"An Ending and a Beginning"
Part I, "An Ending"
The Friday in October that I had been dreading for the last two months finally arrived. I rode to the airport with Robert and his family. Their plane was leaving from DFW Airport in Dallas and I made plans to spend the weekend with my Aunt Jessie, who lived in Arlington. I was to call her when I got to the Airport and was ready to be picked up. The drive from Killeen to Dallas took about three hours. It was pure hell. Robert and I sat in the back seat of the Airport Shuttle, his parents in the seat in front of us. We did manage to hold hands during the ride, but that was all. We had to hide our true feelings. We talked about how much we were going to miss the other, but never crossed the line of exactly how much. Robert's parents considered our behavior as normal for two teenaged boys who'd been the closest of friends for over 3 years. I wanted to cry; the pent up emotions inside of me were threatening. When I'd look at Robert; those eyes, his face, his lips; my heart was breaking.
The driver pulled into the 'unloading zone' in front of the TWA terminal. The flight didn't leave for an hour, but there was a lot Mr. And Mrs. Davis had to take care of before they departed. A skycap opened the side doors of the shuttle and asked Mr. Davis what flight they were scheduled on. He told him the JFK at 4 PM. We all exited the shuttle and Robert and I broke our hand contact for the first time in several hours. The luggage was unloaded and tagged. Mr. Davis gave the skycap his tip and we headed into the terminal.
"You boys can go to the gate while we check-in." said Mr. Davis "We're going to be a while down here. Dou you have some cash Robert?"
"Yes Sir."
"It's the 4 PM flight to JFK. Just look on the Departure Board for the gate. We'll be there when we're done. Brent, you should call your Aunt and let her know you're in town."
"Yes Sir," I said, a bit subdued, "I guess I should make sure she's home and doesn't go out before she has to pick me up."
We left Robert's parents and rode the escalator to the second story. We checked the Departure Board, the flight was departing from gate 43; we walked down a corridor that seemed to be a mile long. Robert and I were shoulder to shoulder and the urge to hold his hand made my left hand itch. I could tell that Robert was having the same problem; he kept opening and closing his right hand.
"Robert? This is killing me babe. I...just..." what could I say that I hadn't already told him at least a hundred times. "I'm going to miss you," I choked out. We both had to jump out of the way of an electric baggage cart. The driver seemed too oblivious of all the people in his path as he drove the corridor, taking passengers and luggage to some destination single-mindedly.
"I love you Brent. This is so hard. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to scream, but what good will it do?" Robert touched his chest and felt for something. He pulled his shirt away from his body as if he had something grasped in his hand. "Are you wearing yours?"
I reached around my neck and pulled my necklace out and left it to hang in the open. "I have it," I said, "It's all..." a tear formed in my eye and I hurried to wipe it away, "...it's all I'll have left of you when your gone." Robert rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand and looked at the floor as we continued our trek to the gate. My weekend clothes were stuffed in a backpack over my shoulder and the weight of it seemed to increase with each step I took to my final destination. I should have stayed in Killeen, I thought. We should have said our final goodbye last night in private. I looked down the corridor and saw a white and black sign that read 'GATE 43'.
"There's some phones, I guess I should call my Aunt like your father said."
"Ok."
I let my pack drop from my shoulder and reached in my pocket for some change. My Aunt picked up the receiver on the second ring and I told her that I was at the Airport and that Robert's flight was scheduled to depart at 4 PM. She told me that she was leaving for the airport as soon as we hang up. I gave her the terminal information and hung up. "She's on her way to pick me up." I told Robert as I retrieved my pack. "There's a snack bar up ahead. Do you want to grab something to drink?" I looked at Robert and he was staring at me.
"This is it isn't it cutey? In a few more moments it will be all over." A lump formed in my throat as he spoke. He looked around and down the corridor, grabbed my arm and pulled me along in his wake. When we arrived at the Men's restroom door, Robert pulled me in and looked around. There was a guy washing his hands in the sink and was just finishing. He dried his hands and we watched as he departed. We walked around a dividing wall to where the stalls were and Robert pulled me into one with him. "Brent..." he took a hold of my shoulders "...I love you and always will." Our lips met and I felt the wetness of our tears against my cheek. His arms enveloped me in a hug as our mouths continued to bond in what would be our final kiss.
The door to the restroom creaked as someone entered. We heard two guys talking about some business matter or other, and Robert let me go, then our lips separated. The conversation was continuing between our unwelcome guests and it didn't appear it would conclude for some time. "We should go Robert. Your parents might be looking for us." Robert unlocked the stall door and made to open it, "Wait..." I reached for Robert and gave him a quick kiss, then said "I love you too babe," This is it, oh Christ this isn't fair, I thought, "...goodbye babe." And we hugged.
When we came out of the restroom, Robert's parents were just entering the gate area across from us. When his mother turned to look for us, she motioned us over. "Did you call your Aunt, Sweet?" she asked.
"Yes M'ame, she's on her way. She said she'd be here at 3:45."
"She meeting you here or at the TWA check-in?" and glanced at her watch.
"At the check-in."
"Well sweetie it's 3:40 and it's quite a walk back down there. You boys better say your goodbyes. For my part, I'm going to miss you. You've been like a second son and I know Robert is going to be lost for a while without you. I'm getting very tired of the military life and all this moving. I left good friends behind in Killeen." She reached up and hugged me and gave me a light kiss on my cheek. "You be a good boy Brent," and she left Robert and I to join her husband to get the boarding passes.
"Hurry up Robert!" his father called, "they're boarding!"
"Bye Brent." And Robert dropped his head.
"Bye Robert." I saw him standing there and I was not going to end it like this. Deep within me, an overwhelming since of strength and primal emotion broke the binding and I reached for him and embraced him in a final hug. The tears would not be held back any longer and I felt his arms return my hug. The PA announced the final boarding to JFK and I released Robert. I looked to where his parents were waiting and saw his mother wipe tears from her eyes and saw the look of urgency on his fathers. "You better go," I told him and whispered, "I love you."
Robert turned and joined his parents. He waved bye to me, as did his mother, and entered the ramp that lead to the plane. I turned and started back the way Robert and I had walked the last trek of our lives together. I grasped the necklace he gave me in my hand and silently said to myself, "I'll never let this happen again. Never."
My Aunt met me outside of the TWA Terminal. I spent the weekend with her and my cousins. We went to Six Flags and to this new theater, The Omni, which showed a movie that tricked your mind into believing you were actually experiencing the events. The feelings I had for Robert and the emotions I needed to release; I locked inside for good. I'd never let this happen again.
Part II "Beginnings"
After Robert left, I devoted most of my time to football. I had impressed the coach enough, that he moved me to first string as a wide receiver. Shelby and I started the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' routine anew. We'd go out on dates with friends and we presented the perfect picture of Jock and Cheerleader. I loved Shelby as only friends could love each other. She told me once that I provided what she needed from a relationship and I knew she provided the cover I needed to suppress my nature. I hung with the football team at lunch and we were always surrounded by the "pops" which made up those students who excelled in sports or other extra curricular activities that seemed to permeate all high schools. Debbie had found her true love in Tim and remained a part of my group of friends. Steve became a major part of those I chose to surround myself with and we developed a friendship in spite of the shaky beginnings. But throughout it all, I still was missing Robert, and those feelings remained locked inside of me and never surfaced to show the outside world.
The football team was having a great season and I became well known for my abilities on the field, by the students and in the community. Texas is known for it's devotion to high school football and Killeen showed no less enthusiasm and support. Shelby was having a great time making many of the girls in high school jealous of her attachment to me and I allowed her the pleasure. What did I care?
In early to mid-October a sophomore joined the football team. He had moved to Killeen from Germany where his father had been stationed with the army. In a military community, you deal with the transition of arriving and departing families as best you can. The guys name was Brett and when the coach tried him out in football, he was picked to share the other wide receiver position with me. When I first lay eyes on him, the most overwhelming features he possessed were these startling deep blue eyes and even when he didn't appear to be smiling, you could see where dimples would have formed with no effort. I was attracted to say the least, but never again I said.
Before we all knew it, the Christmas break had arrived and football season had come to an end. We made it to Regional, but State eluded us. All in all though, my first football season in high school closed with me well established in the jock hierarchy and secured my acceptance with my peers. I spent the break with my family visiting relatives and doing those customary things that you only did once a year, and only at this. As the break drew to an end, I was looking forward to returning to school. I missed my friends and solitude was not kind to me.
"Hey Honey!" Shelby yelled to me as I walked into the commons area and came running to hug me. "I sure did miss you. You have fun with the folks?"
"Oh yeah," I said in the best country drawl I could manage, "Being back in the woods of East Texas and freezing my ass off always ends to soon for me." We broke our hug as Steve came up to us.
"I'll meet you after school by the car Brent. I have to do some crap for my dad after I drop you off, so I can't be late. Hello Shelby, good vacation?"
"Yep, and you?"
"Too short like always."
Steve's parents had bought him a car and he was now my transportation to and from school. He actually took over the duty Robert had abandoned without me even asking. He showed up in his new car at the gate one morning and buzzed the house. I answered the intercom and all he said was "Hurry Brent, we need to get going! Buzz me in." The rest is history.
"Ok Steve, I'll be on time. See you at lunch." I said and Steve headed off. "Well you ready to go sexy?" and I smiled at Shelby.
"Ready."
She took my arm and we walked off down the hall to her locker. After she gathered the books she needed until lunch, we hugged and parted. I collected my books from my locker and made it to my first class just as the bell rang. I'm sure others use the time when football season ends just like I did. I concentrated on bringing those classes where my grades had suffered, because of practice and away games, back up to where they should have been had I not been involved in sports. Midterms always seemed to come in February and gave me a month to catch up.
Brett had started eating lunch with our group when he started dating a group member. After a couple of weeks of being at Ellison, he and Shelly, a cheerleader friend of Shelby's started dating. This fact caused a slight reaction in me, but again I suppressed it. He's straight, therefore, off limits in more ways than one. Shelly and Shelby were close friends and many times after, Brett and her started dating, I'd find myself double dating with him. We four would go out to eat; go to the movies and hangout at my house or his. We all became good friends and our peers recognized a clique had formed within the "pop's" group. To take matters a step further, many times it was pointed out to our sub-group how funny it was that only one letter separated the guys and one the girls, from each other. In the guys case, it was Brett's extra 'T' and my 'N', and with the girls, Shelly's extra 'L' and Shelby's 'B'. We were now the NBTL clique. NB was Brent and Shelby and TL was Brett and Shelly. My twisted emotions took it further and named the group in my mind as NBTL, 'no body to love'.
I met Shelby outside of her class and we walked to our lockers to put away our books. By the time we arrived in the cafeteria, most of the group had gathered and everyone was discussing their vacations. I saw Brett and Shelly at one of the tables and we joined them.
"Hey you two!" Brett called as we made it to the table.
"Hiya Brett. Hi Shelly. So here we are back to the grind. Have a good vacation?" I asked both as Shelby and I sat down.
"Too short, but boring also. I hate the 'family' thing," was Brett's reply.
"I had a great time myself. We went to my Grand's in upstate New York and there was SNOW! Gosh I wish it would snow here in Texas. I miss it." Shelly piped in.
"I agree. I remember all the snow in Germany when I lived there. I used to love skiing and just playing around in it." I said "But if it snowed here, they'd shut school down for weeks. You remember when we had that ice storm last year?" The girls nodded, but Brett wasn't in Texas so he just listened, "Well, to bad school was out for Christmas or we'd have had a very LONG vacation. The damned city almost closed down." I chuckled at the memory.
"Um Brent...what are you doing after school?" Brett asked me.
"Steve's taking me home, but after that not much. What's up?"
"I needed some help with this Geometry of mine and Shelly tells me you've taken it already. Are you really in Algebra II??"
Oh no, I thought. He can't. "Um...yeah I am, but I don't think I can help you out today. I have to take care of my horse and exercise her. She needs the exercise more in the winter from being all cooped up all the time. I don't know how long it will take me to finish."
"I really need some help Brent. Maybe I can ask my mom if I can stay over if you think yours won't mind. There's this test coming up next week and I'm completely lost in that class. If I fail this, my dad will explode! What do you think? Will that be ok?"
He's just a friend. He needs help, that's all. Nothing to worry about. I looked to Shelby and she nodded slightly, showing her understanding of my thoughts. "Ah...sure Brett. You call your mom and ask her if you can stay over. I know it's not a problem with my parents, so as long as she says it's ok, then well see if I can help."
"I'll go call her right now. Can you get Steve and let him know that I'll drive you home? No need for him to take you when I can. We'll need to go by my house so I can grab a change of clothes though."
"Find out first and we'll make the rest of the plans." I smiled. Brett left to make his call and Shelly got up to buy a coke. I turned to Shelby. "Shelby?"
"Uh huh?"
"I..."
"I know Brent. You don't even have to tell me," she said and put her arm around my neck. "Look, not every guy that comes along is going to hurt you. Steve is a good example. You two are really good friends now and I bet you wouldn't think twice if he stayed over your house, now would you?"
"Steve is different Shelby. He's...um...Steve," I laughed, "Could you just IMAGINE him and I together?"
"NO!" she shivered and laughed with me. "You'd kill each other."
"Exactly my point. Brett and I have a lot in common and I'm...."
"Attracted to him?" I looked at her with a surprised expression, "I'm not blind Brent and no, no one else probably even sees what I do. But I know YOU! I've known you a long time. Just remember that he's dating Shelly and they seem to be very close if what Shelly tells me is true. Of course I thought Robert was straight too, so don't look to me for those answer." Just as she had complete saying this, Brett came running up to the table.
"My mom says no problem Brent. She wants your number though, so she can confirm with your mom." He grabbed a pen and ripped a napkin out of the dispenser on the table. "What is it?"
"Here, hand me the napkin and pen." I took the napkin and wrote my home number and my mother's work number on it and handed it back. "She can try both. That's home and her work. Why are you in such a rush anyway?" He looked like he was dancing in place, waiting for me to finish.
"She's holding on the pay phone and if I don't hurry, it'll run out of money and hang up on her. Be right back!" and he ran to give the numbers to his mother.
Shelby and I looked as he ran from the table, and then busted out laughing. "What's so funny?" Shelly asked as she made it back to the table.
"Your boyfriend. He called his mom and she wanted Brent's mom's number to make sure it was ok with her if Brett stays over. Anyway, he leaves her hanging on the pay phone to come back to get the number from Brent. I guess he only had one quarter." And Shelby laughed again.
Two minutes later, Brett returned to the table and fell in his chair. "Why the hell do they put those phones so far from the cafeteria? I feel like I've run the mile in 4 minutes flat." He said, out of breath from his sprinting.
"To torture guys like you who don't have since enough to bring two quarters to school with you!" Shelly said so seriously, that Shelby and I were on the floor roaring with laughter and Brett sat there with a look of confusion across his face.
Lunch ended with Brett confirming his spending the night and his making sure I told Steve that he didn't need to give me a lift home. Shelby and Shelly hugged us and went off to their class they shared after lunch. I told Brett I'd meet him at his car in the lot after the final bell. As I walked to my class, I convinced myself that I could deal with his coming to spend the night without falling to pieces. Tim had stayed the night at least three times since Robert left and I never gave it a second thought. Of course he slept in a room of his own, just like Brett was going to do. There was too much temptation to follow a pattern that I was not going to let develop. Never again, I thought, as I took my seat in class and concentrated on finishing out the day.