This is a story that involves a little sex between males. If such a story is offensive, or illegal for you to read where you live, then do not continue, go and surf elsewhere.
This is a work of fiction and in no way draws on the lives of any specific person or persons. If there is any similarity to any real persons or events it is entirely coincidental.
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My thanks to Brian who has read this through and made a number of corrections and suggestions. Any remaining errors, grammatical, spelling historical or whatever are entirely my fault.
Thank you to those who have commented on my stories. If you want to comment on the story then do contact me on jeffyrks@hotmail.com. but please, after May 5th, 2010 as I am away until then. I aim to reply to all messages eventually.
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Peter Broad's Story
1
On the Wall
Peter Broad sat on the wall outside his home. His legs still did not reach down to the pavement, in spite of being reckoned tall for his seven years. During that summer, he often sat there for an hour in the late afternoon, watching the comings and goings along the village street.
He watched as the aged Miss Tooley made her way slowly and painfully home from the shops, dressed, as always, in a long thick overcoat. He noted a couple of men from the next village cycling pastafter a day fishing. Once when he saw another boy whom he dislikedapproaching, he slipped off the wall, and climbed up a tree and peered through the leaves as the other lad walked along below. He always played a game, counting the cars that went in each direction, putting small stones on the wall each side of himself to make sure he kept accurate count. He was puzzled why every afternoon there were always more cars going up the street than down.
Then he saw Ben coming. He always liked it when Ben Menzies came by, because Ben always stopped and talked. Not small boy chat, but grown up chat, answering questions and explaining things. Ben lived a few doors down the street. His father had his own business, and was a self made man. He was also church warden of the parish church. Ben was the eldest of three boys, and was now approaching eighteen. Luke, the youngest of Ben's brothers was a close friend of Peter's brother, Andrew;and that accounted for the close relationship between the two families.
As always Ben came and sat on the wall alongside Peter. They talked about the events of the day, and then Peter asked Ben, "Why is it, that every afternoon more cars go up the street than come down?"
Ben thought for a moment. "I expect it is because, at this time of day, more people are coming home, from Stevenage, Cambridge, or Hitchin. You ought to keep count in the early morning when people are going to work; then I think you would find more cars going in the other direction."
The answer satisfied young Peter. Ben stood up, ruffled Peter's hair affectionately,and carried on home.
Several days later Peter was on the wall. Miss Tooley, as usual, made her arthritic way home; but Ben never came. He had not come along the street the day before. Peter was very disappointed. At 5.00pm his stomach began to feel in need of feeding, so he made his way in doors.
When he opened the kitchen door the buzz of conversation betweenhis mother, his brother, and his seventeen year old sister stopped dead. Young though he was, Peter could sense that he had interrupted an interesting conversation. He looked around, saw that he would not be told; so asked if tea was ready.
Later that evening he was sent upstairs to have a bath. After about ten minutes his mother came up, to make sure that soap had been applied, and that Peter dried himself properly. This was a special time for the two of them; often the only time when they were alone, and were not busy. It was a time when they could talk.
"Ben often talks to you when you are sitting on the wall, doesn't he?" asked his mother.
"Yes."
"What do you talk about?"
"Oh, all sorts of things. He is good at explaining things.The other day, he told me why more cars go up the street in the late afternoon, than go down."
"You like Ben don't you?. . . Does he ever touch you at all?"
"He sometimes ruffles my hair, if that's what you mean."
"Never more than that?"
"No, why?"
"I was just asking. Now get out of that bath." She handed Peter the towel. Later when he was in bed, his mother looked in to saygood night. "Ben has had to go away from home; so I don't think you will be seeing him for some time. His mummy and daddy are rather upset, so don't ask them about Ben, there's a good boy.Now come on, its high time you were asleep."
Peter was puzzled. So the next day he tried to find out something from his brother, Andrew.
"Is Ben missing, or is he just on holiday?" he asked.
"That dirty sod has really let his family down!" was all that he got in reply.
The disgust, hostility, and the use of the word 'sod', a prohibited word in the Broad household, was sufficient to show Peter that he was on dangerous ground. Again, Peter was not given a chance to ask questions. Over the next few days when ever he tried to ask where Ben had gone, the conversation was moved on. He had not yet acquired the persistence, or subtlety, that comes with years in finding out some thing you suspect that others do not wish you to know.
Life moves on for a seven year old. It was only occasionally that he thought of Ben and wondered what had happened to him.
-0---0---0- 2. On the bus
When Peter was eleven, he started going to a school in Hitchin, a few miles away. It involved a journey by bus. One day, in the middle of the first term, he was sitting in the bus on a seat by himself. There were a couple of older school boys sitting in the seat behind. They had been talking and giggling, and he could not help hearing snatches of their conversation.
"Oh, there's that ponce Nigel Tooley".
"I didn't know he was gay".
"Yes, he.............with Ben Menzies." This was followed by giggling laughter.
It was laterthat evening that Peter got an opportunity to speak to his mother. He asked her. "Mum, what does it mean if someone is gay?"
"How do you mean, dear?"
"Today, I heard that some one was gay, and I wondered what it meant."
His mother took a deep breath, and paused for a moment. "Most boys when they are grown up fall in love with a girl. They want to kiss and cuddle a girl. Then there is usually a special girl, and they marry and make babies together, in the way that I have told you. There are however a very, very few abnormal men, who don't want to kiss and cuddle with a girl, but with other men."
"But Dad gives me kisses and cuddles me, even sometimesAndrew used to give me a cuddle."
"That is different. That is in the family. Dad probably won't do it when you're much older. You won't want him to. A man who's gay wants to do it with some one outside the family, and when they are grown up. It is not normal. In fact it is very wrong. The Bible says that it is wrong."
"Do you know any body who is gay, Mum?"
"No, dear. There're very very few men like that. Haven't you got some homework you ought to be doing?"
Peter's mother thought she had dealt with that one rather well. She had told the truth as she saw it, and got in some ethical instruction as well. Peter too, was pleased with the way that he had asked the question. He had found out something, and had not mentioned the name of Ben Menzies. But he was still rather mystified. If Nigel Tooley and Ben Menzies had been kissing and cuddling, what was really wrong with that?
-0---0---0- 3. Religion
Peter's father, David, was a solicitor. He had been brought up in south London. His whole family had been very committed to one of the Bible Belt Churches that circle London. He had read law at Cambridge. When he graduated an uncle offered to article him in his firm. He then moved to Hitchin. He served his articles, and then worked as fully qualified solicitor with his uncle. He was in his early thirties when he married Anne. The three children had followed at two year intervals. David's uncle, who was a bachelor, died in 1980 leaving everything to his nephew. David and Anne Broad unexpectedly found themselves well off. The sale of two houses enabled David and Anne Broad to buy a very comfortable large house in Whitgest, a village some six miles from Hitchin. Peter, their last child, had been born a year later. David Broad was a well educated man, he delighted in the intricacies and idiocyncrasies of the law, but whenever he entered a church or sat before an open bible his mental processes were switched to an uncritical acceptance mode.
Anne Broad came from an even stricter background. Her parents were members of the Christian Brethren. They had prayed through theyears that Anne would marry a fine Christian man. God answered their prayers, but with the usual divine sense of humour. They had failed to specify the brand, so God had provided an Anglican, and not a member of the Brethren. There was some initial suspicion, which was soon overcome. To their fellow members of the Brethren they described their son in law, as `Anglican but saved'.
Mary Broad was a typical first child, with some of the insecurities of the prototype. Andrew had posed the most problems in his childhood,never doing well at school, frequently getting into scraps with other boys in the village,and in his teens a perpetual anxiety to his parents because of his girl friends. In later years Anne Broad frequently said, "Peter never caused me a moments worry until ......."
When Peter was fourteen and a half he was confirmed. This involved a series of weekly preparation classes. These were run by Bruce Perkins, the vicar, and held in his study in the vicarage. The vicar was a man in his mid thirties, who had just arrived in the parish. There were ten youngsters to be confirmed that year.
Bruce Perkins was conservative in his theology;and Protestant in his beliefs. In the classes he taught the basic truths of the Christian faith in a straight forward and clear way. Jesus was born in Bethlehem, his mother was a virgin before his birth. Jesus did all miracles attributed to Him in the Gospels. He died on the cross to deal with his people's sins. He rose from the dead on the first Easter Day. The tomb really was empty.
Christian practice was clearly taught. How to pray. How to read the Bible. Worship on Sundays. The meaning and importance of the two Dominical sacraments, Baptism and Holy Communion.
When it came to ethics, the teaching was strictly orthodox, and rather narrow. Certain things were somewhat suspect - drinking in a pub, going to clubs, and in some circumstance the cinema and the theatre. Gambling was definitely prohibited. Drugs were totally forbidden, and were seen as a terrible danger. When it came to sexual ethics the teaching was brief and to the point. The sexual act was totally prohibited, except between a married man and his wife.
In due course, Peter was confirmed in the parish church by the bishop. The bishop wore convocation robes at the request of the vicar, who regarded copes and mitresas forbidden Popish garments. Peter had found the whole process of the classes helpful and instructive. He was like his father, he believed what he was taught. He tried to fulfill the Christian observances, and to conform to the ethical standards.
When he was slightly older he joined a village youth club organised and run by a married couple,James and Carol Spencer.Though it was a secular youth club, and not a church one, James and Carol were committed Church people. They used to hold occasional discussion groups in their house, to which some of the Youth Club used to go. Here the discussions were freer, less authoritarian.Bruce, the vicar, also held occasional follow up meetings for youngsters who had been confirmed. Through those meetings and his continuing involvement with the church on Sundays, the details of Peter's beliefs and knowledge of what was right and what was wrong was extended and strengthened. Later he came to learn that masturbation, though not explicitly prohibited in the Bible, was still very dangerous,because imagination and fantasy were involved. He knew the teaching in the Sermon on the Mount about the danger of looking at a woman and lusting after her. As for sex between two men, that was emphatically condemned by seven references to it in the Old and New Testaments.
As Peter went through his teens, he continued to accept what he had been taught, butPeter's religion was more than just believing certain facts, and obeying certain instructions. His heart, as well as his mind and will, was involved.He knew what it was to experience the presence of God. There were times when he had known prayers to be answered. Twice there had been occasions when his heart was strangely warmed,and he sensed the comforting presence of Jesus Christ. Peter believed that he was loved by God, and he loved his Lord in return. He assented positively to the formula of knowing Jesus as Saviour and Friend.
He was in a good relationship with the vicar, Bruce Perkins. As one of Bruce's first confirmees, and one who asked some intelligent questions,he held a special position withBruce. They could talk together quite freely as a teenager with his vicar. Bruce encouraged him to call in at the vicarage from time to time. He was always prepared to give Peter time. Peter was open with him, and shared his spiritual experiences as well as his problems. Bruce regarded his as a very promising youngster, and as a possible future clergyman.
-0---0---0- 4. Janet and some dreams.
Peter enjoyed his school days. One thing he soon learnt was that being gay usually involved considerably more than kissing and cuddling, but that was not a part of his formal education. He did well at his lessons.He was not a football enthusiast, and was pleased when higher up the school he was able to concentrate on cross country running during the winter months. His great sporting enthusiasm was for cricket. His father had been a committed club cricketer, but by the time Peter was old enough to take an interest David Broad's playing days were over. He did however linger when walking past the ground when the village team was playing, and he took the opportunity to explain the intricacies of the game to his sons, almost before they could understand. Also there were knock arounds with a ball and bat on the large lawn at the back of the house. When they were old enough he would take Peter and Andrew to watch a day's play at the Lords or Oval tests. So during the summer at school Peter played as much cricket as possible, and was in the various school teams.
The bus that took the older children to school started off from Bunting, and then picked up further passengers in Peter's village, before making its way to Hitchin. Janet lived in Bunting, and was in the same year as Peter. In the early years at school there was only a nodding acquaintance between them; but mutual rivalry at the top of the class, plus the shared journey twice a day, brought them closer together over the years.
As the amount of homework grew, they started doing it together on the bus. Their rivalry did not exclude help and assistance over routine work. Their friendly rivalry was only expressed over marks, tests, but particularly in exams. As the exam marks in each subject came out, each would calculate who was winning in the 'top of the class' stakes. There were no other serious contenders.
When it came to the first round of public exams,rivalries were set aside. After Peter had shared his results with his mother, and phoned them to his father at work, he rang Janet. Their results were very comparable,and they rejoiced in each other's success.
When it came to working for A levels there was only one subject they shared - economics. There was a great deal of mutual support and encouragement. Peter was especially helpful when it was soon clear that one of Janet's subjects was not well chosen. A change needed to be made, with all the catching up that entailed over the Christmas holiday, and into the winter term. They both showed an intelligent interest in each other's subjects. They talked at length about everything under the sun, and beyond;astronomy was one of Peter's side interests.
The relationship, which had been purely to do with school, began to bea social one as well. They went to parties together. They star gazed together, through an inexpensive telescope Peter had been given for his O level results. They were good friends, they were close friends. Their school contemporaries saw them as a couple.
In the 6th Form there were many couples. Some changed frequently;some like Peter and Janet's seemed a permanent part of the scene. There was, however, a difference between their relationship and most of the others in the 6th Form. Some of the boys talked of how far they could go, or had gone. Allowing for exaggeration and male boasting, some had gone through all the stages from undoing bra straps, fondling boobs, to the jackpot of going the whole way. Others remained silent. Peter was silent. Silent, not just out of loyalty to Janet. Silent, because there was nothing to tell. He did not want to go down that path. Janet was a friend who was a girl, and nothing more. He reasoned that he did not want to go down that path because of his church background, and his family's ideals and teaching. But that reason did not fully satisfy because part of him also argued that he should be wanting to, even if he did not do it.
There was a deeper source of unease in Peter. Twice or three times a year since he was fourteen he had had vivid sexual dreams;he had awakened with an iron hard erection, always just before themoment of consummation and release. The trouble was that the other person in these dreams was never female, always male. Always it was someone he knew,but not necessarily someone he liked. Once it had involved someone he greatly disliked. He felt frustrated at the lack of consummation,though with his background it somehow slightly eased his sense of shame and guilt. His hand relieved his hardened cock, but his fantasy was with the person in the dream. It all served, over the years, to feed a growing feeling of guilt and shame. "Anyone looking... lusting after... commits adultery" must apply when it is a man, as much as when it is for a woman. Each dream tended to haunt him for a week or ten days afterwards. Most of these dreams he could remember in some detail when he thought about them. They made him feel that there was something wrong with himself. He felt vile, dirty and guilty.
He was far too ashamed to talk it over with anyone. He could not speak to any school friend, certainly not to Janet, who was his closest friend. No way could he talk about itto either of his parents. He even felt it was not the sort of thing he could talk over with Bruce Perkins, the vicar. The very thought of that made him cringe. It was just something he had to bear himself. He had to work out his own salvation, whatever that might be.
-0---0---0- 5. The Last of the School Holidays
The final school holidays arrived. Janet and Peter continued to see each other. They listened to music. They argued. They went swimming. They cycled. They went to the cinema.
One evening Peter had expected to run Janet home in his father's car, but the car was not available. He walked the two and a half miles with Janet. At an early part of the walk, he took hold of her hand. They turned to each other and grinned. She walked a little closer.
After that they usually walked hand in hand. It was reported back to Peter's mother. She was glad, and heard distant wedding bells and the patter of tiny feet.
But it went no further. Janet hoped. Her hopes were raised no further.
So it came to the last evening of the holidays. The next day Janet was off to Bristol to read history and two days later Peter was set for Nottingham, to read economics. Janet had cycled over to Whitgest, and Peter on his bicycle was going to see her home.
It was a warm moonlit evening. The harvest moon filled the countryside with silver light. At the top of the hill they stopped. Both were moved by the sheer beauty of the scene.
Janet broke the silence. "Pete, are you looking forward to University?"
"Yea, very much."
"What do you hope to get out of it?"
"A good degree," came the quick answer, followed by a short silence. "I hope to have a good time. Make friends. Have some new experiences. Do some different things.What about you?"
"Much the same. I suppose, like many girls, I wonder if I will meet the man of my life, the man I will eventually marry." She now paused, but before Peter could put in a flippant comment or start a discussion, she added, "What do you feel about that?"
"All right! I suppose you may. Many do."
"You won't be upset if I write, and tell you I have met the man of my dreams."
"No, I don't think so. As long as he is not jealous and we can still be friends."
"That's what it is, isn't it? We're friends. Good friends. But just friends."
"Yea. Why?"
"You don't think of me as anything more, do you? We get on well together - very well. We like each other, like each other very much. But I don't think you love me".
Peter then made a typical male response. "I love you in the Biblical, agape, sense; ...but any other way, I am not sure."
"Pete, do you mind,I want to say something that may shock or hurt you?"
"No. Go ahead", he said, with a laugh.
"Peter, I sometimes feel that you may be gay!"
"What!" he responded loudly. "How can you say that! What evidence have you for such a preposterous and horrible idea?"
"I have no definite evidence, just put it down to feminine intuition."
"You and your feminine intuition. You should not say such things, it's a libel".
"Come off it! You, as a solicitor's son, should know it is not a libel because it is not written down;and its not a slander, because no third person heard what I said. I do have some evidence for my suspicions. You hold my hand yes,but there is no affection in it. You don't want to hold me. Hug me. You don't even seem to want to kiss me."
"Yes, but.."
"And don't give me some pious Christian response about what is right and what is wrong, and being careful. You don't want to. Full stop. Surely most normal boys want to, even if they think that they have got to be careful."
"Yes, but to say that I'm gay!"
"I said that you might be. I didn't say that you were."
"I think the whole idea is revolting. I am shocked that you could think that about me. When we have seen a lot of each other these last three months."
"We'll see."
"Yes, we'll see; and I know the answer now."
"Peter, I am sorry what I've said has hurt you. But think about what I've said. Thank you for everything. Whoever, or whatever you are, you have been, and I hope will always be a good friend. Don't bother to see me any further home. It's down hill all the way now. Have a good term." With that, Janet pushed away on her bicycle and sped down the hill, her red rear light disappearing round a bend in the road.
Peter stood there. He was shocked and hurt. He was surprised at his reaction. He could not just dismiss Janet's words. The image from one of his dreams floated across his mind. What did they signify?
-0---0---0- 6. Starting at University
Such worries were largely put on one side during the next few days as he prepared and packed for university. At the end of August his father had taken him into his study,where he often worked when he wanted to be uninterrupted.
"I want to talk to you about one or two things, before you go up to Nottingham.Now, for one thing I don't want you getting into debt. I don't want you finishing University with a ten or twenty thousand pound debt hanging round your neck.I propose to give you a sum each term, which should be more than enough to keep you solvent. If you want some more, you must ask me;but I warn you I may then ask for some account of your expenditure, and why you need the extra. I hope you will try to find a job during the long vac."
"Thanks Dad. Only yesterday I was reading up about student loans and all the rules and regulations about repayment and so on. That's quite a weight off my mind."
"There is something else," added his father. "You did well in your last lot of exams, and your Mum and I would like to give you something for that. I wonder if you would like to buy yourself a new computer. The one you have got is old and limited in what it can do. Get one that will give you access to the internet. We trust you not to look up the nasty sites, and it may be useful for your work. If you have internet access, then you can Email us, and we can then contact you, so we might even hear from you. I know you would never write us a letter if you could help it."
Peter's face broke into a broad grin of pleasure. He managed to mutter, "Thanks Dad,I really appreciate that".
"Go into Hitchin or where ever you think best, and find out what sort you want, and and how much it will be. Then come back and we will talk further. Remember you will be taking it to University, which implies some risks;so I don't recommend you go for a very expensive one."
A new computer was bought. Various goodbyes were made. Peter had a talk with Bruce Perkins,who warned him of the perils of University life, both moral and intellectual. He also told him that he had passed on his name to the Christian Union. Eventually Peter found himself at Nottingham University.
Then there was the excitement of a new situation, new friends, the claims of the various societies. He joined the Christian Union. As his name had been sent up by Bruce, he was expected. He joined the hockey club, the debating society and the jazz club. University life seemed good,and things like exams seemed an eternity away in the distant future.
The Economics Department consisted of slightly more men than women. In those early weeks Peter made an effort to mix with those in his year. He was especially friendly towards the girls. He got on well with them. He talked and laughed easily with them. They felt easy and relaxed with him. But there was no one girl with whom he wanted to be especially friendly. In those first few weeks there tended to be a rather nebulous group that did things together. Some one would say that there was a good film on in town,so a number of them would agree to meet at 'Oscar', the right hand lion outside the Council House in the so called `Slab Square'.
It was late November when he received a letter from Janet. It was full of Bristol news,and included the information that she was seeing a lot of a history student called Mike.
He replied, slightly guiltily, because she had written first. He wrote at the end of his newsy letter,"I'm glad you have met Mike and are enjoying his company. I have thought a lot" [which was not true] "about what you said on our final evening together, I think you are absolutely wrong."
Two things were to happen over the next two weeks that was to change all that.
-0---0--0- 7. Ben Menzies!
The first thing happened the next day. Peter was hurrying to a lecture, when rounding a corner, he crashed into someone travelling at equal speed in the opposite direction.The other person was carrying an armful of books and papers. These were scattered everywhere. Peterautomatically bent down to help pick them up. He was full of apologies, especially as he realised that the other person must be a lecturer.
When everything was collected, Peter stood up to hand over the books and papers he had picked up to their owner. When he looked at the other person in the face, his mouth opened in surprise. "Ben! Ben Menzies!"
"Yes. Should I know you? I thought I knew all my first year students by now."
"I'm not one of your first year students. I am Peter Broad from Whitgest."
"Peter Broad. Yes, I remember. Didn't you used to sit on the wall outside your home counting cars? You've changed. But that must be all of twelve years ago." He looked at his watch. "I've got a lecture to give in two minutes." He tried to put a hand in his pocket, but his arms were too full.
"Here, hold these a moment." Hands free, Ben extracted a card from a pocket and handed it over to Peter. "That has my address and telephone number on it. Ring me up, and we'll fix to meet. A pub lunch or something." He took back the books Peter was holding. As he moved away he turned round. "I'm in all this evening."
For a moment Peter stood and stared after him. Surprise was still on his face. In some ways Ben had changed a great deal, in other ways hardly at all. Then he realised what it was. When he was a small boy he had always looked up to Ben, as a big eighteen year old. Now he looked down on Ben. Ben was still 5ft 6in;Peter was just over 6ft. During the following rather dull lecture on the history of banking, his mind went back to that summer long ago. Ben's sudden disappearance. His mother's words. His brother's hostile reaction, when he tried to find out something more. The linking of Ben with Nigel Tooley as gay. Perhaps now he would find out the truth.
Later that day he looked in the University handbook, and found the name of Dr Benjamin Menzies, M.A., D.Litt., D.Phil. Lecturer in the English Department. As he knew someone reading English he asked about Dr Menzies. "Oh, yes. He lectures us twice a week. He is making a name for himself as an authority on Chaucer. His D.Phil. thesis was on the grammatical influences in the writings of Chaucer. It is all very technical. He has published a more readable book on Chaucer and has another coming out soon. He lectures on Middle English Grammar and on Chaucer himself. He is very bright, and a good lecturer. Often quite humorous, even on the grammar. Do you know him then?"
That evening Peter phoned Ben. "I've had a better idea than a pub lunch," said Ben. "Why don't you come round here for an evening meal,and you can then fill me in on twelve years of Whitgest news and gossip."
The diary game was played. They fixed for a week later.
"That'll be good," said Ben, "My partner will be working until late that evening."
-0---0---0-
- Meal with Ben.
Peter duly presented himself, armed with a bottle of wine, at a small terrace house in Beeston. Ben let him in. The front room was furnished with a sofa and a couple of easy chairs.
Ben made Peter stand in the middle of the room. "Let's have a proper look at you. Your hair's a lot darker, which is to be expected. You were very blond. Your eyes are the same. It is strange, if somebody had asked me before we met, what does Peter Broad look like? I'd have said he was about so high. We never allow for people we don't see for a long time to get any older."
Drinks were offered and accepted. Talk was mainly about University matters. Ben disappeared to do the final touches to the meal. Peter browsed round the room. Soon they were eating at atable in the middle room.
Ben broached the subject. "I suppose you know why I left Whitgest so suddenly twelve years ago?"
"I think so. I had to piece together items of gossip over the years, but I'm still not sure whether Iam making four or five out of two plus two."
Ben laughed. "I'll tell you what happened and we'll see whether the gossip was true or not. I'm gay. I have known it since I was quite young, though we didn't use the word in those days. In my early teens, I started seeing a lot of Nigel Tooley. Do you know him?"
"Not to talk to."
"Is he still in the village?"
"Yes. Still living in the same house up the hill."
"I hope my story doesn't shock you. Over the years the relationship with Nigel progressed sexually. We used to see each other twice, sometimes three times a week. On that fatal Tuesday afternoon,the third of August, my place was clear. Mum had a church meeting until after 4.30, the brothers were away,and Dad was always at work until 6.00 at the earliest. At least he usually was,but that day he called in at home at 3.00 and caught us at it. In flagrante delecto. Does that shock you? Do you want me to stop?"
"No, no. Carry on."
"My Dad has a temper, as you possibly may know. He was very strict with us boys. He strictly follows Bible teaching. I had seen him angry many times before,but this time it was different. It was a cold calculating anger. As he stood in the doorway, from where he had seen us, he just said, 'Nigel, you will leave this house immediately. Benjamin, I want to see you downstairs, respectably dressed in ten minutes'. With that he left the room. Poor old Nigel was pulling on his pants and trousers while Dad was speaking,and more or less followed Dad down stairs. I knew I was for it.When I came to the dining room, Dad was seated at the table with a few papers in front of him. 'I have given some thought over what has happened. What you have done is despicable. You have disobeyed God's Word. You have dishonoured your mother, and disgraced your family. I would not have believed that my eldest son was a pansy who allowed himself to be buggered by the likes of Nigel Tooley. But since I have seen that you are,that is the end so far as I am concerned. I want you out of this house within twenty-four hours. You're not to speak to your brothers. I don't want them to run any further risk of contamination. You're to stay in your own room. Whether you go up to University or not is up to you. You will have to live on your grant. You will get no help from me. I will give you some money, so you don't immediately starve. But that is the last you will ever get from me."
"And that was that," continued Ben. "Mum came home, and wept a lot, and fixed me up to stay with an old school friend of hers in Walthamstow. She also slipped me some money, probably the week's housekeeping. I went and stayed with this friend of Mum'sfor a fortnight. She knew I was in the doghouse, but not what for. I found a job, and then found a room,and moved out to be on my own. Does all that shock you? Is that what you had heard?"
Peter told Ben how he had pieced together a lot of the story over the years;and then asked, "And, of course, you did go to University?"
"Yes, I went up to Cambridge, Queens' College, and got a double first. I worked hard, I think almost to spite my father. I was then offered a place at Oxford to do a D.Phil. under one of the finest Mediaeval English scholars. In my last year at Oxford I met Clive, my partner. We met in a pub. We saw a lot of each other, but then I got a two year scholarship in the States. We both thought that would be the end of our relationship. We corresponded freely and frankly, and to the surprise of us both, frequently. We found we missed each other. When I was due to come back from the States, I needed somewhere to stay for the two and a half months before coming up to start this job in Nottingham. Clive suggested I stay with him. I knew the size of his place in Oxford and thought that his suggestion was a recipe for disaster. I thought it might suit, at the most, for a few days while I looked for somewhere for myself. So I accepted, but I stayed. We had two and a half months of climbing over my clobber whenever we wanted to go to the loo, or go to bed, or eat at the table. One night towards the end of my stay, we were in bed together.Clive turned to me and said,'I never thought this would really work, us living together in this tiny place.But these last two months have been great. I think the best time of my life. I would like to make it permanent. Let's buy a house in Nottingham and live together.' The rest is history as they say. We are good for each other. He barely knows the difference between Enid Blyton and T.S.Elliott, so I cannot talk shop. He is a psychiatric nurse, so there is a limit to how much I can understand and help him with his work problems. We both like music - all sorts. He likes football, and I like the theatre. So we have an arrangement; if I take him to the theatre, I have to go to football, and vice versa. Ihave become quite a knowledgeable fan of Forest, and he is even beginning to enjoy the theatre."
"Does all this shock you? I suppose you still go to Church. Unless it has very much changed, I guess St Sebastian's, Whitgest, would be totally opposed to my present lifestyle."
"I am fairly certain it would be," said Peter, with a slight laugh.
"And you? What do you think?"
"I don't know. You are the first gay man to tell me his story. Part of me wants to say that it is wrong, very wrong. What youdid with Nigel Tooley was wrong, and presumably, you do it with Clive. But some how, when I sit here face to face with you... knowing you... hearing what you've been through. And remembering your kindness in talking to a very small boy, and showing an interest all those years ago. You and Clive. I find it much harder to sit in judgement on you,knowing you."
"That's fair enough. Perhaps some other time we can talk more fully about it all. You should hear Clive's story, he's still got a little religion. But now, tell me about Whitgest. I have twelve years to catch up on."
"Don't you know about anything since you left? Haven't you even been in contact with your people?"
"Hardly. I wrote to Mum during my first term at Cambridge. She showed the letter to Dad, and he just tore it up without reading it. Said something about`I have no son called Ben'."
"I can't believe such things happen in the second half of the twentieth century."
"They can, and do, especially when there's a religious bigot like my father involved. I send Mum a Christmas card each year, with a letter containing my news. I know that just before Christmas the post arrives well after Dad has gone to work. She replies briefly. She's afraid of Dad. Believes she must obey him, and writing to me is going against him. The trouble is that she has never really stood up to him. He's a bigoted tyrant at home, and at work. Do you see anything of them?"
"I only see your father in church on a Sunday. I see your Mum from time to time in the village. She has aged a lot. She is completely grey. My Mum has commented on how sad she looks."
"Would you do something for me? If you see her alone, just say that you've met me.And give her my love.Tell me about my brothers. I find it difficult to believe that Matthew must be twenty eight, and Luke must be about twenty four. What are they up to?"
"Matthew, I think lives some where in the Midlands. I am not sure what he does for a living. He got married a few years ago, to a girl from Hitchin. I think they have one or two children."
"Cor! So I'm an uncle! Well, well. It makes me feel very old. And Luke?"
"Luke works in Hitchin. In a bank I believe. He still lives at home. He seems to have a sequence of girl friends, each lasts for a few months. Strangely enough I very rarely speak to him. Matthew, when he is around, says hello. He asked about which University I was going to, just before the start of term. He is the tall one of you three. He is just over six foot, and very much takes after your Dad in appearance. Though he is much taller, of course."
The conversation now became a review of the village affairs as seen according to the interests of the two men.
Just after 10:00pm there was the sound of the front door opening.
"That will be Clive," said Ben.
A few moments later the door opened, and the largest and darkest West Indian Peter had ever seen stood in the door way. Ben and Clive greeted each other, with Clive picking Ben up and giving him a kiss and a hug. Introductions were made.
"So you knew my man, Ben, when he was a teenager," said Clive, with a deep bass voice. "What was he like then?"