Chapter 8
Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep
I've always been especially sensitive to repetitive noises. They annoy me in a way that very few things do. The first thing I remember thinking is how much I wanted that damn noise to stop.
Beep Beep Beep
I had to make it stop. But that meant I had to wake up.
Beep Beep Beep
Oh, but I didn't want to wake up. It was so nice just floating in this darkness; not having to deal with life's problems.
Beep Beep Beep
But the infernal beeping wouldn't stop. I tried to open my eyes. No really, I did; but I couldn't seem to lift my lids.
Beep Beep Beep
I tried to move my hand, thinking I could find the source without the effort of opening my eyes, but they wouldn't move either.
Beep Beep Beep
I tried to speak but even that proved to take more effort that I could seem to pull together.
Beep Beep Beep
I couldn't stand it. Putting forth an extreme effort I parted my lips and forced the words past them.
"Make it stop," I rasped.
"Will? Will?" I heard a voice; I think it was Aidan.
"Is he awake?" Another voice, this one sounding suspiciously like my mother.
"I think he said something," said the first voice.
"What did he say?"
"I don't know, I couldn't understand him. Will! Will, can you hear me?"
I mustered up some more energy, I felt I was fast depleting my meager supplies, and said again, "Make it stop."
"Oh my God! He's awake!" Aidan screamed.
"Nurse! Nurse! He's awake!" Mom yelled. She continued yelling this as her voice faded away.
The beeping was still there so I tried again, but this time I decided to be a little more specific, "Make the beeping stop."
"Oh my God! Will, we've been so scared!" Aidan babbled on as if I hadn't just asked, quite reasonably I thought, that he turn off the beeping. "You're in the hospital," which explained the beeping, "and you've been in a coma. You broke your arm and banged up your head pretty bad, but they said it's a miracle you're even alive. I'm so glad you're awake. You were in the coma for two weeks. They were even starting to talk about what to do if you didn't wake up."
I seriously considered sinking back into the beaconing darkness at this point, but that incredibly irritating beeping was still droning on in the background of Aidan's relieved prattle. I decided to try one last time, "Please make it stop."
"Make what stop? The pain?"
"The beeping."
"Beeping? What...oh, the heart monitor. I can't. It's what lets us know you're alive."
"I wanted to die."
"I...I know. But it wasn't your time. You've still got so much living to do."
I would have retched right about then but it was all I could do to talk; and while the effect would have been quite dramatic I didn't think it was worth the effort. I heard my mother's voice coming closer again. She was talking to someone whose voice I didn't recognize.
"I'd really like to have a look at him before I can say, Mrs. Keegan. Let me talk to him then we'll see," he was saying. His voice stopped above me. "Will? I'm Dr. Cherrix. I'm your doctor. Can you hear me?"
"Yes. Can you make the beeping stop?"
"Yes, but right now we have more important things to tend to. We'll get to that in a minute, but only if you can stay with me long enough to answer some questions." Ah, nothing like blackmail while you are lying half dead in a hospital bed. "Can you open your eyes?"
"No."
"Can you try for me?"
"No."
"If you play by my rules I'll make the beeping stop."
He was playing dirty but what choice did I have really? I tried to open my eyes again, but my lids felt like lead weights. Suddenly the beeping seemed to grow louder, giving me the extra push that I needed. I managed to get my eyes open a tiny bit, but the light was so bright they immediately snapped shut again. I wondered if the effort would count for anything.
"That was good, Will. Now try again." Apparently not.
I sighed. Or I would have if I wasn't busy fighting a battle of wills with my leaden eyelids. I finally forced them open again and after much blinking and adjusting to the bright light, somehow managed to keep them open this time. As the dancing spots slowly faded I saw Aidan, Mom and a man I assumed to be Dr. Cherrix hovering over my bed. All were wearing concerned, earnest expressions. Dr. Cherrix looked as if this was his usual expression.
"Hi," I said.
They all broke into smiles.
"Hello! Welcome back to the land of the living," Dr. Cherrix said, "Now that I've got your attention I want you to try a few more things for me. Can you tell me your full name?"
"William Spencer Keegan."
"Good! Do you know what month it is?"
"Is it the same month that is was when I jumped?"
"No, you were unconscious for two weeks."
"Then I guess it must be November."
"Great! How many fingers am I holding up?"
I was starting to feel like a trained monkey. "Three."
"And now?"
"Still three."
"And now?"
"One."
"Fantastic!" He made some notes on a clipboard.
"Do I get a banana now?"
He looked up with confusion, "Hmm? A banana?"
"Never mind, can you just make the beeping stop."
"I'll make you a deal. You don't go back to that secret place in your mind again and I'll make the beeping stop. Do we have a deal?"
Anything to make the beeping stop, "Deal."
"Good answer," he said and punched some buttons on one of the several machines that appeared to have sprouted from my body while I was asleep. At last, the beeping stopped.
"Thank you," I said sincerely.
"You're welcome."
"Did you make the beeping louder before I opened my eyes?"
"I sure did," he grinned, "We do what we have to do to get the job done. I figured if that beeping was enough to pull you out of your coma we were going to milk it for all it was worth. Apparently it worked. It may be a little early to say, there are some more tests I'd like to do, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there appears to be no permanent damage from your failed attempt at flying."
When no one even made an attempt to laugh at his weak stab at humor he hurried on, "Well, I'll give you a chance to talk to these people here. They haven't left your side since you came in, you know."
He turned to Mom and Aidan. "Don't keep him up too long, though. I know he just woke up, but rest is still a high priority. I'll send the person we spoke about down to check on him later."
"Send who down?" I asked as he left. He either didn't hear me or pretended not to, so I asked again, this time directing the question to Mom and Aidan. They looked at each other for a moment and then Mom answered.
"Will, do you know why you are in here?"
"I jumped off the fire escape." She seemed taken aback by my matter-of-fact tone, so I elaborated, "I wanted to die."
"Well...um...that's what we need to talk about. Not right now of course, but sometime soon. They won't release you until they do a psychiatric evaluation. Not that you would be leaving today anyway. And when you do leave you'll be coming home with us of course."
"No."
"What?"
"I'll go back home with Aidan."
"What?" they both said.
I closed my eyes. "I want to go back to the apartment."
"Are you sure that would be for the best, Will?" Aidan asked as Mom said, "I don't think that's such a good idea."
I opened my eyes again even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I looked at Aidan, "Do you want me to come back?" It was a loaded question and we both knew it. How much Mom knew or guessed I don't know.
"If you want to come back, of course it's ok with me," he said quietly.
"Then I'm going home with Aidan," I said with as much finality as I could muster. "I'm really tired now." And I was. I felt like I had just completed a cross-country marathon.
Mom looked upset, as if she wanted to say more, but she just patted the hand on my arm that wasn't broken and said, "Ok, Will, you get some rest. We'll talk more when you wake up."
That, of course, was exactly what I was afraid of. Just before my eyes slammed shut I saw her shoot Aidan a look that clearly said, "We need to talk."
When I woke up next, the sun was slanting low across the floor with a warm glow that told me it was late afternoon. The overhead lights were out and Aidan sat slumped over in the room's one chair, asleep. Mom was nowhere to be seen.
I lay there watching Aidan sleep. It occurred to me how much he had given up for me, first to stay home with me while I was depressed and then sitting here in the hospital waiting for me to wake up. I knew without any doubt that he loved me. And I knew that logically, I should love him too. He was everything anyone in their right mind would want in a guy; loyal, kind, honest, loving, patient, forgiving, persistent, and funny to boot! But then, people in their right mind didn't jump off fire escapes, did they? And I did love him; I just couldn't shake my feelings for Joey. My mind couldn't accept this new Joey. I had to see it with my own eyes.
Aidan stirred and his eyes flickered open. "You're awake," he said.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," I said, but my voice came out in a raspy croak so it lost some of its zing in the process. Aidan grinned.
"A bit grouchy aren't we?"
"In the past month I found out I was gay, I lost my best friend, my dad disowned me, I lost my job, and I can't even kill myself properly. I think I have a right to be grouchy." That little snit took a lot out of me, leaving me almost gasping.
"Ok, granted you've had a rough time. So get over it." I blinked in surprise. Where were the sickeningly sweet and equally empty platitudes I was so used to? He went on, he seemed to be building up steam, "It's time to stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself. So what if you're gay? So are 10% of the population and you don't see them jumping off fire escapes! They're throwing parades for God's sake! And so what if your best friend dumped you? If he can't accept you for who you are, what kind of friend was he to begin with? And so what if you lost your job? You already have a great job at Avant Guard - which is still waiting for you by the way. And so what if your dad says you aren't welcome in his home anymore? You are welcome in mine and that's where you live so that's all that matters. You'd think I'd count for something." His chest was heaving as he slumped back in his chair.
I sat in stunned silence for several minutes while Aidan pulled himself back together. Then he stood up, "I was supposed to let them know when you woke up." He started for the door, then paused.
"You know, I've been beating myself up for the past two weeks, blaming myself for your attempted suicide. Everyone kept telling me it wasn't my fault, but I wouldn't believe them...until just now. Now I see that it was your own selfishness that made you jump."
"Hello, Will," I opened my eyes reluctantly to see Dr. Wohler, "How are you feeling?"
I eyed him warily, "Physically or emotionally?"
"Let's start with physically."
"My arm hurts and my head is killing me."
"You're very fortunate that's all that's hurting. That wasn't a very smart thing to do."
"I know."
"Do you? Will, you have let yourself become controlled by your circumstances. These things that are happening to you that seem so incredibly overwhelming are here today and gone tomorrow, to be replaced by new problems. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's an old cliché, I know, but it's still around because it's so true. Life isn't like a computer game where you say 'oops, I didn't really mean to do that' and click undo. There are no extra men. You're life is a precious gift and you almost threw that away. It was spared this time, but who knows what might happen next time? I don't believe that things happen randomly. By all accounts, you should be dead and yet here you are."
"Aidan said I was selfish."
"And what do you think?"
"I think...maybe he was right."
"Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. You are thinking only about what you want. You want the pain to stop. You want to escape. You don't want to face your problems anymore. It's the people left behind that have to deal with the repercussions of your selfishness."
"I never thought of it like that," I said softly.
"Of course not. You were too busy thinking about yourself. You know, the doctors told me that Aidan hasn't left this room except to eat and shower. They were worried about him. Worried he was going to collapse. I'd say that's some friend. I suspect that there might even be some feelings there that go beyond simple friendship. Have you thought about that?"
I nodded.
"You broke a promise you made to Aidan. You promised you wouldn't hurt yourself without talking to him first. That's a pretty big breach of trust."
You don't even know the half of it, I thought as I remembered the argument that precipitated my jump.
"Will," he went on, "I'm going to switch your medication to something a little stronger. I'm going to check on you when they say you are physically ready to go home and I'll probably make a recommendation that they release you. But I really want to encourage you to come see me again as soon as you are ready. There are a lot of issues that you haven't even begun to deal with. Will you do that?'
I nodded again.
"I'm going to trust you on that. For now, just concentrate on getting better. Get some rest." He patted my leg and then left me alone with my thoughts.
I had betrayed Aidan twice over and yet he was still willing to sit by my side. I owed him so much...and yet Joey still had first place in my heart. I had to find out if everything was lost with Joey or if there was any hope of salvaging at least our friendship. I had to talk to Joey.
When I woke up again, Mom was in the chair that had last held Aidan. It was completely dark outside. Mom woke up as soon as I stirred, if she'd really been asleep at all. She stood up and moved to my side quickly.
"How are you?" she asked.
"I'm ok. Does Dad know you're here?"
"Yes."
"What does he say?"
"It doesn't matter what he says. You're hurt and I'm here, that's all that matters."
"I'll be ok."
"I don't approve of the way your father has just cut you off."
I smiled at her; I knew this was her way of apologizing. "But you don't dare go against his wishes, huh?"
"I'm here aren't I?" She was right, that said a lot. I nodded.
We talked about my art, about my new job at the gallery, how I liked the apartment and about Nikki but we carefully avoided mentioning that I was gay. Still it was nice. After a while I began to get drowsy from the pain medicine; so Mom told me to go back to sleep.
As she stood up to leave she said, "I spent a lot of time with Aidan these last two weeks." I wasn't sure what to say so I said nothing. After a minute she gave me a small smile, "He's a nice boy, Will." She patted my hand and left, leaving me wondering if that meant what I thought it did.
I spent the next few days in the hospital undergoing ever test imaginable before they finally pronounced me fit to go home. The highlight was when I got a visit from a well-meaning but ignorant pastor that Dad sent over to try and talk me into turning my back on my sinful ways. If I would only repent, he insisted, I would be freed from my unnatural desires. Uh huh. Unnatural for who? They seemed plenty natural to me. Dad himself never showed up although Mom made several more visits.
The final damage report said that besides my broken arm and quite a bit of nasty bruising that was already beginning to fade you would never know I had done a belly flop from three stories. I was still quite stiff but they assured me that would go away as I moved around more. I had a fiberglass cast on my left arm that was a whole heck of a lot lighter than the plaster one I'd had when I broke my arm as a kid.
Aidan drove me home and helped me inside. When he opened the door to our apartment a loud roar greeted us, "Welcome home!"
The apartment seemed to be full of people. I suppose there really weren't that many people, it just seemed like more because they were all crowded into out small entryway. I saw Laura and Gabe, Nikki and Sam, Asher and Killian, even Derrick, although he didn't seem especially thrilled to be there. I was most surprised to see Mom. Dad was once again nowhere in sight. Everyone stayed for cake and ice cream. Someone had thought themselves quite clever I'm sure in ordering a cake with a dive-bombing icing plane on top of it. No one stayed too late though, since I still tired quickly. Everyone signed my cast on the way out.
As soon as they were gone Aidan gave me a pain pill then helped me down the hall and into bed. When he started out of the room I called him back.
"Aidan," I began awkwardly, "I'm really sorry...about...about everything. I'm sorry I came to you like that before I was ready. I'm sorry I broke my promise to you. I'm sorry I was so selfish. But most of all I'm sorry I hurt you."
He stood for a moment then quietly said, "You're forgiven, Will," then turned to leave.
"Forgiven but not forgotten?" I asked.
He paused but didn't turn around, "No, not forgotten." And he was gone.
As I feel asleep with the aid of the pain pill I wondered if the damage I had done to our friendship was going to prove more permanent than the damage I had done to my body.