Hiyaz! Here's chapter 7. Sorry for the long wait, but a lot has been going on. The first chapter of my new story "Voices of the Wind" has been posted on my website and a lot of other things have been updated on there as well, so if you haven't checked it out in awhile, drop by. Also if you would like to be on my mailing list you will need to go to the website and sign up again because i have a new list now (unless you are already on the new one, in which case don't worry, be happy :o). If the url below doesn't work for you, then email me and i'll send you another one. I also have a new email address, so make sure you send it to that, not Rysh. Thanks! - Josh
www.familyshoebox.com/family/BleedingHearts
Aterovis@hotmail.com
Chapter 7
Aidan's car pulled to a stop in an area clearly marked no parking in front of one of the less prominent buildings on his campus. The squat brick building had been decorated in the Federal style like all the other buildings on campus but it was obviously an afterthought and not part of the original layout.
Aidan jumped out of the car and came around and opened my door. "Come on," he said.
"Why are we here?" I protested weakly.
"Follow me," was all he said. I climbed out and followed through the front door and down a short hall to a door marked with the name Dr. E. H. Wohler in simple gold lettering. We entered a room so small that if you sat on the provided sofa your knees almost touched the wall in front of you. It looked like they had commandeered a supply closet for their waiting room. A pleasant looking, slightly plump middle-aged woman sat at a desk behind a half-wall that served as a counter. She looked up as we entered.
"I'm Aidan Scott," Aidan said, "I called Dr. Wohler earlier, he's expecting us."
"Yes, go right in." she said. She had a pleasant voice to match her pleasant look.
I balked slightly at that point, but Aidan took me gently but firmly by the arm and pulled me along. When we stepped into the office it actually took me by surprise, even in the shape I was in. The difference between the sad, cramped lobby and this large but cozy room were like night and day. The harsh florescent lighting had been replaced with warm incandescent lamps. Thick oriental rugs had covered up the industrial grade carpet and instead of a worn institutional couch there were two inviting armchairs facing a large wooden desk. A man was standing behind the desk waiting expectantly for us. He was short, not much taller than me, with a receding hairline and glasses. He was wearing a tailored gray suit that spoke his success as clearly as if he'd hung a sign around his neck that read, "I'm rich."
"Hello, Aidan, it's good to see you," the man (I presumed him to be Dr. Wohler) said, "And you must be Will?"
I looked uncertainly at Aidan. What exactly had he told him? Aidan and the doctor shook hands.
"Thanks for seeing us on such short notice, Doc," Aidan said as he gently pushed me into one the two chairs. He sat down in the other and the doctor settled into his plush executive chair.
"No problem, I always try to make time for my most promising student, and besides I just happened to have a cancellation on my schedule," he said the last with a small smile that showed he was kidding. "I just hope I can be of assistance. You said on the phone that it was an emergency?'
I turned a glare on Aidan but he didn't even glace in my direction. "Dr. Wohler, can we have you complete confidentiality about what we are going to say?"
For a moment the doctor looked somewhat insulted, then he looked at me and an unspoken message seemed to pass between him and Aidan. He nodded, "Of course, as you know, any information that should come out while we are talking is held in complete confidence."
Aidan turned to me now. "Can I tell Dr. Wohler what's going on?" I thought for a moment, then nodded my consent. He quickly and succinctly outlined the events leading up to my depression and my attempted suicide that morning. When he had finished Dr. Wohler sat for a minute tapping his chin with one index finger, his expression unreadable. Then he pulled a legal pad out of a desk drawer and asked me a few questions. He scribbled on the pad the whole time while I talked. A mental picture of him drawing nudie pictures while I rattled on popped into my head, almost making me giggle out loud. I decided I was definitely in the right place since I was apparently going nucking futs as the t-shirt says.
When he'd used up his questions he looked up and asked Aidan to excuse us. After he had slipped quietly from the room, Dr. Wohler turned his full attention on me.
"Well, Will," he said after a few seconds of carefully studying my face, "as you probably already know, you're in a pretty deep depression. That's the bad news. The good news is that depression is very treatable. Since your depression seems to be mainly because of your situation right now, and maybe some residual issues that you need to deal with, we could just work through it in some sessions. What I think is the better course is for us to set you up on some mild anti-depressants, get you out of this funk, get you so you're thinking a little clearer, and then we can really tackle those problems. You'll be able to handle a little poking at sore spots once your depression is under control. What do you think?"
I nodded hesitantly.
"Do you understand what causes depression?" he asked.
"Not really."
"Ok, to oversimplify it, there are lots of little cells in your brain, but they don't touch. To get information from one cell to another they need a conductor. That conductor is called seratonin. When your body isn't producing enough seratonin it can cause all sorts of problems, but the main one is depression. What we need to do is increase your seratonin level. Are you following me?"
I nodded.
"Ok, great!" He pulled open another desk drawer and pulled out some small boxes, "I'm going to give you some samples of a medicine that I think will do the trick. It's a very mild drug that has very few, very mild side effects and its not habit-forming. You won't feel an immediate difference; it takes a few weeks to get into your system. If this doesn't seem to be working for you then I want you to tell me that. This may not be the right drug for you, but I promise there is a right one. This isn't an exact science though and we may have to try a couple before we hit the right one. I'm betting this one will be the ticket, however."
He slid the boxes across the desk to me and I picked them up.
"Take two of those a day to start with. I gave you a two-week supply; that's the earliest that you would see some effect although it takes others longer sometimes. Is it ok if I bring Aidan back in now and tell him what we've decided?"
I nodded again and he pressed a button on his phone and spoke into the receiver, "Lillith, could you send Aidan back in please?"
Aidan was back beside me in no time. Dr Wohler directed his comments to him, "You were right to bring Will here, Aidan. He was definitely in need of a doctor's care. He is depressed but we are going to treat it aggressively with medication." He turned back to me. "Will do you trust Aidan?"
I thought for a moment then nodded slowly, "Yes."
"Good. I think you know that not too many roommates would go to this length for someone they've only known for a month. I'm going to give Aidan the medicine for now until you are in a better frame of mind." Aidan took the boxes and we both sat looking expectantly at the doctor. "There's one more thing I want you to do for me before you go, Will. I would like you to make a covenant with Aidan that you will not hurt yourself before talking to him. Can you do that Will?"
I looked down at my lap and nodded somewhat hesitantly.
"Say it."
I look up, startled.
"Look at Aidan and say it. Tell him that you promise not to hurt yourself without talking to him first."
I slowly turned my head until I was looking into Aidan's piercing green eyes. I saw myself mirrored in them, looking like a deer caught in headlights. I focused on the twin images of myself and forced the words from my mouth. "I promise I won't hurt myself without talking to you first," I whispered hoarsely.
"Good!" said Dr. Wohler, "now remember, you made that promise in front of a witness and a man is only as good as his word. Aidan, take care of him, keep an eye on him and call me if anything comes up that you can't handle. He probably shouldn't be left alone for a few days. Do you have some friends to help out?"
"We'll be ok," Aidan said confidently. I was glad someone was confident.
"Good, ok then. Will, I'll see you in two weeks."
The next few days went by in a blur. Aidan was almost always with me and when he wasn't Laura was. Once, Gabe even spent a tortured hour trying to make conversation while I stared dumbly at the television. But most of the time it was Aidan that watched over me, he even started sleeping in my bed, chastely of course. As far as I could tell, he never strayed from his side of the bed. At first I thought the constant attention would be suffocating, but in reality I found it very comforting. It was nice to know someone cared that deeply.
When the next week began, Aidan stayed home from school. When I protested he said that everything was already arranged with his professor s and for me not to worry about it.
Things settled into a nice, comfortable environment in which I slowly but surely began to feel better. The black curtain of depression began to lift and I began to feel hopeful once again. But as my spirits began to rise so did my restlessness. I was working at my drawing table one day with Aidan sitting nearby as usual. He was supposedly reading but he was at my elbow if so much as farted crooked. I got up to go look for a notebook that I was pretty sure was in my closet but Aidan insisted on getting it for me. After some bickering I gave in with a sigh and went back to my drawing. When he still wasn't back after several minutes I called back without looking up, "Did you find it? I told you I should just get it myself. I'm not an invalid you know."
"What are these?" he asked quietly from directly behind me. The closeness of his voice caused me to jump. I turned to see what he was talking about. He was holding one of my sketchbooks, the one I had drawn my suicide fantasies in.
"They were...from before," I said softly. Looking at them now I felt a strange horror, as if someone else had drawn them. It seemed impossible that they had come from my mind and my hand.
Aidan ripped the pages from the book in such a sudden, savage motion that I jumped again. He angrily shredded them one by one then gathered all the shreds of paper and tossed them into the sink where he burned the whole lot. A strange shudder went down my spine as I watched the flames lick at the edges of the paper, eventually consuming them completely. The whole episode bothered me more than it should have. We ended up going to bed earlier than usual and I was extra glad for Aidan's presence in my bed that night.
I awoke suddenly with the acrid smell of smoke still in my nostrils. I pushed myself into a sitting position and felt a sticky wetness on my hands. I looked down to see they were covered in blood. Whose? Mine? A knife lay on my pillow, glinting in the semi-darkness. I looked for Aidan but he wasn't next to me in the bed. I was alone. Suddenly fire was all around my bed, jumping and leaping closer and closer like a living thing. I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out. The flames crept closer and I squeezed my eyes closed so I wouldn't have to watch my skin burn away like the edges of the paper.
"Will! Will!" It was Aidan's voice. My eyes flew open to see his face, wide-eyed and frightened above me. "It was just a bad dream, Will. You're ok. I'm right here."
My heart felt like it would beat right out of my chest and my breathing came in ragged gasps. Could it have been just a dream? But it must have been, there was no fire, no smoke, no blood. I was in my bed and Aidan was holding me, but the terror still clung to me like stubborn fog in weak sunlight.
"It's ok, Will," Aidan whispered. I felt my body slowly began to relax into his and I snuggled closer. I hadn't felt so comforted since I was a little kid being held by my parents after a bad dream. I slowly drifted off to sleep.
The nightmare stayed away for the rest of the night and I awoke the next morning with Aidan's arm still around me. I sat up suddenly, waking him in the process.
"Mornin'..." he mumbled sleepily.
I looked around the room for signs of a fire. It was silly I knew, but the nightmare images where still so vivid in my mind.
"Whatcha lookin' for?" Aidan asked.
I laid back down without answering. Aidan raised himself up on one elbow to look into my face. "Are you ok?" he asked. Before I could answer the phone began to ring. Aidan looked around for it. It was on my side and since I hadn't made any move to answer it, he leaned over me to grab it up. His face was just a fraction of an inch from mine, so close I could feel his breath on my lips. Our eyes locked and he froze, the ringing phone momentarily forgotten. It stopped abruptly and the sudden silence brought us back to ourselves. Aidan quickly rolled back to his side of the bed. We carefully avoided looking at each other for an awkward moment before the phone began to ring again.
"I'll get it," I said quickly. "Hello?"
Will! Just who I was looking for! Did I wake you?" It was Nikki.
"No, I was awake."
"Oh, because I just called and the phone rang and rang and no one answered so I thought...well anyway, I've got some good news. How soon can you get to the gallery?"
"Um...how soon can I get to the gallery?" I repeated to Aidan.
"An hour," Aidan said.
"An hour," I relayed.
"Perfect! See you then! Ciao!"
"See you then," I said to a dead line, "Nikki wants me to come to the gallery; she said she has good news. Have you ever noticed how you can hear the exclamation points when she talks?"
Aidan laughed as he sat up, "Do you think she sold one of your paintings?"
"That would be so cool!" I yelled as I jumped up out of the bed. For the first time since my depression had set in I felt really excited.
Aidan got up and started out of the room, "You take your shower first. I'll cook us breakfast. This calls for a celebration!"
"We don't even know what we're celebrating," I called after him.
"Who cares? I'm just glad we've got some good news for a change."
After we had both showered and enjoyed a delicious omelet that Aidan had whipped up, we arrived at Avant Guard slightly ahead of schedule. Today, the Dixie Chicks were serenading walkers-by on the plaza from the open door of the gallery. They were belting out a good-bye to Earl as we walked in to the seemingly empty showroom. As we were standing there trying to decide what to do next, Derrick pulled is appearing trick. I made a mental note to ask Nikki how he did that. When he saw who we were he dropped his poise and yelled over his shoulder, "Nikolia, it's your latest find, the next Wyeth."
Nikki swept past him with a wide grin on her face, "Guess what?"
"I sold a painting?" I guessed.
Nikki frowned, "No, I'm sorry Will; you didn't sell a painting...you sold all three!"
"What?" Aidan and I chorused, then I added, "You're kidding!"
Nikki laughed, "I stirred things up a bit, called a few people to come see them, told them you were a newly discovered talent and boom...they sold themselves."
"I can't believe this!" I said.
"I can!" Aidan laughed.
"Now before you get your hopes up, I priced them on the low side since you are an unknown at this point, but now we have a benchmark. They only go up from here. We never really discussed prices so I hope you aren't disappointed."
I was surprised to realize I hadn't even thought about money. Just the fact that someone thought my art was good enough that they wanted it was enough for me at the moment. "How much?" I asked.
"Three hundred."
I blinked. "Dollars?"
"No, pesos. Of course dollars."
"For all three? But that's great!"
"No, not for all three, each."
"Th-th-three hundred dollars each?"
"That's nine hundred dollars," Aidan said helpfully in a somewhat awed voice.
"Minus my commission of course," Nikki said with a wink. I felt like I needed to sit down but there was nowhere to sit. I swayed a bit as Nikki went on, "How do you feel about gearing up towards a one-man show? I'd like to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. These people that bought your paintings are the type that like to brag about their latest acquisitions to all their rich friends so your name will be circulating right now. I'd rather not wait more than say, a month or so."
I was still reeling from the last blow and it took me awhile to catch up with her and realize what she was saying. Things always seemed to happen faster than I could keep up with when Nikki was around. "When?" I finally managed.
"Well, it's the beginning of October now and I'd really like to get it in before Thanksgiving, so let's say mid-November. That would give you about a month. You wouldn't have to do anything but paint; I'll take care of everything else. Think you can pull it off?"
"Do I have a choice?" I said, "I'll manage somehow. It's not like I have a job to worry about."
"Speaking of that, just tell me if it's none of my business but Aidan mentioned the other day that you'd quit your job and I talked it over with Derrick and we could use some extra help here at the gallery. We can't pay a lot but it's better than nothing and we could work around your painting schedule. Interested?"
"I'd say! What would I be doing?"
"Some office work, watching the floor for us if one of us can't do it, helping with sales, manual labor, you know, the usual."
"Will you teach me that trick of Derrick's?"
"You mean his poof-here-I-am trick?"
"Yeah, that one."
Nikki laughed, "Sorry, that's top-secret, but I can tell you that he practiced it for hours when we were kids."
"I did not!" yelled Derrick from somewhere unseen.
"So does this mean you want the job?"
"Hell, yeah!"
"Great! You're hired! You can start next Monday."
We shook hands and Aidan and I left. We talked excitedly about selling the paintings and my new job all the way home. Nothing more was mentioned for the rest of the day about that strange moment that morning in bed. Aidan returned to his own bed that night, saying that I was ok now by myself. I lay awake that night wondering what it would have been like if he had kissed me that morning. I knew that was what had been going through his mind when our eyes had locked. Suddenly it seemed of the utmost importance to know what Aidan's lips felt like against mine. Almost without even thinking I got up and walked across the hall to Aidan's door. I rapped lightly. He answered right away so I knew he was having as much trouble sleeping as I was.
I opened the door and then just stood there stupidly, suddenly unsure of what exactly I was doing. What was I hoping would happen?
Aidan was sitting up in his bed, his bare chest glowing in the moonlight which poured in from his window. He was looking at me with a confused expression. "Is something wrong?" he asked.
"No, I just...I missed you," I said awkwardly in a voice that was barely above a whisper.
For what seemed like an eternity he just stared back at me. I could see his mind turning my words every which way, seeking out every implication of my appearing in his bedroom after midnight. I felt like a little kid waking up his daddy after he's had a bad dream. Just as I turned to go back to my room he called my name. I turned back to see him toss the sheets aside and pat the bed next to him. I shut the door and walked to the side of the bed before hesitating again. My heart was racing and I couldn't keep my hands from shaking. In the near darkness I could see Aidan searching my face, his eyes seeking mine out. Then he reached out and tentatively took my hand, pulling me gently onto the bed.
The kiss was so soft, so quick that I almost thought I was still imagining it. The second one, though, was much more decisive, as if we both now knew what we wanted. He pulled back and searched my eyes once more. I reached around his neck and pulled him back to me for another kiss, this one much longer and more passionate.
I don't know how long we stayed like that, kissing as if our lives depended on it. I was lost in the moment. It was like my first kiss all over again, but so much better. I remember the first time I kissed Beth I had wondered where all the fireworks were. Now I knew.
I felt his hand slide over my shoulder, across my chest and down my stomach as his kisses moved down my neck. He left a trail of angel kisses down my chest and stomach where his hand had passed just moments before. His mouth lingered over my navel and he tickled it with his tongue. I felt my breath rush out as my stomach did somersaults. His mouth moved back up to meet mine but his hand slid under my boxers. I almost jumped out of the bed when he found his target. Then, in a blur of motion he broke away and before I could even think our boxers were off and he was on top of me, kissing me once again with a passion that caught me off guard. Our bodies began to move in synchronicity as the fireworks turned into an all out explosion.
Afterwards, as I lay wrapped tightly in his arms listening to his regular breathing, I began to question what had just happened. Did I love Aidan or had I just gone to him because I missed the security of having someone next to me? I didn't have the energy to pursue that line of thinking right then. I pushed the thoughts from my head and fell into a deep sleep.
They were back with a vengeance as soon as I opened my eyes the next morning though. My first coherent thought was, "Oh my God! What did we do?" But of course I had all the evidence I needed spooned into my back. My mind raced. Did I love Aidan? I wasn't sure. I was hurting from Joey and my family's rejections; maybe I just needed to feel loved for one night. But that would make me one hell of a horrible person, using Aidan like that. Of course I hadn't gone expecting all that to happen...had I? Aidan was without a doubt the most caring guy I had ever met, but I knew I still had a lot of unresolved feelings for Joey.
I felt Aidan stir behind me. His lips brushed my shoulder, then my ear. "I love you, Will," he whispered.
I sat up with a jolt.
"Will?"
"Aidan, last night..."
"Was incredible. You can't imagine how long I've wanted to do that; to hold you in my arms. It was so hard lying next to you all those nights, so close and yet..."
"Aidan..."
"I've wanted so badly to tell you that I loved you, but I knew I had to wait; that you had to make the first move.
"Aidan, last night was a mistake."
Punching him in the stomach wouldn't have created the affect those words had on him. He seemed to crumple inward as his face fell. "What?" he whispered.
"We shouldn't have...done what we did."
"Make love? We shouldn't have made love? Why? What do you mean? You came to me. I thought you wanted me."
"I don't know what I wanted. That's the problem. I still love Joey and right now I can't separate what I feel for him and what happened last night. Maybe I did want you, but what if I really only went to you because I need to feel loved, because I couldn't have Joey?"
"I don't understand this," Aidan ran his hands through his hair, "Do you love me?"
"I...I don't know."
Aidan stood up abruptly, realized he was still naked and grabbed the sheet to cover himself; clutching it like a security blanket.
"Aidan, I do love you," I said hurriedly, "You've become my best friend these past few weeks. I don't know anyone else who would have done what you've done for me. I'm just so confused right now. I don't know if I love you the way you want me to love you."
"You didn't seem confused last night."
"I...it's just...I still have all these feelings for Joey."
"Joey's straight. No, he's not just straight; he's homophobic. I'm here, right now. And I'm telling you I love you with everything I am. Isn't that enough for you? Aren't I enough for you?"
"It's not that you're not enough. These feelings I have for Joey, I've had them for years. I can't just make them go away. I don't have an on and off switch. I wish I did. And maybe...maybe once he gets used to the idea, maybe he'll be ok with it. Maybe he'll even realize he loves me too."
"Oh God! Wake up Will! It's not going to happen. The guy's an asshole. I hadn't told you because I didn't want to hurt you and I thought you had enough to deal with, but ever since you broke the big news to your old pal Joey he's been hell-bent on proving his heterosexual masculinity. Shelley dumped him weeks ago and he's been screwing everything with tits ever since. He's become the campus sleaze over night."
"Not Joey. He wouldn't do that."
"Guess what? He is. He's also managed to maintain an almost constant state of stone-assed drunkenness at every party that's been held since school began, whether he was invited or not. His trademark phrase is, "Can you believe I used to be friends with a fag?"
The last statement hit me like a blow. Aidan saw it written all over my face. "Oh God, Will, I'm sorry."
I stood up and staggered to the door.
"Will, please, I'm sorry."
I walked across the hall to my room and shut the door behind me. Immediately, Aidan was knocking and talking through the door. I quickly turned the lock.
"Will, please open the door. Talk to me. Don't shut me out."
I walked to the window and threw it up with a bang.
"Will! I shouldn't have said that, it was wrong. I was hurt. Please open the door."
I climbed out the window and onto the fire escape with a strange sense of detachment. It would all be over soon. Aidan sounded like he was crying now; he'd stopped banging on the door. "Will, please forgive me..." he sobbed.
I didn't feel anything anymore, but I felt I owed him at least that much so I turned back to the window. "I forgive you," I tried to say but it came out as a kind of croak, so I cleared my throat and said it again only louder. Then I turned and climbed onto the rail. I stood for a second balancing precariously on the top rung. The ground looked so far away. I heard a key fumbling in the lock of my door and I thought it was strange that I didn't know he had a key to my room.
"Will...NO!"
I jumped. For a brief moment I felt like I was flying, all my troubles were gone. Then the ground started rushing towards me.
"Noooooo!"
Blackness.