Here's Chapter two of Reap the Whirlwind. Sorry it was so long in coming. Hope you like it. Things'll start picking up in the next few chapters. Hope you enjoy. Lemme know how you like it. rysh@hotmail.com
www.familyshoebox.com/family/bleedinghearts
Chapter 2
I lay awake in my bed that night, staring at the ceiling lit only by moonlight. I'd been awake for hours watching the minutes tick by on my alarm clock, unable to sleep. My mind refused to turn off. So much had happened today - too much for my brain to absorb so quickly. My mind replayed snippets of conversation from the day over and over like a slide show on constant rotation.
Joey: "You should move out..."
Beth: "Joey always comes first..."
Shelley: "We've only been going out for two weeks..."
Laura: "Why wasn't I ever good enough for you...?"
Joey: "We're growing up...things change..."
Things changed alright. I knew that logically everything changes, but I didn't have to like it. And I especially didn't like the way things were changing for me. Didn't I get any say in any of this?
There were two conversations that I wasn't sure what to think of. The first being with Aidan when I asked if he still wanted to me to be his roommate. In my mind at least that had become not so certain after my horrible behavior, but he'd acted as if nothing had happened and had actually seemed pretty excited.
I knew my parents wouldn't be at all excited when I told them. They tended to be a little over-protective. I was an only child and my father was a rather conservative pastor. Their child rearing philosophies tended to be a bit old fashioned. I could just imagine their reaction. "You're doing what? We don't even know this young man! Does he do drugs?"
And the truth was, I really didn't know Aidan. But Joey had said he was a good guy and I instinctively liked him. I generally trusted my instincts. He was funny, nice and he had seemed genuinely happy that I was moving in. We were supposed to start moving some time later that week. Now all I had to do was figure out how to tell my parents.
The other thing that I was very uncertain about was Laura's question down by the river and all that it implied. I'd been avoiding thinking about it all night, but my mind kept going back to it anyway. It was like having an ulcer in your mouth and even though it hurts you just can't keep your tongue away from it. No matter how I tried to distract myself I always ending up in the same place - Was I in love with Joey?
The idea was preposterous; the implication being that I might be gay. That, of course, was impossible. Right?
No one jumped to my defense; no one rushed to reassure me of my heterosexuality. It was just me and my thoughts and they refused to leave me alone.
I'd been raised all my life to believe that homosexuality was wrong, that it was unnatural and against God's law. I couldn't be gay, I just couldn't! I worked at the church, my dad was the pastor, there was just no way I could be gay!
Then why wouldn't Laura's question stop haunting me?
Finally in frustration I threw back the sheets and jumped out of bed. If I couldn't fall asleep then I'd find something to physically distract myself. I flipped on the light and rummaged through my closet until I found what I was looking for. I flipped through my old sketchbook until I found came to a sketch that I had started for a painting but never finished. For some reason it had been on my mind all night. It hadn't started out that way, but it was a self-portrait of sorts. In it, a boy who had turned out to look a great deal like me was peering out of a swirling black fog. His (my?) face was lit weakly by a guttering lantern that he (I?) held in an outstretched hand. I wondered what had drawn me to this drawing tonight. Was it because it was suddenly a rather appropriate metaphor for how I was feeling right now? Nah, too deep. It was probably just because I'd never finished it and I hated to leave things undone.
As I turned towards my worktable I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror on the back of the closet door. There I was in all my glory, wearing only my boxers - short, skinny and pale. I looked like I was 14 at the most. I stuck my tongue out at myself and walked away from my disappointing reflection.
I cleared off the top surface of the worktable and turned on the overhead adjustable lamp. I dropped the sketchbook into the pool of warm light created by the 100-watt incandescent bulb. The table was arranged under the wide double windows to catch as much natural light as possible, but natural light wasn't an option at 2 in the morning. I stared at the sketch for a few minutes then picked up my favorite sketch pencil and started adding a few small details. I didn't add too much because I liked the way the edges seemed to fade away, lost in darkness and left to the realm of the unknown. I was really starting to warm up to the idea of this being an allegory for my life right now.
Once I had the drawing just the way I wanted it I began the tedious process of transferring it onto watercolor paper. I carefully outlined my pencil drawing on tracing paper so that the end product looked like a coloring book outline. Then I rubbed the back of this drawing with graphite and finally transferred that onto watercolor paper. A long process, but one that I felt necessary for a good, clean image with no eraser marks or mistakes on my finished painting. When that was done I began the actual painting. By the time I was done the sun was just starting to break the horizon. I was finally tired so I cleaned my brushes and collapsed onto my bed where I fell immediately asleep.
My alarm went off less than an hour later. With a groan I rolled over and turned it off. I wanted more than anything to just go back to sleep, but it was Sunday. The last thing I wanted to do right then was go to church, but when your dad is the pastor its not exactly an option, at least not as long as I lived at home.
I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. Maybe I'd feel better after a shower. I didn't. And I didn't feel better after I ate breakfast, or after I drank three cups of coffee, which I hate and usually never drink, or even after I got to church. I somehow managed to get through the morning, although I'm pretty sure I dozed off a few times during the sermon. I was feeling pretty self-satisfied as I drove home, but it turned out to be the afternoon that I should have been worried about.
It never would have happened if I hadn't been so tired, if I'd had all my wits about me. But I was tired and I didn't have all my wits about me and when Dad started in on me about leaving my room in a such a mess this morning I snapped.
"You won't have to worry about it after this week," I said before I stop myself.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked as Mom froze on her way out of the room.
I tried to think of plausible lie, but I was so tired I just wasn't up to the effort. I always was a lousy liar anyway. "I'm moving out this week," I mumbled finally.
Mom turned slowly around while Dad looked as if I'd kicked him.
"What did you say?" Mom said in a falsely cheery voice, as if she must have misunderstood and thought that it was going to be a funny story to tell the deacon chairman's wife the next time she talked to her.
What could I say? Just kidding? It was too late to turn back now. I took a deep breath. "I'm moving out this week." I said firmly.
For a long time no one spoke. I realized I was holding my breath and let it out in a loud whoosh.
"And where are you planning on living?" Dad said slowly.
"With a friend of Joey's, from college."
"Do we know him?" Mom asked, then a panicked look crossed her face, "He is a boy isn't he? Oh, Will, don't tell me your moving in with a girl!"
"No, it's a boy, and you don't know him, but I met him last night and he seems like a really nice guy. He said I'll only have to pay a third of the rent and it's a really nice apartment. It's down by the river in this renovated warehouse..." I faded out under Dad's disapproving glare.
"Will, I don't approve," he said ominously.
Big surprise, I thought, but caught myself just in time from saying. "I'm 18," I said in what I hoped was a reasonable tone of voice, "It's time I moved out. If I'd gone to college I would have left already. At least I'll be in the same town."
"What is this boy's name?" Mom asked.
"Aidan..." I realized I couldn't remember his last name, "Aidan...Aidan." I finished lamely.
"Aidan Aidan?"
"No, Aidan something, I can't remember his last name." I admitted sheepishly.
Dad threw up his hands and stood up. "I think you're making a huge mistake. The real world is a different place from living here at home. You'll be back." He stalked angrily out of the room.
Mom stared after him for a minute then turned back to me. "Just know this will always be your home and you can come back whenever you want," she said before rushing out after him.
Over my dead body, I thought. I would never give him the satisfaction of crawling back. I went upstairs to my room and slept for the rest of the afternoon. When I woke up that evening I started packing. It kept my mind out of areas I wasn't ready for it to go and reinforced my decision. Putting things into boxes made it all seem more real. Everywhere I looked though something made my thoughts skitter right back to the forbidden place; a love note from Beth, one of Joey's t-shirts in my closet, a picture of Joey, Laura and I with our arms thrown around each other's necks.
Joey called once, but I told Mom to tell him I was busy packing. When Laura called I tried the same ploy with her, but I should have known she wouldn't be put off so easily. She'd barely had time to hang up before she appeared in my doorway.
"Hey," she said softly as her eyes swept over the mess in my room. I had pulled everything out of my closet and it sat in haphazard piles all around me.
"I'm busy," I said keeping my eyes carefully averted to avoid her probing look.
"So I see. You wouldn't talk to me on the phone and I know what that means. It means you're avoiding me. I figured I could corner you in your lair. You need a hand?"
"I've got it," I said.
"Are you ok, Will?"
"I'm fine. I just have a lot to do."
"Are you really ok? Look at me and tell me you're ok."
"I said I was fine didn't I?" I snapped, still not looking at her.
"I know what you said, but I also know you well enough to know when you are lying to me."
"Everyone thinks they know me so well."
"Not as well as I'd like. For someone who is so transparent with their emotions you do a pretty damn good job of keeping people away. What are you so scared of, Will?"
"I'm not scared of anything. Look, I've got a lot of packing to do. If you're not going to help why don't you just go home? And standing in the door psychoanalyzing me is not helping. All you are doing is pissing me off."
"I noticed. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry if what I said last night upset you. It just seemed like it needed to be said."
I didn't answer, just kept on packing things into the box in front of me. She waited a few beats then sighed and moved behind me to the bed.
"This is good, Will," she said after a moment, "Is it a self portrait?"
She had picked up the painting I had done the night before. "Sort of," I said.
"It captures you somehow; that slightly hunted look, like a deer caught in headlights."
"Gee thanks."
"No, it's actually very endearing."
"Whatever."
She was quiet for a while then I sensed her sit down on the edge of my bed. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore so I turned to see what she was doing. She was looking at the picture of the three of us that I had found earlier.
"Do you remember when this was taken?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah, that's the summer we all went to Busch Gardens, we were what? 14?"
"Yeah, that was the summer I realized that you'd never love me the way I wanted you to. You spent the whole vacation following Joey around like a puppy dog and I followed you. I might as well have not even been there."
And here we were back here again, come full circle. Why did everything have to be so complicated?
"What do you see?" she said holding the picture out to me.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Look at it."
"I am...what am I looking for?"
"Look at us. What do you see?"
I looked closer. In the picture I was in the center with Joey on my right and Laura on my left. Joey's head was thrown back slightly as he laughed at some joke. His eyes were locked with the camera in a typical Joey expression of challenge. He was always challenging something. At first I could figure out what Laura was talking about. And then I saw it.
"You know now don't you?" she whispered. I nodded. "You have to deal with Will, for your own sake."
She handed me the photo and stood up and left.
I sat looking at the picture for a long time before I turned the lights out and went to bed. As I drifted off to sleep, the image in the photo seemed to be burned into my retina, I could still see it on the inside of my eyelids. In it, Laura looked longingly at me, completely ignoring the camera. But all my attention was focused on Joey, a look of complete adoration in my eyes. Joey was the only one who seemed conscious of the camera, oblivious to everything else but his own posing. The rest of us lesser beings were too caught up in our objects of desire.
I avoided so much as even thinking about Laura and Joey for the rest of the week. It wasn't that hard. They were in school and I was at work during the day and busy moving at night. Aidan came over several times in his beat up Ford pick-up and under Dad's disapproving watch we moved most of my stuff out by that Friday night. I drove the last few odds and ends over in my car.
Aidan threw open the door dramatically before I could even knock.
"Welcome home!" he said with a grin, complete with dimples.
I smiled back and pushed past him, the box was starting to get heavy. "I guess this is home now, huh?" I said and laughed. I couldn't believe how excited I was, and a little nervous.
"Yep. Home is where the heart is or something like that," he said as he followed me down the hall to my room.
"Does that mean my heart is here now?" We'd cleared out his remaining boxes during the week and replaced them with mine.
"I hope so, the rest of you is here. But sometimes I get the impression that your heart is somewhere else."
I looked up sharply, but he was busy opening up one of my boxes. We spent the next hour or so unpacking enough of my stuff so I could at least sleep there that night.
"Hey, Will?" Aidan said hesitantly after a while.
Something in his voice made me put down the box I was poking in and give him my full attention. A slightly concerned expression clouded his green eyes. "Yeah?" I said carefully.
"I have something I need to tell you and I guess I should have said something sooner, like before you moved in and all, but..."
"Please tell me its just that you wear colored contact lenses," I said with a forced smile.
"Huh?" Now he just looked confused.
"It's just that your eyes are so green...oh never mind..."
"My eyes? Their natural," he still seemed confused as if he couldn't figure out how we had started talking about his eyes. "Look, can we maybe sit down to talk?"
Oh no, you never had to sit down to talk about something good. My feeling of unease heightened. What was he going to tell me? Was he from a mob family? Was that why he could afford this apartment? He had said he was from a big family. I sat down heavily on the bed.
Aidan looked around uncomfortably, "Uh, I was thinking of more like the living room."
"Oh," I said weakly and followed him down the hall. I sat on the couch and Aidan sat on the chair closest to me. He blinked at me for several minutes then stood up and began to pace. I was getting more and more nervous with every second that passed.
"I don't know how to say this," he said finally, "so I'm just going to say it and let happen whatever happens. Will...I'm gay." He stopped pacing and looked at me anxiously. I waited for the punch line. When it became apparent that it wasn't coming I stood up and walked to the windows.
"Did Laura set you up for this?" I asked with my back to him.
"What? Laura? What does she have to do with this?"
"Did she?"
"No, she doesn't even know."
"Does Joey know?"
"No, no one down here does yet. You're the first person I've told since I moved. Well, my cousin knows but he doesn't live in town and he's not in college. I only told you because, well...I thought you should know since we're going to be living together and all."
"You should have told me before," I said. I was desperately trying to stay calm but my delicate façade was dangerously close to crumbling. I couldn't believe this was happening right now, when I was so confused about myself. I had avoided thinking about it all week and now here I was slapped upside the head with the same issue from a direction I'd never even suspected. My head was reeling.
"I know I should have told you earlier and I'm really sorry. You've got to believe me; it's really hard to tell people. But it's not going to change anything, right? I mean I'm not going to hit on you or anything and I don't dress in women's clothing or anything. I'm still the same person I was before, its just now you know a little more about me."
"A little more than I wanted to know," I snapped. Immediately I regretted it. I could see the hurt written all over his face. "I'm sorry, Aidan," I sighed. "I didn't mean that. It just...it just caught me by surprise. You must be regretting that you even asked me to move in. The first night I act like a jerk and storm out like some spoiled brat and then now I freak out because you try to be honest with me."
He gave me a lopsided grin, a weak shadow of his usual luminous grins but more than I could have managed in his place. "Hey, you were having a bad day that night, remember? And as far as tonight goes, well...I would have to go through something like this with whoever moved in and I have to say that you've handled it better than most of the people I've told."
I sat back down, "I thought you said I was the only person you'd told besides your cousin."
"Down here. Back home I came out to pretty much everyone at one time. I didn't know that it's better to come out gradually. Most people didn't take it very well and I didn't have a support system built up yet so it was pretty rough. The people who would have supported me were too shocked to be much comfort when I needed it. That was what made up my mind to transfer down here. I would have never got through the rest of last year if it hadn't been for my Aunt Meg. She was my rock through everything."
"What happened?"
"Well, some people just stopped having anything to do with me, but those were the best case scenarios. Other's felt it was their duty to go out of their way to tell me how they felt about alternative lifestyles. But my cousin that lives down here, Aunt Meg's son is gay and he's been accepted pretty while since he came out so I thought that maybe this would be a better area for me. I was already looking at the college here; that just cemented the decision. Does it bother you?"
"That you're gay?" I thought a moment, "No, it doesn't really bother me," I said and I meant it. "It just adds to something I was already dealing with."
"You want to explain that?"
"No, not really. Not yet anyway. I've still got a lot to figure out."
He gave me a suspicious look but didn't push the issue. "Well, if you change your mind I'm here for you."
"So, uh...how did you know?" I asked, partly to divert his attention back to himself and partly because I honestly wanted to know.
"Actually, my cousin helped me. He figured out he was gay about a year ago and he just seemed to have everything together. He has a boyfriend that he's crazy about and who's crazy about him and he's two years younger than me. When I came down for Thanksgiving and saw them together I saw how happy they were and I realized that I desperately wanted that too. I'd had a few girlfriends but it just never felt right. So I asked him the same thing you just asked me. He may be younger than me, but the kid's really sharp. He said, 'Either you are or you aren't. You just know. You either like girls or you like guys.' When you boil it down like that it was pretty obvious, for me anyway."
I nodded thoughtfully. I didn't like where I was going with that train of though. He said something else but I didn't catch it I was so lost in my own thoughts. I realized he was waiting for me to say something.
"Huh?" I said wittily.
"I said, do you want to see a picture of my cousin and his boyfriend? You know, you actually remind me a lot of his boyfriend."
"Sure," I said absently.
Aidan went back to his room and came back out a minute later with a small, framed photo, which he handed to me. I looked down and felt my mouth drop open.
"That's Asher!" I gasped.