I wait for the door to slam. Only a few seconds pass, but it feels like an eternity. Finally Stephanie blinks and shakes her head as if to ward off her stupor.
"Jesse, come in here and sit down." she says, motioning toward the couch.
I walk out of the Phoenix heat and into the air-conditioned house. She comes and sits next to me, her arm around my shoulders. That touch of comfort feels wonderful, and I relax into her embrace.
"Now, start over, please."
I tell her the whole story of the divorce, and Mark, and that I'm a gay man.
"...So, I hope it was ok for me to come here, because I just needed to get away and to someone who I hope still cares about me." I say.
"Honey, I love you. We're as close as two cousins can possibly be. There is NOTHING you could say or do that would change that. I don't judge people, and I certainly would never judge YOU." she says emphatically. "Now, you look exhausted, so why don't you go into my room and lie down for a bit, ok?"
I have to admit that the three hour plane ride and all the events leading up to it has taken its toll. I hope and pray that my body will get back to at least where I was as far as energy is concerned.
"Sounds good, Steph, but I think I'll take a shower first, if you don't mind. I feel kinda gross."
"Sure. Go on ahead." she says.
I spend some time in the shower, and even the sight of my own body in the mirror makes me feel a little nauseated as I realize the last penis I saw was VIC's, and who was doing what with....no, I think, stop. You didn't do anything wrong!
I step out of the shower, dry off, and walk into the bedroom area with the towel around my waist. Stephanie had pulled back the covers, and I step in.
It's only 10:00pm here, but it's midnight back home, and I feel the sleepiness over take me. I pull only the sheet over since it's still 90 degrees outside, and I lapse into a deep sleep, but a fitful one as memories keep coming back to haunt me.
About 4:00am I wake up. I sense a presence next to me, and realize it's Stephanie. Then I remember that I'm buck naked under the covers, so I figure she's asleep and won't see anything. I sneak over to my clothes and slip my jeans on. I call to her long-haired dachsund so she won't bark at me, and together we go out to the patio and sit. Cheyenne, her dachsie, and I enjoy the sounds of the night and the morning birds starting their day and darkness ebbs away to daylight. I ponder my life and what's become of it, and also marvel that I'm 1,500 miles from home and didn't even consider anything else. Oh my gosh, I think...Mom and Dad are probably frantic!!! I quickly calculate the time in the Central Zone and come up with past 7:00am.
Mom and Dad have always been early risers. I'll call them now and reimburse Stephanie later for the call.
I grab the cordless phone and return to the patio. Dialing home, I'm greeted by the sound of my tearful mother.
"Hi, Mom...It's me."
"JESSE! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Mom asks, enraged. She gets like that when she's worried. "I've been up all night pacing, we've called the police, we have your brother out looking for you..." she stops, too angry and upset to continue, and hands the phone to Dad.
"Son, we've been worried sick. What's going on?"
"Dad, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm in Phoenix, and..."
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THERE?!" Dad asks. I know they're only upset because they're worried, but I still wince.
"Dad, listen, please...I"m very very very sorry for worrying you. I wasn't in my right mind. Something happened....no, I'm not in trouble....(Stephanie joins me on the patio, a look of concern again)...No, really Dad, something just upset me and I ... Yes, I know, I .... Dad, please calm down and listen to me."
But Dad and Mom are still on emotional adrenaline, and I take their barrage of worry and anger. Finally spent, Mom comes back on the phone.
"Baby, I'm sorry, it's just we almost lost you once, you could have called is all we're saying." Mom says.
"I know, Mom. Please understand. I will explain everything when I come home. Just know that I'm ok, but I had to get away for a few days."
Sighing heavily, I know she realizes I'm a grown man and hardly incapable of taking care of myself. "OK, Jesse, OK....call us later, ok? We love you."
"I love you too, Mom. I'll call. Bye."
I turn to Stephanie, sitting on the patio chair next to me. "Sorry I woke you."
"Oh no, I'm always up this early. Do you want some breakfast?" she replies.
"Sure, that's great." I answer. She walks back into the kitchen. The phone rings again, and she comes out to answer it. She looks at me and tells me it's Leslie.
"Hi, Leslie, what's up?" I say dully. She's the last person I feel like dealing with.
"Jesse, what the heck is going on? Your parents..."
I cut her off. "Save it. I already got the third degree. Now, why are you calling me? You've given up your right to bitch at me."
"Fine." She says, rather bluntly. "I just called to give you a message from your BOYfriend." she replies, biting off that last word. "He wants you to call him."
"FINE," I answer back. "But he's not my boyfriend. Thank you SO much." I reply acidly. I've about had all I can take from those people.
Hanging up, I decide to NOT call Mark back. But, maybe... I dial my voice mail line. Sure enough, there's a couple of messages for me. The first one is Daniel, and he's very concerned about the fact that I left town while on Disability. I figure I can probably get my way out of that one. Right this second, I couldn't care less if the entire building sank into the ground.
Sure enough, the second message is from Mark. I can tell he's crying on the phone.
"Jesse, please. Please call me. I don't know where you are, and I don't know how to get a hold of you. All I had is your home number in the directory. PLEASE call me. We need to talk about this. I'm so sorry. I want to be with you. I can't explain what happened, but please call me. Please, Jesse. I need to talk to you." And with that, he clicked off. I checked the time of the call, and it's 7:15 central. He just left it!
Pressing 3, I delete the message, and call Daniel back. He gets in early too.
"Hi, Daniel, it's Jesse. Look I know I probably goofed up, but I needed to get out of town. No, I haven't seen the doctor yet. Well, yeah, I think I could have come back today. Can I just use some vacation time starting today? Daniel, I know the policies, I just need...right, ok. Well, do what you have to. Bye."
Stephanie is in the doorway, frowning. "Jesse, you didn't just get fired did you?"
"No, I don't think so. I'm in trouble, though. But I don't care." I answer. And I really don't. My life as I know it is over. I almost died. Nothing seems important....or nobody.
I spend the next 5 days with Stephanie and her family, after buying some necessities like clothes and other stuff. I never do call Mark back. Screw him, I think. Let him stick with Vic. As the days pass, I start feeling better. I worked everything out with the parents, and finally explained to them what happened, but I don't think they really could comprehend. Mom, the ever-practical one, asked how I could get so worked up over someone I barely knew. She didn't get it. I also got a letter from Leslie's lawyer, pitching a bitch fit about how I charged the plane fare on HER credit card. I didn't even realize that I shouldn't be using those anymore. My lawyer, a.k.a. my brother, isn't very optimistic about it, either.
On Day 6, I'm out on the patio grilling some steaks and having fun joking around with the kids when Stephanie walks out, a serious look on her face. "Jess, there's someone here to see you."
Frowning, I'm curious about who the heck would come to see me. Walking into the living room, I stop short, totally shocked as to who's standing there.
"Mark! What the hell are you doing here? How did you....when did you....?"
I'm totally astounded and beyond words.
"Jesse, please. I needed to talk to you. Your wife gave me your cousin's address. Can we please go somewhere and work this out?"
"Work WHAT out? What did we have, Mark? What??" I yell. I'm shaking, I'm so pissed off.
"Jesse, please." he pleads. If only he wasn't so damned good looking. It makes it hard to resist. "You're not giving me a chance."
Sighing, and closing my eyes, I realize that maybe I DO need to hear what this lying sack of shit has to say to me.
"Fine, let's go for a drive." I say.
"My rental is out front." Mark says. I llet Stephanie know what I'm doing. She pulls me into the kitchen.
"Are you sure you want to do this? I can call the cops for you if you want." she says, instantly protective.
"It's ok, Sweetie. I'll be fine. I'll be back in an hour." I tell her. She's not convinced, but she knows she can't stop me.
We go out to the car, and take off toward the interstate. We drive in silence, both waiting for the other to start. At last, I can't take it anymore.
"OK, asshole. What do you have to say for yourself?" Mark starts to answer, but I cut him off. "Do you have to say that you maybe used me to get to Vic? Or maybe you've been fucking him all along? Or maybe it's that you're a lying, two-timing piece of shit who only thinks about his own dick and doesn't care about anyone but himself?" I snarl out angrily. It's a damned good thing HE's driving, or I'd probably kill us both. But, I wounded him, and it shows in his eyes. I turn away, feeling hurt for him, and with him.
"Jesse," he says softly. "I cannot excuse what happened. I wasn't lying when I said that I didn't play around a lot, but I've felt so alone ever since your accident, and I've been trying to deal with the guilt because I feel like it's my fault. If I hadn't walked out on you in that bar..."
"You were blowing Vic that night at the office after you left me. Don't give me that line of shit." I say. "Why don't you just admit that you're not attracted to me, and that dick is what you like?"
A tear falls down his beautiful face. "The truth, Jesse", he clears his throat, "is that I'm deeply in love with you. But I'm scared, and I'm confused, and I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I went to the office both times hoping to find you there, or maybe something in your desk that would tell me how I could get a hold of you. Your wife has been less-than-helpful, and....some man threatened to kill me if I ever called there again." he says, desperately. I WANT to believe him.
"Mark, how can you say you're in love with me? You barely KNOW me. We had one encounter in your car, we had one chat at the bar, we had a brief moment in the hospital...what do you KNOW about me?" I say, trying to understand him.
"I don't know. I just know that I've been attracted to you for a couple of years, but never could approach you. It took everything I had in me to talk to you on the sidewalk after Vic threatened you. It was a HUGE step for me, Jess, you should know that."
I think about that for a moment. I know where he's coming from because it would have been next to impossible for me to approach HIM.
Clearing MY throat, I manage to ask "OK, I can buy that. But what I don't get still is why you were with Vic twice."
Mark shakes his head slightly. "I screwed up. I fell into his trap of his looks, but he has nothing else to offer. He's smart enough, but he's got the personality of a rock. And, honestly, Jesse, I didn't think we were ready to be exclusive yet. I've been sucking him for a couple of years now.
He treats me like shit, but he threatened to "out" me if I didn't "help him out." Well, those days are over, and I'm ready to take whatever consequences come along. Please believe me."
"Well, Mark, I don't know. It really hurt me to see you do that."
"I know. I have no excuse, and I know that it'll take a long time for you to trust me. But I'll do whatever you want, Jess. I'll get an HIV test to show that I'm negative, and I promise I won't see anyone else, ever, while we're dating. I just want to get to know you, and have a clean start." Mark pleads.
"Well, I'll tell you what. I think at this point we should just be friends and see where that goes, ok?" I suggest. "The state I'm in right now, I think that's about all I can give."
Mark drives silently for about a mile, then says "OK. I wish it was more, but I won't pressure you."
We return to Stephanie's house. I decide that I really need to get back to St. Louis and my life. Mark insists on paying my plane fare since he feels like it was his fault. I'm in no position to argue, since I'm broke and Leslie definitely pulled me off the credit card. On the plane, he takes my hand, but lets go when he feels me tense up. We land and he drives me to my parents' house. Mom, of course, is her usual motherly self, hugging and kissing me on the cheek, crying happily that I'm back. Even Dad is relieved to see me again. Then they realize Mark is there and look at him curiously.
"Mom, Dad, this is one of my coworkers and friends, Mark. He drove me home from the airport."
Mark gives me a hurt look, gives a curt "hello" to both of my parents, then says "I have to go." and walks off, driving away. I figure I probably just saw him for the last time, but I didn't care. I was home, and that's all that matters for the moment.