Note: This is a complete work of fiction. I am not implying that any character within this story is gay or bisexual. This is just my fantasy, so let me have it!!! I'm planning on making this a continuing plot, with twists and turns and everything else thrown in. So please, don't be afraid to send any comments my way. Since I've never been to New York I may need a little help with some scenery and stuff. Please e-mail me at tumbler99@yahoo.com
I was reading through my earlier chapters today and just could NOT stop grinning. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed writing, and I think it was pretty obvious by the 19 chapters I've already archived. And I've had many people write me with their own concerns and questions about life, about the story, about anything under the moon, and I guess I forgot how much I missed that. I know that there are plenty of other stories out there for people to read and enjoy, but I really enjoyed mine, and that's enough for me. I didn't think I needed it anymore, I thought I was over the fantasy, but perhaps I'm not. A lot has happened in the past year and I've found that writing this story has helped me come to terms with some of the things. I know you guys don't always understand what I'm talking about, or what some of the things in my story mean, but whatever goes into my stories affects me in some way. If it's in the story, it most likely happened to me, happened to a friend, or is a serious issue that I feel needs to be in the story (of course those little make-out sessions don't fall into any of those categories, but in a way they do, just not with JC). So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm gonna be back for awhile, perhaps only the summer, like last year, but I will be here for a time. And we'll see what I can pull out of my sleeve. The only other thing I can say is, go back and read through some of the earlier chapters. Even if you think you remember every little detail, I think you'll be shocked at how much more you pick up the 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) time. And I know that for most of you, it's been almost 3 months since you've read a chapter. Just remember to smile as you do read through them, because take it from me, good things do happen when you least expect it.
One more quick thing. In reading through the last chapter, I realized how open I left Lance's sexuality. For me personally, I've always had a belief that JC and Lance were together in real life, because of some pictures and other things I've seen with them live. I honestly don't know for sure if any of the guys are gay though (especially after a magazine article I read and an MTV appearance I saw back in March) so I'm not sure what to think. And even though I know this is all fiction, I don't want to throw so many gay characters in. So, give me a hint as to what you want to see happen (not saying I'll use your suggestions though!! LOL). Do you guys want Lance to be gay, straight, or continue to kind of ponder, like he was doing the last few chapters. I know where I'm leaning right now, but we'll see if anyone can sway me. Lets just say that I've heard WAY too many stories from my friends about lying to themselves and trying to be straight when they were really gay, and their personal struggles to come to terms with it. And since I never had that problem, I think it might be fun to try it on for size and see what I can do with it. So once again (as if you don't know yet) e-mail me at tumbler99@yahoo.com
'N SYNC Savior
Chapter Twenty
"Matt, please, lets just stop this little foolish argument. I know how you feel about lying and I promise that I will do the same with you. There is never anything that I won't tell you; there is never anything that I will lie to you about. If you can trust me on that, then we're going to be great together."
"I do trust you, Josh. I truly do." I kissed him on the lips as I whispered, "and we are going to be great together." I slowly pulled up from him, taking my weight off of his chest. I stood up and smoothed my clothes, checking the mirror to look presentable, and a few minutes later we were out the door.
I walked down the hall towards Lance's room, remembering the same trip earlier that morning, and frowned a little at the thought. I glanced up to see JC grinning like a madman, though, and needless to say, that brought a smirk to my lips. I chuckled lightly as I reached for his hand.
We pushed open the door and went in, seeing all of the guys already in the room.
"Well, it looks like we're last, once again," I grinned. Chris had an empty plate in front of him, but the other three were slowly munching on their breakfast. "Did you save any for us, Chris, or did everything fall into that bottomless pit?" We grabbed two plates and filled them with toast, eggs, and bacon.
"Ha ha ha," Chris replied back with a real laugh following his sarcastic one.
"So how are you doing Joey?" He looked up at me, surprised.
"Umm... Doing fine I suppose. How about you?" I could see the questioning expression on his face and had to laugh to myself.
"Pretty good, although I could have slept a little better than I did."
"Yeah, Justin told us Lance had a bad dream." I looked up in shock and Lance scrambled too the rescue.
"Yeah, all of the guys know that I have nightmares every once in awhile, so it's no big deal." I could see the pleading in his eyes so I quieted down, resting back into JC. It seemed like that was becoming our position, JC behind me, legs on either side, my back against his chest. It felt very comfortable to me, so I wasn't going to argue! I slowly smoothed my shirt down as I started to eat.
"Hey, that's a pretty sweet shirt Matt. They can't have cool clothes like that in Kansas, do they?" Joey was joking, but I just looked back at JC and grinned, sharing the secret.
"Nah, us hicks only wear overalls, didn't you know?"
Christ was already finished, but we were all getting close. "So what do you two lovebirds want to do today? We can't think of anything cool, especially after yesterday... Umm... I mean... Oh shit," he finally mumbled.
I laughed as I snuggled closer. "Don't worry Chris. I understand that you guys are just boring heartthrobs that don't have any interests other than singing and dancing..."
"Oh, I have more interests than that," JC interrupted.
"Anyway," I drew it out with sarcasm, "it makes sense that you four can't think of anything to do."
"Well actually, Mr. Fun," Lance stressed with sarcasm, "I've already called about tickets to Rent. I've heard it's excellent and I have a feeling that 3 or 4 of you are going to feel a little connection to it."
"You've got to be kidding me," I almost screamed. "You got tickets to Rent? That is one of the best musicals out today..." I leaned back and sighed, thinking about Broadway. "My friend came here to see it and she talks about it constantly, listening to the soundtrack every week practically."
"Well, the show doesn't start until 8, so we have all afternoon free. But it's... it's about 1 already. Shit," he mumbled, "we sure know how to waste the morning, don't we?"
"It's our vacation," Joey jumped in, "so I don't think there's anything wrong with sleeping in!!" The rest of the guys laughed as we put our plates on the cart.
"So what are we gonna do for the next few hours? I think we should all go out to dinner around 6, which means we have to be back here around 4:30 to change and get ready." Lance was planning the day as the rest of us just sat, smiling at each other.
"Actually, Lance, I kind of have an idea for what I want to do the next couple of hours. If you guys don't mind, do you think Matt and I can slip away and meet you back here later?" I saw Justin's face flush with red as some personal thoughts filled his head, but when he glanced up at me I just shook my head, with a chuckle.
"Umm, sure," Lance answered back. "Why don't we just spend the afternoons doing whatever we want? Justin, you can go to the mall or something. I actually want to try out the pool downstairs..."
"Hey, that sounds like a good idea. I'm up for it," Justin replied as he stood up.
"What," Chris asked with a grin, "don't you need another pair of shoes?" He ran up to Justin and messed up his hair. "What's wrong with our Curly, guys?" He asked with sarcasm as he shoved Justin out the door. "I think the pod people have taken over..." We heard them laughing as they went down the hall.
"I actually might join you Lance," Joey said as he ate the last piece of bacon. He grabbed his stomach with one hand and shook it. "I think I could use a little bit of a workout..."
JC and I slipped out the door as they continued talking. "So, Mr. Secretive... What do you have in mind?" He shook his head as his hand slipped into mine and he dragged me to the elevator.
"Nope, you're not gonna get it out of me," he said with a sinister tone. "I told you I wouldn't lie to you, but there are such things as surprises!!" The door opened and we slipped inside, immediately turning to each other in a hug. My head rested against his shoulder as he softly stroked my back. I watched the numbers slowly light up and darken as we descended into the hotel. The second floor was approaching and JC slowly pulled back.
"Josh?" I asked with a hint of fear in my voice. I knew I loved him, I'd known it since the afternoon before, but suddenly I felt a wave of uncertainty wash over me.
"Yeah," he asked, walked out of the door with my hand in his. The hall was darkened, dim lamps on the walls. It wasn't like the normal hallways, with doors every few feet.
"Umm, where are we going?" I shied away from the truth. I shied away from saying the words for the first time. I kicked myself on the inside, but continued walking with him.
He looked back and smiled at me, giving my hand a squeeze. "Now now, you know you're not going to get anything from me." He caught what he said and stopped suddenly. "Well, at least not any information," he said as he leaned in for a quick kiss.
Lance went to his dresser and pulled out his swimsuit. The flannel bottoms fell to his feet, but as he slowly stepped out of them, he felt a wave of fear wash over him. His heart started pounding as he felt the cool air brush his body. He had never felt so naked in his entire life. He sank down on the bed, gripping his suit to his chest. His lips trembled for a second, until he grew angry at himself.
"Quit with this fucking attitude," he growled at himself. "You had a bad dream and you're freaking out WAY too much." He could hear the voices in his head, though, whispering quietly but growing ever louder. "Fag...gay...homo...fag...nothing but a girl..." and the tears started streaming down his face.
We walked through a double set of doors and I stopped cold in my tracks.
"Josh, I don't think we should be here..."
Justin quickly slipped his trunks on, smiling at himself in the mirror. "Who knows," he said aloud, "you might meet a hot guy swimming laps down there..." as he grabbed his towel and sandals. He breezed into the hallway with an air of confidence and happiness. He was beginning to like the feeling as he knocked on Lance's door.
"Hey buddy, you almost ready??" He yelled through the door. "My legs are already kicking, ready for that water..." He stood outside for a few seconds, not hearing a sound from inside. "Hey, Lance?" There was a question in his voice, combined with fear, no matter how hard he tried to keep it away. "Lance, buddy? Can you hear me? Come on dude, open up..."
He reached for the handle and twisted it lightly. He knew that it would be open, but he was still scared of what he might find.
"Oh come on Joey, get your fat ass moving. I bet Lance and Justin have already hit the water." Chris was sitting on the bed, towel in hand, ready to go.
"I'm coming, I'm coming. I just can't seem to find my suit...ah, thank god, here it is. Let me go change really quick." He slipped into the bathroom and closed the door as Chris sighed.
"You realize that you're the reason we're always late," Chris laughed. "If you would just pack a little better..."
"Oh, like you're Mr. Travel. I've seen your messy bags dude. I'm surprised you even know what's clean and what's not..." Joey's voice came through the door.
"But at least I'm ready." He paused for a second. "Wait...you mean we're supposed to wear CLEAN clothes?"
Joey laughed as he emerged, ready to go.
"Don't worry, Matt, I do this all the time. And before you ask, yes, I have checked with the hotel, they don't mind. The think it's such good publicity for us to be here, that they treat us really nice. Like you haven't noticed," he added with a grin.
"Well, as long as we don't get into trouble." I walked farther into the room, letting my eyes adjust to the dimness. I saw circular tables with elegant setups, cushy seats pushed close to them, a huge wet bar off to one side of the room, and in the middle, on the stage, a beautiful Grand piano, the lid raised up and open for all to see. "Well, for the two of us," I thought.
"I'm sure you know we're working on the new album. I've been trying to write a few songs for it, but just can't seem to get anything going." He stopped as a grin spread over his face. "Until this week that is. I think I just needed some inspiration..."
Justin walked in and saw Lance sitting on the bed, white as a ghost. His face was so clear, not a blemish on it, but Justin could see shiny streaks running down. The towel fell to his feet as he broke into a run. Grasping for the shoulder, he shook Lance hard, trying to rouse him from the funk.
"Lance, come on dude, snap out of it. Please, for me dude, come on..." His voice was rising quickly, fear seeping from his words. He continued shaking and suddenly Lance looked up.
"Justin, I'm so scared...." He sounded like a little child as his voice trembled.
Justin sank down on the bed, wrapping his arms around Lance's quivering body. Justin's arms stretched and strained as he rubbed his friend's back. "This is crazy," he thought to himself. "Lance shouldn't be acting like this if it was just a stupid dream."
The remaining two members made there way down to the pool, surprised when they couldn't find their friends.
"I wonder what's keeping them," Joey asked as he laid his stuff on a chair.
"I don't know. Maybe Justin decided to put up an attitude again and isn't coming. Who knows with those two." Chris looked over to see if his answer was good enough for Joey, and shook his head slowly when he realized it was. As Joey stood up to hit the pool, Chris looked up to the ceiling, as if he could peer into Lance's room, and worried about what was going on with his friend.
He made his way to the stage as I hung back and admired the architecture. The colors were beautiful, and I could only imagine what the room would look like bathed in candlelight from the tables. I was lost in thought, but my head turned when I heard the first note escape from the piano and float through the air. I slowly made my way closer to him, seeing a pad of paper and a few pencils atop a table.
"They really set you up well, don't they?"
"Yep, I'm old-fashioned when it comes to writing...have to have the old yellow pad!" He played a few more notes, warming up his fingers. Even his pecking and practicing was beautiful.
"You know, I've heard quite a lot about your playing, Mr. Musician. So you better not let me down." I said with a sinister smile.
He laughed as he continued playing, turning the notes into a melody, which he repeated over and over. "It all depends on the magic, Matt. If it's here today, you won't be disappointed."
Lance was finally calming down and as rational thoughts filled his head he remembered what he was wearing. He quickly dropped the swimsuit to his lap, covering himself, and in the process, pushed Justin back a little.
"Calm down, Lance, it's all right. It's just me, Justin." His voice was filled with worry as Lance looked into his eyes.
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore," Lance spewed out. "This is the second time today that I've broken down like that."
"You're probably just extremely stressed from the whole tour and having Matt in our lives. Hell, he causes quite a lot of emotions to rise out of people, remember?"
Lance tried to laugh, but nothing came out. His face was solemn as he tried to think. It was more than just meeting me, or having a dream. There was something else going on, but he just couldn't see it yet. Or perhaps he just didn't want to see it.
"When the memories of your past," his voice floated through the air
"Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you
Are fears and lies."
I was ready to break down crying. His playing was beautiful, and his voice was like an angel. As the words sank in, my thoughts flashed to the past few days, and tears did come to my eyes.
"I'll give you strength
I'll give you hope
I'll give you love for all time
The one you should call
When you think you're all alone
"And I will take you in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you."
He stopped singing, smiling down at me. "I think I've found my inspiration," he snickered. And as I stared into his eyes, falling into him....he reached for the pencil and wrote down the words.
I laughed as I felt my chin drop and my body fall back to the ground. "So, you think that's good, huh?" I pulled the pad away from his hands, rubbing them lightly before I did. "Lets just see if I can do anything..."
"Listen, we'll figure it out, whatever it is. But I think you need some serious relaxin' today, dude. You're WAY too tense for a vacation." Justin was trying to lighten the situation, but nothing seemed to be helping.
"I suppose you're right." Lance stood up, keeping the suit in front of him. He quickly dropped it, bending one knee to step into it. Justin glanced down without thinking, but snapped his head up.
"Now you can't start doing that dude," he chided himself. "This if your buddy, your amigo. You can't go checking him out like that." He stood up quickly, moving to pick up his things. "Lets just head down," he spoke quickly and lowly, trying to cover his mistake, "and try to meet some cool people. JC shouldn't be the only one to hook up this week."
Lance stared quietly at Justin's back, seeing the change in attitude from a second ago. Even though he was struggling with some issues, he wasn't oblivious to what had just happened. "Yeah," he spoke quietly. "But something tells me that his hook up isn't just for the week."
I scribbled some words down, thinking of the rhythm JC had just played. I scrunched my brow as I moved some around, switched some, and then switched them back. After a few seconds, I looked up to see him watching me intently. "What?" I asked, faking exasperation. "I'm not as quick as you are!" I dipped my head again and wrote out a few more lines, finishing out my part. "Try this out."
"Why don't you," he asked curiously. "I'll play and you sing. You did write it after all."
I leaned back into the chair as I thought of something to say. "Lets just say that someone in this room is really good with numbers. And someone in this room is really good with music. Lets just say I'm pretty sure that I received a much better ACT score than you did."
"Fine," he said as he took the pad of paper, "but I'll get you singing before the day's through," he added.
"I've loved you forever
Though we were apart
And I promise you never
Will you and I part
I give you my word
I give you my heart
I will give you all of my love
And with this vow
Forever has now begun
"Just close your eyes
Each lovin' day
I promise this feeling won't go away
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you."
His fingers continued playing, adding a crescendo as he started playing a bridge. The room was silent other than the piano, and I held my breath so I wouldn't make a sound.
"You're beautiful," I whispered as he stopped playing. "Your singing, your writing, your body, everything. You're just beautiful."
He stood up and moved away from the piano, crouching in front of my chair. "You don't know how glad I am that you came into my life." His breathing was getting faster, as he leaned into me with more urgency. "And you don't know how badly I want to go upstairs right now, and just hold you until dinner..."
"...but we're onto something here, Josh. I don't know if it's just because it's my first song, but I really think this is good. Or could be good with a little work." I saw his beautiful smile form on his lips and knew I had won. He backed away slightly, pulling up another chair.
Lance and Justin walked through the hall and made their way down to the pool. Justin wouldn't look Lance in the eye and kept peering up at the numbers, anxious for something to appear and save him.
"If I didn't know any better, Curly, I would think you were the one who just had the panic attack. Why are you so nervous all of a sudden? Is it because of everything that's going on with me? Is it making you uncomfortable?"
After a few seconds of silence, but still without looking, Justin answered quietly. "No, it's not you. Well, it does involve...no, it's just...ahhhh," he groaned in frustration. "I don't know what it is. I guess I'm just angry at myself for some of my actions lately. And I'm seeing you and Matt going through all of these serious things, and I guess I'm just kicking myself for being so immature."
"Oh please, Justin, don't even start with this immature thing. You're only 18 years old, remember? Yet you're touring the world, playing to sold-out audiences, and doing photo shoots and radio shows. You're more mature, and you're definitely taking on more things, than any adult I know. So you blow up or make a mistake every once in awhile. Who cares? Man, just look at Chris," he said with a smile, "he makes more mistakes in a month than you could ever make in a lifetime. So just try not to worry about it. We love you just the way you are."
The elevator opened and Lance could see Joey glance over.
"About freaking time guys. What'd you do, head to the mall first?" He dove off the board before either of the boys could answer, so Lance just looked over at Justin and smiled. "Okay?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right," he said with a sigh. "Now lets go find some hotties..."
"Okay, I like what we have so far, but it didn't flow quite as well as I would like. I want this to be about you, though, so I don't want to change too much." His face dropped as he read over the first verse, singing it to himself quietly. "I don't like how the word 'memories' comes across..."
"Yeah, and honestly, I think the line worked TOO well. It brought the memories back quicker than I had expected." I rubbed his thigh gently as he scratched out the first line.
"How about this? Change it to 'when the visions around you' but keep 'bring tears to your eyes.'"
He looked up at me with a childlike innocence, so pure and sweet. "I love it."
We continued through the song, changing words here and there. After we had finished with my verse and chorus, we added the bridge, which rolled off the top of our heads. He grinned as he held up the final copy, perfectly written without any scratched out words or arrows moving lines around. I clapped my hands and leaned back into my chair, happy with our work. He stood up and made his way to the piano, but stopped in his tracks. He made his way back to me and leaned down to whisper in my ear.
"I wrote this song because I want you to know how much I love you. I've never written anything as wonderful as this, and it's because of you." He moved his mouth and lifted my chin with one finger. His dry lips pressed into mine, becoming moist as we kissed. I moved my hand to the back of his head, drawing him closer. Finally he pulled away with a sigh. "As great as this feels, I want you to hear the final version."
He moved up to the piano once again, sitting on the wooden bench. He cleared his throat and played a few keys before looking over at me with a smile. "May I present 'This I Promise You,' written with the help of my one true love." The smile dropped as he saw the tears forming in my eyes. "Matt, I do promise you all of this and more."
"When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength
I'll give you hope
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call
Was standing here all along
"And I will take you in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you."
I broke down right then, as he slipped into a piano solo. My heart was pounding faster than the first time I met him, faster than the first time I kiss him, faster than it ever had in my entire life. His eyes were closed as he continued, already having the words memorized. It wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't though, because as I looked on, I saw the tears streaming from his eyes too. The words on the paper would have been a blur to him.
"I've loved you forever
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow
Forever has now begun
"Just close your eyes
Each lovin' day
And know this feeling won't go away
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you."
He started to crescendo into the bridge and his fingers took over. He played what had made up the last time, but added some extra notes and a lot of style. He looked over at me, opening his eyes for the first time.
"Over and over I fall
When I hear you call
Without you in my life, baby
I just wouldn't be living at all
"....I will take you in my arms
....Right where you belong
'Til the day my life is through
This I promise you, babe
"Just close your eyes
Each lovin' day
And know this feeling won't go away
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you."
And only then did he break our gaze, as the song came to a close. His lips were trembling as he finished, his chest rising and falling as he tried to breath. As the last echo faded and was swallowed by the walls of the room, neither one of us made a sound. But suddenly, as if the hold on my body had been broken, I moved my hands up to cover my mouth, smiling so wide. The fire lit in his eyes as he stood up and made his way over to me.
"Josh?' I started once again, like in the elevator. "I'm not scared anymore. I know now, with all of my heart, that I..." I paused only slightly, "that I love you. I know it's fast, but I know it. I love you."
He was quiet for awhile, frozen in his spot, halfway down on his knees in front of me. I grew nervous as the silence grew, wondering what was going through his head. "Josh? Please say something....anything."
"I love you too, Matt. I've loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you, the morning you walked into my room. And that song was written for you. I meant every word I sang, and I promise you that I'll never leave you, or let you down. I love you, Matt."
To be continued....