** I really appreciate everything that you guys have done for me. ** I thank you very, very much. ** Song lyrics are to their respected authors... ** Comments, Q's, concerns... zeo@sfsu.edu
Chapter 15: Intimacy
We swayed back and forth for a little while. I closed my eyes and listed to JC's humming. All too soon, he reached the end of the song. I slowly opened my eyes and he pulled away from me. I looked at him curiously. He wasn't acting right. He looked at me and then looked at the ground.
"JC?" I softly spoke.
He gave me no answer. Instead he slowly turned around and shuffled to the window. JC looked up through the glass and up into the night sky. I wasn't angry, but more or less confused. I stepped back a little bit and I could feel the tears welling up.
"Y..you just did that to make me f..feel better, didn't you?" I quickly bent down and started to collect the papers.
I couldn't properly file the papers because my hands were shaking so hard. I was on the verge of breaking down. Then I heard a small sniffle. It wasn't mine because I didn't start to cry yet. I reluctantly looked up at JC. He had a small stream of tears flowing down his cheek. I stopped filing the papers and slowly stood up. I didn't understand why he was crying. None of this made sense. I gathered the strength to walk ever so slowly towards him. He softly sobbed still looking through the window. I hesitantly wrapped my arms around his waist. JC didn't give any reaction at first, but soon he placed his hand on my arm and squeezed a little.
"What's bothering you?" I softly spoke, thinking that was the wrong thing to say.
He didn't give any answers at first, "I...I don't know," he whispered.
"Then why are you crying?"
He looked down, "I don't know..."
I hugged him tighter, "Let's sit down...let's talk."
He nodded and I broke from the embrace. I slowly lead him to the edge of the bed and sat down. He sat next to me still looking on the floor. I put my finger under his chin and turned his head towards mine.
"Is it because of me?" I softly spoke.
"No...no. It's not you," he whispered.
"Then what is it?"
"I..I don't know. I'm so confused..." he said trailing off.
I looked at him curiously, "Confused about what?"
He looked at me as if I was dense, "I...I'm not sure if I'm gay or not..."
I looked into his eyes lovingly and softly stroked his cheek. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath.
"You see..." he started up, "I've always dated girls and I thought nothing about guys. Then, when you came along...I don't know..." he said trailing off.
I looked at him and then on the mattress, "I see...Then I should have never met you in the first place," I slowly got up.
JC quickly grabbed my hand, "No...please," he begged, "I didn't mean in like that," I sat back down next to him.
"I don't understand," I explained.
"It's hard for me to explain...When I met you, something clicked in me. I don't know what it is...it's just that you made me feel something that I've never felt before," he looked deep into my eyes, "I know it's there, but I'm scared to find out if it's real."
"You just need a little time to work things out," I gently put my hand on his shoulder, "I won't force you into anything," I gently smiled.
"OK...we have until Saturday before we go back on tour," he turned away from me, "I would like you to be there with me...when I come to my senses."
I turned his head back towards me, "I will always be by your side," I smiled at him.
JC smiled back, "OK...thank you..."
"Get some sleep," I told him, "Call me if you want to do anything," I scribbled down my number on one of the sketches.
"OK...I'm not sure if I'll be able to call you..." he trailed off looking down.
"Please," I rolled my eyes back, "We're not serious yet," I laughed.
He laughed a little, "I guess you're right. I'll see you tomorrow then?"
"Sure, no problem," I slowly got up from the bed.
"Good night," JC softly spoke.
"Good night JC," I replied.
I slowly exited the room and walked down the hall. I pushed the elevator button and just looked at it. 'He's not sure if he loves me,' I thought, 'What kind of an answer is that?' All I could do is hope that he is in love with me. But like I said, I will not force him to do anything. It is his choice if he loves me or not...not mine. The elevator finally came and I headed down to meet up with everyone at the table.
Once I stepped into the elevator, Justin slowly closed the door of his room. He sat on his bed and thought about everything. 'I wonder what he was doing in JC's room? And why did he look so down when he went into the elevator.' Justin crawled back into bed and wondered what happened between JC and me.
JC slouched on the bed figuring out what the hell just happened. He slowly unbuttoned his dress shirt as well as his pants and slowly removed them. Everything was turning upside down and nothing made sense. 'I love him, but...' he thought, 'Is it real? But it has to be...right?'
The prom was a blast and everyone at school were talking about it. They were mainly talking about N' Sync being there. I just laughed at all of this. Even my classmates were bugging me about them, how quaint. I didn't mind much, I had other things on my mind. Why was JC acting so funny last night? Most likely, he was struggling with himself just like Lance was. Still, I couldn't get the image of his face when he looked me after we kissed. It was one filled with confusion, not anguish like Lance's.
The whole day my mind was filled with concern. I really did want to help JC, but it ultimately falls on him for the final answer. I would never impose on him, I love him too much to do so. In all of my classes, I wasn't really paying attention to what my teachers were saying. Everything was on JC. Arc and Ulysses talked to me about it for a little while, but I assured them I was okay. They let it go at that, never be the ones who pried for information.
Finally school ended and I could go about my normal business. Nothing could get JC out of my mind. Even though my school was a short walk from my house, it was difficult for me to traverse the distance. On a couple of occasions, I almost bumped into a stranger. I was so preoccupied with JC that I missed the street I was supposed to go to and wound up passing my house by a couple of blocks. I couldn't believe what effect he had on me. Though, I wondered how he is faring as well.
I arrived at home, in one piece, and put my stuff next to the couch. I lied down on the couch and just stared at the phone, praying that he would call. All I did the whole time I was at home was to mope around and just watched the phone. No TV, no radio, no nothing, except the occasional snack from the fridge. 'Why is he doing this to me,' I thought, 'Oh wait...we're not serious...' I was basically pacing around the room like a skitzo.
I was so wound up that JC would call me that I had forgotten the time. By the time I looked at the clock, my eyes were getting heavy. It was a little past midnight and no word from JC. I sighed knowing that it wasn't gonna happen. I felt miserable. This my fault, my doing. I set myself up and I knew that it was impossible. It wasn't like that my world was shattered or anything, but it sure felt like it.
I trudged onto my bed and closed my eyes. I was tired, yet I wasn't sleepy. My mind was so occupied with everything that JC and I did, I just couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning in my bed didn't help matters either. Why was I so hung up on this guy? I don't know...he's probably the first person I've loved in a long time.
Morning came and the phone was ringing. At first, I didn't get up, but the phone kept on going and going. I slid out of bed and crept my way to the phone.
"Hello?" I sleepily said into the receiver.
"I see you're not a morning person," Justin laughed.
"Justin? How'd you get my number?" I asked realizing who it was.
"Have ever heard of Information?" he remarked, "I do know where you live so it was easy to get."
"Oh I see...What time is it?" fumbling around for a clock.
"It's 11 and by the sound of it, you're pretty beat," he said worriedly.
"Yeah...I stayed up pretty late. I don't think I want to go to school."
"Well..." he hesitantly said, "Would you mind some company?"
"I wouldn't mind one bit," I smiled, "I can whip up a quick brunch when you get here."
"Hey that would be cool."
"OK...what time are you gonna come?"
"I'll be there in about 10 minutes."
"I'll see you then," I hung up the phone.
I sighed a little and stepped out of the room. I headed towards the fridge looking for something to cook. Everything was a little fuzzy and I just gave up thinking of what to pick out. When Justin arrives, he'll think of something. I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. Nothing exciting was going on, but I was falling in and out of sleep. I didn't understand why I was so tired.
I closed my eyes and then was awakened by knocking on the door. I sleepily got off the couch and opened the front door. When I saw Justin's unique hair, I just had to smile.
"Hi Justin," I sleepily said.
He looked at me oddly, "I didn't know you were still sleepy. Maybe this wasn't a good time to come."
"No, no, no," I begged him, "Please come in. Like you said, I'm not a morning person."
"If you say so," he shrugged.
He walked through the front door and sat on the couch while I sat on the other couch. "What's on the menu?" he asked, flipping through the channels.
"I don't know. I was expecting you to decided."
"Actually," he said looking at the TV, "I already ate breakfast and I'm not that hungry."
"Make's it easier on me," I laughed, "Have you guys been busy lately."
"Yeah. There were a few photo shoots as well as some appearances."
"Let me guess...Macy's, right?"
"Yup...Lance got the okay to do some publicity there."
"That's cool," I sleepily said.
"Hey Mano, you look pretty tired," he got up and sat next to me.
"No it's all right," I yawned, "I didn't get enough sleep last night."
"You should go to bed and I'll come back later if you want," he said in concern.
"No, no," I yawned, "Just make yourself at home and..." I fell asleep, slumping onto his shoulder.
Justin was startled by my sudden sleepiness. I lay on his shoulder and since it was pretty cold in the room, I curled up into a ball next to him. He looked at me and smiled. He wrapped his arms around by shivering shoulders and hugged tightly. In my sleep, I could feel the warmth of his body against mine and I calmed down. Justin had no idea what was going on. To him, he felt as if he was putting Johnathan to sleep back home.
Once in a while I would stir a little in his arms and Justin had to readjust himself so that he could also be comfortable. He softly hummed a tune which he learned from his grandmother a long time ago. He sat there quietly looking at me for about half an hour. I suddenly shook awake and Justin pulled away.
"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry," I rubbed my eyes, "Didn't mean to fall asleep."
"It's okay. I can tell that you're tired."
I yawned, "Maybe if I did something, then I could wake up," I got off the couch.
"If you want to," Justin shrugged.
"I do. I'll be back in a sec," I disappeared in my room.
Justin again waited in the room while watching some TV. After a few minutes, I stepped back out in the living room with a blue shirt, flannel, black jeans and sneakers. "Ready?" I said.
"Let's go," he clicked the remote and stood up, "Where to?"
"Let's see..." I opened the door, "I know you don't want to go to the mall...hmmm."
"Actually," he interrupted, "Can we just walk around? Maybe go visit your school or something?"
I looked at him puzzled, "Are you sure? You know that you'll be mobbed."
Justin laughed, "You don't have to be so over-protective. I can take care of myself."
I shrugged, "OK..I can catch my last couple of classes. Let me grab my bag."
I hurriedly went into my room and grabbed my backpack. I opened the door and we stepped out. "The school's this way," as I walked down the street.
Justin looked around the neighborhood, "This is a nice place."
I rolled my eyes, "You don't have to be so generous. You know this place is pretty crappy."
He looked at me shocked, "I'm serious! This place is pretty nice. Each house is so different and everything is so real."
"So real?" I asked puzzled, "I don't understand."
"You've seen where I live, right?" I nodded, "Well, everybody there just wants to get to know you cause of your status. Here, it's..."
"Normal?" I finished the sentence.
He smiled, "Yeah...normal."
"I thought you like to entertain people?"
"I do...but it comes with a price."
"Like being busy all the time and being hounded by thousands of fans."
He laughed, "Yup...but I can't complain."
We slowly walked for a couple of blocks. He would comment on the different houses and I would point out some stuff for him. The day was pretty nice. Not too sunny nor was it windy...it was a perfect blend of the two. Lunch was over and we could see people coming back to the campus. When lunch rolls around about half of the people would go out to eat. I guess the cafeteria food was pretty bad. Didn't know for sure. We stopped about a block away from the side entrance.
"You sure you want to do this?" I asked nervously.
He put his hands on my shoulder and smiled, "I've been through much worse. Don't worry about me. And besides, you're here to protect me, right?"
I laughed, "I guess so."
We casually walked through the gates and headed for my economy class. Everyone hushed as Justin and I walked down the halls.
"Is it this quiet around this time?" he asked as we continued down the corridor.
"Well, duh?" I replied sarcastically, "It's always quiet," I joked.
"Just checking," he laughed.
We entered the fairly large room and sat in the back. There were plenty of seats because a lot of people usually ditch classes this late in the day. I looked around and as usual the straight A students were around. This time they were just peering over their shoulder trying to get a glimpse of Justin. For some unknown reason, no one wanted to sit next to us. There was a ring of empty seats. Justin and I looked at each other and chuckled amongst ourselves.
Ulysses stepped into the room and caught sight of me, "Hey Mano," he waved and walked towards my direction.
"What's up, Uly?" I asked
"Nothing much," he replied, "Hey Justin. My name is Ulysses," he extended out his hand.
"Nice to meet you," Justin shook hands.
"Hey thanks for singing at our prom a couple of nights ago. It's the talk of the town now," he smiled.
"No biggie," Justin replied, "Glad to help Mano here," he smiled towards me.
Ulysses laughed, "Finally came to school eh? Now we know where you've been."
"Please," I rolled my eyes, "I woke up late and Justin wanted a tour of the school."
"Sure," not believing what I said.
"Whatever....Say did I miss much?"
"No, not really," scratching his head, "Just review...nothing major or anything. Oh, I'd better get to my seat," he said as he saw the teacher.
"You've got a good friend," he whispered in my ear.
"Yeah," I sighed, "But we don't hang out together much."
"Why not?" he looked at me puzzled.
"I don't know...I have this feeling that I'll be a bother to him or something."
"Yeah right...You're never a bother," he assured me, "You're just insecure."
"I guess," I shrugged.
The teacher started up the class and of course noticed the new student. I told him that Justin was a friend and I invited him to see what the class is like. I patted myself on the back for convincing the teacher. Justin, as well as everybody else, knew perfectly well why he was here. He giggled at my successful attempt. The teacher was going over some diagrams about the country's economy and such. Justin is a bright student. He paid attention to what the teacher was saying and was even helping me out on some of the group exercises. Boy did I look stupid. I didn't mind. I liked being in need once in a while.
When the class ended, I gave Justin the "ten minute tour" of the campus. Well, it had to be ten minutes because that was the amount of time we had to go from one class to another. I showed him the other rooms as well as the other classes I went to. I also showed him the gym. Boy did he nag about playing one-on-one with me. Of course I was stubborn and just hurried along to my English class. I knew that I had some explaining to do, but I needed to get the assignment. I stepped in and the teacher looked at me a little surprised.
"Aren't you a little late coming here?" she joked.
"I'm sorry about that," I apologized, "I over-slept."
"Since you're hardly absent, I'll let you slide."
"Thanks," I smiled, "What's the assignment for next week?" I asked.
"Just finish reading Huck Finn and be ready to discuss it on Monday. Oh, here's your poem you turned in...Very emotional," she handed me the paper.
I briefly skimmed it over, "Thanks. I'll see you Monday and I'll be there," I laughed
Justin and I walked out of the room and headed for my last class. "What did you get on the assignment?" Justin asked.
"An A."
"Cool. Can I read it?"
"Sure," I handed him the poem.
When he was reading it, I realized about what I wrote, 'Shit!' I thought, 'My God...What if he finds out?' I was starting to panic.
After Justin finished reading it, he handed back the poem, "That's really good. You've got talent."
I just kept walking trying to figure out what to say, "Uhh..I guess," I shrugged my shoulders.
Justin looked at me for a minute or so, "No really, you do have talent. You're so sincere."
I blushed, "Thanks. Here's my last class," I said as I opened the door.
We went in and everything happened just like before. The people in the class were awestruck by Justin and left us alone. The whole time in class, I was occupied with the notion of Justin finding out about me and JC. I can't tell him cause I'm scared of what he might think about me...moreover about JC. I don't want to break their relationship. I could see that they're like brothers and I don't want to stand in their way.
The class was a blur and I couldn't absorb anything. The only thing I managed to get was the homework which is due the following Monday. Time flew pretty quickly and school was out. Justin and I left the class and headed back out the side entrance of the campus. We slowly walked back to my house silently. There was an awkward silence which lingered.
"Do you have any plans for today?" I managed to ask.
"Naaa," he replied, "We have the day off and then we're leaving again to go back on tour on Saturday morning."
"I see," I said, "Interested in doing anything?"
He thought about it for a minute, "I don't know...I'm kinda tired."
"I warned you..."
"No it wasn't that. It's just that we had a rough day yesterday...pretty hectic."
"I understand," I sighed.
"Maybe one of the other guys would want to have some fun before we leave?"
"You sure?"
"Positive. Let me call for a ride."
Justin took his cell phone from his pocket and dialed some numbers. He talked to someone while we headed towards the house. By the time we reach my house, he was finished with his call and put the phone back in his pocket.
"Okay, the ride'll be here like in 10 minutes or so," he said.
"No problem. I can wait." We sat down on the stair leading to the front door.
"Say, can I ask you something?" Justin spoke as he looked across the street.
"Sure."
"I know that you went with JC in his room after we performed and I was wondering what you guys talked about?" he turned to look at me.
I was very nervous. I think he knows. "We talked about some sketches I did," telling him half of the story.
"Oh?" he replied puzzled, "What kind of sketches?"
"Some video concept sketches. Wait, I'll go get them."
I stood up and went inside the house. My heart was racing about a hundred miles an hour by this point. I didn't know what to do. Justin just read my poem and then asked about me and JC. What am I gonna do? I hate keeping secrets. I dashed into my room and then picked up the folder with all the drawings. The memory of that night flooded my head. 'I wish it was true,' I thought to myself. I quickly regained my composure and went back outside.
"These pictures," I said as I handed the folder to Justin.
"Cool," he took the folder and started to look through the sketches. "Once again, you amaze the hell out of me."
"Would you quit with the compliments?" I said sarcastically, "Like I'm sure you guys wanna use it."
"No really," he started, "I think there's a good chance that we can use this stuff."
"Umm..thanks." Just then, the limo quietly rolled down the street and stopped in front of the house.
"Ready to go?" he asked.
"Sure. Do you think any of the guys will want to do anything?" I asked as we entered the limo.
"I'm sure one of them wants to look at the city one more time," he smiled back.
Once in the limo, Justin kept looking at the sketches while I stared out the window. I was feeling a little bit uncomfortable with him around. I didn't know why. I mean, he's basically my brother and all, so why am I feeling this way? Most likely it is because of me and JC, but still...Justin then filed all the sketches back neatly in the folder and handed it to me.
"These are really good," he said, "Most likely, we'll use them."
"If you are, then go ahead and keep it," I replied.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. And besides, I think the other guys would want to see them too."
Justin smiled, "Thanks. Say, do you have any plans for today?"
I thought for a moment, "I don't know...I've got to ask first."
"Why do you have to ask first?" he looked at me puzzled.
"Well, they are visiting so they should decided where to go not me."
"But you know this place better than us. You should decide and surprise us."
"What if I pick a crappy place to go?"
"So...If it's bad, then we won't go back. Simple as that."
I laughed, "I guess you're right as always."
"Me? Right? Please," he laughed back, "I'm the one who's wrong most of the time."
The limo arrived at the hotel and we stepped out. It was a breezy Friday afternoon and cars were everywhere. People were walking around doing their normal routine as well as tourists getting pictures of the buildings. We entered the hotel lobby. I was kinda hungry and Justin agreed to go with me to the little cafe. When we entered, I saw Lance sitting at a table reading some papers and sipping a cup. Both of us changed direction and headed towards Lance.
"Hi Lance," I said.
He looked up, "Hey Mano. Hi Just. What's up?"
"Nothing much," Justin and I sat down, "I was just coming back from a tour of his school."
"Sounds cool," he replied and took another sip, "Wish I could do something."
"Why's that?" I asked.
"These," he waved the papers, "Are more schedule changes. I've got to read them and plan out the agenda."
"Awww, man," Justin complained, "When are we ever gonna get a schedule which doesn't change?"
"By the amount of success you guys have...never," I joked and both of them laughed.
"Can I see the changes?" Justin asked.
"Sure," he handed them the papers, "What' brings you here Mano?"
"Can't I visit my friends?" I joked.
"Hahaha, never thought we were worth visiting."
"Please," I rolled my eyes, "Since you're stuck here with the papers, I'll go ask one of the guys if they want to explore the city."
"Hmmm," Lance stopped reading and thought a little, "Joey is out flirting with some girl he met at Macy's and Chris is dead tired and sleeping in his room."
"What about JC?" I asked.
Lance cocked an eyebrow slightly, "I don't know...He hasn't said much lately. He's probably still in his room."
"Eh?" Justin perked up, "What's wrong with him?"
Lance turned to Justin, "Don't know. He's been a little quiet lately."
"Probably lack of sleep," I interjected.
"Probably..." Lance shrugged his shoulders and resumed reading.
"Oh well...I'll go check to see if JC is up for some exploring," I said as I stood up, "I'll see you around."
"No problem," Justin said.
"Bring me back a beanie," Lance said, "I still need to finish my collection."
I laughed, "The polar bear and penguin, right?"
"You got it," he smiled.
I waved to them and headed toward the elevator. I entered and soon enough I was at JC's floor. I walked towards his room and knocked. There was no answer at first, so I knocked one more time. This time I could hear the shuffling of feet from the other side. The door opened.
"Mano?" he sleepily said, "What are you doing here?"
I was startled by JC's appearance. Though he was only wearing a tank top and his boxers, his face looked like he hadn't slept in days. I was hesitant to respond, but I knew that something's up.
"Nothing much. I was wondering if you wanted to see the city before you leave?"
"Umm...I'm really tired. So I guess..."
"Yeah, I know," I interrupted him, "You guys had a busy day yesterday."
"We did?" he looked at me.
"Yeah, Justin told me about the crazy day that you had...with all the photo shoots and appearances and stuff."
"That was pretty hectic," JC added, "I guess that's why everyone else is pretty tired. Sorry I couldn't go out with you."
"That's OK," I sighed, "I understand. I'll you around then."
"OK...Bye."
I turned around and headed back to the elevator as JC softly closed the door behind him. I knew what this meant...This wasn't real to begin with. I'll just have to take it in stride...if I can get over this that is. I stepped in the elevator and regained my composure. I had to look like I didn't lose the love of my life, which just did happen, and try to play it off. I reached the lobby and went back to the little cafe and headed to where Lance and Justin were seated.
"Well?" Lance asked when he saw me.
I pulled up a seat, "JC looked pretty tired...So I guess everyone is pretty busy."
"I guess," Justin said, "What are you gonna do now?"
"I'll probably go home and do some homework as well," I stood back up, "I will see you guys whenever you drop by, OK?"
"Will do," Lance said, "You take care of yourself, ya hear."
I laughed, "I will."
"Hey Mano," Justin spoke.
"Yeah?"
"Since this is our last day and all...I was wondering if..." he trailed off.
"If I showed you the rest of the city," I finished and he smiled, "It would be a pleasure to."
Justin stood up, "Catch you later, Lance."
"Sure no problem," he replied, "Be sure to come back early cause we're leaving like at 6 in the morning."
"Awe man," he griped, "Let's go," Justin spoke to me.
"Bye Lance," I waved.
"Bye," he answered.
"Where are we headed?" Justin asked me as we stepped out of the hotel.
"Have you ridden in a carriage before?"
"No..." he replied hesitantly, "Why?"
"You'll see..." I smiled evilly at him.
"I don't know about this," he sarcastically said.
I dragged him by the arm and we walked towards the Ferry Building.
"Now all we have to do is wait."
"Wait for what?"
"The stagecoach, duh?" I laughed.
"Oh," he laughed as well.
We didn't have to wait very long because the coach arrived every hour and it was getting close to 4.
"There's one now," I pointed.
The coach was fairly large and was drawn by two magnificent brown horses. The driver pulled up next to us and hopped off his seat. He opened the door and Justin stepped inside. Then I followed him in and the driver closed the door behind me.
"This is way cool," Justin smiled.
"Told you," I smiled back.
"Like I said," he responded looking around the carriage, "You should tell us where to go."
"Okay then...I'll point out all the places where this ride is gonna pass."
The ride was fairly smooth. The rhymical clacking of the horses as well as the wheels turning made this ride a serene one. We passed by the wharf, diners, clubs, buildings, you name it. Justin kept sticking his head out the "window" and I had to keep pulling him back in. I told him that the police around here is very strict and that he could be fined.
He laughed at the idea and just kept sticking his head out. I ignored him and kept pointing out the buildings. The ride consisted of going all the way along the pier up to Fisherman's Wharf, then past the Aquatic Park, and through Ghirardelli Square. We took a stop at Fort Mason to look around a bit and to stretch our legs.
"This is a great place," as Justin breathed in the ocean breeze.
"I guess so," I nodded, "I guess I am lucky to live here."
"Maybe I should move out here?" he laughed.
"I wouldn't mind," I agreed with him.
We stepped back into the carriage and headed off towards the Presidio. The carriage passed by all of the lush eucalyptus trees, which were swaying in the wind, as well as the green rolling hills. Justin and I chatted about the barracks and how all of them looked so much alike. Had a very good time during the ride. The sun was about to set over the water and Justin decided to head back to the hotel.
I agreed and instead of taking the coach back to the hotel, we hailed a cab. The cab ride was much quicker and the carriage. Instead of taking another hour or so..it was like only 10 minutes. The cars winded down and not too many people were about. We reached the hotel and stepped into the lobby.
"Thanks for the tour," Justin said as we headed towards the elevators.
"Hey, it was my pleasure," I smiled at him, "If you're ever around the area, just give me a holler."
"Don't worry I will," the elevator opened, "Want to escort me to the room?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "Sure."
We stepped in and I pushed the button, "Where's your next destination?"
"Well, we got another change and the next stop will be Las Vegas."
"That is so cool," I sounded jealous, "I wish I was going."
Justin perked up, "Why don't you?"
"Me?" I looked at him shocked, "Yeah right...and besides, I still need to finish school."
He sighed, "It was worth a try."
The doors opened and we headed to Justin's room.
"Who knows, if you swing by this summer, maybe I can go with you guys," I tried to cheer him up.
He smiled, "I'd like that."
We jabbered some more while walking towards the room.
"Well...this is it," I sighed.
"Hopefully not the last time," he said.
I gave him a deep hug, "I hope so too."
"Don't worry, we'll make sure it won't be," Justin hugged deeply and broke away.
He opened the door and stepped it, "Bye."
"Bye," I replied and he closed the door.
I looked at the door for a minute and looked down on the floor. I am gonna miss these guys even though they were crazy and all. They are so much fun to be around, I couldn't bear to think that they were leaving tomorrow morning. It was only 7 PM and the sun had set below the horizon. I reluctantly headed towards the elevators.
"Mano..." a soft voice came from behind me.
I stopped and turned around, "JC?"
JC was dressed in a light blue turtle-neck shirt, black pants, and his bomber jacket.
"Umm Mano?" he hesitantly said.
"Yeah.." equally hesitant.
"I'm sorry about earlier and I was wondering if...umm..." he looked at the ground.
"I'd love to," I smiled.
I walked over to him and took him by the arm., "Come on, you slow- poke," I joked.
He laughed a little, "OK, OK, no need to rush."
"Well you are leaving tomorrow morning," I stated, "I don't want you to over-sleep."
"Good point," he agreed.
We stepped into the elevator and headed down to the lobby. My stomach growled pretty loudly. I never had a chance to eat breakfast or lunch and it was almost dinner. Apparently JC heard this.
"Looks like you're hungry," he laughed.
"I didn't get a chance to eat during the tour."
"OK then. We'll eat first."
"Sounds good to me."
"Where do you want to eat?" he asked me.
"I don't want to go to the Hard Rock," I sarcastically said, "The WaterFront is pretty close. We should go there."
"What do they serve?"
"Mostly seafood stuff and the occasional meat by-products."
"Sounds...appetizing," he replied as we stepped out of the elevator.
"It's not far from here. It's actually right next to the Ferry Building," I commented as we left the hotel.
"That makes it convenient," he smiled.
By the time the sun had set, cars were sparse and the people were scattered. It was a perfect opportunity to go romping around the city without too much of a hassle. We reached the place, but to my dismay, it was fairly crowded.
"I don't think we'll be able to get in," I sighed.
"Yeah, I see what you mean," he looked around the place.
"Let's go to the plaza and just get come clam chowder," I suggested.
"Are you sure? I mean I could wait if you want."
"It's ok...I'm starving," I exaggerated.
He laughed and we crossed back the street and ordered some clam chowder in a bread bowl.
"This is neat," he said, "You can eat everything."
"Try not to eat the spoon too," he laughed.
The meal was a fairly quick and quiet one. I sort of knew what was on his mind, but I wasn't so sure. I noticed that he kept looking at me every chance he got. I was a little embarrassed, but I shouldn't be. When the dinner was over, I paid the tab and we left the place.
"Anywhere in particular you want to see?" I asked him.
"No...no really," he smiled, "As long as you're with me, I don't mind."
I blushed heavily, "Ok..." I thought for a minute, "I know. Come on."
I grabbed JC's arm and we headed to the nearest rent-a-car place. I talked the guy into letting me rent a Pathfinder for the night. When everything was set, I hopped in the seat and drove along the winding roads.
"Where are we going?" JC asked.
"You'll see. You're gonna love it."
I drove along the roads and through the semi-crowded streets. It was pretty dark and the sky was clear. You could see the stars twinkling overhead. I managed to get up the mountain and through the confusing road. I parked the car on the side of the road.
"Here we are," I said as I turned off the engine.
JC looked out and was amazed, "This is so beautiful."
"Yup. I think so too."
JC and I stepped out of the vehicle and sat down on the grass, "The city lights sparkle at night," he commented.
"You can see everything from here. The bridge is over there as well as the pyramid," as I pointed to everything.
The place was cold and I didn't bring my jacket. JC lovingly wrapped his arms around me and hugged deeply. I could smell the faint trace of cologne he was wearing. The warmth of his body put me at ease.
"Have you made up your mind?" I softly spoke.
I looked up at him and saw his eyes sparkling from the lights of city. He leaned over and placed his warm, tender lips onto mine. After a minute or so, he broke away.
"Does that answer your question?" he smiled.
I hugged him tighter. A tear rolled down my cheek, "Yes...yes it does. I love you so much."
"I love you too," he softly spoke as he cradled me in his arms.
"Can this work?" I asked, "Will this work?"
"I don't know...But I hope it does."
I broke away from his hold and looked him into his eyes, "What are you going to do with the rest of the guys?"
He looked down, "I don't know..."
"Are you going to tell them?"
"Eventually...But not now," he looked back up, "I'm...I'm...I'm scared."
"I know you are," I wrapped my arms around him, "Remember that I will always be by your side."
"I know...I know..." he gently stroked my hair.
"I wish this night will never end," I sighed, "But I know that you are leaving and I'm gonna miss you so much."
"I'm gonna miss you too, but don't worry...We'll see each other again...I promise," he softly kissed me again.
He held me in his arms while we looked around the city. He would put his head on my shoulder just like when we were at the zoo. For the first time in a long time, I was finally content. I had everything I needed. We stayed in each other's arms until half of the city's lights turned off. I knew that it was time to go.......
Chapter 16: Nearsighted
"JC!" Lance yelled as he pounded the door, "JC, let's go!"
"Alright already!" he yelled back, "Let me get my suitcases!"
"OK. Be downstairs in 10 minutes," Lance commanded as he walked towards the elevator.
JC took one last look outside at the greenish-blue waters of the bay. He let out a small sigh and picked up his bags. JC opened the door and quietly made his way to the elevator and down to the lobby. The elevator reached the lobby and the doors slid open.
"Took you long enough," Chris laughed.
"Sorry about that," he said as he walked towards the guys, "I had trouble packing."
"You? Trouble packing?" Joey said amazed, "I thought that you and Lance were the first ones finished packing?"
"It's just one of those days," he shrugged, "Let's go."
"Hey Scoop," Justin spoke, "What are we gonna do in Las Vegas besides the concert."
"Let's see," Lance pulled out his planner, "When we get there, there's gonna be a short interview, some food, sound check, show, then another interview the next morning."
"Sounds normal enough," Justin replied.
"Hey that reminds me," Joey perked up, "Is there any way we can stop my Mano's house?" JC snapped to attention.
Chris looked at him for a second, "What's up Joey?"
"I wanted to give him a little send off gift before we leave," Joey replied.
Lance looked at his watch, "Sorry Joey, but we're already late by an hour. I wanted to go to his house as well to say good-bye," JC drooped back down.
"Oh well," Joey shrugged his shoulders, "It was a thought."
The guys left the lobby and hopped onto the waiting tour bus. There were fans lined up along the sidewalk trying to get a picture or autograph of them. Of course the guys waved and smiled at their fans. Soon everyone was in the bus and put away their luggage in the proper compartments. JC went straight to his bunk to get some more sleep. Chris and Joey were in the back lounge playing some video game and Lance and Justin were up front in the kitchen area. The bus roared on and it slowly lurched forward. Once in motion, the bus headed towards their next destination, Las Vegas.
Lance looked in his planner to see if there were any more adjustments to their already altered schedule. Justin pulled out the folder containing all of the video concept sketches that I gave him. He meticulously looked over the sketches trying to envision how it would tie into the song it was drawn for. Lance looked over the planner and was curious on what Justin was looking so intently at.
"What are those?" he asked.
"These are video sketches that Mano drew for our album," Justin kept looking through the sketches.
"Really?" Lance put down the planner, "He did all this for us?"
Justin nodded his head, "Yeah...He did a very good job at it too."
"Can I see some?" Lance eagerly asked.
Justin handed him the last half of the stack and both of them stared intently at the drawings.
"He really has talent," Lance commented, "I wish I could draw like this."
"No kidding. But what I want to know is how does he come up with the ideas," Justin scratching his head.
"I don't know, but no matter how he does it, it's so awesome."
Justin nodded in agreement and both of them continued looking through the papers. Lance flipped through the stack and came across something which didn't belong with the rest of the drawings. He looked puzzled at first at the sketch. It was a drawing of a guy who Lance didn't recognize, but knew that I had drawn it. The drawing had no indication of who the person was. It didn't make much sense to Lance.
"Justin," he said and Justin looked up, "Do you know what this picture is supposed to be?"
Lance handed the sketch to him and he looked at it just as intently as the others.
"Where'd you find this?" Justin asked.
"It was in the stack you gave me. Do you know who he is?"
Justin shook his head, "Nope...Never seen the face before."
"Does Mano know who he is?"
"Most likely, or else he wouldn't have drawn it," Justin put the sketch on the table.
Lance looked at it one more time and his eyes locked onto something that was drawn.
Justin noticed, "Lance, what do you see?"
"I...I'm not sure," he looked at Justin, "What does that look to you?" he pointed at the picture.
Justin quickly glanced at it, "Yeah...so. It's a necklace."
"Yeah, but what kind of necklace?"
Justin peered closer. Then his jaw dropped, "It's a wreath with a letter `R' in the middle."
"Like the one Mano was wearing, right?" he said hesitantly.
Justin nodded his head, "Who...who is he?"
"I dunno," Lance shrugged his shoulders, "His boyfriend?" Lance recoiled at what he just said.
"His WHAT!" Justin barked.
"Shhhh...Please Justin..." Lance pleaded, "Please calm down."
"Mano's...gay?" he softly whispered.
Lance reached across the table and put his hand on Justin's arm, "Please don't hate him," Lance begged, "It's not his fault. He was gonna tell us when the time was right, but he was afraid to lose the friendship that he built with us."
Justin just sat there still looking at the picture. Not in anger or shock, but more of confusion.
"Don't think less of him. He's still your friend, isn't he?"
Justin took a deep breath, "I guess...But I still don't understand why he didn't tell us sooner."
"I guess there was no need to," Lance removed his hand and sat back down, "He was happy hanging with us that it didn't matter."
"You're probably right," Justin looked Lance straight in the eyes, "How did you know that he was gay?"
Lance didn't say anything at first, "He kinda mentioned it while we were talking..." he said slowly.
"I see..." Justin nodded his head.
"Please don't tell anyone else," Lance begged, "I told him that I wouldn't tell anyone."
"I understand," Justin replied and stared at the table, "I won't say anything."
"Thanks."
Justin just shrugged his shoulders and Lance frowned while he resumed looking through the sketches. Lance felt guilty about blurting out the secret. It was an accident, but he still felt bad about it. Justin just sat and stared out the window not looking at anything in particular. He looked at the vineyards which lined the road as well as the Sierras which loomed in the far distance. He sighed and stood up. Justin walked away from the table and headed towards the back lounge. Lance followed him with his eyes until he was out of sight. Lance was very worried that Justin is going to tell the guys, but it's out of his hands.
Justin walked through the bus being careful not to bump into the walls. The bus had a habit of being rough during the long trips. He saw Chris and Joey still playing and he decided to sit on the couch next to the window. He grabbed his CD player from the table and put it on. He didn't care what was on, as long as his head was occupied, it didn't matter.
"You're weak!" Joey bellowed at Chris.
"At least I don't cheat," Chris replied.
"Who me?"
"I bet if you didn't do those moves, you couldn't beat me."
"Well, doing those moves is not cheating. You just don't know how to pull it off."
"Yeah...right."
They continued playing their game for a little while longer. Chris noticed Justin staring blankly out the window.
"Hey Joey," Chris whispered.
"Yeah?" he whispered back.
"What's wrong with Just?"
Joey slowly peered over his shoulder, "I don't know...but I don't like it."
"Me either...I don't want this to happen again."
Joey nodded, "You want to talk to him or should I?"
"I think you should. I'm not good at these kinds of things," Joey nodded.
They stopped playing the game and shut off the TV. Chris got off the floor and headed to the kitchen. Joey sat near Justin looking at some papers on the table.
"Justin," Joey spoke, but Justin didn't answer, "Hey Justin," Joey said again and waved his hand in front of him.
Justin was startled and took off the headphone, "Oh sorry about that Joey," he looked at him, "What's up?"
"You," Joey looked straight into Justin.
"Uh...me?" sounding confused.
"Don't lie...You're never the one to lie," Joey said bluntly, "Something is bothering you and I want to help."
"Well..." Justin looked down at the floor.
"I'm here for you bro...what's wrong," Joey scooted closer.
"Umm...I guess it's one of those days that I'm having..I guess."
"PMS?" Joey asked.
Justin looked at him and threw a cushion at Joey and started laughing, "You are so stupid."
Joey laughed as well, "What? Me? You said it was one of those days."
"Please," he rolled his eyes back, "If I really had PMS, I would have smacked you across the bus."
"You wanna try?" enticing Justin.
"That's it, you're gonna get it!"
Justin vaulted at Joey and they both rolled across the floor. They were laughing and trying to pin each other on the floor. They made quite a mess. They knocked over a small table and papers littered the floor. When Joey broke free, he grabbed a cushion and flung it at Justin. The cushion smacked squarely at his face. Justin retaliated by throwing the same cushion back at him. They kept going for some quite some time. JC slowly walked to the back lounge.
"Can't anyone get some sleep around here?" he sleepily said.
Justin and Joey stopped wrestling. They were sweating and breathing pretty hard.
"Sorry bout that," Justin puffed.
"Yeah..We got carried away a little," Joey added.
"It's OK," JC yawned, "I was gonna wake up anyway."
"You look beat," Joey commented, "What did you do?"
"I was exploring the San Fran before we left," JC replied.
"You must have stayed up pretty late."
"Pretty much. I'm gonna go check with Lance bout the next stop," JC left the lounged and walked towards where Lance and Chris were.
Justin got off the floor and stretched, "I'm gonna catch some Zs."
"OK..And I'll just clean this place up," Joey looked around.
Justin laughed and slipped into his bunk. Within a minute, Justin was lightly sleeping under the covers.
JC walked into the kitchen area, opened the mini-fridge and pulled out some water.
"Hey guys," he said as he sat next to Lance.
"S `up," Chris said.
"Hey," Lance spoke.
"What's going on?" JC asked.
"Nothing much," Lance replied, "We're just looking at the sketches at Mano drew for us."
"Yeah...They look pretty good," Chris commented as he flipped through the pages, "I wonder if the execs will let us use the ideas?"
"I think we could convince them," JC said, "I know they're pretty good looking."
Lance turned towards him, "You saw these already?"
"Yeah. Mano showed them to me during his prom. He was supposed to give them to me so I can show them to you guys, but I guess he took them back."
"Ahhh," Chris said.
"What?" JC looked at him.
"This one is really cool," Chris flipped over the picture.
The sketch depicted a mother playing with her child and near the bottom, the title was "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time."
"That is so sweet," JC looked at the sketch, "I think the execs will definitely give us the go."
"I agree," Lance looked at it as well, "We've gotta use these sketches."
"I'll look at the other sketches later," Chris go off the seat, "I want to beat Joey up some more."
"Hahaha...Good luck cause you're gonna needed it," JC commented.
"Funny...very funny," Chris left the kitchen.
"Any plans once we get there?" JC asked Lance.
"It's the same old thing...No surprises," Lance handed him his planner.
JC opened it and looked through the dates, "You're right...no surprises."
Lance nodded and continued looking through the sketches. JC closed the planner and turned to look at Lance. He noticed the short spiky blonde hair of his. He carefully examined the features of his nose as well as his cheek. JC also caught a glimpse of Lance's light green eyes. Memories flooded of all the good times they had been through. JC just sat there smiling looking at Lance.
Lance, noticing the sudden silence, looked to where JC was. He was surprised to see that JC was looking straight at him. Lance froze on the spot no knowing what to do. After a few seconds, Lance noticed that JC wasn't responding.
"JC," Lance shook him a little, "Yo JC."
JC blinked a couple of times, "Oh..oops sorry. Just daydreaming," he smiled.
"About what?" asking hesitantly.
"About all the fun times we had and how stubborn you were not joining the group," he laughed.
Lance laughed too, "Lucky for me you guys are very persuasive."
JC smiled, "I'll just go chill in the lounge for a while and see what the other guys are doing. Catch you later."
"OK..see ya."
JC left the kitchen to join the noisy group in the back. Lance sat in the seat staring out the window.
`Is that all he was thinking about?' he thought.
The road trip was long and boring as usual, but the guys managed to keep themselves occupied during the trip. Whether it was pillow fights to playing cards, they were constantly doing something. Six hours later, they arrived at their destination. The trip would have been shorter, but Lance insisted that they stop and hike a while up the mountains. It wasn't quite summer yet, so the place was full of trees which coated the mountainside. When the bus stopped the hotel, everyone hurriedly got off.
"Whoo hoo!" Joey yelled, "Finally off that bus."
Chris jumped on his back, "Hahaha...no kidding."
"Hey, hey," Lance said, "There'll be plenty time for that later. Right now we have an interview to do in thirty minutes."
"That means we get ourselves settled in and ready," JC added.
They entered the Hilton's front doors.
"I'll go get the keys. Don't move, I'll be back," Justin said as he walked to the front desk.
It wasn't long until Justin came back with the keycards for their rooms. They had the sixth floor reserved for them and staff. Everyone went up the elevator with their carry-on and headed to their rooms. The group took about 15 minutes to get dressed and prepare for the interview. As usual, JC and Lance were the first ones done and they were already down at the lobby.
"Do we have any free time while we're here?" JC asked.
"We have about an hour and a half in-between sound check and this interview," Lance said as he looked at the planner.
"Cool," JC smiled, "Wanna explore the place?"
Lance thought about it for a minute, "Sure, but remember, I can't gamble."
"Who said anything about gambling," JC laughed, "Circus Circus is just a block away from here and I know that you need to finish your collection."
Lance laughed at his remark, "It is easier to buy them than to win them."
"What's the fun in that? We're in Vegas and taking risks is what this place is all about."
Lance shook his head, "OK OK, stop with the nagging...You got me. I'll go with ya."
"I knew you couldn't say no," Lance snickered, "Besides, I haven't chilled with you for a while."
"Same here," Lance slightly blushed.
The elevators chimed open and the rest of the guys stepped out.
"Took you guys long enough," Lance crossed his arms, "If you guys don't step up we're gonna be late."
"Calm down Scoop," Justin soothed him, "We'll hurry just for you."
Everyone laughed and Lance rolled his head back.
A limo was waiting for them out in front of the hotel. They all piled up and chatted about what they are gonna do during the interview. They also chatted about Vegas and what they were going to do after the performance. The ride was a slow one because of the massive amounts of cars on the road. After all, this was Vegas and people are drawn to it like a magnet.
The limo driver knew the roads inside and out, so the drive to the radio station took only twelve minutes. They guys flopped out of the limo trying to be on time. When they reached the radio booth, they were exactly on time. The DJ joked about how worried everybody was. Chris and Joey joked back at the DJ about everything.
The interview was the standard radio thing with the basic questions. There was even a viewer call-in so the audience could ask questions about the guys, no matter how silly the questions were. The guys joked and laughed about everything and the radio crew had a good time as well. Of course, the final question was if everybody was single. All of the guys answered in unison, "Yes," and JC commented that they all loved to date.
The interview wound down and everybody headed back to the limo. Again, the drive was relatively quick. Justin, Chris, and Joey headed back to their rooms so they can get rested for later. JC and Lance stayed back in the lobby.
"Ready to go?" JC asked.
"Sure."
They headed out the door and slowly walked towards the casino. The sun was still prominent in the sky, but it wasn't as hot as before.
"Have you vacationed here before?" JC spoke up.
"Nope...I usually go tropical instead of the desert."
"Me either. I guess this is something that we have in common as well."
Lance laughed a little, "Yeah...suppose you're right," Lance looked at his watch, "You know, we should hurry up a little. We don't have much time to have fun."
"Right!" JC smiled, "We should pick up the pace."
This time they hurried along the streets, bobbing and weaving through the thick mass of people. They reached the entrance and JC opened the door and let Lance go through first. They went up the escalator so that they could go to the gaming area. They finally reached it and looked around for a game so that they could win something good.
Lance spotted this horse racing game where you would roll the ball towards holes on the other end. Each hole represented a different number and that number corresponds to the number of steps each horse would travel. Lance sat on one end and JC was next to him. They played a couple of times, but kept losing to a kid who was sitting on the other side. They gave up playing and looked for another game.
"This is nice," Lance commented.
"Yeah..a lot of things to do," JC added.
"Plus, no one seems to recognize us."
"Hmmm...Probably because there's a lot of people here."
"Guess you're right," Lance shrugged, "Hey, let's try that one over there," he pointed to a game.
JC laughed, "I should have known."
They walked over to a game where you had laser rifles. The rifles looked ordinary, but instead of shooting bullets, it pulsed out a beam of light. Lance wanted to try out his marksmanship while JC passed. JC didn't mind guns all that much, but didn't care to shoot with them either. Lance fired ten shots and only managed to hit five targets.
JC laughed, "I thought you were good at this sort of stuff."
"These things are aligned properly," Lance complained.
"Yeah right. Let's go somewhere else."
"OK. Where to?"
JC looked around and saw something which might be fun to do. He lead the way and wound up in a room full of plastic balls. No one was in there so it would be cool just to goof off.
"Here?" Lance questioned.
"Oh come on," JC pulled off his shoes, "Didn't you play in one when you were a kid?"
"Yes I did, but I think I'm kinda big for this."
"Whatever," JC jumped in and disappeared in the sea of colorful spheres.
"Oh what the hell," Lance shrugged, kicked of his shoes and jumped in.
He too disappeared in the sea and started to move around. All you could see were two mounds moving about, it looked like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Lance popped his head up to see where JC was. He scanned the entire area, but couldn't spot him.
"Hey JC, where are you?" Lance said. There was no answer, "Come on JC. We're gonna be late." Still no answer.
Just then, JC grabbed Lance from behind and they both fell backwards. Lance broke free of the hold and rolled on top of JC.
"Gotcha," JC smiled, "Scared you didn't I?"
"Damn right you did," Lance smiled, "Good one though."
They locked into each other's eyes and just stayed there motionless for what seem like a long time. They were lost in each other. Lance unknowingly started to sift JC's hair in-between his fingers. JC didn't do anything at first, but let him gently stroke his hair for a little bit. Lance stopped and realized what he was doing. He jerked his hand back quickly got off of JC.
"Umm..Guess it's time to go," Lance quickly got out of the room and quickly put back on his shoes.
JC was still lying down confused at what Lance was doing and his sudden reaction, Was that it?' he thought to himself, Was that why he was out of it?'
JC didn't say a word and got up as well. He went to where his shoes were and slipped them on. They left the place and headed back to their hotel. Neither of them wanted to speak for they were afraid of what could happen. Lance was still warm, but not from the wind or temperature, but from that moment he was stroking JC's hair.
They finally reached the hotel and both of them headed towards their room to get ready for tonight. Lance and JC had other things on their mind, but neither of them wanted to share it with anyone else. Confused, frightened, shocked, they just blocked it out of their minds and hoped it would disappear in time.
It's been two weeks since I had seen JC and the rest of the guys. I had graduated high school with full honors. I wasn't valedictorian or anything, but I was treated like one. I had already sent out applications to the various universities I wanted to attend, but none of them had gotten back to me. I guess it was still too early for them to give back a response.
I have been working part time as an assistant for the theatre for a while now and I've gotten to know the people there. Once you get past their suspicious attitude towards you, they are pretty cool people. Though I kinda get a little weary about their attitude towards other people. They seem not to let people get the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I shouldn't complain because they have their views and I have my own.
I was sitting at home just doodling when the phone rang. It was probably another annoying tele-marketer or something. Hated those companies. Can't they take no for an answer. I put down the pencil and went to answer the phone.
"Hello?" I spoke.
"Hi. May I speak to Mano please," a familiar voice echoed.
After a couple seconds I realized who it was, "Oh my God! How've you been!"
"Hahaha. Missed us that much," he joked.
"You're damn right I miss you guys," I sat on the couch, "So how's everything? How's the tour coming along."
"Everything's been hectic lately," he said exasperatedly.
"Oh? How so?" "Well, we did ten days of straight performances and instead of taking the bus, we were flown from city to city."
"Gee, I didn't know it was that rough."
"It's not supposed to be, but the execs are trying to make us hurry so we can back to Orlando."
"Why? I thought the tour was fairly successful."
"It is, but they want us to put out our next single as well as the new video."
"New video? Hmmm... Which one is it?"
"You'll see..."
"Awe come on...please," I begged.
"Hahaha. It's gonna be a surprise."
"You know that I hate surprises."
"Yes I do...That's why it's a surprise."
"OK fine...So how's everybody doing."
"Justin's been sleeping a lot. I don't blame him though. Lance has been quiet as well, but he's up to his neck in management papers. Hmm..Oh, JC has been hyper-active lately and...."
"Wait, huh? Hyper-active?" I asked confused.
"Yeah...every city we've been to, he's dated a chick from one of the Meet and Greet sessions."
"He....has?" I softly spoke.
"Pretty funny actually. I never knew that he did that sort of thing," he laughed on the other end.
I forced a small laugh, "Yeah...I wouldn't have imagined that either."
"Oh Mano."
"Yeah."
"You finished school right?"
"Yeah."
"Cool, will you be able to swing around Orlando for maybe a week or so. All of us would love for you to come."
"Umm...I don't know. I've got to see about my schedule."
"OK..No pressure. I was just wondering."
"Thanks for the offer, but I've been occupied with college stuff right now."
"I see. Huh? Oh, I hope I can talk to you later, I'm gonna be late with rehearsals."
"Okay, I'll talk to you later then."
"OK, c ya," and the phone clicked.
I slowly put back the receiver.
"He's...dating..." I slowly whispered, "Then why did he say that he loved me? But...why?"
I was upset at JC, but I had to know for sure. This could all be just a rumor and a big misunderstanding. Or maybe the execs put him up to it for publicity or something. I've fought being alone for so long that I'm not going to give up. I have to believe that he still loves me. But there was that doubt lingering in the back of my head that keeps saying that I was being used. That JC could have whatever he wanted and don't give a shit about me.
I fought the tears long and hard. I didn't want to believe it...it was all in my head. Probably when I go to Orlando, I'll learn the truth straight from JC. But still...that feeling that I have. Then I realized that he had never called me since we parted. I started to get depressed even more. I had to do something to keep myself from losing it completely. I tore out a page from my sketchbook and just started to jot down things. Words, poems, sentences, things with no meaning. Then I started to write down a song. I was surprised that I was composing a song...
You are my fire...The one desire...
Believe when I say...I want it that way....
But we...Are two worlds apart...
Can't reach to your heart....When you say...
That I want it that way...
Tell me why...Ain't nothing but a heartache...
Tell me why...Ain't nothing but a mistake...
Tell me why...I never want to hear you say...
I want it that way...
Am I...Your fire...
Your one...Desire...
Desire...It's too late...
But I want it that way.
Tell me why...Ain't nothing but a heartache...
Tell me why...Ain't nothing but a mistake...
Tell me why...I never want to hear you say...
I want it that way...
Now I can see that we've fallen apart...
From the way that it used to be...
No matter the distance...
I want you to know...
That deep down inside of me...
You are my fire...The one desire...
You are, you are, you are.......
Don't want to hear you say...
Ain't nothing but a heartache...
Ain't nothing but a mistake...
I never want to hear you say...
I want it that way...
Tell me why...Ain't nothing but a heartache...
Tell me why...Ain't nothing but a mistake...
Tell me why...I never want to hear you say...
I want it that way...
Tell me why.....
I finished the song and put my head down on the table with my arms folded over it. I cried myself to sleep on the table that day......