This story is entirely fictional, and any resemblances to actual persons are completely coincidental. Actual locations are mentioned, and are used for 'background' only.
'Phalen - Finding Happiness' Chapter two
by Roy Reinikainen
Both Jeff and Brad looked up as the front door to the house opened. "Hey men," Phalen said, glancing quickly from Jeff to Brad and noticing the somber expression on both men's faces. "I've brought along a strong man to help us carry all your stuff, Brad." Phalen flopped onto the sofa next to Jeff while Larry sat on a chair facing the other men, sparing a brief glance at Brad and frowning slightly at Brad's expression before glancing at his son and Jeff. There were undercurrents in the room he could not puzzle out.
"I'm just a small guy," Phalen went on as if nothing was wrong. "I'm no good at heavy lifting." He chuckled. "Dad may look like a weakling, but there's an athlete underneath all those clothes." He gave his father a sparkling smile as he continued speaking. "He's actually got quite a few muscles." Phalen turned an ingenuous expression toward Brad, blinking his deep blue eyes. "Have you ever felt them?" At Phalen's expression, Brad broke into a wide smile and bright laugh, seeming to instantly relax. Jeff though, still seemed to be in a solemn mood. Out of the corner of his eye, Larry saw Phalen reach out to Jeff and place a hand on his leg, giving it a slight squeeze.
"Yes, Phalen, I've felt them." Brad glanced toward Larry, joining Phalen in teasing his father. "In fact, we've compared . . . muscles, on a number of occasions." Phalen's eyebrows rose and if anything, his smile grew brighter.
"His is bigger," Brad concluded in a deadpan voice. Larry slowly shook his bowed head.
"Don't fall for the shy and retiring routine, guys," Brad laughed. "Give him half a chance and he'll strip and show his . . . muscle, to anyone."
"Same with this one," Phalen nodded in Jeff's direction.
"What? Leave me out of this." Jeff finally seemed to be relaxing.
Phalen sat up and leaned closer to Brad who nodded agreement. "The big ones just like to show off, ya know."
Brad joined in the laughter and patted the sofa next to him.
"C'mon, Larry. Sit next to me. You're acting like we're strangers or something. I'll stop teasing. I promise."
"I won't," Phalen murmured in the background.
Larry self-consciously moved to Brad's side and put his arm around Brad's shoulders.
"Have you got your stuff ready," he asked. Brad nodded, but before he could say anything he was interrupted by the ring of his cell phone.
"It's the folks," he said after glancing at the face of the phone. He stood and walked across the living room and then out into the courtyard where he was visible slowly pacing back and forth in the dappled shade of an acacia tree.
"Are you okay, Larry," Jeff quietly asked, watching Brad pace back and forth in the courtyard over Larry's shoulder. Phalen silently watched his father.
"Yeah, I'm fine." He leaned back on the sofa and stretched his arms out to either side, resting them on the sofa's back. "This gay-life is more complicated than I ever imagined though." Jeff gave him a blank look.
"It took me a little while to even admit I might be gay. Eighteen years to be exact. Then, I met Andrew and suddenly everything accelerated. He and I had a whirlwind relationship. The whole thing left me breathless, guys. Things were moving so fast. I was accustomed to experiencing the same thing day after day for years on end. Suddenly, I . . . wasn't. I was having fun, but all the while I was wondering if I was in love." He turned toward Phalen. "I don't want to make the same mistake I made with your mother, and jump into something without thoroughly thinking it through." He took a deep breath. "I find I'm constantly second guessing myself, afraid I might do just that."
"Well, once I did think things through, it was clear my feelings weren't as strong as Andrew's." He bowed his head for a moment and lowered his voice slightly. "It was terrible having to tell him I didn't feel for him what he felt for me." He looked up and his expression made it clear how difficult his discussion with Andrew had been.
"Now, with hardly a moment to catch my breath, I find I'm developing feelings for Brad." He glanced over his shoulder to see if the subject of his conversation was still outside. When he turned back, both Jeff and Phalen were watching him intently.
"I think the tables may be turned this time. I may be the one developing feelings, and Brad may be the one who will end up telling me he's not interested." Larry thought a few moments.
"Guys, I'm fifteen years older than him! Because of that, we don't have a whole lot in common other than being gay and loving to run . . . and things like that. That may not be enough to build a relationship upon." He took a deep breath and paused for a few moments. "And then there's Curt."
Larry stopped speaking as Phalen glanced past him. "Everything okay?" he asked, as Brad came back into the room. He nodded to Phalen, and once again sat next to Larry, taking his hand and smiling at him.
"Yeah, things are fine. Dad and Mom are just wondering when I'm going to come by for dinner. I guess I've been ignoring them lately. I told them I'm in the middle of moving, but that I'll be coming by soon." He gave Larry a sidelong glance accompanied by his devilish smile. "I also told 'em I might bring my new roommate to meet them." He grinned when Larry turned to him with a surprised expression.
"You'll like 'em." He withdrew his hand and gave Larry a gentle slap on the back. "And they'll like you."
"I guess if I'm going to shift my stuff to your place, we'd better get started." They all stood and headed for the room Brad had been using. "Larry, didn't you tell me I'm going to be using Phalen's old room?"
"What? My room?" Phalen hefted a large box and made a face as if he were struggling. "I thought you guys might be spending your time . . . closer together." He saw Jeff give him a glance full of meaning. "What," he asked, winking at Brad as he passed.
"There's nothing wrong with being close." He glanced at his father who was carrying another box. "Is there, Dad?"
An hour later, Brad's things had finally been moved to Larry's. Jeff and Phalen said their good byes and headed home, walking shoulder to shoulder.
"You know what I've been thinking?" Phalen turned to Jeff and nudged him slightly, grinning broadly and wiggling his eyebrows. "I've been thinking how cool it'd be for the two of us to get nekkid and enjoy being alone. We've only got a couple days before Greg is set to arrive, and I'm not gonna answer the phone or the door or anything until we have to go pick him up."
The courtyard door closed with a satisfying thunk, shutting out the world. The house was once again exclusively theirs. Phalen backed Jeff against the courtyard door and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. "I'm planning on keeping my big man all to myself." Jeff sighed and melted into Phalen's embrace, slipping his arms around Phalen's waist.
"I haven't told you lately how much I love you, have I?" He nuzzled Jeff's neck, grinning to himself when he felt Jeff shiver with anticipation. He could feel Jeff's erection through his shorts, a firm mound pushing against his own.
Jeff chuckled before he spoke, his warm voice close to Phalen's ear. "No, I haven't heard you say anything about love for at least a couple hours."
"That long?" Phalen murmured, close to Jeff's ear and began gently kissing a line toward Jeff's mouth.
"I'd begun to think you no longer cared," Jeff teased just before Phalen's mouth covered his and their tongues found eachother's.
"I like the getting naked bit," Jeff said, as he took Phalen's hand and led him into the house. "But, I don't want to just jump in bed." Phalen made a groaning sound, but Jeff continued. "Since Brad's been here, I've missed the romance you and I have had." He pushed the front door to the house closed and turned to Phalen, loosely circling his waist with his arms.
"You're so much more to me than just someone to have sex with." When their kiss ended, Phalen smiled and signaled for Jeff to stand still as he ran into the bedroom. Jeff heard a dresser drawer slide open, then close, and then Phalen came back into the sunroom wearing a big smile.
He stood only a step away from Jeff, looking him in the eyes and then looking away, suddenly seeming to be shy. When he looked back his voice was slightly rough with barely contained emotions. "I've been waiting until we were really alone to give you this." He held a small highly polished wooden jeweler's box. Jeff looked from Phalen's blue eyes to his hands, and the small box, noticing how tightly Phalen held onto the small object. He was showing all the signs of having difficulty keeping his strong emotions under control.
"I can't say it often enough, Jeff." He paused a moment, swallowed with some difficulty, and then looked up. "You mean more to me than I can say." He cleared his throat and grinned slightly, intensely aware that Jeff knew the difficulty he was having.
"Geez," he shook his head slightly. "I shoulda practiced what I was gonna say." He grinned and handed Jeff the small box. "Here."
Jeff took the box, but not before holding Phalen's hand for a moment. He studied the box for a moment, running a thumb over the smooth wooden surface, and then looked back at Phalen with a small smile. He slowly opened the box and found a gold ring that was a match for the one he had given Phalen months earlier. The ring was lying on a white satin cushion and gleamed with the light coming in through the courtyard windows. He looked at Phalen, not knowing what to say. Phalen grinned and seemed to bounce slightly with excitement.
"It's just like the one you gave me. I saved until I could get you a matching ring. It even has the same saying inside." Jeff removed the ring from its satin bed and looked at the engraving, moved by Phalen's thoughtfulness.
"Min^Ê rakastan sinu^Ê," he said aloud, quoting the saying on both his and Phalen's ring.
"I love you," Phalen translated, in a voice barely above a whisper. "Always," Phalen added.
"Aina," Jeff repeated Phalen's words in Finnish. Phalen took the ring and slipped it onto Jeff's finger and then brought Jeff's hand to his lips and kissed it.
Brad hung up the last of his clothes and looked around Phalen's old bedroom. He could almost see Phalen in the room and hear his contagious laughter. His presence was everywhere, from the baseball championship trophies still resting on a shelf, to the bottom drawer of the dresser, crammed with little treasurers he'd collected throughout his childhood. He smiled, feeling closer to Phalen than ever.
He wandered down the quiet hallway searching for Larry and stopped at the large master bedroom and looked in, smiling at the masculine feel of the room. If his ex-wife had any influence in choosing furnishings and colors for this room, it had been erased in the months since she ran off, abandoning Larry and Phalen.
Larry never said anything bad about his ex-wife. In fact, he very seldom mentioned her. She had almost ceased to exist in his mind, and it seemed in Phalen's as well. Brad stepped into the large bedroom, running a hand over a large leather chair as he passed. He smiled when he saw a book he had recommended Larry read, lying half-finished on the adjoining ottoman. It was a peaceful room, all beiges and chocolate browns, contrasting with the white carpet. At the far end was a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows looking out to a patio and the lawn of the back yard. The double glass doors were open allowing the gentle autumn breeze to slowly billow the sheer white drapery into the room along with the distant sounds of children's laughter.
Like its owner, this room seemed peaceful.
His attention was caught by a number of photographs on the dresser causing him to grin. There were a couple of Larry and Andrew, clowning for the camera. There were also photos of Phalen, some taken when he was a child, others when he was older, as well as a couple of him and Jeff. There was a single photo of Jeff, obviously having stepped out of the swimming pool moments before, wearing an enigmatic smile. His light skin highlighted the spread of black hair across his chest, tapering to a single line that led to the edge of the photo. It was an erotic photograph, precisely because of what was not shown. There was also another photo of Jeff, this time in a bulky sweater lying on his back with his hands behind his head wearing a contented grin.
Brad was surprised to see there were also three of *him," all taken while he and Larry were at a baseball game. Two of the photos were candid, catching Brad's profile as he intently watched the game. The other captured a roguish expression. Brad grinned, running a finger over the edge of one of the frames. 'I never would have guessed he'd have framed a picture of me,' he thought.
Brad shook his head as he left the bedroom, touched by the arrangement of photos, and silently made his way through the living room with its soaring ceiling and clerestory windows. He stopped when he saw Larry standing in front of the large dining room window with his arms crossed, looking out to the bright green manicured lawn.
Larry stared out to the back yard for a few moments longer and then bowed his head, seemingly troubled by something. He took a deep breath and then exhaled, tilting his head back and looking at the ceiling.
Brad cleared his throat as he walked into the dining room to draw Larry's attention. Larry turned to him, a bright smile lighting his face, banishing any evidence of being troubled. "Has anyone ever told you your dimples are wonderful," Brad asked, stepping into a gentle embrace and wrapping his arms around Larry's waist. "The rest ain't too bad either," he murmured with a chuckle as he rested his head on Larry's shoulder. He could feel Larry's silent laugh, and then the slow rise and fall of his chest as he took each breath. Brad sighed with contentment. Being held by Larry seemed so . . . natural . . . so uncomplicated and undemanding. Yet . . . something was missing." He silently enjoyed the warmth of Larry's embrace, refusing to compare the embraces of his past.
"Thank you for inviting me into your house." He nuzzled Larry's neck. "It's beautiful. Phalen's room is wonderful. It's so full of . . . him." Larry gently snorted agreement.
"He does have a tendency to fill a space, doesn't he?" Larry gently tried to pull Brad closer. "Is everything okay," he murmured. "Do you have everything you need?" Brad smiled, nibbling at Larry's ear before he spoke.
"Ummm hmmm," he murmured. "Everything's wonderful." He moved back slightly and grinned, still keeping Larry in a loose embrace. "I like the fact that it's close to your bedroom, just in case I need you in the middle of the night." He looked into Larry's deep blue eyes, expecting a rejoinder. Instead, Larry gave him a half-hearted smile and pulled him close once more.
"You're troubled by something. You seem more quiet than usual." Larry didn't say anything for a moment, and then abruptly withdrew his embrace and turned away, walking across the room, looking at the floor.
"Brad," he said, walking into the living room where he paused and seemed to think a moment, trying to figure out how to vocalize his thoughts. "I want you to be living here because you want to, not because . . . you have no place else to go." He finished the sentence with a lowered voice and then slumped into an armchair with his chin resting on his chest.
"I know you feel as if you have to leave Jeff's place because his brother is coming, but I feel as if I'm forcing myself on you by inviting you to stay here." Brad watched him for a moment and then chuckled, causing Larry to look up with a frown.
Brad walked into the living room and sat across from Larry, leaning his elbows on his knees. "Larry, do you honestly think I would be staying here . . . with you . . . if I didn't want to?" He chuckled once more. "Hell, I may be a bottom, but I do have a backbone! No one's going to force me into something I don't want."
"Are you sure?" Larry seemed as if he wanted to believe what Brad was saying, but wasn't sure if he should.
Brad nodded and sat back. "Larry," he said, becoming serious. "I have to tell you that I am troubled by my feelings for you." He took a deep breath. "You are one of the most wonderful men I've ever met. You're kind and gentle, and all the other things I've recently discovered are important to me. I . . . care . . . for you, a great deal. I could even come to love you." Brad looked up in time to see Larry's eyes widen.
"I care for you, Larry . . . and I think it would be easy for me to love you. At the same time, I still love Curt, and I'm finding it difficult to stop, even knowing the things he's done." He rubbed the back of his neck and then ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know if I can love two men like . . . that . . . at the same time." He looked at Larry and saw him looking at him with a serious expression.
Brad continued. "My mother asked me the other day if I thought I was being unfair to you. She wanted to know if I thought of you as a substitute for Curt." Brad absently traced a pattern in the upholstery with a finger. "You're not a substitute, but I don't want you to expect more of me than I may be able to give at the moment." He took a ragged breath.
"I saw the photographs on your dresser." Larry gave him a crooked grin but remained silent. After a moment, Brad continued.
"You're on your way to loving me, aren't you? That's why you want everything around here to be perfect for me. You're already thinking of me as more than a room mate." Now, it was Larry's turn to take a deep breath.
"I saw Curt visit Jeff's earlier this afternoon," he said, diverting the conversation away from Brad's question. "I was out on the front porch when he arrived. Do you think that's why you're thinking about him so much . . . right now?" Brad bowed his head slightly.
Brad heaved a shrug. "Who knows? Maybe." He paused a long moment. "I don't know."
He stood and moved around the coffee table to sit at Larry's side, taking a hand and lacing their fingers together. "Larry, I don't want to hurt you. I know Curt and I will never get back together, but I just . . . can't . . . switch off my feelings for him and turn on a whole new set of feelings for you. There's got to be some sort of . . . I don't know. A transition, I guess." He squeezed Larry's hand and looked at him. "Can you give me the time to make that transition?"
Larry nodded giving Brad a crooked smile. "You can have all the time you want. This house is yours while you live here, in whatever capacity. I'll enjoy whatever . . . affection, you feel comfortable giving. Will you be comfortable with that?"
Brad pulled Larry close. "More than comfortable. Right now, I may still feel as if I'm in love with . . . my last roommate." He grinned slightly. "But I want to be with you." Larry's eyes widened slightly as Brad took his hand.
"Larry, no one has ever cared for me like you have. I feel happy when I'm with you. It's as if I'm about to burst out laughing, I'm feeling so good." He reached up and lightly traced a finger over Larry's lips. "It's wonderful when we hold one another, or when you're lying next to me at night." He paused a moment and studied Larry, his black hair, his midnight blue eyes and dark eyelashes. There was a hint of his dimples, even now. It seemed as if he were always about to smile.
"You are so friggin' sexy," Brad murmured. Larry's dimples made a brief appearance and his eyes twinkled, but he remained silent. "Being intimate with you is wonderful." He reached out and gently pinched one of Larry's nipples through his shirt, knowing how sensitive they were, and enjoying Larry's sharp indrawn breath.
"I love it when we're lying naked next to each other," Brad continued. He teased the now-firm nipple as he continued to speak. Larry closed his eyes, savoring the sensations. "I love to feel you next to me, Larry. I love to feel you on top of me, and in me. I love the feel of your tongue in my mouth." He leaned closer and kissed the lobe of Larry's ear, murmuring as Larry groaned slightly.
"I want to taste you, to smell you, to feel your cock pulse inside me as you fill me with your cum." Larry groaned.
"But, what I'm looking for more than any of these things is love." Larry slowly opened his eyes and appeared ready to say something. Brad placed a finger over Larry's lips.
"Don't say it. It's not the time for either of us to say those words . . . yet." He looked into the deep blue eyes, aware of what Larry was feeling and searching within himself for the same thing as they kissed. When their lips parted he grinned slightly.
"Will you make love to me?" Larry took a shuddering breath and stood, offering Brad a hand. Neither released the other's hand as they walked down the hallway to Larry's bedroom.
Greg fidgeted in his seat unable to get comfortable. Now that he was committed to this new chapter of his life and it was too late to turn back, he was having second thoughts. His parents had asked him if he was positive he was making the right choice by leaving Finland and moving to the States and living in the same city with his younger brother. He'd asked himself the same question . . . many times. He and Jeff had never really been close as they were growing up. It seemed strange for him to be searching out Jeff for support.
He remembered Jeff as a shy, withdrawn boy, nothing like the person who had visited with his partner a couple months earlier. That person was full of laughter. He seemed free and happy. When Jeff and Phalen returned to the States, he began to realize how miserable his life had become. He worked, came home, visited with his parents, slept, and repeated the same routine. There didn't seem to be any end in sight.
He was afraid of relationships. He knew he wasn't an easy person to be around. When people were trying to spare his feelings, they would describe his personality as, 'intense.' He scared people off at the same time he was being frightened away by the thought of becoming intimate with someone.
'I feel like an emotional cripple,' he remembered thinking. 'Maybe if I get away from everything I'm familiar with I'll be able to grow. Hell, I'm willing to try anything, even leaving everything I love and am familiar with.' He recalled the evenings when his fellow students would head home to someone special. On those evenings, he went back to an empty room. Whenever he contemplated forming a relationship with . . . someone, he would break out in a cold sweat remembering the failed attempts and the feelings of inadequacy that accompanied each attempt. The feelings of humiliation grew until now, he was afraid to even try.
He hadn't been able to explain those reasons to his parents when they sat down with him to discuss his plans. Eventually, he'd been able to stammer out a reason that seemed to satisfy them. "I . . . I want what Jeff has," he told them. His mother had looked at him strangely and had asked what Jeff had that he didn't. He remembered not being able to raise his bowed head as he spoke.
"Happiness."
The room was silent, and eventually he raised his eyes to his mother's misty-eyes. His father had swallowed and then stood and crossed the room to sit at Greg's side. He remembered the feeling of his father's arm around his shoulders and how his father had pulled him close.
"I wished your brother the best when he left for the States," his father had said. "Your mother and I want nothing less for you." He could hear his father's voice shake slightly as he continued speaking. "I'm sorry you won't be near us so we can see you often, but remember, Greg. We're very proud of you. We love you, and hope you are able to find the same sort of peace your brother has found."
Once the decision had been made, time seemed to accelerate. Jeff had offered to let him stay at his house until he found some place permanent. He found a position at one of the Phoenix hospitals close to Jeff's place, and said good bye to his few friends. They all said they were sorry to see him leave, but their sentiments seemed to him to be pre-packaged phrases, lacking any real feeling.
During the following few weeks it seemed as if he saw more of his parents than he had in the previous four years. Whenever he was nearby they tried to put on a happy face, but underneath there was a sadness that was tough to be around. Finally, he couldn't take it any longer.
"Mother, Dad," he'd said at dinner one night at Kapelli's Restaurant in Espalanadi Park. "Please, stop looking like you're the reason I'm leaving. That's not the case. You both have been outstanding parents to me. I love Finland. I don't really want to leave. It's just that there's . . . something I'm looking for. It could be peace, as you suggested, Dad, or a form of happiness that I haven't found here, I don't know. Maybe I feel like the States hold whatever it is for me because Jeff came back so happy." He sighed and looked across the table at his parents. "Just don't think for a moment that you are the reason I'm going. I'm going for me. I hope I'm able to find what Jeff did."
"Will you be coming back, dear?" His mother looked hopeful. He'd bowed his head and sighed.
"I don't know, Mother. I hope so. Maybe I'll realize quickly what I'm doing has been a mistake and be back before you've missed me." He smiled, trying to lighten the mood. His mother gave him a wan smile.
"I don't think that's possible, sweetheart. I already miss you." His father had nodded agreement as his mother reached across the table and squeezed his hand. She quickly cleared her throat and grinned.
"Now, let's not talk about good-byes any longer, or I'll start crying." She choked on the last word and leaned against her husband as he put a comforting arm around her shoulder.
The parting at the airport had been as awful as he'd expected. He'd always thought of himself as not being very emotional. After all, he'd said to himself, doctors have to divorce themselves from their emotions in order to be able to work. He'd divorced himself from almost all emotions during recent years, so it was a shock to him when he found himself crying as he hugged his parents at the airport.
They had been the strong ones, each giving him a firm hug and a kiss on the cheek. His father had hugged him longest and had murmured in his ear. "Find what you're looking for, son. Remember, your mother and I love you very much." His father had backed away with a sniff.
"Come back happy," he'd said with a smile though his eyes were filled with pain.
"That's an order," his mother chimed in, kissing him quickly and then stepping back, motioning him to hurry along. He'd given them both a nod and choked out how much he was going to miss them, and then wiped his eyes on his shirt sleeve as he hurried to the airplane boarding area.
He'd tried not to look back, but couldn't help himself. When he did, he saw his mother crying on his father's shoulder. His father saw him turn, and held up his hand in farewell. It was all he could do not to turn around and go back to them. He felt as if he were being selfish, seeking happiness for himself and making his parents so unhappy. He didn't turn around though. Passengers behind him urged him to move, so he boarded the plane . . . and had felt miserable ever since.
~ to be continued ~
Thank you for taking the time to read my work. I always welcome your email and enjoy hearing your thoughts. If you would like me to send a pic of the character(s), please ask.
In addition to the first 'Phalen' story, I have three other stories you may want to read. 'Leith,' and 'Chris' are located in the Nifty College Section. The third story is called 'Wesley', and is located in the Adult Relationships section. I hope you enjoy them all.
Best wishes,
Roy Reinikainen roynm@mac.com suomalainen_abq@mac.com