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Part 5. A Cold War With Another Napoleon: Jason's perspective
Things were going pretty good for me at work. I was good at my job, I liked most of my co-workers, and, maybe most importantly, the higher-ups in the office liked my work. My personal life wasn't worth shit. But I suppose not every aspect of one's life can be clicking on all cylinders at the same time. Avoidance and fear of intimacy caused me to not put myself out there in productive and positive ways to meet guys. And so, every night I came home to an empty house and either watched TV or surfed the internet and jacked off to porn. It wasn't exactly a terrible existence. But it wasn't fulfilling either.
Maybe that's why I couldn't let go of my crush on John Roberts, second in command in my office with the Glenmont School System. If I stopped to really analyze it, being hot and horny for someone who I knew I didn't stand a chance of ever getting was a security blanket. It was safe. I couldn't get hurt because I would never really make a play to fuck him, since I was certain it would end in controversy and scandal at work...not to mention a sexual harassment suit.
I feel like I need to clarify something at this point, too. I mentioned before that John was (seemingly) happily married and now had three kids. The hypothetical end result of my crush on him wasn't that he would divorce his wife and ride off with me into the sunset so that we could live happily ever after. As someone whose parents divorced when I was two years old, I'm well aware of what growing up in a broken home does to a child. I wasn't fantasizing about taking John away from his family. I just wanted us to fuck, suck, and make out...a lot. And so I settled into a pattern at work, where John was concerned. I would fantasize about us fucking...usually in his office during the workday. Then, I'd feel bad about viewing someone I respected the hell out of as a sexual object and resolve to stop thinking about him that way. And finally, I'd see him around the office and my horny fantasies would be stirred up anew. And the cycle went around and around... It really was pathetic.
Things went on like this for a while. But then something happened that made me look at John a little differently. Everyone has their faults...even incredibly sexy people. One of John's faults was that he was insecure and hyper-sensitive. Okay...so that was TWO faults. Anyway, in my opinion, the combination of those two attributes caused John to see any sort of critical questioning of something he wanted done as a personal attack. And that's how my feelings about John changed.
He was heading-up the implementation of a new system at work...transitioning one aspect of the duties of the group I'm in from paper-based to computer-based. John spent about 20 minutes in my office, giving me the rundown of how he wanted certain things to be done now that the process was going to be performed in our personnel management system. I managed to pull myself out of gazing dreamily at him as he was talking to pay attention to what he was actually saying. It was important to me to make sure I understood everything he wanted and that I would do it the right way. Of course, I had follow-up questions. As our conversation continued and I didn't feel like I was completely understanding what John wanted from me and the rest of my group, I kept asking for clarification. I could tell by his body language that John was becoming very frustrated with me. There was so much tension in my office that it could've been cut with a knife. After we were done talking (I still wasn't sure that I completely understood the whole process...either my fault for not comprehending or his fault for not explaining it clearly enough), he immediately went next door into the office of my direct supervisor, Pam. A short time later, the workday came to an end and I left, noticing that he was still in Pam's office.
The next day, Pam told me that he spent an hour in her office the day before, very angry because he felt as if I had attacked him and disrespected him. I was floored. I knew John was frustrated when he left my office. But I never once got confrontational during our conversation the previous day. It struck me as a "bitch" move for him to complain to Pam about me instead of just telling me to my face that he felt like I was being disrespectful. I mean, this isn't Real Housewives Of Glenmont HR. Don't finish talking to me and then go have lunch with Porsha and Kandi to gossip about how shady I am. Sit down with me and let's hash things out.
Things between John and I became pretty frosty at that point. Eventually, we settled back into a cordial working relationship. But, that whole ordeal really made me see him in a different light. Of course, I still thought he was as attractive as hell. But I'd lost a lot of respect for him...and that made me pull back from going out of my way to interact with and flirt with him.
After a few weeks, I'd all but put that issue behind me. I was doing my best to stay away from John unless we had to interact...which would, in turn, make my fantasies run wild. And that would give way to me mentally slapping myself for imagining myself on my knees with his fat cock in my mouth because of what an asshole he'd shown himself to be. Like I said earlier...a pathetic cycle. Anyway, after a misunderstanding about a coverage issue that I wasn't really a part of (caused by John's buddy, Sharon - who was also in my group and felt like it was her business to be in the middle of everything...you know the type), looked up from my desk to find Sharon and John standing in my doorway: Sharon waving at me with a stupid smile on her face and John with a smirk on his face. Immediately, John started in on me about the coverage issue and that I was going to have to stay late and deal with it because Pam had left early for the day...blah, blah, blah... At first, I thought it was all a joke. Halfway through John's verbal dressing-down of me, when I uttered a confused "uhhhh," he responded with a mocking imitation of me.
It doesn't really matter how the situation was resolved. My takeaway from the whole thing was that John Roberts was an even bigger asshole than I had thought. At that point, I was done. I wasn't sure how he and I would ever be able to come back from this latest breakdown in communication. The worst part of it all, though, was that I was still attracted to the guy. It was absolutely gross. I wanted to both yank his heart out of his chest Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom-style AND fuck him. If any of you out there have ever totally despised and been turned on by someone, you know what I was going through.
For a few weeks after, things were very tense between John and I...and I think those around us felt the tension too. One afternoon, I looked in my work e-mail box and saw an incoming message from him, asking me to come to his office when I had a chance. There's something he wanted to discuss with me. An apology, perhaps? I had to chuckle out loud to myself. No chance of that happening. He hadn't even apologized for the LAST time he acted like a tool toward me. I got up and walked down the hallway to his office, wondering what this was all about. I stood in his open doorway and tapped my knuckle on his door to let him know I was standing there.
As he turned around to face me, little did I know that something was about to be put in motion that would change things between John and I in a way that there was definitely no coming back from.
Part 6. Cruel To Be Kind: John's perspective
For the next few weeks after I forgot myself and made that "going topless" remark to Jason McKinley and, not only saw the effect it had on him, but also realized how much I enjoyed that he felt that way about me, I was ill at ease. I knew I needed - for the sake of my family - to put to stop whatever was happening between he and I. The only problem was that I wasn't exactly sure how to do that. I genuinely liked Jason and didn't want to screw up our work friendship.
Whenever we'd run across each other in the office or if he had to come to my desk to drop something off, Jason would continue to flirt with me and be overly friendly. Despite my resolve to find a way to get him to stop acting this way toward me, I found myself continuing to flirt back with him. There were times when I'd go to Jason's office to speak with him and I could see his eyes traveling from my face to my crotch. And, although it unsettled me, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't something arousing about it, too. One day, while I was at my desk, in the middle of trying to figure out how to deal with a problematic set of data I was analyzing, I decided I needed to take a break. The numbers were all starting to run together and my mind was getting cluttered. I leaned back in my chair and just let my mind try to clear and go wherever it wanted to go for a few minutes. Surprisingly, I started imagining myself in Jason's office, talking to him about something work-related. As tends to happen in real life, Jason's eyes drifted down to my crotch. Only...in my fantasy, I widened my stance and pushed my hips outward, toward him. When he looked up at me, questioningly, I grinned at him, kicked the doorstop out of the way, and let his office door swing shut. As I walked toward his desk, my dick getting harder and harder in my slacks, he sat here, wide-eyed in what I assume must've been a mix of disbelief and anticipation. Now standing less than five feet in front of him, my eyes looking directly into his, I unbuckled my belt and unbuttoned my slacks. Jason's eyes broke my gaze and became fixed on my crotch as I pulled the zipper down slowly over the bulge created by my hard dick. All that stood between my dick and Jason's devouring eyes was the thin layer of my boxers.
Suddenly, a voice in my doorway thankfully shook me out of my thoughts. It was the office manager, Debi, asking me about an office supply order she was about to place. I immediately became aware that I was sitting at my desk with a hard on. Luckily, I'd been facing away from the door. Hoping Debi wouldn't be able to tell how out-of-sorts I was, I answered her and she was gone. Feeling clammy and short of breath after my fantasy, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I had to do something about Jason.
That night, the first thing I did when I got home was put our kids in their room and then take Laura to our bedroom and fuck the living daylights out of her. Not only was I still horny as hell from having that hard on earlier in the day, but I was damn sure going to prove that this situation at work with Jason wasn't making me doubt my sexuality. Afterward, as we straightened up and got our clothes back on, Laura asked me about Jason. "You haven't mentioned anything about him in weeks. Did you follow my advice about Jason?" Laura had advised me not to embarrass him by talking to him about his obvious flirting with me.
"I tried to. But honestly, honey... I really feel like I need to talk to him."
"Why? You said he hadn't overtly hit on you. Has that changed?"
There was no way in hell I was going to tell her that things between Jason and I had progressed to me flirting back with him, allowing him to get away with ogling me in one-on-one situations, and that I had just daydreamed about whipping my dick out for him earlier that day. I lied through my teeth. "No. He still hasn't hit on me. It's just that I'm not going to feel right until I talk with him."
She sighed. "I think you'll be making a big mistake. But however you do it, use some tact when you talk to him. If we're both wrong about his behavior, the last thing you want is to cause trouble for yourself in the office."
"Don't worry," I said, leaning in to kiss Laura on the cheek. "I'll be diplomatic." There was no way I was wrong about Jason. And when I got the chance, I'd put a stop to everything.
It turns out that I didn't have occasion to talk to Jason until later on in the week. I was in charge of moving part of a regular process Jason's group did from on paper to being performed in our personnel management system by computer. I decided, after I spoke to Jason about the process, I'd ask him to stay after work hours and ask him to keep our interactions in the office on a professional level. I still wasn't sure exactly how I was going to handle the conversation, but it was best to get it over with sooner than later. I didn't want to run the risk of having more daydreams about flashing him...or more.
That conversation never got to take place, though. While talking to Jason about the changeover from paper to computer, things took a frustrating turn. He kept asking me question after question...sometimes the same question multiple times. I was getting more and more upset...mostly because he wasn't understanding what I was saying and I didn't have a complete grasp on the things I was trying to explain to him. It felt like he was attacking my competence as the second-in-command in this office. I cut our conversation short and left his office, feeling like steam was coming out of my ears. As I walked away, I made a split-second decision about how I could get Jason to stop flirting with me. It was a cowardly decision. But it would spare me an awkward conversation. I went straight next door to Pam's office. Pam was my subordinate and she supervised the group Jason was a part of. I knew if I spoke to her about how angry I was with Jason, he'd hear about it and maybe he'd give me space.
Sure enough, my cowardly plan worked. I didn't see Jason for over a week. Whenever he'd bring me something to review, it would find its way into my office when I was away from my desk. Eventually, things settled back down and the ice melted a little bit. As what happens when two men fight, when we both decided it was over, we reverted to acting like nothing was wrong. I did notice that Jason wasn't as friendly with me as he had been before. And the flirting all but stopped. Surprisingly, I missed it. Why did I miss him flirting with me? What in the hell is wrong with me?!
A few weeks later, something else happened that further drove a wedge between Jason and I. I was in my office in the middle of concentrating on an important project when Sharon burst through my doorway, talking a mile a minute without knocking on my door or giving me time to pay attention to what she was saying. "You know... Stacy called out sick today and she wasn't able to reschedule her after-hours appointment. I have an appointment at that same time, so I can't cover it. Pam left work early because her daughter's home this weekend from Greece and she wants to spend time with her. You're going to have to take the appointment!"
I had to have her repeat what she was saying in order to understand what she was saying. When it clicked that I would have to take an appointment...something I was not accustomed to doing and something that frightened the hell out of me, I was not pleased. Jason's in that group. If anyone should stay late to cover Stacy's appointment, it should be him. With Sharon in tow, I practically flew down the hallway to his office and went off on him. It's all a blur to me now, but I think I may have even mocked him.
In the end everything turned out okay with the after-hours appointment, but I did what seemed like irreparable damage to my working relationship with Jason. When we'd see each other in the office, he barely acknowledged my presence. And my pride wouldn't let me apologize to him. I'd made a huge mess of things and I wasn't sure how to fix it.
Life has a funny way of fixing things for you, though. A couple weeks after this whole situation had blown up in my face, Janine called me into her office to explain that I was being drafted to attend the annual clients' conference that PST held at their headquarters in Denver. PST was the company that created and provided technical support to our personnel management system. Every year, two people from the office attended. This year, it was my turn. "Who's going to go with me?" I asked. "Someone from IT?"
"No," Janine said. "They're short-staffed until we fill that open position. I can't spare anyone. I think we might try to send someone from the counseling group this time. I'd like for Jason to accompany you."
"Oh, I don't know about that," I said as I felt like I was about to break out into a cold sweat. "Maybe you should ask Sharon or Stacy or Christina to come with me instead."
Janine smiled at me. "Sharon is anti-technology when it comes to everything. I love her to death, but she's the last person who should go with you to this conference. Stacy and Christina are too new to the position. And besides, as much of a problem employee as Christina's been, I'd rather not send her. No. Jason's going to be the one I'm sending with you. You'll call him down to your office and tell him?"
As I walked out of her office and into mine, I felt the blood draining from my face. In the most cowardly way possible, I'd pushed Jason away as a friend in this office over the past month. Now, I was going to be with him out of town for a whole week? What about all the flirting and the fantasies. What in the hell was I gonna do?!
I sent him an e-mail, asking him to come to my office when he had a chance. As I sat back and waited for him to show up, I had no idea what I was in for at that conference and how it would change my life.