Transitions
"Ain't she a beauty?"
"She's the first live 4-H project I've seen, so I gotta take yer word for it."
Nate gave the animal a pat on the back and continued proudly. "She's a Hereford-Angus market heifer, a little over a year old, and I've been raisin' her for the fair since last fall. She's well-muscled and market-ready, and I bet she'll win first prize." He grimaced slightly as the black and white heifer turned her head and licked his face with her rough tongue.
"What's her name?"
Rusty gave me a look of exasperation. "Ya don't give a name to somethin' yer gonna eat."
"I thought Nate was gonna sell her. Isn't that part of the plan in showin' her at the fair?"
"Yeah, that's the plan, but Rusty's right. I'm raisin' her for somebody else to eat." Nate's voice had trembled slightly, and he paused briefly.
"So I ain't gonna give her a name. That ain't how it's done."
Rusty changed the subject. "You said you were gonna go with Grams and Gramps to see Logan. When's that gonna happen?"
Nate suddenly became subdued. Rusty noticed. I knew why, but of course I couldn't talk about it. If Nate hadn't told Rusty any details, it wasn't my place to do it. The tightrope walking was becoming tiring.
"Let's see, today's Tuesday, July 6. Day after tomorrow."
"Do ya know if he's comin' home? I know Grams and Gramps miss him."
"I don't have any idea. I'll probably find out on Thursday."
Nate had turned, pulled up the hood on his sweatshirt, and was leading his heifer into the barn.
Rusty appeared downcast. "I shouldn't have mentioned Logan. He seems okay with workin' for Gramps, but mention Logan and he clams up. It happened the other day when I was talkin' with him. I changed the subject, and he was okay again."
The silence grew as I didn't respond.
"I know, ya can't talk about it."
I jumped down off the rail fence where Rusty and I had been sitting.
"Yeah, and I can't even talk about why I can't talk about it. I gotta go home now."
I got on my four-wheeler and took off, spinning the wheels slightly on the gravel road as I drove away. Maybe if I left Rusty and Nate alone for a while, Nate would open up, but I doubted it. This business of keeping secrets was a pain in the ass.
I was up with the sun Thursday, and after a shower Mom fixed breakfast for me. My substitute grandparents were in our driveway at seven o'clock as planned. Their new ranch hand had settled in, and they were comfortable leaving the ranch in his hands for the day.
Grams got out of the car. "Good morning, Toby. You can ride up front and talk with Robert if you want to."
I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "That's kind of you, but I'll be happy in the back seat. You'll be more comfortable in front."
I got in the back behind Grams. The other half of the seat was piled high with Logan's clothing. That was my first clue he was going to be in Twin Falls for a long time. My spirits fell along with my hopes that he would be coming home soon.
There was little conversation during the three-hour trip. Each of us was lost in our own thoughts. I was struggling between wanting to see Logan and wishing I hadn't come along. I still had feelings for him, but they'd been battered badly by the recent events. I wanted him to come home, if only for his grandparents' benefit, but I didn't have any idea how I would interact with him now. I wondered how one could be in love with two people at the same time. Maybe I wasn't in love at all.
The gray overcast sky, unusual for mid-summer, did nothing to improve my spirits. I watched the flat south-Idaho country go by, irrigated fields interspersed with dry-land wheat and grazing land. I was happy we lived near the mountains. Even the landscape here was depressing.
We turned south off the interstate onto Highway 93. Crossing the Perrine Memorial Bridge into the town of Twin Falls, the scenery was briefly spectacular again as I looked down at the Snake River in the deep canyon below. Then we were in town, and soon turning east. A few miles out of town, we turned into a long driveway which ended at a modest ranch house surrounded by the usual barn and outbuildings.
Logan was sitting on the porch step. As we drove in, he stood up, nervously ran his hand through his hair, and then put his hands in his pockets as if he didn't know what to do with them. He waited quietly as the rest of the family came out of the house and approached the car.
The first to arrive were twin boys who looked to be about ten years old. As Grams and Gramps got out of the car, the boys ran from one to the other for a hug and a kiss. The boys were followed by a man and woman in their early forties who also greeted Grams and Gramps warmly.
I got out of the car last, and stood by feeling as nervous as Logan looked. Gramps noticed, and called me over.
"Toby, I would like you to meet my cousin Kevin and his wife Ann. And yes, Kevin is my first cousin, the youngest son of my aunt who was only a couple years older than me. And these young lads are Evan and Ryan."
I shook hands with the adults as the boys, suddenly shy, stood a distance away. "I'm pleased to meet you."
There was a brief awkward silence as Logan approached. Ann broke the silence.
"Toby, why don't you come into the kitchen for something to drink. And then the boys are anxious to show you around the ranch."
We left Grams and Gramps to visit with Kevin and Logan. They had things to discuss without interference from the rest of us.
As I sat at the kitchen table and ate several homemade cookies along with my glass of water, Ann asked polite questions about my family and me. Nothing was mentioned of the events of the past couple of weeks, and I quickly realized that as far as the boys were concerned, Logan was a beloved cousin who, to their delight, had come to live with them for a while. It was clear they saw him as a big brother who was giving their lives a new dimension.
I stood and thanked Ann for the cookies. Having overcome their shyness, the boys each grabbed a hand and pulled me out into the yard and towards the barn. What they wanted to share most were their 4-H projects. Ryan was raising rabbits and Evan chickens, and not just ordinary ones in either case. I was quickly overwhelmed with too much information about breeds of chickens and rabbits, and why they'd chosen these, and how they were cared for, including breeding details.
I listened attentively and absorbed as much as I could, occasionally asking a question. The twins were delighted to educate Logan's city-bred friend about country life.
We'd just about exhausted the tour of the farm buildings and equipment when Logan showed up.
"Boys, yer mother would like ya to go to the kitchen and help her get lunch ready."
"Okay," they said dejectedly. It was clear they would have preferred to stay with Logan and me.
Logan and I watched the boys race each other to the house before sitting down side by side on a bale of hay. Logan broke the awkward silence.
"Thanks for comin' along today, Toby. I asked Grams and Gramps to bring ya. We gotta talk."
"I was glad to come. I wanted a chance to see you, too. Thanks for trustin' me to do things right when ya had to leave."
Logan looked down at his feet. "Thanks for cleanin' up the mess I left. I hated to dump all of that shit on ya, but you were my only hope."
I moved on to another topic. "I guess yer gonna be stayin' here for a while."
"Yer right about that. For now I'm confined to the ranch with limited trips to town. I'm officially on probation, in Kevin's custody. It helped that he was already in the Department of Corrections mentoring program."
"So when do you expect to come home?"
Logan was silent for a while. "This is home now. I'll be workin' on the ranch for Kevin, and when school starts I'll be finishing high school and starting college at the same time under the Idaho Early College Program. For the next several months, I'll be confined to the local area, except for school agricultural field trips. I hope to come visit Grams and Gramps for Christmas vacation. That's up to the court."
That spelled it out clearly. Life was changing for Logan.
Logan saw the tears running down my cheeks. He reached over and took my hand. "Please don't cry, Toby. It's the best solution for everyone right now. I gotta be away from the trouble I helped cause. I need a new start, and so do all the other victims. I'm so sorry it didn't work out better between us. I really love you, ya know."
I wiped my tears away. "I know that now, and I love you, too. You'll always be my friend and important to me, but I also understand we gotta go our separate ways."
I looked up at the tears in Logan's eyes as he replied. "I told ya before, Rusty is right for you. I might have been under other circumstances, but that didn't happen. When you two are together, I can see and feel the bond between you. Stick with him, Toby, and ya won't go wrong."
I squeezed his hand. "Thanks for sayin' that." I managed a weak smile.
"You've always been so very practical."
Logan squeezed back. "I've got one more request. Actually, I already made the request, but I didn't know how long it would be for. Please look after Grams and Gramps for me. They love you as a grandson as much as they love me. Please fill my place for me."
I sniffled. "I'll do my best. They're very important to me, too."
Logan had one more thing. "By the way, do ya still have yer John Deere cap?"
I managed a weak smile. "Yeah, I do."
"Good. Wear it. You earned the right to. And think of me when ya put it on each day."
I smiled through new tears. "I'll do that."
We both stood up and gave each other a big hug. Logan looked at me.
"We oughta go to lunch now, and a quick stop at the outside sink to wash our faces might be a good idea, too. By the way, the twins don't know anything about the events leading up to my livin' with them, so it's a completely taboo topic here. Only Kevin and I discuss what we need to in private."
"I'd guessed that, but thanks for spellin' it out. Let's go to lunch. It's time to move on."
Lunch was fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, and apple pie for dessert. The conversation centered around crops, farm machinery, and what the price of wheat was likely to be.
After lunch, I helped Logan carry his belongings from the car to the house. Then Logan and I played soccer with the boys for an hour or so.
Kevin came out of the house. "Logan, do you want to show Toby and your grandparents the college?"
Logan's face lit up with a smile, something I hadn't seen in a long time.
"Yeah, that would be a great idea!"
The four of us piled into Kevin's minivan and drove into town. As we drove into the campus area in the center of town, Logan pointed out the various buildings where he would be taking classes and described the outlying research areas where he would be getting practical experience. I'd never seen him so excited and animated, and I was happy for him. This change had been a long time coming, and it would be good for him.
Then it was time to go home.
I hugged Logan tightly and whispered, "You'll always be my friend."
"The same with you, ranch-hand Toby. Now, go home and do what ya gotta do."
There wasn't much conversation on the way home either. I fell asleep within fifteen minutes and didn't wake up until Gramps pulled into a drive-through on the outskirts of Boise for a quick dinner.
It was dusk when we turned into my parents' driveway. The clouds had moved off to the southeast, and the few remaining to the west provided a spectacular sunset. Grams got out and gave me a goodbye kiss, and Gramps hugged me. "Thanks for going along, Toby. It was important for Logan, and for Lucy and me, too."
I hugged him back. "It was important for all of us. Now, be sure to call me when ya need more help. I'll be unhappy if ya don't."
Gramps smiled. "You can count on it."
I waved goodbye as they drove away, and then slowly walked into the living room.
"Hi, Mom and Dad. It was a long day. I'm headed for bed."
I went to my room and sat on the edge of the bed, my head down, thinking about the day, trying to make sense of it all. Suddenly, life was nearly overwhelming.
There was a knock on the door, and my mom's voice. "May I come in, Toby?"
"Sure."
Mom sat down beside me. "Do you want to talk about your day?"
"Logan will be stayin' in Twin Falls. He may never come home, except for vacations."
Mom took my hand. "You still love him, don't you?"
Tears were running down my cheeks. "Yeah, I do. How can I be in love with two guys at the same time?"
Mom smiled slightly. "Your first love is special. Even when you both move on to other relationships, it's still very important."
"Logan said that Rusty is right for me. Right now I don't know if anyone is right for me."
Mom kissed my cheek and wiped away my tears. "Who is right for you is for you to decide, not Logan, not your dad or me. I know you'll figure it out, but if you want to talk about it, I'm always here for you."
I squeezed Mom's hand. "Thanks. I appreciate that."
I watched Mom leave and then undressed and crawled into bed. I had a lot to think about, and it wouldn't leave my mind. Then I knew what to do.
I got dressed, and in the growing darkness I walked across the road to my favorite swimming hole and thinking place. Sitting in the grass, the murmur of the creek and the night sounds of crickets soothed my spirit. Occasionally, a bat flew by, feeding on night insects. I jumped slightly as someone quietly dropped down on the grass beside me.
"How'd ya know I was here?"
"C'mon, don't ask silly questions. I know you better than ya know yerself."
We sat in silence for a few minutes.
"Rough day?"
"Yeah, it was."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Logan isn't comin' home. He's stayin' in Twin Falls to start college. What's good is that he's excited about his new life. He'll be okay."
"And the bad?"
"It's gonna be hard on Grams and Gramps for a while."
"Is that all?"
"Yes ... Okay, I'm gonna miss him, too."
"Yer still in love with him, aren't ya?"
I was silent for a few moments. "Let me quote my mom: 'Your first love is special. Even when you both move on to other relationships, it's still very important'. I've moved on."
Rusty leaned over and gave me a kiss. "Yer mom is a smart lady. I'll see ya tomorrow."
Then he was gone, as quietly as he'd come. I smiled thoughtfully. Yeah, he knew me better than I knew myself. He also knew when I needed to be alone, and that I would be fine in the morning.
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