"Acceptance and Farewell's"
My junior year of high school began like the other years had. New schedule; new teachers and new fears. This was the year that I knew Shelby, Brett, Shelly and almost all of the varsity football players would be leaving. They were seniors. Eric, Adam, Chris, Jim and Derek, my defensive line was going. Brett had solidified his college plans and would definitely be attending Texas A&M. Shelby had also finalized her after graduation plans, and would be going to Southwest Texas State University. I couldn't prevent my thoughts from constantly reminding me of how alone I was going to be. I had surrounded myself with a select group of friends and never really allowed anyone else to pass the perimeter. I set myself up.
Mike was still going to be with me, but he had found a boyfriend and they hovered on the peripheral of my group. I never discussed my feelings with Brett. He had too much to deal with preparing for graduation. Shelby received the benefit of my fears. I loved her and she loved me. She was always there and had been in my life longer than any other.
"Brent, you'll survive. You have changed the perception of an entire class of people here at Ellison. You've proved that you have the strength and I know you have the desire to succeed against all odds." Her voice broke as I sat and listened to her comfort me. We were on the patio outside of the cafeteria. Brett and the rest of the gang were busy taking care of other things. It was hot, but a nice breeze was blowing, sweeping away the humidity that threatened to overwhelm us. "I love you Brent. Did you know that?"
"I love you too Shelby. You've given me more as a friend than I could have asked."
She looked at me and I paused before I said anything else. Her eyes. She was a beautiful girl. A guy would count himself blessed to have her look at him the way she was looking at me. But I never once saw Shelby look at anyone else this way. She was devoted to me. I looked down at the table to break our stare. I saw too much in that look and knew I couldn't offer her what she wanted from me. "You just now understand, don't you?" She asked.
Through emotion strained vocal cords, I confessed. "I think I've always know Shelby. But I needed you and I used you. I've never felt ashamed until this moment." The emotional tide was coming in to shore and threatening to break at any moment. "I can never give you what you deserve, but I couldn't love you anymore than I do. I'm sorry Shelby."
She reached out her hand and placed in on top of mine. I raised my head and looked into her eyes again. "I let you Brent. I wanted you any way I could have you and still do. I'll marry someday and perhaps I'll have children. If I have a boy, he'll be named Brent. I don't know anyone in the world I'd want a child of mine to be more like than you. You're an enigma. You possess everything that a girl wants in a guy and also have everything a guy could want in another. You don't even realize the effect you have on those who surround you. Mike wants to model his life after you. Brett barely touches the sense of self you have; yet he emulates your strength. Robert never had a chance with you Brent." It was taking every ounce of control I had to keep sitting here and listen to Shelby. She wasn't talking about me. She couldn't be. I confessed my fears to her of being alone, and she turns on me and says I'm the one who others gather their strength from? She touched my cheek with her hand and wiped the tear that had fallen away. "All of us who are leaving YOU are the ones who need your support. Not you, ours." A smile spread across her face and she knelt on the ground. She took my hand in both of hers. "Will you be my date for the prom, Brent?"
I stood up and pulled her to her feet. The tide broke and I hugged her tightly to me. Moments like these come very seldom in a teen's life, if at all. She accepted the limitations of our relationship and she wanted to remain my friend. "I'll be your date Shelby," I said as we released each other. I looked at her, "One condition though. When we dance, I'm supposed to lead." We both laughed as the tension of the moment ebbed away. I took her hand and we walked into the cafeteria. Brett was sitting at a table with Shelly, Mike, and Shane (who was Mike's boyfriend).
"Um...Brent," Brett looked at me with a puzzled look and then at Shelby. "From my vantage point, it kind of looked like...um...it looked like Shelby was asking you to marry her." A blush rose in his cheeks and I looked at Shelby, who was blushing also. "Did you say yes?"
"I did NOT!" Shelby was now blushing to the tips of her ears. She walked over to Brett and punched him in the shoulder. "I asked him to the PROM!" She tweaked his cheek and smiled. "And he said YES! Looks like you'll have to find another date." She poked him in the chest with her index finger and looked at Shelly.
"Whew," Brett made like he was wiping the sweat from his brow, "I was worried about how I was going to compete with you Shelby, if you had proposed to him." He offered his dimples up to me, and then looked at Shelly. He took her hand in his and bent to the floor on a knee. "Would you honor me by going to the prom. There's no one whose beauty surpasses yours and I humbly ask that I be allowed to bask in your stunning presence." Shelly's eyes grew large with each passing second, as Brett finished his oration. She looked at Shelby, who's own eyes seemed to be bulging out.
"You better say something Shelly. He's never gotten on a knee for me!" I said and smiled. Brett scoffed at me and returned his attentions to Shelly.
"Of course I'll go with you." She took her hand out of his, but kept a hold of his hand until she had placed it in mine. "Just remember, I get the first dance." Brett looked up at me and pulled me close. Our lips meet in a kiss. He turned to Shelly and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "That'll do for starters." She said and grabbed Shelby. They both walked off with their heads close together. They spared a few looks in our direction as they rounded the commons and out of sight down the hall.
During football season, I played my ass off. Brett was still on the team, but he went through the motions. His enjoyment of the game seemed to have left with the past season. I was on a mission. I had taken both the SAT and ACT. I had applied to Texas A&M and the University of Texas in Austin. My parents and Grand's had each established college trusts for me to attend, but I wanted to see if I could make it on my own. I was building up my scholarship potential. The team kicked ass throughout the year. Derek seemed to be possessed, as every pass he threw seemed to connect. The defensive line held like a fortified wall. The offense performed as if choreographed in every action. We made it to Regional and in the final play-offs, the 1994-95 Ellison Eagles were going to State. We then got our collective asses whooped. Our competition looked as if they were first round NFL draftees and played as well. We lost 34 - 10, but I had played my best season. Once we returned to Killeen, we still celebrated as if we had won the day. In reality we had. We were the first team in the history of the school to make it to State. I had another year to win.
Brett's family and mine spent the Christmas holiday's going between the two households. My father and I were speaking with each other, but only when necessary. Brett's family took his relationship with me in stride. They viewed the whole thing as a phase that Brett was sure to outgrow; therefore, they were biding their time and ignoring the obvious. I bought Brett a necklace for Christmas. The gold chain was strung through the letters in his name, with the exception of a 'n', which spelled 'Bretnt' when read. He bought me 24k gold earrings, to wear in my newly pierced ears. My father almost choked when he found out I had them done. But, even the 'straight crowd' was wearing earrings.
My Grand's surprised me by giving me a new Mazda RX-7. It was the most beautiful car I had ever seen and they chose one of my favorite colors, red. I was given the keys and my grandmother said it was a gift to show how proud they were of me. They were going to wait to give me a car for my HS graduation, but 1995 was the last year that Mazda was producing the RX-7 and they knew I wanted one. So I received my graduation gift early. Hey, I didn't complain. It was bitterly cold this winter, so most of the time, Brett and I spent it indoors with each other. Our bond was as strong as ever, but Brett was beginning to feel a strain on the relationship, because of my own attempts to prepare myself for him being gone to college. I wasn't exactly pushing him away, but I was testing the bond.
School started again after the holidays. Brett and I were imprinted on everyone's lives in the school, well at least the sophomores through seniors. The freshmen were fresh meat, so to speak. They had heard rumors about two openly gay guys at Ellison, so Brett and I made it our duty to displace the rumors, with fact. He lost none of his acting abilities as time went on. I think he actually improved upon them. Our little group of 'non-pops' grew as the year progressed, but this year saw the return of my acceptance into the pops. A new division of the pop's opened to me as I made friends with some of the guys and girls in the band. I knew some of them already, we traveled to games together, and so it was inevitable. One guy stood out and became good friends with Brett and I. His name was Brad; he was a junior, and the leader the band pops.
I was slowly building a new circle of friends, but they would never replace those that were graduating. I wasn't looking for replacements anyway, but I wasn't refusing their company.
Prom night arrived and the final gathering of the NBTL clique would convene. Shelly had graduated in January, or at least she had received enough credits that she didn't attend school. She would be at graduation to receive her diploma with the rest of her class, but she was in effect the first to leave from my circle. The second of the pops group to leave was Derek. He no longer attended school for the same reasons Shelly didn't.
Brett and I planned to pick our dates up and meet in Temple at the Olive Garden. When I arrived with Shelby, Brett and Shelly were waiting in the lobby of the restaurant for us. While we sat and talked, waiting for our meal, Brett kept looking at me. He and I were wearing the same type of tux, both black with an onyx button for the neck clasp. He looked so good in his, that my breath would catch each time he flashed me a smile. I loved him so much, yet I couldn't stop missing him, even when I was with him. Shelby wore a midnight blue velvet evening dress with silver thread that caught the light. An aura seemed to surround her. She was beautiful. Shelly rounded out our little group and out shown us all. She was in white sequin that showed every curve of her body and enhanced the display of her assets. Both girls would cause a guys heart to skip a beat and here they were, with two guys whose hearts skipped when we looked at the other.
We arrived at the prom at around 8:30 P.M. Not the first, but hardly the last to make an appearance. Shelby and I walked in first. I handed the tickets to the girl seated by the entrance and looked around the room. There were about 200 people around the hall and the dance floor looked packed. The lighting was soft and colored lights of blue, red, amber and green played across the dance floor. I felt Shelby squeeze my hand in hers and I looked at her. "Stop that!" She said.
"What am I doing?"
"Your sweating silly and you look like a mouse with a cat in the house." I admit I did have a little bead of sweat running down my left temple. Seeing so many people, and never forgetting they knew more about me than they should, did cause a certain amount of nervousness. Brett handed off his tickets and we four found our way through the crowd to find a table. Derek spotted us and came over with his date. He had a tables saved for all of the football players and their dates. Not even the prom was going to see a separation of past allegiances.
"Hey Brent! You know Stacy?" I looked at his date and said hello. She was a junior and I had several classes with her. Shelby and Shelly knew her well because she was a member of the Emeralds, kind of a performance-dance group of girls that performed at football games. "I've saved tables for everyone if you want to sit with the gang." He turned and looked at Brett and said hi to him with the same offer. Derek always played the diplomat and made sure not to offend our dates by excluding the fact that he had to know that Brett and I were really here together, more so than with our dates. Of course the girls had no doubts.
We chose to sit with the group and took our seats. All the guys that I hung with from the football team were already present with their dates. Eric and Chris were stag, which earned them a raised eyebrow from Brett. Leave it to him to pick up on two guys sitting at the same table without girls. They looked more like bouncers to me than anything else. Brett and I went and got some drinks. When Brett got back to the table, Shelly grabbed him and took the opportunity to have the 'first' dance with her date. We were sitting close enough to the dance floor that we could see all the couples while they danced. I watched Brett, as he and Shelly danced to The Power of Love by Celine Dion. Before the end of the dance, Brett looked over at me as Celine sang:
Even though there may be times, It seems I'm far away. Never wonder where I am, 'Cause I am always by your side.
And he mouthed the words to me. He finished the dance with Shelly and came back to our table. He sat next to me and embraced me in a hug. He released me and looked me in the eyes. We leaned forward and kissed. Our first since we arrived at the prom. No one else existed as we held our kiss. We looked around once we parted and most of the people, who were standing or sitting near us, were looking at us. A feeling came over me as I noticed that no eyes held shock in them. No heads came together in whispers. They simply looked then return to their own conversations.
Brett smiled at me and took my hand in his. We were going to do it. He and I were going to go out on the floor and we were going to dance. To add to this, the song that was just beginning was 'Love The One You're With' by Luther Vandross. I stood up and followed him onto the floor.
"Keep looking into my eyes Brent and I'll look into yours. I want to dance with you and I don't want anything to distract us." He put his left arm around my waist and took my left hand in his right. He pulled me close. He began to move to the music and follow the rhythm. I kept my eyes on his and we moved around the floor. "I love you."
I surrendered to him on that floor and lost any inhibitions I harbored. I kissed him and we held our lips together, in passion, as time passed unnoticed by either of us. When the song ended, we stood on the floor and separated. Looking around for the first time, we were alone on the floor. We had our first dance together and the floor had been solely ours. I looked where Shelby and Shelly sat and they both had tears on their cheeks. I cleared my throat and we walked to our table and sat down.
"That was so romantic Brent." Shelly said. "The way you held to Brett and it looked like you were supporting and protecting him." She wiped her face with a napkin. "God I hope when I have a 'real' boyfriend he shows as much love for me, as you showed for Brett in that dance." I looked at Brett and his eyes were watering.
"What's wrong Brett? I don't understand. All I did was hold you like you did me."
"No Brent. You didn't simply hold me." His voice seemed changed. He spoke smoothly and with little effort. I could hear the love in it. "Your love enveloped me in a cocoon out there and if I had died when that song ended, I would have known that I had experienced the most amazing feeling of my life. I never knew the real power of our bond until tonight." He took my face in his hands and kissed me. "I'll never forget it. I love you." Shelby was openly crying at this point and so were a couple other girls who were sharing tables with football players.
"I love you too Brett. I don't know that I did anything different or showed you anymore love than I always do, but I guess something must have happened."
As the prom continued, I dance with Shelby and Shelly. Brett and I danced a couple more times to some fast songs. I talked to Chris, Eric, Jim, Joe, Adam and Derek. Shelby asked me to dance with her when 'All I Wanna Do' started to play. I took her out onto the floor and we began dancing. About a minute into the song and Chris was dancing with Shelby and I. Then came Eric, followed by Adam and Derek. The last to join was Jim. I was on the floor now, dancing with the very top of the pops. All of them football players. I was in shock, then the song ended and 'Hero' by Mariah Carey began to play. Shelby left me on the dance floor and Derek took hold of me. "Brent, we want to dance with you." He maneuvered me so I could see the guys standing on the edge of the floor. "Will you dance with us?"
I couldn't speak. All I could do was nod. Derek actually held me close as he took his turn with me. "You taught me more in two years than I've learned in seventeen. I won't forget." Adam tapped Derek on the shoulder and took his place. As we danced he said, "You've taught me more in two years than I've learned in eighteen. I won't forget." As each player danced with me in turn, they each professed the same thing, adding their age to the words. This was a setup and when Brett tapped Chris on the shoulder and he took me in his arms he said,
"That's the last time you're allowed to dance with any guy except me. I hope you enjoyed it." He smiled at me and kissed me. "You taste salty."
I brought my hand to my face and noticed it was wet. I had obviously cried while I dance with the team. "I love you Brett." I said. And we finished the last dance of the night and held to each other.
I won't go into all of the goodbyes I said that night after the prom. What had happened to me that night might be hard for the reader to accept as fact? It happened and I could supply names to confirm it. What happened was the acceptance of a gay teen by his peers.
This is the final chapter of Outed in High School. I experienced many things growing up. I'm sure I'll experience many things as I continue to age. High School was a very tough time for me. I started it afraid of what my peers would think of me. I experienced love for the first time with my best friend, Robert, and then experienced the pain of his leaving me. I gave up and decided that I'd keep a wall up and not hurt again. Then Brett asked for my friendship and I gave it to him. This friendship developed into the love of my life. My world fell apart once again when my father discovered our secret. He ripped his love away from me without a thought for how I would feel. My mother showed me her unconditional love and support. At the same time, I faced the horror of every closeted teen in high school. I was outed to the world, or at least what world I'd face daily. I fell and was picked up by my teammates. Brett lent his strength to me and I used it to survive. Shelby lent her strength to me and I took that also. I fought my way through the months to prove that I was still the guy everyone knew before my secret came out. I lost ground and I won ground. Eventually I gained more than I lost and Mike found me on the upswing. He took the stored strength in me and used it to overcome his own weakness.
In the end, the real winners were those who would follow me at Ellison High School. We will never gain approval for who we are as a community of gay/bi men or lesbians. The most we can hope for is acceptance of who we are and the respect we all deserve as human beings. I turned 21 years old on August the 15th of 1999. I fought for the acceptance I won in high school at a young age and succeeded against the odds. I'm no more special than anyone who may read this series. What I did, was take control of my life and experienced my own acceptance of who I am. I refused to hide and run from confrontation. I was forced out of the closet, but if I could go back to the days before all this happened, I would not change a thing. I could not imagine what my life would be like now.
My advice to those who share my orientation or anyone else, who feels different, is simple. Accept who you are first. You'll need the strength of that conviction if you ever make the step out of that closet. If you decide to come out, take baby steps. Don't run out and declare war. Build up the support of those who can lend you their strength. Close that closet door and stand on the outside. There's nothing that compares to the feelings you'll experience.
I'd like to thanks the many people who have written to me and expressed their support. For those of you who've shared your own experiences with me, I'm honored. For those who have read the series, I hope that some of you may be able to gain a bit of strength from my experiences. I'm not super human. I'm you and you are me. We just haven't met yet. Peace in life.
Brent Stewart
P.S. I've gotten requests to do an update to my HS years to my present life status. I don't know if I'll do that yet, but for those that may be interested, I'm thinking about it. ;-P