Perspectives

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Part 15. So...uh, yeah. That just happened...: Jason's Perspective

"So, what's the deal, John?" I said to him, as he looked at me without yet saying whatever it was that he felt like he needed to reveal to me. "What do you have to be honest with me about?"

After sitting in silence for another few moments, John finally spoke. "It has to do with the real reason that there's been tension between us over the past several months and I've had moments of being not so nice to you."

"So then, the BS excuse you gave me yesterday was a lie?" I said, with a wide-eyed look on my face and a mock-innocent tone of voice as a sarcastic response to him. John already knew I didn't really buy that line he'd fed me last night at the bar downstairs.

He ignored my sarcasm. "I lied to you yesterday because I was ashamed of how I wanted to react and then how I DID act when it was pointed out to me that you're gay and I didn't want you to think less of me."

"Pointed out? I thought you only found out earlier when you caught the concierge leaving here." Only a small handful of people at work had actually heard that I'm gay from my own lips. If someone was going around, talking out of school about my personal life, I sure as hell wanted to know about it.

He looked down at the table momentarily, as if he was summoning the courage to continue talking, then looked back into my eyes. "My wife told me."

"Your wife?!" I wouldn't even need all five fingers on my hand to count the number of times I'd laid eyes on his wife in the seven years that he'd been at Glenmont. And, to my knowledge, she wasn't close with anyone else at the office. How would she know?

"Yeah. About a year after I started at Glenmont, I was telling her about everyone in the office. I mentioned how friendly you were and about those supportive e-mails you'd sent me. She told me you might be gay. Then, after she met you, she confirmed she was right."

Without meaning to, I let out a snort of derision. "What? Is she a hag in her spare time, or something?"

Looking unhappy, he tensed up in his chair. "I know what that term means. That's not a fair thing to say, Jason. Not that it's any of your business, but her father's gay and she has several gay friends. It was just a feeling she had after meeting you that first time she brought my oldest daughter by the office for a visit."

"Okay. Fair enough. But I don't understand why you'd be ashamed. It wasn't until a little over a year ago that you started acting weird toward me."

"I know. That's not the part I'm ashamed of. The next part is. After she told me, I realized from the way you'd been acting toward me that must have a thing for me. I had an overreaction and was intent on sitting down with you and telling you to forget about whatever feelings you might have for me."

John have an overreaction? No...not, John! "I see. That would've been awkward and embarrassing for both of us."

"That's exactly what Laura said to me when she talked me out of doing that."

Even though the conversation was serious and things felt tense between John and I, he let a smile cross his face as he looked at me. I could tell that there was still more to talk about, so I didn't want to put him at ease just yet, in case things took a hostile turn later. "I guess it's a testament to your self-restraint that I never knew until about a year ago that you were feeling ill at ease around me. But, what does a conversation with your wife from five years ago have to do with why you've been acting weird toward me for the past year?"

The smile faded from John's face and he turned serious again. "This is the main part of what I wanted to be honest with you about. After figuring out about your crush, I started to become super-aware of how you'd interact with me when we'd be in a room together. I noticed you flirting with me, teasing me, sneaking glances at my crotch, and other things."

So much for my belief that I was being subtle when trying to see the outline of his flaccid dick in his pants. "John, I'm sorry. The flirting was just harmless, so I'm actually not sorry about that. But the crotch thing, I thought I was being more subtle than I was."

Surprisingly, he laughed. "It's not hard to miss talking to someone and, one minute they're looking at your face, then next you see their eyes divert lower and you can tell they're trying to burn a hole in your pants with their eyes."

All I could do was shrug my shoulders. "What can I say? I'm a red-blooded gay man. But I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"Truthfully, you didn't make me uncomfortable. Like you just said, everything you were doing was harmless. You were overtly coming on to me. I was the reason I was uncomfortable with what you were doing. That and how I began to feel made me feel the need to push you away. Despite the fact that my wife had talked me out of confronting you five years ago, I was too insecure and self-conscious to have a healthy conversation with you. Instead, I started - as you put it earlier - acting like an asshole toward you."

Suddenly, it all made sense. He was trying to drive a wedge between us and keep himself from feeling uncomfortable. But something still didn't make sense. If he realized I was just engaging in some harmless flirting - which he was also dishing back out at me, by the way - why was he feeling uncomfortable in the first place? "What do you mean that how you were feeling caused you to feel like you had to push me away?"

John looked mighty uncomfortable next to me at the table. In fact, I wager that it was taking every fiber of his being not to jump out of his own skin. "You know... Like I just said... I was uncomfortable. That's all."

Yeah right! He wasn't getting off the hook that easily. "Not so fast! You said in addition to feeling uncomfortable, you were feeling something else. What else were you feeling?"

"Man! You don't miss anything, do you?"

"Most of the time, yes. But when it involves a conversation as intense as this one, I'm not about to let anything slip by. I want to resolve things between us. Now out with it! What else was going on in your mind when you started acting strangely toward me last year?"

He shifted in his seat and I could tell by the expression on his face, that he was just as uncomfortable now - if not more so - than he was back when his wife had to calm him down five years ago. "You know. We don't really have to talk about this now. Maybe I should just go. I'm sure you have other things to do."

As he started to get out of the chair, I leaned back, folded my arms and scoffed at him. "Figures..."

He stopped, halfway in a standing position and looked at me. "What do you mean by that?"

"You made this whole speech earlier about having the guts to be as honest with me as I was with you. Except you're reverting to having a typical John reaction. All that's missing is the part where you fly off the handle for no reason at all. Don't you think you owe it to me to tell me what's been going on between us for the past year or so? I'm still in the dark about what's been motivating you to act like you've been acting toward me."

He sat back down in the chair and sighed. "You're right. You do deserve to know. I just don't want it to change things between us and to affect my family when you find out."

Whatever was bouncing around in John's mind must be pretty heavy for him to believe verbalizing it would affect his family somehow. Maybe a little bit of soft touch would help ease the tension. "John, the only way whatever you've got to say to me can hurt your family or change our dynamic is if you don't say it. It's been my experience that, when you keep thoughts to yourself, they have a way coming out in other ways that can be just as damaging or more damaging. It's just you and me here. This is a safe place." I smiled at him, hoping to seem as non-threatening as possible.

"All right. I'll tell you," he sighed heavily and looked resigned to telling me everything that was on his mind. I DID feel bad for the guy...and I hated pressing him like this. But, if this was going where I thought it was going, I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted it all out. He took a deep breath and continued. "There came a time after I realized that you had a thing for me and were flirting with me that I started to realize that I was flirting back without consciously intending to. And then, then fantasies and daydreams started."

"Fantasies?" I'd suspected John might be a little attracted to me too and was scared to admit it to me and himself. But I had no idea what he was feeling ran as deep as veering into fantasies. I had to stop myself from smiling at him, not wanting to let my excitement ruin the mood of the moment and make him too skittish to continue.

"Yeah," he said, looking sheepish...maybe embarrassed. "I started thinking about you and I...us...you know... Doing stuff. I didn't know what it meant, but it freaked me out. I love my family, Jason. I wouldn't hurt my wife and kids for the world. That's when I decided that I needed us to stop flirting. Maybe if we weren't so chummy around the office anymore, the fantasies would stop. It was around that time that we switched over to the using the online audit form. When we had that disagreement, it was the perfect opportunity for me to create some distance between us. That's why I've been acting like I have. I've been desperately trying to keep this...whatever it is, from going any further. Do you understand where I'm coming from?"

"I do." I still had to restrain myself from doing a happy dance around my hotel room. The man I'd been lusting after for the better part of seven years had just admitted that, not only was he actively flirting with me, but that he fantasized about us together. "And I can't tell you how grateful I am for being honest with me about all of this. I know it took a lot for you to say everything you just said. But I do have one question."

"Okay," I'm sure he thought the conversation would stop there and we could just go on about our lives and never talk about this again. But I couldn't let that happen. I wanted to see just how far I could push John...gently, of course.

"Did pushing me away and treating me as badly as you did work?"

"What?"

"I mean, did going through all that trouble of trying to alienate me accomplish what you wanted it to? Did you stop thinking about me and fantasizing about you and I...us...you know... Doing stuff?"

The things he did next told me his answer even before he spoke. First, he leaned back in his chair and gazed at the ceiling, then brought his head forward into the palm of his hands before sitting upright and rubbing both of his hands up and down over his face. After about 30 seconds, he finally turned and looked me in the eyes. I'd never seen a man so on edge and looking like he might burst into tears at any moment. I hated that I'd pushed him to this point. I wanted to go over and put my arm around his shoulders and give him a hug. Okay...and do more than that. But, a supportive hug is what he needed in that moment. Finally, he spoke. "No. It didn't. I still thought about you that way. Still THINK about you that way. And that's why, when Janine told me that she wanted you to accompany me here to Denver, I did everything I could to talk her out of it. Just the idea that we'd be alone together like this scared me. I wasn't sure if I could keep myself from doing something to hurt Laura and the kids. And, it sounds like last night, I was willing to do just that."

Pay dirt! John had just admitted his attraction to me hadn't subsided. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt his family. Being a homewrecker wasn't how I rolled. But a little experimentation wouldn't wreck a home, would it? That's exactly what I intended on convincing John to do. I reached over tentatively, hoping not to spook this already-skittish man who now seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and put my hand on his shoulder. "John, it's okay."

"Is it?" He turned to look at me, his eyes red and looking like water could start rolling out of them at any moment.

"Sure. I mean, I'm not happy that you chose to try and alienate me at work instead of talking things out with me. But, now that everything's out in the open and we both know how the other feels, we can move on." I patted him on the shoulder and then let my hand continue to rest there.

"Maybe YOU can move on. But, how can I? If I'm not careful, I could jeopardize everyone that I love. I have these feelings and urges that I can't get rid of and I don't know what that means...what I might do if the urge becomes so damn strong that I can't resist it."

John definitely seemed like a man at a crossroads. I knew for certain that I was going to help him through this. I wasn't going to do anything to break up his family. But, I knew what he needed to break the fever he was feeling right now. And luckily, what he needed was the same thing I'd been wanting for years. It was a win-win situation! All I had to do was convince him. "John, I think I have a way to calm the turmoil you're feeling right now."

"You do?" He looked at me and sniffled, trying to will back the tears that seemed ready to form. Suddenly, I wondered if I could go through with this. I still wanted him more than anything. I'd wanted him for years, after all. But not like this. Not taking advantage of his vulnerability. "What? Tell me. I'll do anything not to feel like I'm feeling right now."

In that moment, I'm slightly ashamed to say that my dick overruled my heart. "What if you acted on what you're feeling?"

He looked at me, genuinely not understanding what I was proposing. "What?"

"I could help you... I mean, we could... You know..."

As an understanding of what I'd just said began to wash over him, his face contorted from confusion to disbelief. He looked down at my hand on his shoulder, then back up at my face. In a flash, he shook my hand off of him and sprang up from the chair. "No. Absolutely not! Are you crazy?! I just got finished saying I don't want to hurt my family and you suggest doing the one thing that could end my marriage?!"

"John, hear me out for a minute!" I needed him to hear from my own mouth that I wasn't looking to come between him and his family. Unfortunately, he wasn't going to let me have that opportunity.

Appearing to not even have heard what I just said, he continued ranting. "My God! You probably want me to push you down on the bed and have my way with you right there," he gestured to the disheveled bed, still showing signs of my regrettable encounter earlier with the hotel concierge, "where, not more than two hours ago you had random sex with some strange guy! Maybe having random sex with guy after guy is what you do on a regular basis, but that's not who I am. And I'm not going to let you make me something I'm not. You're sick!" With that, he turned and stormed out of the room. This time, I didn't try to stop him. I let him leave, slamming the door behind him.

To say I was shell-shocked is an understatement. I'd seen John freak out before. I think, more than anyone in the office, I'd seen him freak out more than anyone else. But this wasn't a run-of-the-mill freak out because he felt like someone was challenging his authority at work. This was a meltdown. A meltdown for the ages. And, in the process, he'd assassinated my character. Having random sex - as he put it - wasn't my thing. I certainly didn't need a commitment from a guy to have sex with him. But, I was never any good at casual sex without my feelings getting in the way. For him to assume that, just because I'd made a bad decision with the concierge, I was some sort of male slut, was way out of line.

I was angry. I was hurt. But, most of all, I started to wonder if he had a point. From his perspective, I'd just boned some guy a short time ago and now I was ready to get in his pants, too. I'd been so blinded by lust that I looked past how hurt and confused John was. I wasn't all of the things he'd just said about me. But, I didn't handle him with the care that I should have. It was probably for the best that he'd left. We both obviously needed some time alone. And now, just when I thought John and I had reached a better place in our relationship, it was probably damaged beyond repair. In fact, I was pretty certain that, once we got back home, I'd need to start searching for a new job.

Part 16. It's The End Of The World As I Know It. And I Don't Feel Fine: John's Perspective

Here we were...sitting silently across from each other in Jason's hotel room. I was out the door. Literally all I had to do was let it swing shut behind me and I was fairly certain I would've been done with all of this. But something inside me wouldn't let it end. Decency, honor, doing the noble thing? Maybe even some sort of perverse need to see how far to the edge I could push things. How far could I go until the urge to rip Jason's clothes off and fuck him - to let him do the same to me - was almost too strong to resist.

Whatever the reason, I was looking into his eyes again. This time, he was waiting on me to speak. I was about to reveal a truth to him that was probably more dangerous to my family and my happy life with them than anything else I'd done so far. Was I an idiot for doing what I was about to do? Absolutely! But I felt compelled to tell him nonetheless.

Whatever Jason was thinking - what that was, I couldn't tell - it manifested itself in impatience. Before I could say anything, he spoke. "So, what's the deal, John? What do you have to be honest with me about?"

"It has to do with the real reason that there's been tension between us over the past several months and I've had moments of being not so nice to you."

"So then, the BS excuse you gave me yesterday was a lie?" The expression on Jason's face as he said what he said told me that he was mocking me in a playfully sarcastic way. I guess I deserved that...

I wasn't going to let his attempt to diffuse the situation - or even bust my balls a little bit - stop me. "I lied to you yesterday down at the hotel bar. And that's because I was ashamed of how I wanted to react and then how I DID act when it was pointed out to me that you're gay. I didn't want you to think less of me."

Jason's eyes widened and his posture stiffened. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably. It was obvious that I'd just thrown the guy for a loop. "Pointed out? I thought you only found out earlier when you caught the concierge leaving here."

I knew instantly that there was a pretty good chance that this wasn't going to go well. I hated to throw Laura under the bus like this. But she WAS the one who had brought Jason's sexuality to my attention. "My wife told me."

"Your wife?!"

"Yeah. About a year after I started at Glenmont, I was telling her about everyone in the office. I mentioned how friendly you were and about those supportive e-mails you'd sent me. She told me you might be gay. Then, after she met you, she confirmed she was right." I hate to admit it, but this conversation made me feel good. So often at work, I'm left feeling like a fool or made fun of. And, after how much Jason had made me squirm earlier, I got a little pleasure out of returning the favor. Like I said earlier, I can be kind of an ass, I know...

The next thing I knew, Jason was leaning back in his chair with his arms folded. He even snorted at me. "What? Is she a hag in her spare time, or something?"

Laura and I don't have the most perfect marriage. And sure... I did resent her sometimes. But I wasn't about to let someone insult her...not even someone who's personal life was under a microscope right now. "I know what that term means. That's not a fair thing to say, Jason. Not that it's any of your business, but her father's gay and she has several gay friends. It was just a feeling she had after meeting you that first time she brought my oldest daughter by the office for a visit." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself from saying them. That business about my father-in-law... I didn't mean to tell Jason. My personal life was my business...not his. My temper got the best of me.

Briefly, neither of us said anything. It was probably just as well. Things had taken a hostile turn...not something I'd meant to happen. I took another brief pause to give time for cooler heads to prevail before I continued talking. "After she told me, I realized from the way you'd been acting toward me that you must have a thing for me. I had an overreaction and was intent on sitting down with you and telling you to forget about whatever feelings you might have for me."

"I see. That would've been awkward and embarrassing for both of us."

"That's exactly what Laura said to me when she talked me out of doing that." I smiled at Jason, hoping to diffuse any residual hostility that might've been left over from a moment ago.

Jason didn't return my smile, keeping a neutral expression on his face. Boy was he a tough nut to crack! "I guess it's a testament to your self-restraint that I never knew until about a year ago that you were feeling ill at ease around me. But, what does a conversation with your wife from five years ago have to do with why you've been acting weird toward me for the past year?"

And THAT was the $250,000 question... With that one question, he'd beaten me to the punch of what I truly needed to unburden myself of. Here goes nothing... "This is the main part of what I wanted to be honest with you about. After figuring out about your crush, I started to become super-aware of how you'd interact with me when we'd be in a room together. I noticed you flirting with me, teasing me, sneaking glances at my crotch, and other things."

His face started to turn several shades of crimson and for the first time, I actually noticed Jason look embarrassed. "John, I'm sorry. The flirting was just harmless, so I'm actually not sorry about that. But the crotch thing, I thought I was being more subtle than I was."

I couldn't help but laugh. "It's not hard to miss talking to someone and, one minute they're looking at your face, then next you see their eyes divert lower and you can tell they're trying to burn a hole in your pants with their eyes."

What happened next actually made some of the tension in the room melt away. Jason looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm a red-blooded gay man. But I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

For just a brief moment, at least, we seemed like two regular guys shooting the shit. Not a guy who had a huge crush on his boss and another guy who was trying to walk the thin line between protecting his marriage and giving in to the sexual desire that had been building in him for more than a couple years.

"Truthfully, you didn't make me uncomfortable. Like you just said, everything you were doing was harmless. You weren't overtly coming on to me. I was the reason I was uncomfortable with what you were doing. That and how I began to feel made me feel the need to push you away. Despite the fact that my wife had talked me out of confronting you five years ago, I was too insecure and self-conscious to have a healthy conversation with you. Instead, I started - as you put it earlier - acting like an asshole toward you."\

I had to sigh heavily after getting all that out. I wasn't usually one to take blame for anything. But it felt good to say it. My name is John Roberts and I'm an occasional asshole.

"What do you mean that how you were feeling caused you to feel like you had to push me away?"

Looking into Jason's eyes after he said that made my spine start to tingle and the hair on my arms feel like it was standing on end. I'd wanted to be honest with Jason. But, not THIS honest. Maybe there was a way out of having to come completely clean about everything. "You know... Like I just said... I was uncomfortable. That's all."

I was backpedaling as fast as I could...and Jason was having none of it! "Not so fast! You said in addition to feeling uncomfortable, you were feeling something else. What else were you feeling?"

Now it was my turn to shift uncomfortably in my seat. I'd been cocky earlier when I thought how much I was enjoying Jason's time squirming on the end of my fisherman's hook. Now it was my turn in the hot seat again. But, damned if I wasn't still going to try and get out of it! "You know. We don't really have to talk about this now. Maybe I should just go. I'm sure you have other things to do."

I started to get up out of my chair when he adopted the same posture he had before...leaned back in his chair with his arms folded. "Figures..."

"What do you mean by that?" If there was nothing I disliked more, it was being challenged.

"You made this whole speech earlier about having the guts to be as honest with me as I was with you. Except you're reverting to having a typical John reaction. All that's missing is the part where you fly off the handle for no reason at all. Don't you think you owe it to me to tell me what's been going on between us for the past year or so? I'm still in the dark about what's been motivating you to act like you've been acting toward me."

He was exactly right. I owed it to him. And an ever growing larger part of me wanted to spill my guts in the hope that it might lead somewhere. I sat back down in my chair and looked at him. "You're right. You do deserve to know. I just don't want it to change things between us and to affect my family when you find out." The part of me that still cared about what might happen to my family reared its head again.

Jason smiled at me before he spoke softly like a psychiatrist talks to his patient. "John, the only way whatever you've got to say to me can hurt your family or change our dynamic is if you don't say it. It's been my experience that, when you keep thoughts to yourself, they have a way coming out in other ways that can be just as damaging or more damaging. It's just you and me here. This is a safe place." If I hadn't been so distracted by what the fallout from all of his was going to be, I probably would've thought he was pandering to me.

But the calming effect of his soft voice had done its work. I had to come out with the whole truth. There was no way I could run away or stick my head in the sand now. "All right. I'll tell you. There came a time after I realized that you had a thing for me and were flirting with me that I started to realize that I was flirting back without consciously intending to. And then, then fantasies and daydreams started."

There it was. I'd said it...actually verbalized practically everything I'd been feeling for the past several years now. I could tell by the look on Jason's face that, even if he'd fantasized about me - as I guessed that he probably had at least a few times - it surprised him to know that I'd had my own fantasies.

"Fantasies?"

"Yeah..." I started to hesitate. But what the hell... We were already this far down the rabbit hole. I might as well say everything. "I started thinking about you and I...us...you know... Doing stuff. I didn't know what it meant, but it freaked me out. I love my family, Jason. I wouldn't hurt my wife and kids for the world. That's when I decided that I needed us to stop flirting. Maybe if we weren't so chummy around the office anymore, the fantasies would stop. It was around that time that we switched over to the using the online audit form. When we had that disagreement, it was the perfect opportunity for me to create some distance between us. That's why I've been acting like I have. I've been desperately trying to keep this...whatever it is, from going any further. Do you understand where I'm coming from?"

I know the look of someone who is trying to stifle a smile. And that's exactly what Jason was doing. I couldn't blame him. From his perspective, hearing me say everything I'd just said was probably years of sexual frustration finally coming to fruition. For me, yeah, it was relief. I was finally able to let out so many of the emotions and feelings that I'd kept locked up. But, I'd also let out with them the chance that my family might be hurt. I hoped that Jason understood that things had to stop here and they had to stop now.

"I do. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for being honest with me about all of this. I know it took a lot for you to say everything you just said. But I do have one question."

Crap! Can't we just let this drop already?! "Okay," I'm sure that I looked more than a little apprehensive.

"Did pushing me away and treating me as badly as you did work?"

"What?" Of course, I'd heard what he'd said as clear as day. I knew a flimsy stalling tactic like this wouldn't actually work. But that didn't stop me from trying it, just the same.

"I mean, did going through all that trouble of trying to alienate me accomplish what you wanted it to? Did you stop thinking about me and fantasizing about you and I...us...you know... Doing stuff?"

Of course the answer's no! I didn't stop thinking about Jason. If anything, I probably started thinking about him even more! All I could do while I figured out what the hell I was going to say was lean back in my chair and rub my eyes. I'd brought this on myself, of course. If I hadn't listened to my dick and just walked out that door a few minutes ago, I'd be back in my room right now watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory on cable. I could just lie, right? It wasn't in me to do that. But what else can I do? God... I SO feel like I could pass out right now! I took a deep breath and did the only thing that would sit right with my conscience. I told the truth. "No. It didn't. I still thought about you that way. Still THINK about you that way. And that's why, when Janine told me that she wanted you to accompany me here to Denver, I did everything I could to talk her out of it. Just the idea that we'd be alone together like this scared me. I wasn't sure if I could keep myself from doing something to hurt Laura and the kids. And, it sounds like last night, I was willing to do just that."

I couldn't look at Jason. If I did, I felt like I might burst into tears. I could only look away. I hated him right now. Hated him for all the pressure I was under. Hated him for the jeopardy I was putting my marriage in. Hated him for how much I wanted to do things with him that no married, straight man should want to do. And fuck did I want to do those things. Wanted to do them with Jason. The urge was becoming almost unbearable. Out of the blue, I felt his hand on my shoulder. He said softly, "John, it's okay."

Okay?! How could it be okay?! "Is it?"

"Sure. I mean, I'm not happy that you chose to try and alienate me at work instead of talking things out with me. But, now that everything's out in the open and we both know how the other feels, we can move on."

He patted me on the shoulder and then kept his hand there. How nice for him that he felt so free and unburdened now... Not me. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This is not how this week was supposed to go! We were supposed to be at the PST conference in different seminars and staying away from each other. I would do my best to have as little interaction with him while we were back here at the hotel. And, by the time we were ready to back home, he'd get the picture that I was definitely off limits. Once he stopped flirting with me, I'd finally be able to put these tantalizing and torturous fantasies out of my mind and move on with my life. Instead, exactly the opposite happened. And now... Now, I felt like I was on the road to inevitably ruining my life! How could I ever possibly just...move on?! "Maybe YOU can move on. But, how can I?" I spat out. "If I'm not careful, I could jeopardize everyone that I love. I have these feelings and urges that I can't get rid of and I don't know what that means...what I might do if the urge becomes so damn strong that I can't resist it."

Jason looked at me, smiling. "John, I think I have a way to calm the turmoil you're feeling right now."

I had relatives who were always consumed with get-rich-quick schemes. Normally, I'd know much better than to fall for whatever snake oil he was trying to sell me with that line. But right now I was a desperate man willing to believe anything that might calm my nerves and get all of these thoughts out of my head. "You do?" I looked at him with what I'm sure was a wide-eyed and pleading look. Hoping he was offering to save me from myself. "What? Tell me. I'll do anything not to feel like I'm feeling right now."

"What if you acted on what you're feeling?"

"What?" I couldn't have heard him right. He didn't just suggest what it sounds like he suggested, did he?

"I could help you... I mean, we could... You know..."

I felt my face go hot and I felt like I was momentarily blind. This must be what it feels like to fly into a rage. I didn't want this. I didn't want to ruin my family, but I didn't want this either. I felt rage welling up inside of me and there was only one direction it could be directed. I didn't want that. But it was as if every single conflicting emotion I'd been feeling about Jason, my marriage, my family, and my own sexual identity began to gel together. I had to try and hold back the wave of anger as best I could. I spoke, trying to maintain an even temper. "No. Absolutely not! Are you crazy?! I just got finished saying I don't want to hurt my family and you suggest doing the one thing that could end my marriage?!

Whatever Jason was saying in response to what I'd just said was absolutely pointless. I could see his lips moving, but I couldn't hear a single word. My blood was racing. My ears were ringing. I was ready to erupt...and not in the `damn, that's hot!' kind of way. Not even allowing myself to filter what spewed out of me, I raised my voice. "My God! You probably want me to push you down on the bed and have my way with you right there on the bed where, not more than two hours ago you had random sex with some strange guy! Maybe having random sex with guy after guy is what you do on a regular basis, but that's not who I am. And I'm not going to let you make me something I'm not. You're sick!"

Don't ask me how I got there, But, the next thing I remember, I was in my own hotel room, laying on my bed, breathing heavily and trying my best to get control of myself. I must've suffered some sort of rage-induced blackout. I was a man on the edge. And, as tears streamed out of my eyes and dripped onto the bed comforter, I wasn't sure how anything was ever going to be okay again.