Hey All,
This is my very first attempt at story writing. Some of its componets are real and some are not. The guy, the place and the school (even most names) are VERY real... the plot is more or less wishful thinking.
E-Mail's are completely welcome, although flamers will be ignored.
You know all the warnings, so I won't bother to bore you.
-Dave
How did I know that 1996 was going to be the year that I had craved for, for what seemed a millenium? They say that if you want something bad enough it will happen, little did I know that the mysterious 'they' were right for once in my life.
It all started when I entered grade 10. New school, new teachers and new people. My little all too perfect small town junior high never prepared me for this. The building was old and in bad need of repair, not like the mere 4 year old school in my town complete with a state of the art gymnasium and a flower garden to boot. I'll never forget that Monday morning in September 2 years ago...
I was nervous as hell. It was one of those moments where you think 'why the hell is life so crude anyway?' I was excited all summer, I anticipated this moment with great expectations. I wanted to come out of my shell for once and at least be a percentage of who I really was. Suddenly all my hopes were overcastted by my looming fear of 'sticking out' from the crowd. I felt different all my life, and it was often difficult to keep up the act. All the world really was a stage, and I was the actor who acted to merely survive.
One of my old school friends since grade one had entered the foyer with me, but I still felt alone. She spoke, yet I was alone. Alone, scanning the multitude sub-consciously searching for something I wanted all my life. Someone to make everything all right once and for all.
"David- DAVID." The familiar voice bellowed into my left ear. I awoke from my short reverie and smiled at her. "I'm sorry Tanya, I was kind of scoping the crowd." "You're nervous aren't you?" She said with her eyes smiling as always. "Yeah, but who isn't?" I smirked.
Before she could answer the first bell rang. God I was nervous. I never even got to see Amy, her bus wasn't in yet for gawd knows why. I wished Tanya luck and made my way up the stairs with a herd of confused teenagers with room numbers in their hands. I knew where my homeroom was, I staked the place out during the summer. Call it a mini-orientation period.
I walked into the already half full room and noticed that Steve (a friend of a friend) was sitting there with James (another friend of a friend). I was slightly relieved to see someone I knew and made my way to sit with them, which they did not seem to mind. By the time Mr. Andrews figured out just what the hell he wanted to do, he had all the 10's grouped on one side, the 11's on another and the 12's on yet another. I got that much more nervous. I guess sitting beside two grade eleven students I figured I was not as apt to be pegged as a 'newbie'. I didn't know anyone in grade ten from my homeroom.
When I was about to fall back into my silent dream world about my numerous expectations and my sudden overwhelming fear it was time to head to first class. Slowly I grabbed my bag and walked out the door. I was aware of almost everything within 20 feet of me, but yet I was not there. I was in my head somewhere trying to piece my personal chaos together.
Thank the maker my first class was just down the hall in the maze of corridors. I was actually feeling a little bit better, except for one thing. My first class was an eleventh grade class. Physical Geography to be exact. Why the hell did I let my science teacher slash guidance counselor talk me into taking this class? It just sank in that the classroom would be full of students who were already sure of the school, and had established however great or however poor of a reputation they had and were stuck with just that for at least two more years. Whereas I was a nobody. Faceless, nameless and reputation less... and alone, or so I felt.
Remarkably the class went over pretty well. I made note of a mere ONE decent looking guy who I was wishing to know a little more. He was a slacker, but an athlete. I like athletes. There was also what I would consider one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. Even though I was not attracted to her sexually I was compelled to think of 'landing her'. I guess maybe it was something I learned from the overwhelming majority of teenage boys slash men. I even harbored fantasies of this beautiful woman named Aryssa. Again, not sexually but more in terms of friendship. Hell, I even thought of becoming such good friends that maybe I could tell her who I really was and she would date me just for show. I would get tonnes of attention from guys, and so would she... still sounds like a nice plan to me.
Little did I know that, that fine girl who had lots going for her would turn into an addict and become pregnant. You never can tell in this world...
It was lunch before I finally saw Amy. She had lots to tell me as usual and I had little to tell her, again as usual. I had gotten a grip slightly. I was nauseated and did not eat much for lunch but my nerves (and my stomach mind you) were settling a little.
It was such a big school that most of us who were friends from grade nine never caught up that noon hour. It ended up being just me and Amy strolling the halls, watching the intramural's get started in the gym, you know, high school stuff.
It was when we walked by the classroom just before the gym did I stop dead in my tracks. Inside talking to other seniors was the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my whole life. He was no Olympic diver or some over sensationalized Hollywood actor, but he was indeed REAL. He embodied self esteem. You could tell this kid not only had a nice body but he had it where it counts. An intellectual he was.
By the time Amy got to about 10 feet ahead of me and had looked back inquisitively, I was still standing there staring into the room. I had become a statue. A statue that seemed to not care who saw what he was looking at. It took Amy to call to me to break my trance. We continued to walk and she continued to talk about gawd knows what. I was deep in thought. Who was he? What was his name? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he popular? I kind of knew the last question that was straining my brain but asked it anyway.
I let myself get flustered. How could I be so drawn to one person? I had did it a thousand times over in the past only to burn in desire and eventually all hope would die in the ashes. I had laid eyes on this guy for a matter of 20 seconds and yet I had never felt more strongly about someone in my life. I was actually mad at myself for feeling the way I did. How immature I felt.
By the time the day had ended I was famished. I noted several people as people who I could like and four times that number of people I really despised. Over all I was not happy with the people I was stuck with. Even the teachers were not very compatible. I felt overwhelmed. Why was I letting my dreams slide away? I had such big plans from early elementary. There wasn't a day that I didn't picture myself as the model student, but now it was all crumbling down around me. I wanted to stop the floodgate before it was to late, but it seemed I had no control over my fate. I was a chaos inside and yet the play went on. The crowd called out for more and I gave it, dying on the inside to live for others on the outside.
A distress call was made that day. The flare shot up from my heart desperately seeking my brain's attention. Sadly it went unnoticed. Peril was silently de-sensitizing me and inevitably it would make the kill.
When the alarm clock went off it felt like I was robbed about five of my six and a half hours. I whined to myself and cuddled my half alive body ignoring the impatient digital fog horn noise the clock made. I felt as if yesterday never really ended, that this was just a continuation of it.
By the time I got to Physical Geography 110, I was regretting not having at least a nutra-grain bar for breakfast. I was abnormally hungry, since I usually don't eat in the mornings. Out of the back of my mind came the mysterious and handsome senior. Gawd he was what I wanted. If I believed in god at the time I was cursing him for teasing me so. It was like shoving a plate of home cooked food in the face of a starving man and denying him his needed nutrition.
During my little mental excursion Mr. Kenyan decided to ask me a question about tectonic plates. Damn I should have been paying attention. After some slight embarrassment and not knowing the answer he moved on. What the hell was wrong with me? I wanted to make good grades, be class president and go to a nice university. Dreaming about something that most likely would never happen was a sin in my eyes when it interfered with my very high expectations.
In fate's patented way of making you feel like hell, a P.A. announcement was made so that all grade ten students would go to the performing arts theater for orientation. Sadly, but not unexpectedly I was one of two grade ten students in that class. I felt like such an ass when I got up to leave.
When I entered the theater, to my pleasant surprise Amy and a few other friends had saved me a seat. I really did not want to sit alone that day. After a few minutes of chatter, attention was called to the stage.
My gawd there he was... in all his beauty. He was sitting in a chair with three other students while the vice principal was carrying on about something. I was back to my dream world. I looked at him and felt at home. Suddenly the crowd began to applaud and 'he' made his way to the microphone.
"Who? What?" I asked Amy looking off my rocker undoubtedly. "Steve Thomson, president of the student government." She relayed to me.
Steve Thomson. Could there be a more prefect name? I burned that much brighter when I heard his voice. If he would have personally said boo to me I am sure I would have fell to my knees. Even while he talked, I never really listened to what he was saying. I was too much into him to even hear his words clearly. I knew how silly this was, but it was something much stronger than me. I could not help what I felt. Even though I was pleased to be there listening to him, my whole existence was tremouring.
I am still not sure how I remembered to keep breathing that day. No matter what anyone says, love is not always a two way street, and your first love is the one that burns the deepest... both in pain and in joy.
Three weeks flew by like they were feathers in the wind. Somehow time seemed to warp itself. Each day was a continuation of the one before. The only regenerating sleep I managed to get seemed to happen on the weekends. It's like I was falling apart but yet by some small miracle kept my outer shell in fair condition. Steve had managed to creep into my mind much more frequently now. I guess the fifty eight on my first math test proved that much. I still hadn't figured out much about him. It was a hard task to keep up with even your closest friends in a much larger school than I was used to. I did find out he was on the hockey team, something which only made my lust for him that much more heavy and hard to carry.
It was a Thursday night, late September when we had our first school dance. I really didn't want to go but went against my own will in hopes that Steve just might be there. A little nagging from Amy and others helped me decide too. I wore my new Nike long sleeved shirt, a pair of guess jeans and my doc's. I swear every hair on my head was in place that night. I was beyond apprehensive but held myself well.
I was walking with Amy and Jenny when we entered the gym. To our surprise it was a video dance party. I knew our school did those but I really didn't figure that this occasion would be worth the money spent on a giant screen and V.J's. We made our way through two hundred lively and rampant teenagers who where living it up to the macarena (it was '96 don't forget), just to reach the table where our 'clan' was hanging out. After saying my hello's and taking a seat I began to scan for my fantasy boy. It's hard being an optimist with pangs of pessimism every time something doesn't go just the way you want it to. I felt my hopes of him being there diminish after forty five minutes of scanning and three attempts by friends to get me on the floor. Dancing was the last thing I wanted to do.
After several more songs, two of them being slow ones that just shredded my heart into a puree of sorrow, I managed to escape from the hot gym and went for a walk eventually ending up outside. I sat on the stairs to the main entrance of the school's foyer and rested my head in my hands. I began to think of how silly I must look to everyone else. If I didn't straighten out soon I would end up losing the friends I did have. There was a war going on inside me. Part of me wanted to repress the other side and continue to live my life in a box. Forever to be someone who I wasn't. The opposing force wanted something much different. It wanted all of me to be happy. Not for the sake of others but for the sake of the self. I needed to be me, but I had to find a way to incorporate the two. How the hell was I going to do all that?
I began to sob quietly. I was tired of being made to act. I felt I was down on my knees and gasping for air for all the world to see.
Just then the unexpected happened. The doors flew open to the school and two laughing teenagers ran out half embraced by the other. I stood immediately. Fate again made an unexpected twist. It was indeed Steve, but he was with a girl who looked a little familiar to me.
"Are you ok?" He said to me with a hint of sincerity in his voice. 'Jesus, he saw me cry.' I thought to myself. "Yeah, I'm fine.... really." I managed while composing myself. "Your sure about that?" He asked with a slight chuckle while at the same time the mystery girl was yanking at him and telling him to come on. The bitch. It was obvious that they were an item. This pissed me off greatly. It wasn't her fault but for some crazy reason I blamed her for it. "Yeah, really I'll be ok." I said smiling slightly. He just smiled back and finally gave in to her whining and was hauled off into the dark night. I was overcome by the fact that I had just spoken to my crush, but I was also angry. Angry at her. What was her name? Kate- Kathy, Kelly. Kelly Butler that was her name. The snobby straight 'A' senior who just happened to be the school's treasurer. "Bitch." There I was again, blaming her for something that she had nothing to do with.
I tossed and turned a lot that night. Indian Summer had set in and it never dipped below twenty five degrees Celsius all night long. I woke up several times from strange dreams about school, my life, and Steve. The worst and the last dream before my alarm went off scared the hell out of me. I was walking down the hall and Steve was coming towards me when suddenly we had an earthquake and the ceiling collapsed in on top of him. I woke up with a fairly loud yelp and beads of sweat on my forehead. I really thought I was losing all hopes of ever being totally sane again.
After my shower that morning I actually felt refreshed. After all it was Friday and I could forget all about school for two whole days. Little did I know what was in store for me in the hours ahead.
Ironically, my morning classes went off unhitched. Despite my ritual argument with one of the hockey player's whores in English class, but we did that two or three times a week anyway. People warned me constantly that her boyfriend is a real brute yet I was not really worried about him. Well, maybe just a little.
It was beautiful out that day. It was not overly hot and the breeze was swift. I decided to walk to the mall and buy a shirt I had my eye on for a few weeks. I snuck out without Amy or my usual noon hour buddies knowing. It was on my way back when things got interesting. I was walking across the football field looking at my receipt when I collided with someone taller than me. I landed on my ass and so did the other person. When I finally got my bearings and said about ten thousand "I'm sorry's" I realized who it was.
"Steve!!" I said a little louder than I had liked. I was shocked. "I'm really sorry man." I pleaded. "It's ok, it's ok." He chuckled, he was much more relaxed than I was. "I was just reading my history book there when I ran into you." He said while motioning to a now rather wrinkled text book. "So it was probably my fault." "Well, I was looking at a receipt so were probably both to blame." I smiled back while brushing myself off. He did the same. "So what's your name?" "David." I replied. "It sounded like you already knew my name." "Yeah I did... well, your the president of the student council and all." "Ahhh, well... I hope everything really was ok last night?" He asked once again, this time looking into my eyes deeper than anyone ever has. I gulped. "Yes, I-I was feeling a little lonely." Why was I telling him this? "I didn't feel like being around a bunch of cheery friends." He looked at me inquisitively yet he seemed to somehow understand what I meant by what I said.
What happened next would have made my head spin, literally, if I was not so aware of every movement I made and every word I spoke.
"So..." He paused in thought. "I got a game tonight against Fredericton at Kings. Why don't you stop by?" I died, but that wasn't the worst of it. What followed was a nightmare. "What about Kelly?" Why the hell did I say that? Could I have been any more gay with my choice of words. "W-What about her?" "Ohhh... umm, I meant is she going to be there?" He seemed to relax to the way he was before I asked such an idiotic question. "Oh. No, she is going out of town for the weekend with her folks." I simply nodded. "Well, what time is the game?" "7:30." He responded. "But come early if ya can, maybe we can talk a little before the game if the coach is not pep talking our asses off." The Fredericton Black Kats were a tough team to beat. "Ok, I'll try to make it." I smiled what I considered way to friendly of a smile. 'Cool yourself David, your asking for trouble.' Kept playing over in my head. "I'd like that." He flashed back while looking down at his watch. "Whoa, were gonna be late for class." By that time reality was starting to kick in again. When we realized we only had five minutes to get our books for the afternoon and make it to first class we ran for the school. "See ya tonight!" He said to me doing that ridiculous gunshot things people do with there fingers and moving further away in the opposite direction. I laughed while making my way up the stairs. "You can bet your life on it." Wow, that was way to strong of a comment. I just shrugged to myself and prepared for the afternoon.
I was giddy the rest of the afternoon. I was in love. Albiet one sided love it was still love. I was pulled from another day dreaming session by my mother asking directions to the rink. Thank god I had a good mom. I was 16 at the time and it would be months before I was driving on my own. She said she would pick me up as well, bless her heart. I loved my mother beyond words. Even if she did not really know one important aspect of my life. We eventually got to Kings and we said our good-bye's and all that jazz.
When I entered the arena I felt a little nervousness creeping into my throat. What was I doing here and just what did I expect of this? I would end up driving myself insane if it never went the way I had planned. Consciously I knew I had to take this step by step and prepare for a let down. My subconscious however was making its own plans. I wanted him in more ways than one.
The game had already started. I felt a little bad because he probably thought I didn't show up or something. I took a seat in the bleachers by myself. I knew a few people I had seen from school but I was not really in the mood to make small talk with them.
I happily located Steve on the ice during a penalty call. I waved and to my heart's content he removed his helmet and smiled at me. Fate had either planned on killing me once and for all tonight or things were starting to shine a little brighter in my life. I went against the odds and prayed for the latter of the two.
Surprisingly the Pinks ended up winning 4-3. It's not that the team wasn't good but Fredericton had a much bigger high school. The largest in the country actually. Steve skated over as close as he could to me and waved me down.
"Hi." I said while smiling brightly. "Hey you." He shot back almost making my heart skip a beat. "Meet me outside the locker room in fifteen minutes?" His eyes were so sweet. Deep brown and they had a puppy dog quality tonight. Who could say no to that? "Sure will." "Great, see ya there." He skated away as I watched ever little movement he made.
Despite trying to avoid most people I ended up saying hi to a few of them I knew from class. Including the bitch from three of my four classes Erin. We never did have nice things to say to each other. I still believe she had a thing for me. I remember leaning over my desk once to talk to someone and she made a rather inticing comment. I also think one of the reasons for her big mouth was the need to feel popular. I can't say I blame her like I used to though. She was just as paranoid as the rest of us.
After about four minutes of waiting, out he walked from the locker room in all his glory. He had an Adidas spring jacket on and what I believe to be a pair of Calvin's. When he stopped beside me his scent made its way to my nostrils. What was that fragrance he used? CoolWater maybe? Gawd he smelled so good.
"So what'cha up for?" He said to me while playfully punching me in the arm. That was the first time he touched me, besides when we practically killed each other on the football field. "Ahhh, I have no idea. You been thinking of anything?" I asked with a hint of interrogation in my voice. "Well, actually I am starving." He stated. "I could go for something to eat too... I skipped dinner tonight." If it were possible his eyes seemed to sparkle all the more. "Cool, do you like the Diplomat?" "In Fredericton?" "Yeah... if that's ok with you." The Diplomat was a moderate priced restaurant downtown. I have eaten there many of times with friends in the past. "Sure, I don't have wheels though." I said. "No prob, I got moms car." I just smiled as we made our way out the door.
I guess it was just Steve being Steve. It took us a good twenty minutes to get out of the parking lot. Fellow hockey buddies, swooning girls and other classmates were all to anxious to chat with him. I never got a weird look from any of them but it was easy to tell most were wondering who the hell I was. He never bothered to introduce me either. It didn't bother me much. We barely knew each other so what kind of introduction could he possibly give right?
The fifteen minute trip to Fredericton from Oromocto was rather quiet. Only the radio played. I could have jumped out of my socks when K.D. Lang's 'Constant Craving' came on. How appropriate. I noticed how he was not all anxious to turn her off like most of my friends. If they were old, not hip with the times or were accused of being a fag the station was changed almost reflexively. No respect at all I tell you. Steve almost seemed to enjoy the song as much as I did. I soon let my hopes die again when I realized most intelligent straight people are more than likely cultured and not bigoted.
The restaurant was surprisingly not as busy as usual. More than often you had to wait twenty minutes for a table whereas tonight only took five. I guess we both had a hankering for Chinese because we both ordered the same. I had an iced tea and he a mountain dew. It wasn't long before awkwardness set in, everytime I tried to think of something to say my mind would draw a blank. Finally he came to the rescue.
"So what do you think of Q.H.S. so far?" "It sucks, I often feel like I am surround by a bunch of small minded bigots." I think I overdosed on honesty pills that morning. "Really?" He chuckled. At least I never made him uncomfortable with the comment. "It's not so bad when you get used to it. I have a feeling it just seems that way because you have been there only a month." I paused in thought. "Your probably right, most first year students are probably just as paranoid as me." I smiled then sipped my beverage.
I soon found myself wondering why I was so honest with him. It scared me a little because I was afraid how far I might go with it. Then out it came. "So you and Kelly are really an item eh?" I was starting again. I internally scolded myself. He responded after a brief moment of silence and a look as if he were analyzing me. "Yeah, I guess... I mean you could call it that." "You don't love her?" God damnit! Stop it David before you say something you will regret indefinitely. "Umm, well... I-I can't say I do totally. Err, something is missing." He was trying to pull himself together then he laughed a nervous laugh. "Your forward aren't you?" "Well, not usually... I guess you just bring that out in me." Now I was being flirtatious. I was out of control.
When the check came after dinner I noticed that it was all on the same bill. I found that rather strange. When I went with other friends it usually came separate. Every time. Maybe the server knew something I didn't? Or maybe I was just being paranoid yet again.
"I tell you what." Steve uttered. "I'll take care of this one and you pay next time?" At least I knew there would be a next time. "Sounds good to me." I looked at my watch. "Damn, I should call my mother. She still thinks she is picking me up at Kings." I was wondering what to tell her when he answered me. Was he telepathic? "Cool, tell her not to worry and that I'll get you home... sometime." He smirked rather mischievously. I laughed and made my way to the phone.
For some reason I told my mother not to expect me home that night. I don't know why but I just felt it was best to tell her that I might be staying at a friends. One of the good things about my mother is her amazing trust in me. It was something she instilled in me from a very young age. By the time I was done on the phone, Steve was ready to go as well.
We decided to head back to Oromocto. There was lots of things we could have done, but strangely neither one of us wanted to do them. We just wanted to relax. Even the radio seemed to agree. Strange Currencies by R.E.M. began to soothe my ears. I used to cry to that song, how ironic it played that night. I began to mouth the lyrics in time with the music. "I wanna turn you on, turn you up, figure you out I wanna take you on... these words, you will be mine, these words, you will be mine all the time..." I was so relaxed.
We didn't need to relay to each other how we felt just then. We both were just happy to relax to the music and live in the second. We drove around some of the side roads that were so numerous in Oromocto. I was rather surprised when we turned onto a dirt road then made a left into a field. Steve proceeded to shut the ignition off and turned the key back so the radio continued to play in the background. If I wasn't so mellowed by the sweet sounds that flowed from the speakers I might have been nervous, but I wasn't. For once in my life.
Steve reclined his seat back about 30 degrees and stretched his arms then resting them behind his head. I wondered if he did this with all his guy buddies. I didn't think so, but writing it off as paranoia I just went with it. "So what are you thinking?" I asked him. "Hmmm, I am thinking about how surreal I feel right now. Very very relaxed." "Maybe it was the hockey game." I stated somewhat idiotically. He paused then broke out into a hysterical laughter. I soon followed suit. What a stupid thing to say. "Nahh, I play hockey lots and I am never this relaxed after." I wanted to jump him right there, but I was so lost and I had no idea what to do. Then once again he broke the silence.
"Ohhh man I wish I had some skin." I began to wonder what he meant by that. Was it a typical macho male buddy type comment or was it a test and I was the person being tested? "You miss Kelly don't you?" It pained me to even ask that because I really didn't want to hear the answer. "Not really." he simply stated. I was surely confused now. What the hell was I going to do? I didn't want to ruin what we did have, something that seemed to come so naturally. I think I ended up mumbling something about wishing I could help him out. I think that was all he needed to get the ball rolling.
"Maybe you can." He was staring at the ceiling of the car. A buzzer went off in my head. I was that close to saying "I'll take sexuality for a thousand Alex." when I noticed him turn towards me. He looked like he was breathing more heavily. He looked nervous. I swear he was about to say that he was sorry when I cut him off. "Don't say anything." I stated. I felt out of my mind. I was on auto pilot, but the only problem was I did not know my destination. I reached over and touched his cheek with the back of my hand. He instinctively closed his eyes and returned the favor.
I squirmed in my seat a little and he opened his eyes. I was scared suddenly. I think I was scared I would wake up and it would all be over. "Kiss me." I pleaded into the night. He moved his face closer to mine but in my sudden fear of losing him I managed my way on top of him and pressed my lips against his. I felt so invigorated at that very moment. I was seeing stars explode, the universe working like a clock even the earth seemed home to me. Something it barely was. All by kissing him. I tear streamed down my cheek onto his lips. He then licked his now salty lips and hugged me into his chest where I sobbed helplessly. I read before that most first experiences after living in the closet for your entire life were in fact emotional. Emotional was an understatement that night. I didn't want to let him go. I just hugged him tightly and rested my face on his chest while his hands explored my back. When I finally pulled back I noticed that his eyes were wet too.
We never did make love that night. We spent about 2 hours hugging and kissing each other on that deserted dirt road then went back to his place and fell asleep after talking awhile. His parents were home, but he insisted they never went into his room so he asked me to sleep with him. I did just that. With our toes interlocked, our torso's pressed together, his hands on my back and mine playing with his hair we fell into what I consider the most peaceful slumber of my almost seventeen years on the planet.
Oh, and they were Calvin's he had on.
When I first woke up I still had that heavy surreal feeling from the night before. Steve's room was dimly lit with only the sun peeking through the blinds for light. I was alone in his bed, and I had no idea what the hell the time was.
I finally pushed the sleepiness from me and blinked enough to get rid of the blur that was my vision. "11:00am" I noticed on the clock-radio beside me. Where was Steve? I sat up and began to dress when I noticed a white piece of paper on the night stand beside the clock, it said "David" on it. Nausea began to whirl in the pit of my stomach. I must have had ESP.
"I know we didn't do anything last night, but I don't think we should ever get that close again. I never felt so alive as I did when I was with you, but sadly the world we live in will not let me be with you. Please forgive me. Steve"
I teared up and my heart begged me to let it die. I felt as if I should go back to sleep and wake up all over again, it had to be a nightmare. Could real life be so cruel? It was a question I had asked many times before, and it never ceased to amaze me how somehow-some way it always answered itself so quickly. Yes, life was indeed that cruel.
I was relieved to find out that nobody was home when I got dressed and left his room. I had guessed they all went out together or something because not even the dust seemed to stir. Feeling terribly out of place I walked to the mall and called my mother from there, where she said she would pick me up.
What was I going to tell her? I was a HUGE mess inside and it was practically showing on the outside. My mind was in no order to make anything up so I simply decided I would tell her I had fun, but didn't feel like talking about it just then... to my amazement, it did work. Although I still have the feeling to this day she knew something was extremely wrong.
I was panicking without showing it. When you live your life in the closet you learn to develop an extremely high tolerance to `the outside world'. It may hurt like hell on the inside, but on the outside you appear to be in working order.
Though I was getting the job done, I was merely hanging on. How I wanted to weep openly and profess my love for Steve, but I couldn't. Something was holding me back and to this day I have no idea what kept me sane that afternoon. I wanted him, I needed him... I had to talk to him and SOON.
To Be Continued ...