"Never Again or Not"
Spring Break begins next Friday. As I look back and consider the past four months, I can't believe how much my relationship with Brett has changed. The first night he stayed over at my house seems like years instead of months ago. It seems every waking moment is spent with Brett and I doing things together and I find myself thinking about him even now while I lay in bed. "What's happening to us? I'm being drawn deeper and deeper into an ocean of endless emotions and it feels as if I don't possess a single thought that does not include the two of us."
After making our pact as best friends, the time Brett and I spent with each other increased, to where you'd see one of us, you were sure to see the other. We'd go out on dates with our girlfriends, but never without each other. Shelby and Shelly accepted this turn of events without a single utterance of disagreement. I could understand Shelby; she knew I was gay and we shared a friendship, not a sexual relationship. Shelly is another matter all together. She should have objected to the amount of time Brett spent away from her and the lack of ANY private time with him away from me. Yet, she too gave over and thus contributed to the growth of the deep emotions I currently feel for him. Now when there's a movie playing that we want to see, or when we want to go out and grab something to eat, there's just Brett and I. The girls seem to not even exist outside of school. "Does Brett realize this? Does he lie in his bed and think about what is happening to us? This is beyond a relationship between best friends, it's exclusive of all else."
I looked at the clock beside my bed and the display showed 2:23 and I sighed. Brett and I had spent almost 2 hours on the phone until I finally told him that I needed to get some sleep. That was around midnight. We had discussed our plans for camping this weekend, since it was the last, before our vacations took us away with our families. We were going to leave from school this afternoon and come back Sunday. While I lay, staring at the shadows being cast on the ceiling, I finally decided that the feelings I had for him could not be anything but love. Not a simple love between friends; an overpowering need to share love both physically and emotionally. But could this be possible? Brett. He can't be gay or can he? I should know, but I don't. Never once have I seen any indication from him that would give me a glimmer of hope. Spending every moment together was no indication at all. I can't destroy our friendship by telling him I am. That would be worse than having lost Robert. This is deeper than the love we shared.
The last time I looked at the clock before I finally fell asleep, it was 2:55. Now I was slapping the snooze button on my clock radio and covering my head with a pillow. It seemed only seconds pasted and the alarm went off again. I pulled the pillow off my face and crawled out of bed. I showered and dressed, then went downstairs to the kitchen. My mother was making coffee and I kissed her good morning. I grabbed a bagel and stuck it in the toaster oven and then poured myself a glass of milk.
"So, are you and Brett all ready for your camping trip this weekend?" She asked.
"If I'm not, I'm sure that he is," and laughed. "Do you know something mom? I think this has been one of the most difficult years I've ever had in school, yet I think it's been the best because of all the great friends I've made. You were right. You said I'd struggle in the beginning and then have an easy year." I kissed her again. "I never knew you were so smart," I winked and gave her a huge smile.
"So it's MOM now, huh? I think that's the first time you have ever called me just mom." She looked at me and returned my smile, "I like it."
"Be serious, I call you mom all the time."
"Never Brent, you've never called me mom before this very moment. I never want you to call me mother again, I want to be mom." As she said this, I heard a slight quiver in her voice and saw a misting in her eyes. What the hell is this all about? I thought. Just as I was about to say something else to her, the buzzer sounded from the front gate.
"That's Brett, I better jet!" I kissed her again and told her I'd see her Sunday. As I glanced back in the kitchen on my way to the front door, I saw my mother wipe her right eye as she looked into her coffee cup. There was a smile on her face and I will never forget the moment I first saw my mother shed a tear.
I jumped in Brett's car and we sped off to school. We spent lunch with the girls and finalized our camping plans. They just listened as Brett and I went over the list of items we'd packed, making sure we didn't forget anything essential. When the first notice bell rang, I hugged Shelby, told Brett I'd meet him after school by his car and dashed off down the hall. The last bell of the day rang and I jumped up from my seat and rushed out of class, to my locker, and out the door to the parking lot. I arrived only moments before Brett came running to meet me. It was torture not having a single class with him, except lunch. He hugged me and said, "Lets go!" We piled in the car and off we drove.
Dana's Peak was a park located on the banks of Stillhouse Hollow Lake. In actually the lake was a reservoir that supplied the local communities their water. The park is maintained by the Army Corps of Engineers, just as Belton Lake. Both were major recreational areas for the over 66,000 soldiers and families serving duty at Ft. Hood. Spring had arrived early, like it always did here in Texas. It felt more like the beginnings of summer, with the sun shining brightly and huge white puffs of cloud drifting across the deep blue sky. We arrived at our camp sight and decided we'd swim a while before we did any setting up. There was only a slight breeze and the water looked as smooth as glass. We changed into swimming trunks and dove in. We splashed around and chased each other through the water. Brett liked to dive under the water and come up to grab my legs, catching me off guard, and jerking me under. After about an hour of this, we were ready to get out and lay on the bank to catch some sun.
"Brent, could you go grab the lotion from the car. I'm so white, the least amount of sun and I'll be as red as a lobster."
"Sure, be right back." I ran off to the car, grabbed the lotion and returned as Brett was drying off with a towel. I watched as he used the towel to wipe the water from his legs and then his chest and back. I could see the muscles work as he bent over and twisted left and right to get all of the exposed skin. He was beautiful. His skin was a soft peach color. His legs were dusted with very fine and light brown hair that disappeared as the water was dried from them. His hair still had drops of water, which reflected the light from the sun creating a halo affect. "Hey, here's the lotion."
"Great! You mind doing my back and legs for me? I really don't want to get a sunburn."
"No problem. Spread your towel out and I'll grease you up," I smiled. Brett spread his towel and lay on his stomach. He spread his legs apart at the end of it and used his hands to make a pillow, elbows sticking out in both directions. We were the same height and he had developed his chest and abs over the last few months during our workouts and also from our riding horses. I knelt beside him on my towel. I squeezed some lotion onto his naked back.
"DAMN that shit is COLD!" and he shivered.
"It'll warm up in just a second." Using my hands I spread the lotion over his back and neck. His skin was so soft and seemed to soak up the lotion and give him a shiny look. I added more lotion to my hand and worked it down the back of his legs. Having completed that, I told him it was my turn.
"Wait," he reached behind and pulled his trunks about three inches further down his waist and exposed more skin and about half and inch of the crack, which divided his cheeks. "Put some there, will you? I want to try and get a good tan. It's been so long since I've been nice and brown." I poured more lotion in my hand and started at his left side, working along the line of newly exposed skin. When my hand reached the space where his crack was exposed, my index finger went a little further in the trunks and I quickly pulled it out and finished to his right side. I ran my hand back to make sure I'd given him full coverage and my hand slipped even further down his trunks than the last time, due to the slickness of the lotion.
"Whoa there!" Brett chuckled. "I don't plan on getting THAT much sun bud."
"Sorry," I stammered. "My hands and your back are so slippery, it just slid right on down there." I was also blushing to the tip of my ears.
"Your turn! Lay down and hand me the lotion." Brett took the lotion and waited for me to get into position. It didn't take me long because I hurried to hide the hardon in my shorts from having my hands all over him. "If I don't cum from the first touch of his hands on my back, it'd be a surprise." I thought as I finally settled on the towel. I didn't cum, but I did tense my back and neck muscles when his hand touched my left shoulder. "Shit Brent, your so damned tense man. I can feel the knots in your muscles and see them too. You just relax and I'll work those out for you. My mom says I have expert hands."
He worked the lotion into my shoulders and neck, while kneeling on my left side. When his fingers would probe and touch a sensitive spot, I'd moan and he'd work the area until he was satisfied. He continued this all over my back and down my spine and back up to my neck. I began to relax and agreed with his mother, he had an expert touch. I was so relaxed and enjoying the massage, that when I felt him straddle my body and sit down on my butt, I make a grunting noise. "I need to work the muscles from the spine out, just stay relaxed." He said and I felt his hands start to work again. As his hands traveled up from the base of my lower spine, I felt him arch his hips forward and his crotch pressed into the valley created by my butt cheeks. He'd then rock back and at the first movement of his hips, it felt as if he pressed forward just a little more, causing more pressure on my butt. As he continued working back and forth, I began to feel his cock hardening through the thin material of both our trunks. It would spread apart my cheeks through the fabric just enough to feel it's length and breath, before he'd move back with that slight thrust forward of his hips, then my cheeks would go back together, waiting for the next time he moved up.
Oh my God I can't take this much longer. I'm about to shoot my load if I don't stop him. "Brett?" I spoke his name, but got no reply as I felt him continue his massage. "Brett...dude I think that's enough. I feels great, but if you keep that up, I'm going to cum in my shorts!" I laughed.
"Huh? Um...oh...right," I heard him say as if he had just barely understood what I said. "Whew, I just kind of spaced out there for a minute. So, does your back feel better?" He asked as he rolled off of me and onto his towel, chest down and looking at me.
"Are you kidding? Didn't you hear me? If I didn't stop you when I did, I was going to cum all over myself!"
"Oh your freaking nut! I'm good, but I'm not that good."
"Bull shit! You could get rich from giving massages like that! I know I'd pay!"
"Well, I'll be sure to charge you next time." And he displayed those gorgeous dimples of his to me, along with a smile. I also noticed that he adjusted his hips a little on the towel. I thought I knew why he had just done that, because of the shrinking of his hardon pulling the pubic hair down along with it and them needed to be freed so the swelling could continue to recede. I smiled a knowing smile to myself. "Well, you look relaxed enough. About 20 more minutes and we'd better get the sight set up. I'm getting kind of hungry and we need to cook those hotdogs before long. Sound like a deal?" He asked.
"Sounds great." We lay there on the towels, soaking up the final rays of sun that had moved even father than expected across the sky than when we had first come to tan. I turned my head away from Brett as we lay there and I swore I could feel his eyes on me. "Its nothing Brent," I chided myself. "He was so caught up in the massage and the friction made him hard. That's it. I gave him an opportunity to say more with my comments, but he didn't even seem to be phased by it." I must have let out a sigh and Brett piped up with, "So, we ready to get this show on the road?"
"Yep, I'm ready!" We both got up and folded the towels. I glanced at Brett and only saw a small bulge created in his trucks. He'd lost his hardon and I was glad that I had too. I still wondered if it were possible that he was turned on, not only by the massage, but also more importantly from his contact with me. "You wish," I said to myself and followed Brett to the car to unload our gear.
We managed to set up the camp; pitch the tent we'd share; make a pit for our fire; and start the hotdogs, all in about an hour. The sun had set and darkened the area surrounding us. Crickets were chipping from the grass and we'd hear an occasional splash in the water, more than likely frogs jumping in to catch their evening meal. The stars shown in the sky and the air stirred with a slight chill. We both sat around the fire and talked about next football season and how we were going to be the two best receiver's Ellison had ever had. We talked about anything and everything as we finished our meal. After adding more wood to the fire and cleaning away the trash collected from preparing dinner, we settled down to continue enjoying each others company.
"I need to tell him how I feel. There's no better time to do it then now!" I battled within. "We're going on vacation next week and will be away from each other. He could use that time to come to terms with my feelings for him and hopefully he will accept that I love him and still want to be my friend. I HAVE to tell HIM!" My stomach was full of butterflies as I listened to him talk about the trip his parents was planning to Florida. When he'd finished and was quiet for about 5 minutes, I couldn't handle it anymore and moved to sit over by the tent. Brett stayed by the fire for a good 15 minutes more, and then came over to me by the tent.
"Did I say something to upset you Brent?"
"No... It's just all the talk about vacations and stuff. I don't really feel like going to Cancun this year. We always do the same thing year after year. I guess I'm just...I'm just. I wish we could spend the break together. I don't know what I'm going to do without you to kick around with." I said and looked up at him.
"I really don't feel like going to Florida either. I used to think that getting to see Disneyland would be cool, but now it seems like I'm being forced to do something I know I'll hate. If I could convince my parents, I'd spend the whole time with you. You're the best bud I have ever had." He sat down across from we and just looked at me.
Tears formed in my eyes, as I was overwhelmed with emotion. Here I sat, this macho high school football jock, and in front of my best friend, crying. The tears broke from my eyes and rolled down along my nose. I bent my head to hide my embarrassment. I can't do this. I said never again and I meant it. WHY was I doing this?
"What's wrong Brent? Tell me, please?" Brett's voice had a straining tone to it as if he could barely utter the questions.
I didn't answer him, but continued to shed tears and stare at my lap. Minutes passed and finally Brett broke the silence and said, "Do you want me to tell you what I think is wrong?" I looked up and met his eyes, "I think your in love with me and don't know how to tell me. I think your scared that I will hate you and you'll lose another best friend because I can't handle it." The tears began to flow freely down my face as I stared at Brett while he spoke these next words to me. "Brent, I want you to know that I love you. I've loved you for a long time and I want to stop hiding it from you. Do you hear what I'm saying to you?" He smiled at me and scooted forward to cup my face in his hands. "I said I love you, you fool. What more do you want?" and tears were falling down his face as he stared into my eyes. I moved my face forward in his hands until our lips met. His lips parted the instant contact was made and I felt his tongue slip into my mouth and we shared the tastes of each other. We hugged when our lips broke contact and I spoke softly in his ear, "I love you Brett. I thought I'd never love anyone again. Never again I told myself." I increased the pressure of our hug.
He brought his head from off of my shoulder and we released the hug. He looked at me, "Never again?" and got a quizzical look on his face. I saw the dimple in his cheeks form and knew that his lips were about to form into a smile.
He did and simply said, "NOT!" and hugged me again.
Chapter 12 of Outted in High School, "Never Again or Not", took a little longer to write than I thought it would. I guess I was never the strong one between Robert and Brett, since they both professed their love for me, while I fought for just the right time and words to tell them. Sometimes I think I got off cheap, since they opened themselves up to me and took the chance of rejection. But, I also think that they knew more deeply than I was aware, that I was already in love with them. They gave strength to the words I was afraid to say. As I continue this series, you will learn that very soon my own strength of character and acceptance of who I am, resolves into an overpowering source of protection, not only for me, but for the guy I knew I had 'bonded' with to the core of my being. Comments, whether positive or negative are all welcome and may be sent to me at brent@cutey.com.
P.S. - Hopefully some of you will remember the "NOT" syndrome that seemed to be going around in the mid '90's. When I think back on how many times I'd say something, then follow it with, "NOT!", I have to laugh at what an idiot I must have been. Peace all.