This is a story that involves a little sex between males. If such a story is offensive, or illegal for you to read where you live, then do not continue, go and surf elsewhere.
This is a work of fiction and in no way draws on the lives of any specific person or persons. If there is any similarity to any real persons or events it is entirely coincidental.
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My thanks to Brian who has read this through and made a number of corrections and suggestions. Any remaining errors, grammatical, spelling historical or whatever are entirely my fault.
Thank you to those who have commented on my stories. If you want to comment on the story then do contact me on Jeffyrks@hotmail.com. but please, after 8th May 2010 I am away until then. I aim to reply to all messages eventually.
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Peter Broad's Story
Interview with Charles Turner.
The new factor in the start of his second year at University was living out at Chilwell, and sharing a small house with two others. The house consisted of two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, and a front sitting room and living room with kitchen downstairs. They had got to know each other quite well during their time in hall together during their first year. Brian was reading chemistry and Robert was reading theology. Brian had the front room downstairs, Robert the back room upstairs and Peter the front room upstairs.
It was on the third evening after arriving back in Nottingham that Peter had his appointment to see Charles Turner. He made his way into town hoping that he did not run into Anton. Straightahead's premises were situated in a terrace of small shops. Peter walked along slowly. Between many shops there was a door giving access to the stories above. 117 had a green door, with the number in large numerals, and in much smaller letters, Straightahead. As there was no knocker or bell he tried the door. It opened. Inside he was confronted by another door, this time with push button and intercom. He pressed the button, and when asked he gave his name. The door buzzed, and he pushed it open. This time he was confronted by a flight of stairs, as he made his way up a man appeared at the top.
"Welcome, Peter. I'm Charles Turner."
They shook hands and Peter was shown into an office with a desk and a couple of easy chairs. Charles Turner was a man in his mid fifties. He was slightly overweight, and had thick grey hair. He was smartly dressed in a suit.
Over a cup of coffee they talked. Or rather Charles talked, at least to begin with; Peter just nodded at appropriate intervals.
"I am so glad of this opportunity to meet you. Before you tell me something about yourself, let me tell you about Straightahead, and myself. Straightahead is a Christian organisation funded largely by individual and church donations. "It is a national organisation with its work based in several centres in the UK. These premises are rented for us by a group of like minded churches in Nottingham, a couple Anglican, the others free or charismatic churches. I am the local organiser. I am a retired business man. I had my own business up until two years ago, for which I had an irresistible offer. I work here part time, and I get a little towards my expenses. The others, who do the counselling and group work, are all volunteers. "You will be pleased to know that we do not do any aversion therapy. I say that very quickly because it is often a fear that new men like yourself often seem to have. We don't do it, for the simple reason it does not work.
"Our work is prayer based. The supporting churches give us much prayer support. Some of the Lord's greatest prayer warriors are the elderly, who have discovered in a deep way the power of intercessory prayer.
"There are two parts to our work. There is the group work. Each week you will meet with others like yourself. You will be encouraged to talk and share together. There can be a lot of mutual help given. This usually lasts something just under an hour. It involves sharing, helping and praying with others like yourself. I expect you will find it very helpful.
"You will be allotted a companion. We use that word rather than the formal word counselor. He will be someone who has been trained to help: but more important, he will have had, to a greater or lesser extent, experiences similar to your own. He will be someone, probably slightly older than you, specially selected by me, because I think he is the one you can relate to. You will have time each week with him. You will be able to talk with him, and ask for help. He will also be helping you to relate with men in a non-sexual way.
"The aim of Straightahead is to cure you of your homosexual attractions, and enable you to relate to both men and women in a normal and natural way.
"Do you have any questions?
Peter was slightly bemused by all that had been said, and just shook his head.
"Now I want you to tell me your story. I want to hear it, so that I can fix you up with a compatible companion. If for any reason at any stage you feel that you are not compatible, or there are any serious problems with your companion you are to tell me, and I will find you someone else. It does happen from time to time that I get it wrong. Now tell me your story."
Peter told his story.
"Now I would like to ask you some questions about your back ground. There are several theories around why certain men are homosexual. It may be that we can get a clue as to why you are. If we do that may help us to focus on a way by which you can be healed, or set free from the trap you now find yourself in. First, I want to ask you about your parents. Your father, what does he do?"
"He is a solicitor."
"How did you get on with him as a small child?" So the questions went on. "What are your memories of your father? How do you get on with him now? Would you describe your father as dominating? Strict? Easy going? Loving? Is he generous? How were you punished by him as a child?" Then there was a similar range of questions about his mother, and the relationship between his parents. "How do they get on? Do they ever disagree? Publicly? In front of the children? Do they sleep in the same bed?"
Peter began to think the questions intrusive. He continued to answer because he knew that his parents wanted him to go through with this. One question he found difficult to answer was whether he was closer to his mother or his father.
Then the questioning moved to his brother and sister. Was there any physical or sexual abuse in the family?
It seemed to Peter that his answers showed nothing particularly significant. They were the answers that would be given by anyone brought up in a loving and supportive middle class home at the end of the twentieth century.
When Peter came to leave, he looked at his watch and found that he had spent nearly two hours with Charles Turner. He felt, so far, so good.
-0---0---0-
The First Straightahead Meeting
It was with a mixture of anticipation and reluctance that Peter made his way to the Straightahead rooms in Radford Street. Charles Turner was there to meet him. He was shown into Charles' office. There was another man seated in the room. He got up when Peter and Charles entered.
"Let me introduce you to Chris Sunley. He will be your companion at Straightahead."
They shook hands. Chris was a young man in his early thirties. He had a lot of light brown hair. He looked fairly bronzed and very fit.
"Chris is just back from holiday. I have told him the barest outline of your story. I suggest you both go off to Chris' room and get acquainted."
Chris led the way, up a second flight of stairs, and into a small room on the next floor. The room was neatly furnished. There were three comfortable chairs, a small table, and tea and coffee making facilities set out on a tray on a shelf in a corner. There were some pleasant landscape photographs on the wall.
Chris started to prepare a cup of coffee for them both. While the kettle came to the boil he started talking. "Let me tell you something about myself. I am 33, and I work in a bank in the centre of town. I am a member of a Baptist church about six miles out of Nottingham. I live in Stapleford, where I have got a small flat of my own. I first came in contact with Straightahead some five years ago. The minister at my local church recommended me to Straightahead, as I had confessed to him about my homosexual activities as the result of attending an Alpha course. Straightahead helped me to break with my past."
"How long did that take?"
"About three years. Then I received some training to become a companion. I have been a companion for about a year. You will be the third person I have been a companion to."
"Were you very active, Chris?"
"Yes, very. I was active on the scene. Several relationships lasting various lengths of time. Frequently cruising. Once a week was a little for me."
"When did your church connection start?"
"I have always been involved with church. My parents took me from my earliest days. I went through Sunday school, youth group, and into adult membership. It was only when the Lord convicted me of the double life I was leading that I realised that I was in need of help. It was then I went and told my minister what I was up to. He was surprised; but once he got over his shock, was helpful."
"My story is somewhat different when it comes to activity, though similar in church background." Peter went on to tell his story. Chris listened carefully. He asked just one or two questions to get things clear.
"How has it gone with you since your parents discovered the letter?"
"It has been up and down. Guilt, shame and anger initially. While I was working in Hitchin things were not too bad. This last week has been hell. I was hoping to do a lot of reading. But I cannot concentrate. I find my mind wanders. I start thinking about Anton and my time with him. On my last night at home I had another startling sexy dream. I hadn't had one for several months. But now I am trying to go straight I have a strong one."
"We must not expect to get out of homosexual bondage easily. The powers of darkness want to keep hold of us. It is with much prayer and perseverance that we escape. My own struggle had a great many downs as well as ups. Several times I felt like giving it up, and to stop trying to reform."
"Did you make a clean break with all your sexual activity?"
"No. For most people it does not work like that. Though it may for you, with your story. Straightahead encourages us to set a target for each week. An attainable target. My first target was to only go out cruising once a week."
"Did you achieve it?"
"Not first of all. But when I had succeeded in keeping to that target for a few weeks, I was encouraged to set another target. Once a fortnight. Then it became once a month. Then beating my previous best length of time without any sex. The targets are often discussed with your companion, and then with the group. The group is a great help, because there are others also struggling with their targets. There is sympathy and understanding when you fail, and encouragement and praise when you succeed. Some very good friendships are formed in the groups. I still see a couple from my early days. One of them is now married with a kid."
"In half an hour we will go down, and I will introduce you to the group. I don't think we need to try and set you any targets for this coming week, as it is your first time. I think you need to see how it all works at first. You will probably say very little this first week, and that is okay. You don't have to say anything. That is up to you. I shall be with the group this week. There is always one companion present. But it will not be me every week. Before we go down you will need this." Chris handed Peter a tag with his name on it.
When they went down stairs Chris showed Peter into a large room at the front of the premises. There was quite a bit of noise from the street outside. In the room were seven men. The oldest was in his forties, most were in their late teens or twenties. There was quite a lot of talking and laughter. They obviously all knew each other, and were relaxed together. They were all wearing name tags, which made life easier. As soon as Peter entered the room one of the men came across and introduced himself and welcomed Peter.
Chris took charge. "I think we can get started as we are all here." They all sat down in the various comfortable chairs that were arranged in a large circle. "First, good to see you all. Second, we welcome Peter who is joining us. Peter is a student from the University." This was greeted with groans from several, but one chap looked up and gave Peter a broad grin, and said, "Take no notice of them. They are actually human when you get to know them."
Chris continued, "As it is Peter's first time I remind you of the rules. He need not say anything. We don't interrupt when others are telling how things have gone, until they have finished, and given us permission to comment. Who is going to start this evening?"
"I will," said the older man. "I have had a mixed week. I have not done anything, but it was touch and go. I had to be in town on Friday evening, which was the time when I often used to go to Rutters and pick someone up. The temptation to go back there was so strong. I even found myself walking past it. I glanced in, but then thought of what I would have to tell you chaps."
"But you did resist," said one of the others. "Well done." There were other sounds of approval.
"I have had a bad week," said a man in his twenties. Very quietly and slowly he went on, "I was just settling down for an evening doing various jobs like the washing and some household repairs, when an old friend named Sam called round. He has been abroad for a year, he did not know what has been happening to me here. I had to invite him in. He gave me one of his wonderful kisses. I am afraid he stayed the night." This man's account also included a history of his relationship with Sam, all expressed in some detail and taking quite a time.
"Sounds as though you were swept off your feet." "You had little choice." "Have you repented and know forgiveness?" "How do you feel now?" These were some of the comments made.
So it went round the group. It was a mixture of successes and failures. There was no harsh judgement on those who had failed. They all seemed to know a lot about each other's experiences and past. The last part of the group time was spent in open prayer. One or two found praying aloud very difficult, and were slightly embarrassed. Those prayers were often simple, and Peter thought the most genuine. A couple of the men present were used to praying aloud in an evangelical prayer meeting way. Peter's academic mind noticed the jargon, and the frequency of the words, really' and just'.
The group meeting lasted just over an hour. They then stood around talking for a further twenty minutes. Peter was drawn into a smaller group, he was asked where he came from, his accent gave his origins away. He was asked what he was studying. The other student came across, introduced himself as John, reading English, and they then chatted about University life.
Peter left the meeting in a positive frame of mind. He thought he could get on all right with Chris. The group was friendly and welcoming. Perhaps all things would be well.
-0---0---0-
Dealing with Ben, and more about Straightahead.
Living away from the University campus, and in a small house with two other men, brought about a number of changes in Peter's way of life. One immediate difference was that the three who shared the house had all the difficulties and fun of living together. Peter found that he got on particularly well with Robert, who was reading theology, and hoping to be ordained into the Church of England ministry. They were often to be found talking together over endless cups of coffee, or cans of beer. There was no doubt about Robert's sexual orientation. He had had several girl friends during his first year in Hall, and this term one particular girl Katie was a frequent visitor to the house in Chilwell. Sometimes she would stay the night, especially over weekends.
Robert was of different churchmanship to Peter. Peter's was conservative evangelical, very traditional in doctrine, strict in its ethical teaching, emphasising personal morality, simple in its worship, with a touch of charismatic worship. Robert was a liberal Catholic, fairly orthodox in doctrine, not quite so strict in ethical teaching, with more of an emphasis on issues of justice and peace. The church he attended was well known for its elaborate ceremonial, `smells and bells'. Whereas Peter's vicar, Bruce, was a member of Reform, and was against the ordination of women to the priesthood, and totally against any expression of homosexuality, Robert's vicar was a member of Affirming Catholicism, supporting the ordination of women, and far more understanding of homosexual activity.
Their disagreements led to some lively discussions, sometimes heated, often hilarious. Underlying their differences was a basic agreement on the essentials, for both of them Jesus was the key to so much in their lives. Though they prayed and expressed their faith in very different ways they both accepted that they loved and served the same Lord, and that there was an essential oneness in Him.
It may seem strange, but they had never discussed homosexuality. Peter had never raised it, and diverted it if the discussion seemed to be going in that direction. The result was that Peter's homosexual problems were totally unknown and unsuspected by Robert.
The term was just over a week old, when Peter arrived back in Chilwell to find a letter addressed to him on the door mat. The writing told him who it was from. He took it upstairs before opening it. My dear Peter, I failed to get your new address at the end of last term, so I have had to obtain it from the administrative bureaucracy. I hope that your long vac went well. Clive has told me all about you and Anton. I was delighted to hear it. I have only met Anton a few times, and thought him a good lad. Clive speaks extremely highly of him, both professionally and personally. He says you could not have linked up with a better bloke however much you had tried. I do hope that you find much joy and happiness together. We had a wonderful holiday together. Touring with a man like Clive makes you realise how much racial prejudice there is around in some people; though thankfully not in all. I am writing to invite you round for a meal so that we can catch up on news. Give me a ring, and we will fix a time when the three of us [or four - Anton?] can get together. Clive sends his love. Much love Ben.
Peter sat on his bed. His feelings for Ben and Clive came to the fore. He remembered Bruce's words saying that he should not see them, certainly not go to their house. Then he remembered Anton, the ease of their relationship, the warmth of his body, the ecstasy of their sex together. Before he knew it he was thoroughly aroused. With difficulty he pulled his mind away. He tried to pray for help, but found little help. He heard someone come in downstairs, so he went down to make himself a drink, and to get talking to who ever had returned home.
He knew that he had to respond to the letter. He wondered whether to leave it until he saw Chris, so that he could talk it over with him. Was this not the sort thing a companion was there to help you with? After some thought he decided to reply as soon as possible. It was another difficult letter to write. Again there were several drafts before he began to be satisfied.
Dear Ben, Thank you for your letter and for the invitation to a meal. Things changed a great deal for me during the second half of the long vac. My parents discovered my relationship with Anton. It is a long story, but with their help and advice, I have committed myself to go no further down a gay path, but to seek healing and strength to follow the natural path. In these circumstances I know it would be best if I did not meet up with you and Clive, Yours sincerely Peter.
The letter left him in turmoil. He felt bad about the letter. Everything kept coming into his mind during the following week. When he had his session with Chris, he showed him the letter, and a copy of his reply. Chris approved of what he had done. The second part of the session together was spent with Chris explaining how important it was to be able to relate to men in a totally non-sexual way. They looked at men to whom Peter had been attracted. Raymond was discussed in detail, and also the relationship with Ben and Clive.
In the group Peter told them about the letter, and his reply. His response met with approval. It was the older man, who asked a question.
"What effect did that letter have on you? What has been your reaction?"
"Well. It stirred everything up. I have been thinking a lot about Ben and Clive. I like them both very much. I think I would do anything for Ben. There has never been anything sexual between us. I felt terrible writing and posting that letter. I felt I was kicking a good friend in the face." There were nods of sympathy from other members of the group. "It brought everything in my relationship with Anton back into the fore. I think I am making one step forwards, and then something like this happens and I seem to be three steps back. What do I do about it?"
"It is the way it usually goes," said John, the student. "I think you just have to press on through, trying with help from all quarters, from God, from this group, to make up those three steps and more. Remember Pete, there are many praying for you."
"And I must not let them down."
In the prayer meeting time Peter was prayed for three or four times. When the meeting broke up, several spoke encouragingly to him. A couple put their arms round him and gave him a quick hug. John, the other student, hung back, so that they left together. They walked back to the University Campus together; Peter got a bus for the rest of the way back to Chilwell.
-0---0---0-
The Autumn Term
That autumn term was a difficult one for Peter. For the first time since his early school days he found that he was not enjoying his work. A new essay provided no challenge, it was just something to be done. A new book was never interesting. He would try to read, but found concentration difficult. Sessions with his tutor, which he had found stimulating during his first year, and enjoyable with the cut and thrust of discussion, were now difficult hours, when he found he had little to say. In his first year he had played quite a lot of hockey, but that was dropped. As the term progressed he frequently got up in the morning and faced the day as just something to be got through. He had lost his enthusiasm for life.
He remembered how he had run into Ben at the University during his first term, he feared meeting him face to face again. He avoided the place where they had first met, and as much as possible never went near the English Department. He knew that his letter must have been hurtful to Ben, and Ben was the last person he had wanted to hurt. The very thought of Ben and Clive, their friendship, hospitality and fun, caused him sadness.
Then there was Anton. Often two or three times a day he would think of Anton. Sometimes he succeeded in pushing his memories out of his mind. But often when he was alone, and especially last thing at night, the picture of Anton's body would be especially strong. The more he tried to push it from him, the more potent it was. He tried to pray, but that did not work. He tried reading various sorts of books, but none would hold his attention for long. All too soon he would be back thinking and wanting Anton.
The friendship with Raymond was still there, but because neither of them was living on campus, they no longer met as frequently as during their first year. They tried to meet on a Sunday afternoon. Unless the weather made it totally out of the question they would walk in either the University Park, or Wollaton Park. Peter did not tell Raymond what had happened at the end of the previous term and during the vac. The friendship that was significant in the earlier part of the year, now became static, it no longer grew.
Peter saw nothing of George Riley. This was one of the few good things of his second autumn term.
He continued to attend the Straightahead meetings each week. Chris listened with understanding to accounts of his ups and downs. Chris said it was important that Peter began to explore relating to men in a non sexual way. He said that this was done by `safe' physical contact. To demonstrate he gave Peter a quick hug round the shoulders. The next week it was a face to face hug. Peter felt himself begin to respond. He pulled away.
"Were you beginning to get a hard on?" asked Chris.
"Yes," said Peter with some embarrassment.
"That's all right. There is no way we are going to go any further. Come on, hold me too."
They hugged each other. "I can only do it without getting an erection if I think of some issue in economics"
Chris laughed. "See how you get on next week."
So week by week they progressed. From hugging, they went on to Peter sitting on Chris' knee. Always Peter was honest and open about his response. There was only a slight attraction towards Chris, but the physical contact with Chris stirred memories of Anton, and these caused the sexual arousal.
Towards the end of term Chris invited Peter to come round to his flat in Stapleford for a meal.
The group time was always interesting and sometimes helpful. The small group of men shared their lives. Peter quickly felt one of the group. Often after the meeting time they would stand for a while talking. Occasionally they would adjourn to a nearby pub. This was always pleasant. They could never go into a gay pub together because of their involvement with Straightahead, though sometimes one of them told how he had slipped into one during the week. In a straight pub they could never talk openly about what they had in common. Almost every week Peter would walk back to the University with John. They took to going back to John's room for a drink and further chat, before Peter made his way out to Chilwell.
Often they would discuss the evening at Straightahead. It was John who one evening suggested that two men at Straightahead were more than just friends.
"What are you suggesting? That they are having it off together?" asked a rather surprised Peter.
"Yes, just that. You watch them. See how they look at each other."
The next Wednesday evening Peter kept an eye on the two concerned. As he walked back with John he said, "I think you may be right. I think there is something between those two. I am surprised."
"I am not," said John very firmly. "I would not be surprised if there was more going on than just those two. Last term there was something between one of the clients and his companion. They both stopped coming at the same time, and I was just beginning to wonder about them. Charles was very evasive when I asked a few questions about them. I am beginning to think Straightahead just suppresses our sexuality. If you suppress it for long it will find a way out in some form or another."
The days grew shorter and cooler. The damp mists of the Trent valley frequently pervaded the lower parts of Nottingham, Beeston and Chilwell. There were several nights when the University campus had clear skies, but as Peter went down into Beeston the mists closed around. There seemed to him to be some symbolism in that experience. Slowly the University term drew towards its end, and into the final ten days.
-0---0---0-
An Evening with Chris.
The autumn term that year ended on Wednesday 9th December. It was the last ten days that were to prove eventful.
Chris's invitation to a meal was for Saturday, 28th November. Chilwell and Stapleford are not very far apart, so Peter decided to walk the couple of miles. He found the flat easily.
It was an upstairs flat consisting of bedroom, living room, kitchen and bathroom. Chris had obviously spent time and money in decorating and furnishing it. It was no bleak bachelor pad.
Over sherry Peter sat on the settee, and Chris on an armchair. Chris kept jumping up to attend to culinary matters. The table was attractively laid and the food and wine excellent.
"I like entertaining," said Chris. "It gives me an excuse to cook a proper meal."
Their conversation over the meal was mainly about University life, and the economics of banking. They both found the discussion stimulating. When they had finished nibbling at biscuits and cheese, Peter helped Chris clear the table. Offers to help with the washing up were firmly refused. Chris pointed to a dishwasher. Eventually they returned to the other room, with the coffee. Peter again sat on the settee, and this time Chris joined him.
Peter took the opportunity to find out more about Chris. He asked about his active gay past. Chris proceeded to tell of various episodes. He was very frank. One or two of the stories were amusing, and they both had a good laugh.
"With the end of term in sight, you will soon be having a break from Straightahead. How do you think this term has gone for you? Do you think you have made any progress?"
"Yes and no. Yes, I think I have profited by being able to be open with you and the group. The chaps at Straightahead are all very supportive and encouraging. On the other hand I don't think I have made much progress. As I have told you, I often find myself thinking of Anton, and wanting him. I think that if I met him in the street and he asked me back to his flat, I would go with him like a shot. I would not want to leave him until he threw me out."
"You not only enjoyed the sex with him, you fell in love with him, didn't you?"
"I suppose I did. Strangely enough I have never put that into words. Yes, I fell in love with Anton. I suppose I love him still."
"That is possibly the root of your difficulty. If you had played the field like most of us at Straightahead have done, liking some of your lovers more than others, I think breaking with it might have been easier. You could have worked to some tangible goals. But for you it is centred on your experience with just one man, who you fell in love with."
"What can I do about it?"
"I think we need to think carefully about that one." Chris paused. "Would you like some more coffee, by the way?"
Peter nodded. "Yes please."
Chris refilled the two coffee cups, and again sat back. This time he put his arm along the back of the settee, behind Peter's head.
"To get back to your question. You could just carry on along your present path. You could carry on trying to get the memories of Anton out of your system. Another way, perhaps, would be to make Anton one among several. Then the memory of him would not continue to be so compelling. I am not suggesting a wild life of profligacy." He just let his fingers lightly touch the back of Peter's neck as he withdrew his arm. It almost seemed an accidental touch.
"I don't know. It seems to me a course with a certain amount of risks. One of the strengths of my present position is that I have not had a lot of sexual experience; and that was with one man, not many." He looked at Chris.
"Yes. It would have to be carefully controlled." He tapped Peter's knee with his forefinger, to emphasise his words.
Peter sat thinking. Chris then moved closer, and put his arm round Peter, and gave him a gentle hug.
Peter looked at him, and grinned. "Is this one of your exercises in self restraint?" He gave a slight movement towards Chris.
"It could be." There was a silence for a moment. "Or it could be something more."
"In what way?"
"We know each other. We trust each other. I can help give you that further experience. Would it not be better for us to enjoy each other, in a safe, knowing way, than for you to have some casual pick-ups?" He put his hand lightly on Peter's thigh. "You are very attractive, Peter."
Peter put his hand on Chris's, and gave it a gentle squeeze. Chris took that as an encouragement, so he lent closer and gave Peter a kiss on his cheek. He kept his face close. Peter turned, and smiled, and they gave each other a proper kiss. They smiled at each other, and then gave each other a long and deep kiss. They moved closer, and made themselves more comfortable. Chris hand moved slightly higher.
Peter was only too well aware that he was fully aroused. He wondered about Chris, so he put his hand on Chris's thigh. They continued to kiss, and Chris moved his hand so that he could feel the outline of Peter's hardened cock. This was the first time he had felt it with his hand. He then took Peter's hand and placed it on his own hardened cock.
Chris broke the kiss. "Can you stay the night?"
Those words broke the spell. Peter remembered another evening. It was not a cold and damp November evening, but a hot, thundery summer evening, with another man. He knew he still in some way loved Anton. To have sex with Chris would be enjoyable, and though he saw that it would be a betrayal of his present involvement with Straightahead, he felt that it would be an even greater betrayal of Anton.
Peter pulled away. "I don't think so." He did not want to hurt Chris, more than necessary. "I would not be happy about it. I am sorry." He lent forward and gave Chris a formal peck kiss on his cheek. "I like you Chris. But I don't want to go that far. At least, not at the moment."
Peter stood up. "Thank you Chris for a lovely evening. I enjoyed the meal. It was great talking and getting to know you better. Thank you for that time," he nodded towards the settee. "I enjoyed that too. I hope you don't feel too hurt that I could not take it any further. I must be going."
Chris got Peter's jacket and helped him put it on. Peter gave Chris a hug and a kiss. "Thank you." He opened the door leading down the stairs "See you on Wednesday" He made his way out into the November night.
Peter was glad that he had the walk back to Chilwell. It gave him an opportunity to do some serious thinking. He felt confused by the evening's events. He felt somewhat betrayed by Chris. He had trusted him, and saw him as someone who would help him escape from his homosexuality. Surely the attempted seduction was totally against the principles of Straightahead. He wondered what Charles Turner would say, if he knew. His relationship and belief in Straightahead was now shaken. It was not a perfect organisation, it was no better than those who were involved in working for it. He should not have expected otherwise. There was never such a thing as a perfect organisation. He remembered the old adage about searching for the perfect church, and it ceasing to be perfect the moment you joined it.
He thought about his own reaction. He had very nearly stayed the night with Chris. There was now, as he walked under a dripping tree, even a slight regret that he had not agreed to a night of warmth, affection and sex. What caused him most thought was the reason why he had said, `no'. He still wanted Anton. He ruminated for a while on how much he must have hurt Anton. What was Anton doing now? At work? In his flat? Alone?
Then he pushed Anton away. Though his confidence in Straightahead had been severely tested, he resolved to continue with the programme, at least for the time being. He decided he would not tell Charles Turner what had happened; unless Chris made further advances, or made problems in some way. He began to look forward to the end of the term, and getting home. Nottingham was creating its problems as Whitgest had in the summer.
When he arrived back at the house in Chilwell he found Robert sitting alone drinking coffee.
"Want some coffee? Katie's upstairs having a bath." He got up to get Peter a coffee. "What have you been doing this evening you look very serious."
"Do I? It has been a funny sort of evening." He wondered whether to tell Robert about himself. It would be good to talk it all over with someone who was a friend who stood outside the whole issue. "There is something I have been thinking of telling you for some time."
He got no further. Katie, flushed and fragrant from her bath, returned to the room. The couple obviously wanted to be alone, so Peter retired alone to his room with his cup of coffee.