It is such a relief to be out of the hospital. Needless to say, my experience dulled my trust in doctors. I have to keep reminding myself that he was not a regular doctor. That is, not a primary care physician, but the psych doc. How that monster ever got to be in medicine, I just don't know. Dad talked at length about taking him to court, but I convinced him that he got what he deserved and I really didn't want to take it any further. Court might mean having to face him again. However, if anyone wanted to attach some battery cables to his nuts and plug him in, I'd not mind.
Dad decides that we are going to go to Tony's, one of the best restaurants in St. Louis. As it happens, it's just blocks from my office, and the thought of going there makes me a little queasy. I know I have some unresolved business there. Quashing it down, I determine that this is going to be a nice lunch. It's not often Dad treats me to something like this.
At the table, Dad claps his hands together and says "Well, son, what's the game plan from this point on, and if you don't mind me asking, why the sudden shift? I'm a little concerned about bi-polarity, or maybe a touch of manic-depressive tendencies."
"No, Dad, I don't think so. It's hard to explain, but when I was lying there in the bed, waiting for Dr. Doom to hook my balls up (I glance around, but the restaurant is still fairly empty) to the electrodes, there was this bird on the sill. Now wait...let me finish. Anyway, I felt at first like he was staring at me, right? Well, then I realized he was seeing his own reflection and trying to figure out who the "other" bird was. Then, another bird, that looked just like him, landed next to him and gave him a worm. I figure it was his momma or his dad, and I watched them interact, and suddenly, in that one simple act, I realized that life isn't about all of the things that affect is. It's plain and simple biology."
"Uh, son, there's more to life than just breathing." Dad says skeptically.
"No, I know that, but I think what I'm saying is that, well, the parent bird's purpose, at least at that moment, was to provide for his child -- the baby bird -- and that was the most important thing at that moment. And I stared at the parent bird for the moment he stayed there, and I thought, you know, that bird just took time to get the baby a meal, even though it can clearly fly on its own."
I stop, trying to figure out how to explain further. Dad and Uncle Bob exchange glances.
"I'm not crazy...there is a point to this story" I say laughing. "I guess what I'm trying to get to is that the parent bird didn't have to feed the baby. The baby is almost fully grown, and it could fly, obviously, since I wasn't on the ground floor. And yet, he CHOSE to do that. And when I thought about it, I suddenly remembered a quote by that actress...oh, that Silkwood dame....Meryl Streep...in a movie she said "We are the choices we make." And it hit me. I could either wallow in despair and let one, ok three, sour relationships ruin my life, or I could pick myself up, brush the dust from my clothes, and make my life into what I want it to be."
I stop, taking a deep breath. I look expectantly into their eyes. Dad is thoughtful, Uncle Bob is trying not to laugh. I could make that man laugh if I cut my arm off and said "oh look, I'm stumpy now." I've always amused him.
"Jesse, I think that is the most clear thinking I've heard from you for a few months now." Dad says, proudly.
"Thanks, Dad. For the first time in my life, especially lately, I just feel so....empowered...to take control of my life. I don't have to answer to Leslie, or Scott, or my boss, or you, or Mom..."
Dad interrupts me to joke "Well, your MOM...you'd better!"
We laugh.
"Seriously, Jess, you DO have that ability. You always have. Your brother has always been the go-getter. You can do the same and do whatever you want." Dad advises, and for the first time in my life, being reminded of my brothers remarkable capabilities doesn't get me angry.
"So, what's the immediate game plan? I assume you won't be going back to Scott's?" Dad asks.
Scott. I forgot all about him. And what was the deal with him sending that note?
"Well, I need to get my stuff. Do you think we could do that this afternoon? Then I need to find a place to stay, and no, I don't want to move in with you and Mom. I love you both, but it's high time I stand on my own two feet. Trouble is, I don't know if I have a job." I say.
"Tell you what, we'll get your stuff, find you a place, and Mom and I will take care of it until you get on your feet. You know you can work in the firm."
"Dad, no. You know I don't want to be a secretary or whatever they're called now. I need to just find my own job. AND, if you do help me with the money, I insist on paying it back, and none of this "oh just forget about it" stuff, either!"
"Deal." Dad says. He's not one to mess around with negotiations. Car salesmen hate working with him because he sets his mind and sticks to it.
After lunch, I page Scott, as he instructed. We drive over to Josh's to borrow his Tahoe, and then go to the apartment. It's hard to enter there again. As promised, it is empty...no one's home. It seems like an eternity since I was here last, when actually it was only a day or two. Since my stuff is pretty much limited to my bedroom, we pack up easily the stuff on the walls, on shelves, and so forth. Uncle Bob came along to help, which turned out good since we decided we better get a small U-Haul too. We pack up everything, leaving the spare bedroom empty. I take my key off the ring, taping it to a piece of paper and leaving it on the table. I then lock the doorknob, so no one can enter, and close the door behind me, effectively and metaphorically closing the Scott chapter in my life. And despite the fact that I know I'll miss him, I am not that unhappy to close it off. In spite of it all, he was a good friend. Checking to make sure the door can't be opened without a key, I walk out of the apartment.
"Hey, genious" Dad ribs, "Where exactly are we going to go with this stuff?"
"Aaaasshole!" I say jokingly. Dad laughs. "I'm not sure. Can we put it in your basement until I find a place? I just wanted to get this part over with."
Dad thinks, and says "Yeah, I think your mother and I can deal with your crap for a couple of days or so." My dad, the kidder.
We drive home and Mom is frantically trying to get me to just move in. She doesn't look good, which I know was because she was so worried and upset over recent events. I reassure her that I'm going to be fine and promise that I'll never do that again to her. Mom handles different situations differently. Her absence from my hospitalization wasn't so much because she didn't care, but that she has trouble with dealing with certain situations. I could be dying of cancer and she'd be right next to me the entire time, but mental issues have always made her very uncomfortable. It has something to do with her childhood, and Josh and I never pressed to find out what that was. My reassurances seem to ease her troubled heart, and within the hour, she's humming and puttering around the house. Mom knows we're good to our word.
I give Leslie a call, to find out if maybe she knows someone needing a roommate or has an apartment to rent...or even a room!
"Jesse! You are in luck! There's a guy I know who says they are needing a third roommate. He's a friend of Jonathan's. Anyway, it's 1/3 share in everything. They live over by Forest Park, in that nice "yuppie" area. I'm sure it's a nice place, and let's just say, you'd fit in nicely." She laughs, but not hatefully.
"Oh yeah? The guy's gay, huh?" I ask.
"Yeah, but I should tell you, they're "together"...as in they want a platonic situation."
"Oh, well, that's actually better, then!" I say, encouraged. After all, I don't have furniture for an entire place....just my bedroom furniture, my computer furniture, a TV, and a stereo system. What more could a guy need?
"Great! His name is Jamie Watson, and his number is..." and she rattles of the phone number, which I quickly memorize. I have a thing about phone numbers and dates. I can memorize them instantly.
"Thanks, Leslie...I owe you one!"
We say our goodbyes, and I call Jamie right away. Immediately we hit it off over the phone and agree to meet later for dinner to get to know each other and see the place before I decide. I have to admit that the situation is perfect: my own room, my own bathroom, access to the kitchen of course, we all share the living area, and they are not looking for a threesome, and expect that to be the way things are to be. Plus, they're gay so that'll help me get "in" to the community and help me learn more about myself.
I take the time to call Daniel, my boss, and find out what I need to do to keep my job.
"Well, Jesse, I told you before that I didn't accept your resignation. But, we do need to talk about a performance improvement plan, and I need to know that you're getting help for your problems. That aside, welcome back. I really don't want to lose you."
I agree to his terms, and we agree that I should just return on Monday so I can get my life back in order. And luckily he mentioned getting help. I pull Dr. Riley's number from my pocket and dial the office number. A pleasant lady, Nancy, answers the phone and we set up an appointment for first thing in the morning. Apparently they were waiting for my call. I mentally check that off my list of things to do.
A long last, 5:00 rolls around, and I head out to the Pasta House in the Central West End, where Jamie and I agreed to meet. Traffic is with me, so I get there early, and ask for a table for 3, instructing the hostess that my party should be here soon. As I sit and peruse the menu, I notice a lot of pairs of men, and a few pairs of women. Clearly I'm in Gayville. I mentally chuckle and think to myself 'I've arrived!'. I decide on what I'll order, but keep the menu open just to keep from looking like I'm checking out the action...which is of course what I'm doing. Ten minutes later, a couple of guys approach my table.
"Jesse? I'm Jamie Watson, and this is my partner, Rob Peters." We all shake hands then take our seats. Jamie is your average professor-type guy. Good looking, a little bit of a gut, but not much. Rob is clearly the boy toy. I'd guess Jamie to be about 42, and Rob about 28.
"So, how long have you guys been together?" I ask, trying to make conversation.
"Oh, what is it, babe, about four years now?" Rob says. Jamie concurs.
"Cool! I'm kind of new to the scene, as it were, and please excuse the cliche. I was married until about six months ago when my wife decided for me that I'm gay and divorced me." I say.
"Oh, man, that sucks." Jamie says.
"Well, it's not so bad. I guess I knew all along, but was in some serious denial. Anyway, she and I are friends now, and it's probably for the best. She's got a new boyfriend, and he seems really nice, and he was really nice to me, even though I'm the "ex"".
We make small talk, getting to know each other, through the rest of the meal. Rob is a nurse with Barnes Hospital, working on the cardiac unit. Jamie is a professor, and works in the school of medicine, teaching Chemistry and some other science classes. I give them some of the details of my life, like that I work for the telecommunications industry, and work downtown, and I conveniently leave out some of the details of my recent past.
"Downtown, huh? Well, the good news is Metrolink is just like a few blocks' walk, so you can save some money on parking!" Jamie says. Metrolink is our light-rail transportation system.
"Awesome! It was never convenient for me before!" I reply.
Finally, the meal is over, and we argue over the check, but Jamie insists on picking it up since this meeting was his idea. We then get in my car and drive over to their place, which is fairly close. They had walked down, which explains Rob's gorgeous body. I avoid mentioning that as I don't want to appear to be a threat. I guess Jamie has some insecurities, and if Rob were my boyfriend, I would TOO! He's definitely a catch, and the last thing I need or want is to cause Jamie's jealousy to rear it's head.
We get to their place, and it looks like something you'd see in a movie set in New York. It's very charming and elegant in a way. They show me around, even their bedroom. I'm relieved to have my own bathroom, and my bedroom is at the end of the hallway so if they're entertaining or just watching TV, I won't be disturbed. My room is technically the master bedroom, and they give that to the third roommate so they can have a small living room set in there as well as the bed and stuff. I'm amazed at the amount of space in my room. They assure me that I'm welcome to join them in the main living room, any time, though. That this is my home too, and they insist that I treat it that way. Then Jamie suddenly gets all butch, and lays down the law.
"OK, here's how it is. I'm going to say this once. I'm off limits, and Rob is off limits. We don't want a third person in bed with us. We do not have any qualms about walking around here in various states of undress, and we want you feel comfortable doing the same. It's natural to take a look, and that's ok, but no touching of a sexual nature, got it? If you can live with that rule, then you're welcome to take the room." The both look at me sternly. Makes me wonder what would happen if....no, let's not find out.
I nod, and say "Got it! No problem! I'd love to take it!"
They both break into a big grin and each of them hug me. "Welcome, roomie! Oh, we are big on small gestures of friendship, like hugs and stuff. And, by the way, the Rule applies to anyone you bring home, and we do not want any drugs in here. Alcohol is ok, but you clean up your own puke, and you're responsible for your guests' actions. Fair enough?" Rob says.
"Absolutely. I'm not a big drinker at all, and drugs ... well, there's no need for that in my life." I assure them.
"Great! Let's get your stuff!"
We go out to my car, and drive over to my parents' place. We still have the U-Haul until tomorrow, so my stroke of luck was excellently timed. Rob offers to drive it over, and I have to convince my mom to wait until another day to come see it. They're not ready for her yet!!
Jamie decides to ride with me, so he can show me how to park for unloading. On the way back, I decide to find out more about "the rules."
"Jamie, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, buddy...what's up?"
"Well, I have no problem with the rules you want me to follow, but can I ask why? I mean, I understood this was just a roommate situation from the start. It's none of my business, but I'm just curious."
"Oh, sure. No, I'm glad you feel like you can ask. Uh, let me put it bluntly. The last guy we let live here didn't understand that Rob and I are exclusive. He kept putting the moves on each of us individually. One day he even had the audacity to step into the shower with me, buck naked. We threw his ass out the next day. We just want to have someone live in the room to help with expenses and stuff. Not that we NEED the money, mind you, but Rob and I do like to travel when we can, so it helps us put extra money aside."
"Ahh ok. No, I understand, I just wondered why. I mean, you guys were so stern about it." I grin. "So, how do you know Leslie again?"
"Ah, Leslie. She's a card, that one." Jamie chuckles. "Jonathan and I were college roommates, and we're like brothers. We had dinner with them last week, right after we threw Steven out of the apartment. Leslie is great, though. Very professional, but sweet."
I smile warmly. "Yeah, I'm glad she and I can be friends. I miss her a lot at times, but then, I remember it wasn't always peaches and cream, either."
We get back to the apartment, and unload everything. I insist that they leave the putting together of the stuff to me, and go about their lives. I don't know why. I guess it's an assertion of my independence. For once, I wanted to do something for myself.
Within the week, things have already become routine, and Jamie, Rob, and I become best friends very quickly. It's nice to have some male friends where there are no sexual tensions between us. True to their word, they will walk from the bathroom to their bedroom naked, and often times sit in front of the TV in their briefs. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't turned on, but I try to hide my hard-on in my briefs, lest I give them the wrong idea.
One evening, I get caught looking, and Jamie notices my boner. He laughs. "Rob, we gotta get this boy a man." he says, nudging Rob in his very defined ribs. Rob looks over and laughs too. They notice my discomfort.
"Don't sweat it, man...it's cool. We don't expect you to be dead inside! Actually, it's flattering." Rob says gently, and I feel better. I notice them notice me, but they don't make any comment, although Rob's face sort of had an approving look.
I return back to the office, and make a huge effort to display a happy attitude and work cheerfully. Daniel notices, and gives me a thumbs-up as he walks by, and a wink. I know I'm probably on his good side, but I need to prove that I'm with it again. And I have to admit that it feels good to have some normalcy in my life again. I also have had two sessions with Cal, as he insists I call him, and he puts me on an anti-depressant with the intention that I'll eventually come off of it gradually as soon as my chemistry is back in order.
Friday evening rolls around, and I'm so relieved that I notice I've been hunched over my desk all week and my back has the signs of it. I get home, and I hear three voices in the kitchen area. They hear me in the entryway and call to me.
"Oh, hey, Jesse, come on in here. We made dinner for you." Jamie calls.
I walk into the kitchen, and besides Jamie and Rob, is a nice looking guy, around my age, perhaps.
Rob says "Jesse, this is Chris. Chris, this is Jesse, our new roommate." He stands and we shake hands. "Come on and eat with us, Jesse."
I excuse myself for a moment, and toss my things onto my bed. My hands are a little sweaty. Chris is fairly good looking, not a bad body. I return to the kitchen and join them for a wonderful lasagna meal. Turns out Chris is also a professor in the school of medicine, and we hit it off right away.
After dinner, Jamie suggests that Rob and Chris go into the living room to have coffee, and asks if I'll help clear the table. I eagerly accept, anxious to find out the scoop on Chris. The other guys depart, and we start clearing. There's a swinging door between the kitchen and the living room, so I know we can talk fairly freely.
"So, what do you think of him, Jess?" Jamie asks.
"You dog! You set me up on a blind date?" I tease.
"No. But, let's just say that Chris is single, and he is wanting to meet someone, and he happens to be a great guy and a good friend. And, if you happen to be interested, and I think HE is, then, who knows, maybe you could date or something?" Jamie says, a touch of sly fox and a touch of light humor in his voice.
"Whoa, buddy." I say gently. "Don't start asking me where we're registered yet." I grin. "OK, yeah, I am interested, but I want to take things slowly.
I mean, I've only known him for a hour or two."
"Oh, I know. I'm just giving you the facts on what I know about him. The rest is up to the two of you, if you decide to go for it. Dating, I mean. Fact is, he has some confidence issues, and he's not had much luck finding someone who wants more than a fast fuck." Jamie explains.
I gasp at his use of that word. It's the first time I've heard him use language like that.
"Oh stop looking at me like that" he teases. "I'm as human as the next guy!
Anyway, this truly was just a casual dinner invite, but I wanted to see your reaction. He gave me some non-verbal clues as to his thoughts. This honestly wasn't a setup...it just worked out that way."
"OK, I believe you. Not!" I laugh. He snaps the towel near my crotch. "Hey watch it there!"
Rob walks in. "Ok you two, stop your flirting and get the damned dishes done." We all bust out laughing. In the week or so I've been here, I've learned that harmless flirtation is allowed, so long as we understand that's all it is.
We spend the rest of the evening in the living room, chatting about everything normally chatted about at a casual get-together. At the end of the night, as we are parting company, Chris walks over, and shakes my hand.
"Jesse, it was very nice to meet you. I hope we can chat again sometime."
Taking a chance that this might be the spot for an opening, I offer "Well, I'm free Sunday afternoon. Would you like to maybe catch a movie or something, and then we could get some dinner?"
He smiles shly. "I'd like that." He lets go of my hand and bids us good night. Jamie and Rob trade what they think are secret looks but I catch them and they grin.
I walk Chris to the door, and shut it behind him. Walking back to the living room, I put out both hands and say "Guys, don't get carried away. I just met the guy, and after what I've been through, I have some trust issues with dating and relationships. It's something I'm working on with my therapist."
Jamie comes over and puts an arm across my shoulder.
"Jesse, honest, we mean no harm. If things don't work out with Chris, then at least you'll have another friend to add to your list, right? There's no pressure, and certainly no strings."
Rob chimes in. "Yeah, and when you and Jamie were flirting in the kitchen (Jamie cuffs his shoulder playfully at that) he told me that he really finds you attractive and hopes that you can be a friend if not a boyfriend. He also said he doesn't want to rush into anything either."
I let that sink in for a moment. "Well....cool."
Jamie hands me a card. "His phone number. He obviously knows where to reach you." he says with a grin.
I take the card, bid them goodnight and thanked them for dinner, then went to my room. I sit on the bed, and stare at the card, wondering what my future might hold.
To be continued.