Peng

Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional and not intended for minors or those judged unable by law to read this material. Any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental and unintended.

The author reserves all rights to this work.

PENG

PROLOGUE

He was gone; the love of my life was truly gone. The illness had been swift. I do not know when he had contracted the disease. The bacteria had started eating up his body but he did not complain about the pain. I had noticed him limping a little but thought it was just rheumatism. When I realized that his limp had become worse, I called for the ambulance. He objected but gave in to my insistence. His sixty-year-old body was too old to resist the disease and in the end it took him. Stupid man! If he had said something, he would have still been alive. I had the money but not the means to save him.

At the advice of a close friend and doctor, I got myself up to Edinburgh. I was asked to take a holiday; "Get away from here for a few weeks and make some new friends," he had said to me. So here I was at a restaurant in Edinburgh, early one Thursday night, trying to do just what the doctor had ordered.

I first saw them at the restaurant. One was about fifty and the other seemed to be in his twenties. They were laughing softly and talking. They seemed so happy together. Seeing them happy made me sad. Why did HE not say something earlier and we could still be together? I forgot that I was facing their direction and the older one, who was seated facing me, locked his eyes into mine. I realized it quickly enough and turned away.

"Is there something wrong?" I heard a voice at my side. I turned to see the bluest eyes I had seen. It was the younger man.

"Nothing," I attempted. I guess he had seen my tears. I did not even realize that I had tears in my eyes.

"My partner had seen you looking at us and that you were crying," he explained. "I normally don't do this, but I sensed that you needed some company." He nodded his head at the direction of his partner.

"Thank you," I said. "I'm sure that two of you had a quiet dinner in mind. Don't let an old man spoil that."

The older man had walked over in the meantime. He had heard what I had said. "We don't mind. I just hope that we're not intruding."

I just smiled. "No, no! You're welcome to join me. I'd like that, I think."

"Then, let me make some arrangements with the waiter," said the older fellow. He moved to look for the waiter and soon the table had two extra places set for the couple.

"You're Mr. Joseph Barker, aren't you?" the younger chap asked.

I was surprised. I did not realize that there would be people who recognize me. I'm not a celebrity after all.

"Yes, you're quite right. I'm Joseph Barker. You're?"

"I'm Michael Watson," the younger chap answered, "and this," he continued, pointing to his companion, "is Martin McBain."

"Very pleased to meet you," I said shaking Martin's hand and then Michael's. "Call me Joe."

"We will, thank you ... uh ... Joe. I'm sorry if my friend here has startled you. T'was I who realized who you were. I mentioned it to him when I saw you."

The waiter came to confirm our orders. We had ordered before we joined one another. When the waiter had left, Michael made a bold move.

"Sir, sorry if I sound too forward. Is there something wrong? You did not seem at ease just now."

I smiled. "No, Michael. I'm all right. It was just that I was thinking of a dear friend who died a few months back and I got a little sentimental. An old man does lose control of his emotions: a fault of the aging mechanism."

"Oh no, Joe," Michael said, "I consider that a man who is brave enough to show his emotions is not less masculine. Any way, he must have been very dear to you..." Michael stopped quite suddenly as he looked up. I turned to see a frown on his companion's face.

"Sorry, Joe, my young friend here does get carried away trying to help. I hope you forgive us if we've been intruding."

"Not at all. My friend was very close to me. We practically grew up together. However, I do think we shouldn't start our acquaintance by discussing death. We should be celebrating life, don't you think?"

Martin smiled when he saw how I had tried to move away from Michael's topic.

"Yes, Joe. Let's drink to life." Martin raised his glass of wine and we clinked our glasses and effectively moved to another subject.

We had a pleasant dinner and the two insisted on taking me out to lunch on Saturday. I accepted.

CHAPTER ONE: CHINA

I had just finished washing up and getting ready for bed. I sat next to the window and noticed the city streetlights. I began to think of him again. There was no sadness, just a memory. A memory of what his mother had told me:

Chang worked in a small merchant shop in Nanking. He had head for numbers and was quick with the abacus. His fingers seemed to be in a blur as he flicked the discs, calculating the day's takings. When he had finished he handed the completed accounts to his boss. His boss was very pleased with his performance and promptly handed him his day's wages.

"Thank you, boss."

"You deserve it. How long have you been with us?"

"This winter, it will be twenty years."

"That long, eh? Heh heh ... my father had the good fortune of employing you and that fortune is now mine. Now get home to your family. I'm sure the little woman would have your supper ready for you."

"Thank you, sir."

Chang turned around to see Mr. Barker standing at the door.

"Good evening, Mr. Barker," Chang greeted his boss's regular client in the few words of English he knew.

"Good evening, Chang," Mr. Barker replied.

"Boss," Chang called out in Chinese, "Mr. Barker is here."

His boss, Chen, quickly came out. On his face was a great smile. Mr. Barker was one of the more reliable foreigners in China. He made his payment promptly and was very careful in his dealings. Unlike the other foreigners, Mr. Barker made sure he understood the intricacies of the local language and learnt the manner in which the business was run. He never treated the locals as inferior but treated everyone with respect, even the humble clerk, Chang.

Chang left Mr. Barker and his boss to discuss business. He made his way back to his home and his family. As he reached the house, he noticed that the lamp was not lit. He grew irritated that perhaps his wife had forgotten to buy the oil for the lamps. As he neared the front door, he noticed that all was quiet. He pushed the door and it opened easily.

A great fear befell Chang as he entered the house. The first person he noticed was his son unconscious on the floor. He called out for his wife but was greeted by the voice of his sixteen-year-old daughter. Her voice was quivering as she called out to him, "Father, Father, is that you?"

"Yes, child, what happened?"

The girl wept and began to relate what had happened just hours before. A group of ruffians broke into the house and beat up her brother. It seemed that her brother had offended one of the gangster's sons by not cheating in a test. They had beaten half the life out of him within minutes. Her mother and her had come to investigate the violent sounds that were heard from his room. When one of the ruffians saw her, he had a leer on his face. Her mother rushed to block the way of the man and was pushed away. In the process, she struck her head against the wall and fell unconscious. With a dagger pointed at her brother, she was forced to be quiet as she was raped. When it all ended, she was dragged into another room and beaten. She pretended to faint and was left alone. When she was sure that the men had left the house, she tried to revive her mother but was unsuccessful.

Chang grew enraged. His wife was dead, his son was unconscious and his daughter was violated. He wanted to rush out to avenge them. He came to his senses when his daughter pleaded with him to try to save the boy first. He knew what had to be done. He told his daughter to throw on a cloak. Then he lifted up his son and led his daughter towards his working place.

Mr. Barker and Chen were just finishing their business talk when Chang arrived. Arrangements were made for a physician to see both children. Chen brought Chang to the local magistrate to launch a complaint. When all that could be done was done, Chen brought Chang back to the shop. It was decided that Chang and his daughter should be put up in the shop. It would be safer as it was facing a very busy street.

Two days later, Chen came calling at Mr. Barker's. Barker was putting up at a local inn.

"Mr. Barker, I have come to humbly request your help. It is a question of life and death," Chen said.

"What is it Mr. Chen? If I am able to help, I will certainly do so."

"You have finished your business here? You will leave tomorrow morning?"

"Yes. I've already finished. I can actually leave immediately."

"Mr. Barker, Chang's situation has gotten worse. The magistrate is corrupt. I heard from a friend working in the courthouse that he will issue a warrant for Chang's arrest tomorrow. He is charging Chang with the murder of his wife. It seems that there are some who will be witnesses of the crime."

"This is preposterous!" Barker exclaimed in English. Then, switching to Chinese, he asked, "How can they do this?"

"They are going to charge him with incest, too. They are going to insist that he killed his wife because he was caught with his daughter."

"Nonsense! How can they make up such a charge?"

"In time, perhaps the magistrate himself can be brought to justice. However, until that is done, Chang and his daughter would be given the death sentence for sure."

"What can I do?"

"I have purchased three train tickets for Shanghai this evening. If you could take them with you back to Shanghai, it would buy them some time. Normally, they do not check the cars that are occupied by foreigners. Furthermore, the warrant will not be issued until tomorrow and so Chang will be safely on his way to Shanghai then. The magistrate will not know where to start looking. I will be in your debt if you would agree. Chang is a good man and his daughter a good girl. To have another tragedy occur to the family would be a great shame indeed."

"Certainly," Barker said immediately. He had already made up his mind to help the clerk that he had come to respect. He was a hard worker and an honest man. Barker was distressed that such injustice could occur to good people. He was ready to right any wrong.

"What about his son?"

"The younger Chang is with the physician at the moment. He has not regained consciousness and the physician fears that he won't survive. Even if he lives, he would be bedridden for the rest of his life." Chen shook his head sadly. "Thank you for assisting us. We are forever in your debt."

"No, Mr. Chen, I'm greatly distressed by the tragedy that has befallen this man. I owe it to myself to help him out in some way."

Mr. Chen left the tickets with Barker and left. About twenty minutes later, the Changs came and hurriedly they left for the train station.

No one disturbed their trip to Shanghai. It was at breakfast on the train that a Frenchman mentioned to Barker that the Japanese naval fleet was beefing itself up and there was a possibility that the Japanese were thinking of invading the Korean peninsula. Knowing the ambition of the Japanese cabinet, it was just a matter of time that the Japanese would reach the Chinese border. With the disunity of the warlords in China at the moment, China would be an easy target. Although the official line would be that the troops would be united in the event of an invasion, the reality was that there were some warlords who were making friendly moves towards the Japanese.

It was there and then that Barker decided that he should return to England. When he got back to his car, he suddenly decided to bring his Chinese charges back to England too, if they were amiable to the idea.

"Would you like to go home with me?" he asked in Chinese.

"I don't like to be a burden, Mr. Barker," Chang replied. "We owe you so much for allowing us to be in your car. To put us up in your home would be too much to ask of you."

"I mean that I would like for you to come back to England with me."

Chang became silent for a few moments. "Mr. Barker, you are asking us to leave our motherland. Is there a reason for doing so? Is it because the situation is more serious than we anticipated?"

Barker took a deep breath and tried to explain the intricacies of international politics and the seriousness of the situation in China.

"Chang, if I'd known of the news after we'd parted ways in Shanghai, I wouldn't feel so bad. Somehow, I feel that I should help you all the way. If I'm wrong and the Japanese don't attack, I could book you passage back here."

Chang was in two minds. However, when he saw his daughter beside him, he made up his mind. "Thank you, Mr. Barker, I will take up your offer."

My eyes grew heavy. I looked at the clock and saw that it was already two in the morning. I decided to turn in.

CHAPTER TWO: EARLY MEMORIES

I woke up with the sun in my eyes. I lay in bed for a few moments before stretching. I got up and got into the bathroom. I took a look at the clock and saw that it was already half past nine.

I took a piece of toast and a cup of coffee for my breakfast and left the hotel. I decided to take a walk in the nearby park and just have some light exercise. After all, fresh air and a brisk walk were good for the body. I walked for at least three-quarters of an hour and then decided that I should take a rest. My body no longer had the vigor of my younger days. I sat down at a park bench and my eyes began to wonder. I saw people walking and talking and some were just spread out on the grass for some sun. Then my eyes caught some children playing. Their laughter brought back very warm memories.

I must admit that my earliest memories did not involve my father. They involved Chang, or Uncle Chang, as I used to call him. My father was already married with three children when he returned from China with two extra persons in tow. My patient mother listened to my father's explanation and accepted the two obviously different people into our home. Things happened really quickly. Within a month from my father's arrival home, it was apparent that Aunt Mei, Uncle Chang's daughter was pregnant. My mother helped her through a difficult time. We moved to the country because of the war and my father was called up to serve in the air force. I was told by Aunt Mei that I was born about nine months after my father's departure. Needless to say, I was the product of a very passionate last night for my parents.

My three older siblings were very different from me. When my father left, they took it really hard. I never had the chance to experience the separation of my father and I was the jolly little toddler to everyone. My oldest brother, William was ten when my father left. He became sullen and quiet until after my father returned. I think he never recovered from that separation experience. My mother told me that even though his disposition was better when my father returned, he was never the same happy-go-lucky person that he was before.

My older sister, Harriet, came next. She handled the experience in a slightly different way. She became very bossy. She was only seven when my father left. I never liked her. She used to check on everything I did for as long as I can remember, right until her deathbed. I know she meant well, but frankly, her methods left a lot to be desired.

My older brother Simon also became quiet but he was a gem of a son and brother. He became thoughtfully quiet, always unassuming and getting the job done. He was only six when my father left and he became the helper around the house. Though Uncle Chang was always around the house, Simon became his shadow of sorts. He would help Uncle Chang in the garden growing vegetables or tending to the chickens. He would help my mother fold the washing when it was dry. He was quiet, but hardworking. I am sure that he was Uncle Chang's favorite. I know that Uncle Chang treated Simon more like a son than his employer's son, though he would always refer to my brother as "Master Simon".

And I? I wasn't even born when my father left. All I can remember now is that I was a very happy child with Uncle Chang and Aunt Mei. Most of all, I had a good playmate, Peng. He was the son born to Aunt Mei. Though we were different in appearance and age, we were almost inseparable. Every day we would be playing in the backyard under the watchful eyes of my mother or Aunt Mei. I can still remember the little wooden box that I was placed in whenever I was in the backyard. I wasn't allowed to move freely because I was too young. I was probably placed under the care of Aunt Mei when my mother went out to work. I do remember my mother and her warm soothing voice that rocked me to sleep in the night.

My mother said that I was afraid of my father the day he came home. The war was still going on, but my father was injured by a grenade, and he was discharged. I never knew the full extent of his injuries until I saw him without his shirt on when I was seven or eight. The left half of his back was scar tissue and it seemed to have stretched down to his left leg. My father walked with a very slight limp after the war. We never mentioned it to him, because his injuries made him very moody. I was going to three when he returned. It was 1944. I rushed to my mother's instead when he held out his arms. My other three siblings did the natural thing, and hugged and kissed him. I didn't. I always wondered if that was why he always seemed to dote on me a little more. However, I warmed up to him within a month or so, according to my mother.

My parents had two more children: a girl and then a boy. When my younger brother was only three, my older brother Simon died. He had never been strong in his constitution but he never let his pain or discomfort bring anyone down. He caught scarlet fever just after his fifteenth birthday. I remember that the doctor quarantined the whole family during the time. My father was out at work at the time and he had to live away from the family for about three weeks. None of the children, except Simon, of course, showed any symptoms of the illness during the three weeks. We were kept downstairs and were not allowed to go upstairs at all. We had to share the one bathroom behind the kitchen. All the boys slept in the living room and the women and girls in the study. Uncle Chang took turns with my mother to look after Simon. Usually, he would take the night shift and would sleep upstairs.

Simon never recovered from the illness. Even when the fever left him, he was too weak to walk. He remained in bed for four months before he died. I know that my mother cried for days after his death. I still remember the day he died.

He had woken up very early that day. Uncle Chang was still tending to him in the nights. Uncle Chang said that he awoke suddenly at about five, just before the sun arose in late spring. He looked over to see Simon looking at him with a smile. When asked, Simon said that he wanted to remember Uncle Chang just the way he was, a caring and loving person. Uncle Chang just smiled and asked why he was up so early. Simon mentioned that he wanted to see the sun rise. He asked Uncle Chang to bring him to the chair to see the sunrise. Uncle Chang carried him and placed him on his lap next to the window and they enjoyed together the brilliant colors that accompanied the dawn. Uncle Chang brought Simon back to the bed and helped him to wash up. My mother and father came in just as Simon had finished washing up. They were also surprised that Simon woke up so early. Simon looked radiant and awake, unlike the usual weak pallor that he wore on other days.

Uncle Chang excused himself to prepare Simon's breakfast and left the room. My father and mother spent some time with Simon. Simon made them laugh by telling them a few jokes. Till the day she died, my mother remembered those jokes that Simon said. Simon made a request of my father. He had wanted my father to come home early that night to be with him. It was the first request that he had made of my father since he was confined to the bed. My father agreed without a thought. He was happy that Simon was getting better.

Throughout the day, Simon made requests to meet everyone; even my younger brother was asked to sit on his bed. Simon always made him laugh and Simon made a great effort to tickle him. Strangely, little Raymond did not run away but let Simon tickle him a little. Both their laughter brought my mother into the bedroom. She chided Simon for not thinking about his health and what that excessive laughter would do to him and Raymond for misbehaving with his sick brother. The tenseness disappeared almost immediately when Simon apologized. He had what my older sister would call 'puppy dog eyes' and my mother could never refuse to forgive Simon.

He talked to Peng and me for about forty minutes. I don't remember most of it but I do remember several parts of it.

"Most of all Joe, you must always treat Peng as an older brother, a friend to be looked up to. Never, promise me..." Simon said with a serious voice.

"I promise..." I said, feeling as if I was being scolded.

"You must never treat Peng as if he is your servant even though Aunt Mei and Uncle Chang are really hired by Daddy and Mummy. Peng is your friend. I have watched both of you grow up together and you are great friends. You must never treat him less than a friend."

"I promise," I said meekly. Frankly, it took me many years before I finally understood what Simon actually meant by those words.

"Peng, you must promise me that you will never allow Joe to take advantage of you. You are two years older than him and you should not let him order you around."

Peng just nodded his head. He had always been careful around Simon and William. He was always more friendly with me, but he had begun to change his ways a little then. I did not really realize it, but it must have been his grandfather who made sure that he did not get too friendly with me. Uncle Chang is a very traditional Chinese man. He considered it improper for the help to be too familiar with the employers. He owed a great debt to my family and he did not want Peng to overstep his boundaries with respect to his benefactors.

Simon just shook his head with Peng's response. These next words I will always remember now.

"Peng, you are going to be a great help to Joe. I don't think he realizes it yet. I know you will always be his closest and greatest friend, but I don't think he will always be yours. Please don't ever not be his friend, no matter how much he hurts you."

Peng answered, "Master Simon, your brother is very dear to me. I promise to always be his friend."

Simon was all right until half past six. My father came back immediately after work at about six and after washing up sat by Simon, talking to him whilst my mother and Aunt Mei prepared dinner. There was a sudden shout from my father and that brought everyone to Simon's room. Peng and I reached there first and quickly moved to a corner when my mother arrived.

"He's fading fast!" my father said sadly. "He made me promise not to be too sad." My mother just wept. Aunt Mei immediately went down to call the doctor.

"Daddy, mummy, please don't cry. I'm all prepared to leave. Please don't make me feel sad leaving here," Simon said weakly. It was clear that he was struggling. Then his breathing became very quick. I was very afraid then. I remember feeling cold all of a sudden. My father held one of his hands and my mother held the other. I held onto Peng who was beside me. Uncle Chang ushered my brothers and sisters into the room. The five of us stood at the foot of the bed with the Changs behind us. I don't remember how long we just stared at Simon. There was the doorbell, indicating that the doctor was finally here. Then we were all ushered out when the doctor entered. I think the doctor was not in the room for more than five minutes, but it seemed like an eternity then.

When we were finally called to go into the room again, the doctor was standing by the side of the bed with my parents assuming the places they had before. I could see Simon sleeping. My parents released Simon's hands and asked us to bid Simon goodnight. Following my mother's instructions, we planted a kiss on his cheek and said goodnight.

That was the last time I saw Simon alive. The next morning, when Raymond and I got out of bed, Simon was gone. I was told that I didn't have to go to school that day. It was then that I knew for certain that Simon was gone.

His funeral was a crowded one. His schoolmates came. My cousins, even those that I've never met before were also there. Many of the neighbors came, too. It was after the funeral that I found out that Simon had been tending the flowerbeds of some of our neighbors. He was indeed a well-liked teenager.

The memories of Simon and Peng brought tears to my eyes. If only my doctor could see me now. He had ordered me to get out of London so that I could cheer myself up. Unfortunately, I was crying again.

After lunch at a small little cafe, I took a certain direction and started walking. After all, I did have the map with me and if I got lost, I could grab a taxi and be back in my hotel easily. There was no problem at all.

I walked, slowly taking in the sights and the beauty of the city. I don't know I ended up there, but I soon came towards the University. I decided that it was a good time to turn back and head back towards where I started. As I walked, I saw students going to and from the University. I began to think about the ten years I spent in school.

I did not go to a very prestigious boarding school, but any boarding school was considered an improvement over a public school. After Simon died, my father decided that Raymond and I should go to a boarding school. That meant that Peng and I were to be separated. I was not happy with the decision but dared not say anything. In those days, we just did what our parents decided. I found out later that it was Uncle Chang's idea.

"Mr. Barker," Chang came to the study one summer day, "may I have a word with you?"

"Of course, Chang. Come in."

"Thank you, kindly, Mr. Barker." Barker had long stopped trying to tell Chang to call him by his first name. Chang had insisted that it would be improper to call his employer by his first name.

Chang continued, "It's about Mei."

"Mei?"

"Yes, sir. There has been an Englishman coming to see her quite often. I'm afraid that he is quite smitten by her. I do not know what to do? I do not know the ways of the English and I really do not know if he is a good person. Mei likes him but is also afraid. He does not know that Mei has a son born out of wedlock. I suspect that he thinks Peng is my son. I was wondering if you could instruct me what to do. I know that my daughter should get married but I am afraid that if we are not careful, she might make a mistake and then be in trouble again..."

Barker knew what Chang meant. Since coming to England, the only experience of English life that the Changs had was that with the Barkers. A new factor had entered their lives. Whilst Chang had not expressedly opposed the possible marriage of his daughter to an Englishman, Barker knew that Chang wanted to protect his twenty-seven year old daughter as far as possible.

"What is his name? I will have a chat with this fellow and then come back to you with the necessary information."

"I don't know his full name. He is a helper at the greengrocers. I believe his name is George."

"George ... I think I know who you are referring to. Do you wish me to inform him of Mei's history?"

Chang thought for a short while before replying, "Sir, I believe that it would be best. Though that might spoil the chances of Mei being happy, I believe that it would not be good to have secrets of this nature in any relationship."

"Very well, then, Chang. I'll talk to him before the week is over."

"Thank you Mr. Barker."

Barker had a long talk with George Taylor in a pub. During the weekend, after consultation with his wife and making some telephone calls, Barker called Chang into the study.

"Chang, I have some good news and some not so good news."

"Yes, sir?"

"Well, George Taylor (that's his name) is sweet on Mei. He's seriously thinking of asking her out and even thinking of marrying her."

Chang just nodded his head and remained silent.

"He has no problems with Peng being Mei's son. In fact, he was angry when I told her of the things that happened to her. On that account, I think that George is a good man. He doesn't believe that Mei was to blame for what happened to her and he admires her courage for bringing Peng up. However, things are not so rosy with his family. His family is actually not so keen of having a Chinese daughter-in-law. They had actually tried on some occasions to look for a match for him in the past. When he met Mei, he decided that Mei was the girl for him. He took quite a lot of effort to convince them that he wanted Mei. However, if it be known that Mei had a son, there'll be problems."

"So, what can we do? I want Mei to be happy, but I do not want her to be ashamed of her son."

"George has thought of a plan. He's actually saved enough money to open his own shop. A friend of his in Reading is planning to retire in two years and has offered the shop to him. Until then, he's to continue working where he is and stay with his parents. If Mei agrees to marry him, he and Mei may have to stay with his parents after the wedding until the new shop comes. Between now and then, if no one breathes a word about Peng's origin to anyone, he might be able to marry Mei and then get Peng to live with Mei and him in Reading in two years time."

"It seems like a good idea. However, how are we to prevent people from asking about Peng?" Chang thought for a while and said, "if we could send Peng away to school, how good it would be? However, I cannot afford to send Peng to boarding school ..." Looking up, Chang saw something in his employer's eyes and quickly continued, "Mr. Barker, please do not offer to send Peng to school. You have given enough to the Chang family. It would be a sin to accept more."

Barker anticipated this response. He said to Chang, "I have a relative in Reading who is living on her own. A young student like Peng may be what she needs. She's not an invalid but a ten year old lad who can do some chores and keep her company may be able to give some cheer to a sixty-four year old woman."

Chang looked quizzically at Barker. Barker explained with a smile, "I've a cousin in Reading who is sixty-four years old. She's a widow with a heart condition. She has no children of her own and doesn't want to leave Reading. I called her and explained the situation. She's very willing to help by letting Peng stay with her. It's not going to be totally free, of course. You'll have to foot the fees for Peng in the school at Reading and Peng will have to do chores in payment for his stay. What do you say?"

"I think it is a good idea. However, I don't know if Mei is up to the idea."

Barker smiled. He had already thought of Mei and asked his wife to help. "Don't worry Chang, Evelyn is now talking to Mei."

Chang nodded his head in appreciation. Barker had been more than an employer; he had been a good friend. Chang just didn't know how he could repay Barker. He also had a few suggestions of his own. "Mr. Barker, could I make a suggestion that may help more?"

"Let's hear it, Chang."

"So as not to make Peng feel as if he is being singled out, could I suggest that Master Joseph go with Master William to the boarding school. Then both boys would not feel too sad. With Peng going away, I'm sure that Master Joseph would feel that it was not fair..."

"Capital! This is just capital! Chang, you think of the best ideas. If both have to go away to school, then the blow wouldn't be too great. The only thing we would have to explain is the reason why Peng has to go to Reading instead. This is capital!"

So that was it. I went to my boarding school in Wales. It was a different one from my oldest brother's school because he was preparing for his Senior Cambridge Certificate. I went to a school for younger boys. I went to my father's alma mater and Peng was sent to Reading.

CHAPTER THREE: SUMMERS OF YOUTH

When I went home in the summer of 1953, I discovered that Peng was no longer staying in the house. His mother and her husband of two years had moved to Reading and Peng was staying with them. It was a great blow to me. A great fear overcame me as I realized that things were going to change and it was not always for the better.

I was consoled when Peng came to stay with us for a month. Peng had become more reserved. He was not as physical with me as before. He was also more modest. It was the hottest part of the summer and I was often without my shirt. We usually spent the days in the field behind the house and under the shadiest oak tree there. I would just remove my shirt because it was so warm. Peng, on the other hand, would not bare his body. He would leave an undershirt or singlet on.

One night, I woke up suddenly. Peng was sleeping in the same room with me. He was mumbling something. I soon realized that he was dreaming. I was facing his bed when I opened my eyes. Peng was probably having a dream. I was about to turn away when I heard distinctly, "Master Joe, I love you." He said the last three words in Chinese. I did not know much Chinese, but I definitely knew what those Chinese words meant. I had overheard Uncle George ask Aunt Mei how to say it in Chinese and she told him. That was when they were dating. I had heard him say it to her during the last summer. I was sure what those words meant.

I was awake for a while, trying to understand why Peng would say that. It was different from the word 'love' that Uncle Chang used on Peng. There was one word for love between parent and child or between siblings. There was another word for love between boy and girl, man and woman. Peng had used the latter. In those days, homosexuality was almost never talked about in England, at least not in my circles. I was confused but like all other things that puzzled me, I did not seek my parents. I kept it in my heart. I wasn't pondering about whether there was such a thing as boy-boy love, but I was wondering if I loved Peng the same way he loved me.

The next morning, I pretended that I heard nothing. There was nothing to indicate that Peng knew he had said those words. After all, I learnt in school that many people don't remember their dreams. So, I was safe.

The rest of the month went on normally, except that I was usually quite tired during the day. I actually tried to stay up as late as I could to see if Peng was having that dream again. Needless to say, I did not hear those words again, and as the month reached its end, my keeping vigil at night caused me to be very lethargic in the day. Peng was concerned that I was getting ill but I attributed it to the hot and warm summer days.

Generally, Peng was fun to be with, though it would have been better if he were less passive. He made suggestions only when I had no ideas on what to do. He went along with all my decisions. It was as if he were pampering me. I must admit that I liked it, though there were times when it was annoying.

The month passed quickly and Peng had to go home. Soon, the rest of the vacation flew by. I went back to school and continued with my education. I had a few more summers with Peng, but each time he would seem more and more formal with me. He had always called me Master Joe because his grandfather required that of him. I tried to make him drop the 'Master' part and just called me Joe, but he would always refuse politely. I even threatened to sever the relationship. I remembered the sorrow in his eyes when he said, "Master Joe, I can't disobey my grandfather. Please don't make me disobey him." I gave up trying when I realized that I was actually putting him in a difficult position. That happened in my sixteenth year.

I entered the university in my nineteenth year. I had put up a great struggle to make it into the University. I ended up with 'B.A. (Hons)' added to my name. During the summers, James, my boarding school friend who had gone to Oxford, would often get me to go backpacking in Europe during the summer. Fortunately, I managed to spend at least two weeks with my parents during the summer.

My grandfather had died when I was nineteen and had left my father a rather sizeable inheritance. My father had made some good investments and was able to afford the cost of my travels. Actually, he only paid for my travel tickets. James insisted on paying for the rest. My grandfather had also left a country house to each of his sons. My father moved the family to that country house. Uncle Chang moved with my father. My father had told him that he could retire and stay with us but Uncle Chang politely said that he would continue to work until he was unable to. Throughout his sixties, he was still able to manage the household, even though the house was bigger and there were more staff.

I did not see Peng after I entered the university. He was helping full-time in his stepfather's shop and I discovered that Uncle George found him a very great worker, just like his grandfather, Uncle Chang. It was to my greatest surprise that I received news of his marriage.

"Master Joe," Uncle Chang spoke to me a week after my graduation. "My grandson, Peng, is getting married. His mother and I have found a wife for him and he was agreeable to the match." I instantly felt a flash of jealousy. Didn't Peng say that he loved me? I quickly dismissed it as a passing phase of youth.

"I would be honoured," Uncle Chang went on, "if you could come to his wedding banquet."

"Of course," I answered.

I remembered the very interesting banquet. Peng's bride was also Chinese. Her family moved to England to escape the Maoist Communists. Her family was more fortunate. They managed to come to England with a little money and they had started a business. The laundry shop they had was small, but thriving.

I was jolted from my recollections by a clap of thunder. Rain was uncommon during this time of year, but I was not going to challenge the signs of nature. I quickly moved myself from the bench that I was seated on and walked briskly towards my hotel. It was already four and I was just in time for tea.

CHAPTER FOUR: MARRIAGE

I sipped my tea from the cup, watching the storm clouds form. I have often looked out of my window from my study when it rained. The rain here and that of London is different. As I look, I remember the rain that fell when I met my wife Marge.

My bossy sister, Harriet had married when I was eighteen. She married Lawrence Pike, whom everybody calls Larry. He looks like a simple bloke because he lets Harriet boss him around, but looks can be deceiving. He knows how to get Harriet to do what he wants without Harriet even knowing it!

My brother William had gotten married a year after Peng's wedding. Elizabeth was a very charming lady. William courted her with a vengeance. I must say that Liz was a good influence on William. Due to her insistence, he got familiar with the family business. My father was pleased and did not object when William approached him for his blessing to be married to Liz. Her father, I heard, was a hard businessman. However, the enthusiasm at which William talked about business won him over. He was convinced that firstly, William could hold out on his own, and secondly, William was not marrying Liz for her money.

I had to cut my holiday short because of the wedding. James was not pleased that I had to leave earlier. I managed to convince him that he could still have fun alone in Paris. It was there that he met his future wife. It was raining that day I got to the train station. It was quite full. I managed to get to an empty seat. Marge was seated across from me. I was traveling alone and so was she. I smiled and she smiled. Somehow we started talking and then exchanged addresses. We corresponded for a year before she hinted that she would like to go for a date. I almost did not get the hint if not for my younger sister, Rose. Marge had mentioned something about a flower show in three consecutive letters. I had complained to Rose that Marge seems to have nothing else better to say than about flower shows. She giggled and advised me to invite her for one. It was then that I realized what was happening. I invited her for the show and even out to dinner. It was a weekend thing because she lived in Manchester and I was working in London in a bank. That was the beginning of a long distance romance. When I think of it now, I was attracted to Marge's sense of humor and down to earth common sense. She filled a gap for me. She was my companion and my confidant. When we finally got married, it was, for me, something that was expected of us as a couple rather than because I was madly in love with her.

I was faithful to my vows on my wedding day. I provided for my wife and children; I did not look at other women; I had normal sexual relations with my wife; I made romantic overtures to her; and I always included her in my decisions. I was certain that I was being the best husband that I possibly could.

Peng's marriage, on the other hand, was a failure. His, like all traditional Chinese marriages of the time, was arranged between parents. He only knew who his wife was when the match was confirmed. He had no say in the matter. It was all arranged. Peng took it as it was expected of him. Looking objectively at the situation, I must say that the breakup of his marriage was inevitable. Peng's wife was educated in one of the more prestigious girls' schools in England. She was not happy with an arranged marriage. She married Peng because her parents threatened to disown her. After her second child was born, she met another man: an Englishman. She left with the man.

Peng was devastated. He was left with two children. His wife's parents were too ashamed to meet with him and left him alone. Feeling like a failure, Peng moved back with his mother and stepfather so that his children could be looked after. Uncle George welcomed him with open arms even when he had two children of his own to look after. The love of Uncle George for his stepson could also be seen in the love of his two sons, Geoffrey and David, for Peng. It was the care and love of the family that brought back his spirits.

In the autumn of 1974, Uncle Chang had a fall. In the process he suffered a stroke and was paralyzed on the left side. He was in the hospital for about two weeks. After the critical period was over, the doctor advised that he be sent home. Originally, Peng came to bring Uncle Chang back to Reading. However, my father thought it better if Uncle Chang stayed back in the house. The travel to Reading would be too tiring for him. After some cajoling, Uncle Chang agreed to stay in his room on condition that Peng be allowed to look after him and take over his duties. He did not want my father to spend a single penny on a nurse for him. Uncle George reluctantly let Peng go. When I heard the news, I left my three children with my mother-in-law and traveled with Marge back to my father's house. Marge had also grown fond of Uncle Chang because of his gentle and patient ways.

When I first saw Peng, I was startled. He had grown thinner and more mature. I had heard about his familial troubles from Aunt Mei and realized that the trauma of the breakup of his family had given him more lines on his forehead. Uncle Chang lived another six months. We all attended the funeral. According to Chinese tradition, Peng and Aunt Mei were to mourn for two whole years. I felt so drawn to comfort Peng because I knew how much he had loved his grandfather. However, he put on a strong front, being the pillar of strength for his mother. It was there that I met Peng's two children: a boy and a girl. The boy was named simply Foo, which represents 'fortune'; and the girl was Hwa, which meant 'flower'. They were a lot older than my children, and like their father, they were serious looking and silent. I guess age made the difference because I found my children very clingy, especially my youngest, who we had named after my late older brother.

After Uncle Chang died, my father gave Peng a choice to stay or to go back to Reading. Peng decided to honor his grandfather's wishes but wished to be able to go back to see his children twice a week since it was not wise to disrupt the lives of his children any further. Thus, every Monday and Thursday afternoon, Peng left for Reading and returned the next morning.

All this time, William had his eye on my father's house. Unlike my grandfather, my father did not invest in three houses for his three sons. As my father got older, he left more of the business to William. William visited the house more often and began to make life difficult for Peng. My mother first noticed it. She tried to talk to William but was brushed off. Knowing William's temperament, my mother did not confront him. Instead she had a long talk with my father. After reaching a kind of solution, my father called me to the study the next weekend I was there.

Marge and I made it a point to visit her parents every Saturday afternoon and my parents the next day. I was always glad to meet Peng, though he was not very talkative, I would try to find opportunities to talk to him. He would make polite conversations with me but they were often short because he would be needed in the various parts of the house.

"Joe, could you come to the study for a while. I have something very serious to discuss with you," my father said.

I entered the study with him. My mother was quietly talking to Marge and the children.

"Yes Dad, what's on your mind?"

"As you know, I'm getting on the years..."

"You're still healthy, Dad."

"Don't interrupt me, boy," my father said with a slight smile. He always had the same response from me when he mentioned his age. "What I'm going to say is important. It may be unpleasant but it has to be said."

"Yes, sir," I answered meekly.

"First, I'm making you Executive Officer of SB Garments." He paused as I gasped.

"I thought William would be taking care of that. Naturally, he is the heir to the company." I was surprised. SB Garments was just a subsidiary of Fenton Enterprises.

My father smiled. "Dear Joe, you always had a better head than William for business but you've never used your talents. Instead, you stuck by the bank and you're not even an executive yet."

"Dad..." I groaned. My father and I had many little debates over my choice of careers.

"I know that you're happy where you are and you're contented. However, making you Executive Officer of SB Garments is just one of the things I'd like you to take up."

"What else is there in this 'surprise'?" I emphasized the word 'surprise'.

"As you know, I inherited the smallest of your grandfather's companies: the garment business. I managed to buy into other types of businesses and the other businesses are the money churning ones. I think William will have his hands full with the others and will get rid of it the moment he has a chance. He doesn't know it yet, but I'd separated SB Garments from the rest of Fenton Enterprises about fifteen years ago, just as he was about to marry Liz. In effect, I own two companies, Joe. William just does sales. He knows nothing of the running of the company yet. I will let him take over the company next spring. I'd like you to continue SB Garments. It'd be a shame if the company that has been in our family for almost two hundred years was sold off just like that."

"But I know nothing about the garment business," I protested.

"You'll learn. Look Joe, I know you can do it and you're not adverse to it." He waited for me to nod before carrying on, "I'm hopeful that you'll turn the company into a very successful company. Don't let me down Joe."

I sighed. My father was laying a heavy burden on me. Yet, I knew that he was right. I could achieve it if I set my mind to it. "Alright Dad, I accept."

"Good. There's more..."

"There's more?"

"Yes, there's more. I'm not giving you SB for free. Raymond will have a twenty-five percent stake in the business. I've set the rules out. If he wishes to sell, he can only sell to you and no other. Ever since he decided to go into the entertainment business, he's had no security at all in his life." Raymond had decided to be a musician and was a trombone player in the local orchestra. He was not terribly rich, but he got by.

I nodded, agreeing with my father's decision.

"And Joe, as a special favor to me, please take Peng back as your butler."

That last request took me completely by surprise.

"What happened? Did he do anything wrong? Surely, you're not thinking of giving him up?"

"Joe," my father sighed, "Years ago, I promised his grandfather that I'd take care of his family. That included Peng who was already conceived. Peng has been an invaluable part of the household. I'm very happy with his work. I'm asking you take over his employment because I fear that William would give him the sack the moment he's able to. I don't know why he's so hostile towards Peng. I'm asking you to help me fulfill my obligations. When Peng lost his wife, George Taylor took him in. Then, when his grandfather died, Peng left George. Though I know that George would gladly take Peng back, I'm not sure that Peng would do that. He'd think that he was imposing on George. He's so like his grandfather."

"But, I can't just accept Peng without consulting Marge?"

"Your mother is talking to her now. Don't worry, I'm sure that with the salary of an Executive Officer will be enough to pay for the salary of a butler." He smiled a little more before adding, "You'd better know this too. Your 75% ownership of SB Garments comes into effect three months from your taking office. I expect that you'll tender your resignation the moment you go in on Monday?"

I nodded, "Yes. I've to tender one month's notice."

"Good. That is just enough time to handle the papers and think of a way to break the news to William."

When I left Dad's study, I noticed that Marge was distant. I moved to her and asked if she was okay. She looked at me in a strange way and asked, "Did you engineer this?"

"What?"

"Did you talk your father into making Peng our butler?"

I stared at her in unbelief. I was not sure what she was getting at. "No," I said simply.

She stared into my eyes and then smiled a little. "Sorry dear, I just had to make sure."

"Make sure about?"

"Nothing, dear. I believe you."

This little encounter puzzled me, but eventually Marge revealed all to me.

Surprisingly, William took the news quite calmly. He even congratulated me on getting my inheritance before Dad died. I thought it was of poor taste and told him so. He apologized but I wonder if he meant it.

Once Peng entered my household, a change overcame Marge. She became very extroverted. She involved herself in gardening clubs, bridge clubs and such social gatherings. At first, I thought that because Peng was handling the chores, she had more time on her hands. However, her presence at home became less and less. Though she never neglected them, I think I spent more time with my children than she did. It was not that I did not trust her. I had no reason to think that she was unfaithful to me. However, I did wonder why she changed so suddenly.

She was out on a weekend trip with her friends to Brighton the day my father passed away. I was annoyed with her because I could not get hold of her. When I finally got her on the telephone, she just had enough time to be punctual for the funeral.

Then, after the funeral, as suddenly as she changed into an extrovert, she reverted to her old self. I never had a straight answer from her whenever I asked her about the changes.

My mother, on the other hand, became depressed after my father's death. Her manner became erratic and eventually, she was confined to bed. Then, four years after the death of my father, in March 1985, my mother died in her sleep.

The grief I had for my mother's death was not as great as that of my father. I began to feel very guilty. I wondered why I was not feeling as sad. This translated into my daily dealings with people. Marge saw that. She was very understanding. She made me realize that I was probably more relieved that my mother had died because she had suffered much being bed-ridden. I was very thankful to Marge for being with me and I told her so. In the first time in many years, Marge took me in her arms and we sat by the window looking at the stars.

I could just make out the same stars in the sky. The rain had stopped and the sky cleared. The early spring sky was getting dark and I realized that it was already half past six. I had been deep in thoughts over my pot of tea. When I looked down, I saw that there was another empty pot. I had waited for the rain to stop on two pots of tea. It was this realization that brought a familiar feeling in my loins. I got up and searched for the toilet. When I got out, I thought that it was the right time to order my dinner. After all, I'm going to be alone again for my evening meal.

CHAPTER FIVE: DISCOVERIES

The meal was satisfactory. I was not really interested in the meal anyway. I forced myself to eat even though I had a poor appetite after the memories that invaded my mind during the day. I thought it wise not to retire too early today, as I was not the least bit sleepy. I walked and walked, passing the shops that were either closed or just beginning to close. I met a man just closing up for the day. His was a bookshop. It was laid out in a manner like my own study. Another memory flooded my mind. I got into the pub next to the bookshop and ordered a pint.

About a month after my mother's death, Marge announced some terrible news. I had just come home from work when Peng told me that Marge was very upset after coming home a few hours before. I went straight to the study where she was sitting and, obviously, had been crying.

"Marge, what's wrong?" I sat beside her holding her hand.

"I discovered a lump."

"A lump?"

"A lump in my breast. I went straight to the doctors and they did a mammogram. They did a biopsy and I had my results today." She went into another fit of tears. I held her close, fearing worse news. "The biopsy showed that I have a cancer and it has metastasized."

"How bad is the situation?" I asked as calmly as I could but I could feel myself trembling a little.

"The doctor said it was hard to tell. The best thing to do is to operate and then go through chemotherapy and radiation treatment. Joe, I'm frightened. When I asked whether I'll survive, the doctor said that there was a chance of getting the cancer under control, but he could not promise that it was very high."

I held Marge close. "I'll get the best doctors. We'll get through this." She shook in my arms and continued crying. The children were all in boarding school and we were all alone. When she had calmed down a bit, I looked at her and reassured her, "Marge, I'm here. I'll always be by your side. We'll get through this." She gave a weak nod and I continued, "I'm going to call Timothy and ask him to take care of business. I'm going to spend my time with you. I'll call Dr. Browning to get the best doctors I can get. I know that we'll be spending our savings for old age, but what's the use of savings if we can't spend it together?"

Marge looked at me with tears brimming in her eyes. "Oh Joe! I love you so much!"

"And I you."

I spent the next day with her as the doctor that was recommended to us prepared her for surgery. The outlook was not very bright, but there was hope. That was all I wanted. She went into surgery the next day. The surgeon came out of the theatre with a grim look on his face.

When I saw him, my face fell. "Doctor, what's..."

"Mr. Barker, let me change out of these gowns. Please come to see me in my office in ... let's say ... half an hour?"

"Yes. Can I be with Marge?"

"She'll be unconscious for the next ten hours at least and will be in intensive care. You can see her, but she's still under anesthesia."

"Thank you, doctor."

I was frantic. That grim look on the surgeon's face eroded whatever hope I had left. I was on the verge of tears but kept them in check. As I went towards the intensive care ward, I saw Peng in the corridor.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I wanted to find out how Mrs. Barker was doing. I'll go back if you so desire," Peng said looking a little disappointed.

"Sorry Peng, I was just too upset. I don't know what's the situation yet. She's just been out of the operation theatre and the surgeon asked me to see him. Peng, I've this dreadful feeling that I'm going to lose her..." I could not control my tears. I buried my face in my hands and Peng put his hand on my shoulder.

"Master Joe, if you worry too much about the future, you will miss the present and opportunities would fly by."

I looked up at Peng. He had become like his grandfather. Uncle Chang always had little sentences like these to encourage me in times when I was sad. Now, Peng was doing the same. My tears had stopped and I felt encouraged.

"Master Joe, you must first see the surgeon and then decide the next step. Worrying right here is futile."

"Yes Peng. I know. I just want to see Marge before I see the surgeon."

"I'll be right here until you return from the doctor's."

Marge was a terrible sight. She had tubes in her nose and a needle on each arm. There was a set of displays beside her bed. I had wanted to kiss her on the forehead but was afraid to disturb the wires and tubes. I kissed my fingertips and placed my fingertips on her forehead.

"Sorry my love," I whispered. "This'll have to do for now. When these blasted tubes are taken away, you'll get the real thing."

What the surgeon had to say was not good. They had discovered that the lump in her breast was actually hiding another tumor in the lining of her thoracic cavity. It was a rare form of cancer that was difficult to detect unless one actually was looking for it. From the looks of the spread of the cancer, the chemotherapy and radiation treatment planned for her would only prolong her life, at the most, for a few years. She'll probably be confined to bed and be half conscious because of the morphine she'll be given for the pain. The doctor said that whether treatment was continued depended on us. As a doctor, he would definitely recommend continuing treatment. Because the treatment was not even a guarantee that she would even live for more than six months, he was leaving the decision to Marge and myself. He gave me three days to think about it. If we decided to continue with treatment, he would arrange for immediate radiation and chemotherapy. Otherwise, it'd just be morphine to kill the pain.

I exited the office feeling totally helpless. I went back to Marge and cried at her bedside. At one point, a nurse came to me and advised me to go home to rest. Marge would only wake up the next morning. It would not help Marge to see me in this state. I thanked her for her advice and headed out of the ward.

I poured out everything to Peng. He listened without uttering anything. When we got home, he prepared a special concoction and made me drink the bitter liquid. I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow and had a very good rest.

Marge was looking fine. We had several long talks. She even had a private consultation with Peng. Then it was decided that she would rather not further the treatment and she asked if she could go home. The doctor said that she could not be discharged before the sutures were removed. She asked not to be put on morphine because she did not want to feel groggy. She was warned that painkillers were less effective in removing the pain but she said she was willing to take the risk of more pain. I must say that Marge was a brave woman. She took it well and within three weeks of her operation, she was allowed to go home. The sutures were removed but the doctor wanted to be absolutely sure before letting Marge go home. The hospital contacted a home hospice society which provided care every other day in homes. They were a great help because they were qualified to monitor the pain management.

During the time that Marge was in hospital, Peng did not go home to see his children. They were both in university and Peng said that he was not needed home. Nevertheless, after a talk with Marge, he went home for two weeks.

Marge's sister, Penny came to stay with us for five days. She left feeling consoled that Marge was not depressed. Rose, my sister, came in every morning after Penny left to help us with the chores. She was glad to help because she was quite close to my wife.

About three days before Peng was due to return, Marge suddenly became very temperamental. I had taken breakfast to bed for her. She had finished her breakfast and she took her medicine. I returned to her after washing up.

"When Peng returns, we won't have to trouble Rose any more," I remarked.

"You can't wait for Peng to return, can you?" Marge asked.

"I suppose ... what do you mean by that?" I asked, puzzled at the tone of her voice.

"I know you prefer him to me."

"What are you talking about? You're my wife. We have three children. What do you mean that I prefer him? The medicine must be affecting you ..."

"You can't wait for me to die so that you'll be able to be with him," she accused.

I was angry. I tried to control my anger because Marge was beside herself. "Marge, how can you say that? I don't want you to die! Come on, we've been married for almost twenty years. You know that there is no one else but you."

"O ... I've seen the way you looked at him and the way he looks at you. He's in love with you, you know. He has something that I don't have and you'll fall for him faster than you can leave me." Her voice had grown louder.

I looked around and saw a bottle of her medicine on the side table. I picked it up and read the label. It was morphine. The nurses that came the day before must had given her the wrong medicine. It must have been the morphine that affected her. I read the label again and it said that the contents of the bottle were to be taken in three parts. It was only the morning and I suspected that Marge took the whole bottle instead of just a third. I began to panic. Marge had overdosed herself with morphine!

She continued to scream at me when I picked up the telephone in the room. I dialed the number of the home hospice center and told them the situation in the din that Marge was causing. They told me that they were coming straight away.

They managed to administer a sedative to calm her down. They apologized for what had happened. When they had visited us, I was out doing some grocery shopping and Rose was with Marge. Marge had complained of not being able to sleep at night and the nurses, with the consent of the doctor at the center, gave her morphine. The amount of morphine she had taken was not too much to cause an overdose, but it was enough to get a person high. They only had an extra bottle left in their bag because ours was the last call and Marge had requested no morphine. They gave Rose the instruction to divide the bottle into three parts and to give Marge one part after each meal the next day. Rose must have forgotten to do so and Marge must have thought it was the one-third dosage that she was suppose to take.

When they left, I called Rose and asked her if she had forgotten to tell me something about Marge's medicine. She apologized profusely and asked if Marge was okay. I reassured her that Marge was all right but gave her a stern warning not to take the medicines too lightly in the future.

When I went back to Marge, she was not asleep. She was a little groggy perhaps, but not sleeping. She turned to me and apologized, "Sorry Joe, I shouldn't have said those things."

"Hush, Marge, you didn't know what you were saying. It was the morphine."

"But Joe," she countered, "What I said was what I felt. It was not imaginary. I was not hallucinating when I said those words."

"Hush," I quietened her, "Rest first. We'll have time to talk about it later." I kissed her on the cheek and said, "Try to get some sleep, the sedative you were given was to help you sleep. Don't fight it. We can talk over lunch."

I pondered over what was said those last few moments. I started to analyze my relationship with Peng. I was very fond of him, I know, but I could not possibly compare the friendship we had with the marital relationship I had with Marge, could I?

I helped Marge to wash up when she awoke and led her to the dining room where lunch was ready. Marge was silent during the whole of lunch. I tried to make light conversation but she just gave monosyllabic answers. After we had finished lunch, I helped her to the drawing room and prepared some tea. I brought in the tea and poured her a cup.

Just I sat down with my tea, she said, "Joe, we need to talk about what was said this morning."

"I'm listening," I replied.

"Joe, I know that we've been married for almost twenty years but until today, I don't feel as if I've been your soul mate."

I started to protest but Marge put up her hand to stop me from speaking.

"Let me finish what I have to say."

I nodded.

"Joe, you've been a wonderful husband and friend and confidant. I can never complain regarding your love for the children and me. You've never been unfaithful. In fact, I think I've had a more roving eye than you."

I raised one eyebrow in surprise. Marge let out a small laugh and said, "That's what I mean. You've never given another woman a second look because you're so devoted to our marriage, whilst I have often cast my eyes on a few men whom I find attractive. Though I've never entertained the thought of having an affair, I've been attracted to men other than you."

I tried to think of a time which I'd seen a beautiful woman that I fancied. I couldn't. Though I've been able to appreciate beautiful women, I have never thought of them sexually. It was not right.

Marge must have guessed what I was thinking. "Look Joe, except for me, you've never been interested in other women. In fact you've not been interested in women at all."

I thought again and realized that what she said was true.

"Joe, though we've been faithful to each other and have been together for twenty years, there's still a part of you that I can't reach. I don't know how to describe it. It's as if there's a part of you that will never be known to me. It's inaccessible to me. I do know who has access to it: Peng."

"How did you get to this conclusion? I've not done anything much with Peng except talk. I don't even share my intimate secrets with him, like I've done with you."

"How can I explain it?" Marge sounded frustrated. "I know that you'll never be mine completely because there's a certain something that I lack. I cannot have it because you've already shared it with Peng."

I was also growing frustrated. What Marge said didn't make sense. It was as if she was speaking in riddles.

"Joe, why don't you let me finish and then take some time to think?"

I nodded my head and let out a sigh, "O ... alright!"

"Remember you said that you wanted to console Peng when Uncle Chang died?" I nodded my head. "It was as if you knew how he felt. No one could see that. He was a pillar of strength. You told me with conviction that Uncle Chang's death was a very sad event in Peng's life. At first I did not believe you, but Aunt Mei told me that Peng had cried quietly every night between the death of Uncle Chang and the funeral. She told me that Uncle Chang was dearer to Peng than Aunt Mei, his mother! It was then that I began to discover that you knew him intimately. Yet, you were not constant companions or talked much. You shared with Peng something more precious. It went beyond the physical level."

Marge cleared her throat and continued, "When I found out that Peng was going to come into our employ, I was jealous. I asked you if you engineered the move. When you said, 'no', I found it hard to believe you, but I saw in your eyes that you weren't lying. I began to think it was he who engineered it. I tried to get you interested in other social activities but you weren't. In the end I was in so many circles that I wasn't home most of the time. Most thought I had a wonderful time. In fact, I wasn't. I was so paranoid. I imagined that Peng was increasing his hold on you when I was out that I didn't want to stay home to see his face!"

"I remember the sad day that Dad died. When you got me on the telephone at Brighton, I went into a panic. If I couldn't get to the funeral on time, you'd never forgive me and I'd lose you forever. The first person I saw when I reached the London platform was Peng. He was the last person I thought I'd see. He politely handed over a black dress and suggested that I change in the ladies'. Then he led me to the car and drove me to the funeral. In the car, he told me of the feelings you had regarding my absence. I found out that you'd not say anything to him, but he knew. I asked him if he loved you. He didn't answer my question. He simply said that it was more important to him that both of us stay together. His question told me all. He loved you. He loved you more than himself. It was more important for us to stay together than for him to be loved back. The tears you saw at the funeral weren't just for Daddy. They were tears of joy and heartache. I finally saw the thing that I could not reach. Both of you knew each other so intimately. It's just that you didn't know it consciously. Peng made sure that you and I were happy together. He apologized for ever causing anything bad to happen and he offered to leave if our marriage was compromised. I wanted to tell him to leave, but I couldn't. Peng wasn't a threat to our marriage; my jealousy was. I do admit that though I didn't consider him a threat, I was jealous that I could never have that part of you he had. He expressed his hope that I would go back to my old routine because that would make you very happy and take away the suspicions I'd had of him. I couldn't believe my ears. Peng wanted me to be happy too!"

Marge's eyes were teary by this time and I handed my handkerchief to her.

"My only consolation all this time was that your conscious heart was mine. When I discovered my cancer, I was frightened and you were with me. However, I was still suspicious and angry. Why has fate dealt me this blow? I couldn't accept my dying. When I consulted with Peng alone regarding whether to treat myself or not, Peng said that I should let my heart rule instead of my head. I asked if he was relieved that I was going to die. I asked him directly and he gave me a saddened look. He said that I still misunderstood him. He said my death would give you great sorrow and my suffering would give you great anguish. Those were his words: 'great sorrow' and 'great anguish'. He said he was definitely not happy over the fact that I, the joy of your life, would die. Taking his words into account, I decided that whether I die sooner or later, there'll be great sorrow, but I shouldn't let you endure a longer time of great anguish. That was when I decided not to continue treatment."

I sat there in awe by what had been said. I did not know how to respond.

"Joe, I should tell you something else. I asked for the morphine because I'm not feeling better. In fact, I think I'll be getting worse. I don't know how much time I have. So I'm going to tell you my hopes. I hope that after I'm gone, you'll continue to keep Peng around. I hope that after I'm gone, you'll think about what we've said today and connect with Peng. He's sacrificed so much in his life for you. After Dad passed away, I had some long talks with Peng. I wanted to know how to make you happier and he told me. I also asked him about his life and he told me unashamedly, knowing that he could trust me. From what I hear, he loves you, Joe. Maybe it's gay love, maybe it's not. He is not sure himself because he has never looked on another person in love except you. He married because he believed that it'd be the best way to help you to be happy. He revealed his love for you to Uncle Chang and Uncle Chang felt that his marriage would be the only way to break out of the situation. Peng knew what his grandfather meant. If it continued that way, you'd not be able to bring honor to your family. You'd not get married and not continue the family name. Peng explained that for the Chinese, that was the saddest thing that can happen to a family. He sacrificed his happiness so that you could lead as normal a life as possible. He'd told Daddy that he was willing to take the risk of William sacking him. He didn't want to ruin our lives as husband and wife. Of course, he didn't tell Daddy about his love for you. Daddy would hear nothing of it. Daddy was a sly one; he mentioned that if Peng got sacked, he wouldn't be honoring his promise to Uncle Chang to look after the Chang family. Peng was caught with this and accepted the change of employment."

"Marge, I don't understand. Are you telling me to get together with Peng? What are you saying?" I asked, totally confused.

"Joe, I'm not just saying that. I'm saying that I'll not blame you if you decided to get together with Peng. I'm saying return the love he has for you. I'm not going to define anything. Explore your heart. Once I'm gone, your obligations to me are over. I'll not judge you, Joe. I just want you to be as happy as you can be. Just promise me that you'll not leave any stone unturned with Peng. When I first met him, he was my nemesis, my enemy, and my rival in love. Now I see him in a different light. He's my ally in love. I know that this sounds strange. Without him, we wouldn't be where we are today. Without him, you'll never be complete, because he holds that special something that I don't have."

Marge got up and moved back into her bedroom. I was left in the drawing room pondering what she had just said. The next few days were difficult for me because I said very little to Marge. She was asking me to love Peng. The memory of the night many years ago came back. Peng had said he loved me, and the question that I had after that still remained unanswered. Did I love him the same way? Marge was a gem. She became more and more understanding. When Peng came back, he must have noticed the awkwardness I was showing. He did not say anything but continued in his duties.

Marge continued to get worse. Just before she found it very hard to speak, she told me where she kept her diaries and asked me to read them. She had noticed how awkward I was acting around Peng and she hoped that reading the diaries, I would get an insight to what she was asking of me.

My Marge breathed her last on Nov 11th, 1985.

I finished my pint. The memories of sixteen years ago had given me a heartache. I loved Marge. She was a good friend and companion. Her greatness lay in that though she knew she was not the love of my life and that she was not the thing that made my life complete, she was willing to be in second place because she loved me.

I looked at my watch. It was only quarter to nine. Time passes very slowly when one is remembering sad things. My mind fought with itself as the next memories emerged. There are some things one wants to forget, but at the same time, there are the things that one should not forget. Heh! It sounds like something Peng would say.

I don't know how he found out, but John must have discovered his mother's diaries that I was reading in my bedroom. I think it must have been the time I dozed off in bed whilst reading them and he had come in to tuck me in.

All I know is that a week after the start of the new year in 1986, I caught sight of John walking towards the kitchen in a huff. I followed him. He was a hot-headed twenty-year-old. He had the body of a twenty-year-old but could still act like a fifteen-year-old. I was barely at the door when I heard the exchange.

"Uncle Peng, how dare you!"

"Master John, what is the matter?"

"How could you continue to be here? I know that you're a gay man and you're in love with my father. Now that my mother's gone, you can hook him in. I'll not allow you to turn my father into a faggot!"

"Master John, please. I have no wish..."

"I'm not listening to you. If you really have no intentions towards my father, I challenge you to leave. You'll prove your worth by leaving. Don't worry, my father will be fair to you in your severance wage."

Before Peng or I could react, he stormed out of the back door to the garden. I came in quickly and moved to the back door.

"Joe!" Peng called.

That caught my attention; it was the first time that Peng had called my name without the title.

When I turned around, Peng said, "Master Joe, your oldest son is right. I have no more reason to stay here. Your children are grown as are mine. Chang Hwa will be marrying next year. I am well looked after. It is time for me to go back to look after my own mother."

"No, Peng, you can't let an immature man like John chase you away. I need you here. I've come to depend on you."

"Master Joe, by fighting for me, you would only prove Master John correct. The impression given would be that I have you under my influence. It is time for me to leave. Please promise me not to talk to Master John to try to convince him to let me stay."

"Peng, I don't want you to go. Doesn't my wish for you to stay have any weight in your decision? I never wanted to believe it before, but I think I love you."

It took a while for Peng to respond. It took the same amount of time for me to realize what I had just said.

"Master Joe, thank you. You have made me a very happy man."

"Does that mean that you're not leaving?"

"No, Master Joe. I still have to leave. However, you do promise not to talk to Master John, don't you? It is very important that you do not."

"Alright, Peng. I promise. I'm sure that there is another way."

"My stay would not only negatively affect your relationship with Master John, it would also negatively affect another member of this family. For now, Master Joe, please do not contest my decision. However, I will call often to see how things are in the house. Please take comfort that my presence is never far from you. Now, if you would excuse me, there is packing to do."

With that Peng left the household. Suddenly, overnight, there was this emptiness in me. I began to understand what Marge had meant by Peng having a special part of me. When he parted the first time for Reading, I was consoled by the summers he had spent with me. It had the appearance, at least, that he had not gone. When he had gotten married, another person entered my life: Marge. Though she did not take Peng's place, she helped me become the person I had come to be. It saddened me that she was gone and I was not able to fulfill her last wish. I did not want to reveal to him that she wanted me to allow him to stay because I looked upon it as some kind of blackmail. I'd never want to have that kind of hold on him.

With Peng and Marge gone, my life took a downturn. Though I was happy with the calls from Peng to my office, the little glimpses of light did nothing to take away the darkness that surrounded my life. I turned my attention towards my work and hardly spent any time at the house. It was when my nineteen year old daughter, Evelyn (named after my mother), talked to me about which university that she would like to go to, that I emerged from the darkness. My little girl had grown up and I did not even realize it. I did not even know what her grades were for her 'A' levels.

I sat down with her and had a long talk. She had always been close to her mother and did not talk much to me. It was Simon (my youngest son) who was the apple of my eye. After about half an hour, Evelyn warmed up to me and began to tell me about her life. I listened with wonder and gratitude. She was a level-headed young woman, unlike her older brother, who knew the right things to want. She was on her way to medical school. However, she was not one of the really bright students and there were no scholarships or bursaries offered to her. She really wanted to get into Cambridge. She was eligible, but the fees were quite hefty. We discussed at length and came to an agreement. I would finance her whilst she agreed that she would try not to tax my financial situation with John finishing his university and Simon doing his 'A' levels that year.

It was then that I got to know Evelyn well. We talked about my faults at being a father, which amounted to quite many, and the things I could change about myself. Evelyn said that I needed to be more assertive around John. He seemed to get what he wanted from me. It was probably because I had Simon closer to my heart and felt guilty about leaving my first-born out. I was encouraged after my encounter with my daughter that I resolved to have talks with John and Simon.

My talks with John came almost to naught. He reminded of me of my older brother William: very bull-headed and only interested in money. However, he did inherit my head for business, and, combined with his interest in money, would make my grandfather proud that the business would not fail. If only he would be more human, perhaps he would become a greater success. I had discovered that to be really successful in business, there needs to be a certain amount of ruthlessness and an equal amount of caring, especially for the employees. A properly cared-for employee would be loyal and motivated to work for the company. There will be exceptions of course, but I preferred to think of the whole picture than just focus on the exceptions.

I did not have to make a special effort to talk to Simon; he came to me.

"Daddy," he came into the study one day, looking really serious. "I need to speak to you." Though Simon looked nothing like my older brother, his manner was similar to my late brother. He was a really good-looking young man. I had tried to attend his swimming meets when Marge was alive and he always showed his appreciation. Unlike other teenagers, he was not embarrassed to hug me in public, even until his seventeenth year, before his mother died.

"Yes Simon. What can I do for my favorite son?"

Simon blushed. "Daddy, you mustn't say this. John'd be very upset if he heard you say that. I don't like to be around him when he's upset."

"Okay! Okay! I'll not say it anymore even though it's true. So, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I need to tell you some observations that I've made during these past few months. Last year, when mummy passed away, you became withdrawn a little. That's understandable since you were grieving. You became a little more cheerful as the weeks passed. However, you've been very unlike yourself ever since Uncle Peng left. I'd like to know why he left. Did both of you have a fight? If you miss him, why don't you call him to come back? I'm sure he didn't just resign; you had to fire him, right? That's where the logic fails me. If you'd fire him, then it means that he did something wrong that was unforgivable. If it was unforgivable, then it means that you'd be glad that he's not here. But how can you be glad when you're so often in the dumps?"

I listened in amusement at his vocalization of his thoughts. He came straight to the point. I've never heard him speak like that. This issue that he had come to talk to me about must be very important.

"Look Simon, Uncle Peng just decided that he wanted to go home to look after his mother. I couldn't retain him."

"That's not what I heard."

"What did you hear?"

"Well, John ... promise that you won't tell John I told you it was him ... John tells me that it was because Uncle Peng was doing something wrong and you sacked him."

"What kind of wrong thing did he say?"

"He said that Mummy found out that he was gay and was in love with you. You found out about it in Mum's diary and you asked him to leave."

"Oh, is that what he said?" I was getting a little upset because John did not own up to his responsibility for causing Peng to leave.

"Well, is it true?"

"Before I answer you. Would you be adverse if Uncle Peng was gay?"

Simon was clearly taken aback by the question. I could see that he was searching for something to say.

"Look Simon, tell me from your heart. I'll respect any answer you give me. I won't hold it against you."

Simon went pale. He started to stutter, "I ... uh ... I mean ... uh ... that I ..."

"What's wrong, Simon? Are you unwell?" I was getting concerned.

"No, Daddy. I've been struggling with this ... trying to find a way to tell you ... but it's so difficult ..."

"Why don't you tell me just as it is? What's the worse that can happen?"

"Well, Dad ... Okay. I'll tell you as it is." He took a deep breath and the words just spilled out of his mouth, "Daddy, I'm gay. I like guys. I think I'm in love with this guy in school. Part of me thinks it's wrong, another part of me leans heavily towards this. I'm gay, Dad, I'm gay!"

I listened speechless. I do not know what my emotions were exactly when he uttered those words but I do know what I felt when he shook his head and started to cry, "I knew it; I knew it. I shouldn't have said anything. Now I'll probably be chased out of the house..." He started to run out of the study.

"Simon!" I shouted after him. "Don't go! Please come back!"

He turned around, looking at me with his tear-filled eyes. I knew I was not angry or disappointed in him. I was filled with compassion for my son. He had a struggle and he came to me. The last thing I wanted to do was chase him out of the house.

"Come here, Simon," I said with my arms outstretched. "I love you, I'll always love you. All of us have struggles, share your struggles with me." He came into my arms and I hugged him tightly. "Simon, I can't promise to solve all your struggles and problems. But I promise you that I wouldn't turn you away even if I don't approve of what you decide. This much I can tell you: if you need me to be with you in your struggle, you'll have me."

"Thank you, Daddy!" sobbed Simon. I found myself weeping, too. It was a significant moment for both father and son.

When we calmed down, Simon proceeded to tell me about how he discovered he was gay. How he had been always trying not to get an erection in the swimming meets because he would get excited over the almost naked guys. He told of some amusing episodes when he thought he'd die because one of the guys he'd admired had actually come forward to praise him for his swimming skills. Simon had never won a gold. The best he did was the silver but his coach was never ashamed of him because he gave his best and was consistent in his training. We ended up laughing so hard that I had to tell him to stop.

"Please stop Simon. I don't think I should laugh anymore. I may burst a blood vessel at the wrong place!"

"Sorry Daddy. You know, I'm glad that I came out to you. I was so afraid that you'd reject me."

"To tell you honestly, Simon. I don't know how I'd have reacted if you'd told me before your mother's death."

"Why?"

"It has something to do with the original question you asked me."

"Yes, Daddy. Please tell me what really happened."

I told my youngest son what happened. I related the story of my childhood when I first found out that Peng loved me. I told him how his mother had discovered the special relationship I had with Peng. I told him of what his mother made me promise and of what happened between John and Peng.

"So, you see," I said as a conclusion, "Your Uncle Peng chose to leave. I told him not to leave on account of an impetuous young man."

"Do you love him Daddy?"

"There was never a doubt that I loved him. It was more a question of what kind of love. As the days go by, I'm becoming more and more certain that he's the person who'll complete who I am."

"Didn't you tell him that you loved him?"

"I did, but he said that he had to leave for the sake of another member of the family..." then I realized what his words meant. "Simon, I believe your Uncle Peng knew that you were gay. He didn't want to make things anymore complicated than they were."

"Uncle Peng's a good fellow, isn't he?"

"I know for certain that he loves all of us. However, I know his love for me is more than just friendship. I just wished that something was said before your older brother gave his 'lecture'."

Simon's eyes lit up for a moment and said, "Dad, I don't know how long this'll take, but just leave everything to me. I'll get Uncle Peng back."

The pub was getting crowded. It was, after all, a Friday night. I paid for my two pints and then headed out the door. I reached my hotel and got back into my room. After a bath, I headed off to bed.

CHAPTER SIX: FULFILMENT

I awoke at about five in the morning. It was still quite dark outside. I washed up and looked out of the window. It promised to be a clear and sunny morning. This perked up my spirits a little. It was still early and so I continued my journey down memory lane.

I did not know what Simon did. However, I did know that he took Evelyn into his confidence. They managed to get John to see Peng and to apologize. John did not do this reluctantly. In fact, he did it quite willingly. Maybe Simon and Evelyn did make John see the light. John even came to apologize to me. I wanted to ask him what made him see the light, but something in me told me that I'd better not. When I found out that Simon was dating John's girlfriend's brother, I had a fair idea of what transpired.

After the apology, Peng did not come back straightaway. He had his daughter's wedding to plan. His daughter was a computer system analyst. Though she was a very brilliant woman, she did take care of her appearance and she was a very beautiful bride. She married a man from Hong Kong. After the wedding, she was moving to Hong Kong. She had managed to find a good position there on the colony.

After the wedding, Peng came back to the house. Everyone welcomed him. Even John was not hostile towards him. With Peng's help and advice, all of my three children developed nicely. I was initially afraid that Simon might become a transvestite. I didn't mind him being gay, but was afraid that he might become like a daughter instead of a son. My attitude was set straight by none other than Peng.

"Why fear the inevitable?" he had asked. "Fear rather, that you'll lose control of what you can and could have controlled." I wonder where he got his wisdom from. I understood that to mean that if Simon became what he was, I couldn't control it. It was his choice. It was the reaction to his choice that I had to fear. If I did not want to lose Simon, then I had better take stock of the kind of attitude I have towards different people. Wrong attitudes usually caused heartache and pain. In any case, Simon was very straight acting. He was confident with his identity and was not ashamed of himself. He did not flaunt his homosexuality either. I found that Simon had grown up to be a very fine young man.

According to Peng, his last duty to the Chang family ended when his son Chang Foo married in 1991, five months before my little Evelyn became a bride herself. Foo had obtained a doctorate in Biological Sciences at Birmingham and became a lecturer there. He married an Scot, also a doctor in Biological Sciences. They met at a convention a year before he obtained his degree. Peng's instincts told him that his two children would have very stable marriages.

After the death of my sister, Harriet, in 1992, I began to think of the time I had left in this world.

It was in the morning that the conversation took place. I remember it so vividly. My children had left for work and I was taking the day off. John was, in effect, managing the company. We were in the midst of production and so there was no need for me to be present. Simon was already working. He had a position in the bank that I used to work in. Both boys were not coming back for dinner and so Peng and I were to be alone for the whole day.

I was seated at the kitchen table and Peng had just served me morning tea.

"Come and have a cup with me," I invited Peng. He seemed hesitant. "Come on Peng, the children are out and it's just the two of us. We're friends, right? Don't just stand there gawking. Sit down and have morning tea with me. It is lonely and meaningless having tea alone when there's the possibility of having tea with a friend."

Peng smiled and got himself a cup and saucer and sat down across me.

"Life is so fragile. Harriet was still trying to boss old Larry around and she gets a heart attack. Sigh! Life is so fragile and transitory."

"Yes, Master Joe," Peng said softly, "Life is full of little ironies. Sometimes, I wonder if fate is just toying with us."

"Peng," I called out softly after setting down my cup.

"Yes, Master Joe," he answered.

"You're right. Life is full of ironies. There are things that we ought to do which we don't. When death arrives, it is already too late. Regrets will surely follow when we don't do the important and urgent things first."

"Master Joe," Peng smiled. "I do believe that you have just said something my grandfather would have said."

"I believe I just did. I couldn't have been living with the Changs almost all my life and not have obtained some wisdom from them."

"Perhaps it is the way which my grandfather observed things. I have also learnt to observe and to seek out the best possible solution to any problems that appear."

"Perhaps, Peng, you can help me solve a little problem I have now."

"What is it, Master Joe?"

"Marge made me promise to read her diaries and I've been doing so. I've come to discover many things about myself whilst reading the diaries. Marge has observed that I'm not really complete. She'd thought that she was the missing piece, but later discovered that she wasn't. She found out who was the piece missing in my life. Like your grandfather used to say <yuan jai tien pien, jin jai ien chien> (Translation: it seems as far as the sky but it is just in front of one's eyes)."

Peng's eyes widened. He was about to stand up when I said, "Peng, please sit down. Let's not live in secret anymore."

"Please, Master Joe, what you are saying is very serious. You must not take the situation lightly."

"I'm serious here and you'll do well to sit down and listen to what I have to say. Don't start jumping to conclusions."

Peng sat down reluctantly.

"I know that what I'm feeling for you is not what I felt for Marge. This is different and yet in some ways the same. As I reflect on my life, Peng, I realize that you're the reason for my joy."

"What about Mrs. Barker?"

"Marge came along when you were not around. I used her as a substitute. Though I genuinely loved her, she was not you. My life became happy and yet joyless. There was an emptiness that I filled with other things: my time with Marge, my children and my work. However, it is you, Peng, who is the real love of my life. These last fifteen years have been the happiest of my life. Even Marge said so in her diary. I believe now is the opportune time to tell you my feelings towards you. I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow. Harriet's death taught me that much. I'd waited some weeks because I wasn't sure how you'd react but each day, inside me, there's a voice that tells me to tell you or else it may be too late. Peng, I love you; I love you with my whole being."

Peng turned pale. He hurriedly stood up and said, "Master Joe, you do not know what you are saying. If any of this gets out, there will be a great scandal and the shame brought to your family will be very great."

"Peng, I don't know what is considered scandalous nowadays. We're not sleeping together, and I'm not saying we must. I'm saying I love you. I want to be with you. Is there sex involved? I don't know. I've never had sex with a man and I've not lusted after you. But if love includes sex with you, I'm not adverse to that. All I know is that I want to make you happy. All I know is that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Is that scandalous? If that is scandalous, then let it be. I rather endure a scandal than not being with you."

I could see confusion in Peng's place. "Peng, I'm not asking for your answer to anything. I'm just telling you how I feel. You don't have to respond if you do not have one. All I ask is that you don't leave me. You make me complete."

Peng retreated into his shell when I expressed my feelings. Though he did not avoid me, he did not treat me any differently from before. It was as if I never said anything. What amused me most was when I found out that Simon had been having dinner out because he wanted Peng and I to get together. I found that out when I shared my frustration of what was happening between Peng and myself.

He had just come back from work and was looking very tired. Peng had gone out to his daughter's. She had invited him for dinner.

"Simon, welcome back. Have you had your dinner?"

"Yes Daddy."

"You're looking tired. Has the bank been bullying my little Simon?"

Simon smiled. "I'm not so little anymore. In fact, I think I'm taller than you!" He straightened himself and started comparing our heights. "And no, the bank is not bullying me. They are treating me very well. I suspect it's because you have an important account with them."

"Then, you must've had a wild time dancing because you look positively tired."

"Well, I haven't been ... uh ... yes, the dancing was wild." Simon averted his gaze from me for just a moment before smiling and looking back towards me. I knew that it was not the truth. I began to worry. Tiredness is a sign of AIDS and Simon, was, after all, in a high-risk group.

"You're not unwell, are you? Are you keeping something from me?"

"What are you talking about? I'm fit as a fiddle. A little tired, that's all. You can take me to the doctor's right this moment and we'll see if I've been unwell."

"Simon, there's something you're not telling me."

"I'm okay, really. I've got to get washed up. I've an early day tomorrow."

He turned to go to his room, but I stopped him. "Young man, stay where you are. You're going to tell me what's going on." I said sternly.

Simon knew it was useless. He would have to tell me the truth.

"Oh alright! Actually, I've not been working late. Whenever John has a date or an appointment for dinner, I would also try to absent myself from the house. I was hoping that I could give both Uncle Peng and yourself some quality time together. You don't see him much during the day because you're working. So whenever John is not at home, I disappear as well."

I gave a huge smile and ended up giggling.

"What's so funny, Daddy. I hope my efforts were worth it. Have you two got together or not? I started having my meals at restaurants but I knew I couldn't afford it in the long run. I'm now eating fast food and I finish the hamburger in like five minutes. Then I slip into a pub for a couple of pints and waiting for the time to pass before I come home. It's costing me a fortune!"

This time, I started to laugh.

"So, I've said my part. You've got to tell me whether the sacrifices I've made for your happiness was worth it or not!"

I calmed down. "Firstly, my son, Peng is not in. He's with his daughter. I had dinner by myself. Secondly, it's not going to make much of a difference whether you're in or not."

"Why is that?"

I told Simon about my little breakfast talk with Peng and that nothing seemed to have changed between Peng and me. If anything, Peng seemed even more distant.

"This is serious. There must be something we must do."

"We'll do nothing." I said.

"But Daddy..."

"Look Simon, your Uncle Peng is a grown man. He has been loving me from afar, so to speak, for the longest time. All he has known to do was just that. I have thrown the ball into his court and he'll have to take the initiative. We can't force him to make any decisions prematurely. I've said my peace because I needed to tell him. Now that he knows that I know, he'll have to make his decision. I'll wait for him. I've every confidence in him."

"What if he decides to treat you like he has all his life?"

"If that is the way he chooses to love me, I must respect that. I admit I'll be a little disappointed, but at least I know he still loves me. Simon, you know that I named you after an uncle who died when I was just a child. Just before he died, he made me promise not to make your Uncle Peng less than a friend. I have gotten so used to let him wait on me that I almost forgot that he is a friend. Forcing someone to make a decision is not what a friend would do."

"Well, this situation is so frustrating."

"Frustrating for someone standing outside, like yourself? Yes. For me, no. I know that being gay for you has a lot of implications. For your Uncle Peng and myself, I don't even know if it's gay love or not. I loved your mother and I enjoyed physical intimacy with her. If that makes me not a gay, then how do I explain the love I have for Peng? Am I bisexual? What am I? I used to try to put myself into one category or another. Now I'm going to look at it at face value. I love Peng and I know he loves me. If, at our ages, we're going to try to have sex, then so be it. If there's no sex, I can also accept that. But if I'm without him, I know that I'm going to be miserable."

"I'm trying to understand what you're saying. It's a little illogical for me at the moment, but of course, I'm not you. What I'm trying to say is that I'll stand by your decision. But if you need some plan or help, you know you can call on me."

I smiled at Simon. "Enough about me. How's your love life coming along?"

"What love life? I've been busy trying to hook my uncle and father together that I've not been concerned with myself."

"That's not true, is it? You were dating ... now what's his name? He seemed like a nice guy to me."

"You mean Greg? I dumped him eons ago. He was more interested in sex than in a relationship. It took me a while to realize that. I was this conquest of his. He was forever trying to get me into bed."

"You mean that you're still, dare I say it," I teased, "a virgin?"

"Daddy! I can't discuss these kind of things with you?"

"I'm your father! I tell you about my love life. I'm sure you can share something with me."

"Well, Greg never got into bed with me, but we did do other things in the car. That's all I'm going to say."

My tone turned serious. "Simon, I know that sex is fun but I sincerely hope you take precautions ..." I didn't like to hear that my son was sleeping around, but I had to respect him as an adult.

"Now you're sounding more like a mother than a father," he laughed. "Look Dad, after Greg, I realized that there is more to a relationship than just sex and what I call 'popular love'. I know I'm going to get urges and that I'll probably engage in casual sex, but I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum, and I'm not so stupid not to use precautions. You and mummy have been such a positive influence in my life. You have shown me what love can be. Now, you and Uncle Peng are like my idols."

"I certainly hope you're not going to discover for the first time, who your soul mate is when you reach fifty. I wouldn't want you to experience what I've gone through."

"Dad. I love you. I'll live my life as it presents itself to me. I only hope that you'll be a big part of it."

Simon and I adjourned to a small cafe for supper. I thought he needed the nourishment.

My wake up call came. I answered it and thanked the front desk. The sun was already up and I had witnessed the sunrise during my reminiscing. I decided to get washed up.

CHAPTER SEVEN: LOVE AT LAST

I took a long bath and still managed to arrive for breakfast at half past eight. During my breakfast, the couple that had invited me for lunch called me. The front desk managed to locate me in the dining room. They hoped that I could meet them before lunch in the park just across from the hotel. I agreed to meet them and thanked them. As I continued my breakfast, I could not help thinking about how Peng finally reciprocated my love.

The situation with Peng remained unchanged until 1996 when Uncle George, Peng's stepfather suffered a stroke. It was Sunday and the boys and myself were seated at the table, teasing Peng while he was preparing breakfast. The telephone rang and I got up to answer it. It was Aunt Mei. She gave me the news and I informed Peng. I insisted that I accompany him to Reading. We had a quick breakfast. I instructed John to take care of things at the company in case we didn't get back. Then we left for Reading.

I did the driving, knowing that Peng was in no state to drive. We drove in silence until we reached the hospital where Uncle George was warded. Uncle George was partially paralyzed. I sat with Aunt Mei and her family when Peng went in to see him. I could see that the family was shaken up. The family only discovered his stroke when he did not wake up in the morning. Aunt Mei had got up to prepare breakfast as usual and returned to wake her husband up. She found him semi-conscious with one side of his face distorted. She quickly called her son David who promptly called the ambulance. I was introduced to David's wife who was present. Geoffrey's wife was at home looking after all the children. Peng came out and his face was grim. He gave a hug to his mother first and then to the rest of his family. He enquired about the doctor's prognosis, which was actually quite positive. Uncle George would be paralyzed on his right side. However, it would not be permanent if he would come for physiotherapy. Knowing how determined Uncle George can be, I had no doubts that he would recuperate fully.

Peng decided to stay with his stepfather and mother. His mother would need help to tend to Uncle George, who was already seventy-six years old. I could not disagree. This was something that Peng had to do. Uncle George had taken care of him like a father and Aunt Mei would not be able to cope with looking after a semi-paralyzed man.

I was thus left alone when Peng was at Reading. I would take weekly trips up with Simon to see how Uncle George was progressing. At home, I was clearly frustrated because I felt lonely, now that Peng was gone. The frustration changed me a little, I guess. I started to lose interest in my work. I was often thinking of Peng and I did not really get anything done. It was then that I decided to turn the running of the company over to John. He would get full control of the company only when I died. Like my father, I advised him that I was still the owner of the company but as far as operations go, he was the boss.

With John in charge, I was free from the company. I was very tempted to drive every day up to Reading. However, I realized that it was not wise. So I sat at home and moped. The only glimmer of joy was on Sundays when I went up with Simon to Reading. The only person who, perhaps, realized how I felt was Simon. He spent almost every evening with me trying to cheer me up. Every Friday, I would insist that he go and enjoy himself with his friends. Still he would come home at about eleven and see if I was okay.

Peng stayed in Reading for about six months. Because I went up to Reading every Sunday, I knew how Uncle George was progressing. The Sunday that Peng said he would come back, I was jumping with joy inside. Uncle George was already able to sit up and move about. The only problem was his speech. His speech was still a little slurred and he could only speak slowly. Uncle George said jokingly that he had had enough of Peng. He wanted his independence back. On a serious note, he did promise to call if he needed any help.

I tried to be as indifferent as possible when we returned to London. We retired to our rooms early. I was in my room for about half an hour when I heard someone entering my room. It was Simon.

"Daddy," he whispered loudly. "Are you awake?"

I turned on my bedside lamp. "Yes Simon, I am now."

"Good! I need to talk to you." He had a sparkle in his eyes. I knew he was up to something.

"Sit here." I placed my palm over the side of my bed. I was still sleeping in the double bed that Marge and I slept in. Simon came and sat where I had indicated. "Alright, what is it?"

"I was hoping that we could go for a trip somewhere, just the three of us."

"Three?" I asked. "Who would look after the company?"

"Not John, you and I. Uncle Peng, you and I."

"I've no objections but you'd have to ask your Uncle Peng yourself. I've a feeling he won't go."

Simon sat in the bed with a look of annoyance. "What makes you think he won't go?"

"I don't know how I know, I just do. Furthermore, even I know what you're up to. If it's that clear to me, it'll be equally clear if not clearer to Peng. That, by itself, would be reason enough for Peng to refuse."

"You've got to ask him to go."

"It wouldn't work. He'll just ask me to enjoy my holidays with you."

"But he's just finished a very tiring task. I'm sure he could use a break."

"A break, yes, but not on a trip with you and me. I could ask him to take it easy for the next week or so and he'll agree to a certain extent, but the trip would be a definite 'no' for him."

"Do you know that you're quite a spoilsport?"

"Hey, I'm on your side. I'd go immediately but it's not all dependent on me."

"Yes, I know. I saw you light up the moment Uncle Peng said he was coming home."

"I tried to hide my elation. Was I grinning like the Cheshire Cat?"

"No, but suddenly you had that extra tune in your voice. When you got up to help Aunt Mei in the kitchen, you had an extra bounce in your step. Even Uncle George noticed it."

"Oh dear, I hope that doesn't put Peng in a bad light with George."

"Actually, I had a little chat with Uncle George."

"You had what?!"

"Calm down. I didn't say anything I shouldn't have. Just listen before you react, okay?"

I nodded my head.

"Uncle George said he noticed that Uncle Peng was more alive when we came. He told me about how Uncle Peng used to look forward to the summer holidays when he was young. Uncle George told me that Old Uncle Chang, Uncle Peng's grandfather was afraid that Uncle Peng would get too close to you. It was something about the proper relationship between boss and worker. So, the moment Uncle Peng reached twenty, a match was found for him. Uncle Peng married the moment he turned twenty-one. Uncle George felt sorry for Uncle Peng. Uncle Peng had lost what Uncle George called 'his special smile' the moment the planned marriage was announced. When his marriage failed, Uncle Peng had an extra burden to carry. Uncle George loves Uncle Peng, but Uncle Peng has this thing about duty. Duty comes first for Uncle Peng. This burden of duty is the thing that has caused so much sorrow in Uncle Peng's life."

"I knew that Uncle Chang had his own ideas but I didn't realize that it affected Peng so terribly."

"There's more. Uncle George noticed that Uncle Peng suddenly became troubled recently. I asked him when it was. Uncle George couldn't pin-point precisely but if I'm not wrong, it should be around the time you revealed your feelings for him."

"Then ... the burden of duty becomes heavier because...?"

"Look Daddy. If Uncle Peng has this thing about duty, then his present duty is to be your butler. He's definitely happy that you're reciprocating his feelings for you, but that compromises his duty to you. Duty dictates that he's one level below you. Your love's given to one at your same level. He cannot reconcile the levels that he's in. In his mind, he can't be butler and lover at the same time."

"That's easy. I'll fire him. Then, when he's no longer my employee, he can relate on the same level to me." I said. Then it dawned on me that it would not work. "No, that won't work. To him, being fired is a way of saying that he's failed or that he's rejected. I'd only turn him away this way."

"What can we do now? We know why he's acting this way but we still don't know what to do."

I took a deep breath. "Simon, you remember what I said some time ago? The ball'"s in his court. He'll have to make the move. We can only wait and hope."

My youngest child nodded his head sadly. He bid me a good night and went back to his room.

Things went on as they were for about another three months. Then one day, Peng entered my study. I was listening to some music.

"Master Joe, may I have a moment of your time?"

"Of course Peng," I said. "Have a seat." I turned behind to switch off the radio and he was seated when I turned back round.

"Master Joe, it is about what you said after Miss Harriet's death..." He was clearly trying to choose the right words to say. I decided to be patient. My heart was beating faster. Something was telling me that this was the turning point. My hope just soared. I tried to put my feelings under a lid as he struggled to continue. "Master Joe, what you said touched me very much. I have had a deep love for you since we were still children. It has grown over the years. When I first mentioned it to my grandfather, he was not happy. He said a scandal of two men loving each other was going to be the downfall of the Barker family. He forbade me to love you because it would be opposite of what the Chang family should be doing for the Barker family."

He was clearly struggling with his words. I gave a slight smile, encouraging him to carry on.

"When you first told me of your affection for me, I was happy, but the specter of my grandfather's words came back to me. I did not wish to cause a scandal to your family. However, I now understand why you took that risk to tell me your feelings. During my time with my stepfather, I realized that life was short and for us, our life is almost over. It would be a shame if what needed to be said was never said and regrets were brought into eternity."

Peng's hand reached over and held my hands. It was trembling a little. "So Master Joe, I've come to express my love to you, too. I have always loved you with all my heart. There were times when this love was not proper but I never wavered in my love for you. Like yourself, I would wish nothing more than to be with you for the rest of my life."

When he had finished, we had tears in our eyes. As I think of it now, we must have been quite a sight. Two grown men, in their fifties holding hands and crying, not out of grief but out of joy. I stood up and moved over to his side of the table. I knelt down and gave him a hug where he sat. It was like the meeting of long lost lovers, so much to say and yet so little time in which to say it.

We finally broke our hug and we stood up together. Peng, though older than me, was about three inches shorter than I. I looked in his eyes and said, "Peng, my love." My eyes met his and we stared into each other's souls. Then I moved my head lower and he seemed to realize what I was doing. He raised his head a little and our lips met. It was not a passionate kiss, just a light one. When we released each other, I could see that Peng was a little flushed.

"Have I done one of the improper things?" I asked.

Peng blushed a little more. I laughed. We held hands like teenagers and began to talk, not as Master and butler but as friends, close friends. We must have talked for about two hours because we heard the front door open. John was back from work. Peng hurriedly straightened himself and rushed to the kitchen. John liked to have his tea when he returned home. He came into the study to greet me.

"Hi Dad. I'm back."

"Good to see you, son."

He stopped and stared at me for a moment. I looked at myself, wondering if there was something wrong with my appearance.

"Dad, there's something different about you. I can sense it but I can't tell what it is."

"Oh?"

"Yes. There's definitely something different about you."

"I don't feel different," I lied. "When you find out what it is, perhaps you can tell me."

"Well," John said, "the first thing I notice now is that you've a certain sparkle in your eyes that you didn't have before."

Peng came in with a tray. On it was a cup of tea. John took it and thanked Peng who quietly left the room. I suddenly grew angry. I was about to give John a piece of my mind for treating Peng like a servant when I realized that John did not know what had happened just before he came back. If I scolded him, it would not have been fair. He did notice my anger, though.

"Dad, is there something the matter? Your cheerful disposition has disappeared."

"Do you always have a cup of tea served to you when you come back?"

"Yes. Uncle Peng has been doing that for years. I used to do it myself but Uncle Peng insisted. Now I'm so used to it."

"Oh," I muttered. "How's things at the office?" I changed the subject. John answered me and we had a constructive conversation over the state of the company. If John knew anything, he did not say it.

I told Simon the good news the moment he came in from work. John had gone up to wash up. He congratulated me and immediately his mind started to work. He made a few telephone calls and things were set. I made the announcement at dinner.

"It's been years since I've been on a holiday. I'm thinking of going to San Francisco."

"When do you plan on leaving?" John asked.

"In two weeks time."

"Good idea, Dad. Wish I could go but the renewal of two of our bigger contracts are up and I cannot leave the company just yet."

"Well, I was hoping one of you would come along. Simon?"

"I think I can afford it, I haven't taken my vacation yet and it is not our busiest time yet. I'd love to go."

"So Simon, book passage for three to San Francisco."

"Three?" asked John.

"I'm including my childhood friend Peng. He's just finished looking after his step-father and I think he should take a break as well."

"Good idea Dad," said John. Simon and I were surprised. We had thought John would rather have someone to wait on him hand and foot.

"It's time Uncle Peng stopped acting like our butler. We all know he loves Dad. It's time he acted like he did," said John grinning. He looked at our surprised faces and said, "Who did you think got him to talk to you this afternoon, Dad?"

"You?!" Simon and I said simultaneously.

"After my sorry behavior a decade ago, I've been trying to make up for my actions," explained John. "When Simon and Evelyn confronted me, I knew that I'd made a mistake. In my anger, Dad, I failed to see your sorrow. Uncle Peng left immediately after my outburst. It was more than enough proof that I was premature in my judgment. I managed to finish Mum's diaries and realized what I did wrong. I became friendlier to Uncle Peng, talking to him about the company and my relationships with my girlfriends. I found him very insightful. What I couldn't understand was why he didn't admit his feelings for you. After he came back from Reading, our talks revealed many things to me. So last week, I told him that if you'd suffered a heart attack or a stroke and died, he'd never be able to tell you what his heart's been keeping all these years. So today, when I came back, I realized the moment I walked into the study that he'd talked to you, Dad. You didn't say anything specific and so I wasn't too sure. I was sure the moment Uncle Peng walked in with my tea. I never have my tea anywhere else except the kitchen. Uncle Peng would usually wait for me for a little chat. Today, it was different. That gave the game up. I didn't know what you were planning, so I played along."

My heart felt that it was going to explode. My two sons supported me. I was so happy. "That leaves only one thing to be done," I said. I stood up and walked to the door, "if you'd follow me..." John and Simon followed me as I walked into the kitchen. Peng had just finished preparing our meal and was placing everything onto the tray.

"Peng," I called.

He looked up and said, "Yes Master Joe."

I looked at him with a smile and said, "They know. Let's not pretend anymore."

Peng's face broke into a great smile. I remember that smile from my childhood. I began to realize that I had not seen him smile like that in ages and what Uncle George meant by 'a special smile'.

"From today onwards, Peng will no longer be my butler but my partner. He's going to be my partner for life." My two sons clapped their hands as Peng blushed. "My last request of Peng. Please don't call me 'Master Joe' any longer. 'Joe' would suffice." There was another round of applause.

I finished sipping my second cup of tea. Martin and Michael said they would be at the park entrance at eleven. I looked at my watch and it was just half past nine.

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE TRAGEDY

I decided to take a walk in the park. On the way, I had to pass through a row of shops selling foodstuff. It reminded me of the streets of San Francisco we were on four years ago ...

The holiday was a satisfactory one. Simon, in his 'wisdom', had a room all to himself. I wonder if it was because he wanted to leave us alone or if he wanted to have a room for himself. I never did get an answer from him whenever I asked if he had gotten lucky.

We returned and quickly settled down to a comfortable lifestyle. Though Peng was in reality equal to me in every way, he still waited on me. It took a bit of effort for him to accept some waiting from me. Peng had his special smile on almost all the time. Both Aunt Mei and Uncle George smiled knowingly when we first went back to see them after the San Francisco trip. They did not disapprove and so we took it that they approved.

We acted very naturally towards each other. I often had my arm round his shoulder as we walked and talked. Peng was uncomfortable about holding hands, even in private. He'd rather we walk arm in arm or with my arm round his shoulder. Being shorter, he could not put his arm round my shoulder. I suggested putting his arm round my waist, but he was uncomfortable. It was after some coaxing that I found out why he was uncomfortable over those gestures. Amazingly, Peng was quite a chauvinist. He had, in his mind, categorized gestures of women and those of men. Holding hands, for him, was not something done between men, only between a man and a woman. The same goes for putting the arms round the waist. I had wanted to change his ways, but I was unsuccessful. He was a stubborn fifty-seven year old man. For him, we were two men. We should act like men and not like a man and a woman. He didn't have the same idea about kissing though. He politely changed the subject whenever I mentioned it. In the end, I found that I should not be spending time trying to change the man I loved.

Another big event occurred. John married his girlfriend of four years, Gillian. I never found out if she knew my relationship with Peng. If she knew, she did not show any displeasure. It was then that John moved out from the house. I had a talk with John after his marriage. He agreed to let Simon have the house because he had his eyes on a better one.

With John living away, I found more excuses to travel with Peng. We traveled around Europe mainly. Within two years, we managed to visit most major cities in Europe. We were particularly fond of Sweden because of its beautiful mountains and lakes. We even went to observe World Pride 2000 in Rome. There were so many people. Peng and I moved at the periphery afraid that we would get separated. We had fun. I don't know if I have been happier in my life.

I stopped suddenly. I was reaching a part of my memory that was painful. I did not want to remember it. I sat down on a bench near where I had stopped. I looked up into the blue sky and saw a bird flying up into the sky. I closed my eyes and started to weep. The memory was going to present itself whether or not I wanted to remember...

We had just come back from a walk in the park when I saw Peng rubbing the back of his right knee.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes. I think I got bitten by an insect. It is just a small matter."

"Let me get you some cream to put on it," I offered. I went to the medical cabinet and took out a tube of medical cream and gave it to him.

"Thanks."

That was the last I heard of the insect bite.

Two days later, I noticed that he had a slight limp. We were getting ready for bed.

"You're limping!"

"It is nothing, probably rheumatism. I'll put on some Chinese medical bandages."

I was tired and slept almost immediately. I did not notice anything amiss.

The next morning, he awoke very early. I did not see him when I woke. I washed up and got to the kitchen. He was standing by the stove frying eggs. I sat down and started reading the newspaper. I finished a page of the newspaper when I sensed something wrong. I turned around to see Peng trembling a little. I moved towards him and noticed that his shirt was wet.

"Peng, what's wrong?"

"I don't know. The rheumatism is getting very bad."

"Turn the stove off and sit down. Let me do the cooking today."

He turned around and my heart sank. His face was pale with pain.

"This isn't rheumatism. Rheumatism doesn't become so painful. We're going to the doctor."

"Joe, I'll be alright. Maybe I need to rest in bed for a while."

I raised his pajamas up and I saw that his right leg was red, blue and black.

"No, Peng. There is something dreadfully wrong. I'm calling the ambulance."

The ambulance arrived fifteen minutes later. I was not allowed to follow Peng into the treatment room at the hospital. The next half an hour seemed like an eternity to me. I was worried and trying not to cry. When the doctor finally came out, he asked me, "Who is Mr. Chang to you, Mr. Barker?"

"He was my butler."

"Was?"

"He retired recently and now lives with me still."

"We've determined that Mr. Chang is infected by the flesh eating bug. You mentioned that he complained of the pain only yesterday. That can't be right. His infection's more than a day old. Can you think of anything else that happened to his leg in the last few days."

"He did mention an insect bite on his leg three days ago."

"Three days. That sounds more likely." The doctor moved quickly back to the treatment room before I could ask how Peng was.

He emerged another fifteen minutes later. "Mr. Barker, does he have any family living in London?"

"The closest is in Reading: his mother. Both his son and daughter are out of the country."

"I guess you'll have to sign the papers for surgery. I assume he has insurance?"

"Yes. Can you tell me his condition?"

"It'"s very serious. We'll try to remove all the dead tissue and halt the bug by antibiotics. The worst scenario would be that we'd have to amputate the leg because gangrene has set in. We'll need to begin surgery immediately. If you'd follow Nurse Evans."

I followed the nurse to the administrative counter to fill up all the necessary forms. I was then told to wait outside the intensive care ward. The first thing I did was to call up Simon. He had already left the house in the morning when I discovered Peng's problem.

He rushed back home to get me some change of clothes. He arrived and I changed out of my pajamas and Simon brought me to the cafeteria for some food. It was already eleven and I had not eaten.

Peng came out of the operation theatre and the feeling of dread that I felt in Marge's case came back to me. The doctor looked grim.

"Mr. Barker, your friend's condition is very grave. The bug has reached his cardiac muscle. We've managed to treat it, but it's the best that we're able to do. The only thing to do is to wait and hope that the treatment was enough to save him."

"What are the chances of his surviving?" I asked fearfully.

"It's very hard to say, Mr. Barker. Right now it's fifty-fifty."

"When is the earliest we can see him?" Simon asked, noticing that I was about to break down.

"I'll inform the nurse in intensive care to inform you when his condition is more stable. Right now he's on very tight observation and it'd be better if he was left totally with the ward staff."

Simon brought me to a couch nearby and hugged me. I was crying uncontrollably.

"If only I had noticed it three days ago..." I sobbed.

"Daddy, don't blame yourself. You couldn't have known. Pull yourself together. Be strong for him!"

I calmed myself down. "Sorry son, you're right."

Another four hours of waiting passed before the nurse came out to inform us that Peng's condition had stabilized and that he could receive visitors. We went into the room and saw Peng sleeping peacefully. I noticed that the doctors did not amputate his leg, though the limb was about half its normal thickness.

Simon left me alone with Peng to call John. He rushed down and reached the hospital at about six. He came in and placed his hand on my shoulder. I was trying not to cry. John's touch comforted me a little. I was hoping that Peng would recover.

The hospital advised us to go home and return the next day. He was not allowed visitors after nine in the night. Simon called up his family. Geoffrey and David said they would come the next day. Simon managed to get Hwa but not Foo. He left word with Foo's wife. Foo was scheduled to reach Heathrow sometime at three in the afternoon. His wife would leave a message at the airport.

I did not sleep well and got up several times during the night. I got to the hospital with Simon the next morning at eight. I stayed with him throughout the day, whispering into his ears, trying to get him to regain consciousness. David and Geoffrey both came at ten in the morning. Foo managed to reach the hospital at four. He relieved me for two hours, whispering into his father's ears. We asked him to take a break at about six to have his dinner and rest.

Then at about seven in the evening, I remembered that I was telling him how much I loved him.

"Do you know how much I love you, Peng? Do you? I love you very much."

I felt a slight squeeze on my hand. I got excited and started to whisper some more. "Peng, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand." There was a slight squeeze. "Peng, don't leave me, please wake up. I know that our love can bring us through this." There was another squeeze. I rang for the nurse and informed her that he was responding to me. Geoffrey, David and Foo were allowed in.

Foo held to his father's right hand and said to his father in English, "Papa, Uncles Geoffrey, David and Joe are here. We love you, please come back to us." His voice became a little more excited. :"It's true. He is squeezing my hand!" Then talking again, he said, "Papa, we love you. Come back to us. Hang on."

He opened his eyes slightly and I quickly grabbed hold of his other hand. "Hang on Peng, hang on. You'll make it, you'll make it!" The sides of his mouth curled slightly and he turned towards me. He tried to speak.

"Don't try to speak, rest. Get your strength up. You're going to be okay," Foo said. I repeated the same message to him. However, he did not pay heed. He looked at me and tried to move his mouth. Foo urged me to move closer to his father.

I heard the two syllables clearly, "Sorry." I felt his hand tightened around mine. I raised my face to his and saw a tear running down his left eye. Then the alarm sounded.

The doctors and nurses came in and ordered us out of the room. There was a flurry of activity in the room. Fifteen minutes later, the doctor came out, "Sorry, we tried our best but Mr. Chang is dead."

I fell in a daze. I don't remember much after that. Foo, Geoffrey and David took over. Legally, they were family and I was not. I'm sure they tried to get me involved, but I had gone into a state of shock. Simon spoke to them and told them it would be best if he brought me home. I know that if one could hear a heart broken, they would hear two hearts break that evening in the room: Peng's and mine.

"Joe! Are you alright?" a familiar voice reached my ears.

I looked up to see the young fellow, Michael. "I'm sorry. I'm late for our meeting?"

"Not at all. We were early and we thought we'd take a walk before the appointed time. We spotted you sitting alone and when we got nearer, you seemed in a daze," Michael said.

"I was just remembering. Memories can be happy or sad. That last one was sad."

"Are you sure you're alright?" Michael asked. I could detect genuine concern in his voice.

"I'm sure young man," I said with a smile. "Perhaps I can tell you a story that will explain my strange behavior."

"I'm sure Martin and I are willing to listen."

"Then, let's get to the restaurant. I promise an engaging story."

EPILOGUE

I managed to finish my story by the time we finished lunch. This time I told it without getting emotional.

"A very engaging account, Joe," Martin remarked. "I presume your son packed you up and sent you north to Edinburgh to get you away from your grief."

"Not actually. I was depressed and the doctor felt that anti-depressants were not the solution. He told me to get up here and relax. Little does he know that I've been going through the events of my life over and over again."

"Joe," Michael said quietly. "I know how you feel. I mean about someone you loved dying."

"My dear boy, you're just in your twenties, how can you know?"

Martin gave a little laugh. "I think we have a confession to make. You see ..."

"You're a couple," I completed his sentence for him, much to his surprise. "I may be old, Martin," I chuckled, "but I am still quite sharp."

"You may be sharp," Martin continued, "but sometimes you can be wrong."

"Wrong?"

"Well, you're right about Michael and I being a couple. But Michael's in his early thirties. You've given Michael a grand compliment, I think."

Michael laughed. "I don't know whether looking younger is exactly better or worse. Actually, Joe, I had a lover before I met Martin. He was just a few years older than I. He was killed by some unscrupulous people."

"Not only do you look young, you have experiences that are beyond your actual age. Martin must have been instrumental in helping you get over your grief."

"Yes," Michael admitted. "But I think it was also the realization that he wouldn't have wanted me to keep myself in a shell. What do you think your friend Peng would say to you if he knew you were still grieving for him?"

I thought for a moment and said, "I think I know what you're saying. Still, I do miss him terribly."

"Yes Joe, I still miss Jimmy, but life goes on. That would be the best way to honour someone who loves us."

"I do believe you're right."

I was glad to have met those two. After I returned from my little holiday, I found that I could remember Peng without feeling depressed. I am going to honor his memory by living on. After all, he would not have wanted it any other way.

THE END