Disclaimer : This is a work of fiction. I don't mean to state anything about the sexuality of Anakin Skywalker, Hayden Christensen or anyone else.
Note : This story of mine will only make use of the Star Wars characters, and will barely follow the Star Wars story, if at all.
Planes of Gray - part 1
I remembered the smell. It was of raw sex, nothing more. Mountains of lust satisfied in an instant. My hands ran down his back, my head arching back as I thrust into him - each motion deeper and faster. So long without. Sweat covered my body, and still it ran down my face, another cold drop running down the groove in my back. My hot breath on his back, and his furious grunts of pleasure, each time louder and louder. The primal roar at the climax as I emptied myself into him, and his ecstatic convulsions and groans as he was pushed over the edge too. Then it was finished... his harsh breathing as he tried to recover, my calm sedation as I lay on his back, some final small thrusts to end off the moment. The shocked inhalation as I saw a slit of light appear, the door opening, and a boot step in. A Jedi's boot.
I was pulled out of my thoughts by a soft creak to my right. I was sitting in the waiting chamber, tapping my fingers on the armrest of the chair, impatient at having been made to wait for so long. It was inevitable that I thought on the event which had happened just three days previously. It was, after all, why I was here. Slowly craning my neck to the right, I saw a woman appear, the council secretary.
"The council will see you now, Master Jedi."
I took my time to stand up. Rising, I patted my white Jedi robes even though there was no need. Wrapping my dark brown cloak around myself, I tied it lightly with the leather belt around my waist. I walked towards the entrance to the main council chamber, and watched with amusement as the secretary shied away from me. I carried a presence around me. Everyone knew who I was. Besides that, I was a formidable man anyway. I was tall at 6"2, and I was good looking too. Or at least, those comments used to follow me everywhere. Either way, women fell in love with my dark cropped hair, tall disposition and penetrating green eyes. Pft... women. I was a legend in my own right among the Jedi, but I rarely thought on it. Arrogance was a dangerous emotion, but so very powerful at times when people were continually lauding you.
I stepped into the chamber and I heard the doors close, the secretary making an exit from the obviously electric atmosphere. I strode casually to the centre of the chamber, the focus of a circle of Jedi Masters. Every seat was full. So, they had called a full attendance as I had expected they would. I faced Yoda and Windu, the most formidable of our number. Their faces were grave and I could feel the whole council trying to probe my mind with the Force. How sad they were if they thought they could pierce one of the strongest wills in the Order.
"You know why you are here," Master Windu said, his face grave.
"Do I?" I said simply.
"A game you play with us," Yoda said sullenly. "Be mindful of your feelings, Deryk. This time is serious for us, one and all."
"I made no joke, Yoda. I wish to be informed as to why I have been called to trial before my peers." My face was leaden.
Ki-adi Mundi sat forward. "Your crimes, as you put them, are well known to you."
"Peace, my friend," Mace Windu said to the Jedi sitting to his right. "Deryk, you are one of the great Masters of the Age. You would have been on this council years ago if not for your refusal to lead our kind. Yet, you have broken the Code in a serious way, to say the least. You consorted with another human being, made a union despite knowing it's consequences in our eyes."
I sniffed rudely and Mace pulled back affronted. "The Code," I said simply. "You are right in saying that I am a Master, and like all those who grow, I grew to despise elements of the Code, despite honoring it for the entirety of my twenty-six years. I grew to feel, and I felt the heat of passion and of love."
Yoda cut in. "Passion and love cause attachment, Deryk. You know this. You know the risk it would place you at if you lost it suddenly."
I turned my glare to Yoda. "So, you would have Jedi never know the fever of love or the exhilaration of passion, just so that they would not feel the pain of loss? What about the pain of denial? Isn't that surely a certain path to the Dark Side?"
"We train our Padawans to reject all forms of strong emotion from the outset. You've trained a Padawan. Don't display a false ignorance before us, as if we are fools, Deryk," Windu said dangerously.
"You are fools for denying the entire Order something which is so natural. How can you claim to help the people if you cannot understand the most simple impulses which drive them? You're persecuting me for something any of you would die to experience. I'll say it..." I was speaking hotly, but I kept any anger at bay. I was far too disciplined for that. Yet when Mace Windu interrupted me I felt the artery on the side of my head start to pulsate with rage.
"Enough!" he said as if passing judgment. "Our Code has stood for thousands of years, and because of it we can safely resist the Dark Side. You were discovered having physical relations with one of the older Padawans, and this we cannot allow."
I looked at the polished floor. Hendar had been shipped off out of the Jedi Enclave the next day, never to be raised as a Jedi despite his years of dedicated training, but rather to float around the galaxy abandoned looking for work. I thought that a Master was above such finality, but my feelings told me that I was wrong.
Yoda stared at me for a moment. The silence in the chamber was absolute. "Our judgment is unanimous, Jedi Master Deryk Sartori. Exiled as a Jedi you are, never to carry the name of our Order again, never to perform in our honour again."
My mouth dropped despite my efforts to resist. It was done. My life was forever changed, maybe over. I struggled to maintain myself, and I could feel their unseen eyes pressing against my mind as sharply as ever. "So this is how you thank me for years of service? This is how you thank me for settling the Corellian dispute which would have lead to civil war, or killing the traitor Yutan, which none of you could do? Or the Hoth rebellion which seized four planets before I held it at bay? Or for finding more Padawans than any ten of you combined? Need I go on?"
Mace Windu was scandalized. "You cannot use past acts to exonerate yourself, Deryk!"
"But you see fit to use them to condemn me!" I shouted.
"The judgment cannot be reversed and is final," Obi-Wan said to my left. "You must surrender your lightsaber and leave the Jedi Temple before the day is done."
I took out my lightsaber and played with the hilt in my hand. Looking at it, I felt the pride of my exquisite work. A rare purple saber. The Masters were dumbstruck when I managed to make one, something which they thought only Mace Windu and Yoda had the attunement to create. It was the symbol of my dedication to the Jedi. Was. I raised my head defiantly, my tone thick with disdain.
"Let that Jedi who wants this saber, come and take it from me."
I felt all the Masters except Windu and Yoda draw on the Force. I could never take them all, and even one of them would lead to a serious duel, but at the same time I knew their limitations. I was not of the Dark Side, and I was no threat... and they could do nothing. Silence greeted my challenge, Windu looking at me over clasped hands, Yoda looking at me over his small walking stick. I laughed mockingly at them, and turned on my heel. Walking out of the council rapidly, I slammed the doors open using the Force and left.
In the council chambers...
The silence stretched for almost a full minute. Some of the Jedi shifted uneasily, obviously disturbed by their thoughts. Mace Windu turned to look at Yoda.
"You felt it?" Windu said.
"Felt it I did," Yoda said shaking his head in dismay. "His passion runs like fire in his veins. Surrounding Deryk, the Dark Side is. Waiting. Waiting for him to surrender."
Windu nodded sadly. "He may turn yet."
"In time we will regret not seizing him," Obi-Wan said gravely.
Windu rounded on him aggressively, and people who didn't know his feelings would think him angry. "Do NOT forget who he is. He did wonders for us, and he was a great friend of mine."
Yoda contested Windu on the rarest of occasions, but he did so this time. "Do not allow friendship to blind you, my friend. A very powerful Jedi he is. If consumed by the Dark Side he is, a terrible fate I foresee for many of our brethren."
Windu nodded, but his eyes fell in sorrow. "Then we should watch him. The Order must take priority over our friendships."
Back in the main passages...
I was walking briskly towards my chambers, my breathing heavy. I felt shocked at how close I was to open anger, or terrible sorrow. I ignored the flurry of greetings from Jedi in the passages, or the courteous bows of Padawans or young Jedi. Their shocked stares followed me. Surely a Jedi Master had never walked these passages in such a mood, at least not since the times of Exar Kun.
The Force had sent me warnings when I initiated something with Hendar, and I knew this could be the price that I might pay. But it's weight seemed unbearable. My chest was closing. I had dreamed of being a Jedi for my entire childhood and when I was discovered by Adi-Gallia on Alderaan at the age of eight, I was ecstatic for weeks. I'd spent twice as long as any other Padawan on my studies every night, I'd always listened to Yoda when he'd commanded me as his student. I honed every skill, worked on every flaw in my character. I was raised to Jedi Knight when I was sixteen, and was a Master at twenty-one : an unparalleled achievement. I could count Jedi who could match my strength in the Force on one hand, and now it was over. Over! The pain in my chest grew.
I saw Anakin Skywalker walking toward me and I flinched. Anyone but him! He was the reason that this had all happened, if not the direct cause. When I was eighteen I had set my eyes on him, and I fell in love. Yoda spent days trying to figure out the emotional turbulence which tore at my self-control after that encounter. His eyes and mouth were so beautiful, that all I could do was let the Force flow through me and practice simple Padawan lessons in concentration to prevent myself from leaping onto him that first time I saw him. After that first encounter, I was convinced I was gay and I never felt the same peace in my soul again. I hungered to hold Anakin in my arms, but at the same time I rolled around in bed many nights in a row trying to settle my uncontrolled feelings. It was a sheer miracle that Yoda never puzzled out the source of my distress. Ever since then, I had lusted after Anakin but I might as well have wanted to own a planet. He was the golden boy of the Jedi, Obi-Wan's immensely talented friend and a newly raised Jedi. He was perhaps the only Jedi who exceeded me in raw strength in the Force, and I felt a whirlwind in my soul every time he passed me in the passages. He was sheer power, but even without the Force he made my heart leap and he left my mouth dry with desire.
Every single Jedi I had fucked out of lust I had done with Anakin in my mind. I loved none of them, and used them to satisfy my physical needs. My problem was unsolved though, because my mind wanted Anakin, and it wanted him bad. The council never knew about the others though. I'd do them in the secrecy of my chambers, and then use the Force to make them forget the experience. Not that they didn't accept in the first place, but a free tongue might have got us all into trouble. I remained true to them too, and the council would never have a reason to expel those Jedi who wanted more than the Force. Except in Hendar's case. I was so caught up with the guy that I we started going at one another in his Padawan chambers. Until his Master showed up to check on him.
I leaned against the wall, hoping with all my soul that he would pass me by. We were casual acquaintances, but he was always more than friendly with me. I resisted his attempts at friendship because I knew I couldn't trust myself around him. I would have been unbalanced, and even Yoda wouldn't have been able to settle down those torrential emotions. Alas, my day became worse. Anakin saw me, a broad smile appearing on his perfect face. I felt sick. As he neared, he noticed my grief-stricken appearance, beads of sweat on my brow, and dark rings under my eyes. I was having trouble breathing.
"Deryk, what's wrong," he asked worriedly, and more than concerned. He laid his hand on my shoulder, and squeezed it reassuringly. I flinched again, torn with the desire to enjoy his touch, even if it was out of pity, and the desire to flee.
"I'm sorry, Anakin," I said hoarsely, and then something remarkable happened. A single tear streaked down my face. Anakin gasped, and I felt as shocked as him. Jedi never cried. I had never cried since my training began. It was the blunt truth that everything was going downhill, the situation tearing at my years of mental training like a clawed animal. Panic appeared on my face as I looked into Anakin's anguished eyes, his mouth open in shock and not knowing what to say. Clearly he thought the worst affliction must be affecting me for someone of my caliber to weep. I brushed his hand off my shoulder and ran as fast I could, and I heard him trailing after me. Suffused with the power of the Force, I bolted forward like lightning, fifty times faster than an ordinary man could run. Reaching my chambers I looked down the passage I had come from, and reached out with my feelings. Good. I could sense he hadn't followed me. I placed my hand on the access panel, and it read the print before letting me in. Sealing the door to my large chambers, I walked to the bed to lie down, but collapsed well short on the cold floor. On my knees in the empty chamber, I began to weep, a hundred years tears rolling down my cheeks. My sorrow was too much. I had been stripped of everything, and lost everything I'd cared for. The Jedi. Anakin. My greatness. Anakin. I wept and collapsed onto the floor, curling up in my robes to shield myself from the eyes of the world. I wanted the Force to leave me alone, but at the same time it seemed to be my only consolation in the world. I fell asleep on the floor and dreamed for the first time in fifteen years. Anakin kissing me. Anakin hitting me in the face. Windu cutting me down with his saber. Yoda hugging my leg in admiration. What was going on? Visions? Nightmares? Dreams? Fantasies?
I awoke with a shudder. The room was pitch black and I flicked the switch with the Force. Standing up, I gathered all my valuables into one small sack. These included my non-Jedi clothing, my favourite books, and memoirs from all the planets I had visited. I stared at my trophies and awards from various governments with despair, but in the end decided to leave them behind as a reminder to those who would clean out this room for some unsuspecting new inhabitant. It was very late at night, and I had already exceeded my mandate to clear the ground before the day was done. I encountered no one in the passages and stepped out of the Jedi Temple after a long walk. Turning, I looked at the immense statues and impressiveness of the structure. I smiled briefly - it was my home for so very long, and I loved it, just like I loved Anakin. Walking down the hundreds of steps leading up to the main entrance, I carried the sack with ease. I was physically fit, a product of the missions which were pushed my way. I walked and walked until I came to a shuttle depot. I had enough credits to sustain a good life for many years, but first I would need to purchase a simple shuttle to fly somewhere. No crew, just a shuttle to leave this place. After paying the treacherous shuttle owner for his craft, I walked towards the craft. My boots echoed on the shiny black surface. I couldn't see a single being, even though the airways of Coruscant appeared to be as active as ever.
"I have found you at last," came a wretched voice behind me. I froze and didn't turn around. I could feel him behind me, standing still but coiled like a viper. A presence as black as midnight, the Dark Side in a focus stronger than I had ever felt.
I smiled cruelly to myself. "Then you might regret what you sought," I said in an iron tone. My saber was in my hand in less than a second, and I leaped fifty feet in his direction, igniting it in midair. It didn't matter what this thing was. It was going to die.
End of Chapter 1.
Hope you enjoyed it. I'll write chapter two when I can. Any feedback can be sent to rahvin747@yahoo.com.