This story contains portrayals of homosexual actions and lifestyles. There may be references to, or explicit descriptions of, sex between consenting adults.
If homosexuality, sexually explicit language, or swearing offends you, or if reading material that contains these topics violates any law or personal or religious beliefs, or if you under 18 years of age, please leave now, without proceeding further.
This story is entirely fictional, and any resemblances to actual persons are completely coincidental. Actual locations are mentioned, and are used for 'background' only.
Roy roynm@mac.com
Phalen, Chapter 15
It was mid-May and the heat was becoming almost unbearable, even to Jeff. It lay across the university campus like a white-hot blanket, slowing down everyone's movements as they went about necessary business, thinking only about the approaching evening when the temperature would fall a few degrees and life could resume.
Jeff finished his interview with the University police representative. The police officer welcomed Jeff and Brad when they arrived, saying professor Lewis had just contacted him and told him of the situation. Professor Lewis had urged the police to not write-off Jeff's concerns. Brad sat by his side, a strong presence adding his comments whenever the officer asked. As the interview concluded it became obvious to Jeff, Brad's mind was elsewhere.
Jeff held the door to the police offices open for Brad, who walked through giving Jeff a distracted smile. They stood quietly for a moment, the worst of the heat held at bay by a small pool of shade. Neither man spoke. Brad's head was bowed, his shoulders slouched and he limply held the strap of his laptop bag which rested on the concrete in front of him. Jeff studied his friend until he could stand it no longer. "Brad." Jeff paused, waiting for Brad to acknowledge his name. Slowly he looked up, his expression remote. He blinked a couple times against the glare, seemingly surprised they were standing outside, then tried to smile, behavior totally out of character for the man who many called the class clown.
"Can I help?" Jeff asked quietly. Brad looked at him for a few moments then silently shook his bowed head. Jeff regarded him with an understanding sympathy.
"No Jeff. Thanks, but I have some stuff to work through. It's wonderful of you to ask though." He looked up with a wan smile and reached out to softly pat Jeff of the back. "Seems you're not the only person with troubles, huh?" Brad snorted. "Sorry I'm not much company. I didn't sleep much last night."
"It's your partner, isn't it?" Jeff ventured, hoping Brad would share some of his anxieties. His head remained bowed but he nodded. Brad looked around as if he were in a daze, then sat down on a nearby bench with a tired grunt. He leaned forward resting his elbows on his legs, his laptop bag between his feet. Jeff sat next to his friend, a bead of sweat running down his forehead. From somewhere nearby there was a burst of laughter and the sound of music suddenly extinguished as with the closing of a door. Only the sound of the birds chirping in the trees remained, though even their songs seemed muted by the heat.
"Jeff . . . " Brad began then was quiet once again. He began to massage his temples with both hands, trying to think.
"Go on, Brad. My counselor always tells me it feels great to unburden yourself. You need to know you're not alone with whatever's bothering you. If you have something to say, I'm here to listen."
Brad looked at Jeff and grinned his appreciation. He took a deep breath before he began speaking. "I think Curt's cheating on me. I found someone's underwear mixed in with his when I was doing the laundry." Brad looked up as a couple of people walked by laughing at something. Jeff silently watched as a smile played on Brad's lips as he turned his head to watch the couple pass. The smile was lost as he returned to his story.
"Twice in the last couple weeks, my team and I have been so exhausted we called it quits early. Normally we work until after midnight. Sometimes many of us work all night. You know how it is," he said, looking at Jeff who nodded with a wry grin.
"When I went home early I was looking forward to spending the night with Curt. I so seldom see him, especially this year with the increased work load we've been given." Brad stared into the distance.
"Go on," Jeff urged.
Brad shifted position to stay in the shade, then bowed his head once again. "Curt wasn't at home when I got there," he murmured. "I thought he might be at the library studying or something, but he never came home. There was no reason for him to have called me since he didn't expect me to be home, but I thought if he was going to be gone all night he would call and let me know. That's what I do. I guess I expected he would do the same." Brad paused a moment. "I know I should have called him . . . but I didn't."
"There's something else, isn't there Brad?" He nodded. Jeff could see him swallow and take another deep breath.
"Jeff, Curt hates condoms. The only reason he wears one when we're together is because I insist. He complains every time." Brad paused once again, playing with the flap on his laptop bag, reluctant to continue.
"Brad, "are you okay?" Jeff asked. "I mean . . . "
Brad interrupted, nodding once. "Yes." He paused a moment then added. "At least I think so. I had a test done this morning, just to make sure, but I believe I am. It's Curt I'm worried about. Maybe the person he's seeing won't force him to use a condom. Jeff, I don't want to lose Curt," he said in an anguished voice, turning to look at Jeff. Brad took a ragged breath then once again bowed his head.
"Have you thought about what you would do if you find he has become involved with someone? Is monogamy important to you?" A breeze rustled the leaves on a nearby tree, ruffling Brad's hair. He absently ran his fingers over his head then barked a short laugh.
"Yes, it's important . . . to me. I've never even looked at someone since I've met Curt." He paused a moment then smiled a slightly abashed, but genuine smile. "Well, I always thought you were sorta cute, so I liked looking at you, and then you introduced me to Phalen. Who wouldn't look at him!. Jeff, the boy is drop dead gorgeous!"
Jeff smiled at the change in Brad's demeanor. "So you never look at anyone but Phalen and me," Jeff prompted.
"Yeah, and a few other guys." He turned to Jeff with a playful look. "Well there's no harm in looking!" Again, he smiled, "But I've never done anything with anyone else. Even if you or Phalen had asked, I would have said no." He glanced up from under his eyelashes and continued to grin. "It would have been difficult, especially now that I've seen you guys naked!" He chuckled. "Still, I would have said no and then I would have rushed straight home and beat off thinking about what might have happened. But the point is, I wouldn't have done anything. In fact the only person I've ever had sex with other than my brothers is Curt."
"Brothers?" Jeff smiled.
Brad nodded. "Four brothers, all gay. Who says being gay isn't hereditary? Anyway, my relationship with Curt means something to me." He once again became subdued. "I guess the relationship just doesn't mean as much to him."
"What'll you do if your suspicions are confirmed?" Jeff asked, shifting to face Brad.
He shrugged. "I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about things that might not happen." He barely turned his head toward Jeff. "You think I should dump him, huh?" Jeff shook his head.
"No, I'm not thinking anything like that. I just wanted to know if you had given any thought to what you would do. We're not talking about me here."
"I honestly don't know. I promised him I'd be home tonight. Maybe we'll be able to talk some things through then."
"Brad," Jeff said slowly. "I need to tell you something. It may not sound like it has any relation to what we've been discussing, but it does, so bear with me."
Brad nodded.
"The reason I was acting weird a few months ago is because some childhood trauma of mine was resurfacing." Jeff took a breath. No matter how many times he discussed the situation it never became easy. "I was sexually abused by my first grade teacher for nearly a year." I never told anyone about what happened. I was able to shut the memory away thinking it would disappear. Instead, when I met Phalen and I wanted to have sex the memories started surfacing. I began to have flash backs." He paused a moment, then looked up at Brad. "Bad flash backs."
Brad turned to Jeff, a shocked expression on his face, his eyes clouded with concern.
Jeff held out a hand to prevent him from speaking. "The thing I need to tell you is that I was no longer able to live with myself, with the memories and . . . with that part of me that refused to face reality. I could hide for only so long and then it caught up with me."
"If you find that Curt is indeed playing around, don't try and deny it ever happened. I'm not telling you to do anything in particular, just don't sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. You've got to live with yourself just as I do. I was only six when bad stuff happened to me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't ask for any support. That was a mistake. You're old enough to take whatever action you think is appropriate. Just don't ignore things. They won't go away. They only get worse with time. Also, you're old enough to ask for some support from your friends. Don't make the same mistakes I made. Each of us have to live with ourselves. That can be a pretty tough thing to do when we know there are things we want to hide from in every corner of our mind. Eventually, no matter which way we turn, we're confronted with something we don't want to deal with." Jeff paused a long moment then added. "Believe me Brad. I know what I'm talking about." He grinned. "Now, I'll be quiet."
When Brad opened his mouth to speak, Jeff quickly added, "I don't need you to tell me you're sorry to hear about my past. I know you are and you've been a huge help in getting me where I am today. In fact you, Phalen, my counselor, and Phalen's Dad, have gotten me through this. Brad, you've treated me with great understanding and compassion. Whatever happens, treat yourself with the same amount of understanding and insight you've provided me."
Brad's eyes were glistening when Jeff finished speaking. "Thanks Jeff." He swallowed once. "I've gotta get home."
"Me too." Both men stood and looked at each other awkwardly, not knowing what to do next. "Take care Brad. Remember, Phalen and I are always available, as is our house. I'm not just saying it. It's true.
Brad's eyes continued to glisten. He gave a lopsided grin and nodded, acknowledging the offer, but was unable to say anything. Instead, he squeezed Jeff's shoulder before he turned and walked away.
Jeff watched him until he turned a corner. Brad didn't look back but he also was no longer walking with slumped shoulders. Jeff shook his head. 'More problems.'
Jeff slowly began to cross the university campus, his mind temporarily diverted from thinking about the guys who seemed to be following him. "At least I've taken some action by notifying the police," he thought with a determined look on his face. 'As my Dad would say, "Jeff," he would say in his deep voice. "You're Finnish. For God's sake, show some sisu!" (SEE-sue) Jeff grinned, imagining his father facing him with his hands on his hips. "Don't let two nobodies, push you around!" Jeff imagined his father banging his clenched fist on the arm of his favorite chair, driving home the point.
'Yes, Dad,' Jeff thought with a smile as he approached Apache Boulevard, the busy road ringing the campus. 'I remember, Dad,' Jeff thought with affection. 'Sisu, you told me as a child, is the Finnish concept of combining inner strength, determination and perseverance in the face of adversity.'
He waited to cross the street, taking momentary shelter from the sun in the shadow of a large palm. The traffic light seemed to take forever to change; all the while cars sped past stirring up the furnace-like atmosphere. The light turned green and Jeff jogged across the street still smiling.
'As a child I didn't understand those big words, or the meaning of sisu.' Jeff was still smiling as he headed into the residential neighborhoods. 'Thanks, Dad. You knew I'd catch on sooner or later, didn't you?'
The doorbell rang, piercing the afternoon quiet in which the only noise had been the sound of Jeff swimming laps and some distant birds. Phalen glanced up at the sound of the bell, then stood, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his waist as he ran through the house and into the courtyard. He held the towel tightly as he opened the door.
"Dad!" Phalen was surprised both to see his father, and at the change in the man since his last visit. Two days ago at dinner Larry was depressed. He slumped in his chair, looking at him and Jeff from red-rimmed, shadowed eyes. He had been unshaven and sloppily dressed, two things Phalen had never seen before. He had picked at his food excusing himself early, saying he needed to get home.
Today he was beaming. His eyes were twinkling. He was smiling, and was impeccably dressed.
"Hi Phalen," Larry said in greeting. "How's my favorite son?" He put an arm around Phalen's shoulders, pulling him close for a moment as the courtyard door swung shut. Phalen wrapped an arm around his father's waist, his head against Larry's shoulder. Larry backed up holding Phalen at arm's length then quickly leaned forward and plucked at the opening in the towel wrapping his son's waist. "What's underneath?" he laughed, curiosity written on his face.
"What?" Phalen said, stepping out of Larry's reach, attempting to hold onto the towel. "Why are you so curious?"
"No reason. I like looking at my naked son, that's all."
"You do? . . . I mean thanks, I guess."
"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" Larry asked as Phalen secured the courtyard door and turned toward the house, looking over his shoulder. "Probably not," Larry continued. "You're not hard."
"Huh?" Phalen paused, his hand poised to open the front door. "Uh, no, we were swimming, that's all. How are things with you? You look good." Phalen opened the front door gesturing Larry to enter, giving him a wary look as he passed.
"Things are fantastic, Phalen. Never better." Larry stepped inside, looking around. "Where's Jeff? Still in the pool?"
"Yeah, he's doing his laps." Phalen gave his father a mystified look as he closed the door to the house.
"Quit looking at me as if I'm crazy, Phalen," Larry laughed, quickly reaching out to grab at his son. Phalen hollered and jumped away, losing his grip on the towel. It fell to the floor in a white puddle between the two men. Larry smiled broadly. "Looking good, Phalen. I especially like the tanned butt."
Phalen bent to pick up the towel, warily watching his father who continued to smile benignly. When Phalen looked away, Larry reached out and grabbed him, laughing at Phalen's shout of surprise. "Wanna wrestle?" Larry laughed, holding Phalen around the waist. "I think I'd like wrestling a handsome naked man." Phalen twisted in his father's grasp, unsure what to think of his father's behavior. "Well?" Larry paused a moment, continuing to hold his son around his waist. Phalen stopped protesting, and was studying his father. "What do you say?" Larry asked again . . . "Or, maybe I should tickle you." Larry laughed at Phalen's expression before releasing him.
Phalen turned and ran outside, laughing. As he came onto the patio he shouted, "Jeff, save me. Dad's gone crazy!" Larry casually followed him outside glancing at his son before turning his attention to Jeff who was smoothly gliding through the water. Phalen moved behind a chair, keeping it between him and his father, who stood in the evening shade cast by the house. He searched for a towel but seemed unwilling to leave the protection the chair afforded to get the only one he saw. "How many beers have you had, Dad?" Phalen asked.
"None." Larry laughed, holding up a hand as if he were swearing an oath in court. "Wanna kiss me and find out?"
"What?" Phalen squawked. "No . . . but thanks for the offer. I'll take your word for it." Phalen slowly sat down on the chair farthest away from his father. Jeff finished his workout, swimming to the edge of the pool to greet Larry with a smile.
"Jeff," Phalen shouted, "Watch out, Dad's gone insane. Where do we keep the straight jacket?"
Jeff looked at the two men. Phalen was clearly perplexed while Larry appeared to be exuberant. "Insane, are you Larry?" Jeff was breathing heavily from his workout. "Kind of sudden isn't it?" He smiled, rubbing the water from his eyes before resting his forearms on the pool's edge.
"No, this insanity isn't sudden at all. It's been coming on for eighteen years." Larry began to pace back and forth. Jeff looked up at the tall figure, admiring his long legs and tight white polo shirt which showed off his broad chest as well as his tanned and nicely muscled arms. Larry passed close to Phalen and quickly reached out, pretending he was going to grab him as he passed. Phalen yelped, jumping and laughing at his father's behavior. Larry turned away with a smile, seemingly pleased with Phalen's reaction.
"Should I offer my congratulations Larry?" Jeff asked, remaining in the water, watching Larry tease his son.
"Yep."
"What are you guys talking about?" Phalen asked, watching his father from the corner of his eyes, still unwilling to make a move to pick up the nearby towel. He frowned as his father pivoted and moved back toward him. 'The man's keyed-up about something,' Phalen thought, wondering what could have happened to cause this behavior.
"Something big has happened, hasn't it Larry?" Jeff probed, mirroring Phalen's thoughts.
"Yep!" Larry flopped down in a chaise near Phalen, then leaned back with his hands behind his head, looking smug.
"Listen to him Jeff. The attorney who answers all questions with 'yep.' Law school musta been tough." Larry shouted his indignation. He sat up quickly and grabbed Phalen, tugging him out of his chair. Phalen yelped and landed on his father who was forced onto his back with a woof. Phalen squirmed and laughed, but Larry held tight.
"I told you I wanted to wrestle a handsome naked man, Phalen," Larry hooted, continuing to hold his son with both arms. Phalen ceased to struggle, his laughter changing tone. Jeff watched from the pool's edge, intrigued as both Larry and Phalen became silent. Phalen had propped himself up on his elbows and was looking down at his father's face. After a moment of silent communication between the two, Larry released his grip on Phalen and rubbed his open palms over Phalen's back then over his muscular butt. Phalen gasped in surprise.
"What's happening to you, Dad?" Phalen shouted, standing up and twisting out of his father's reach, looking over his shoulder as he moved away.
"Whoa Jeff, Dad's gone totally weird!" Phalen said breathlessly. Larry continued to smile, his eyes sparkling with enjoyment.
"I think Phalen enjoyed laying on top of me Jeff," Larry shouted, pointing. "Look, he's getting hard!" Phalen looked down. He quickly covering himself with his hand and reached for the towel, no longer sure if being naked around his father was such a good thing.
"Well, if you haven't had too much to drink," Phalen asked, "what's going on?" He laid the towel over his lap as he sat down, casting another nervous glance at his father and motioning with his head for Jeff to get out of the water and join him.
"I think Larry had a good time last night," Jeff ventured. "Am I right?"
Larry smiled, leaning back and stretching his legs out in front of him. "Yes, . . . yes, yesssss." He sighed, his voice trailing off. "A good time. The first in a very . . . . very long time." He looked up with a slight frown, then sat up, and leaned forward his eyes earnest. "Guys, I've lived most of the past eighteen years in misery." He turned to Phalen. "You, were the only bright spot in my life." Phalen grinned. After a brief pause Larry cleared his throat and continued. "Phalen, when your mother left us I was relieved, and frightened at the same time. Relieved because I knew I could now have a life of my own, and frightened because I didn't really know anything about what having a life meant. Since she's been gone I've felt as if I've been stumbling around in the dark."
"Not long before your mother left, I began to question my sexual orientation. In fact, Phalen, your mother probably left because I told her about my thoughts." He glanced at Phalen who was watching him seriously, but didn't seem to be upset by his father's words. Next, Larry glanced at Jeff who was watching him intently with a slight grin.
"Recently, I pretty much came to the conclusion I wanted to spend my life with another man, but I had no idea who. I didn't know any other gay people other than you two, and obviously you're both taken. Well, I met a really nice guy at the gym. We've seen each other a couple times, and last night we had a wonderful time. He even came by to see me at my office this afternoon. Guys, for the very first time in my life, I feel good. I mean really good. I've had an exciting time with him . . . and I intend to keep having them . . . as often as possible." He laughed, flopping back on the chaise with his hands behind his head, glancing first at Jeff, then at Phalen.
Phalen followed his father's glance to Jeff and saw Jeff smile and wink, before Larry turned to him, smiling broadly.
Phalen sat with his mouth open. "Well fuck, Dad."
"Nope, we didn't do that." Larry laughed.
"Suck?" Jeff asked from the pool's edge.
"Nope, that either."
Phalen threw up his hands, exasperated. "Jeff, we're gonna have to tie him up and drag it out of him."
Larry sat up, his eyes bright. "Sounds like fun. Go get some rope!"
Phalen sat back, stunned, his mouth open and his arms hanging limply at his sides.
Larry laughed at the expression. "Phalen, haven't you learned you shouldn't make suggestions then not follow through?" Phalen slowly shook his head from side to side, at a loss for words.
"I think maybe I'm the one in need of a beer," Phalen finally groaned. "Maybe things would start making some sense."
"Help the poor man out, Larry." Jeff laughed. "Do we know the person?" he asked, climbing out of the pool and snatching his towel from Phalen's lap with a smile. He began drying his hair, facing Phalen. Larry was quiet for a moment as he watched Jeff's movements. Phalen looked at his father, drawn to him because of the abrupt silence. He then turned to watch Jeff who was oblivious to Larry's scrutiny. Phalen's gaze flicked back to his father who was still silent, watching Jeff towel himself off.
Jeff finished drying his hair then dropped the towel on the nearby table, and straddled the chaise, leaning back and pulling Phalen closer to rest against his chest. Jeff kissed him on the neck before looking back at Larry who had been watching the interaction in silence. Phalen absently smiled at Jeff's kiss, resting a hand on Jeff's leg, momentarily forgetting his father's and Jeff's interaction.
Larry seemed to break his trance. "Well . . . Last night was special because it was the first time he really touched me. I don't know how long we were in the restaurant parking lot. I had other things on my mind."
"You guys were fooling around in your car in a restaurant parking lot?" Phalen crowed.
"No, Phalen. We weren't in the car," Larry corrected with a gleam in his eyes. "I was backed up against the car and he was leaning against me. Like I said, we stayed that way for quite some time." Larry took great pleasure in Phalen's open-mouthed look of surprise. "Then today he showed up at my office and we laid on the floor for quite a while." Larry was almost beaming.
"What!" Jeff and Phalen shouted together.
"Actually," Larry laughed, "I fell out of my chair, so Andrew crawled on top of me." Larry's eyes were sparkling. "He was practicing that new full body mouth-to-mouth resuscitation technique we've all heard about." Phalen snorted. "Damn, it was nice!" Larry quickly leaned forward, lowering his voice. "He says, next time we're going to do it without clothes!" Larry clapped his hands and stamped both feet in excitement. "I can hardly wait."
Phalen looked over his shoulder at Jeff, then back at his father, slowly shaking his head. "Yep, Jeff. The man's lost his marbles."
Larry laughed harder, throwing a pillow at Phalen. "Marbles, hell. I want to lose my virginity!"
"Holy shit." Phalen said, wide-eyed. "I am in shock." He turned to Jeff and laughed. "How many guys do you know who sit around and hear their father going on about how much he wants to lose his virginity?" Phalen ducked another pillow.
"Guys . . . " Larry's voice caught, suddenly serious. "I can't begin to tell you how much the last couple days have meant to me. I now know it's possible for me to have a meaningful relationship with another man. Before last night, I wasn't really sure if that could ever happen. I wasn't sure if I could ever be happy." Larry cleared his throat, holding his arms out and grinning. "Today I'm a new man! What more can I say? I am so happy, I can't believe it." He laughed aloud. "I am also very horny."
Phalen stood and quickly walked over to his father. He perched on the edge of the chaise and wrapped his arms around his father's shoulders, holding him close. Larry glanced at Jeff then returned Phalen's embrace.
"I'm really happy for you, Dad." Phalen smiled, finally releasing his father but continuing to sit close. "This is so cool! I'm glad you found someone to love." Phalen stood and took the few steps to rejoin Jeff.
Larry was silent for a moment, absently picking at something on the arm of the chair. When he looked up, Phalen was about to sit. He noticed his father momentarily glance at Jeff before he began to speak. "You're wrong about one thing, Phalen." He looked at his son with a serious expression. "Andrew's not the man I love. He's a wonderful man, but I'm not in love with him." He paused a moment, his eyes sparkling. "I'm in lust," Larry smiled and began to laugh.
"Dad!"
"Dad, what?" Larry sat back, once again stretching his legs out in front of him. "I'm horny, okay? I was horny before my date last night. I was even hornier after Andrew left my office, and I'm still horny. And don't tell me to masturbate. I already have, three times today, one of them in my office."
"Dad!" Phalen laughed, mildly scandalized by Larry's frank description of his feelings.
"And I could do it again real soon." Larry continued, ignoring Phalen's reaction. It was seldom he had ever seen his son at a loss for words. Today, Phalen seemed not to know what to think about anything. "What are you looking at Phalen?" he teased, pleased with his son's dumbfounded expression. "Close your mouth. You'll swallow a bug." He grinned when Phalen snapped his jaws shut with a click.
~ To be continued ~
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment on this story. I've been overwhelmed at the response to 'Phalen,' and love to hear from each of you.
If you would like me to send you a pic of the guys that inspired the main characters in this story, email me.
Sisu (SEE-sue) Mine rakastan sinua (I love you) Mite (what) Anteeksi (I'm sorry)
A special thanks to Larry S. for his assistance with the Finnish language, and for being a good friend. Thanks also to Evan Bradley for his continuing encouragement, and for helping me make 'Phalen' a better story, and lastly to Gwynne Yee, for her daily doses of humor, and insight into the behavior of the characters.
A number of readers have written asking for the correct pronunciation of the character's names. They are:
Phalen (FAY-lin) Kerin (KEAR-in) Thian (THE as in Theater (THE-in)
Thanks for reading.
Roy roynm@mac.com