It's amazing the difference that exists between meeting and falling in love with someone, when you're a 13 year old child, and meeting and falling in love with someone, when you're a 19 year old semi-adult. The senses are totally different. The recognition is there. When I looked at Chris, I didn't see a guy with long hair, which was something I wanted. I didn't see a guy who was so smart, that it sometimes embarrassed me just to know him. I saw somebody who I was deeply in love with. That hug in my apartment pretty much pushed the friendship beyond just platonic friends. We were now friends, but more so than friends.
Nothing much happened, other than that. We talked a bit more about ourselves, but when the time came for him to leave, we shook hands and he left. Granted, there were a few extra seconds than normal to our handshake, but hardly what one would expect from two people who were, supposedly, in love. If it weren't for the hug, I'd have assumed that the visit was a lost cause.
I mean, don't get me wrong; I wasn't assuming anything would happen, like...you know...sexual, but...well...It was kind of hard to explain. When he left, I was pretty happy, but I tended to dwell on that one, awkward hug that we shared. When I saw Chris the next day at school, I wasn't sure how he was going to react to me. Maybe, when he left my place, he was silently wondering to himself why we hugged and, hopefully, I wouldn't remember it the next day. Chris was a strange guy, it was true, and my experience with love was limited to a 6 and a half year obsession with Aaron, and a brief, apparently one-sided, affair with Shawn, but I was sure that most loves usually proceeded faster than ours had. From the day that I first told Chris that I loved him, until the day that we first hugged, it was about two months. Somewhat retarded progression, if you asked me. Again, I'm not saying that Chris and I should be sleeping together, sexually or non-sexually, by that point, but two months and only one hug...something wasn't right. Then again, it was a really nice hug.
The next day, at school, I sat in the cafeteria in between classes. I had seen Chris, but had done my best to ignore him. I had decided, beforehand, that I was going to let him come to me. If he had felt as much as I had, the previous day, than he would come to me and want to talk about it. I had a two hour break and I had already spent forty-five minutes of it, sitting in the crowded cafeteria and watching the stupid college kids walk by. Finally, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Chris, as he walked in. Just to let him know that I was there, I turned my head and made eye contact with him. Spotting me, I saw him smile and make his way over.
"Hey" He said, sitting down on the bench across from me.
Wanting to try something, and forgetting my earlier promise, I replied, "Hey, sweetie. What's new?"
He paused for a second, before smiling and shrugging, tossing his hair back, "Sweetie? Umm..Nothing really, I guess. You seemed like you didn't want to talk to me today, so I wasn't sure about...I mean, is anything wrong?"
I smiled and shook my head, "Nothing. I mean, I was kind of wondering, if you don't think this is a strange question, what you thought about yesterday."
"I had a good time." Chris replied, "It was nice to see your place and spend time with you outside of school."
I nodded, but asked, "That's good. I was wondering, though, what you felt about yesterday when...you know...we hugged?"
Chris's smile lessened and he asked, "Why? What did you think about it?"
I nodded, deciding this being the best time to be honest, and replied, "I really enjoyed it, Chris. I was good to be close to you, since we are in love, after all."
Chris nodded, "I agree. I was sort of worried that you'd think we were too forward."
I shook my head, "No, I don't think we were. In fact, I was sort of hoping we could do more hugging."
"Really?" Chris replied, "I...umm...I sort of had a dream about you last night. We were kinda hugging and...well...some other stuff too, I guess."
I couldn't help smiling, "You dreamt about me? That's so cool. I think I must have dreamt about you sometime too. What other stuff were we doing?"
Chris shrugged and looked down at the ground, I could see the look on his face, and I got my answer. "It's okay, Chris." I said, "I don't mind."
Chris looked up again, "You don't?"
I shrugged, "Of course not. I kinda...ummm...I mean, I've thought about...that kind of stuff too. I mean, regarding you."
Chris smiled slightly, "Well, that makes me feel better. I mean, I don't think it was because I want to have sex with you. I mean, I don't know...maybe later. I just really enjoyed the being close to you and...I think...Yeah, it was a good dream, but I don't remember all of it."
A thought hit me, and I felt myself say it, before I even had a chance to think it over a bit more. "Chris," I said, "would you be my boyfriend?"
Chris's small smile disappeared. He sat silent for several seconds, as I wondered what the heck I'd just said that for.
"Your boyfriend?" He repeated.
I nodded and shrugged, "Yeah, I mean, we wouldn't have to go around school, kissing and everything. We are already, technically, a couple, but I wanted to make it official."
Chris shrugged, "I kinda just like talking to you and being your friend. I mean, sometimes I'd like to be close to you too, but...I dunno."
"We'd still be friends." I replied, "Nothing would really change between us. We'd still doing what we've always done, but...I mean, I love you, and you say you love me. I couldn't imagine going out with anybody else. I more than love you, Chrissie. I'm in love with you."
Chris nodded, "I don't want to go out with anybody else, either. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you too, Dave, but I think I need some time to think this over a bit. I mean, I know nothing would really change, but...I don't want to make a mistake. If we're going to be boyfriends, I want everything to work out between us."
"I nodded, and...I understand." I replied, feeling somewhat dejected.
Chris saw the slight sadness in my face, and, looking around to make sure nobody was looking, reached across the table and put his hand gently over my hand.
"Dave, I'm in love with you, okay. I just need a day or two to think about this, but I'm pretty sure that my answer will be yes."
I nodded, feeling a few tears glistening in my eyes, as Chris slowly got up and walked away, presumably to his next class. I watched him leave, before I, too, stood up and walked solemnly in the direction of my next class. This was going to be a very long day or two for me.