Patterns of Fate, Chatper Four: Onward, Christian Soldier
====== Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction. It is derived from the author's own imagination, and should not be taken to imply anything about the sexuality of the Backstreet Boys, or any other celebrity mentioned. If reading this material violates the law or your community standards, you should leave now. If homosexual content offends you, then hit the "Back" button on your browser now. The author assumes no responsibility for anyone else's actions, so if you get in trouble or find yourself immensely turned on, it's your own damn fault. ======
"Damnit, Kevin, for the last time, there's NOTHING wrong!" Brian shouted, storming into his room and slamming the door behind him.
Kevin sighed and leaned against the wall, running a hand through his hair. He could not, for the life of him, figure out what had Brian in such a mood. He'd been like this for nearly three months. One minute, he'd just be Brian: off-the-wall, grinning from ear to ear, joking around with Nick... and the next, he'd be sulking, practically glaring at everyone around him - fans and non-fans alike. Even once or twice in a concert, he'd shifted moods so suddenly that Kevin worried that the show might not be able to go on. But Brian hadn't let the fans down - not yet, anyway - and had managed to keep whatever his frustrations were locked away. At least, until after the concert, when he would nearly explode at anyone who came within five feet.
"Damnit," he muttered to himself, staring across the hall at the shut - and probably locked - door. What could it be that was making Brian so angry? It couldn't be his sex life; if the satisfied, but somewhat tired, grin that had been plastered on Leighanne's face was any indication, Brian and her went at it non-stop whenever they were together. Kevin grinned a little bit, in spite of his worries. But just as quickly as it came, the grin went away. If it wasn't his sex life, what was it? Surely he wasn't worried about the future of the group - the Boys were riding high on the wave of popularity, with no signs of falling. Was it just the stress of touring? Possible, but would it be so bad to make Brian snap at even his closest friends? Kevin nearly screamed at the insanity of it all.
Finally, with a muttered "fuck," he stormed down the hall and into his own room, following Brian's lead by slamming the door behind him.
===
Brian curled up into a ball on his bed, clutching a pillow to his chest, and cried.
"God," he sobbed into the pillow, "what is wrong with me?" The past three months had been hell. Three months since his brief encounter with Sean. Three months of a suddenly-increasing awareness of his own sexuality. Three months of torture - both for him and for everyone around him. He had tried to keep it under control - really, he had. But he couldn't hold out forever. Eventually, he just snapped at everyone and everything. The guys and band both had learned to just keep away from him when he was in 'one of his moods'. Even Nick had started to shy away from Brian.
And Kevin.. Kevin was the worst of the lot. Not because he kept away from Brian, but because he kept pushing to try and figure out what was wrong with his cousin. As much as Brian wanted to, though, he just couldn't bring himself to tell Kevin what was really going on. What would Kevin say? What would he DO? Would he tell the other guys? Would he make Brian leave the BSB? And what about Leighanne? Brian didn't want to break her heart. A hundred questions poured out in his tears as he soaked the pillow.
After nearly an hour, Brian composed himself enough to look at the clock. Six o'clock. Nearly time for supper. He sighed heavily, and threw the tear-drenched pillow to the other side of the bed as he got to his feet. Through his slightly blurred vision, he looked down at the Bible on his nightstand. The sight of it had begun to make him dizzy and ill, but with trembling hands, he picked it up anyway. He half-expected it to burn his hands, as though he were a demon trying to play in the holy water. But the Good Book didn't burn his hands, and although Brian dreaded to read the bookmarked pages, he did it anyway. He had read the verses so many times that he could have recited them in his sleep. Yet he read them again, letting each word hit him like a physical punch to the gut. Even though reading the verses made him feel ill, made him want to throw the Bible out the window, he kept at it doggedly. In a way, he felt that he deserved it for having the kinds of thoughts he had.
When he finished, he carefully replaced his bookmark, and set the Bible back down atop the nightstand. He stood up, went into the bathroom, and set about washing up for supper, as though nothing had ever happened.
===
Four of the five Backstreet Boys sat at the table in near-silence. The only sound was the clattering of silverware as the Boys avoided talking about the thing they all knew the others wanted to talk about.
It was Nick who finally broke the trance.
"So. Are we just gonna sit here and NOT talk about Brian, or what?"
Kevin sighed and raised his tired eyes to look at Nick. "What is there to talk about? He won't talk to any of us when he gets like this. Hell, he won't talk to anyone! I even told him that I was going to call his parents if he didn't start sharing, but he just...totally flipped out. I don't know what to do." He sighed again, and let his fork fall from his hand. "But if he doesn't pull out of this... I'm afraid of what he might do to himself."
"No way," AJ said sternly. "Rok wouldn't do something like that. He's no quitter, and he damn sure wouldn't off himself."
Howie stopped staring at his drink, and looked up. "Well, what can we do? If he won't talk to us, and he won't talk to his parents, and he won't talk to Leighanne..."
"He won't even talk to Leighanne?" Kevin cut in, raising his eyebrows. "How'd you know that?"
"I... sort of asked her," Howie shrugged. "Well, what the hell was I supposed to do? Brian's falling apart in front of us, and there's not a damn thing we can do."
The others nodded their agreement.
"We'll finish this conversation later," Kevin said with a sudden frown. "Hey, 'cuz. Glad to see you decided to join us."
Brian pulled out a chair next to Nick, and sat down with a grunt. "Hey, guys." he murmured, running a hand through his hair. "What's for dinner?"
"Burgers and fries," AJ chirped happily, burying his concern for the moment. But he could tell - all the guys could tell - that Brian wasn't alright. If anything, he looked worse than AJ could recall seeing him.
"Sounds great," Brian said without much feeling.
"Better than McDonald's," Nick joked, trying to at least lighten Brian's mood. The attempt fell flat, though, as Brian just stared idly down at his napkin.
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with McDonald's," AJ shot back, trying to help Nick out. Again, Brian didn't seem to notice the joke.
Kevin tried to get Brian's attention by a less subtle means - by nudging him with his foot beneath the table. It took several tries, but finally Brian looked up.
"What?" he asked.
"You haven't said much since you came down."
"Sorry." Brian answered flatly.
The table fell into silence again, with each doing his own thing, ignoring the subject hanging over their heads. When the food came, it was almost a blessing, as it gave the guys something to do rather than not talk. Everyone but Brian nearly dove into the food. Brian only picked at his fries, eating half of one before setting it down and picking up another one. He didn't even touch his burger.
Only five minutes into the meal, Brian pushed himself away from the table.
"I'm not really hungry," he explained, as he stood up.
Nick grabbed Brian's arm and pulled him right back down. "Come on, man... You haven't eaten hardly anything in the past couple weeks."
Brian jerked his arm away from Nick's grasp. "Don't tell me what to do, Nick." he said tiredly, and a bit harsher than he meant to.
"Calm down, cuz," Kevin murmured. "He's just worried about you. We all are."
"Don't start this right now, Kevin," Brian said, and pushed himself away from the table again. "I'm not in the mood."
"We really need to talk about this, Brian." AJ countered. "You've been on edge with everyone. You know you can talk to us, man. We've been through a lot together - we're all friends."
"Yeah, Bri. We're here for ya, man." Howie added.
Brian was less than moved. "What is this? Gang up on Brian night?" he muttered bitterly, before standing up and storming out of the hotel restaurant.
Nick started to go after him, but was stopped by Howie's hand on his shoulder. "Let him go. We'll just make him madder if we go after him."
Nick turned around to stare at the back of his retreating friend. He felt like crying right there. What was it that had Brian so out of it? And why wouldn't Brian confide in him? After all, they were supposed to be Frick and Frack. Inseperable. Best friends. And yet here was Brian, refusing to even TALK to Nick about what was going on in his head. He turned back around to look at the other guys, all of whom were looking at him.
"Don't worry, Nick," Kevin said, as if he had read Nick's mind. "We'll find out what's going on."
AJ and Howie nodded their agreement.
===
Brian found himeslf outside the hotel, walking down the sidewalk as tears threatened to overtake him. But at the same time, he was shaking with rage. How dare they gang up on him like that! Who did they think they were? His parents? Still, the rational part of his brain tried to calm him, telling him that they only cared about him, were just trying to help him. But the ever-increasingly-present voice of his 'conscience' told him that they wouldn't understand - that if he told them anything, he would just be throwing away everything he'd worked for. And as usual, the voice of his 'conscience' won out.
He looked up to find himself standing at the entrance to a park. Sighing heavily, he walked along one of the little pathways, watching several kids running about happily. The sight brought a sad little smile to his lips. He remembered how it was to be a child... Carefree, happy... No worries between one day and the next - not even between one HOUR and the next.
He sank down on a park bench and cradled his head in his hands. Why did things have to get so complicated when you grew up? Why couldn't he be normal, like all of his friends? Where had he gone wrong? Why had God abandoned him? Would his friends do the same, if he told them what he was feeling? What about his family?
With his face buried in his hands, he started to cry.
===
Kevin knocked on Brian's door for what felt like the hundredth time.
"'Cuz? You in there?"
No response, just like there hadn't been a response for the past hour. Kevin muttered worriedly, and looked down at the window nearby. The sun was starting to set. Where on earth was Brian? He wouldn't have gone out on his own without telling someone, would he? And he wouldn't have done something stupid... At least, Kevin prayed not.
He knocked again. "Brian?"
===
AJ sat on his balcony, staring out at the city, just starting to become a sea of lights as dusk settled in. He couldn't get his mind off of Brian. Ever since the Boys and Sean had parted ways after their brief meeting, Brian had been in a total funk. Had something happened between the two of them?
No, that was nuts. Brian was straight - there was just no question about it. He had a girlfriend... he was religious - their little Bible boy.
Of course, AJ was straight, and he and Sean had... Well, but that could easily be blamed on the drinks... and the dancing... Besides, he and Brian were WAY different on their views on 'experimenting'. Weren't they?
Despite his gut feeling, he wasn't so sure anymore.
===
Nick lay in bed, staring blankly at the TV. His vision was blurred from nearly an hour of crying. He couldn't figure the whole Brian situation out, and that bothered him. No, more than bothered him - it scared him. He and Brian were supposed to be best friends; what was so God-awful that Brian wouldn't confide in him? Fighting off more tears, he sniffled, and turned the TV off.
Within minutes, he had fallen asleep, dreaming of possibilities.
===
Howie set the receiver down. Well, he had checked all the hospitals, called the police stations... No sign of Brian anywhere. Which either meant that Bri was fine, or that he just hadn't been found yet. Howie wanted to scream. This whole thing was driving him nuts - Brian wouldn't talk to any of them, Kevin was starting to get jumpy and nervous, and Nick... Nick seemed to be the worst off of them. Howie really felt bad for the youngest member. Brian had always been closer to Nick than to the rest of them, and the two had done almost everything together. He could really understand how Nick must be feeling like hell.
Sighing, he flipped through the phone book. Maybe he could try calling some of the clubs in the area. Brian might have wandered into one of them.
=== End Part 4 ===
Author's Postscript: Yes, another short chapter in the series. Look, I'm really trying, okay? Really, I am! And I know there was no sex in this chapter either, but these things take time. It will come, and it will be worth the wait.
As usual, I welcome all comments (positive, negative, whatever!) and criticisms. Please direct all email to:
AshamanWolf@hotmail.com
Good health and good reading, y'all!
-Shaun (Who, by the time you read this, will be hard at work on Chapter Five)