*** Well, here's Chapter 6. Sorry it took so long but a lot has been going on. I won't go into here but if you are curious enough go to my web site and read it in the newsletter. I have a new mailing list too that you can sign up for on the site. Plus...i have a new mailing address: aterovis@hotmail.com. For those of you who said nothing was happening in RTW...hold on to your seats...the ride is about to begin.
www.familyshoebox.com/family/BleedingHearts ***
Chapter 6
It was Sunday night and Aidan and I were in the middle of a Daytona USA tournament when the phone rang. It was Joey asking if he could come over. He sounded serious so I quickly agreed. He was at the door in 15 minutes.
Thinking about my last serious conversation I led Joey out onto the fire escape. Once we were settled Joey didn't waste any time.
"I just thought you should know that there are rumors going around campus that Aidan is gay and he's not done anything to deny them."
I sat for a moment trying to decide what to say. I wondered why Aidan hadn't mentioned it. I decided to be honest with Joey.
"He's probably not denying it because it's true," I said finally.
Joey looked stunned, "Oh man, Will, I'm really sorry about getting you into this. ..wait a minute, you knew this?"
"Yeah."
"For how long?"
"Since the night I moved in."
"And you didn't anything?"
"It wasn't something I just go around telling everyone. It's Aidan's life. He only told me because we were going to be living together. He said he wasn't ready to tell other people and I respected that."
Joey looked out over the river. After a few minutes of heavy silence I took a deep breath.
"Hey, Joey? As long as we're getting things out in the open I have something I need to tell you."
Joey looked over nervously at me, almost as if he knew what was coming and didn't want to hear it. For a second I thought he was going to get up and leave, but with an almost visible effort he stayed seated.
"A few weeks ago, when I broke up with Beth, she said something that really upset me."
"I remember, you wouldn't tell me about in the car, but you said you didn't want to talk about it."
"Right. Part of what she said involved Laura so I asked her about it."
"That was when you were down by the river."
"Yeah. I...well...it upset Laura but she was honest with me and she backed up what Beth had said, then she went on to ask me something that has been bugging me ever since and I finally realized what she was trying to tell me."
Joey looked away again and I wondered if Laura had talked to him or if he just suspected. Or maybe I was just being over sensitive and reading things into it that weren't there. "I thought she looked like she was crying, but Laura never cries so I just thought it was reflections off the water."
"It wasn't the water, she was crying. Joey, Laura asked me if I was in love with you."
"WHAT? I can't believe Laura would ask something like that! Don't worry about it, Will. I'll straighten things out."
"Joey..."
"I mean that's the craziest thing I've ever heard..."
"Joey..."
"She must have lost her fucking mind!"
"JOEY! She's not crazy I am in love with you."
He froze and stared at me wild eyed.
"Joey?"
He just stared.
"Joey, say something."
"You're a fag?"
"It's not like that. I don't even know if I'm gay or not..."
"You don't know?"
"No, I mean maybe I'm just bi..."
"Just bi?"
"Or maybe it's nothing. I mean, I know I'm in love with you but that doesn't mean anything, right? We're still buds. Hey, it took me two weeks just to admit that. It's not like I'm going to hit on you or something..."
"Hit on me?" He stood up and moved to the railing. I stood up too and moved next to him. He pulled back sharply.
"Joey? I..."
"Look, Will, I don't know what this is about. I mean we've been best friends forever but I don't know...this is...I just...if you like guys then you're not the same guy I've known for all these years."
"Joey, I'm the same guy I always was. Nothing's changed."
"Everything's changed. Introducing you to Aidan was a huge mistake."
"This doesn't have anything to do with Aidan. It started a long time before he came on the scene. Laura's known forever."
"Well I didn't know." He ran his hands through his hair. "Look, Will, I don't think I can handle this. I don't know what you want..."
"I don't want anything." I reached out towards his arm but Joey jumped back like my hand would burn him if it made contact with his skin.
"Don't touch me! Look, there's no way I can be friends with a fag. I'm sorry...but I just can't. So you get yourself straightened out and then let me know, until then, don't call me."
"You can't be serious..."
"I am serious, I'm not gonna be associated with a fag, I have my reputation..."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My head was spinning and a dull roar had begun in my ears so that I almost missed what he said next.
"I mean it, Will, stay away from me. Don't call me. Just get help." He turned to crawl back through the window and without thinking I grabbed his arm. He shook me off violently and backed up against the rail. "Don't touch me!"
"Joey...I'm the same..."
"No, nothing is the same."
"Joey..."
He spun around and kicked the ladder down to the next floor with a clang and started climbing down.
"Joey!" I screamed after him. He didn't even look up. He jumped to the ground and started walking away, never once looking back. "Joey...please!" I choked.
"Will?" Aidan was climbing through the window, "What happened? Are you ok?"
"No, I'm not ok!" I managed before collapsing into a sobbing heap on the metal grill of the fire escape.
Aidan quickly crouched down next to me and wrapped his arms around me and began to slowly rock back and forth while I sobbed on his shoulder. I somehow managed to tell him what had happened, which only started me crying all the harder. He never said anything, just held me while I cried. Eventually, when I had cried myself out, my seemingly endless flow of tears exhausted along with the rest of me, Aidan pulled me to my feet and helped me through the window. He led me to the bed and tucked me in, pulling the blankets up to my chin, then sat next to me until I had calmed down. Then, with a light kiss on my forehead, he turned out the light and left the room.
I didn't go to work the next day; I had Aidan call in sick for me before he went to school. I spent the whole day sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I knew what was happening but just didn't care anymore. It seemed so hopeless.
By the time Aidan got home from school my eyes were almost swollen shut from crying on and off all day. He didn't say anything, just made me a bowl of chicken soup, comfort food he said, and sat next to me on the couch.
When there was no change by Wednesday, he began to get concerned. By Friday he'd called in the big guns. When I saw Laura sweeping in on me I thought I would really get it now, but to her credit she didn't say I told you so, she didn't even hint it. She simply wrapped me in a big hug and said it was ok, she understood but it was time to get back to living.
"Joey'll come around. You know he will. It was just a shock; you know how clueless he is. Just give him some time."
I thought for a minute, then nodded, stood up and walked down the hall to take a shower.
"How come he didn't listen when I said that?" I heard Aidan wail.
"Sometimes it just takes a woman to do the job right," she said smugly.
The rest of the weekend went by slowly. I wouldn't say I was back to normal but at least I was functioning again. Laura checked in often to see how I was doing. When I went back to work Monday morning, Dad was waiting in my office. My stomach sank as soon as I saw him.
"Son," he said, "I need to ask you something."
I felt my knees buckle so I quickly sat down. "Ok," I managed to squeak.
"Joey came to see me yesterday afternoon," he said and immediately the room began to spin. I gripped the edge of the desk and tried to keep my breathing regular. "He said that the young man you are living with is a homosexual. Is that true?"
I fought the urge to stick my head between my knees. It seemed like it would be bad form. I managed to nod.
Dad sighed, "He also said that...you were being drawn into this lifestyle as well."
My eyes widened. I couldn't believe my best friend could do this to me.
"Son, if this is true then we have a decision to make." I tried to focus on what he was saying but it suddenly seemed like he was far away and I was listening through a tunnel, watching from a distance. My body was still there, clutching for dear life to the edge of the desk, but the rest of me had withdrawn to a safer place. "If you continue living with this boy," he continued, "then you will have to be removed from your position here at the church. We just cannot accept that lifestyle."
From my distant vantage point I wondered what lifestyle he kept referring to. As far as I knew my lifestyle wasn't any different then it had always been. And Aidan seemed to have a pretty decent lifestyle from all I had seen. I decided not to ask though, that would require going back.
Dad waited for a moment the stood up, "Will, you are my son and I love you. I will always love you, no matter what. But I as the pastor of this church I cannot accept homosexuality. If that is what you chose I will be very disappointed and as I said I will be forced to take action." With that he turned and walked away, slumped over as if carrying a great weight. I wanted to scream after him that it wasn't a choice. No one had bothered to ask me if I wanted to fall in love with Joey. No one had asked me if I wanted to be gay!
My mind froze.
I'd just said I was gay. Not out loud, but in my head...that still counted for something right? Was I? If I thought I was gay then I must be...I mean I should know right? The room was spinning again. This time I didn't resist the urge to stick my head between my knees and take deep breaths. Once I had regained some modicum of control I switched on my computer and quickly typed up a letter of resignation.
I was sitting in the recliner at home, staring at the TV when Aidan got home.
"Hey, Will," he called as he came in, "How come the TV's not on?"
I turned my head slowly to face him. "I quit my job today."
"What? Why?"
"I'm gay."
"You're...but...I mean..." he took a breath and collapsed onto the couch, "What does that have to do with quitting your job?"
"Joey went to Dad and told him I was gay."
"He told him what? What did your dad do?"
"He asked me if it was true."
"And you told him..."
"I didn't tell him anything. I couldn't even talk. But he knows."
Aidan stood up and began to pace in an agitated manner. "I'm moving out. I can't let this happen. I won't ruin your life too."
"You're not going anywhere. This isn't your fault. Sit down, you're making me dizzy."
He sat down heavily. "I mean this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't moved in with me."
"Oh please, I was in love with Joey long before I met you. It was just a matter of time. You don't seem surprised that I'm gay."
"I'm not. Well, I mean...I figured. I thought it would take you longer to deal with it though."
"I don't know if I have dealt with it yet."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know."
The phone rang saving me from trying to answer a question I didn't have an answer for. Aidan picked it up quickly.
"It's for you," he said with an unreadable expression as he handed me the phone.
"Yes?" I said woodenly into the handset.
"Will?" It was my mom. She sounded like she'd been crying.
"Yes."
"Will, your father said you quit today."
"Yes."
"Will, why?'
"It was either that or get fired."
"He said it was because you think you're gay."
"Yes."
"Oh Will! You can't be!" she cried.
"Mom, I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do about it."
"There's counseling, I heard about it on the radio..."
"I don't think so, Mom."
A strangled sob filled my ear, "You know we can't accept this, we can't condone it."
"I know," I said quietly. I felt a tear escape the corner of my eye and slide down my cheek.
"I'll always love you, Willie."
"I know, Mom."
"You're father says you're not welcome back here unless you get counseling," she burst into sobs, "He says to read Hosea 8:7," she managed to choke out before I heard the click of the phone as she hung up. The line went dead, but I held the phone numbly in my hand until the operator came on and informed that if I wanted to make a call I needed to hang up and try again.
I stood up and handed the phone back to Aidan who was watching me with a worried expression. I walked down the hall to my room and picked up my worn Bible. I turned to Hosea and found the indicated verse. "For you have sown the wind and you shall reap the whirlwind..."
The following days saw me plunge back into depression, this time even deeper than the first time. Nothing Aidan said could lift me out the dark miasma of despair that I sunk deeper into with every passing day. Even Laura's commands fell on deaf ears.
For the first time in my life I found myself thinking about suicide, but worse, the idea wasn't at all as repugnant as I'd always imagined it would be. It held a certain alluring charm, a promise of escape, of no more pain and confusion. I didn't dare mention it to anyone, but as each day passed I grew more and more obsessed with the idea of killing myself. I even drew pictures of the various methods I was thinking about. One showed me seemingly asleep on the bed...until you noticed the empty pill bottles lying next to me. Another showed me hanging from a noose from the fire escape. My personal favorite though was of me in a pool of blood with my wrists laid open.
Friday morning dawned gray and miserable. I decided it was a perfect day to bring one of those sketches to life. I immediately discarded the hanging one. I didn't know how to tie a noose and besides, I'd heard it was a horrible way to die. After checking the medicine cabinet I had to forget the OD method too. The strongest thing we had was two cough drops and some mouthwash. I somehow doubted they could pull it off. On the other hand I would have nice breath when they found me. Ah, gallows humor...gotta love it.
That left me with slashing my wrists. I was morbidly pleased since a bloody death appealed to that dark romantic side of me. I waited until Aidan was gone before slipping out of bed and into the kitchen. I sorted through our knives, disappointed to realize we didn't have many to choose from and what we did have wouldn't cut through hot butter. I needed a sharp knife so it would quick, before I lost my nerve. I finally chose one that was marginally sharper than the rest. Now, where to do the deed? I went through several ideas before deciding the kitchen was as good a place as any; definitely the easiest place to clean up.
The thought of a note went through my head but considering the circumstances I didn't think one was necessary. Those involved would know why and no one else needed to know. Besides who would address it to? To whom it may concern? Then I thought about writing up a will, but I didn't have anything worth leaving to anyone and I wasn't at all sure I was of sound mind and body at the moment and I was pretty sure that was a requirement.
Finally I ran out of stall tactics. It was now or never. I took a deep breath and placed the edge of the blade against my wrist and froze. I couldn't seem to make myself do it. Just then I heard a fumbling at the door and before my befuddled mind could react Aidan walked in.
"Hey," he said as he walked in, "It's good to see you up. I forgot my..." he stopped suddenly when he saw the knife in my hand. "Oh my God, Will...what are you doing?"
I gripped the knife harder and pressed so hard against my skin that a thin cut sliced through and a small trickle of blood ran down my wrist. Aidan's eyes bulged, "Don't!"
"Why?" I gasped from the pain, "Why shouldn't I kill myself? What do I have to live for?"
"Will, you have your whole life ahead of you. You're only 18. I know things are hard right now, but this isn't the answer." As he spoke he inched slowly closer to me.
"Then what is the answer?"
"I don't know, Will, but I promise this isn't it. I'll help you find it though; I know someone who can help. He's my professor, a really nice guy. I want you to talk to him."
"A shrink?"
"He's a psychiatrist; a good one. I think he can help."
"You think I need to be fixed too."
"No, I just think..."
"No!"
"Please think of all the people you would be hurting."
"Like who? My parents? I'm not even welcome in their home anymore. My best friend? He doesn't want anything to do with me."
"How about Laura? And Asher? And what about me? I care about you, Will." He had gradually crept closer until he was now within arm's reach. He stretched out his hand and looked at me pleadingly. "Please Will, don't do this. Give me the knife. Right now all you can see is the darkness but there is light, I promise. I promise you, Will."
Suddenly it was like everything drained out of me. The knife slipped from my fingers with a clatter as it struck the tiles. I crumpled slowly after it, my body wracked with enormous sobs that seemed to originate from the depths of my soul and shudder their way through my whole being. Aidan was at my side with his arms around me before I even hit the floor. We sat in the kitchen floor with his arms around while he gently rocked me and I sobbed into his shoulder. I felt his tears mixing with my own and I knew he was hurting with me, sharing my pain. It somehow made the pain that much more bearable.
"I'm getting blood on your shirt," I blubbered.
"I don't care," he said gently, then lifted me up like a small child and carried me to the sofa where he carefully laid me down. He ducked into the kitchen long enough to grab a dishtowel which he wrapped tightly around my wrist.
"It's not deep. I'll get a bandage and you'll be fine," he said.
Then, keeping a concerned eye on me, he flipped through his address book and made a phone call. He spoke in low tones that I couldn't quite make out, not that I tried all that hard. After he hung up, he picked me up again and carried me down the hall.
In the bathroom, he began pulling my clothes off. I didn't even protest, I was so wiped out. I felt as if I had been turned inside out, beaten, then turned right side in again. When he had me stripped to my boxers he turned the shower on and placed me under the spray. The cold water hit me like a slap in the face. Even with the bracing coolness, Aidan still had to practically hold me up and by the time the water was turned off he was as soaked as I was.
He wrapped a thick, fluffy towel around my shivering body and once more lifted me up and carried me into the bedroom. He set me on the bed then turned to pull some clothes out of the dresser. He laid them next to me.
"Think you can get dressed while I change?" he asked gently.
I nodded and he left. I obediently started pulling on the clothes he had set out, feeling like a little kid but not minding all that much. He was back much quicker than I would have thought possible and helped me finish getting dressed.
"Let's go," he said when I was once more clothed.
"Go where?" I asked meekly.
"Do you trust me?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Then let's go."