Chapter 2: Thank you, Karen
The morning light was still breaking when Chris dried off from a post-run shower and checked his e-mail.
He had been running most of his life, but it was only in the past year that he had taken to extreme feats of endurance before sunrise. Insomnia had something to do with it: he had become so adapted to sleeping with Mark that Chris had a hard time learning to shut down for slumber without him. Their bodies fit together perfectly when they slept-legs intertwined, curled up in a tight spoon with Chris's arms wrapped around Mark's torso and his chin resting on his partner's shoulder-and they moved so seldom that they may as well have been keeping each other warm against deathly cold temperatures beyond their embrace. It took almost a year of shifting around to settle on this perfect position, but once they found it, they never let it go. This motionless night-time dance lasted eleven years, with only a handful of nights when they had to be apart.
Given the traumatic, sleepless experience of losing his blankie when he was five, losing Mark should have killed him. He survived, but his ability to sleep well did not. After his first week of tossing and turning, he got out of bed at four o'clock and started running. He ran for almost two hours that first morning, pushing himself farther and farther away from the thought of his comfortless bed.
Chris no longer ran quite so long, but he was still out the door by 4:30, never needing an alarm to get up. At first, he ran in the pre-dawn hours because it was better than the relentless shifting about, waiting for a fleeting moment of sleep to come. But eventually he started to enjoy the private time with the morning, deriving a similar sense of calm from it that others might find in attending a weekday church service.
The impact these runs had on his physique was substantial. After a few months, he noticed-not without a sense of satisfaction-that he could have been on the cover of a men's fitness magazine. The few calisthenics he did after his run kept his arms toned and his abs defined. The faint trail of hair that began under his navel only accentuated the smoothness of his trim torso. He kept his brown hair cropped short so that he just had to run a towel through it after he showered, giving it a slightly wild look that managed to seem controlled at the same time. Chris looked better at 36 than he ever did in his twenties.
He was surprised to see an e-mail from his younger sister Karen.
They seldom wrote or called each other, even though they got along famously whenever their paths crossed. Karen was always traveling with her boyfriend, working until they had enough money to go on another long-distance hike. They were indefatigable travelers and the very definition of self-sufficiency. It was funny, though, how seldom they communicated when apart. He actually didn't know she had his e-mail address.
to: justin@binderarchitecturalsolutions.com from: thruhikerskandb@gmail.com subject: [No subject]
Hey big bro,
I talked to Justin last night... wanted to crash with his friend Billy from high school - remember him? He's still crazy. Brandon and I are in Seattle, hanging out for a while after the PCT (amazing!) before coming back to the east coast.
Anyway... Justin said that you seemed kinda funky when you guys went out last week. He thought you were more down than usual...
So, here's what I have in mind. You need to go for a hike. Get away for a long weekend without e-mail, cell phones, or business crap. There's a rhythm to nature that is so much healthier than anything you business types deal with.
Get locked into it for even a few days and you'll feel like new. Trust me.
I'm attaching a gift certificate for REI. They know what they're doing there, so get their advice on a good, lightweight backpack. Justin has an old tent and sleeping bag of mine that you can use. Here's hoping he hasn't lost them in that attic... how does he have so much shit??? Shoot me if I ever accumulate so much stuff.
I know you've got money to burn, but I don't and this way you'll actually HAVE to take my advice and get equipped for a hike. This certificate won't get you a whole pack, but it's a start... There's gotta be a long weekend coming up sometime soon, and the weather this time of year is perfect for a hike on the AT in North Carolina-you're not more than a few hours from the trail, so there's just no excuse.
Please, Chris, give it a try. I promise you'll thank me for this...
I love you!
-K
There was a hundred-dollar certificate attached, and Chris knew what a big deal that was for someone who lived constantly moving from job to job. Karen was amazing. Who would have thought the selfish, irresponsible punk she had been in high school would turn into someone so caring?
He didn't need to think hard about whether or not he would actually take her advice: he had been getting secretly jealous of her adventures and had been thinking about giving backpacking a try. Here was the impetus he needed; he would buy a backpack the next week.
After a full week working with his newest client, a local restaurant chain that was going through a much-needed remodeling, he was anxious to get his pack. The nearest REI was just down the street from the specialty store that carried the goat milk yogurt an hour away. He had gone back three times-always at the same time-in the hopes of seeing that stranger with the handsome smile. After the third attempt, he resolved to give up looking. This didn't mean he could give up seeing his face at odd moments during the day.
Still, he had to drive right by it tonight. There was no reason he couldn't just run in quickly and take a peek. The resolve from his last attempt vanished, and he parked the car and went in.
His heart started beating when he got near the end of the aisle that led to the dairy section where he had first seen his mystery man. Perhaps this time...
There was nobody there-just an old woman walking away. He didn't honestly expect he would find him, but he couldn't stop himself from wishing. It took some effort, but he forced himself to try to be happy about his reason for coming to the area in the first place. There was virtually no chance of seeing the stranger, but he could at least get a good backpack and make his sister happy.
REI did a lot to lift his spirits. Aside from his running, he had spent virtually no time in "the great outdoors." The displays of tents, sleeping bags, and camping stoves, however, made it seem downright sexy. He took his time getting to the packs in the rear corner, and by the time he got there, he was more excited about getting on the trail than he had been about anything in a long time. Fuck the elusive stranger-he had had hiking gear to buy and mountains to climb.
Although Karen was right in saying that her gift wouldn't get him a whole pack, it was starting to look like if he matched her money he could get something decent. He was still trying to figure out some of the features on one particular pack when an upbeat and melodious voice spoke from behind: "Let me know if I can give you a hand with anything."
Chris turned around and nearly dropped the pack. The face of the employee that was smiling at him was the same one he had been seeing in his head for two weeks, and the smile was just as beautiful now as it had been when he first saw it.
"Actually, yeah, I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for." He was amazed he could speak, as his mouth had just gone completely dry.
"Do I know you from somewhere? You look awfully familiar," the man said.
Jean. His employee badge said Jean. Chris finally had a name for his mystery man, and he stood for a moment, stupefied, taking in the man's strong figure and radiant eyes.
"I think I may have seen you at The Natural Market before," Chris said, hoping his voice wouldn't betray the overwhelming desire to jump up and down and scream like he was twelve.
"Oh yeah, I remember now. Something about a week old, right?" Jean said, raising his eyebrows as his eyes continued to shine.
"I was having a rough day. Sorry about that display." Despite the embarrassing memory, Chris was starting to feel in control of his abilities to speak.
"We've all been there. I have my moments, I assure you. Is everything alright now?" Jean said.
"Yes, things are going a lot better." He didn't say exactly how much better. "After wandering around the store, I'm getting pretty excited about buying a backpack."
"We can certainly help you out on that one. What are you thinking about doing? You said you don't know what you're looking for, but you've got a pretty serious mountaineering bag there," Jean said, indicating the pack Chris still had clamped in his hand.
"That should let you know how little I know about what I'm doing," Chris said, chuckling. "No, I'm just planning on doing some one- or two-night hikes on the Appalachian Trail. I really have no clue what I need, though. My sister does lots of long-distance hikes and all but ordered me to buy a pack, use her sleeping bag and tent, and go for a weekend on the trail. So, yeah... I'm clueless, but I'm pretty excited about it."
Chris stopped, surprised at himself. When he wasn't working with clients, he was usually more reserved around strangers. Now that the initial shock was beginning to fade, he was finding himself comfortable around Jean. There was something about his eyes, which were at once intense and gentle.
"Alright, well you're not going to need that one," Jean said as he took the pack from Chris and hung it back up on the shelf. "Let's look at a few weekend packs. Do you mind if I just make some suggestions?"
"Not at all. Like I said, I know nothing. My sister did suggest I get something lightweight. She and her boyfriend try to carry as little as possible. What do they say? I think they like to go Ray or something like that." Chris was trying to use whatever lingo he could to cover his ignorance.
"Ha. The Ray-Way. Do you know much about Ray Jardine?" Jean asked.
"Nothing."
"Oh wow. He's an outdoors god. He revolutionized rock climbing when he invented these things called Friends that made near impossible climbs possible. He and his wife then went on some long-distance hikes-the Pacific Crest Trail, the AT-carrying packs that weighed a fraction of the heavy packs everyone else had. People laughed at them, walking in light shoes and sleeping under a tarp, but they had the last laugh, outpacing them just by not being so exhausted at the end of the day."
Jean went on, glowing with excitement over this Ray Jardine. Chris heard some of it, knew that Jean was now talking about cold weather kayaking, but his attention was fixed on looking, not listening. This man talking to him was a cross between a sculpture of Zeus and a teddy bear. His shoulders and chest were broad and he stood an inch or so taller than Chris, but the slight paunch, beard, and brown chest hair poking out from under his shirt softened his appearance and gave him the gentle quality Chris had remembered from the first meeting. His forearms were covered in dark fur and revealed a natural musculature that didn't appear to come from weightlifting. Jean gesticulated with his arms when he talked, occasionally bringing his thick fingers together when he paused to catch his breath before going on again about Ray.
"The only thing is that it's not for everyone. I often tell people that they should try incorporating some of his ideas and then gradually try adding others. If this is your first overnight hike, you'll want some creature comforts. We can still try to aim as light as possible, though," Jean said, coming to a stop just after Chris started listening again. "Let's get you measured, first."
Jean proceeded to measure Chris with a plastic device that he had to hold up against his back. It was the first time in years that someone's touch sent rippling waves all over his body. Pure electricity flowed from Jean's touch, causing Chris to stiffen momentarily.
"Relax there, it's not going to hurt! Just bend your head so I can get the length," Jean said all this while his hands were holding the measuring device in place, but he seemed oblivious to the effect each moment of contact had on Chris. Chris went from being completely stiff to wanting to melt back into Jean, to be buried in intimate contact with Jean's arms wrapped around him, holding him up.
The measuring was over in a flash, and he felt exposed and isolated when Jean took the device off and stepped aside. "You're just about six feet tall, right?" Jean asked.
"Yes," Chris said, hopeful that there might be another measuring to verify this.
"Based on your torso length," Jean said, "you're right in between a medium and a large, so a lot depends on the pack." No measurements required, then. Damn. "Let's start with this."
Jean took down a pack and went on to explain its features while he put some weights in it to give Chris a sense of what it would feel like while hiking. Chris put it on and refrained from closing his eyes when Jean reached in to adjust a few straps.
"How does it feel?" Jean asked.
"Hmmm..." Chris said with a rising inflection. "It really feels comfortable-much more so than I would have thought."
"It's a good fit for you. Let me show you what I like about it." Jean led him to a mirror and pointed out the angle of the shoulder straps to his shoulder. There was no space between the two men as Jean explained the importance of the angle, his fingers tracing lines on Chris's shoulder to illustrate what he was saying. "Try walking around with it on to see how it feels when you're moving about."
Chris noticed that as he walked, Jean's eyes never left him. They were connected somehow; the weight of his eyes on him was as tangible as the weight of the pack he was carrying.
Jean had Chris try on a few other packs, but it was clear that he knew what he was doing. None of the other packs fit Chris's frame so perfectly.
"So, I'm thinking that you might need a few essentials before you head out with the pack," Jean said as he helped Chris take off the third pack. "If you'd like, I can show you around and point out a few essentials."
Chris would have happily watched Jean count inventory if it meant spending more time with him, so the thought of being the object of his attention for even longer was irresistible. Jean led him through the store, occasionally reaching out to take a piece of backpacking gear off the shelves to hand to Chris.
I'd like to pause our story here for a moment, because something wonderful and subtle is happening that you could easily miss. Look at the way the two men are walking: they are in perfect synch with one another, from the timing of their steps to the way they stand when they stop to talk. Unknowingly, Chris has adopted Jean's tendency to bring his fingertips together when he thinks, and their bodies are leaning closer and closer inwards when they speak.
It is common for old friends and family members to move in such a way, but rare among strangers. When it occurs like it is happening right now, completely unconsciously and unaware, you can be sure that you are witnessing something beautiful. It is a moment that is wholly inconsequential as it happens. However, the two men will remember this slice of time vividly years from now. That is the true magic of such a rare moment. You are locked into the present with another person and are truly alive.
Chris handed Jean a hydration pack and finished his tour around the store. "This may not be the absolute lightest your pack will be, but you've got some good, lightweight essentials. So when are you going to use it all?"
"I'm not sure," Chris said. "I'd like to go soon, but I don't really have a specific plan. I wanted to do some reading before heading out into the woods on my own. Some first aid, basic survival stuff-it can't hurt."
The moment had passed. The bond of synchronization that held the two of them was loosening. You could see it in the way they started shifting around instead of standing still, and the physical distance between them had grown.
"Look, I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I've been looking for a new backpacking buddy." Jean spoke more slowly than he had earlier, as if forming the words of a foreign language in his mind before speaking them aloud. "My hiking partner recently moved out to Montana and I'm not a big fan of solo trips. Unless you were planning on hiking alone..."
"Um, no, not really." Chris felt his body getting warmer by the second. "I don't have any friends that like the thought of walking all day just to sleep on the ground. And honestly, I'd feel better going with someone that had some experience. But, I mean, you don't even know my name."
"Hi there, I'm Jean," Jean said, smiling as broad as he ever had while extending his hand.
"I'm Chris." They shook hands with an overly enthusiastic pump, making light of the introduction. All the same, they kept the contact for a longer time than usual even for a serious handshake. "So, are you from France originally?" Chris asked, having noticed the accent when he pronounced his name.
"No-Montreal. Here's what I'm thinking. Why don't you stop by my house this weekend and I'll show you some photos of hikes that might do the trick?'
"That sounds like a plan. What day do you have in mind?" Chris said.
"Sunday?"
"Sunday works."
Chris and Jean exchanged contact information and set a time for that Sunday. Two days until they would be together again, Chris thought as he strolled out of the store, resisting the temptation to swing his bags in the air.
He called up Justin, anxious to celebrate the turn of events at their English pub. When they met up, Chris talked so animatedly that he barely touched his Guinness.
Justin just sat there, leaning back and smiling, happy to see his brother in the old euphoric state that he had feared was lost forever.
Before tucking in to bed that night, Chris sent his sister Karen an e-mail.
To: thruhikerskandb@gmail.com
From: justin@binderarchitecturalsolutions.com
Subject: I got my pack!
Karen-
You are the greatest sister in the world. I'll send you the details of the stuff I got later, but I just wanted to tell you that I got both a backpack and a hiking partner. If it hadn't been for you, I would have missed this. Sorry to be short, but I'm too excited to write.
Lots of love, Chris
Chris slept more deeply than he had since Mark died. For the first time since he started running, he slept through the sunrise. When he finally awoke, it didn't even occur to him to put on his running shoes. He went out for a doughnut instead.