Notes:
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I've come to a good conclusion. I am no good at writing after I get to the excitement. I get into the story, until I get to the main plot, then I lose the interest and have hard time writing the following chapters, or make them shit. So my stories never last long, so this one will be the last.
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Right now I'm listening to Madonna, she is very talented, but sometimes I think she is just really weird and annoying. Oh well. I love Like a Prayer.
Chapter 5 of Pop High
Okay, so today has been really shitty. I think I've been to the bathroom about 8 times already to cry. Once Joey was in there, so I ran back out and went to another one. That's how it's been all day basically, I've been avoiding all of my friends, I can't talk to any of them right now. I don't know, AJ tried to talk to me too, the one time I did talk to Brian, he told me that AJ went to my house this morning, to see if I still wanted a ride.
I didn't, obviously, I mean, I left in my own car. So I don't know. But right now, I'm a little scared of what's going on right now. I'm in the cafeteria, I don't know what to do. I could sit with Summer for the day, she offered. But I still wanna sit at my table, only, I'm worried about AJ, and about every one else. I know everyone has already taken sides, so I don't know who's on mine and who's on his. Plus, I don't know who I wanna sit by.
Well, here goes.
"Hey Mandy."
"Hi, how, how you handling every thing?"
"Pretty good."
"That's cool."
Okay, so this isn't that bad. At least Mandy is on my side, and I'm sure Jessica and Christina are too. I know Britney is, and Joey too. I bet I can count on Lance and Chris. But I don't really think Nick, Howie, Brian, or Kevin will take my side, they are all better friends with AJ. So I can just count on them trying to pursuade me into forgiving AJ, or they will all just ignore me. Either one will suck, but most importantly, it would suck if they tried to get me to forgive him.
If AJ see's me break down, he'll think that I wanna get back together. And right now, I'm not in the mood to do that. As much as I know I will be dating him again, I need to let him know how bad he is hurting me, so I will just keep my distant.
"It's different you sitting down here and all."
"I know Jess, it is. But uh, I'd rather not sit in my normal seat. Ya know?"
"Yeah, I know Timber. So, you wanna go up in line with me?"
"Nah, I'm fine, not really hungry."
"Okay"
I know what that look is for. She is probably thinking I'm not eating cuz I'm depressed. But I seriously am not hungry, plus it feels weird to buy my own lunch. Even when AJ is sick I don't buy my own lunch, I just sit here and hope he isn't sick the next day. And usually he isn't. I guess I have to get used to it though, at least for now.
"Um, is this seat filled?"
Please, if I don't look at you, will you just go away.
"Yeah, Jessica is sitting there Alexander."
Thank you Mandy, thank you. I can already tell he's moving, and he's probably pissed, he hates being called Alexander. I would too though, but he deserves it.
"Thanks Mandy."
"Welcome, but you gotta talk to him sometime. I'm going to buy my lunch, be back in a minute."
"Can I sit here just for a minute?"
Okay, so I guess I have to handle it and talk to him sooner then I had thought. Why did Mandy have to leave? Or maybe, AJ was just waiting for his free spot to move down here. Either way, it's now or never.
"Uh, can I, okay, this is hard. Cuz I just want to go back to at least being friends or whatever. And, I'd like it, well, can I buy you lunch?"
"Oh, uh, sure."
"Thanks baby."
"Yeah"
He called me baby, I should have yelled at him for that. But I couldn't, I couldn't yell at him. He's not acting like we are friends. He's acting like we are dating again, but he knows we aren't. I'll just ignore him after he gives me food, and then I'll hang up on him when he calls to talk to me, and I won't be there when he comes over. I'll keep myself busy for these next few days, that will show him I can live without him.
"What did he say?"
"He just asked if he could buy my lunch Kevin."
"Justin, listen, I know what AJ did to you was pretty horrible. And I know you don't wanna forgive him quickly, but, I know another person who wants to talk to you. He wants you to forgive him for what he did. So, could you please, just for a minute, talk to Nick. He feels like shit about this whole thing."
"Sure."
"Thank you."
I'll talk to him, I wanna hear what he has to say. I wanna know what he thinks he was doing by seducing AJ. Although, I'm sure AJ played a big part in the whole thing too, oh well, I'll listen.
"Justin, let me say I'm sorry. Okay, I know it doesn't mean much to you. I know you are pissed, I know you hate me and AJ right now, so I just wanna say I'm sorry. I was drunk, and believe me, I would never have done anything to hurt you intentionally. I didn't want AJ that night, I just wanted a body, and well, AJ was drunk and horny. So, please, even if you never forgive me, forgive him. He's heartbroken over this, and you know he doesn't get upset easily. He needs you, and I know you need him."
"Thanks for apologizing Nick, but don't tell me what I need."
"I didn't mean it like that. Justin, please, we're friends, I'm not trying to be the jealous guy on the side who wants your boyfriend. I'm trying to be a friend, a friend who is suggesting that you do the thing that will make you the happiest. Work this out with him, be needy, watch over him, get upset over stupid things for as long as it takes until you fully forgive him, but, please, let him know you still love him. Cuz right now, he needs to know it."
"Right now, I need to believe that he still loves me. I'm not just the asshole who won't take back AJ after his big fucking mistake. I'm trying to work this out and understand. I'm trying to handle it as quick as possible, and believe me, I would give anything to let him hold me. I would give anything to let him hug me, and kiss me. But right now, I can't do it that easily."
"Alright, I'm still sorry. Please, please, just talk to him then. When he comes back with your lunch, thank him instead of saying, yeah, or okay. Maybe even let him drive you home today?"
"I have to drive home, I drove to school."
"Okay, just let him know he still exists, even if it is the doghouse."
"Alright."
"Are we cool, at least kinda."
"I guess, thanks though Nick. I mean, for this talk. I don't know why, but I really wasn't even mad at you, even though you were the one he cheated on me with. I was just, well, totally pissed at him."
"I know how that goes, I can understand. I'm glad we talked about this, I'm still sorry."
"No problem, let's get back to the table."
Where is he with my lunch? I guess I wanna talk to him, I mean, that talk with Nick just made me realize that I do need to let him know he still has a chance, so he doesn't try to move on. Because I don't know what I'd do if I totally lose him, I don't even wanna think about what I would do if that happened.
"So, where is Alex?"
"He's in line, getting lunch."
"Oh"
"He isn't getting yours is he?"
It's bad enough when it's just Britney, but when Christina joins in they can be a big double force. Sometimes I wonder why everyone in the world isn't afraid of them.
"Yes, but I didn't really talk to him."
"Justin, when will you realize you have to make him regret his bastard ways."
"I don't know Brit, when are you going to realize I have to handle this in my own way, instead of yours?"
"Sorry, looks like he's on his way back anyways."
Okay, so now I'm in a fight with AJ, Britney's pissed at me, which means Christina is pissed at me too. I'm not on good terms with Howie, Brian, Kevin, or Nick just because they are better friends with AJ. And basically, I'm in a depressed mood, now I'm going to have the whole table staring at me when AJ comes back to talk to me. And all I really need right now is a whole bunch of eyes staring at me. I can't take this fucking shit.
"I got you some chicken and fries, cuz you didn't tell me what you wanted."
"Thanks, uh, can we talk some where in private, like the student council room?"
"Sure."
I think he thinks we are going to make up, that smile was so cute though. Maybe I do wanna make up with him, but on the same hand, I don't. I just wanna talk to him in a public place, without people there, so if I do break down no one will see, but at the same time I'll be more compelled to keep my composure.
"So, um, I'm sorry again."
"I know you are, and I don't wanna sit here and talk about it. I just wanna let you know, that I still love you. I always will, and well, I talked to Nick and he made me realize that I needed to let you know that. Because, I'm not ready to be your boyfriend again, I just, I don't want you to move on past me. I don't wanna lose you for good."
Okay, so much for not crying. I have to hold strong. I have to pull it together, oh my god, not with his arms around me. I'm sobbing now, into his shoulders. But he's always been so strong, so comforting, this feels so right.
"Oh, baby, I would never forget you. I can't move on, you will always be mine. I know you can't forgive me right away, but I'll wait until you can."
"Thanks"
"Shhh, just relax, don't cry over this."
I wish, this was as easy on me, as it was on everyone else. I watched today as people stared at me, and as Summer told a few off. I watched AJ worry, I can always tell when he does that. And some where in me, I think I realized a small part of what it's like to be normal. I'm popular, I'm gay, and I've got friends, and in the end, Summer, unpopular, straight and fag hag to the school, goes through the same things I go through.
Because, high school isn't about your popularity, it isn't about your sexuality, I realized with my boyfriend, and I can call him that, because I truly forgive him, that high school is about your friends. It's about looking around you, realizing who was there for you and who wasn't. And if some of them weren't, and some of them were, maybe, just maybe I found the ones I wanna keep.
If it took me four years, dozens of different groups to find my place. If it took me a hundred mistakes to find the correction finally that would set me on the right path. And if it took me a horrible secret revealed to find the love with in me, and my boyfriend, and the friendship among some one highly unlikely, well, in the end, it was all worth it.
Because I found everything I needed. I don't need a Britney, or a Joey, or a Brian. I don't need a group of people that only respect me because I'm Mr. Popular. I found what I do need, love in a boyfriend, love in a friend, and love in myself. And through all my findings, I found the real reason I went through all this in just the first term of school, because I had to find myself. And I did, in every meaning of that statement...
I found myself.
It's over, I know short, but sorry, I'm no good with long stories. And five chapters is pretty decent. I hope you liked the story. I hope that you at least don't write me negative things, cuz those type of e-mails suck. Well, I wanna thank all the people who wrote me about this story, cuz fans are the reasons I write. Thanks.