One thing I might do is start to look around for a new boyfriend. This one is useless. He is tired. He is tired of me. I can feel him watching me when we go to work out in the gym. He watches me lifting weights, doing my various stretches and push-ups and crunches. He watches me steadily like he has never met me before and he fancies me - but he is tired of me.
Back at the apartment he ignores me except to bark orders. Get this, get that. Eat this, eat that. Move this, move that. One thing after another. He is constantly on to me. He is so tired of my presence. He ties me up and has me suck his prick. He likes to cum into my cupped hands and then have me drink it up - like I am at a fountain. He pisses into a glass and hands the frothy bitter wine to me with the one word, "There".
He is bored with me.
He sometimes has me go around fully clothed. He tells me "piss yourself" and I do. Then we go out, my wet pants squishing and dripping as I walk. He guides me with one hand, absent mindedly, hardly aware of my presence. Once, in a bar he gave me a glass of beer and told me to go drink it in a corner, by myself, where no one could see me. I saw him talking and joking with people. I stayed where I was. He didn't want me. I stayed where I was. Eventually, it was late and I was frantic, he came over to me.
"Find your own way home," he said.
That was unfair. When I got home he was there with some other bloke, talking and drinking. As soon as I got in and got undressed he told me to go stand in a corner where I wouldn't disturb anybody any more. The other bloke came over and stroked me and fingered me. Perhaps I should go off with him. He was smelly, but he liked me. He stroked my body like I was a girl, all the time breathing in a husky way. He smoked too much and he was over-weight.
"Are you a good boy?" he asked.
"Y - Yes Sir," I replied.
He laughed. Apparently I'd been funny. He went back and said to my boyfriend "ready when you are", and they led me into the black room where they beat me and fucked me.
If I went off I'd look for somebody who really wanted me. Someone who cared for me and wanted to look after me. Someone who was willing to treat me like something more valuable than himself. Someone who didn't care if I was good or obedient or well-behaved. Someone who didn't use me as their piss-pot, ashtray, dogsbody, servant.
I started to look for others. My current boyfriend liked me to sleep in his bed but halfway through he'd kick me - really kick me - and I'd go out of the bed, hide beside it, put on my chain. He liked that. I started to look for a guy who would let me sleep all night in his arms, his arms around me, holding me against his chest, kissing the nape of my neck, breathing softly on me all through the night. I imagined such a man. He would wake before me - Not like now, when I have to jump up as soon as the alarm goes off, jump at the alarm and switch it off before it disturbs him. I have to creep softly into the bed, from the bottom, leaving my chain behind, licking the night sweat off him. Off his feet. Out of his crack. He sometimes turns over with his big hard-on and throws the covers and hits me about the head until he ejaculates into my face. He expects me to be grateful so I go up to his face and kiss him very, very gently so as not to upset him and say "Thank you oh my Master," very quiet so that he can only just hear.
I'd like someone who thought about my cum, someone who cared about whether or not I had an ejaculation, someone who really wants me to enjoy our sex - Not someone who just lets me do what I like just so long as I can always perform my acts of servility for him whenever he wants and who is constantly ready to be abused or fucked.
I looked around at other men. Some men are really pretty and they look at me with a pause, like they'd want to do with me but can't work me out, can't understand me. What is it with them? What do they want? I see them dancing together. I could do that. I see them at the gay films. I could go out with them instead of always with my current boyfriend who always insists on me keeping by his side, silently, and who asks his friends to check me to see if I am still hard like I should be when we go out. They feel me up quite openly in front of everybody.
They don't understand me. They are laughing - not at me, at some other private joke. They point at me. Do they fancy me? I work out at the gym as well.
Sometimes I remember the people I knew before my current boyfriend. They were nice. Gradually I learned more about myself - how useless I am. Then I met my current boyfriend and he made me realise that if I kept quiet and did what he said, and what he did to me, I might be better.
I think that I must be better by now. I lie at the foot of his bed after he had pleased himself into me and wank myself off thinking I must be very quiet. Or else. Then I try again to imagine how I might have a different boyfriend. One who isn't bored with me like this one is.
He tells me he has just been to the toilet with this bloke - this kute muscled bloke next to him, who has a really nice body and very dark sweet eyes. I notice his eyelashes make him appear to be almost sultry, like a man version of a broad, busty and dark from the 1950's. They were in a cubicle, apparently, and wanked off and it's still there on the floor and he wants me to go there and find their cum where it has dribbled on the floor and clean it up. "Eat it," he says.
The kute guy grins, his dick still fat inside his trousers, with my current boyfriend's hand on his hard round ass, and my boyfriend kisses him just below the ear. Well, I don't know how they know. When I come back and take up my position behind them again the kute guy says "He didn't lick it up did he? Did he really eat it?"
Did he want me to disobey him? Sometimes he actually wants me to disobey him. I never know. I'd know if he ever told me. I need someone who can make clear what's going on, where I stand. I have to guess all the time what would please him. He makes me desperate. What can I do? I try never to disobey him. That's the least I can do. If I can find some other friends who don't ... treat me like this.
We were in the car and when we stopped he got out to talk to these people. One of them came over.
"He wants you to get out," he said, "And I'm going to piss in you and then we're all going to fuck you. Not him. He'll watch."
I get out and start to undress but my current boyfriend marches over and just lashes out, he strikes me with the back of his hand. "Not that!" he shouts, "You fucking pile of shit!"
Everybody laughs, they laugh their heads off.
"How can we fuck it with its trousers up?" they laugh.
"Don't be concerned," he responds.
When the time comes he gets the knife out from the back of the car and hands it to one. "Cut them off."
The one with the knife cuts down the back of my jeans and exposes my ass which they all fuck until I am crying with pain.
"I like that," I say spluttering with distress when one of them asks me.
"Do you like that?" he says, behind me, fucking me, he beer breath all over me. "Do you like that, you pig cunt?"
Is that what I am?
He fucks me and then gives me his shit-covered condom for me to drink from. He squeezes his warm salty cum into my mouth like a toothpaste tube.
"This is a slut," he observes.
Would he like me? Would he be a better boyfriend? He asked me a question, like "would I be alright?" Would I be alright if he was my boyfriend? Would he be nice to me? He touched my sore back gently while he was fucking me. I tried to guess if he would take me to the cinema.
"You're lovely," he said. "You really are lovely."
I didn't answer him. I was frightened.
"Hey," he called over to my current boyfriend, "can I have this one. Can I keep him?" He's so hot. So submissive. Such a good fuck. Hot and warm and terrific to pole."
"Yeh," says my current boyfriend.
Is he serious?
"Talk later," he says.
They all drive off. I have to walk home and try to pretend my trousers are alright. I look like I've been raped! What must people think? It's late. There aren't any people, except some drunks and some students and they don't care about me.
When I get home my current boyfriend isn't there but the other guy is. He fucks me and pisses on me all night and eventually leaves and I go to bed. My boyfriend is there fast asleep. I am very tired now and very, very sore. I try not to wake him. The alarm goes off. He is very angry. He has woken up. I start to lick his feet. He kicks me. I hurt my lip on my teeth. I crawl up the bed and stick my tongue deep but gently into his ass crack.
"Fuck off," he says. Then he pulls me away. Then his arm falls over me - I don't move quickly enough and he falls asleep again with me there like that.
When he wakes up I am still asleep. He gets up. I wake up with the noise of him in the kitchen. I get up and run through. Before I can beg him to forgive me before his naked feet, he turns and puts a coffee on the worktop between us.
"Good boy," he says.
When I'm by myself - like, on the train - I look at the other men and try to imagine their penises and how I could serve them. I'm looking for kindlier men.
Once when we were both on the train, going somewhere, I started looking and there was this really good-looking man I fancied. He was wearing a yellow T-shirt and denim. Really cheesy style. He had his hand laid casually across his crotch - like it was casually across there but also like it was cupping his balls and squeezing them, it could have been. I imagined him and me at the cinema together, him and me. So I was staring. He had a beard, but well looked after. He was looking at someone else. He was cruising them. Then they caught each other's eye and they both grinned. Laughed. The guy I fancied shifted his legs a little bit and adjusted himself inside his trousers. The other guy changed seats when he could so they were sitting together and got in conversation. The guy I fancied used lots of conversational excuses to touch the other one. Firstly he poked him playfully with his finger, then he placed his hand on the other guy's leg. The other guy started tensing the muscles in that leg. Then the guy I fancied actually put his arm around the other guy's shoulder and whispered something in his ear and also kissed that ear as he spoke. And the other guy laughed. He was really happy. He looked up casually and put his hand where the back of his hand touched the leg of the guy I fancied. His eyes roved through the carriage and the guy I fancied whispered in his ear. Then that other guy raised his hand and cupped the face of the guy I fancied, stroking the bearded cheek, to draw the ear of the guy I fancied towards his mouth so that he could whisper his reply.
My current boyfriend told me to get out at the next stop. I never saw them again.
I would have liked to be like them, two boyfriends, they were so happy, so cute and so casual.
We got out at the next stop and my current boyfriend stopped me by putting a hand out.
"Here," he said, "wear this."
He handed me a man's necklace made of beads. Blue, gold and black. It looked lovely. I put it on, my hands were quivering.
"You can wear that," he said.
"He put his finger inside it and pulled it tight. "Looks good." Then he went round the back and fiddled with the clasp so that it really dug into my throat. "Looks good."
Just then this young guy I've never seen before jogs up. He ignores me, of course and kisses and jugs my current boyfriend who smiles a big toothy smile and lets the young guy tongue right into his mouth. I look down - as I must when we are in company and I am not required.
"Hey!" says the young guy. "What a beautiful necklace ... thing. What's it made of?" He comes over and examines it and pushes my head round so he can see it properly. "Somebody's birthday?" he asks laughing mischievously.
"Not his," says my current boyfriend, "not mine - so it must be yours. Like it?"
"Absolutely."
"It's your's."
"Wow," says the young guy and removes the necklace from my throat where I can still feel it for some time afterwards because it was digging into my skin.
He puts on the new necklace and punches me in the arm. "Like it?" he says.
I look at him with tears in my eyes.
My current boyfriend must be very pleased.