This story contains portrayals of homosexual actions and lifestyles. There may be references to, or explicit descriptions of, sex between consenting adults.
If homosexuality, sexually explicit language, or swearing offends you, or if reading material that contains these topics violates any law or personal or religious beliefs, or if you under 18 years of age, please leave now, without proceeding further.
This story is entirely fictional, and any resemblances to actual persons are completely coincidental. Actual locations are mentioned, and are used for 'background' only.
You are also welcome to read my newest story, 'Leith,' also located in Nifty's Gay College Section.
Roy roynm@mac.com
Phalen - Chapter 18
"I can't let you go on doing this, Alex. This Jeff guy's never hurt you." Bob paced back and forth in front of his roommate in the living room of their small apartment. The air conditioning had broken down for the second time in a week and the heat was making everyone edgy. The baby next door was crying and somewhere nearby a couple was arguing, their shouts punctuated by slammed doors.
"So, you're gonna stop me?" Alex snarled, crossing his arms, leaning back on the old sofa and extending his feet in front of him. He looked up at his long time friend and raised his eyebrows in query. "Well ... are you?"
Bob stopped pacing and raised both hands and began to massage his temples. He closed his eyes trying to think what to do next. "I ... I don't know what I'll do." He sat down on the sofa and turned toward Alex, continuing to speak. "Alex can't you see how this behavior is eating you alive? This Jeff guy is all you ever think of anymore." He stopped speaking, bowing his head leaning forward to rested his elbows on his knees, his hands hanging limply between his legs. "This obsession is killing our friendship. Alex, I don't want that to happen."
"But ..."
Bob shrugged. "But ... I don't know. It's just wrong to go on, escalating whatever you're doing." He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes. "I can't help it, Alex. This is wrong and I have to do what I can to stop you." He looked at his friend, his dark bloodshot eyes pleading. "That's what I'm doing right now. Don't make me do anything else, Alex. Please."
Alex sat quietly studying his boyhood friend. "I think you'd better leave, Bob before you make me do something you'll regret. Remember to take your stuff because you no longer live here and I no longer consider you my friend."
"Aaalexxxx," Bob groaned, drawing out the word. "Don't do this." Bob flopped back on the sofa, tilting his head back and looking at the ceiling.
"I'm not doing anything you haven't caused me to do. I'm not responsible for what's happening. You are." Alex stabbed a finger at Bob's chest. "Remember, mister. You tell anyone about this thing with Jeff and you'll suffer the consequences."
Bob looked down at the finger then at his friend's face. "Move your hand, Alex," he said in a monotone, watching for a reaction to his words. "Don't threaten me. I'm your friend, not your punching bag." Alex slowly removed his hand, but didn't break eye contact. "You're wrong about one thing, Alex," Bob continued. Each of us is responsible for our actions. We each have a choice. I've begun to face up to my responsibilities." His voice caught and he had to swallow before he could continue. "I'm not proud of how I've been behaving and I'm admitting that, not only to myself but to you. ... I also hope to tell this guy we've been following the same thing. If you started thinking for one minute ... I mean really thinking, you'd realize that you don't hate Jeff ... or me. You hate yourself. That's the person I've been trying to save you from ... yourself. It doesn't look like I've been very successful, does it?" Once again Bob leaned forward, bowing his head and running his fingers through his hair.
He shook his head in resignation before he stood and picked up his bag turning to Alex. "I thought you might ask me to leave, so I've already cleared my stuff out. Please think about what I've said, Alex. Please. If you want to talk I'm still your friend whether you think so or not. You know how to reach me." He took the few steps to the apartment's front door, opening it and looking over his shoulder. "I'm still gonna try and stop you, Alex, even if it means losing you as a friend." He stepped outside and closed the door behind him, flinching when he heard something inside the apartment hit the door and crash to the floor.
Bob shook his head and slowly began the walk back to school, steeling himself for what he had to do.
Dawn's first light began to paint the room light pink, the bird songs a gentle alarm clock to the two men lying in the middle of the large bed. Jeff opened his eyes and stretched, gently moving Phalen's arm from his chest. He turned his head slightly and grinned at the disheveled hair and peaceful expression on Phalen's face then sighed, thinking of the day's work ahead. He sat on the edge of the bed for a few moments and then stood and stretched, trusting his hips forward and twisting from side to side, yawning. Phalen stirred, turning onto his side. He embraced a pillow and began to snore lightly.
Jeff smiled, admiring the length of Phalen's tanned body, from his broad shoulders, partially hidden by the sheets, to the swell of his rounded buttocks and the muscular legs. Jeff absently ran a hand over his groin recalling the intensity of last night's lovemaking. Phalen had told him afterward how much he liked the "new" Jeff, and the way he would take control while having sex. As Phalen cuddled up to his back and drifted off to sleep Jeff reflected on how much his life had changed since telling Phalen of his childhood abuse. With Phalen, Larry and his counselor's help it was as if he had been granted a new life, one in which he was in charge, rather than merely a puppet controlled by some unseen puppeteer.
Once again Jeff stretched, smiling as he silently padded into the bathroom. He stepped into the steaming shower, letting the water ease his muscles and bring him to full wakefulness. He mentally prepared himself for his presentation later in the morning. 'Almost everyone I know hates making a presentation,' he thought as he dried his hair. 'Not me! I've always loved facing the jury, defending my design decisions, thinking on my feet.' Jeff thought a moment as he folded the bath towel and draped it over the towel bar. 'If only I could be as confident in the rest of my life.' "I'm working on it," he said aloud, smiling with pleasure at the progress he'd made.
He walked into the bedroom moving quietly as he searched through his closet, pulling out what he called his 'work' clothes. 'I really don't like getting dressed up to face those juries though,' he thought as he tucked his shirt into his slacks and adjusted his tie. 'Especially since I'm walking to campus. 'Ties and sport coats were not invented for Arizona weather.' He gathered up his bag and presentation drawings and stepped back into the bedroom where Phalen was now lying on his back, his legs spread with an arm over his eyes, shielding him from the morning sun coming through the windows.
"I'm heading to school, lover,' Jeff said, loud enough to be heard. "Coffee's in the kitchen."
Phalen raised a hand and limply waved at him, with a muffled "bye ... good luck." He groaned and turned on his side. "Love you," Jeff heard him say before he groaned once again and began to stretch. "Thanks for making coffee."
"Remember, you've got school too," Jeff chided as he opened the front door.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," came the mumbled response from the bed. Jeff smiled, closing the door and began his walk to school in the cool morning sunlight. He began whistling, knowing Phalen would be complaining if he heard him, but Jeff didn't care. It was a beautiful morning, and he felt wonderful.
The feeling lasted only a short while. One of the men who had been following him was standing on the street corner, his head bowed, his hands in the pockets of his loose tan cargo pants. He looked up as Jeff approached. Neither knew how to behave or what was going to happen, so they stood still staring at each other, each waiting for the other to say something first.
"Please," Bob said, holding his arms out to either side, in an attempt to be non-threatening. "Please don't be worried. I'm here to apologize to you for what I've been a part of." Jeff didn't move, but looked to either side and finally over his shoulder to see if he could find the man's sidekick. Bob saw what Jeff was doing.
"He's not here," Bob said quietly. "I'm alone." Jeff watched in silence as the man sat down on a bus stop bench. He appeared to be exhausted. He had dark circles under his eyes and the general appearance of someone who has been awake for a long time under a lot of stress. "I understand your name is Jeff. Is that right?" Jeff nodded once, again looking to either side. It was too early for there to be many cars or people out. He and the other man were alone, only steps apart on a deserted street corner. Jeff felt exposed and vulnerable, yet the man before him seemed to be making every effort to be friendly. For Jeff, too much had already happened for him to readily believe a man he had come to think of as the enemy.
"My name's Bob." He looked up at Jeff. "Please, Jeff. Accept my apology." His voice caught. I've been doing something awful, agreeing to be part of a plan to terrorize you. I've been wrong and I hope you can forgive me for my actions." He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and sat quietly for a moment before once again turning to face Jeff. "Last night I told my friend we each have to take responsibility for our own actions. I'm doing that." He exhaled a long shuddering breath. "Can you forgive me?"
Jeff stepped closer, resting his presentation materials and lap top bag on the bus stop bench, looking down at the figure with tousled sandy-colored hair and burgundy-colored Arizona State t-shirt. "Why?" Jeff asked quietly. "What did I ever do to either you or your friend?"
Bob sat back and sighed, looking at Jeff, blinking a couple times, willing his tired eyes to focus. "I ... I don't really know why Alex is doing what he is, though I have my suspicions. As for me." He shrugged. "Alex has always been my friend. We grew up together." He paused, looking away. "I went along with him. I didn't ... think. I didn't think of what my actions would do to me ... or to you." Bob looked up with pain-filled eyes. He licked his lips before continuing. "I finally realized if I was feeling so awful what must you be feeling." Bob bowed his head. "I've found it difficult to live with myself because of my actions. I ... I don't like the feeling."
Bob turned to sit sideways on the bench. "I have to tell you something more." He visibly swallowed then massaged the back of his neck with one hand, seemingly unsure how to proceed. "I have to say something so please don't be upset with what it is." Jeff nodded, giving Bob permission to continue. "Alex, that's my friend. Well, he thinks you're ... gay." Bob seemed to hunch down as if he feared being struck, or from embarrassment, Jeff couldn't tell which. When nothing happened he looked up quickly. Jeff continued to stand quietly studying him, alert but not offended. "I ... I think Alex is ... gay ... too," Bob continued. "Trouble is, he can't handle it. He's known other gay guys. I know he has, and he hasn't reacted this way. The only thing I can figure is that he was ... attracted." He sat back and rubbed his hands over his face. "Geesh, this is hell. I think Alex is attracted to you and can't face it, so he's made you an object to revile. Jeff." Bob stood turning to face Jeff. "I think Alex has lost control of his feelings. Maybe I didn't help when I told him I was breaking loose and wouldn't have anything more to do with his plans. I don't know. I don't know what he's planning to do next, but I don't think he can stop himself anymore. I don't know what he'll try."
Bob paused once again, turning away, putting his hands in his pockets and taking a deep breath before turning back to Jeff. I've been out here most all night waiting so I could talk to you. I figured once I'd spoken to you, if I wasn't lying in the gutter where you had punched me out," he looked at Jeff with a shy grin. "I figured I'd go to the police and tell them what I've been doing and what I think Alex might try."
"The campus police already know," Jeff said, watching the man who continued to be distressed. "As far as I know, the city police don't, yet. My lawyer knows." At the mention of a lawyer Bob appeared to become even more anxious. "The administration at the architecture school is also aware, as are a few of my friends. You guys haven't been too secretive about your actions, you know," Jeff said, grinning. Bob shrugged sheepishly.
"Are you and I going to be ... okay, Jeff?" he asked. "I'd like to be your friend, not your enemy."
"Even though I'm gay?" Jeff asked, smiling and perching on the arm of the bus stop bench.
Bob laughed in relief. "Shit, that don't bother me. As long as you don't ask me to go to bed with you, we'll be okay." Bob inhaled and exhaled slowly, grinning. "No really, I'm fine with gay people. If they're okay with people who aren't ... gay, we can be friends. Does this mean you'll accept my apology?"
Jeff nodded, smiling and extending his hand. Bob looked at it for a moment as if he couldn't believe Jeff would offer to shake hands. He stood in a rush, grasping Jeff's hand in both of his, feeling the strength in Jeff's grip. "Thank you. Thank you. You don't have any idea what this handshake means to me." Jeff grinned, releasing Bob's hand and picked up his presentation materials.
"Yes, Bob. I do know what the handshake means to you. I also know what it means to me."
"We're both feeling pretty good then, I guess?" Bob asked.
"It looks like you're feeling better than a few minutes ago," Jeff commented. "I know I am. Are you going to tell your friend we've spoken?"
Bob shook his head. "No. He kicked me out of our apartment last night. He doesn't want to see me and to be truthful; I don't really want to see him, especially after talking to you. I did tell him I was going to try and speak to you, as well as do whatever I could to stop him from doing something crazy." Bob became serious once again. "Jeff, I don't want Alex to get hurt either. He's mixed up right now and I don't want him to do something that would affect the rest of his life. He's really not a bad person ... just acting screwy at the moment. If you and I are okay now, I'll head off to the campus police and the people at the architecture school. The only thing I can tell them is what I've told you." Bob reached into one of his pants pockets. "Can we exchange cell numbers in case we need to get in touch?" Jeff took the slip of paper, and wrote his number, taking Bob's in turn. "If I find out anything I'll let you know." Jeff nodded, still a little overwhelmed at the turn of events. Bob turned to leave but stopped when Jeff began to speak.
"It took courage to do what you did today, Bob. You could have done nothing, letting things play out. I'm glad for both of our sakes you didn't choose that route. I have personal experience in that area. We can run but we can't hide from ourselves." Bob gave Jeff a lopsided grin and a slight shrug. "I'm going to class. Since we're both going to campus, do you want to walk with me?" Bob grinned and nodded.
~ To be continued ~
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment on this story. I've been overwhelmed at the response to 'Phalen,' and love to hear from each of you.
If you would like me to send you a pic of the guys that inspired the main characters in this story, email me.
Sisu (SEE-sue) Mine rakastan sinua (I love you) Mite (what) Anteeksi (I'm sorry)
I would like to thank Carey for his ceaseless efforts to make me a better writer, Gwynne for her daily doses of humor and her insights into the characters, and Larry in Finland for helping me with the Finnish language and for being a good friend. Writing may be a solitary endeavor, but the thoughts of each of these people, as well as you, the story's readers, affect the story's course.
A number of readers have written asking for the correct pronunciation of the character's names. They are:
Phalen (FAY-lin) Kerin (KEAR-in) Thian (THE as in Theater (THE-in)
Thanks for reading.
Roy roynm@mac.com