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Of pursuing dreams and other occurrences
By Lina S.
Lucy searched the web. Like every so often for the past couple of years. She searched for a cure. A cure that will help her to be the person she was meant to be. Being assigned male at birth she never felt like a boy. She couldn't grab the feeling when she was younger but even then, all her friends had been girls. She did what they did, and it didn't seem wrong to her. She was free.
She was 8 or 9 when she caught herself thinking that it would be great being born a girl. At first, she was struck by that realization, but then started calming down. Everything made so much sense now. The way she felt and acted, her friends. Yes. It was obvious to her. She was a girl. Somehow someone badly messed up though. Why does she have the body of a boy?
She spent some time thinking about the topic. She went to sleep wishing to wake up with a girl's body every night. It never worked. She thought of other solutions. Maybe her parents could help. She had to do something. Having a body that is not aligned with her brain started to hurt. And so, did everything else. Every time someone addressed her as a boy she flinched. Internally and wanted to yell at them. But she remained silent. It seemed emotionless on the outside.
One day after school she decided it's time to address the topic with her mom. Slowly. She wasn't sure how she would react. Lucy planned to test the waters and then bring the topic up more often and often. She hoped that she doesn't have to tell herself. She was hoping her mother would ask her directly and she simply has to reply yes.
"Mom?" "Yes honey?"
"Ehm... just wondered, if I had been ... Uhm ... born.... A girl. Uhm.... What would have been my name?" Lucy nervously stammered.
"Well, we knew quite early that you're going to be a boy, so we never settled on a female name. But it probably what have been Lucinda"
"Lucinda?" `What? Is she serious? Were they thinking I'll be 80 years old at birth?'
"Yes dear, but why are you asking this, Dennis?"
Ugh, Dennis. That name never felt right to Lucy. But now it stung even more.
"Just... Uhm ... curiosity. It came up in school today"
Shit, that didn't go as planned. Lucy had hoped to get a better glimpse of what her mother was thinking about the topic itself. But that went way to levelheaded for Lucy's taste. She probably has to dig some more. And Lucinda? Why the heck. Sure, it was the name of her great grandmother, but how and why? She kept thinking about it. `But Lucinda could go with Lucy for short. Lucy is cute. Lucy. That's my name. I'm Lucy' she smiled.
She did that, over the next few years. But she still couldn't sense her mother's thinking of that whole trans topic that was revolving around Lucy's mind.
Lucy began to feel scared. But she never dared anything more than just scratching on the surface of her mother's thinking.
That's why Lucy's started to search the internet. She knew there was the possibility of transitioning and everything. She knew how that worked. But she needed her parents for that. And because she didn't know how they would react, she tried to find other solutions.
Despite everything Lucy tried to live her life as Dennis. It did work, but she never felt right at that. But eventually she made good friends. Three to be precise. From school she knew Kevin Smith. They met from time to time but weren't that close.
During a Summer job she met Linus. Linus was a weird guy. He was small, his face full of acne and what made him so weird was, that he used every possibility to pull up his shirt and over his head, showing his rather unattractive chest to everyone. But Lucy got along with him quite well and they started seeing each other quite often doing all kinds of shenanigans together. Sometimes Kevin was with the two of them.
The time went on, Lucy being 19 by now was still bothered that she never told her parents. She only acted happy on the outside. But she was an emotional wreck on the inside.
But Lucy also couldn't deny the fact that she did enjoy herself while hanging out with Kevin and Linus. Even when she pretended to be a guy. She also liked the fact that they weren't phased because wasn't actively trying to accomplish a rather important goal of that age. Getting a girlfriend. But Lucy couldn't get herself in doing that. Sure, she liked girls. But she wasn't sure if it might be just envy. But going out with a guy didn't seem right to her either.
One day she received a call from Kevin, asking if she would like to meet for dinner with him and a few friends she didn't really know. She was having a bad dysphoric day and felt a bit torn if it would be right to keep the façade up and play along or if she just should stay in and cry herself to sleep.
Even though she preferred the latter, she decided it was probably a good thing to go as it would distract her.
She was picked up by Kevin by seven-ish. No one else in the car yet.
"We have to get up Ellie first, she lives close to you and then the other two"
"Okay," she said absent-minded, "who's Ellie?" Lucy asked relieved that she won't be the only girl that night.
"I know her from my college, she's quite nice"
And nice she was. Lucy got along with her instantly. They spent the whole evening snickering and talking about everything and nothing. And that night they failed to notice that Kevin felt a bit intrigued that Ellie and Lucy got along so well.
For the following weeks, both, Ellie and Lucy, independent from each other inquired Kevin to do something together again as they failed to exchange numbers. And it seemed he dreaded it a bit. When they finally met again, they exchanged phone numbers right away so they wouldn't be dependent on Kevin anymore.
Kevins' 19th birthday came up and he was planning a party. He got all kinds of drinks. And he asked for Lucy's help on organizing it as he felt kind of lost at the drink stuff and hoped Lucy had some knowledge of cocktails given that she worked her summers at the country club. She also stated that Linus would be even more suitable for help as he tended the Bar quite often given the fact he was almost 2 years older than Lucy.
Because of all the alcohol Kevin overstepped his budget but had the glorious Idea of asking for admission. Needless to say, the party was a flop. Only his geeky friends were there but left early. Generally, most people showed up, had a drink, and then left again. Even Ellie didn't stay that long.
But it was the first time for Kevin, Linus, Ellie, and Lucy being together.
From there onwards started a really good friendship between the four of them. They became close. Inseparable. They hung around together as often as they could. With summer approaching and Linus getting a new place, he even moved in the same neighborhood as Ellie and Lucy. Now they were only separated when they were at work, school, or sleeping. When they called on of the other friends it was almost a given guarantee that at least one of the others was hanging with them as well.
Lucy and Ellie became closer as well. Spending some time without Kevin or Linus as well Lucy realized that Ellie is a person she can trust. And so felt Ellie.
During the Summer they spent most of their time outside. It was one of the hottest summers until that time. And with work during the daytime they hang out during the nights, lying somewhere in the grass, just looking in the sky, enjoying the summer night.
When Ellie told them, she is into some kind of magic thing it got Lucy curious. What if there's a way to solve her problem?
"Has it ever worked?"
"No" Ellie laughed. "But it's fun just thinking you could curse someone, for example when you get cut off in traffic or so"
"Oh... okay" Lucy couldn't hide her disappointment. And Ellie felt that something is going on.
At the end of summer, it was Linus who got a girlfriend first. Shortly after Kevin fell in love too. Which left Ellie and Lucy more often on their own. But they enjoyed their time together none the less. They couldn't stand Linus's girlfriend, anyway. She wasn't exactly bright. And Lucy and Ellie made a lot of fun of her, to be honest. Her name is Desiree, but Linus always called her Ditzy, which made Ellie and Lucy, even more, laughing at her as they thought it was fitting. Maybe Linus did it on purpose and she failed to notice the reference. Kevin's girlfriend, Amber, was smart. And pretty. But as she wasn't living in the area, she wasn't spending so much time here. But so was Kevin. He was much more often with her than she was with him.
One night, when Lucy was at Ellie's, they spent some time talking about that magic stuff of hers. And Ellie remembered Lucy's reaction a while ago.
"Dennis?" she started, "When we talked about this a while ago you seemed a bit out of place once I said it's not working. Why was that? Do want to curse someone.
Lucy looked at her. Tears filling her eyes. She felt trapped. But she also the trust between her and Ellie. Maybe it's time to finally tell someone.
"I.. I... no, I don't want to curse someone...."
"Dennis, what's wrong, tell me, you're tearing up. And if you don't want to curse someone, tell me, are you sick.
With that Lucy couldn't hold it any longer and started to cry.
Ellie came closer to her, hugged her. Tried to comfort her.
"Did I do something wrong? Ellie asked "No, I don't think you did. And I don't think I'm sick. But.... I ... think I'm cursed"
"What?" Ellie was taken aback.
"How come you think you're cursed?"
Lucy looked at her, big tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Okay..." she sobbed "But you're in for a long story"
"I don't mind, I want to know what's troubling you and leads you to the impression of being cursed"
Lucy started to explain everything. How she felt as a kid, how she realized, about her mom and herself poking around the topic and that she heard searched the internet already to find some magic spell or potion to straighten her life out.
Ellie couldn't believe what she heard. She felt so sorry for Lucy. It must have been hell she went through. Lucy still cried, her eyes swollen and red.
"Dennis.... What should I call you? Dennis is not suitable"
"I'm Lucy," She said, sobbing, forcing a smile on her lips"
"Hi, Lucy" Ellie smiled Ear to Ear and embraced her.
"What are we going to do now?" she managed to ask Ellie
"Well, I assume we keep on trying to get your body back on track with your brain"
They talked about that the whole night. Tried to figure things out. Lucy felt that she wasn't ready yet to talk with Kevin and Linus about herself. Ellie promises to keep her mouth shut and won't tell them. However, she also promised to support Lucy in every possible way. She also started searching the internet for spells, vials, and whatsoever. She was determined to help Lucy. And she felt that it had to be sooner rather than later given the discomfort Lucy's mental health was giving her.
As Ellie and Lucy became closer after that night of Lucy. Kevin and Linus distanced themselves a bit from the two girls. Linus acted weird and never got back to anyone while Kevin never had time.
One night Ellie and Lucy were searching the Internet while listening to the soothing and melancholic sounds of Lana del Rey for the umpteenth time, they found a site that they're never been on before. It was called Madame Osiris magical supplies and looked a bit weird. Well, weird doesn't mean anything and they browsed through the page, finding all sorts of things. Really weird things to be honest. There were mostly vials doing things to people. Probably intended to get some sort of vengeance. Hair loss potions that claimed to be not just like Nair, no, it claimed to kill the hair together, so once someone went bald, they will be bald forever. "Might be something for Linus, he's way too hairy" Lucy snickered.
"yes, and Ditzy took this one" Ellie chimed in, pointing to an IQ drop potion.
both laughed and continued their fun and their friends' expense.
Then suddenly they found something which claimed to be a gender swap pill. They clicked on it. The price tag said 49.00 Dollars. They read the fine print.
"it says here, that it will change someone's gender into the opposite. It won't tinker with the brain or anything else. That's what I looked for, Ellie!" Lucy was ecstatic.
"Are you sure it'll work?"
"Only one way to find out!" Lucy said as she clicked on `add to basket' and got her credit card out.
Ellie wasn't convinced. She thought it will be a rip-off. Just one of many internet scams. She only hoped that the pill wasn't some kind of poison and just made out of sugar.
3 weeks later Lucy contacted Ellie.
"It's here" she shrieked euphorically.
"How do you want to go about it? Please don't take it on your own" Ellie was concerned. She wanted to be with Lucy, just in case. But she couldn't voice her fear in front of Lucy, she didn't want to destroy her happiness.
"No, lets met up tonight, let's do it together"
As promised, they met up later, ordered pizza, and had wine. Once they felt stuffed from the pizza Lucy fetched the pill from her pocket. She couldn't wait any longer and if impatient was a person, it would have been Lucy.
Ellie was surprised to see it came rather good packaged. Not just a white pill in a little plastic bag as she had suspected. Lucy had big eyes when she looked at the little package. Ellie couldn't recall seeing her eyes ever so sparkly. As much as she was concerned and frightened, she felt happy for Lucy. She hoped she wouldn't be too devasted when she finds out that everything was just a scam.
Lucy on her side was super ecstatic. She searched for ages exactly what she held in her hands. She saw Ellie, she looked a bit concerned. And Lucy couldn't be mad at her. Here she was, about to take a mysterious pill bought from the internet. She didn't expect it to work. After all it was just 49 bucks. If it would work it would be way more expensive, wouldn't it? She just hoped it wouldn't be.
Before she took the pill, both took a closer look at the packaging. It looked like something bought from the painkiller aisle at CVS or Walgreens. It even came with an instruction leaflet. Which they read. Apparently, it won't be an instant transformation. It will take place over 3 days. It won't be painful but might be uncomfortable according to the instructions. And, there is also written, that the transformation can't be reversed unless you by an additional extra pill, if not the transformation will be permanent.
"Are you scared?" Ellie was still more than just concerned about that dodgy pill.
"Yes, honestly I am. I don't know what it is. If it works. Or If I just poison myself" Lucy admitted.
"But you want to go through with it?" "Yes. Absolutely. I think I need to try if it keeps its promise"
"Okay, but I have to tell you, I'm not trusting that pill at all, so I will be here, ready to dial 911, so once you feel too weird or so, please let me know" "I will"
They both hugged. Then Lucy took a deep breath.
"Are you ready?"
"No"
Lucy took the pill anyway. She swallowed it, took a sip of water afterward. And then started grinning. A huge grin.
"How'd you feel?"
"Okay. Still excited, not different though. And not poisoned"
"Good. But I keep my phone here, still ready"
To be continued...
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