This is a story that involves a little sex between males. If such a story is offensive, or illegal for you to read where you live, then do not continue, go and surf elsewhere.
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Peter Broad's Story
Straightahead.
When Peter arrived at Straightahead on the following Wednesday evening, Charles Turner greeted him with the news that Chris was unwell and unable to be present. They stood in conversation for a few minutes. Chris's absence meant that he had just over an hour to wait for the group meeting. He made himself a coffee, and glanced through some Christian literature that was on a table.
After three quarters of an hour John arrived, the first of the group. He made himself a cup of coffee, and sat down with Peter. They chatted about University life, and Peter noticed that John was restless and distracted. Then other members of the group began to arrive, and they were joined by two others who had been seeing their companions before the group meeting.
At the group meeting Peter told them about what had happened on Saturday evening. He did this without revealing who was the other person involved. He was open about the extent of the mixed feelings he had when he walked back to Chilwell, that he had not accepted the offer of sex. He told them that the basic reason for saying `no', was that he still felt a lot for Anton.
One after another the members of the group spoke about the previous week. It was the usual mixture of successes and failures. The last person to contribute was Peter's fellow student, John.
"I have deliberately waited so that I would be the last one to speak tonight. I have something special to say. This will be the last time that I come to Straightahead." Everybody looked at him intently. "I have been coming to this group for about a year. I have found every help and encouragement from you all. That I am not coming again is not due to you. Don't add that to the burden of guilt that so many of you already have. I can honestly say that I have tried hard. This last few weeks things have been coming to a head. There has been no sense of progress in my attempts to deal with my sexual orientation."
"How can you say that?" asked one member. "You have told us many times of your overcoming temptations to read gay porn, to go cruising and so on."
"Yes. And in one sense I have not lied. What I have not said, is the cost that this has been to myself. I think I can say it; the cost to my own inner integrity. Over the last few weeks I have come painfully to the conclusion that I am gay. Definitely gay. I can't change from being gay. I have fought against this. I think I can say that I have reached this conclusion with a certain amount of reluctance. I am gay. I cannot any longer go against what I am. I find I am increasingly facing a cost in trying to suppress it. Suppression of something in our lives is always dangerous. My religion is just giving me a load of guilt, and shame. I can no longer deny what I am. I have tried to work at my sexuality in the light of my faith, and I have failed. Now perhaps I have to work at my religion in the light of my sexuality. Though I must say at the moment I don't know that I have the will power to do so. Or even if I want to. The Church is at its core homophobic. I don't want to go through life carrying the load of guilt, which so many of its followers seem to see is a mark of true discipleship. I don't blame any of you. Thank you all. You have all tried to help. If anyone has failed it is not you, it is me."
There was a silence in the group. Some just stared at John. Others looked away, not knowing where to put their eyes.
"I think I had better be going. I don't think it would be right to stay for the prayer time. I don't know what to think about praying now."
John got up and walked across towards the door.
"You don't have to go. Have you really thought through what you are doing?" asked Charles, who was the member of the Straightahead team present that evening.
John turned towards him. "Charles, I have thought long and hard about what I am doing. When I joined Straightahead nearly a year ago, you yourself said that I could leave at any time. That is what I am doing now. I have told you all why I am leaving. Let me now leave without any hassle or acrimony. Goodbye all." John took the further steps towards the door, and left the room.
There was a moment of stunned silence in the room, but before there could be any discussion about what had happened, Charles spoke. "We really must pray for John, that he really sees the error of his ways and the dangerous slope he is on. Perhaps the best thing would be for us all to be in silence, and just hold him up to the Lord."
The prayer time that evening never took off. It was much shorter than usual, and far fewer of the men joined in the open prayer. When they finished Charles tried to have a cheery word with everyone, for he could detect that John's words had come as a bomb shell. The group quickly dispersed. It seemed to Peter that some were angry with John for rocking the boat in the way he had; others were thoughtful and wondering about themselves.
Peter took the opportunity when speaking to Charles, "Does that sort of thing often happen?"
"Most men just drop out; stop coming. One or two have written letters to say why. I have never known anyone to be audacious enough to come and say that to us face to face."
"I would have used the word `courageous'," muttered Peter.
It was a very thoughtful Peter that made his way back to Chilwell. Straightahead obviously did not have a 100% success rate. Chris and John in their different ways showed that. Was he going to be reckoned a success or a failure? For the first time he was tempted to turn round and to call on Anton, or possibly go to Rutters. But he was too near to Chilwell to turn back. He was thankful that there did not seem to be any of the other lads around when he got back. He quickly got himself a drink and retired to his room. He did not sleep well, thoughts about the evening, and sexual images chased around in his mind.
-0---0---0-
Peter's end of Term Meeting with his Tutor
Peter was early at the University the next morning. He had been summoned to see his tutor. This had come as a surprise. As he walked up the hill towards the Economics Department he wondered why.
His tutor's room was the usual chaos of books and papers everywhere. A pile of papers was removed from one of the several chairs and placed with several other heaps on the floor.
"Sit down, Peter."
His tutor pulled his own chair round from behind the desk, so that he was not facing Peter so formally. Peter had never known him to do this before.
"How do you think the term has gone for you?"
"Oh. All right. I think."
"Are you sure? Has anything happened? Is anything going wrong?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, let me put it this way. Last year your work was excellent. If I were a betting man, I would have put some money on you getting a first. This term your work is totally different. Judging by what you have given in this term you will be lucky to scrape by with a third. At tutorials and seminars last year you were a lively and positive contributor, nearly always with something worthwhile to say. This term you have hardly said a thing. What has happened Peter?"
Peter gave no answer.
"There must be a reason. Have you fallen in love? ... Have you got financial problems? ... I am sure you do not have a drink problem. Surely you have not got caught up with drugs? .... What is the problem, Peter? Something has happened to you this term. What is it?"
"It is certainly not drugs. I do drink a little. I have never been drunk. I don't think I have ever had more than three pints in an evening."
"It must be something. There must be a reason for a very bright student becoming less than mediocre almost overnight. What is it, Peter? I am not here as a judge, but as your tutor to help. If it is a financial mess tell me, and we will see if we can get it sorted out. You are not running up gambling debts are you?"
Peter laughed at the suggestion. "No way."
"Do you know I think that is the first time I have seen you laugh this term. You used to be such a cheerful person."
"I think I do know the reason."
"What is it?"
"I don't want to say."
"Have you got a girl pregnant or something?"
"You've got a fertile imagination, they are all wide of the mark."
"They are all ones that I have come across. I bet your reason is not new to me."
"Last year was a journey of self discovery for me. Just before coming up, a girl friend said she thought I might be gay. I firmly resisted the idea. But slowly over the year I came, I suppose reluctantly, to realise that she was right. Right at the end of the summer term I met someone. Another man." Peter opened his hands and shrugged his shoulders.
"Well you win the bet. That is a first time with me. So you discovered yourself, and met another man. So what? There are a lot of gay men in this University, staff and students. Some are good academically, some not so good. Discovering you are gay does not explain why your work so suddenly went all to pot. You have not got AIDS have you?"
"No, I am pretty sure I have not."
"What then? What fully explains what has happened with you?"
"During the vac my parents discovered what had happened with this man friend. They were shocked. Terribly shocked. You see, I come from a religious, a conservative evangelical family. To be gay is to have your soul in perpetual danger, to engage in gay sex is far far worse that straight adultery or fornication. They pointed out to me the danger I was in, both in this life and the life to come. They arranged for me to see the vicar. He is a man I would call a friend, I know him well. He arranged for me to go along to a Christian group here in Nottingham. They are helping me to break with, or at least overcome my sexual orientation."
"Bloody hell! Is this still the Middle Ages? How old are you, Peter?"
"Getting on for twenty."
"I am a straight man. I am married with three kids. I am not an expert on homosexuality; but one thing I do know is that a person's sexual orientation can never really be changed. A bisexual's inclinations can be pushed in a more hetero direction. But if a man is gay, he is gay. It can be suppressed, but always at great cost to the individual. You are caught between the proverbial rock and hard place; between your brand of religion and your own sexuality. It is a case of an irresistible force meeting the immovable object. No wonder your work has all gone to pot."
"What can I do about it?"
"How have you been in yourself this term? Has it been a happy, positive, good term?"
"No. I must confess I no longer enjoy my work. I have given up playing hockey, which I used to enjoy."
"It seems to me that you have had a term trying to make your sexuality give way to your religion. The result has been that you are not the cheerful, hard working, hockey playing man that you were last year. The spark has gone out of you, Peter. What would happen if you tried to adjust your religion somewhat?"
"My faith means a lot to me. I could not just throw it overboard."
"But there are other brands of Christianity, are there not? I don't know much about these things. I am not a Christian. Christians always seem to be arguing with each other. I am sure there must be some somewhere who are gay friendly."
Their discussion went on for some time. When Peter left, he was thoughtful about his academic work. He determined to think things through over the Christmas vac.
-0---0---0-
Talk with Robert.
It was Saturday afternoon when Peter was next alone in the house with Robert.
They were sitting, elbows on the kitchen table, drinking tea, and working steadily through a packet of chocolate biscuits.
"There was something you were thinking of telling me a week ago, when we last talked," said Robert initiating the conversation.
"Yes, something about myself. You may be able to help."
"Well, spill the beans, friend. Father Robert will grant you absolution, especially if it is a nice spicy sin."
"Stop fooling. I am serious. I have got problems."
"Who hasn't? No, I will shut up. What is the trouble?"
"Can I trust you not to shout what I am going to tell you from housetops?"
"Yes. It will be good practice, I will regard what you tell me as under the seal of the confessional."
"Last year I came to realise that I was gay. Right at the end of last term I met this guy. My parents found out, and the balloon went up. I have been undergoing a sort of counseling, and group therapy process, to heal me."
"My God! I had no idea. That will be under the seal of the confessional, I promise,... locked, barred and bolted as well. You are not the usual sort of gay man. How's the therapy going?"
"Badly. Last Saturday evening someone tried to seduce me, and I nearly fell. But I realised that in any case I did not want him, I still wanted the chap I met at the end of the summer term. That's why I was serious when I got back, you remember? Earlier this week one of the chaps at Straightahead, that's the group I go to, backed out. He said the therapy was creating more problems than it was solving. That shook me. It made me see that it is creating problems, big problems, for me too. Then my tutor asked to see me, and told me my work had gone to pot this term. He wanted to know the reason why."
"Did you tell him?"
"Yes. He suggested I adjust my religion."
"I suppose this Straightahead thing, is one of your fundamentalist groups?" Peter nodded. Robert went on, "How is it going for you? How do you think you are getting on? Are you being healed, or cured, or straightened out, whatever term they use?"
Peter looked Robert fully in the eye, "No, I don't think I am. In many ways it seems to be screwing me up. I am in a worse state now at the end of term than I was at the beginning. I still want Anton, that was the man's name. I want him as much now as I did after being with him."
"Well, you will have to become more catholic", said Robert, with a broad grin. "There are plenty of gay men, priests even, in my part of the dear old Church of England. I suspect that there are some at your fundamentalist end, but they remain more firmly in the closet."
"It is not as simple as that, and you know it."
"You have told me what has happened. More important, is how do you put into words your exact problem?"
"I believe my religion, what the Bible says, that homosexual activity is definitely wrong. I suppose that is what my mind says. The other side of me, the feeling, the heart part of me, wants it very, very strongly. The more I try to control my sexual desires, the more uncontrollable they seem to be."
"Yes. That's it. Your religion and your sexuality seem incompatible."
"Well they are, aren't they?"
"Are they? I know a couple of your sort of Christians have written books that disagree with the party line. I could find out the details and let you have them."
"Thanks. That might help. But what am I to do with me now?"
Robert sat and looked at him for a moment. "Well my friend, it is almost the end of term. Give yourself this Christmas vac. to decide. You have either to go along with your fundamentalist tyranny, and try to find some mythical cure; or else you have to be what you really are, a gay man. I know which one I would prefer you to be."
"Which?"
"The gay man, of course. You would be happier and more fulfilled in yourself. If you remain in the closet, holding on to your fundamentalist views, you will become a narrow minded intolerant bigot. As a catholic member of the Church of England I would much prefer you as a gay friend, than a fundamentalist acquaintance. Besides, you might become a catholic like me."
Robert ducked as Peter gave a swipe with his arm. They laughed at each other.
"Seriously. You must be true to your faith and to your own inner integrity. I will pray for you over the vac."
"Thanks again."
"Of course, it will be prayers to the Virgin Mary." He just managed to get through the door ahead of the cushion that Peter hurled at him.
-0---0---0-
Peter comes out.
Because the Christmas vac was so short, and because he was now living in the house at Chilwell, and there would be no one coming into his room over the Christmas period, Peter went home by public transport.
His mother welcomed him home. He noticed that the meal that evening was all his favourites, steak and kidney pie, followed by queen of puddings. Apart from that it was an ordinary home-coming. There was no inquisition that evening, though he was sure that he would be asked a number of questions about the term at some stage.
Preparations for Christmas soon dominated life in the Broad household. Cards were in-coming and out-going. Presents were to be wrapped when the recipients were not around. Everyone seemed preoccupied. This suited Peter well. He spent a lot of time ostensibly working, but in fact thinking. He tried whenever the weather was reasonable to go out walking for an hour or two. This gave him a further opportunity to think. He was again churning over in his mind his present situation. He soon decided he could not go on as he had over the previous term. Straightahead was not working. In many ways it was just screwing him up more and more. His tutor's words showed him the disastrous effect on his work.
A few days before Christmas Peter received the couple of books from Robert. He read them through carefully in his room. He found them helpful because they were both written from his own theological perspective.
He then made a number of decisions. He would apologise to Ben and Clive for what he had written. He would ask for Anton's forgiveness, and he hoped that they could pick up from where he had broken things off. He would write withdrawing from Straightahead. They were the easy decisions. The more difficult ones were the more immediate. He believed he owed it to his parents to tell them, what had happened over the last term. He knew, too, that he should tell Bruce. He decided that he would do both those things after Christmas and New Year.
On Christmas Eve he received a card addressed in the distinctive hand writing. Inside the small card were the words, "Miss you. Love Ben and Clive." He put the card safely away in a drawer of his desk. He felt guilty about the letter that he had sent to them, and that he had not even bothered to send them a Christmas card.
Christmas came and went. As the end of the year approached Peter realised that soon he would have to have a talk with his parents, and tell them what had happened and of his decision. The resolution to tell them after the festivities had seemed relatively easy to make in the middle of December, but now seemed to be a much more difficult proposition.
New Years day was on a Friday that year. On the next day Peter's parents, Mary and Peter had settled down to watch something they all particularly wanted to see on the television. Andrew was out with Penny, his latest girl friend. The presence of Mary meant that Peter could put off saying anything to his parents for another evening.
It was nearly nine o'clock when there was a ring at the door. Anne Broad got up to go to the front door. A few minutes later Stanley Menzies entered the room. Peter's stomach gave a turn. The television was turned off, and Peter's father offered Stan a drink.
"I just called in to wish you all a happy New Year. I am glad I have done so." He stood in the middle of the room and turned towards Peter, "I have got a bone to pick with you, young man. I find you have been interfering yet again in the affairs of my family."
He turned towards Peter's parents, "Let me tell you what has happened. I am sure this will shock you. I went up to Leicester to spend the New Year with Matthew and Linda. One of the first things that young Thomas told me was, Grandpa, we have got a new uncle.' Oh, have you', I said, and who is that?'. I expected it to be a friend of the family. But no! Thomas told me that it was his daddy's new brother, uncle Ben. Then he went on, this uncle has got a special friend called Clive. Clive is a big black man, and he chases and tickles them if they call him auntie Clive'."
He turned back to Peter. "When I got out of Matthew what had happened I find that you told Matthew about Ben, and gave him Ben's address and phone number. You are responsible for bringing my innocent little grandchildren into contact with a couple of homosexuals, who live in sin together. My grandchildren are in moral danger. It was bad enough what you did with Benjamin when dear Dorothy passed away. But you continue to stick your nose in, and the filthiness, that I thought I had cut out of my family, is back infecting a part of it afresh. And all because of you."
Peter stood up. "Yes, I did. I told Matthew about Ben. I would do so again. Yes, and I did come down with Ben to his mother's funeral. Someone had to be with him. I would do that again."
"So you saw him despoil dear Dorothy's grave with his terrible message, `All is forgiven.' It was he who should have been seeking forgiveness from her. What had he to forgive?"
"A lot," said Peter. "Parents who had thrown him out of his home when he was still a teenager. Parents who had almost nothing to do with him for over ten years."
"Almost? Almost? What do you mean by almost? There was no contact between Dorothy and I and that creature," shouted Stan Menzies.
"That just shows what little you know. Ben and his mother exchanged Christmas cards with a short message each year."
"Did you know this?" questioned Stan to Anne and David Broad.
They both nodded. "Yes, Peter told us at Easter."
"There is something else you probably don't know," added Peter. "Ben came down and spent several hours with his mother, when she was ill in hospital in Hitchin."
"What?"
"I spoke to Mrs Menzies during last Christmas vac. I told her that I had met Ben at University. She gave me a message for him. She asked him to come down quickly if she sent for him. It was while she was in hospital that she asked for Ben. He came down and spent some time with her. I think she said that she was sorry for all that had happened with Ben."
"It seems you have been spending all your time at University interfering in the affairs of my family. I always thought you were a nasty devious piece of work. All you have done has caused untold trouble."
"Trouble to you, Mr Menzies, maybe. I think I was right in what I did. I think it was a Christian act to assist in reconciling Ben with his mother. I think it was right to be with Ben at his mother's funeral. I believe it was right to put two brothers in contact with each other. They are both adults. They both wanted it. I am not ashamed of anything I have done."
"But you don't see the consequences of what you were doing. You have put my little grandson Thomas in contact with two depraved homosexuals. You know what they are like?"
"They are like what, Mr Menzies?"
"With children, young boys in particular."
"Mr Menzies, that is tabloid fiction. Gay men are no more child molesters than straight men are. Your young grandson is absolutely safe. Ben and Clive are committed to each other. Neither of them would dream of doing anything untoward with your grandson. They are happy and fulfilled with each other"
"You seem to know a lot about these things, young man. I am beginning to wonder. Are you gay too?"
There was the barest pause. Then very quietly Peter said, "Yes I am. I am gay."
There was a shocked silence in the room. David Broad exclaimed quietly, "Peter!". His mother, "Oh, no!" and his sister Mary, just put her hand to her mouth.
Stan Menzies looked round the room. A leer spread across his face. "It seems that I have flushed another homosexual out into the open. Well, Anne and David, I will leave you with this gay brat that you have been nourishing in the bosom of your family. As for you young man, just keep yourself from now on out of my family. In my eyes you are nothing but a little immoral lout.
Peter drew himself up to his full height so that he looked down on Stan Menzies. "And in my eyes, Mr Menzies, you are nothing but a common little bully!"
They glared at each other for a moment, and then Stan Menzies strode from the room. David Broad followed, to see him out of the house. Peter collapsed back into his chair. He heard his mother sob quietly in her chair. After a couple of minutes David Broad returned.
"Well Peter I admire your guts in standing up to Stan Menzies. He is a bully. But it was not the best way to drop that bomb shell on your mother and me." He went and sat with his wife, and held her hand.
"I know. I am sorry that it came out that way. I was going to tell you before I went back to Nottingham. But somehow that man got under my skin. When he challenged me, I had to speak the truth."
"Shall I leave the three of you?" asked Mary, rising to her feet. "It seems that you have got some serious talking to do."
"No don't go," said Peter. "You might just as well hear it all straight from me." Mary sat down again.
"Peter, I thought you were receiving Christian help to overcome your problem," said his mother.
"Yes. I went along to Straightahead every week for the whole term. It was not really helping me. I was not overcoming my sexual desires. The more I tried to overcome them, the stronger they seemed to be. Then several things happened towards the end of term, that have made me do some serious thinking."
"But you have only given it one term. Ten weeks. Bruce told us that it often takes many months, a year or two even, before a man is finally cured. Don't you think you should persevere with Straightahead?"
"No. Four things happened that have made me want no more to do with Straightahead." He told them about the evening with Chris.
"You mean that your counselor tried to seduce you at his home?" asked his horrified father.
"Yes. He wanted me to stay the night with him. I very nearly accepted, but I did not fancy him. I still wanted Anton. It was made more confusing by the way he justified what he wanted to do." They discussed for several minutes what had happened.
"Peter, you said there were four things. What were the other three?" asked his father.
"There was another student attending Straightahead." He went on to tell them about John's last meeting. "What he said gave me an added spur to think things through for myself. John put into words what I was increasingly feeling myself."
"And the third thing?"
"I think that Straightahead is intrusive in its methods. They asked a whole lot of personal questions about this family, that I thought were uncalled for."
"Such as?", asked Peter's mother.
They wanted to know a lot about the personal relationships within the family. How we all get on. How you two get on," Peter said, looking at his parents. "They wanted to know if you were sleeping together. I thought that intrusive."
"I agree" said his father. "What did you say?"
"I told them you slept in the same bed. I thought you would want me to go along with it, and tell the truth."
"And the final thing?" asked his father.
"My tutor sent for me. He said that in my first year my work was showing that I would probably get a first class degree. Then he said that from my work over the last term I would be lucky to scrape by with a third. He then asked me what could have caused the change. The only thing it could possibly be was the turmoil that I have been in since August. Ever since it came out into the open I know I have not been able to concentrate. I open my books, I read the words, but little or nothing goes in. I don't enjoy the cut and thrusts of tutorial groups any more. Put frankly, my work has gone to pot."
"I had no idea that you were having work problems," said his father.
"Can't you just try to knuckle down to your studies, and try to concentrate more?" asked his mother.
"Mum, don't you think I have tried? I have kept on trying to do just that. I have tried this healing business with Straightahead. It just is not working. There is no release, no victory for me. I feel I am being forced to deny a truth about myself. I feel I am forcing myself into a dark dungeon. It is no tunnel because there is no light at the end of it."
"But to say openly that you are gay!" exclaimed his mother. "And to say it to a man like Stan Menzies. It will be round the village in no time. How can you be so sure?"
"It has been a long journey of self discovery. I think I told you in the summer about Janet's words. They came as a shock. I was quite angry with her. Since what happened in August, I have been going in for quite a bit of self examination. I think there were signs of my sexual orientation early on."
"What do you mean?" asked his mother.
"Do you remember those New Year parties that the Robinson family used to lay on for all of us children?"
"I remember those," chimed in Mary. "We used to play postman's knock, and you had to kiss a boy under the mistletoe. I always hoped for the boy I fancied."
"Yes. Exactly! I too always wanted to be kissed by one of the big boys. I never wanted to be kissed by a girl."
"But surely that is normal for a boy at that age," said his father.
"Maybe not to want to kiss with a girl. I don't think wanting to be kissed by an older boy is normal for the majority of boys of that young age."
"I am not so sure. Anyway that is a debatable point. That is not substantial evidence."
"Maybe not. But there is something else. Ever since I reached puberty I have from time to time had dreams. They have come every two or three months. They have always been strong vivid sexual dreams, that have remained powerfully with me afterwards. Some I can still remember now. These dreams always involved sex with a male. Is that normal for a heterosexual male?"
"Perhaps not," said his father.
"Dad. When you were an adolescent did you have any sexy dreams?"
His father was slightly embarrassed by the question. "Yes, I seem to remember that I did."
"Did they involve sex with a man or with a woman?"
"It is all a very long time ago."
"Come on, Dad. Try to remember."
"I certainly never remember any dreams about having sex with a man, and I know I did have some sexy dreams. So they must have been with a woman."
"There you are. You are heterosexual and in your youth had heterosexual dreams. I in my youth have homosexual dreams. I think that is a pointer to the fact that I may well be gay."
"You argue from that evidence well. Perhaps you should take up law. But seriously, what are you really saying, Peter?"
"I have come to the conclusion that I am gay. On the surface everything in my involvement with Straightahead was in favour with my breaking with homosexuality, if that is ever possible. I had only had a very limited sexual experience. It was with just one man. I could see the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. If my sexuality was wrong, and if it could be changed, then I wanted to be healed, or changed. I was not like some of the other blokes there. They had much experience of gay sex with many men. They were trying to break with a long established way of life. With me it was different. I went into Straightahead honestly and sincerely. Not just with an open mind, but committed, hoping it would work. The picture of what might happen to me, that you drew in the summer Dad, was not an attractive one. Yes, I wanted to be able to get married. I wanted to have children. I wanted to be normal, like the majority of men. I have given Straightahead a chance. I have tried. I have sought for a cure. But it just was not working."
"What I am afraid of, Peter," said his father, "Is that you are rejecting Straightahead because of what happened with your counselor on that last Saturday evening."
"No, Dad. I don't think so. There is more than that. I don't think Straightahead was working for several of the lads there. I am pretty sure that at least two of them are in an intimate relationship together. Reading between the lines I don't think Straightahead has a very high success rate. Some are like me give it a whirl, and then give it up because it is not working. Some are like the couple I have just mentioned. Others suppress their sexuality so as to be able to conform to the dicta of their particular church. What little I know about psychology tells me that suppression is a dangerous procedure."
"Does this all mean that you are giving up your faith?" asked his mother.
"I don't know at the moment, Mum. I don't want to. In some ways I don't know that I can. If I am gay then whatever happens, whether I am having sex, or whether I am celibate, I will always feel out of step in a church like ours. I could never be open about an important side of my being. If I am active I don't think Bruce will want me around. Robert, the theolog who lives in the same house in Chilwell... [He is definitely and actively straight by the way, in case you started thinking.] He says there are such things as gay friendly churches, with gay friendly vicars. In fact there are some gay vicars."
"How awful. I could never receive communion from a man who has had sex with a man. The thought of it is revolting."
"You may have done so all ready, Mum. Quite a lot of gay men end up married, and there must be some married gay men among the clergy of the Church of England."
His father interjected, "Peter, you are pulling the conversation away from yourself. You only half answered your mother."
"Sorry. I don't think there will be a place for a person like me in any church like St Sebastian's here. But there are other churches. My faith, at the end of the day, is not church centred, but Christ centred. I am hoping that there is somewhere a church where there will be room for me. Where I can be accepted."
"But such a church will not be a true Gospel, Bible believing church, Peter," cried his mother.
"Perhaps it will. Jesus received the outcasts and rejects of society. He had a place for them. Perhaps there will be a corner for me."
"But a church that accepts gay men, and what they do, is an apostate church. It is rejecting Biblical teaching," stated his father.
"But Bruce does not accept all Bible teaching."
"What?" said his parents in astonished unison.
"Let me give you two examples. What about money lent for interest in the Bible, it is called usury. It is prohibited. There are twenty verses in the Bible forbidding it. There are only seven that have anything to say about gay sex. How many people in St Sebastians have mortgages; that involves lending money for interest. Those twenty verses in the Bible are just not heeded. Or take divorce, Jesus himself said whoever divorces his wife, and takes another, commits adultery. That is set aside."
"Yes, Peter, you can quote these examples; but we need to came back to the main point, which is you. For me there are several matters that worry me. One, have you given Straightahead a fair trial? You have given your reasons for not going again. I am just not sure. I think you should give it a much longer chance to help you. Second, I am worried about your spiritual welfare. I can just, with difficulty, see that it might be possible for someone who has these gay inclinations, to keep them under control, to abstain from any sexual activity, and so remain a member of the Christian church. In fact membership of the church may well help you. But, if I understand you correctly, you do not intend to be celibate. I think you are contemplating leading a life that it is in flagrant disagreement with fundamental Christian doctrine. Thirdly, I am concerned about the effect of your decision on relationships within this family. Your mother and I, Mary too, though perhaps not so much Andrew, are committed Christians. We hold to basic Christian ethical teaching. What will be the relationship between us all if you go ahead with what you propose?"
"We have already discussed your first two difficulties, Dad. I hear what you are saying. I have thought long and hard about them over the last two or three weeks. None of my decisions have been easy. I have not made them quickly or lightly. I can understand your last concern. From my point of view, you will always be my parents, and you, Mary, my sister. I love you all very dearly. I have not decided on this with any pleasure. I don't want to hurt any of you. I hope, desperately hope, that you will not do a Stanley Menzies on me, and send me packing into some outer darkness. My family means much to me. You have all given me so much. I know you love me. I know you want the best for me. But I have also to be true to myself. I have to maintain my own inner integrity. I have tried since August either to deny what I am, or suppress what I am. It has been hell."
"Peter, your mother and I have no intention of doing a Stanley Menzies on you. This will always be your home. You will always be welcome; but you know the house rules."
"What do you mean by that?"
"You know what is the acceptable code of conduct in this household. You have not given us any cause for concern until these last few months. I hope you can see our difficulty. Your mother and I would be unable to welcome any male friend, or partner, of yours."
"You would have difficulty if I brought home a boy friend, but no difficulty with a girl friend?"
"Yes."
"Even if I had lived with that boy friend for several years, like Ben and Clive?"
"Homosexual sexual activity is wrong. It would be a sinful compromise for your mother or I to give any countenance to it within these walls."
"I see. I can accept that. Though, if I find the right man, I will find it hard that I cannot introduce him to you."
"We will continue to pray for your change of heart," said his mother. She began to sob. "Peter, we had such high hopes for you. You were so promising, not just with your studies, but as a person, so kind and likeable, so strong and yet so gentle. But above all you seemed to have such a love for the Lord. That you can put all that into jeopardy in order to follow the lusts of the flesh. Well! It just breaks my heart."
Mr Broad puts his arm round his wife. "I think we have said enough tonight, Peter."
Peter stood up, and went across to his mother. He knelt down in front of her, and put his hands on her arms. "Mum, you are the last person I want to hurt. I am sorry; but I don't want to live a lie with you and Dad."
She looked up at him. "Yes, I know that." She gave him a weak smile. He then rose to his feet and left the room.
Later that evening he popped out of his room to go to the bathroom. The door to Mary's room was open. She called to him, "Peter, can you come in here for a moment."
He went in and shut the door behind him. Mary had been sitting on the bed, she came and stood in front of him. "Peter, I have always loved you. You are, and always will be, special to me. Young brother and all that. Looking after you as a kid. I don't think I have ever admired you as much as I have done this evening. You were very brave. You dropped a bombshell on the parents. They will come round, given time. They have got a lot of thinking, and praying to do. Mum will come round first, I think. I will work on them both for you." They stood for a while hugging each other.
"Thank you, Sis. Thank you for your support."
He turned to leave. As he opened the door, Mary called after him. "And I would not have missed seeing you deal with that toad, Stanley Menzies for the world."
"Thanks." He gave a smile, and went off to his room.
-0---0---0-
Seeing the Vicar
It was just before 10.00 in the morning when Peter went round to the vicarage. He did so, dreading what was likely to happen. Bruce had helped him in the early days of his Christian life. He had prepared him for confirmation. He had always given him time. They had talked, Bruce had listened, encouraged and supported. Even in the crisis of August when he had spoken with Bruce he had been conscious of his love and support. But now it was going to be different. He was going to disagree with Bruce. In breaking with Straightahead, and taking the action he intended, he was going to be disobeying Bruce. He knew Bruce. He knew that Bruce was assured of the rightness of his beliefs and the correctness of his moral standards. He knew that Bruce would not take it easily.
He rang at the vicarage door. Bruce welcomed him in. He was ushered into the study. He sat down, while Bruce went off to make some coffee. He returned with two steaming mugs of coffee and a plate loaded with mince pies. "These are some of Helen's best productions."
He sat down in the chair the other side of the gas fire. "Well, tell me. What sort of term have you had?"
"An interesting one."
"Yes. I expect it has been; what with your studies and your involvement with Straightahead." Bruce chuckled happily.
"It has not been as easy as that."
"What do you mean?"
"I am not going to Straightahead any more. I am chucking it in."
"Peter! Whatever for?"
Peter gave him a full account of all the events of the term. Bruce listened, but with growing agitation as the story went on.
"Peter, how can you give it all up? You must persevere with Straightahead. They are wise and experienced people in dealing with homosexuality. They will help you. They can cure you."
"I have tried it. Honestly I have. I have tried it sincerely. But it is making it worse. To put it crudely, it is screwing me up. I am now sure, far far more than I was in the summer, that I am gay. I don't think I can be changed."
"Peter, do you want to be changed?"
He thought for a moment before replying. "No. I don't know that I do want to be changed any more."
"Peter, how can you, as a sincerely committed Christian, say that?"
"I have come to realise that my sexual orientation is an essential part of me. There are things about me that I don't like. I know that in several areas I am proud. I am proud of my academic ability. I am proud of my cricketing skill. I know that I can get very angry, and I don't like that. I know I am jealous of certain people. Those and other things about me I don't like. But if they were changed, if I was cured of them, it would be wonderful. But it would still be me, the essential Peter Broad that was left. But if my sexual orientation was changed it would not be me. I would be an essentially different person. I am happy to be me changed in those other areas, but not changed in my sexuality. That is a part of what makes me me. I don't think I have put that very clearly. Do you in any way understand?"
"I think I do", said Bruce. "But I disagree with what you are saying. Surely as a Christian anything that makes you fall short of the glory of God is something you want to change?"
"I believe integrity is important."
"I agree."
"But I am a gay man. I have to maintain my deep, inner, personal integrity. I must not deny or suppress my sexual orientation. Christ came that we should have freedom, that we should be free indeed."
"But that does not mean a freedom to wallow in sin as you seem keen to do."
"I believe that in this respect that is the way I was made. I believe God made me gay."
"Peter, that is blasphemy!"
"I don't believe it is an illness to be cured, or a deformity to be corrected. My experience with Straightahead has shown me that I don't want to go along that path. I have grown up. I am no longer prepared to be the compliant child. I suppose in some ways I have started thinking for myself."
"You have started to think dangerously. You are putting your eternal destiny in jeopardy."
"Are you saying, Bruce, that there is no salvation for an active homosexual?"
"I think you are contemplating a very serious step, Peter. You are a Christian. You know right from wrong. You know that gay sex is wrong. You are not just neglecting a great salvation. The Bible says that everyone who hopes in Christ purifies himself as he is pure. You are contemplating doing the very opposite of purifying yourself. You are contemplating contaminating yourself. No one born of God commits sin. Having sex with another man is sin, Peter. You must surely know that."
"But those texts don't just refer to gay sex, do they?"
"No."
"Well then. They apply to all sorts of sin. Are you completely without sin then, Bruce?"
"No. You know that I can't say that I am. The difference between us, is that you are contemplating deliberate sin. I sin, yes. But I do not deliberately set out to sin. I can repent, and find forgiveness. How can you repent when you are living and sleeping with your boyfriend?"
Peter smiled. "So it would be wrong to have a steady boyfriend, but it would be all right to have a series of one night stands because I could repent and receive forgiveness after each episode. Then I would just be sinning like you."
"Peter, if I did not know you better I would say that you were being insolent," said Bruce firmly. "You know quite well that it is not as simple as that. Sexual sins are very serious. You are a Christian and your body is the dwelling place of God's Spirit, it is a member of Christ. But if you have sex with a man, it is a sin with your body, it is like sex with a prostitute, about which Paul says every other sin which a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body."
"Why this majoring on sexual sin? You seem to see sexual sins as the most serious. What about murder, wife beating, child beating and abuse, slavery even? Are not those every bit as serious? Are they not all more serious than two men who like each other getting into bed together?"
"The Bible says it is an abomination. And for me that is that," said Bruce.
"For me it is no longer as simple as that. The Bible says a lot of things that neither of us holds to."
"But you cannot just push the Bible off one side."
"I don't want to push the Bible off one side. I want to take it seriously. I want to take it for what it is. A vitally important collection of writings, written over a long period of time. But it is not a code of rules for all time. It cannot be. You can argue for slavery, ethnic cleansing, polygamy and much else from the Bible. We have to look at it from the position where the world is now. It took Christianity far too long to come round to seeing that slavery is wrong."
"Peter, you have changed. You have changed a great deal over this last term. You have become very liberal and woolly in your thinking. You are in a perilous state."
"That is how you see it. I feel that I have grown up. I believe that I have really started to think on religious matters for myself. I shall return to Nottingham and ask for Ben Menzies forgiveness for the way I have treated him. I hope to meet up with Anton again. I hope to find a gay friendly church."
"Do your parents know all this?"
"Yes, I told them last night."
"How did they take it?"
"They were very shocked and upset."
"I am sure they were. I am too. You were such a promising lad. I had high hopes for you as a faithful soldier and servant of Christ. But now." Bruce shook his head sadly.
"I want to say thank you for your help in the past. I owe a lot to you, Bruce. But I see your brand of Christianity as a sort of scaffolding. It had an essential part to play in the erection of the building, but now it must come down. It is too restrictive for me. I have grown up."
"You are nothing more than a typical rebellious adolescent. I shall pray that you come through it quickly, and without too much damage."
They sat and looked at each other. "I don't think there is anything more to say," said Peter. "I expect I will see you at Easter."
"If you come to communion on Easter Day I will want an assurance from you that you are not sexually active," said Bruce.
"You mean you would refuse me communion if I was?"
"Yes."
"But you gave communion to Christine at Christmas" said Peter, remembering the conversation the previous Christmas about the woman, whose first husband had left her, and was now to marry again just before Easter.
"Yes, why?"
"You did that in spite of Jesus's words, `Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery'." They are Jesus's own words. They are plain, clear words. They are not obscure texts from complicated, outdated Old Testament laws or ambiguous New Testament letters."
"But that is different."
"In what way?"
"The law of the land allows remarriage after divorce, gay sex is forbidden in the Bible."
"I am sorry Bruce, I do not see the difference. If you were consistent in your use of the Bible, then both are forbidden in the Bible, and remarriage after divorce is prohibited by Jesus himself. Sex in private between two consenting adult men is no longer a crime in the eyes of the state."
"I do not think we have anything further to say to each other."
They both stood up. Peter turned towards Bruce, with a broad grin on his face. "What about a pact. I will abstain from all sexual activity until Easter, it you out of sympathy and love for me do the same."
"I can't say that! What about Helen?"
"No, of course you can't. You ask me to lead, not a mere ten weeks of abstinence, but a lifetime of sexual inactivity because I am gay; while you, because you are straight and married, can have as much sex as you like. You cannot face just three months of sexual inaction."
"I think you have said enough." Bruce led the way to the front door. "I shall be praying for you, Peter," were his final words.