This is a story that involves a little sex between males. If such a story is offensive, or illegal for you to read where you live, then do not continue, go and surf elsewhere.
This is a work of fiction and in no way draws on the lives of any specific person or persons. If there is any similarity to any real persons or events it is entirely coincidental.
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My thanks to Brian who has read this through and made a number of corrections and suggestions. Any remaining errors, grammatical, spelling historical or whatever are entirely my fault.
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Peter Broad's Story
- Thoughts after meeting Ben and Clive.
It was a very thoughtful Peter that made his way back to his Hall. It was the first time he had spoken to anyone who was open and out about his homosexuality. It was the first time he had met two men who were in such a relationship. His theologically conservative, almost fundamentalist background taught him the only place for a sexual relationship was within marriage, between husband and wife. Sex with anyone else was always wrong. There were also the seven texts from the Bible that condemned homosexual acts. In the holiness code of Leviticus; in St Paul's greatest letter, to the Romans; and everywhere else it always stood completely condemned.
Yet Ben and Clive were in every other respect decent normal men. They obviously loved each other. There was no other word than love to describe their relationship. It had survived separation, difficulties, and was flourishing. Yet the Biblical law said that it was wrong. Many of his fellow believers would say that their living together in such a relationship meant that they were hell-bound sinners.
In the Old Testament the penalty was stoning. He had a brief picture of the barbarity of a stoning, with Ben and Clive as the victims. He was finding it difficult to condemn, and even to say that they were wrong.
But that was to take steps down the slippery slopes to wishy-washy theological liberalism, so frequently condemned and ridiculed by Bruce Perkins from the pulpit back home.
When he got back to his room he was still churning it over in his head. Into the turmoil came his own sexual uncertainties. With his own vivid dreams in mind, he asked himself where he stood in all this.
In the early hours he fell asleep, but it was a restless night.
-0---0---0-
- Raymond.
It was twelve days after his letter to Janet that the other significant event happened. Most weeks he had gone along to a small study group organised by the University Christian fellowship to which he belonged. Attendance each week varied a great deal. The starting off point for the discussion was the last chapter of St Paul's letter to the Philippians, but if the evening ran true to form the discussion would probably range onto matters far from the text. They were meeting in a fellow student's rooms. Fortunately it was slightly larger than most rooms, because on this particular Tuesday evening there were fourteen present. This was almost too many for easy discussion and for everyone to join in.
They were sitting round, in an attempted circle, four people on the bed, some on chairs, and the rest seated on the floor. Peter was one of those seated on the floor. The regulars all knew each other, and Peter knew most of those present.
Early on in the meeting Peter looked up straight across into the eyes of a man he did not know, who was seated in one of the chairs opposite. Their eyes held for a fleeting moment, and then they both looked away. In that moment something happened to Peter. It was more than 'he looks a nice chap' or 'I'd like to get to know him better'. Peter was like most men. He had a difficulty in identifying his emotions. He sat, head down looking at the open Bible in front of him. His thoughts were not on the subject. After a few minutes he glanced up, only to register that the other man was still looking intently at him. He looked down, and to his embarrassment felt himself blush slightly.
After several minutes he glanced up again. This time the other man's attention was elsewhere, and Peter was able to get a good look at him. He asked himself what was going on.
The study group lasted for about an hour. When it finished most people stayed around talking over coffee and biscuits. As soon as it was over, those on the floor stood up to stretch themselves.
The other man came across to Peter. "I don't think we have met. My name is Raymond."
Peter introduced himself and they chatted for a few moments.
"Let's skip the coffee and go for a drink. We can talk better there."
They both slipped out, and went along to the nearest pub. There over a pint, sitting in a corner, they started to talk. They talked together freely and easily until closing time.
They were in different halls of residence, and when it came to the parting of the ways, Raymond said, "Why don't you come round to my room for a drink tomorrow evening?"
The next day Peter went round to Raymond's room just after 8.00. The room was like most other student accommodations that had been built in the rapid university expansion days of the 1960s. It was small. It was furnished with a bed, a table, an upright chair, and an easy chair, built in bookshelves, wardrobe.
Peter flopped down on the bed. This was usual, neither of the chairs were particularly comfortable. Again the conversation flowed easily between them. They discussed, they disagreed and they began to share. Peter had never experienced such a meeting of minds. He enjoyed being in Raymond's company.
That evening there was no closing time, and it was well gone 11.00pm when Peter looked at his watch and intimated that he must be going.
"Must you go?" said Raymond, placing his hands on Peter's thigh, and looking at him straight in the face. The hand was high enough not to be just a friendly touch. He gave a slight squeeze. Peter put his hand over Raymond's. For a moment an image from one of his dreams flashed through Peter's mind. Here was a chance to experience for real. Then the thought came of the others in the study group, where he and Raymond had met. Then some of the Bible texts. All this happened in very quick succession.
Very gently and slowly he picked Raymond's hand off his thigh. Peter looked at Raymond, smiled sadly. "I'm sorry -."
"No. I'm the one to be sorry. I'm sorry I got you wrong."
"Got me wrong? What do you mean, Ray?"
"I thought you were gay. I'm sorry. I would not have put our friendship in danger. If only I wasn't so impetuous."
"Don't worry. You're the second person who has thought that I was gay."
"Oh! Who was the first?"
"Janet, the girl from school I told you a bit about. I really must be going. I suppose it's, 'see you next term!'?"
With that they parted. Raymond stood in his doorway, and watched Peter walk along the short corridor, and then turn to go down the stairs. When Peter did not turn to look back, he felt worse than ever. He had made a complete mess of the evening. He liked Peter for himself, and not just as a possible sexual encounter. Now he had prejudiced the possible friendship in grasping too quickly for the sex.
"I'm a fool. A bloody fool," he muttered to himself.
Peter walked off along the corridor and down the stairs in a complete turmoil. Raymond was the second person to think that he was gay. The inner struggle was joined between his background, morally strict, theologically conservative if not fundamentalist, ethically everything black and white, and all forms of sex outside marriage totally taboo; and what seemed to him at this moment, as something possibly attractive and personally fulfilling. Now the struggle was not academic, as when he had thought of Ben and Clive. Now it was personal. It involved him.
The attraction to Raymond was there. The desire to say 'yes', and go ahead was there. But there was that in himself that held him back, and had made him say 'no'.
Had he missed his chance with Raymond? Had he missed that chance to discover whether this was really what he wanted? He too had enjoyed their two evenings together. Raymond was somebody he wanted to get to know more. Why did sex have to come into it and muck everything up? Raymond had thought that he was gay. Why could not things in himself be simple and straight forward?
-0---0---0-
- A Whitgest Meeting and a Christmas Card.
It was three days after his return home that Peter met Ben's mother. He had been to the Post Office and overtook her as she was walking home with some shopping. He slowed down and chatted to her.
After the usual greetings, Mrs Menzies asked how he had enjoyed his first term.
"Very much indeed. I am enjoying the work, though probably not done enough of that. I have joined several societies, including the Christian Union. I have even started playing hockey. Right towards the end of term, I ran into Ben."
"Did you?" Mrs Menzies stopped, put her basket on the ground and turned to Peter. "I wondered if you would, when I heard that you were going up to Nottingham. How is he? How does he look?"
"He's fine. I hadn't seen him for over ten years. I had thought he was tall, but now he is slightly shorter than me. You know how it is."
Mrs Menzies smiled. "Yes, you have grown a lot over the years."
"He said that if I saw you I was to make a special point of giving you his love."
"How did you come to meet him? You are not reading English, are you?"
"No, I'm reading economics. I ran into him, quite literally. He was hurtling to a lecture with an armful of books and papers, and I was going the other way. We met at a corner, books and papers went everywhere. It was only when I had helped to pick up the debris and looked at him properly, that I realised who it was. I went round to his house, and had a meal."
"What sort of house is it?"
"A small terrace house. They have got it very attractively furnished."
"They? Does he live with some one?"
"Yes. With a chap called Clive."
"Did you meet him?"
"Yes. A nice chap. A psychiatric nurse." Peter did not add any further details.
"Peter, you probably know by now why Ben left the village. He will have told you, I'm sure, if you did not know already. He let us all down. It was disgraceful, shameful, disgusting. His father is very strict, especially about that sort of thing. But Ben is my son. He is my first born son. There is supposed to be a special relationship between a mother and her first born, especially if it is a son. I love him still, and I miss him."
She paused for a moment. What she wanted to say was obviously difficult to put into words. "Are they - you know - are they close, special friends?"
"Yes. They met at Oxford. They have lived together since Ben started his job in Nottingham. I only met Clive for a few minutes. He seems a nice chap."
"Are they happy?"
"Yes. Very much I would say."
"I suppose that's something. Though it does not make it right. When you next see him give him my love. I dare not mention his name to my husband. What they are doing is sin, you know. But we can love the sinner, not the sin. Make sure he does not corrupt you, and lead you astray."
She picked up her shopping bag, and they resumed their slow walk along the village street together.
When they came to part, Mrs Menzies spoke again. "Give him my love. Tell him, that if I ask to see him, would he please come quickly. Good bye Peter. I hope you have a very happy Christmas."
With a slow tired walk, she went on alone.
When he got home Peter commented to his mother on how much Mrs Menzies had aged, even over the last term.
"Yes. I'm quite worried about her. I don't think she is very well."
Peter volunteered no further information.
When he got home there was a Christmas card from Raymond. Safely delivered by the G.P.O. with only a minimal address on the envelope, Peter Broad, Whitgest, Hertfordshire. In the card there were three lines, "I hope I am forgiven. Happy Christmas. Looking forward to next term."
Peter took it up to his room and read it several times. There was really nothing to forgive; and Raymond obviously wanted to continue the friendship, even if nothing else was involved. Peter felt happier.
-0---0---0-
Janet and Mike
Janet phoned a few days before Christmas. They chatted for a long time on the phone, telling each other how their first term at University had gone.
Then she told Peter that Mike was coming to stay for a few days, and invited him to come over to meet him.
On the day before New Year's Eve, Peter went across to Bunting to meet Janet's Mike.
The three of them spent a very pleasant evening, talking and listening to music. Mike was a scholarly type, thin, with thick glasses. Peter even thought him slightly effeminate. He wondered if Janet had told Mike about her suspicions over his sexuality. He thought they would have a long discussion about it after he had gone.
What did strike Peter was the way that Mike looked at Janet. His eyes followed her everywhere. They could only be described as looking with adoration; though Peter thought that the word was rather wet, when it flashed through his mind. What he did ponder on, was the way that look showed something of the way Mike felt about Janet. He knew that he had never thought that way about her. He realised too that he had seen a related look of affection in the eyes of Ben and Clive, when Clive had arrived home from work.
He stopped his father's car on the way back home to think. What was the difference, was there any real difference, between the love of Mike for Janet, and the love of Ben and Clive? Was there any moral difference? There must be a difference. The sexual activity of Ben and Clive made their relationship wrong. What he had been taught told him so.
Where did he stand in all this? He knew he never felt that way towards Janet, in spite of every opportunity over the years, and in spite of every encouragement from Janet. He knew he had never been attracted to a girl in that way. Then there were his dreams, where did they come from? Then there was Raymond. He remembered the touch on his thigh, and his warming response before he had the strength to say no. Was he gay? He didn't know. He thought that it might help if he had someone to talk it over with. He reviewed several possibilities in Whitgest, his mother, the vicar, - only to dismiss them immediately.
The only person who he might talk it over with was Ben. Ben would at least give him a sympathetic hearing. The danger was that Ben might try to pull him towards a gay solution. Could he trust Ben to be wise, and impartial?
He eventually decided that Ben was the only possibility. Three or four evenings later he rang Ben, and said that he had a problem he would like to talk over with him, as soon as possible after he returned to Nottingham. They arranged for Peter to go round to Ben's.
-0---0---0-
- A Dinner Party in Whitgest
On the third of January Bruce and Helen Perkins came round to the Broad's for dinner. It had become a tradition for the vicar and his wife to come for an evening during the first week of the New Year. Peter's father, David, had been churchwarden for a five year spell which had covered the departure of the previous vicar, the interregnum, and the arrival of Bruce. As a result there was something of a special relationship between Bruce Perkins and one of his first churchwardens, David Broad. Peter could well remember Bruce and Helen coming to look around the parish before deciding to come as vicar, and peeping over the banisters in his desire to see what they looked like.
Peter's sister had not yet returned to her flat in Hitchin after the Christmas and New Year break, so she was there with Peter for the whole of evening. Their brother Andrew was out with his latest girl friend. It was a typical relaxed, enjoyable evening. They all knew each other well. There was a lot of laughter, and some gentle leg-pulling. The evening would have been totally unexceptional but for an interesting conversation that was remembered by Peter.
Two or three years before, the church and village had been very saddened by the marriage breakdown of a lively and church-committed couple. The husband had suddenly left his wife, Christine, leaving her to bring up a couple of young children. There had been a lot of support given. Then four months before Christmas Christine, the forsaken wife, had appeared in the village with another man. The gossip grapevine was soon working, and with justification. Christine had shared with everyone her good news, and at the beginning of December had told all her friends that she and her new man were hoping to get married in the autumn of the following year. Everyone was delighted that there was to be good news after the heartache of the marriage breakdown. The question was being asked as to whether she would be married in church. Peter's mother, Anne, knew that the vicar had been approached and like the rest of the village was eager to know what was going to happen. It was not until they were drinking coffee in the sitting room after the meal, that the subject was raised.
"Christine looks a transformed woman since she met Paul," said Anne Broad. "I don't think I have ever seen someone so transformed and radiant."
"I know," replied Helen. "I think it is all wonderful. I am so pleased for her after all that she has been through."
Peter's father, David put in the question. "Bruce, what exactly is the position in the Church of England over the marriage of divorced people? Can they be married in church?"
"At the moment the legal position is quite clear. A person who has been divorced cannot be married in church during the lifetime of the previous partner. That's church law. The law of the land allows it. There are a few rogue clergy who are willing to marry divorcees; but the church ruling is, at the moment, quite clear."
"And you are not prepared to be a rogue clergyman?" asked Peter, with a broad grin on his face.
"No. I think the church ruling is both clear and right. The Gospels are clear, though I do think that the situation today is not the same as in New Testament times. I'm not one of those who holds an absolutist position. I think we do have to recognise that there is such a thing as marriage breakdown. Sometimes, as I think in Christine's case, the fault seems to be totally with one of the married parties. Christine's Henry went off with someone else. I think Christine continued to love him for sometime afterwards. Possibly still does in some small way. I think that if there is an innocent party, as with Christine, the church should be able to do what it can without compromising its principle that marriage is `until death do us part'.
"So what can you do about it?" asked Anne Broad, "if they can't be married in church."
"I can offer them a service of Blessing after a Civil Marriage."
"What does that involve?" asked Anne.
"It means getting married in the registry office, either just before, or the day or so before a service in Church. It is a service that is very close to the marriage service in the Prayer Book, but acknowledges the existence of the previous marriage, and expresses repentance. There were quite a number of requests for this in the parish where I was a curate in Liverpool. I took several myself. I always found couples took it all extremely seriously, and were most appreciative."
"I find that position rather difficult to understand," said David Broad. "You are not supposed to take a second marriage service, but you can bless one taken just hours before by the registrar. It sounds to me like the registrar doing the dirty work for the church," he added with a smile.
"I see your point. But if marriage is expected to be permanent, then a second marriage, while the previous partner is living, cannot witness to the permanence of marriage. But we have to recognise the realities of life. The present set up is a sort of compromise; and all compromises are in some way unsatisfactory."
"I thought there was some discussion in the Church Synod a few years ago about the marriage of people who had been divorced," commented David.
"Yes, there was," replied Bruce. "At that time it was agreed to maintain the status quo. But it will come up again. The Church of England has the strictest marriage discipline over this."
"What, stricter than the Church of Rome?" asked Anne Broad.
"Yes, stricter than Rome. Rome has allowed many situations for annulment, for declaring the first marriage was null and void, not a real marriage. The Church of England allows only one reason for declaring a marriage null and void, and that is when the marriage is not consummated, when the sexual union has not taken place."
"Bruce, has the Church ever changed its mind over anything?" asked Mary rather impatiently.
All eyes turned on Bruce, faced with this direct and challenging question. He thought for a moment. "Yes, I think you can say it has. It has changed its mind over usury, lending money with interest. In the middle ages Christians were forbidden to lend money and ask for interest. The Jews did, and that is one of the reasons why they were so unpopular."
There was another pause, then Bruce added, "Another change of mind was over slavery. Many Christians in the early ages, in fact up to the eighteenth century, did not question slavery. We look back on the whole slavery debate before and after 1800, and think it was all very obvious and clear cut. It was not. Though there were Christians, like the Evangelicals William Wilberforce and his companions, who fought against slavery with success. There were others who supported slavery."
"Have there been any more recent changes?" asked Mary.
There was another pause. "Yes, I think so. There has been a change over the matter of divorce. I remember that when I was a curate, the man who was my boss, the vicar of the parish, said that when he was first ordained, you had to get the Bishop's permission before giving communion to a person who had been divorced. That does not apply now. I did not have to ask the Bishop's permission to give communion to Christine, when her divorce came through. I just did so."
"I should think so too," exploded Mary. "But that is not much of a change."
"Just a moment. There is another matter over which the Church of England has changed its position and the Roman Catholic church so far has not, though many Roman Catholics do not follow their official line. Do you know what I am thinking about?" he asked, looking round at the others present.
"Birth control?" said Anne.
"Yes, birth control. I am working from memory. I think it was the 1920 Lambeth Conference of Anglican Bishops, who issued an emphatic warning against the use of unnatural means for the avoidance of conception. In the 1930 resolutions there is a chink in that total condemnation. The welfare of a mother and a child are to be considered. If the couple are convinced of the need to limit their parenthood, they should seek competent advice both medical and spiritual, before going ahead and using some method of birth control. Both conferences were emphatic in recommending self denial and abstinence. The sexual act is seen as purely about children, and nothing to do with relationship building. Strangely enough the next Lambeth Conference in 1948 is absolutely silent on the matter. However the 1958 Conference gave the green light to responsible family planning."
"I should think so too," was Mary's comment.
Peter was to remember this conversation.
-0---0---0-
- "Where am I?"
It was three days after the start of the winter term that Peter went to see Ben. He walked down into Beeston, rehearsing how he was going to tackle the subject. He was confident of a positive hearing, but he had never spoken to anyone intimately about himself. He knew that he would show his uncertainties and confusion. Yet it was because of that he was going to see Ben.
He rang the door bell. Clive came to the door, and he was warmly welcomed. He accepted the offer of a coffee, and while Clive went off to make coffees all round, he went into the room where Ben was.
They talked briefly about Christmas, and Peter reported the conversation he had had with Ben's mother. He passed on the message from her. He also told Ben what his mother had said about Mrs Menzies' health. Ben was very thoughtful. When Clive came back into the room with the mugs of coffee he was told Peter's news.
"I don't think you rang from Whitgest asking to see me, just to tell me my family news. What did you want to see me about?" said Ben.
"I'll leave you two to it." said Clive, rising from his chair..
"No, you stay," said Peter. "You may well be able to help." Clive sat down again.
"I don't know quite where, or how, to start." He paused. "In September a friend, who is a girl, told me that she thought I was gay. Then right at the end of last term, a friend up here told me that he thought I was gay. If I'm quite honest I'm confused. I'm not sure whether I am or not. And you, Ben, and I suppose you too Clive, are about the only people I can talk to about it. How can I know whether I am gay or not?"
Ben and Clive looked at each other and grinned. "Well," said Ben. "I didn't expect you to be wanting to talk over that. I thought it might be some sort of University problem. We will help you if we can. Someone who has been through that soul searching is likely to be more understanding and helpful than someone who is straight. Tell us your story. All that might be relevant. Don't feel you have to hurry. We've got the whole evening."
Peter told them the whole story. He included the details of his dreams, describing a couple of them in detail. He told them about his different attitude to sexual matters from the other lads at school, and how he put that difference down to his religious beliefs. He went into them in some detail. He told them about Janet, the friendship, the final evening of the school holidays in September, and his meeting Mike just a few days before. He also told them about Raymond, the oneness that they seemed to experience together, and the pass that Raymond had made on the last night of term. Occasionally one or other of the two listeners asked a question, to make sure that he had got it correctly.
"That's about all, and brings you both up to date."
There was a short, thoughtful silence, broken by Ben. "I would never be in a position to say to you, or to anybody, you are gay', or you are not gay'. That is something you have to discover for yourself."
"That is something I have been trying to do, but I just go round in circles."
"Some men know fairly early that they are different from the majority. They know they are gay. I knew very early on, hence my lengthy affair with Nigel Tooley as a schoolboy. Other men take much, much longer. Some men even get into their forties or more before they eventually realise that they are gay. Some men, quite a lot of men, get married, and at some stage in the married life, realise that their basic sexual attraction is towards men and not women. That is a hard journey, and very hard for their wives."
"How did you know, Ben. How old were you?"
"The earliest clue was when I was about seven. I wanted to be kissed by another boy, slightly older than myself. There was a little bit of showing and touching each other with other boys at school. The affair with Nigel started one hot summer day. We were out in the countryside, and climbed one of those straw stacks, not a nice soft hay stack. We made a little den amongst the bales. We could just get in together. We were so close together, we cuddled, and soon could feel each other getting aroused. That was the start of an affair that lasted for about six years."
"What about you, Clive?"
"I come from the east end of London. I didn't know straw stacks even existed, let alone the difference between straw and hay. I was a bit older. Looking back on it I remember now that I always enjoyed seeing the bodies of other boys in the showers after a game of football. In the east end of London, it was bodies of all colours and sizes, very interesting! Well, I was about seventeen and a half, and I was in the showers, and there was just one other guy in the showers. The other guys had just gone out, leaving the place empty, except for this other guy. I was watching him. He must have seen me watching him. He started playing with himself. I watched even more. Soon he had a great hard on, and I was beginning to follow suit. He looked at me, and grinned. Then he walked across to me, and took my hand, and made me hold his cock. He took hold of mine. 'You are nice,' he said. 'Come home with me after school and we can have some fun.' I did, and we did. That was how it started for me."
"Thank you. But I'm not sure about myself. I don't build dens in straw stacks, though I do shower."
"But you did have the possibility of a straw stack experience with Raymond, just before Christmas," interrupted Ben.
"I suppose so, I had not thought about it in that way."
"Can I say something?" said Clive. "I am ready to be more definite than Ben. [He's an academic, cautious about things.] I think you are in all probability gay. The evidence is quite strong. Those dreams, where do they come from, if not from a gay sexuality? There is your friendship with Janet, who I guess did not have a face like the back of a bus, and a body like an overgrown whale."
Peter nodded.
"A nice, attractive girl. She wanted you to go further, but you held back. No, I think that almost certainly you are gay. You have two problems. The first is your accepting your gayness to yourself. Especially of expressing it. Your second, and I think your real problem is that religion of yours. You have had years of indoctrination. All sex, in any form, outside marriage is absolutely wrong. It is only just permissible in marriage. Your religion is your difficulty."
"Ben, you had the same religious background as me. How did you cope with it?"
"Quite soon after my affair with Nigel started, I realised that my religion and my sex drive were on a collision course. For a short while it felt like the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. But one had to go. I knew I could not change my sexuality, though some of that was because I enjoyed it, and did not want to. I did not like the strict, kill-joy religion of my home, and of my churchwarden father in particular. Well before Dad's invasion of my room, and the great ejection, I was pulling away from their brand of Christianity in my mind. When I left Whitgest I stopped going to church. I now have a sort of vague theistic belief, but nothing more."
"What about you Clive?"
"I come from a totally non-religious background. Some of my folks are very religious. Fundamentalist, and homophobic, but I never had a great deal to do with them."
"Do your folks know about you?"
"Yes. My Mum is very supportive. She has been here to stay a couple of times. Dad is not so. He won't come up here. But he has talked to Ben the two or three times we have called in on them. I think he is embarrassed by it."
"I don't know how I could ever say anything to anyone in my family," mused Peter.
"Some gay men are out to their families and some are not," said Ben. "Some have found them understanding and supportive, others have been treated much like I have been treated. You would have to decide if, when and what you tell them. You are safe in Nottingham. Nothing is likely to get back to Whitgest. Nobody is going to out you down there. But we are drifting away from the religion issue. I think Clive is right when he says that may well be the main stumbling block."
"I don't know what I can do about it. I know that I will get God's law, and God's judgement if I go to Bruce, the vicar at home. I think the clergy that I have encountered here would be much the same. I don't know of anyone who might be able to help me on the religion issue."
"I have had a thought," said Clive. "I think I know someone, a Church of England parson too. He is a chaplain at Mapperley Park, where I work. I have talked to him several times. He's certainly no fundamentalist. I am out to him. He knows I live with Ben. Seems to accept it. There are gays in the hospital, staff and patients, I have never picked up any bad vibes about him from any of them. Why don't you go and see him?"
"Could you set it up?" asked Ben. "Could you test the waters, say what it would be about? You could find out his attitude and likely reaction, without telling him any personal details like name etc. of Peter."
"Yes, I'm sure I could do that. If it is okay by you, Pete."
"Yes, fine by me. There is nothing to be lost. If he is able to help, great. If he is useless, our paths would not be likely to cross again."
"Well, I will try to set it all up, as soon as possible."
"There is someone else that we ought perhaps to talk about." said Ben. "That is Raymond. Am I right in thinking you like him, apart from any sexual thing?"
Peter nodded.
"Can you tell him much that you have told us? He has a story, and that might be of help to you. If you like him, and are sure you can trust him, then tell him where you stand."
-0---0---0-
- What Raymond had to say.
The next evening Peter went round to see Raymond, who was obviously delighted and relieved to see him, and was still full of apologies for what had happened at the end of the previous term.
"I want to talk to you about that," said Peter.
"Oh! In what way?" said Raymond, rather defensively.
"I think there's a possibility that you may have been right."
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is, you may well have been correct. I think I may be gay. But I'm not certain, and it's all mixed up by my religious beliefs and standards. I suppose I am a crazy mixed up kid, trying to sort myself out."
Peter proceeded to tell his story again. Raymond listened carefully.
"What I want is for you to be a friend and bear with me. You obviously have a sexual story, and I'd like to hear it. It may be a help to me. I suppose I am engaged in a struggle between my sexuality and my integrity as a man, an integrity very wound up with my faith. Yesterday evening I talked it over with a couple of gay friends that I have, and I am hoping to see some hospital chaplain in the next few days, to see whether he can throw any light on the religion issue."
"Who are these gay friends?" enquired Raymond.
"He comes from my home village, and was thrown out of his home because of what he had been getting up to with another chap. I bumped into him by chance last term. The other man lives with him." Peter thought he had said enough, without telling Raymond exactly who it was. "Now tell me your story."
"I suppose I can say that I have been having gay sex in some way or another since I was seven or eight. First it was with a cousin, who lived nearby. It was just a matter of playing with each other. When we got into our teens, with puberty, it was a lot more. One day when I was about sixteen, another lad, about our age, caught us at it in the woods. He joined in. He then introduced us to another group of lads and young men. It was going on all over the place. One particular meeting place was a broken down old barn on the edge of some woods. We would go to the barn through the woods, so no one saw us crossing fields. Some Saturday afternoons there were several of us. Much more fun than football. I don't think a week has gone by since I was twelve when I have not had sex. Does that shock you?"
"I am surprised. I don't know much about these things. I suppose my surprise is that you are a believer, and yet happily seem to see no clash when you do these things."
"I think that as long as I am not abusing or hurting the other person, as long as we both are happy with what we do, it is all right. For one thing, with gay sex you don't get unwanted babies. You don't run that risk at all."
"That's true," laughed Peter. "But what about AIDS?"
"There is such a thing as safer sex, you know. Some activities have a higher risk factor than others."
"Do your parents know?"
"No."
"What do you think their reaction would be if they did know?"
"I just don't know. May be shock. May be they'd just accept. They have fairly liberal views on most matters. They were not unduly perturbed when they found out my brother was having sex with his girl friend. They just told him to take care. Said they did not want grandchildren until he was able to care for any child."
"Wouldn't they feel that what your brother does is natural, but what you do is unnatural?"
"May be. What my brother does is unnatural for me, I find the idea of sex with a girl quite repulsive. I only do what is natural for me."
The friendship with Raymond continued to develop through the early weeks of the term. They met each other regularly. On some days they had lunch together, and afterwards walked round the lake in the University Park. On other days they met in the evening for a drink in one or the other's room. Always they found talking easy. They talked of things. Sometimes they talked about sex, often in response to a question from Peter.
Once Peter caught Raymond giving him a strange look.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Raymond smiled, and was almost embarrassed when he replied. "I am just thinking what a desirable man you are. When you say 'yes' to me, I am going to make sure that your first time is wonderful. No, don't worry, I'll only do what you are perfectly happy with. I won't force you into anything you don't want. But it won't be some hole in the corner, behind the bike sheds, encounter. It'll be great for you, and for me as well."
Peter grinned back. "We'll see. I have not said 'yes' yet."
"But you will. Please make it soon."
Peter gave Raymond a gentle punch, but Raymond took hold of his arm, and reached round and gave Peter a hug. They both ended up laughing. But Peter noted that he enjoyed the hug, and wanted more. After that, whenever they were alone, and said 'goodbye' they would give each other a hug.
-0---0---0-
- What the Chaplain had to say.
It was on the Monday afternoon, a week after his meeting with Ben and Clive, that Clive met Peter outside Rutland Hall. It had all been arranged by the exchange of notes, Ben's written in his small neat hand, and Peter's in an almost illegible scrawl. Peter climbed into Clive's ancient car. Clive almost filled the car. He explained, "I only use this car for work and for shopping. When we go further afield we use Ben's. It is bigger. College lecturers get more than psychiatric nurses."
They had not gone far before Clive started telling Peter what had happened the evening before. "We've had a phone call from the hospital in Hitchen. It was from a nursing officer. Ben's mother is in hospital and asking for him. It's got to be a sort of cloak and dagger visit. When he arrives at the hospital he is to report to someone at reception, who will ring the ward to make sure that Ben's Mum hasn't got any visitors with her. If the coast is clear, only then will Ben be able to go up onto the ward. They will make sure they are not interrupted while he is with her. He has gone down to see her today. He left me to tell the powers that be what has happened, and to cancel his lectures and tutorials. Only one lecture and a couple of tutorials, fortunately. He left at 7.00 this morning. So he may be on his way back by now.
They discussed together the effect that this might have on Ben. They agreed that it may be a very difficult time for him, especially if his mother's condition was very serious.
It only took them about twenty minutes to get to Mapperley Park Hospital. Clive led the way to the chaplain's office, where introductions were made. "I'll be on my ward," said Clive, "give me a ring when you are through."
The chaplain's office was a small room. Being in an old building that had been altered, it was out of all proportion, with a lofty ceiling, with a cornice along two sides, tall windows, and a relatively small floor area. It was furnished with a desk, and a couple of hospital issue easy chairs. Peter sat on one, and the chaplain, whose name was Ron, made cups of coffee before sitting in the other chair. Peter soon began to feel at ease, as they chatted about University life, especially the delights and problems of the first year.
"Well, Peter. Clive has told me a little about why you want to see me. I am not sure I can of much help, but I'll try. Why don't you begin by telling me your story?"
Once again Peter told his story. This time the emphasis was more on his religious background and beliefs. Ron listened carefully, nodding in encouragement at times. He asked one or two questions to get it all clearer in his mind.
"Thanks for telling me all that. I think I now see where you are coming from. Of course, I don't come from that background. My background is more liberal."
Peter smiled.
"No doubt not approved of by your vicar, Bruce. That's his name, isn't it? I have got some friends who are fairly conservative in their theology. You can't be in the dear old Church of England without coming into contact and having to work with guys of that persuasion. So I do know something about how they tick."
Ron paused for a moment. "On the surface their position seems very impressive. This is what the Bible says and that is the end of the argument. Texts in both Old and New Testaments are against what we would now call gay sex, so there can be no discussion."
"Exactly," replied Peter. "If the Bible is to have any authority it is absolutely clear on this matter. Gay sex is absolutely wrong!"
"So are a lot of other things. Contraception, for instance. Increase and multiply is the command, any form of contraception rules out the increasing and multiplying, doesn't it?"
"That's the Roman Catholic position isn't it?"
"Yea, and remember the Roman Church is very conservative, quite fundamentalist in its attitude to the Bible. And what about lending money for interest, called usury in the Bible? Lending money for interest is the whole basis of our capitalist society. I think there are twenty references to usury in the Old Testament, always condemning it. The Roman Church still officially thinks it is wrong, because it is the Bible's teaching. What they have done is just to let their past decrees against it gather cobwebs and fall into disuse."
"I see."
"Then there is remarriage after divorce. Jesus Himself was definitely against that. Rome is still against, but makes exceptions by allowing certain marriages to be declared null and void. Does your church in Hertfordshire admit divorced and remarried people to receive communion?"
"I think so."
"Each church seems to have a pick and mix attitude to the Bible, strict on some matters, softer of others. Holding the exact letter over one issue, and reinterpreting it in one way or another over something else."
"Aren't you in effect saying that the Bible is not to be trusted, and has no authority?"
"No. I am not saying that at all. The Bible is exceedingly important. It is how we regard it, how we treat it, how we interpret it, that matters. There is a different approach that treats the Bible just as seriously. You know, as well as I do, that the Bible is a library of books. They were written over a period of perhaps a thousand years. There were a host of different authors, writing in different literary forms, history, poetry, law etc. Some of the books have been edited, possibly a number of times. You know all that, don't you?"
"Yes. I remember doing something about that in Sunday School years ago, making things like books out of match boxes and classifying them."
Ron laughed. "I think a lot of us did things like that. Actually that simple Sunday School lesson is very important. Unfortunately, some of those who taught that lesson do not realise its full implications. All the parts of the Bible were written in particular situations for particular groups of people. I believe God inspired the writers of the Bible. But I do not believe that they were infallibly inspired, and that there are not mistakes in the Bible. Much in the Bible is irrelevant to life today when taken in a strict literal way."
"What sort of passages are you thinking of?" asked Peter.
"Leviticus with all its ritual regulations for example. You have to do a lot of rather doubtful spiritualisation to get anything possibly relevant for the Christian today. Same with parts of Joshua. That seems to advocate ethnic cleansing, unless you spiritualise it. It certainly meant ethnic cleansing for the Jews. So I could go on. When we study the Bible we need to do so with reverence and with care. It tells us a lot, especially about Jesus. But God gave us minds and He expects us to use them."
"But where does the gay issue stand in all this. There are these seven texts from Genesis to Jude that speak condemning gay sex."
"Some of them are easy to deal with. What happened at Sodom in Genesis 19, is more to do with gang rape, than gay sex.."
"But what about the more difficult ones?" asked Peter. "For example Leviticus 18, verse 22, about a man lying with a man being an abomination. Or Romans 1, verse 27, about men giving up their natural relations with women and being consumed with passion for men."
"I think we need to look at the background of all texts. The Leviticus one, and others like it, were written in a society where the worship of the heathen idols often had sex associated with it, sometimes gay sex. In the New Testament, like the Romans passage, it was sex between mature men and young boys. I think when you begin to see such backgrounds, you begin to see why it was condemned. But at the end of the day there are only seven texts that refer to gay sex, that's not many is it? And there are none in the Gospels."
"I can see what you are saying, but the texts are still there."
"There is a further way of looking at it all. In ancient times, and still in part today, homosexuality was seen as a deliberate choice. A man chose to be homosexual. Did your friend Ben choose to be gay? Did Clive choose to be gay? You think you may be gay; did you choose that?"
"No way! I think Ben and Clive would say they were made that way."
"Exactly. I have yet to find a man who deliberately and willfully chose to be gay. I find a lot of gay men I speak to wish they were not. Life would be a lot easier for them. A lot knew they were gay from quite an early age. Have you heard many gay men's stories?"
"Only three. Yes, Ben knew when he was quite young."
"The approach to homosexuality is changing. Everyone used to see it simply as a sin. Then it was seen as an illness, something that could be cured. Some saw it, even today still see it, as something defective in the make-up of the person involved. Others today see it as something that occurs naturally, like left-handedness, or blue eyes."
Ron and Peter continued to talk over the issues involved. Eventually Ron phoned Clive's ward.
As they waited, Ron said to Peter, "Don't let your religion distort your sexuality, and don't let your sexuality destroy your faith."
Peter thought about that for a few moments. "You have given me a lot to think about, not least what you have just said. I presume your use of the words religion' and faith' are significant?"
Ron grinned and nodded.