Ra Adventures

RA Adventures (C) KV 2000

If you're offended by sexual activities between men, or if you're younger than 18, it is my (sad) duty to ask you to leave. If you're over 18 and meant to be here, please, kick back, relax and enjoy!

Chapter 13

When I woke up my head did indeed throb. I looked over at the clock on the bedside table and it read 2:30pm. I sat up with a start. We had a little over three hours to get ready and get to the airport. The sitting up jarred me a little more than it should have, and the headache became a little sharper.

I then realized that I was in Clint's bed, alone. I tossed back the sheet and was more than a little surprised to notice that I wasn't wearing anything. I remembered undressing, but I didn't remember taking it *all off. I must have been a little farther gone than I had thought.

I looked over to see Clint asleep on the sofa. He was bare from the waist up and, if the other night had been any indication, he was sleeping in the nude again. Maybe it was just something he did at home. Maybe he did it at the apartment, too. I didn't know, but it was nice to think about.

I glanced over his torso, caressing it with my eyes, and then I remembered the little bimbo from the night before sitting on his lap. I remembered his hands roaming over her body. I was disappointed. It wasn't one of those disappointments that happen for good reason. It was just stupid. Whatever. But it was definitely there. I wasn't angry anymore; I was beyond that. Right.

I got up and my head spun in that way it only does with a class A hangover. I braced myself against the wall and closed my eyes to steady myself. I opened them again, feeling a little surer on my feet, and went to the bathroom for my shower.

I had the place to myself the entire time...no interruptions or anything, and it was almost unnerving. I had that sinking feeling I got in my stomach when it was time to come home from vacations. It was fun while it lasted, but it was over. Holding on wouldn't do anything but make you look pathetic. I finished showering, dried myself off and walked back into the room.

The more I thought about the night before, and the clearer the memories became, the more pissed-off I got. Yeah, right, he was done with one-night stands. Sure. First little piece of ass that throws itself his way and he's like a frog on a June bug. I was acting like he owed me something -- like I had some staked claim that was being contested. Get a grip, Kev, and quit being such a fucking emotional pussy. I let the anger wash over me and I didn't fight it back.

Clint was still asleep on his back and breathing softly. I slipped into some comfortable clothes and started stuffing things into my suitcase. It suddenly irritated me that he was still asleep. Why did *I always have to be the responsible one? I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him more gently than I wanted to.

"Wake up," I said dryly. "It's almost three o'clock. We have to get ready."

I let him go and started folding up the clothes and stuffing them back into my suitcase. I saw him look over at me from the corner of my eye, but I didn't look back.

I finished putting things into my bag and walked toward the door.

"I'm going downstairs to get something to eat. Feel free to grab a shower sometime today. " I said as I walked out the door. My neck twitched like it always did when I felt like I was being a jerk for no good reason. My reason was fine. Besides, I didn't owe him anything either.

I took a deep breath to clear my head and walked down the rest of the stairs. It wasn't everybody else's fault I was being an asshole. I found Mr. and Mrs. Tucker sitting in the great room talking. They greeted me warmly and shooed me off into the kitchen where Mary had knowingly left us pre-served plates we could just pop in the microwave. I smiled and wished I'd been able to say goodbye to her. I poured myself a drink and sat at the table and enjoyed the view one last time. The weather was a big improvement from the day before and it made me feel a little better. The sun had burned off the remaining clouds, leaving the yard looking green still, though I knew that would soon fade. There were more leaves on the ground, but there was still that brilliant flash of colors all around that only the New England trees had.

I put my dishes in the sink and walked back through the living room. The senior Tuckers were still sitting on the couch talking. They looked up at me as I walked through and smiled.

"Kevin," Martina said, "would you sit down for a moment, please?"

"Sure," I said as I sat down in a recliner across from them.

"Without being assuming, we'd like to invite you to join us for Christmas," she said. "We have a little house on the water in Fort Lauderdale in which we enjoy spending the holidays." I started to say something but Mr. Tucker held up a hand before I could say anything.

"We realize you will want to spend some time with your family, so you're welcome to come for however long you please," he said. "Just call us and let us know when we can fly you down."

"I...um..." I stammered. "It sounds wonderful. I'll need to see what my family has planned, though." Mr. Tucker smiled warmly.

"Naturally. We would love to have you there," he said. "I'm sure the boys would appreciate it." I laughed and wasn't sure I had removed all the sarcasm from my voice. I hoped they didn't notice.

"Thank you for the invitation," I finally said.

"You are very welcome," said Martina.

"I suppose I'd better finish getting my things together and make sure Clint is up," I said. "Excuse me." They nodded and I climbed back up the stairs.

Little house...right. It would probably be unbelievable...one of those really nice things to think about during the holidays. I'd be sitting at home with the fam thinking that I could be in Fort Lauderdale. They'd say I should have gone, and I'd agree with them, but it'd never happen. Oh well. It was a nice thought anyway. I felt a small pang of regret in the back of my head as I came to that realization. What was a little more regret?

I finished climbing the stairs and stood in front of Clint's closed door. I put my hand on the doorframe and shut my eyes for a second. I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to relax. I composed myself and put my hand on the knob. Just as I did, it turned and the door swung inward, leaving me staring wide-eyed right at Clint.

"Whoa," I said.

"Dude," he said, "we slept *so late. We need to leave in like an hour."

"I know. I just need to finish closing up my bags and I'm ready."

"Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" he asked.

"Was I supposed to?"

"No, I just... Never mind," he said, pushing past me and running down the stairs. I shrugged and walked into the bedroom.

I closed up my bag, which took me a grand total of three minutes. I didn't feel like going downstairs so I walked over to the bed. I stripped the sheets and chunked them into the large hamper in the bathroom. I then made up the bed, which was a considerably easier task without the sheets. I figured somebody else would be re-doing it sometime later, but hey, it gave me something to do. I straightened up the rest of the room and finally stopped in the middle of the room.

I looked around and let the memory soak in. I felt like I was leaving something important in this room. I knew there was nothing missing from my suitcase, but I couldn't put my finger on the emotion. I heard the door from the bathroom open and I turned around to see Dan standing in the doorway. I couldn't help but laugh. His hair was all messed up and he was standing there in a pair of wrinkled boxers.

"Good morning," I said.

"Good...you didn't leave yet."

"Nah. We still have an hour or so before we need to leave for the airport."

"Cool. I guess we slept in a little," he said and chuckled. "Look, I had a really good time getting to know you."

I smiled. "Me too. You should come down and visit sometime."

"Yeah, I'll have to do that real soon."

"Definitely."

"Hey," he said, walking over to me and putting a hand on my shoulder. "Forget about my moron brother. There's better fish out there."

"Thanks for everything, Danny." He smiled and wrapped his arms around me. It surprised me and it took me a minute before I finally hugged him back. "Go back to bed, dude," I said.

He laughed softly and let me go. "I'll see ya around, Kev."

I nodded and smiled. He flashed me one last pearly smile and went back through the bathroom into his room. I walked into the bathroom and noticed my shaving kit on the counter. I was relieved I hadn't made it home without it. That would have been just great. I fished out my toothbrush and did some final cleaning up. I put the kit into my suitcase and decided to take a last look around the room, just in case. With my memory's track record I was betting I'd left something else.

I stood up and zipped my suitcase a few minutes later, satisfied that I'd gotten everything that I was going to get. I grabbed my gear and toted it down the stairs. The great room was empty and Clint was nowhere to be found, so I left my stuff in the foyer and decided to trek up to the other wing and see if I could find Gabe and Michael to say goodbye.

The other 'wing' of the house was equally impressive as the first. The floor was all gray stone tiles. It was extremely classy without being pretentious. It was a great balance. The motif was definitely more Mediterranean. The walls were textured to look slightly rougher. Several paintings hung along the wall across from a string of window evenly spaced down the hall. Sunlight streamed through the windows and lit up the entire walkway. I wished I'd seen it before.

I walked along and found several different rooms. I'd have liked to explore, but I just didn't have the time. I finally found a bedroom with the door open. I poked my head in, but there was nobody in there. I saw things lying around, so I figured they had to be close by. The door was closed to the next room, so I knocked lightly. I heard some rustling around and then the door cracked open.

Gabe saw me and stepped out into the light. He was bare-chested and was wearing some loose flannel pants. He looked great. I tried not to stare, really.

"Hey, sorry to wake you up," I said. "We're getting ready to leave and I was just gonna say bye."

"Oh, suck! Did we sleep that late?" he mumbled groggily.

"Yeah," I said and smiled.

"Let me go get Michael up," he said.

"Nah, let him sleep. Just tell him I said goodbye."

"He'll be pissed I didn't wake him up." He grinned and rubbed his bare arms.

"He'll get over it," I said. "Anyway, you have the number for the apartment. You guys should come visit."

He nodded. "Keep in touch, Kevin. It was good to finally meet you and put a face with the name."

"It's been fun getting to know you." He held out his hand and I took it.

"You guys travel safely," he said as we let go. "Tell Clint goodbye if I don't catch you before you leave."

"Sure thing. See ya, dude," I said.

"Bye," he said and smiled. I turned and walked back down the hall. "Kev," he called. I turned around.

"Yeah?"

He smiled. "Keep your chin up." I smiled back and nodded.

When I got back downstairs Clint was scurrying around. He looked up when he saw me walk in.

"There you are," he said. "Is this all your stuff?"

"That's it," I said.

"Cool. Dad had to run to the office, so we're gonna have to take a cab. Are you about ready?"

"Whenever you are," I said.

"Okay. Well, I'm gonna grab Mom and we'll be off," he said.

"Fine," I said. He looked at me with a little bit of a confused look and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He came down a minute later, suitcase in hand. Mrs. Tucker followed him down the stairs, going over a checklist to make sure he had everything he needed. It made me smile. Moms. After a string of yes-Mother's he finally set his bag down next to mine.

He walked up to Mrs. Tucker and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm so glad you could come," she said. "Call me as soon as you've arrived."

"We will. Love you, Mom."

"I love you too, son," she said and mussed his hair.

She turned to me and smiled before she pulled me into a hug. "Let us know about December," she whispered into my ear. I smiled and nodded.

"Thanks so much for letting me join you," I said.

"The pleasure was ours," she said. "Remember, you're always welcome here."

"I will. Give my best to Mr. Tucker."

Clint put his hand on my shoulder and kneaded it lightly. "You ready?" he asked.

"Yeah. Let's go," I said.

A few more goodbyes were exchanged and soon we were out the door. I grabbed my suitcase and toted it over to the waiting cabbie. I put it in the trunk and opened the back door of the cab to get in.

"You can have shotgun, Kev."

"Nah, it's fine," I said and slid in. I felt the cab shift as Clint loaded his suitcase into the trunk. He got in the front and gave directions to the driver. In no time we were speeding down the same road that had brought us in. Somehow I was a little less excited this time. Clint exchanged a little small talk with the driver, but he and I didn't say anything. Fine with me. I concentrated on being an idiot.

We eventually pulled up to the airport and the cab stopped. I got out and unloaded the suitcases from the trunk as Clint paid the driver. He got out and came around back to get his suitcase. I grabbed mine and started walking toward the door, not bothering to wait for Clint. He caught up to me a couple of steps inside the terminal.

"The hell, dude?! What's up with you today?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said. "Problem?" I asked, turning to look him in the eye.

I kept my face blank and unamused. He frowned.

"Evidently not..." he said and walked up to the check-in counter. I followed him and soon we had our boarding passes and were walking to the gate, neither of us saying anything. We finally got to the gate and sat down. We were there the requisite hour early, so we still had a little while before the flight started boarding. I sat down and Clint sat next to me. I stared out the large panes of glass in front of us, watching the planes taxi around the runways.

"Are you going to tell me what's up or are you just going to sit there?" he finally asked, looking over at me. That 'I'm a jerk' feeling came back, but I wasn't sure I wanted to lose the upper hand. I sat there thinking, not saying anything yet. "Did I piss you off?" he asked.

I looked over at him and stared deep into those blue-gray eyes. I didn't flinch, and I could tell he was getting uncomfortable under the weight of my gaze. I finally looked away, still not saying anything.

"I don't get this at all. I mean, yesterday we're fine and now, all of a sudden, you're all stand-offish," he said. "All I'm saying is if it's me, at least give me a chance to explain."

"Clint, the best thing I can tell you is just to forget about it," I said.

"Yeah, right."

"Seriously. I've made a big thing out of nothing and it's stupid, so just give me a couple hours and I'll try to extricate my head from my ass."

"What was it? I don't care if it's stupid; whatever it was got your boxers in a wad. Spit it out."

"No really. It's not even worth getting into. I'm serious; I'll be fine. Just let me cool off."

"You're not still pissed about that whole conversation with Dan, are you?" he asked.

I spun around and looked at him. "Huh?"

"You know, last night," he said. "I was being an ass. I'm sorry."

"No," I chuckled. "That was just dumb."

"What then? The girl??!"

"What girl?" I asked.

"The one last night."

"What one last night?" I asked trying to seem noncommittal.

"That's it, isn't it?" I didn't say anything. "Why that?"

"I told you it was stupid," I said.

"Seriously though, why that?"

"I dunno, dude. You just broke up with one of my best friends. I don't know...it, it just..." I trailed off. He just looked straight ahead, mulling it over, from the looks of it. "Hey, I said don't worry about it. It's really retarded. Okay?" I said.

He nodded a little and finally turned and gave me a half smile. Just then, the airline person came on the speaker and told us that they'd begin boarding our rows. We walked up to the front and handed the lady our boarding passes. We followed the long corridor to the plane still without saying anything. I clapped Clint on the shoulder right before we got on.

"Seriously, forget about it. It's no big deal." He looked back at me and nodded.

Our plane touched down a couple hours later, and pretty soon we were waiting for our bags to make their way around the carousel. The return flight had been pretty quiet, but at least it hadn't seemed so uncomfortable. I hadn't asked for an explanation of the night before, so I didn't get one. Only fair, I guess. I was still disappointed, though. It was the easier emotion to deal with. I didn't like to think about it too much, because when I did, I felt small inside. It wasn't something I was accustomed to at all.

The cab ride home was a little better, with at least a little small talk here and there, as well as some discussion of what we were going to be doing over the next several days. Truthfully, I just wanted to get home and lie down on my bed, in my room. I needed more "time to think". It was starting to sound old, even to me...or only to me...whatever. Point was, my bed.

The cab pulled into our complex's driveway and I paid as Clint unloaded the trunk. We lugged our suitcases up the flight of stairs and I unlocked the apartment. I pushed open the door and stepped in. Ahh, home. There was just something about coming home to your own house. I pulled my suitcase to my room and left it in the middle of the floor. The next thing I knew I was facedown on my bed, wearing nothing but my boxers. The sheets felt cool and inviting, and I slipped away as the Sandman worked his magic dance.

I walked into the living room and walked over to the sofa. When I went to sit down I noticed that it was different. The whole room had been redone, sort of. The couches were cushy white fabric instead of the black leather we had bought. There was a strange painting hanging on the far wall that I recognized as a Van Gogh I'd seen hanging on the Tuckers wall. I shrugged and sat down.

Chris walked around the corner and sat down beside me. It seemed natural for her to be there. She curled her legs up on the couch and looked over at me, frowning.

"What?" I asked.

"How long have you been gone?" she asked.

"Just a couple of days. Why?"

"It just seems like longer, that's all," she said.

"Oh," I said. "So, how's Boston?"

"How long are you going to let other people write your life story, Kevin?" she asked.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. I was confused. The room didn't feel like my living room anymore. The sofa was strange and felt big.

"Don't play dumb, Kevin," she said, rolling her eyes at me. "Ask him. He'll tell you." She pointed at Matt, who was sitting across from us. He got up and started pacing behind in behind the loveseat.

"Ask you what?" I said.

"Ask me why you're being a little boy, Kevin. Ask me why you'll never love anybody. Ask me why I won't love you back," he said.

I felt a wad of emotions knot in my stomach and clench my throat. "What are you talking about? You know that's not true. I don't understand."

"Of course you don't. That's just like you," he sighed. "I wish you weren't so dense sometimes." He turned around and stared at the Van Gogh, which looked different. It was like I couldn't remember exactly what it had looked like a few minutes ago, but I could tell it was different.

"Why are you being like this?" I asked finally.

"The best thing is just for you to forget about it. Why don't you just cool off. Settle down. It's not for you to worry about," he said. He turned around and it was Clint's face that was looking back at me. He was nude from the waist up and was dripping with water. He gave me a halfway grin and put his hand on his chest.

"You did want my body that day. I saw you," he said. "Michael told me about you that night he called. He told me about how you looked at me. Quit chasing rainbows, Kev," he said and smirked at me. It made my stomach sink further. It wasn't a nice smirk. "It's getting pathetic." He walked down the hall. Chris leaned over and turned out the lamp sitting beside her.

The darkness flooded around me and I opened my eyes. There was a dim light coming from under the door and I realized I was still in the bed. I felt cold and pulled the covers up over my head. The world felt really dark and I didn't want to get out of bed. All of a sudden, it felt a lot more like winter in my bed. I stared up at the ceiling and went back to sleep.

I woke up to the alarm clock beeping. I opened my eyes and was relieved to see sunshine behind the blinds. Sometimes I hated dreams. Lately they hadn't been good either. I turned back over and picked up my fussy alarm clock. I hit the button and turned it off. I didn't remember setting it, but it wasn't an unwelcome wakeup. I still felt that uneasy feeling in my gut. It was only a dream, but the feeling it left was real enough.

The phone rang and I leaned up and snatched it off the base.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey! How was turkey day with the Tuckers?" came back a friendly voice.

"Hey Matt!" I mumbled. "It was okay. What are you doing?"

"Nothing, dude. Are you up?" I laughed into the phone. "I guess not," he said, chuckling.

"Well, I'm up to get the phone," I said.

"You're crazy. Anyway, get dressed. We're going to the trace to run."

"Seriously? Cool."

"Yeah. I'll pick you up in fifteen minutes."

"See ya then."

"All right, bro. Bye."

"Bye," I said and clicked the phone up. I fell back into bed and sighed. Suddenly the sheets were warm and comfortable again. I smiled and rolled out. I slipped on a pair of wind suit pants and a t-shirt and went to the bathroom to take care of the basics. I finished washing my face and brushing my teeth and had enough time to down a banana before I walked outside to see Matt's shiny Trans Am sitting in the parking lot.

He smiled as I walked up, and I was instantly in a better mood. Count on Matt to pep me up. I opened the door and slid in.

"Hey bud!" I said, grabbing his hand in our usual handshake/grab thing.

"Whassup? Good to see ya," he said, smiling.

"You too. Let's get out on the trail."

He just nodded and put the car into gear. Ten minutes later we pulled into a little parking lot along the trace. The trace extended up through our state and into several others. It was wooded enough to be quaint and relaxing, but not so much that you felt like you were running through a forest.

We got out and went through some preliminary stretches catching up on the little things that had been going on. I pulled my leg back with my hand to stretch my quads and Matt was leaning over to stretch his hamstrings. He was always noncommittal about stretches until he'd pulled his left hamstring our freshman year.

It'd been a mess. I remembered dragging him back a mile and a half with his arm over my shoulder hopping back. It was awkward because a good six inches taller than me. We had sweated and grunted out, but the memory of it made me smile.

"Why did we ever stop coming here?" I asked. He leaned all the way over and smiled at me upside-down through his legs. I cracked up.

"I dunno, dude. I guess we got busy," he said.

"That really sucks," I said. "Remember when we used to say that we'd always make time for things like this?"

He straightened up and put one arm on his shoulder to balance while he pulled his foot back. "Yeah. But we're here. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Yeah. I guess it does," I said. He smiled and turned his cap backwards. He nodded to the trail and we jogged off.

We didn't say anything else for the next several minutes. We concentrated on breathing and on getting into a rhythm. After a couple of minutes we fell into sync and it was like getting on a bike after a long time. You always remembered. He noticed it and turned his head to smile at me.

"We've still got it, dude," he said. I laughed breathily from the jogging and nodded. "OK, so spill it. Why was this weekend just okay?"

I jumped over a root and fell back into the pattern. "I had a feeling you'd catch that." He smiled and shrugged, which just made me laugh. "We had a good time. His family was great...they're really nice people," I said.

"...And?"

"And nothing. We had fun," I said. "I dunno, I got into a weird mood yesterday and that was kinda my last impression." He just looked over at me and raised an eyebrow. I sighed and we jogged on for a little while not saying anything. "I had a really weird dream last night," I finally said.

"And I suppose you're even gonna tell me about it too, huh?" he said. I looked over to see him grinning. I laughed and punched him in the arm and ran ahead a few yards. He laughed and caught up with me. "Okay, tell me."

"It was bizarre. I dreamt Christi was at the house and I went into the living room to talk to her," I said. "I mean, you know, it was *supposed to be my living room but it was different." He nodded. "Well, anyway, she starts acting all weird and tells me I need to talk to you." He looks over at me and gives me this confused look.

"I know, right? So I look over and you're just sitting there. Then you start asking me all these weird questions, like do I know why I'm a little boy, and why am I never going to love anybody and then you ask me something like, did I know why you don't love me back. It was just weird."

We jogged on and I could see him thinking it over. "That is weird," he said.

"I know. It just kinda got weirder after that. It freaked me out. I dunno," I said. He nodded.

"You don't really think that, do you?" I asked, looking straight ahead.

After I asked it I realized that if he did, I didn't really want to hear it.

"Huh? Wha.. no! Don't be dense," he said. I whipped around and just stared at him. "What?!" he said.

"That was just one of the things you said that in the dream, dude. That's not even funny," I said. He grabbed my shoulders and stopped me. We just stood there, facing each other, panting a little from the running.

"Kevin. Dream or no dream, you know I don't think that."

"I'm glad," I said. I looked up into his green eyes and he smiled softly, sweat running down his forehead onto his cheeks. His deep red hair curled out under the cap, wet from the run. His skin was flushed and it made his freckles stand out. I reached up and rubbed a bead of sweat off his cheek. I pulled my hand down and took a step back and let out a deep breath I'd forgotten I was holding. "C'mon, let's go back and get lunch," I said. I turned around and started jogging back. When I'd gone about twenty feet I heard him start moving. He sprinted up to me and we fell back into sync.

We concentrated on just enjoying the run, and soon enough we were almost at the parking lot again. We slowed down to a walk and cooled down for a little while. We repeated our stretch routine still without really saying anything.

I finished stretching first and walked over to Matt. "What do you want to eat for lunch?" he asked while he pulled his arm behind his head.

"Something healthy, I think," I said. "If we had something fried I think I'd feel really dumb." He laughed and nodded.

"Well, while you were up north you must have forgotten that we don't have healthy places to eat here in the South." We both kept laughing.

"Will you settle for a Subway?" I asked.

"Sure," he said, grinning. We jumped in the car and were speeding down the road when it occurred to me that we were not exactly in the best condition to go out to eat.

"Um...do you think maybe we should go back to my place and get cleaned up first?" I asked.

"Oh yeah," he chuckled, "I suppose that would be a good idea. You got anything I can fit into?"

"I think we can find something."

"Cool."

A few minutes later we were pulling into my complex again, instead of the Subway. I unlocked the door and Matt followed me in.

"You think we should ask Clint if he wants to join us?" he asked quietly.

"Nah. I'm sure he's already eaten anyway."

"Oookay..." he trailed off.

"You gonna shower?" I asked. He took the hint and started walking back to my room. "You know where everything is. Help yourself." He gave me a backwards wave in acknowledgment without turning back around.

I went to grab a glass of water from the fridge and I heard the water running in the bathroom. I walked back toward Clint's room. His door was cracked open, but not enough for me to see in so I pushed it softly. The bed was tussled but empty. I had no clue where he had gone. I suppose I hadn't left a note either. I saw his still unpacked suitcase on the floor and for some reason my stomach knotted. I remembered sitting with him in the great room for breakfast, and I remembered how much fun we'd had that first night. I walked out and pulled the door to behind me.

I went into the bedroom and stepped out of my shoes. I threw my socks on top of the dirty clothes hamper and heard the water shut off. I opened my suitcase and tossed the clothes on top of the hamper with the socks. My mother would kill me if she saw it. The bathroom door open and Matt stepped out.

"Next," he said. He walked out wearing just a towel. I grabbed a looser pair of my boxers and tossed them to him. He chuckled. "Oh yeah. Guess I will be needing those." I rolled my eyes and walked in the bathroom.

I came out feeling cleaner and ready to go. Clint had picked out a pair of my looser cargo pants that were big enough for his larger frame as well as an oversize t-shirt. He pulled it off and it somehow went together in a very frat boy type of look. I dropped the towel and slid into a clean pair of boxers.

"So where is Clint, anyway?" he asked. I pulled on some jeans and buttoned them. I looked at Matt in the mirror.

"Who knows," I said, and pulled on an undershirt.

"Did you guys have a fight or something?" he asked.

"No. I've just been kinda pissy."

"Uh huh..." he said sarcastically. "Hurry up, I'm starving."

I pulled on a polo shirt and straightened my hair a little. "Kay, let's go."

After grabbing sandwiches, we spent the rest of the afternoon trying to decide what we should do. We finally settled on a movie, since it'd been a while since either of us had seen one. After much standing around, we chose a comedy, and it was the right choice. When it was over Matt drove me back to the apartment.

"It was good to hang out," I said.

"Yeah. I'm gonna be spending a lot of time in clinicals this week, but call me anyway. We'll see if we can't do something a little later."

"Sounds like a plan," I said and smiled. I opened the door and got out.

"Take care of yourself, Kevin," he said.

I looked down at him through the open door. "I will," I said, and shut the door. I jogged up to the apartment and let myself in.

There was still no sign of Clint. I shrugged to myself and went back to the room. It was early, but I was sleepy for some reason. I decided to get a head start on what I knew would be a shitty day at the office and go to sleep. I was turning into an old fart!

I got ready for bed and decided to check my e-mail before drifting off to la-la land. There wasn't anything of real consequence...a letter from my mom asking why I didn't keep in touch better and a wide assortment of junk mail. I wrote my mom a quick response and gave into a whim and checked the Nifty Archive to see if any of the stories I read had updated. There were a few chapters that I wanted to soak in.

By the time I was a couple of paragraphs through one of the stories I was rock hard in my boxers. The build-up of hormones and tension from the weekend hit me and made my head a little light. I got up and shut the bedroom door. I stripped off my shirt and sat down for a good read. I spread my legs and began stroking the outline of my cock as I read through the story. It felt incredibly good. Every time my hand would reach the head I'd get a jolt. I was armed and ready.

At some point I decided to dispense with the formalities and slid the boxers down to my ankles. My manhood slapped up against my stomach and looked angry and ready. I leaned over, opened my dresser drawer and brought out a small bottle of lube I kept handy. I popped the top and dribbled a thick string down onto the head of my cock. I slid my hand over it, feeling the contrast between the coolness of the lube and the pulsing heat of my prick. I tossed my head back and moaned as my hand slid smoothly down the length of my shaft. I sped up a little, teasing myself. As I did, the lube made slick slurpy sounds that just turned me on more.

I grabbed the bottle again and squirted some onto my hand. I cupped my balls with it and rolled them around in my hand. My hand was still coated in lube, so I drew it up my stomach and chest and pinched my nipples and teased them, my fingers gliding over them easily. I turned my hand to face away from me and gripped my cock and started stroking faster. I was already feeling close, so it wasn't going to take much. Images of Dan's body stepping into the hot tub flashed through my head. I remembered the feel of his tongue in my mouth. I thought about Clint, and I imagined that it was him I had been kissing. I flashed back to the dream and how he had felt lying on top of me. A shiver ran through my body and I knew I was there. I switched grips and twisted my hand as I stroked. I closed my eyes and felt little tremors as my balls drew up tight to my body.

The first jet of jizz shot out from the shiny head of my cock. I groaned and my body tightened up again. The second shot hit me square in the chin and the rest were rapid-fire shots that coated my chest.

I breathed deep and let the sensations ride me. I opened my eyes languidly and looked down. I was positively coated. My hand was sticky with warm white cum. I rubbed my hand along my torso and massaged the cum into my skin, slimy and slick. I took a deep breath and smelled sex. I smiled and licked a glob off my hand. It was slightly warm and tasted sweet and bitter. I exhaled through my teeth and returned to reality.

I got up and sauntered into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and rinsed off quickly, taking just enough time to wash my body off. I brushed my teeth and then fell into bed, not bothering to put anything on. What the hell, I figured. If Clint was doing it here, then why wouldn't I? I set my alarm clock properly and flipped off the light before drifting off to a deep sleep.

Chapter 14

I woke up five minutes before the alarm was set to go off feeling refreshed and quite well rested. I rolled out of bed and walked into the bathroom. The shower was the midpoint between asleep and awake for me. Without it I was a vegetable...a refreshed vegetable perhaps, but a vegetable nonetheless. I got out feeling much more awake and ready to hit a nasty Monday.

I opened my door and walked down the hall. I passed Clint's room and I noticed that his door was also shut. I lightly ran my fingers over the door and sighed. At least he was home, I thought. I toasted a bagel and downed a glass of OJ before heading out the door to work.

Work, as usual, was exhausting. I did my best to catch up with the mounds of paperwork on my desk and still be coherent enough to meet with clients and sound quasi intelligent. My previously chipper mood helped me make it through the day intact. The mood, however, did not fare as well. By the time the day ended I just wanted to curl up and die for a few days. The office cleared out quickly, like it usually did on Monday afternoons. Nobody wanted to be around longer than was necessary. I packed up my briefcase and locked my office behind me.

I trudged down the stairs and walked out into the parking lot. I spotted my car and walked mindlessly down the sidewalk. I saw a sporty gray Audi that reminded me of Clint's car. I glanced at it and then did a double-take. I looked back to see the man himself leaning against the car, big grin plastered on his face. It made me smile and I walked over to him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Nice to see you too," he said. He pulled his silver sunglasses away from his eyes and put them on top of his head. Silver sunglasses to match the silver car...how very...Clint. He looked great. "I thought you might like to get away after a post-holidays Monday. Besides..." he trailed off.

"You were in the neighborhood?" I asked laughing. He chuckled with me.

"No, what I was going to say was: besides, I didn't want you to still be pissed at me from the other night."

"You're a dork..." I said, opening the back door and tossing my briefcase in. I looked at Clint over the top of the car. "...but I appreciate it."

"Get in," he said. I did, and we backed out and were soon speeding down the road.

"So, where're we going?" I finally asked. Our apartment was the opposite direction from the one we were taking.

"You'll see," he said, and rolled down the windows. The wind whipped through the car and was cool against my skin. The sun had begun to set earlier in the day and was shining a blanket of gold into the car. It was so bright that I could hardly see the road. "Your shades are in the glove, if you want them," he said.

I raised an eyebrow at him and opened the glove compartment. I pulled out a case and retrieved my Oakley's. I slid them on and looked over at him. He kept his eyes on the road, but a smug smile spread across his face.

"Any other little surprises?" I asked.

"Other than the change of clothes in the back seat?"

I laughed. "Yeah, other than those."

He scratched his head and finally shook his head. "Nope. I guess that's it for now." I just kept laughing. He didn't, though, so I finally stopped.

"You're serious, aren't you?" I finally asked incredulously. He gave me his mischievous grin complete with a little shrug and head tilt. I unbuckled my safety belt and turned around. I leaned over the seat and there was a small gym back in the floorboard. I pulled it into the front and sat back down, the bag in my lap. I unzipped it and found a pair of my most relaxed jeans, a t-shirt, my pair of hiking boots, a jacket, socks and a pair of boxers.

"Damn. You've been busy," I said. He let the barest hint of a smile cross his lips. I kept trying to either guess where we were going or get him to tell me. He didn't say a word, and about half an hour later we crossed the state line. I finally shut up and just enjoyed the ride. The waning autumn sun was a far cry from hot, but it was warm through the windshield. The air smelled crisp and fresh. I sat back and shut my eyes, just enjoying the feel of it all.

When I opened my eyes we were starting to drive into hills. A flatlander would have called them mountains, but I knew better. These were just rolling hills that had a lot of green still in them. The sun was making its way quickly down the sky and painting orange, pink and purple lines over the clouds. About fifteen minutes later we turned into some park and started winding around. Finally, we stopped at a little makeshift parking space up close to the top of one of the hills and I noticed that there was a little stream running down in the 'valley'. It was a good drop off, but gorgeous.

"We're here," said Clint.

"Nice, dude. How did you find this place?"

"Word of mouth and I came out here once a couple of years ago," he said. "Get dressed."

We both got out of the car and I stripped out of my work clothes beside the car. I was glad we seemed to be the only people up there. I slid into the jeans and pulled on the t- shirt. Clint walked around to the passenger side of the car while I sat in the seat and pulled on my socks and boots. I finally grabbed the jacket, which was more the pullover type, and stood up. Clint pulled out a backpack and instructed me to follow him down a certain trail. No problem. He was wearing a light gray sweater with a very open neck and green cargo shorts...and he really did have fantastic legs.

We eventually reached a small clearing area along the top of the hill. It was a rocky little outcropping and was shaped like a bowl. There was just enough room for us to sit down at the bottom. Clint unzipped the backpack and pulled out some sandwiches and drinks.

"Aw, honey! You baked!" I said. He didn't give me a happy expression as he handed me the sandwich. I busted out laughing and he joined in. We sat down and enjoyed the food and the view. The little basin thing was shaped so that we could lean against the back and face the valley with the water down below. I soaked it in. Some of the trees were turning, but autumn comes slowly to the South. A lot of the woods were still verdant and very much alive. I could smell the fresh and musky scent that always comes along with areas like this. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"You like?" he asked between bites.

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "It's an incredible view"

"Better than sitting at the house?"

I smiled. "Definitely better than sitting at the house. Thanks, dude." He smiled back.

"You're welcome," he said. "So, does this mean you're not still mad at me?"

"It means I've gone from severely disappointed to just mildly pissed off, I think."

He laughed and punched me in the arm. "All that effort, and for what?" he said, as though complaining to some invisible party.

"For the joy of my exquisite company, of course." I smiled over at him.

"Seriously though, the anger was just silly. I guess on some level I just didn't understand what was going on." His face settled into more serious lines. He took a bite and chewed it slowly.

"Sometimes things just happen, Kev, even when you don't mean them to," he said. "Sometimes I do things that are just temporary solutions. Sometimes I make mistakes."

"I know, and you don't owe me explanations. That's why it was so ridiculous for me to get worked up about it. It's your life and you have to do what you want to."

"Well don't say *that," Clint said. "I want to know what you think about what goes on in my life. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked or cared what you thought."

"Fine. The same goes for me. But I'm still sorry for overreacting." He sat back suddenly, eyes wide. He put his hand up to the middle of his chest and started shaking convulsively.

"Gonna...die! Kevin...apologized!!!" he said, then started laughing hard. I turned and just faced the brook.

"Asshole," I muttered.

"Loosen up, bro. We're cool," he said, clapping my shoulder. "C'mon, let's go walk around a little before we can't see *anything."

"Don't tell me the Boy Scout forgot his Mag-Lite..." I teased. He fished a thin silver light out of his pocket and waved it at me. I groaned and we laughed as we grabbed our gear and walked down a trail a little ways. "Hopefully this little nature expedition will fare better than our last one," I said.

"You know, I've actually been thinking about getting back into rock climbing," he said.

"Don't. You suck at it. Royally."

He chuckled. "Not obsidian, of course."

"And not tonight..." I added.

"No, not tonight. Geez...paranoid?"

"Cautious," I said.

"Fair enough," he said. "Anyway, all of that to see if maybe you wanted to join me."

"And miss a chance to slice open my femoral artery?"

"Seriously. It'd be fun," he said.

How bad could it be? Never mind. Best not to start off thinking about impending doom. How fun could it be? Me, the company of my roommate of ungodly good looks, short shorts, exercise...okay, so it didn't sound so bad after all. "I'm game," I said. He stopped and looked back at me.

"For real?"

"Yeah dude, like, for real," I said in my best surfer accent.

"I'm gonna let that slide because I'm in a good mood," he said.

"You're gonna let it slide because there's just nothing you can do about it, *roomie."

"Nope," he said, shaking his head. "I refuse to be taunted."

We laughed and joked all the way back to the car. After loading our gear into the back I walked around to the passenger side. Clint had opened his door and was just about to get in when I stopped him.

"Hey," I said. He looked up at me over the roof of the car with raised eyebrows. "Thanks...for all of this, I mean." He responded with a little smirk and a small not before disappearing into the car. I joined him and we were off.

After we'd been on the road a good while Clint finally decided to break the monotony of our conversation.

"Look, there is one thing I've been wondering," he said.

"What's that?"

"Why did it piss you off so much that I made out with that girl? I mean, I know you have a special attachment to Chris, but things are pretty much over between us now."

"Pretty much?" I asked.

"You know what I mean."

I nodded and looked down at my feet. "I wish I could give you a better reason. Bottom line is I had no right to get so upset."

"We've had this conversation already. I'm not asking you to justify it or make you feel like you need to. I just know that typically you don't sweat the little things. So, I concluded that for some reason you didn't consider this a little thing. What I'm trying to figure out now is why."

I sighed and massaged my temples. He had a point. It meant he'd given it more thought than I had imagined.

"I'll tell you what I was thinking on the condition that you let it pass as my lunacy, okay?" I said.

He scrunched his eyebrows and gave me a hesitant half-nod. I studied his face for a second before turning back to face ahead.

"One time, a long time ago, we talked about one-night stands and you said you'd had enough of them. I knew *exactly what you meant. My 'relationships'," I said, drawing imaginary quotation marks in the air with my fingers, "if you can call them that, have been very few and very brief. The hook-ups haven't."

"What? Few or brief?" he asked. I grinned up as he smirked at me.

"Few. Anyway, the point is, a 'hook up' isn't just a trivial thing to me anymore. I just can't seem to do it. Occasionally it somehow happens, but it's just so rarely worth it," I said. "When I saw that chick in your lap I guess I projected my rules and my feelings onto you, and since you were doing something I would have called myself stupid for doing, I called you stupid for it too."

He didn't say anything for a few minutes, leaving me in an awkward silence that I usually interpreted as a desire for further explanation. I didn't offer any.

"Why not just tell me that?" he asked.

"Because!" I said, "What place of mine is it to decide if hooking up is the right or wrong, stupid or not, thing for you to do? You have your own conscience for that. Besides, I hate it when people do it to me."

He nodded, and we both sat in silence mulling over what I'd said to the tune of Bon Jovi in the background.

"Look," I finally said. "Can we just pretend I didn't shove a stick up my ass that night and just bury the proverbial hatchet?"

"Just like that?" he asked. I turned to face him full on.

"What do you mean 'just like that'?"

"I'm just saying it's a bigger deal that you're making it out to be."

"Why? No, it's not a big deal." I said. "Look this is dumb. It's over...not worth thinking about anymore."

"But it was the other day..."

"Yeah, the other day it was a bigger deal. Now we've talked about it, now we're cool, right?" Clint didn't answer. "Look, I just overreacted."

"That's just it, Kev. You don't overreact."

"What, so now I can't overreact?" I was starting to get a little heated.

"You just don't," he said calmly, matter of fact.

"Whatever dude!! That's ridiculous. Everybody overreacts, just like you are now."

"Overreacting happens when we feel something strongly and we react to that emotion without thinking it through," he said.

"And your point?"

"For whatever reason you reacted strongly to seeing me hooking up with that chick."

"We had this conversation already," I said. "This is like the third time you've brought this up. Why does this bother you so much?"

"That's what I wanna know. Why did it bother *you so much?" He paused for a moment. "Kevin, beyond what you told me, I want to know what's going on in your life. I want to understand where you were coming from." We pulled into the apartment parking lot as he was finishing his statement.

"Fine! By the same token, if you're overreacting now I want to know your motivation. I want to understand why you've been acting differently."

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"I mean, if anyone's been different over the past couple of months it's been you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that ever since Christi left -- no, scratch that -- ever since you found out she was leaving and you fell off that damn rock, you've been different," I said.

"Clint, if anything, it's more like I'm wondering why you've been pissed at me. Why drive this other thing into the ground now?"

"Oh whatever, Kevin. Please!"

"Exactly, whatever," I said. "I'm going inside."

Clint said something that I missed and I had to lean back into the car.

"What was that?" I asked.

He turned and looked at me, finally making eye contact. "I said, why won't you just tell me what's bothering you?"

"I'm going inside." I said and shut the door behind me. I walked as calmly up the steps as I could and let myself in. I was doing my damndest not to storm off like I was three years old. I had just chunked my bag into my room when I heard the living room door shut.

"What's going on, Kevin?" he asked. His eyes were intense and I was just getting angrier.

"Nothing. There's *nothing going on," I said shortly. "You're making such a mountain out of a molehill!" I said gesturing widely. "Why can't you just take my answer at face value and just drop this?"

"Bullshit. I don't buy it," he said.

"Fine...it's whatever you wanna think, Clint. There isn't always an underlying issue." Clint just rolled his eyes and moved over to the couch. "What do you want?" I finally asked.

"I want you to level with me!" he said raising his voice.

I matched his tone. "Level with you? Okay, fine! How about you level with me?"

"You ask your questions, then I'll ask mine," he snapped.

"For starters, why didn't you and Christi try to work things out?" I asked. I saw him mouth an 'Oh God' and roll his eyes. "Seriously though, when you have a good thing going, you don't just let it go."

"I know!!" he said.

"So what was the deal? I mean, all I know is that you spent time together...and supposedly you were happy, and I know Chris was sad to leave you. So you both just decided, oh well...it was fun while it lasted?!"

Clint started to open his mouth but I stopped him before he said anything. "But the bottom line is, it's none of my business. It's also none of my business where you've been lately. I don't know what's going on with you either, Clint."

"It is your business, you're my best friend." It hit me like a ton of bricks and my throat knotted again. I took a deep breath and shut up and tried not to let it show in my eyes. "I want you to be involved in my life, Kev. If you wanna know, all you have to do is ask. I mean yeah, we're roommates, but we were friends first. Is it wrong that I want to be your friend too?" he asked. "I mean is that all we are, just friendly acquaintances?"

I shook my head without making eye contact. "No. You're my best friend, too."

"Bullshit!!" he said, almost yelling. It caught me completely off guard and I snapped my head up. His face was starting to flush. "You're *my best friend but..."

I couldn't help but laugh, which didn't let him finish his statement. "What are we, five years old? 'No, I'm your best friend.' What's the difference?"

"There's a big difference," he said. "You won't *let me be your best friend. You won't let me in. If you want to just be roommates that's cool, but that isn't what I thought."

"What do you mean," I asked. He stood up and walked over to me.

"I mean, ever since day one you've been so cool to me. You took an interest in my life. You came to my house for Thanksgiving, for crying out loud. You talk to my family, to Danny, to Mary, to my mom. You fucking saved my life, Kev." I didn't look up, I didn't know what to do. "Which leads me to believe you care about what goes on in my life. It bothers you about Christi and me, and not just 'cause you guys were close in college. It bothers you because you think we were making a mistake. Am I right?" I nodded.

"So why won't you let me care about what is going on in your life? Why do you keep shutting me out? I know there's something going on, Kev. God, give me a little credit."

"There's nothing going on, Clint."

"You are such a liar!!" he yelled at me. My pulse started throbbing in my neck.

"Fuck you, Clint," I pitched my voice as calmly and as seriously as I could manage. "Do not *ever call me a liar!!" I said and turned around to walk away.

He grabbed my shoulder and whirled me around. His jaw was clenched tight, his nostrils flared and his eyes were blazing. I realized I'd never seen Clint angry before. He smashed me back against the wall, his hand gripping the top of my shirt.

"Fuck me?! Oh no, fuck *you, Kevin!!," he shouted. He looked down but still didn't let go of my shirt. "Why are you doing this?" he asked. His voice came out strained and low. "You've never said anything like that to me before," he said before swallowing hard.

"Well, I'm sorry to hurt your *feelings, Clint." I bit off the words and they dripped with sarcasm. He let me go.

I smoothed my shirt and stepped away from him. He put his arm against the wall and just stared at it. I started to walk back down the hall.

"You know," he said softly and I had to top to hear what he was saying.

"That's the first time I've wanted to bash my best friends head into the wall." He straightened up and looked over at me. "Why is that?"

I opened my mouth to say something but he held up his hand and said, "Just shut the hell up for half a minute, *Kevin," he spat my name. I closed my mouth. He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, as if exhaling it anger with it. "I don't know what the hell is going on and much less why you think you have to shut me out of it. Just tell me one thing, though," he said, "and I'll leave you alone.

"What did I *do to you?" he asked. "I keep feeling like I'm responsible for this somehow. How did I wrong you SO badly?" He just stared into my eyes. My stomach knotted up tightly and I had to take a couple deep breaths before I could talk.

"You didn't do anything, Clint," I said softly. "It's not your fault."

He took a couple steps toward me and I made a conscious effort to not back up. "Then why are you so mad at me?"

"I'm not," I said. "Look, I don't want to do this right now." I looked down and started to turn around. I felt exhausted, drained and felt a horrible feeling creeping up from the pit of my stomach. Clint put his hand on my harm, not hurting, hardly even pressing, but his eyes were just as intense as before when I looked up to his face.

"We're doing this now," he said. Arguing had lost its appeal. I looked away as I felt my eyes burn as they began to get full. I was just *not going to fucking cry. He put his hand on my shoulders and I looked back up at him. He saw my face and his expression softened. "Why will you hurt like this and still push me away?" he asked quietly. "Kevin, please, tell me. It's just me, dude."

I looked up at him and soaked him in. He was still a perfect picture and I glanced away. I wondered if he could do anything that would take away from that air that either he had or I had conferred upon him in my mind. His hands on my shoulders started to feel like hot coals melting into my arms. It was so painful because I knew I didn't want this to all be over. I wondered what I'd be feeling ten minutes from that moment. In ten short minutes everything would be different. I looked back into my eyes and put everything I was feeling into them. I could see him formulating something to say, so I decided to speak first.

"I have a rule with questions," I said. He looked at me, waiting for me to continue. "You can ask me whatever you want, but you have to be prepared for the answers. I will answer you honestly, but you have to be able to handle what you ask for," I said. "Deal?" I asked. He nodded. His hands dropped from my shoulders and he leaned back against the wall.

"Why?" he asked.

"Why what?"

"Why everything? Why the big deal at the club? Why hold me at arm's length all the time? Why?" he asked.

"Because I can't stand to be around you, Clint," I said. He looked as if I'd punched him. He didn't say anything.

"But why?" he finally asked. "I still don't get what I did wrong." His eyes were raw.

"Because it's painful. That's why. Being around you is painful because I can never have you."

"Huh? What are you talking about?" he asked, confusion etching lines into his forehead.

"It's the whole horse and the carrot thing, Clint. Thing is, I can't do it anymore. I just can't."

"Kev, I'm lost," he said softly.

"It's like having the thing you most want dangled in front of you, except you can never reach out and take it. You can never have it."

"I don't understand. What are you saying?"

"Clint you *are my best friend..."

"Then why...?" he interrupted me.

"But it's more than that," I continued.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean just what I said. Clint, somewhere along the way our friendship became something more for me, okay?" He sank down against the wall until he was sitting on the floor. He didn't look up at me. "There, now you know why. And now you know why I couldn't tell you."

I turned and faced away from him, leaning on the opposite wall. Neither of said anything and the silence was thick enough to choke on. I felt ridiculous. I wished I could just crawl in bed and pretend it was just a weird story I had heard, that when the sun came up it would just go away.

"Why?" he asked softly, his voice caught in his throat. He cleared it and continued, "Why didn't you tell me?"

I didn't turn around. "What was I going to say? 'Hey Clint, the game's on. Oh, and by the way, I think I'm falling for you."

"I don't know. Something." I didn't answer. "I don't know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything. I know, okay? I know." I finally sank down on the floor diagonally across from him. I kept my eyes firmly planted on the floor between my knees.

I finally stood up and walked a few paces past him and stopped. "I'm gonna go to the store for some things. I'll...I'll be back later." I glanced up to look at his face. He nodded but didn't look back at me. I turned back around and walked out.

I got in the car and put my key in the ignition. I didn't want to even stop to think. I just put the car in gear and drove to the store. I wandered the aisles, aimlessly dumping things into the cart for the better part of an hour.

It just had to come down to this. I was virtually numb, except for a dull ache in my chest. Just like that, *just like that and it was all different. I flashed back to the first night Clint had stayed in my room. I remembered Clint's wet torso and him saying that I was pathetic. Dreams come true sometimes, I guess.

I got to the checkout counter and realized I had enough food to feed a small, or even medium-sized, army. I paid and pushed the buggy to my car and loaded the ton of groceries into the trunk. I got in and sat in the front seat, not doing anything. I couldn't think. I fished my cell phone out and paged the only person that registered, Matt.

Yellow light from the street lamp in the parking lot filtered through and gave my skin a sickly jaundiced color. Things would change, I reasoned, but I'd adapt. I always came out on top. I thought about calling Chris and telling her, but if I was honest with myself, I really didn't want to put myself in a position to possibly have to feel like this again. My cell phone startled me out of my stupor.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Kev. It's me. What's up?" Matt said.

"Not much."

"Oh. Well, that's cool. Look, I..."

"I just told Clint," I said. Cut to the chase.

"You just told him what?" he asked.

"Matt, I just *told Clint."

He was quiet for a minute until it finally registered what I was talking about. "Oh shit!" he finally said. "And?"

"And I left him sitting on the floor. He couldn't even look at me in the face, dude," I said.

"So you just up and told him?" he asked incredulously.

"Well, not exactly. We got into kind of a heated argument and it just came out. He wanted to know what was going on."

"What do you mean, what was going on? Between y'all?"

"No, just in general. Anyway, next thing I know I'm opening my big mouth and he's sitting on the floor almost catatonic."

"Ugh. Kev, I can't leave. I have clinicals..."

"No, no. I wasn't asking you to leave," I said. "I just had to tell somebody."

"Dude, I'm so sorry, but I have to run."

"I know. I probably better get back too. I've been gone for a while."

"Okay. Look, I'll call you when I get back, all right?"

"Yeah, sounds good. I'm sorry to call you at work, bud."

"You know better than to apologize. I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and closed my eyes. I concentrated on just taking nice deep breaths. I finally had enough of sitting there and drove back to the apartment. Dread tended to be worse than the real thing.

I opened the front door and began toting the groceries in. Clint came in as I was bringing up the last load. "Damn! Did you buy the whole store?" he asked, chuckling softly.

"Pretty much. I was feeling a little hungry?" I offered jokingly. He smiled and sat down on the sofa as I put things away. Any distraction was a good distraction. I finished putting things in their places and poured myself a drink before sitting on the loveseat. We weren't making eye contact, just sitting there.

"What now?" he finally asked.

I lifted my face and let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "I don't know, dude," I said. "I think there are openings across town in some new apartments, so I guess I'll look over there. We'll see." I smiled weakly, and it was insincere.

He looked up quickly, the confusion spread all over his face. "What, and move out?" he asked.

"I dunno man," I said. "I think it might be for the best."

"You can't just leave, Kevin. Okay, so it's a little weird now, but it'll get better. We'll work through it. You can't just go like that."

"I wish it were simpler. I..."

"You've never been one to take the chicken shit road out," he said finally looking up at me. Those gray-blue eyes shot right through me and reminded me for a second why this guy made my head spin.

"Clint, this isn't about being chicken. I can't just make it go away." The truth was, I didn't want to make it go away. Being in love can be one of the most painful things in the world, but it lets you know you're alive.

"Why do you want out so badly, dude?"

"I don't know how to explain this," I said. I stood up and walked over to the dining room table, facing away from him. "I just don't see things getting better with me staying around."

"Kev, please," he said. His hand on my arm surprised me and I turned around to look at him. "You can't go like this. I don't want you to leave."

"Why?"

"How can you ask that?"

"It's not as simple as just resuming being roommates anymore," I said, massaging my temples. "I wish it were. I wish it wasn't so complicated for me. I wish I could just put it away."

"I know. But you're still my friend...my best friend...I mean, I can't just watch you walk out the door."

"We'll still be friends," I said.

"Famous last words," he said and gave a halfhearted smile. "It's what you said before, if you leave I'll wake up every morning and wonder what it would be like if you hadn't.

"Clint..."

"Can't you just be patient with me??" he asked. "Please..." I looked up and saw pain in his eyes, raw pain. It was definitely not what I expected. Distance? Sure. Disgust? Maybe...but pain? "C'mon Kev, give it a shot."

He lifted his hand and hesitantly touched my cheek. "Kay?" he asked. It was my turn to be confused. He put his other hand on the back of my shoulder and pulled me in a little. He looked like he needed the hug as much as I did, so I put my arms around him and pulled him in. We stood there, pressed together and I could feel his chest rise and fall against mine. His back was like so much marble under my hands, and God, he smelled good.

I let him go slowly after what seemed like an appropriate amount of time and started pushing back a little. He met my eyes again once we got far enough away to look at each other in the face and the same expression was still in them. I started to say something but his hand went to my cheek again. He watched it as he ran it down my cheekbone.

"Clint..." I said. He didn't answer. He leaned in just a little bit, a jerky little hesitant move. My heart sped up as a surge of adrenaline coursed through my veins. My eyes widened and I stared at him. He finally caught my eyes and held my gaze. I felt like I could look all the way into him and read his thoughts if I tried. It was a look of openness. He closed his eyes and leaned in a little farther, until I could feel his breath lightly against my skin. I shut mine as well and just stood immobile. My breathing quickened and we both stood frozen, just breathing, no more than a few inches apart. The scent of his cologne filled my nostrils, and under it, something else...the smell of him, pure Clint.

I felt his breathing get quicker as it got closer, until I could feel it warm on my lips. My chest tightened, as though it could just pull him in. I released the emotional floodgate and just let myself feel everything for him, all I had wanted to. His lips brushed mine and he pulled back quickly. My lips burned with the sensation, as though I had kissed a live wire. He leaned back in and pressed his lips more firmly against mine, and our lips locked. We stood like that for the span of what seemed like forever. There was nowhere in the world I'd rather have been.

His hand went from my cheek to my neck and I put my hands gently on his waist. He pulled back and our lips unglued. He kissed me again, and I kissed back. I drew a thin line of wetness on his lower lip with my tongue and he moaned, wrapping his other arm around my back, pulling me in. I did it again and lightly sucked his lip, pulling it with mine. His tongue ventured out and I felt a jolt the instant it touched mine. I wrapped my arms around his waist and tasted lips that were softer and tasted better than anybody's had a right to. I gave myself to the moment and to the feelings.

First kisses were usually memorable, but this one was something else altogether. He locked his lips against mine again and then slowly pulled back. My hearing returned and I realized I was breathing very deeply and very hard. I opened my eyes slowly and gazed into the pools in his. He looked at me like it was the first time he'd ever seen me, his face serious, pensive. I managed to pry a hand from his waist and drew it along his jaw. He flushed and closed his eyes as I traced his lips lightly with the tip of my thumb. My breathing slowed to normal, and I the beginning of a smile curled my lips when he opened his eyes again.

Voila!!! I can't believe I finally finished this installment. I have a trillion e-mails in my inbox that I have read, but have not replied to. I will endeavor to get to them all over the next couple of weeks. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

I love that you like the story! It's the biggest thrill for me. You are definitely the best group of fans a guy could have...thank you!! Where we go from here remains to be seen... there is still more to come, so please be patient. As always, your feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Fiat pax, K farscape20@hotmail.com