Legal Stuff: The author (that's me) retains the rights to and title to this story.
Note: This story is fiction and is by no means depicting the life of any living person, place or thing. It contains no penetrative sexual acts between males YET and should only be read if it is legal to do so in your area.
Read at your own risk, okay. All names are made up and any similarities are just dumb luck.
Guys, thanks for the support although I've been really amazingly late in writing CH 5. At least I know there are people still reading PT. No sex yet but bear with me. We'll get there ;-) sooner or later. Thanks for the emails RAD and keep 'em coming. Keep me motivated 'coz I'm a lazy writer.
The Plane Trip Chapter 5 By Fjord
Somehow I know this is a dream. Maybe it's the fact that Zack's mouth is on mine. Or the fact that Joshua is lying next to me looking intently at Zack and me kissing. The background music "Only Time" by Enya is a dead give-away. I didn't bring that CD with me to New York. It's stashed somewhere in my room at home.
"Mmmm..." I moan as Zack's tongue breaks through my unresisting lips and into my waiting mouth. I hold him tighter as an undescribable feeling overcame my senses when my tongue touch his for the first time. I want to suck in his whole essence through his soft, hot tongue. I want to make him love me forever. I want him to yearn for me every single minute of his life. Slowly, I open my eyes and see Zack trying to pull away from me. He is crying. I am crying. Joshua is crying. I want out of this nightmare. I let Zack go but he doesn't leave. He looks at me and smiles while tears are streaming down his cheeks.
"I love you, Jimmy," Zack says. The words are sweet to my ears but they pierce through my heart like a poisoned sword. I can't breathe. It hurts. It fucking hurts. He will never love me... He will never love me... He will never be mine...
I turn my head away from him and look at Joshua. Joshua will love me.
"No, I don't love you," Joshua says as if reading my mind, but then this is a dream.
I reach out for him and pull his head closer to mine and kiss him as I look at Zack who's looking at us kissing. Laci is now standing in front of him and kisses him on the lips. Zack is still looking at me and then he winks at me.
Then I scream out loud in anger.
I wake up face down on the pillow. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why the pillow is wet. I am still crying.
I think I need help. But who can I talk to? Maggie is my Mom's sister, so she's out of the question. I have no one else. The only one who would understand is the main cause of my fucking problem.
Somehow I don't feel like getting up. As I lie in bed helpless with my heart aching for Zack, sleep overcomes me again while my cheeks are damp with tears that never seem to run dry. Fuck.
I wake up again, this time more peacefully. I had slept in the same clothes I wore this afternoon. Oh my God, it's around 5 o'clock in the morning if the wall clock is correct. I must have slept through the whole night. When I came back to the aparment yesterday it was around 5 in the afternoon. This jetlag thing must be kicking in, I think.
I didn't have dinner last night and the sound of my stomach growling confirms it. When I got in yesterday, the regular cleaning lady, Juanita, opened the door for me. It seemed that the security is so tight at the building that everyone working in the building has a walkie-talkie or something. The security guy apparently called Juanita about me coming in. She told me that Maggie went to her studio and will only be back late tonight. I felt relieved then, fearing another close interrogation of myself by my Mom's sister. I didn't think I could've handled it then. I got another microwave dinner prepared by Maggie but I was so tired I decided to just take a nap before having dinner. The nap turned into a whole night sleep for me.
I think of the dream last night and grab a pillow to hug in an instant reaction. Shit! I've to get a hold of myself. It was just a dream. It didn't mean anything. I wanted Zack to tell me he loved me and that was what I got in my dream. And JJ said he didn't love me which was the opposite of the fact that he said told me he liked me yesterday afternoon.
Anyway, Zack is probably fucking or kissing Laci right now. Seems ironic that the girl that finally pinned him down is his neighbor friend since childhood. And Zack is my best friend since our childhood. But, damn it, I like Laci and I think she likes me too but there is this invisible barrier between us ever since she became Zack's girlfriend. Okay, so I am jealous. I am shitting-in-my-pants jealous. She is always nice to me but I can't help feeling that she didn't trust me or that she's hiding something from me. Zack did say that some people knew about my secret obsession for him. Now that I think about it, Laci must have known. Zack must have told her. Fuck! That asshole has a big mouth. He must have told her. Or Laci noticed my behaviour around Zack. I heard that girls do have some sort of gaydar. It didn't help that Laci is also pretty. Okay, so she's hot but I bet... Oh, forget it... she's fucking hot and I know it too. Both of them are like the teenage Ken and Barbie. Yuck!
So, I do like JJ and since he likes me too, then I'll tell him I also like him... maybe later. Or maybe never. I don't think I want to be on a rebound romance. I'll probably hurt myself or worse hurt JJ along the way. This love thing is so damn fucking shitty. Maybe it's better if I don't have a heart and just fuck around and have the greatest sex life until I die. But it's never gonna be like that because I know I won't do anything like that. I'll probably end up as a gay hermit sitting cross-legged inside a freezing cold cave 13000 feet above sea level with people visiting me for advice, thinking I'm this wise old man when in fact I'm this fake gay chicken shit boy who didn't have the balls to just lay everything on the line and just say 'Fuck the world! I'm gonna get me some! And then some!'
Man! I should've kissed Zack that day and at least I would find out his real feelings for me instead of listening to that broken record of him saying "I love you Jimmy but just as a friend," again and again. Regret is such a stupid thing. What's the point of regret if not to torture yourself to death? Shit! What happened had happened and I shouldn't even dwell upon it but it FUCKING bugs me! Zack is the ONE for me and I fucking know it and that's the whole insane thing about it. Zack doesn't want me like that. Anything less to me is just fucking stupid! But he used the F word. He used the fucking F word on me and I fucking hate him for that. My God, why is it possible for me to hate him and love him at the same time and Zack couldn't both love me and also be a Friend too. It's fucking unfair and I am such a stupid, stupid shithead. He doesn't love me and here I am thousands of miles away pining for him and he fucking said he didn't want me. He didn't want me and he said it so plainly and clearly but I still couldn't understand it. I want him! I want him! I want him! Zack, you fucking asshole! I have to calm down. Shit.
What worries me is that particular 'thought' that flits in my head and quickly gets dismissed in a nanosecond because I'm stronger than that. Yes, the idea of Death. I know I can handle not having Zack love me back. It hurts but I can take it. However, on the plane trip, I did think about the plane crashing and then I would die and Zack would regret everything he said. But then it would have been selfish and really stupid because my wish fulfilled would kill everyone else on the plane and so I quickly told God that I didn't mean it. But as I said, those thoughts do come and go.
I can't stand it anymore, all this self pity. If I go on like this I'll be talking to myself and eating rubbish by some dirty sidewalk soon. Imagine, me being mad at the age of seventeen because of you Zack!
Shit! I gotta get up or I'll go crazy.
I get up the bed and walk slowly to the bathroom while shedding my clothes leaving a trail of T-shirt, pants and just before the bathroom door, my underwear. I'll have to pick them up later but I want to be an asshole for now. I am as naked as a new born baby and I feel like one right now. The person looking at me from the mirror is so pathetic that I want to slap him silly. Life is not gonna stop. The world is not gonna disappear just because of one person rejecting me. Maybe if I let JJ in I will at least find another soul mate. JJ is quite a cute guy. And he's openly gay and he did say he was interested in me in that way. Everybody I know say I'm cute but when JJ said it he meant it in a sexual way and that really turns me on. Maybe it's time for me to let go of this ideal of being a virgin until the FIRST time because that ideal needs two people (me and my true fucking love) to even start happening. And I'm not even gonna think about the true love I had wanted because that is already history. Sayonara. He made it history. Never gonna happen. So, I'm gonna make my own history by finding another true love and I am gonna enjoy myself while doing so by fucking each guy that is a candidate until I find the GUY.
"Yes, I promise not to be thinking of my best friend Zack because that's all he is, my best friend and so I respect his wishes by finding another boy to fuck!" I say to my reflection in the mirror and smile to it. Boy, am I gonna have fun with my new approach in life. No more "I can't fuck you because I have a potential true love and his name is Zack" excuses to tell myself because today I have made a decision and I am gonna stick to it, so help me God.
I feel a little bit silly saying that stuff to myself, not because what I said was actually silly but because I find my right hand over my heart as if I was saying the pledge of allegiance. It's too damn corny. I'm hungry like a wolf. I'll just take a quick shower. No sex.
The quick shower turned out to be a long jacking off session with JJ as my willing fantasy boy. I smile to myself as I pour OJ into the tall glass while waiting for a couple of toast to pop out of the... errm, toaster. Maggie is probably still asleep.
"Good morning," Maggie startles me from my morning New York state of mind. I almost dropped the orange juice container.
"Errm... morning," I reply.
"You didn't eat your dinner last night..."
"Yeah, I overslept. I'm really hungry right now."
"I'm sorry about yesterday..."
"About what?" I ask, knowing full well what she meant.
"When I said those words yesterday, I just wanted Joshua to feel welcome... He told me earlier he was gay... I... I assumed you knew. I'm really sorry..."
"Yeah, you shouldn't have said that. It made him think I was..., you know..."
"I know... He told me last night."
"He called you?" I ask.
"Actually, he wanted to talk to you but you were asleep..."
"Shi..., errm... I forgot..." I reply. An uncomfortable quiet follow my uncomfortable answer.
"I wanted to talk to you too. Do you wanna talk?" Maggie asks.
The world stopped for a millisecond when I hear her question. My mind is whirling with questions of what she actually wanted to ask. And only one question comes out of the crazy stuff still spinning in my brain.
"Did you think I was gay too?"
"Oooh... Hard question for breakfast... But yes, I thought you were gay, and I was okay with it. Still am."
I am stunned and I can't make myself look at her right now. I know I'm gay and Zack knows and now I have the option of having another name in my coming out list.
"I haven't told Mom and Dad," I say to her as I looked at her. There is a softness in her eyes as she gazes at me. In a second I find myself wrapped in her soft arms. I cry a little bit, feeling relief and fear at the same time.
We talk further at the breakfast table. Maggie promises to let me tell my parents about me being gay on my own terms. I feel better and better as she keeps on saying that she's going to support and help me through this period in my life. I barely knew her and here I am telling her my deepest secrets. I haven't told her about Zack though. I'll tell her later when I can say his name without going bonkers.
"How did you know I was...?" I ask shyly.
Maggie smiles sadly at me.
"Am I that obvious?"
"No, no... It wasn't like that... You were having a bad dream the first night you were here... And you actually said in your sleep that you loved someone called Zach..."
I just look down in sadness and embarrassment.
"It's okay Jimmy. I'm here for you. Do you want to talk about Zach?"
"No!" I answer too fast and maybe a little harsh. "Sorry, I mean, maybe later, when I'm ready..." I add.
"I understand..."
"Wanna go out and get a big New York breakfast?" Maggie says as our intimate conversation comes to a natural end; our stomach were growling.
"Okay... Gotta finish these first though...," I reply, looking at my toast and OJ.
"Right, no food wasting in this home. We have to remember while we're dumping leftovers in the garbage can, at the same time a kid in Africa is probably sleeping with an empty stomach..."
I look at her with a blank face not knowing if she's kidding or serious. I finish the food just in case.
Maggie and I talked again during breakfast outside at the posh diner just beside the apartment building. It turned out that Maggie has a lot of gay friends and she wanted me to get to know some of them. She said it's for my self esteem and understanding of the life I was going to have later on once I decide to come out completely. It felt weird that she assumed that I would come out to everyone but I didn't disagree with her because I wasn't sure of my decision on that issue yet. So I just let her talk.
She told me that she wouldn't mind having me work with her at her workplace. She said the boss would accept me if I agree to work hard. I said yes, of course. Staying inside the apartment is cool but working for money is much better. Actually, I didn't ask her but I assumed that I would be paid.
Right now, Maggie is walking with me to her workplace. Truth is, I am desperately following the red scarf around her neck as she sidesteps and dodges the crowd in front of us to get to her office. Once in a while I lose sight of her but the red scarf helped. It was her idea anyway. It works. Anyway, our destination was within walking distance from her apartment so if I got lost, I can always go back or call her on my cell.
The red scarf stops at the door of five-story building made in glass.
"Glad you survived the typical New York crowd," she says with a smile. I smile back bravely.
"Oh, it was nothing...," I say with a shrug of my shoulders. I didn't want to tell her how my ass and crotch was grabbed a few times during the 'walk'. I am having a boner right now because I think one of the perverts was actually really cute. Too bad he's a pervert. Shit, that just made me a pervert.
"Come in then..." Maggie says as she opened the door to let me in first. I think she winked but I can't tell with that Jackie-O dark glasses she had on.
Inside the building, we go past the reception area through a large wide open door, straight into the gallery. The gallery ceiling is pretty high up and the showroom is very spacious. How can my lowly seventeen year old mind explain a gallery? This is how. It's a big gallery with lots of beautiful black and white photos printed in big sizes and framed in nice frames hanging on the walls that are painted in white. The theme of the exhibition is 'survival of the oppressed'. There are some gay stuff there but not too many.
We meet some people and I'm introduced as her nephew from California on a summer visit. My smile's beginning to cramp my cheeks' muscles.
"Okay, I bet you're screaming inside already."
I nod vigorously to her statement. She laughs loudly as she drags me towards the reception area again. We take the elevator to the 11th floor where Maggie says the boss office is located.
I am quite shocked that she opened the door that says Metropolitan East Gallery Director witout even knocking. That's rude. Shit, now I have a rude aunt who's sitting in the director's chair.
"I don't think you're supposed to do that. He might come in anytime." I say nervously.
"Don't worry, he's a she..."
"The director's a woman?"
"Yeah and she's me..."
"Huh? You're the gallery director?" I say with a frown.
"Yes."
"You're not kidding me?"
"No."
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"I wanted to surprise you." She says with a big satisfied smile on her face. She tricked me into working for her. Clever bit... Can I call Maggie a female dog? I shouldn't.
Maggie owns the place. She is the boss. My aunt is fucking rich. She owns like this gallery where famous artists and photographers show their stuff. I can't believe it. And I'm gonna have to work for my money. I can't fucking believe it. She could've just given me money and have this really grateful nephew living luxuriously in her apartment but no, she wants me to work for her.
I should've known it. Like her sister in California, Maggie knows how to put me in a spot. The money she offered was too good to pass but if I had known earlier, I could've milked the cash out of her fat bank account with my charm and wit. Yeah, right... My mom must've planned all this. Dad would have just followed her lead. My sneaky mom... Though with the money, I can buy my own car and freak her out. Of course I wouldn't do that but I could... Shit, mom always wins these psychological games. She knows me too well. I wonder if she knows about my feelings for Zack...
Woow, my cellphone is vibrating on my ass. It's in my pants left back pocket. Feels good but maybe it's Zack. Okay, let him wait on my ass for a while...hehehe...
After 10 seconds I take the call.
"It's me JJ... Were you in the shower?"
"You wish..."
"Okay, good one... Are you free this afternoon?"
"Why? Miss me already?" I ask playfully.
"Don't be such a dork... It's limp okay..." JJ replies with such coolness that I should've expected from someone so... err, cool. I actually blush in reaction.
"What?"
"Hehehe... See, if you can't stand the heat don't even get near my salami..."
I keep quiet as I hear JJ yelp in pain on the phone.
"What was that? Your dick got caught in the zipper?" I make my come back in a grand way.
"Nope... It was my dad. He told me to be decent and pinched my sexy belly."
I laugh loudly as I imagine his pain. My mom does that a lot when Kenny and I were fooling around with... Zack... I stop my laughter in a sudden. Will it be like this always...?
"So are you free or not?"
"Yeah, I'm free. Pick me up at the apartment's front entrance." I say and switch off the cell.
I'm going to tell him the the truth. I'm really going to tell him...
TBC
If you like this story, please tell me at fyiord@yahoo.com. If you have any constructive criticism, I'm all ears.
This is my third attempt. The other two are in High School, i.e. Heartache (completed - Jan 31 2004) and Living In A Box (unfinished - Jul 19 2003) if you haven't read them yet.