiling. "My mom doesn't know where I am, management doesn't know where I am, and the rest of the guys don't know, either. Right now, Justin Timberlake is missing in action."
"Wait," I said, shaking my head. "I haven't seen anything about it. I read the paper at the front counter of the store every morning, even the entertainment section, and I haven't seen a word about you being missing."
"You won't," he said, shaking his head. "How much do you know about us, really? About Nsync?"
"I know you're doing well," I said. "We have a magazine rack, after all."
"We're on top right now," Justin said, not bragging. "We're at the top of our game. I know people talk about the Backstreet Boys, but there's only room for one at the top, and Popodyssey just blew their tour out of the water. We have magazine pieces coming up, I have that Cosmo cover, sort of, and we have other stuff, too. The Michael Jackson thing, and we have a concert that'll be on right after Thanksgiving. Right now, at least as far as pop music goes, we're number one, and I'm number one in our group. It's all about the five of us, but if you ask people who the lead is, or who they know, it's me. I wrote most of the album, so I have most of the leads, and I'm the one people want to see."
"It's good that there's no ego on you," I said, smirking a little. Justin giggled, and shook his head.
"I wasn't trying to be like that, like, hey, I'm Justin, and I'm the best," he said. "I was just trying to give you a sense of where we are, and where I am, right now. I'm the number one boy in the number one band, and if no one knows where I am, they're not going to just put out the word on the news, you know? They keep leaving messages on my phone, but nobody knows where I am."
"Justin, your company must have resources at their disposal," I said. "They'll be able to find you. I mean, they can hire private detectives or something. They'll get your name off the passenger list on the plane."
"Not unless they're looking for J.R. Harless," he said. I was about to ask, but he held up a hand, smiling. "Justin Randall. The Harless is my mom's married name. I know it's not really creative, but since they check so carefully to get on planes now, I needed something that was already on some of my ID. I don't usually use Harless for anything, but I do have a card with it, for times like this. It'll only slow them down, but for now, I'm ok."
"So, I guess now that I know how you did it, why?" I asked. "What are you hiding from?"
"I, that's a hard question," he said. "Some of it is that I just need a break. I needed to get away. To be inside that, the way we live, with everyone looking, it's hard sometimes, and you need a break. You need time to collect yourself, to be somewhere else. We just finished a tour, and that's really hard, too. People think you're just riding around singing and dancing, but it's harder than that. You don't get enough sleep, you lose weight, and you're on the go all the time. There's the rehearsals, and you have to keep your energy up, because everyone has to get the same show, and it has to be the best, even if you're tired, or something's going on with you. We're kind of used to it, but we've been doing this for almost seven years. It wears you down after a while."
"I didn't realize it was so much work," I said, shrugging.
"It is work," Justin said, but then he smiled again. "I love it, and there isn't anything I'd rather be doing, but like I said, it's not easy."
"Since you just finished a tour, and all the other stuff you guys have been doing since it ended, I could see how you could use a little time off," I said, chewing thoughtfully.
"But you still have a question," Justin observed.
"I didn't know if I should ask questions," I said, shrugging. "If you want to talk to me, I thought maybe I was just supposed to let you talk."
"I asked you questions last night," Justin said, shrugging. We were both ignoring the fact that I had asked one question already, and he hadn't completely answered it. "If you want to ask, you can."
"Isn't your family going to worry about you?" I asked. "I mean, maybe they're used to you not being around, but I'd be worried if you didn't call."
"I did," he said, shaking his head.
"You told me they didn't know where you were," I said, confused. Justin was looking at me with his head cocked again, and I realized it was a gesture I was starting to get used to.
"They don't," he said simply. "But I called my momma. I mean, you didn't think I'd just run away and not tell her I was safe. I talked to her at the airport, and told her I needed to get away for a little while. She, well, she knows what's going on, so she said ok."
I sighed, looking at my hands. We were talking, but we weren't really communicating. I was no more aware of what was wrong now then I had been yesterday. I felt like we were connecting, but something was missing.
"Justin, you still haven't answered the basic question," I said. "I asked what you were doing here, and you've sort of explained, but I feel like we're dancing and I don't know the steps. What is going on, Justin? I want to help, if I can, or even just listen, if that's what you need, and you say it's ok if I ask questions, but you're not giving me any answers."
Justin looked down, frowning, and sighed as well. When he looked up, I could see that he was upset, but there was something else, too. Justin was struggling. For all of his fame, and everything else, something was hurting him, and that bothered me. Despite what I'd thought at first, he was a nice guy, and I didn't want to see him hurt. As I'd said to him, I wanted to help. I wanted to make him feel better. For the first time, I realized that I actually wanted to be Justin's friend. I wanted him to look at me and care, because I found that I cared about him, and I was a little worried about him. Whatever he was dealing with was almost too much for him.
"I told you before, and I told April," he said quietly. "I'm having some problems right now. I, there was someone."
He wiped at his eyes suddenly, and I handed him a napkin. He blotted quickly, and smiled at me, pushing whatever he was thinking away.
"Justin, is it Britney?" I asked. "Is something happening with the two of you?"
"Did April call you back?" he asked suddenly, redirecting again. Bam! Those walls of his. "Have you heard from her?"
"No, I haven't, and I'm a little worried about her," I answered, frowning. "It's not like her to not return a call, especially not from me. I might call her mother later."
"Maybe we should," Justin said, nodding.
"She's not the only one I'm worried about," I said, reaching across the table to pat his hand. "I'm sorry Britney's making you feel like this."
"She's not," Justin said, shaking his head, and I blinked. He squeezed my hand for a second, and then folded his hands in front of him on the table. "That's not the problem at all."
"I'm sorry," I said, blushing. "I feel like a dick. I just thought."
"You had the right thought," Justin said, shaking his head, and he smiled a little to let me know it was ok. "You just have the wrong person. Britney isn't my girlfriend."
"But the papers," I said, my hands fluttering in confusion. "I read about it in magazines all the time, Justin. If she's not your girlfriend, you've got everyone fooled."
"That's it exactly," he said, grinning like a child. "I love Brit to death. She was my first kiss, and she's always been there for me. She's my best friend, but she's not my girlfriend. I don't have one."
"I'm so confused," I said, shaking my head.
"Maybe it's because your gaydar is so messed up," Justin said quietly. When I looked up he was smirking again, and I wanted to throw my napkin at him. "I told you, I don't have a girlfriend."
"Wait a minute," I said loudly, and then sheepishly covered my mouth, blushing again, as I realized how loud I'd just been. "Justin, I've seen you and Britney on TV. You two obviously care about each other."
"I told you, she's my best friend," Justin said, shrugging. "You made the same assumption that everyone does. Because Britney and I spend so much time together, and like each other so much, it just kind of started going around that she and I were together. Her publicist and my publicist thought it was a great idea, and all of a sudden, before you knew it, me and Britney were a couple."
"Why did you let it happen, though?" I asked. "If you're not with her, why are you lying?"
"The only thing we're lying about is that we're dating, and she and I have actually never said that," he said, shrugging. "Everything else we say is true. I love her, she loves me, and we care about each other very much. We're, um, we're not virgins, or at least I'm not, but it's definitely true that she and I haven't had sex."
"Then who?" I asked. "I mean, are you seeing anyone now?"
Maybe he was lonely. It had to be hard, being in the spotlight all the time, having everyone think you were straight and dating this pop princess. He'd already talked about what it was like to be on tour, to be in the public eye, and I tried to imagine hiding that you were gay on top of that. No wonder he looked so strained.
"We broke up," Justin said finally, looking down again. "We, I, I broke up with him three days ago, for good this time."
"I'm sorry, Justin," I said, sighing. Even though it was apparently Justin's idea to break them up, it was obvious that he wasn't happy about it. "Have you heard from him?"
"He calls my phone every day to say he's sorry," Justin said, covering his eyes for a second. I thought he might be wiping them. "He, sometimes he sings, into my voicemail, and I want to call him back, but I know I can't. I kicked him out of the house, told him to leave, and he stayed away, but I just had to get out. I couldn't stay there, with our stuff, with the pictures."
"He sings to you," I said, thoughtfully. "Is it someone in your group? Is that why you didn't want anyone to know where you were?"
"Yes," Justin said, almost whispering. He looked heartbroken, staring down at the remnants of his lunch. I didn't know what to say, really, and I just waited for him to collect himself. The waitress walked by, dropping off refills on our drinks, and finally Justin looked up at me. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm ruining lunch, huh?"
"No more than I ruined dinner last night," I answered, shrugging. "Justin, I can see that whatever happened hurt you, and you said it was you who broke up with him. Was it the best thing for you? Honestly?"
"I think it was," Justin answered. "But I'm not sure. I wanted to get away from everything, from him and our friends and everything else, to clear my head a little, and I wanted to talk to April."
"Why her?" I asked. "I mean, why not Britney, or your family? Not that April's not a great person and all, but I didn't realize you guys were this close. I knew you were friends, but I really didn't have any idea the two of you talked to each other about this kind of stuff."
"Well, I wanted to talk to April because she was the one who helped me with it the last time this happened," Justin explained.
"The last time you broke up with someone?" I asked. Justin shook his head.
"Not just someone," he answered. "April helped me the last time I broke up with him. I wondered how she was so understanding, how she seemed to know exactly how I felt, but I guess it was because of you and Matthew."
"Justin, he and I didn't break up," I said, feeling a little resentful. He chose to leave his boyfriend. The person he loved wasn't taken away from him, leaving him alone. It wasn't the same thing at all. Justin quickly grabbed my hand, and I realized that my tone must have carried a little bit of my sudden hurt.
"No, I didn't mean about that," Justin said, squeezing my hand again. His thumb brushed over the back, rubbing across the top of my knuckles. I wondered briefly if he held his boyfriend's hand that way, too. "I meant about the rest, about the being gay part. He and I had a rough spot last year, while April was working with us, and she kind of walked in on me when I was upset. She brought me some tissues, and we started talking, and she helped me a lot. We talked all the time, and she helped me come to better terms with, you know, with being who I was."
That sounded like a completely April thing to do, and I realized that she had been able to help Justin so well because of Matt after all. After I lost him, I was lost as well. There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed, when I didn't want to do anything except lay there and cry and think about what I'd lost, and April had come over every day. Sometimes she just sat with me, sometimes she brought Michelle upstairs to talk about the store, and sometimes she talked as much as I did. Michelle and I shared our grief with each other, shared the sense of loss and the giant Matthew sized hole inside both of us, and through it all she got a lot of practice at dealing with people who were upset, crying, and heartbroken. Apparently she'd used that newfound skill to help Justin as well.
"Justin, didn't you know who you were already?" I asked. "I mean, if you had a boyfriend, you must have had at least some idea that you were gay."
"Kind of," Justin said, shrugging. "It's kind of complicated. I mean, I knew I loved him, but I hadn't really told my family, or our friends, or the other guys in the band. I wasn't sure if it was right, and I thought maybe the reason he and I had so many problems was that we weren't supposed to be together at all. April listened to me, and she helped me understand that whatever problems we were having weren't because what we were doing was wrong. She helped me understand that it was ok to love whoever I wanted to, and because she did that, it helped me be with him on my own terms."
"What do you mean?" I asked. I'd noticed that Justin talked a lot about things being up to him and things being his choice, and I guessed that he was resentful of people making choices for him. Maybe it had happened to him a lot, and he was fighting to grow up. If he was, I thought he was doing a damn good job.
"My relationship with him is kind of complicated," Justin began. My eyebrows went up as I debated asking which one it was, and Justin caught it. "I'm sorry. My boyfriend is, um, was JC. Do you know who he is?"
"The one with the beard thingy?" I asked, pointing at my chin. "The skinny one?"
"Yeah," Justin answered, smiling a little. "I haven't been using his name because it bothers me, kind of, but I didn't want you to sit here and wonder which one it was. You were going to ask, weren't you?"
I nodded, and he smiled, and then continued. It registered in the back of my mind that he was still holding my hand, but we both seemed comfortable, so I let it stay.
"I met JC a long time ago, when we were both a lot younger," Justin said. "We were on the Mickey Mouse Club, with Britney and Christina and Tony and some other people that you probably don't know. JC was older than me, and he'd been on for a while. I was new, and it was the first time I'd ever done anything like that. The first day I was kind of nervous, and he saw it, and talked to me about it. He told me he was shy, too, and that he'd been really scared, and I didn't believe it. I was like this little kid, and he was this big teenager, and at the time that seemed so old to me, like he was almost an adult, and I couldn't believe he even noticed me, much less stopped to talk to me."
"So you guys became friends," I said, nodding, but Justin shook his head.
"Not at first," Justin continued. "Like I said, he'd been there for a while, and he already had friends of his own. I was kind of starstruck, though. I didn't realize it at the time, because I just wanted to be his friend, but I think JC was my first crush, and I had it bad. I followed him around everywhere, and eventually he started letting me sit with him and hang out with him and his friends. At first they kind of treated me like their mascot, like a little brother or something, but then JC started to really like me. He started to ask me to do stuff, rather than waiting until I showed up, and we hung out all the time. And then the show was over, and we went our separate ways. We still talked on the phone, and I sent him letters, and he wrote back, but it was always like one letter from him for every three or four from me. He liked me, but he had his own life, too, and I was still kind of a kid. When Chris called me, though, and signed me up, he asked if I knew anyone, and JC was the first one who came to mind."
Justin paused, letting go of my hand to wave the waitress over, and ordered us both a piece of pie. I was amused that he didn't ask me, but I was hungry. He smiled at me, looking a little more relaxed as he thought of the good parts of his past. I knew how that could be.
"After we had the group set, when Lance joined, we moved into a house, and JC sat us all down and told us he was gay," Justin said. "He wanted us to know while there was still time to kick him out, but it was kind of obvious even then that he was going to be one of the leads. The guys talked about it, and in the end they said it was ok, but they set out some rules, and he agreed to them. JC was allowed to date, as long as it was secret, and he had to appear in public with female friends if we were bringing dates to something. Right after we decided that, we left for Europe, and that was kind of it."
"What about you?" I asked. "How do you tie into that?"
"Well, that's not so complicated," Justin said, spreading his hands. "I was never really sure how I felt, so I just didn't date anyone. People wrote it off to me being young, and that was ok. JC, though, he met someone while we were in Europe, and they started a relationship that was, um, it wasn't good for him."
"He was abusive?" I asked. It would be terrible to watch a friend go through that.
"Not exactly," Justin answered. "The guy JC was dating was bi, not gay, and he had a lot of issues about it. A lot of shame, and anger at himself, and some of the way he felt bled over onto JC. The stuff we do is pretty stressful as it is, like I told you, so that didn't help at all. Eventually JC broke it off with him, and while he was getting over it, I comforted him, because I was his best friend. I was eighteen, then, and he was finally starting to see me as an adult, but he still didn't see me as an equal. There was always that little bit of me as the little brother between us, and there kind of still is. JC and I started seeing each other, and then we waited a while before we told the other guys and our families."
"How did that go?" I asked.
"Not bad, but not as well as it could have," Justin said, sighing. I knew that coming out to your family could be a little rough if they didn't take it well, and here Justin was with two families, plus the guys in the band, who were like another family. "The guys kind of suspected, and they put JC and I under the same rules. They, um, they also didn't want us to be too demonstrative when we were around them, either. They're ok with it as a concept, and they're ok with us, but they're not always ok with it being right in front of them, so we try to respect that. JC's family already knew about him, and they were kind of glad it was me, since he and I were so close. My family, though, they didn't know that I was gay, since it never came up before, and they didn't take it so well. They've kind of come around, but my mom is still a little standoffish."
"But you guys stayed together through it?" I asked, and Justin nodded. "And then you were having problems when you met April?"
"Yeah," Justin said. "JC and I, well, he loves me, and if that was enough, I'd still be with him, but love only carries you so far, you know? JC loves me, but he doesn't treat me as an equal, and sometimes he's jealous of me, too. He doesn't say it, but I can tell, and sometimes when I'm mad at him, I overshadow him on purpose. Don't look at me like that. It's not our only problem. He cheats on me. Not often, and he tells me about it afterward, tells me he's sorry, but he cheats on me, and that hurts. I was really insecure in the beginning, and April helped me with that. I was worried about who I was, and I was worried that since I'd never been with a guy before that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't right for him. Every time he cheats on me, I feel like I'm not good enough, and this last time he, well, he slept with his old boyfriend. I'm tired of it, so I broke up with him."
"And you came here," I added, thinking that it was all tied up.
"Because I had to," Justin said. "I had to get away. When JC and I fight, the other guys, they try to fix it. They either tell us to fix it, or they start getting into it, too. They've been calling me as much as he has, except that there are three of them. One of the things they worried about when we told them we were together is that it would upset the chemistry of the group, and they were right. When JC and I don't get along, the group doesn't work right. The music doesn't flow, the dancing doesn't click, and Nsync doesn't happen. Right now, it's not happening, because I can't take the way he treats me anymore. It's not good for me, and I can't listen to them, so I had to get away. I can't stay at my house, because it's our house. I can't stay with my mom because when JC and I fight, she just says that it shows that she's right, that the whole thing is a mistake. When I go back to him, she doesn't say anything, but I can't listen to what she'll say right now, either. I can't go to my dad's, because he just doesn't understand. He still loves me, but he doesn't get it, and I can't go to Britney, because she's JC's friend, too. I'm here because I have nowhere else to go, and then I got here, and April isn't even here."
By the time Justin got to the end of this, his face flushed, and his eyes were watering again. He pushed his chair away from the table, shaking his head, not meeting my eyes, and I reached out, putting a hand on his arm.
"Justin, I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I'm sorry about all of that, and I'm sorry April isn't here to meet you. I'm sorry you have nowhere to go, but you can stay here as long as you need to, as long as you have to, ok?"
He looked up at me, his eyes glistening, but somehow he managed a smile.
"That's what the hotel told me, too," he said, still smiling.
"That's not what I meant," I said, shaking my head.
"I know," he said, patting my hand where it sat on his shoulder. I felt the firm muscle beneath my fingers shift a little. "I was trying to lighten the moment."
"It's ok, Justin," I said, removing my hand, suddenly feeling a little unsettled. "I meant what I said, though. I'm sorry April isn't here."
"I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you," he said, pulling out his wallet. I reached for mine as well, and he shook his head, so I figured he could pay, and chalk it up to a therapy bill.
"Justin, you obviously needed to talk, and get this out," I said. "I'm glad I was here to listen, and I hope it helped a little."
Justin thought about this for a second, and then he smiled again, wider this time. It lit up his whole face.
"I think it did," he said. "I think it did help some. And Chris?"
"Yeah?" I asked, wondering what else he needed.
"I'm glad you were here to be my friend."
To be continued.