Out of Rhythm Part 3 : Picking up the pieces and solving the puzzle P1
-Xander
"Oh you want me to prove how sexually perverted you are?" I scolded lifting my chin. The banging music in the club was really deafening.
"You know what? You can't figure out people, you're not a fortune teller. And jump to a conclusion like that." Renz said really upset.
I can't trust anyone but me. He is just the same with others.
"Tell you what, If you can last for three minutes and thirty seconds without even touching my lips with yours then I'll accept the fact that you are maybe not the person I thought you were." I dared looking straight his weary eyes. "But, if you can't, I'll consider you as a rich arrogant perverted faggot who hides their shadows on girls then fucks a guy whenever his woody needs to be jerked off."
His face was like ambushed by my phrase.
I felt furious with myself and with him. I wanted him to stop because that is what it supposes to be. "Game on." He said sternly with confused eyes. I grabbed his hands then I pulled him at the center of the dance floor where we dive in a sea of dancing people.
How I wish Renz doesn't fail??.
Confusing?! Yeah I know. Jeez, to be honest I'm starting to get myself into this guy, something that I am scared of. Lemme take you back where we stop. I was so field up with thoughts and I thought this is a good twist of my story?.
"What's this?" I looked at the brochure then looked at my father.
"It's a De-gay camp on the next town. I know you're just confused or experimenting. I saw you making out with girls and what's going on right now is just a phase. Come on, I've been away with you, I'm aware of that, so let me help you now." His voice was somehow sincere but I can sense the fraudness on his words.
"And clearly you're not aware on how I feel about me standing in front of you changing me instead of supporting me."
"Support?" His hands buckled up on the table. He invited me in this restaurant near the our house one month after he kicked me out of our home. "Being queer is something that must not be supported."
"And I am not a computer that can be programmed by a De-gay VCD installer." I shot back.
He tried to relax. "Look, I am helping you avoid all the ridicule and discriminations that you'll be experiencing up ahead. Maybe not now but sooner or later you'll suffer the consequences of your actions. I came here light headed pleading for you to do the right thing."
"And being true to myself is not a good and right thing to do?! I've suffered the feeling of hiding under my closet and pretend to be straight; you're talking as if you know how I feel. I'm not going next town to be De-gay by such hypocrites I AM ME and that's final."
"You will if you wanted to be part of my family again."
"Do you hear yourself?" I wanted to talk further but this isn't going anywhere. I stood up on my seat and walked out on the floor. He grabbed my arm looking furious now.
"You'll regret this Xander." His eyes were piercing.
"What are you so scared of?" I spat.
"What?" People around us started to look.
"Are you scared that because I am gay I will be destroying your reputation? Your face? That other people will see you different because, hey your son is a fag so maybe you too" I was tearing up. "That no one in our bloodline is gay and I am the first one which happens to be your son. Do you think that every time I think about these things it didn't hurt me as much it does to you? It hurt as hell!!!! It's not like I chose to be like this. It just did!!!!"
His face looked away not sure what to say.
I wiped my face hard with my hand. "Don't worry." I said relaxing a little. "If you are thinking that I'll be wearing panty shorts, tubes and wigs with painted make ups, you are wrong. I'm not that. I respect you and myself and I know where I should be."
He looked at me. Dad still felt anxious.
"I won't be fucked up by some random gays or guys. I'll never be in a relationship and probably die alone. " I said looking him with all my sincerity. "And for the record? even things turned upside down you're still my father." I said turning away and rush out the restaurant.
I walked as fast as I could, covering my face with the hood of my jacket. I started to break down again.
I then woke up to reality. Renz arm was wrapped around me while I was lying on his firm chest both of us are naked. I could hear his peaceful breath. I know he was awake because he was tracing a circular motion on my shoulder with his fingers.
I'll regret this day.
I stood up and sat on the side of the bed not looking at him. "Hey good morning." His voice was always as soothing as a soft morning breeze. I didn't respond, though. I can feel my ass sore and barely can't stand up. I wrapped my face with my hand. Renz moved then held my arms disturbed in my silence.
"This shouldn't happen." I mumbled.
"Why is that so?" He asked. I felt bad to myself. Why did I let myself slept with him? Renz has a girlfriend and he was straight. For the second time we fooled around like there is no consequences of our actions. And I barely know him.
"We haven't done anything wrong" He said.
"Yes there is!" I snapped out. He was taken aback. I started to get dress and fixed my things. "You know what; it's nice sleeping with you, Thanks for the night I have to go now." I then rushed out of his condo and took a cab? I just wanted to disappear right now.
-Renz
Xander is a complicated creature if you ask me. First he is there under the rain like he doesn't care if he dies in coldness, then we had sex and next thing I know he is yelling back to me. But even if I'm not sure what is on his mind, I had this feeling that I developed, an attraction that I can't fight with. It's the first time I felt this kind of thing, I never felt it to Trisha, even Mica or any girls I fucked. It was only for Xander. I am with Trisha right, he is snagging at me as we lay on my car in the front of our school. But throughout the whole day, Xander is on my head. It's been 3 days after we had sex. He was gone, I tried to go back and forth on the McDonalds but he was nowhere to be found. The crew said he resigned and no clue where he is working now. Same with the club as if they are protecting Xander's profile there. I could remember the scene when his body lay next to me I embracing him while I trace his perfect smooth shoulder. It was the perfect feeling I felt. And I wanted it to last. "Are you okay Renz?" Trisha asked under my neck. "You seemed disturbed."
I kissed her forehead. "Nah I'm Okay. There's just too much running on my head."
-Clara
I could still remember?..
I knocked on his apartment a couple of times now and no one came. Xander suppose to be home. Today is his day off I'm sure about it. Jacob was carrying a bag of groceries for our brother and I bet his feeling a little strain now.
"Maybe his out somewhere buying lunch." Jane said while he held on the petite cake we bought before we got here.
"He don't go out in the middle of the sun shine especially in Noon. He hated it remember."
"Well knock it harder. Maybe he's asleep." Jacob said.
"Uhm, excuse me?" A man said towards the next door. He was smoking hot, a dark man and a bald hair. If I didn't believe that he is sleeping under this rotting apartment, I would think he was Will Smith with a lighter complexion.
"Ah yes is Xander inside, we have a little surprise for our brother." I smiled.
"Well you know" He scratched his head in frustration. "He kinda been kicked out there." He cringed.
"What do you mean he's been kicked out?" Jane snapped.
"He wasn't able to pay the rent and Ms. Ernie rudely kicked him out."
"Where is he now?" Jacob whispered.
No the question is. Is he Okay right now.
********* 2 days later we got contact to him again with the help of that black guy. I saw Xander walked inside the hall at Mr. Tots. I waved my hands, he saw us. Xander is as a gorgeous man as always, but no one seemed to notice it because he always hid his face with that wavy brown hair. I hugged him so was Jane then took our seat.
I instantly held his hand. "What happened?" I asked.
"Well as you can see I am out of my apartment nut I found another one. Much smaller but better. The ventilation is better too." He said hiding something. Icould see it in his eyes.
"There's something more, you didn't tell me." I said cautiously.
"Are you sick?" Jane said.
"No of course not silly" He smiled. "Its just that All my things were also been taken away to pay my depth and I have to use the money I saved up so I can get another place. That's all."
Jane then get away from me then got to Xander to hug him. He hugged back. I was so sorry for our family to experience this especially to my 18 years old brother. I started to tear down.
He wiped my cheek. "Hey what's wrong?" He asked. "I'm just so mad to dad. If it wasn't because of him you shouldn't be at this situation. You could have been with us staying on a cozy room and healthy foods and big ?."
"Hey, hey. I chose to be like this, and I won't be sorry for myself or for any of you. It hard yes but in the end of the day, I just smiled at it."
"But I felt weak for you. I'm your older sister and yet I can't do anything to help you."
"Well you can help me by handing me those groceries." He joked looking at the bag of foods and supplies.
"Oh yeah" Jane snapped taking the bag to hand it to him. "I brought a full package of masculine skin care so you can still hookup with girls. You a piece of God you know."
"Well the bad thing is I'm so over with girls right now." We laughed "Ah I miss Xanny." Jane hugged him hard We laughed again.
"So where's Jacob?"He asked.
"He kinda guarded the house especially for dad so if he get suspicious he could contact us fast."
"So how dad and mom?" He said lowering his head.
"Oh papa is always been as crazy as always." Jane said rolling his eyes.
I held his hand tighter. "Mom is a little paranoid, Xander. Not because of dads mistress because according to him they are no longer seeing each other. Mom is worried about you."
"Huh, really." He said in a very sarcastic tone.
"She really is sorry in turning her back to you. She wanted to see you. In fact she was the one who bought those things for you. He didn't respond. "One of these days she will be joining us to see you, if that's okay."
He smiled a little. "So what's up." He asked. "Anything new?"
"What's new with you. any guys you care to share with us?" Jane shot back with a smile.
Xander's face turned pale.
"What's wrong?" Both Jane and I aked.
"I.. I slept with a guy." He said.
"So? He's not the first person you had relationship with." I said.
"No it's not like that, We actually slept and had sex. The worst part is I barely know him and he had a girlfriend. I had broken my promise with dad that I'll never abuse myself with this kind of stuffs."
"And how do you feel about him?" I asked. He was startled in my question.
"I don't know he's been always in my mind for the last couple of days and I can't take him off my mind. Maybe because we had sex I'm not sure. And often times he confuses me and I can't concentrate. You know the feeling that you never felt to someone before? But I know he just wanted to fool around. I don't know. And?.."
"Hey relax." Jane said. "If you ask me I think you like him."
"No. Never." He looked disturbed.
"Look Xander, It doesn't care if you are gay or not. We loved you. And we wanted the best for you. And if you think this guy is worth trying even if you just met him a while ago as long as both of you had this thing you called love?"
"Hey I didn't say I love him." He corrected."I didn't say anything."
"Okey what I'm saying is, If he tried to push in a more deeper relationship then why don't you give it a try. Nothings bad will gonna happen. You needed someone in your life and yes maybe we are but not in the future. Don't be scared to open up again. You've been close since you left. I wanted the best for you. And about your promise to dad, what you promise is meant to be broken. You deserve someone to be with and to be loved. Everyone deserved to be loved. You didn't came out because you wanted to be alone. You came out because you wanted someone to accept who you really are and not pretend you used to be."
He smiled. "So how about we stop talking about these things and order some food?"
"My treat." I said.
"You have too." Jane snapped. "We had to celebrate, my older brother Xander Hummelford is official not virgin anymore."
Xander rolled his eyes. We all laughed.
-Renz
I was walking back to my car after I decided to park and stop by a mini mart to grab a soda. My eyes flickered to my side when I was about to leap inside. "Xander." I whispered as I saw him get out on a restaurant with two woman along him. One of them looks like a carbon copy of Xander's feature. They kissed and waved goodbye as they separate their ways. I followed Xander?.
-Xander
Having this conversation with my sisters is such a relief after what I've been through. These couple of days was crazy but their support was such a token for me to go on with life. My thoughts about this made me less aware of my surrounding. I suddenly bumped a guy hard that I made him fall a bag of apples he was holding. I turned to help picking the apples.
"I'm sorry. I didn't see---" My face turned pale as I saw him.
"Xander?" He said surprised.
"Kyrian." I said stiffly. I stepped up, gave him the apples then turned away.
"Wait!" He said fixing the apples inside the plastic bag as he rushed in to follow him. I can picture how idiot he looks even I wasn't looking. I hid my smile under my hood as I didn't look back. He grabbed my arms.
"Come on man, let's talk I've missed my buddy that much." Kyrian said in his pleading tone. I turned back. Kyrian was always as adorable as he was before in those pale white skin, little baby lips, cropped brown hair and gray eyes. "I know I've been a dick head when I throw you out of my life, I was just paranoid about what I learned about you."
"Well next time you get paranoid, how I wish you won't nagged me like I'm a piece of shit and turning your back away when other people started picking me because of my sexuality or when the time that I needed my best friend most."
He shook his head down then looked up with those wet eyes.
*flash backs
I stomped my back on my locker as Brian shoved me back and forth. "Why don't you fight back faggy? Afraid you get a boner when you launched your crotch on me?" The other football jock laughs as the other students just passed by as if they saw nothing.
I looked around as Brian's arm was pinning my face on the locker. I saw Kyrian on the shadow of the stairway looking at me in his frustrated face letting Brian and the other bully me. I let a tear fall on my eyes.
"Oh he's crying, are you gonna call mommy. Oh I bet your mom didn't know you're a faggy chicken." Brian said.
****** "Get the hell away from me." Kyrian scolded. "My friend isn't a queer. I don't want to be in your list that you will jerk off under your sick bathroom."
He then turned back to his house. I grabbed him before he could enter. "Please Ky, it's not what you think. I'm your friend nothing mali-----" Before I could finish explaining he pushed me back making me stumble and fall down.
He made a move to help me but in the same second pulled away. "Kyrian, I'm not what you think I am. I always saw you as my brother and your best friend, not someone who will be by your side because I wanted you to sleep with."
He cringed on the phrase as if he is disgusted. "If you really respect our friendship you should have thought how I feel about this. I feel like I don't know you anymore. I have nothing to say to you."
"Just talk to me please. I need my best friend right now."
"I don't want anyone think I'm gay too so if you are really my friend do me a favor. STAY AWAY FROM ME!"
****** "I'm sorry, man. I really am. And if there is any way that I could take back those words, I would do it."
"How ironic it is, to see you so hurt when a couple of months ago you almost spat right through my face."
He bit his lips then started to sob. "I am stupid. I should have understood you. I am so wrapped in the idea on how others will think about me. It only takes a matter of time when I realize that my humanity isn't human anymore. You never turned back on me even how awful I am. You are my friend, my best friend who is always there when I have no assignments, you were there when a girl broke my heart," He was really melting down across the street and it's kinda embarrassing. "? when I have no one to turn to and, and when---"
I raised one finger. He stopped. "You are so melodramatic as you are irritating you know that?" He pondered my words a little then started to sob again. I rolled my eyes.
"Damn it Xander, do you really have to make me look stupid and rub all my mistakes before you forgive me?" He said with a punch in my arms.
"Aw! Hey it's not my fault if you are a cry baby." We laughed then he hugged me hard like a bear is tackling me, I almost suffocate. "Man I really miss you as in M-I-S-S." I hugged back.
"Turn your back again and I swear I will gut you like a fish." I threaten.
"Never. I will never live you behind again."
Great at least beside my siblings never turned their back on me, my best friend is back. My mom misses me too, to top it all. I think this was a really good day not because I can prove that they were wrong about me but because I finally start to pick up the pieces again. Not to my dad, though. Kyrian and I talked almost the rest of day asking things that we missed when we are apart. Hey, if you think Kyrian is guy I would fall to, you are wrong. He's really is my best friend nothing malicious and sexual, more like a brotherly love who is there to protect each other. We were friend when I am still in Kindergarten and straight as hell. "So what are you planning for the next school year." He asked.
"Well since you said that you'll be retaking some subject which you happen to fail--" He rolled his eye. "-It's because I can't cheat to anyone else except you." I laughed. "But more or less I will enroll this year together with you so we might get stuck with each other again."I continued.
"But you said you've spend all the save money to get a new apartment. And summer is almost over."
"Not all."I corrected. "I'm just figuring out how I will be getting the left money."
He then looked away as if thinking something deep. Please, as if he has brain. "How about you and I work that thing out?"
"How?"
"Well I really have nothing exciting going on these days and I felt blunt. Why would I work where your work, both day and night, then everything I will earn will be part of your tuition fee at the same time we can have time for each other. It's killing two birds in one stone."
"That's a great idea but I can't let you do that. I don't want you to burden it for me."
"Come on It's my only way of making up with you. And I heard you've been rocking your hips on a club every night. I missed tapping my feet so it'll be four birds now in one stone."
He had a point. I smiled. I do missed dancing with Kyrian. He was sick as I am when we are on the floor. "Alright."
"Yeah!" He cheered jumping then wrapping his arms on my shoulder. We walked down the club.