Hi guys,
This is only my second time writing anything for someone else to read so I'd really like to hear any feedback that you have. You can email me at niftymatty@hotmail.com. Apologies for any errors.
This story will be more romantic in nature and focus on a developing relationship between two teenagers. There will eventually be sex but you will have to wait for it. If you are looking for something more sexual, try my other story or my tumblr: www.niftymatty.tumblr.com
Whilst some of the writing is based on my own experience growing up, parts of it are entirely imagined and anything with any similarity to events in your own lives is coincidental. All copyrights are mine. If you aren't of legal age then it's your decision to continue reading and take the consequences.
------------------- Previously:
Patrick has been settling in to his new school. He has made a few friends and has even faced up to a challenge that all gay boys encounter: the changing room. He has realised how behind he is academically, particularly in maths, but his adopted parents have told him that they will organise a tutor for him. He has been getting closer to one of his new friends, Finn, but also been the subject of what seems to be an odd flirtation from straight boy Harry.
------------------- On the Stage - Chapter five
After the strange experience of my first few days, the rest of the week passed without any major incident. I continued to spend time with Ellen and we were definitely growing closer. Finn and I also shared some more bonding time but I definitely feel like I have to be careful there: I don't want him to start thinking that I have a crush on him or anything like that. It's hard enough to make friends without pushing one of them away by being overfriendly. Harry hadn't done anything else since slapping my bum in the shower; there were occasional winks but he certainly hasn't put his hands on me again.
I don't know if it's my imagination but things at home seem to be getting better too. I think that, after opening up to Dave and Susan about the fears I've had about my academic... weaknesses, we've grown closer together. I'm due to start with my tutor on Monday and I think that that will really help me. Sometimes, it's difficult to feel... ok... and there is a huge part of me that just doesn't want to let my adoptive parents down. I really don't want them to be ashamed of me or, worse, think that they've made a mistake by taking me on. I'd already given up on ever finding a new home and I'm so desperate not to ruin it.
That's why I'm still in the closet as far as they are concerned. The logical part of my brain knows that I shouldn't be ashamed of being gay because, I know, there is nothing wrong with it. I'm happy that Ellen figured me out and, to be truthful with you, I'm even happy that she has no filter and has shared it with the rest of the school. I don't want to have to live a lie but I just can't tell them yet. That feeling is starting to eat away at me though; it feels like I am constantly lying to the two people who have taken such a big risk on me. Sometimes the guilt that I feel when I look at them is overwhelming and I know that I'll have to tell them eventually. I just hope that they will be ok with it and won't hate me for it. There's little I can do about that at the moment though.
So, school is over for the weekend and it's early Saturday morning. Typically, my weekends involve not a lot of anything. While in care, we never went anywhere or really did much and, since being with Dave and Susan, I've not actually had any friends to do anything with so I've just spent the weekends here and hanging around the house. Today would be different. In our last lesson yesterday, Ellen had asked me whether I wanted to meet up this weekend and do something. It was stupid of me but I had tried to make excuses as to why I couldn't do that but I don't really know why. I guess I'm so used to staying at home that I've become a bit reluctant to go out. As you might expect, Ellen didn't really accept that and so now I'm being forced to go to the cinema with her and then to the shopping centre.
Unsurprisingly, my adoptive parents were over the moon to hear that I was going out this weekend and, in their desperate attempt to help, handed me over a significant amount of money. I did try to explain that I didn't need it and that, really, I wasn't planning on anything more than the cinema and a little bit of food afterwards but they insisted that I take all of it and buy myself something if I saw anything that I liked.
Ellen arrived and we headed for the train. Having a station this close is really useful and the trains into town, where the shopping centre and cinema are, come every 30 minutes so it wasn't long before we were sat together in the less than comfy seats and on our way.
"So..." Ellen started, "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
Damn Ellen, you definitely aren't one for tip-toeing around a subject.
"I... err... no. Not really anyway." I replied, already blushing with a deep red showing on my pale cheeks.
"Not really? What does that mean?"
I really should have just said no. A couple of years ago, I'd been in care with another boy called Jack. I was 12 at the time and he was a little older at 13. It was just around the time that I was realising how different I felt to other guys and Jack helped me realise what that meant; he was gay too. We weren't boyfriends although, at the time, I kind of felt like we were. No, we were just good friends but he did introduce me to kissing and confirm for me that it was definitely boys that I wanted to be with. I explained all of this to Ellen and she paused for a few moments while she took it all in.
"So if you and Jack were sharing a room when this happened, why didn't you play around?"
My blush deepened further and I was sure that, if you had turned out all of the lights on the train, the glow from my cheeks would have lit up the entire carriage.
"Ellen..." I moaned, feeling very uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation.
"Oh don't be daft," she laughed, "If you can't talk about these things with me then who can you talk about them with?" She shifted slightly in her seat and put her arm around me. "After all, I'm your best friend."
Honestly, I'm really quite ashamed of what happened next. When I heard her say that, I felt a funny feeling inside and I knew what was coming: I began to shake slightly and I could feel my eyes getting wetter. I tried to stop it because I hate being vulnerable in front of others but I just couldn't. Sat there, in the middle of the carriage, I cried.
At first, Ellen panicked and thought she had done or said something wrong. She apologised profusely about asking me about Jack and assumed that either that or the line of questioning is what had made me sad. When I finally got her to stop talking, I managed to explain that these weren't tears of sadness but that I was crying because, honestly, I hadn't had a best friend since before my parents died. At that, we stopped talking and Ellen just placed her arm around my shoulders and let me have a few moments to finish crying and compose myself. To her credit, she didn't try to talk about it further with me - which was good because I think I might have ended up having a full on emotional breakdown - and instead just moved on with the day.
The area of Ireland I grew up in didn't have any big cities that compared to this and I was really glad of having Ellen as a guide. It sounds daft - a 14-year-old boy needing someone else to help him cope with the city - but if you've only ever lived in small areas then a busy city centre with thousands and thousands of people just feels alien. Clearly, my new best friend had spent a lot of time here and knew the city like the back of her hand. She walked me through towards a relatively new shopping centre that had been established in the city. On the top floor was a cinema and that was our first destination for the day.
The plan was to go and see 'Downsizing' but, when we reached the front of the queue, the staff at the cinema took one look at me and refused to sell us a ticket.
"No, sorry. This movie is a 15. You can come in," the attendant said, pointing at Ellen, "But there is no way that you are even close to 15."
Now, he was right: I'm not 15 but the fact that Ellen clearly looks so much older than me was just annoying. We eventually managed to convince the guy to let us both in to see the new Maze Runner film, a 12A, but he was obviously reluctant to even let me in for that!
"That was completely ridiculous," Ellen said to me as we walked away from the desk, "I know you're short but there is no way that someone could think that you aren't 12!"
"Don't worry," I said, "Everyone always thinks I'm younger than I am. I've just got used to it."
"Yeah, but we don't want guys thinking you're too young when we try to find you a cute boy to date."
A few days ago, that would have panicked me a bit and had convinced that Ellen was going to try and set me up with another random boy but, knowing what I know now about her, I just rolled my eyes and laughed, believing that she was just joking.
The movie was alright but it definitely helped that Dylan O'Brien is drop dead gorgeous and is definitely my type. Ellen and I spent the majority of the movie whispering about how cute he was in different scenes. She had started it but it felt great to finally have someone to talk about cute boys with and not have to worry about what they would think or how they would react. After the movie, we went to Starbucks for a drink and something sweet. Ellen, being the master of small talk that she is, went straight in with another killer question.
"Do you like Finn?"
I played dumb to start with: "Yeah sure, he's a nice guy."
"No," she said whilst rolling her eyes at me, "You know what I mean: do you like him?"
I laughed and blushed a bit: "I guess so - maybe - he is very cute but I don't want to do any of that yet and, besides, he's not gay is he?"
She thought for a moment, "Well... I don't remember him every having a girlfriend or a boyfriend. In fact, I can't remember him even fancying anyone so who knows. But, yeah, you don't have to do anything before you're ready." She paused. "I just think you should know that you're a cute guy and that some people have started to pay attention to that."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I've heard more than one girl complain about the fact that you're gay because they wanted to ask you out themselves. And you know our school has a fair few gay lads so I'm sure that is at least one that thinks you're cute."
I was a bit taken aback at this. I'd never considered myself ugly but I didn't think I was really good looking either. Either way, it was all a bit of a moot point at the moment because I really wasn't ready to start dating anyone and I definitely didn't want to do it before I spoke to Dave and Susan - that just wouldn't be fair to them. Ellen is beginning to worry me though; I asked her not to try and sort anything between me and Finn but she wouldn't promise me. She just said that, whatever happened, she would do whatever she thought was in my best interests. The joking from earlier in the day was gone now and I'm very much getting the feeling that she is going to try and find me a boyfriend whether I like it or not.
The rest of our day was spent just walking around different shops, trying on clothes and checking out the occasional cute boy. It was actually really fun just to spend that time with someone else and Ellen always knew how to keep the conversation flowing. I didn't spend the money that Dave and Susan had given me - I tried but I just felt guilty about spending it and couldn't force myself to do it.
By the time I got home, it was pretty late on in the evening. Susan had saved me some tea to heat up and she tried really hard not to badger me with hundreds of questions about my first 'day out' with my new friend. She didn't manage too well but I was happy to answer anything she asked - steering clear of any mention of boys though. I couldn't help but burst out laughing when she hinted that Ellen might be my girlfriend though. I mean, if I were straight then Ellen would be perfect but, no, there isn't a single part of me that views that as a possibility.
After eating, I made my excuses and headed off to bed. After the week I'd had, I was looking forward to a very long sleep and a lazy day tomorrow.
Thank you for reading the fifth chapter of this new series. I hope you liked it. Please send any feedback, comments or ideas to me at niftymatty@hotmail.com. If you are so inclined, please visit my tumblr: www.niftymatty.tumblr.com