** I guess you guys have been waiting for this next segment of the ** story. I thought that I wrapped things up already. I guess I wasn't ** too clear. Read the other N' Sync and BSB stories, they are way more ** interesting than this one. You can say that this story is one of those ** 50 new "boy" bands that won't succeed. Oh, well..
** I have also noticed that I kinda used some ideas from other writers. ** I'm really sorry for doing so. I didn't know until I posted it up ** and re-read some of the older stuff. I know that I used some parts ** of "Just-JC" as well as "Brian and Justin." There are other stories ** that I used ideas as well...sorry about that. I'll try not to do that ** in future segments.
** This segment contains more narration than usual. I don't know why, ** but it does and I don't like it. You can't put feelings in a narration. ** All of the mentioned lyrics go to their respected songs.
Chapter 9: On My Own...
Everyone's eyes grew big when they saw who was sitting there.
"Oh my God," Myra tried not to yell.
"Damn they look so FINE," Ellen added.
"What do they have that I don't?" Hung questioned.
Myra and Ellen looked at him for a moment and started laughing, "They've got a lot of things that you don't have," Ellen said.
"Yeah right," rolling his eyes back.
"I can't believe that they're here!" Jamila said as she squeezed Jerry's arm.
"Yeah I know," Jerry commented, "I wish I could get an autograph from them so I can give it to my niece. She's nuts over them."
"We're nuts over them too you know," Ellen and Myra said in unison to Jerry.
"Gee," I finally started to speak, "I didn't know that the Backstreet Boys were in town."
Everyone looked at me like either I was totally blind or absolutely insane.
"Backstreet Boys?" Ellen sarcastically asked, "Where the hell did you get that idea?"
"Yeah Mano," Myra punching me in the arm, "You're blind. That's N' Sync."
"Oh....I see," sounding that I didn't know the difference.
"You're hopeless," Jerry added.
"Fine," I said crossing my arms, "I guess you're not getting the autographs that you wanted."
"What?" everyone except Ellen shouted.
"What'd you mean 'getting autographs?'" Jamila leered towards me.
"Mano said that he knows them," Ellen responded, not sounding that she believed me.
"You?" Myra looking at me funny, "Yeah right."
"I see you guys don't believe me," getting annoyed at them.
"You don't have to make up stories for us to like you," Jerry said, "We like you for who you are."
That did it. I couldn't believe that I was being shot down in front of people who wanted to get to know me better. I stared at Jerry long and hard. He drew back into his seat sensing my anger. Everyone felt awkward at what had just transpired.
"I...I'm sorry," Jerry said softly, "It....it's just hard for us to believe that you know them. I mean...we just met you and all, and we're not sure if you are telling the truth or not...." he rambled on.
"Don't take it personal," Jamila tried to defend him, "Everybody's like that."
That put me over the edge, "FINE!" I yelled at them, "If you guys feel that way about me, then see ya!" I quickly stood up and started to walk away.
"Wait!" Jerry tried to call me back, "We didn't mean it."
Myra tried to grab my arm, but she only caught air. I was infuriated. I couldn't believe that I was just dissed by my so called "friends." What...doesn't anyone tell the truth around here anymore? I could only hear the dance music that was going around me. I didn't even look back at them. I squeezed through people what were dancing and in certain spots, I had to push my way through. From the table, the guys looked pretty close, but when you actually try to walk over to them, its a lot farther that you might expect.
I finally reached the guys' table and I was a little bit surprised. I noticed that each of them wore the jeweled pins that I gave. The pins were quite noticeable and I was surprised that they decided to wear it so prominently. They didn't have their usual faces. They had sweat on their foreheads indicating that they had already danced, but there was something in the air. All of them just looked at the table. I saw Lance swirling the ice cubes in his drink with a straw. Joey and Chris were trying to make something with the napkins in front of them. JC and Justin just slouched in their seats. 'What happened to them,' I thought to myself.
"Umm...excuse me, but would you mind if I got your autographs?" I asked in a meek tone.
"Actually..." Lance started as he kept playing with the ice, "...we're really not in mood right now. If you mind, we would like to be alone."
I was really getting worried. I would never have imagined that they would turn down a fan. "Yeah...well," I said normally, "...I miss you too."
All of them snapped their heads up and looked so surprised, I thought they saw a ghost.
"Mano?!?" they asked in unison.
"Gee...It's only been a couple of weeks and you guys forgot what I look like already," I joked.
Justin grabbed my hand and shook it vigorously. Without warning, he gave me a hug.
"We all miss you," he beamed me with a smile.
JC grabbed an empty seat from the nearby table, "Have a seat," he offered me.
I accepted and everyone livened up quite a bit. I had no idea that I had this much influence over them. "You guys look so out of it," I said getting straight to the point.
"Our tour schedule really sucks right now," Chris said angrily.
"Yeah....We don't have free time anymore," Lance added.
"It wasn't as bad as before," Joey stepped in.
"Now it's just concerts, interviews, appearances and more concerts," JC sighed, "We want another vacation."
"There's always a trade-off," I tried to assure them, "You just have to endure it until it's over or you've gotten used to it."
"We know...we know," Justin said, "But since you're here maybe it could be a little easier."
Everyone nodded their head in agreement, but I wasn't quite sure what Justin had meant by that.
"What brings you to the Sound Factory?" I asked, changing the subject.
"We thought that we could try to calm down," JC answered, "We're not far from the hotel."
I turned to look at Justin, "I thought you weren't old enough to go clubbing?"
"Everyone had to go," Lance spoke up for him, "So we dragged him in here."
"Actually, it's pretty cool in here," Justin said to me.
"OK, another annoying question for you guys," I said.
"You're never annoying," Chris interrupted.
"Anyway....what are you doing here in San Francisco?"
"We're doing our new video," Joey smiled, "They're filming it at one of the warehouses," he whispered to me.
"I see..."
"How've you been doing?" Justin asked.
"Me? Well, it's the same old stuff," I sighed.
"What about your prom?" JC asked next, "When's it gonna be? Did you pick out a theme. Which hotel did you pick?"
I laughed at JC and everyone joined in, "Hold on, hold on. It sounds like I'm being interviewed here instead of you guys. But seriously...my prom won't happen until mid-May and I haven't gotten around looking for a ballroom yet. I should cause time's running out. As for the theme, I'm gonna use one of your songs."
JC looked at me quizzically, "Yep...I'm going to use 'A Little More Time' as the theme."
Justin smiled widely, "You finally figured out who we are, huh?"
"Yeah...I knew you guys were famous, but I never imagined that you guys are actually the Backstreet Boys."
There was silence at the table. Suddenly Joey, Lance and Chris busted up laughing. It was so contagious that JC, Justin and I joined them in the laughter. After Lance settled down a bit, he flagged down a waitress and ordered all of us drinks. None of us could drink any type of alcoholic beverage because we might get a hangover the next morning.
"Are you guys doing anything tomorrow?" as I took a sip of Sprite.
"We still have to finish up the rest of the video," Chris responded, "Then we can get the rest of Saturday off as well as a little bit of Sunday morning."
"Are you doing anything tomorrow?" JC asked.
"I have to go to work that morning," I turned towards him, "Then, I'll be off at around 5:30."
JC smiled widely, "That's cool. Maybe we can get a tour of the city from you."
I was ecstatic and Justin began to speak, "You and Lance get off early, while the rest of us has to work." crossing his arms.
I frowned, "Are you guys doing anything on Sunday?" I hesitantly asked, "I have the day off."
"Yeah, good idea," Justin replied, "We won't be leaving until 3 in the afternoon. That'll be great!"
I was relieved that I would be able to spend some time with the guys. I miss having company.
"Which video are you guys making?" I remembered.
"It's going to be 'Tearin Up My Heart'", Joey responded.
"Cool."
I sat there at the table and chatted away with everyone. I was surprised that the guys missed me as much as I missed them. I guess there's a mutual feeling between all of us. There was one strange thing though. Every time, JC would crack a joke, he would always nudge me with his elbow, hinting that I should laugh with him. I would either laugh or chuckle at his jokes anyway. But every time JC nudged me, Justin kinda glanced over and looked at us. Not to mention the fact that Lance also looked in my direction as well. Something's been happening while I was gone. Oh no, not again...
We chatted as if I never left Orlando. I asked them what they've been up to and everyone complained and bitched about their tour schedule. They asked me what I've been doing and I complained and bitched about my school schedule. We had a good time and laughed like crazy. Lance and Chris kept getting the waitress and we probably had about 3 rounds of non-alcoholic juice or some sort of fruity drink. Time was passing pretty quickly. No one felt like dancing and everyone was interested in the local life around here as well as juicy gossip. They swear I know that kind of stuff around here.
A few tables away, my friends were watching me with awe.
"Look at that," Jamila said pointing in my direction, "Mano's cuttin' it up with them."
"It's as if he knows them or something," Hung responded.
Then in dawned on Jerry, "What if he really DOES know them?"
Everyone was quiet until it sunk in. "And we called him a liar," Myra looked down at the table sad.
"What're we going to do?" Ellen spoke, "I thought he was just joking."
"Well, Jerry?" Hung looking at him, "Do you have any ideas?"
"Why does it have to be me?" Jerry replied annoyed.
"Because you're the one who told him that we didn't trust him," Jamila pointing at him.
"What'd you mean? You all agreed with me. You have apologize to him as much as I have to. I'm not going to take all of the blame cause you guys won't admit that you were wrong," looking at everyone angrily.
"OK, OK, relax Jerry," Ellen admitted, "We'll all apologize to him."
"I don't think he wants to talk to us right now," Myra said looking at our table, "It looks like he would rather be with them."
"We have to apologize to him," Jamila said.
"But do we do it now or later?" Jerry asked.
"We'll do it now," Hung got up his seat and started to walk towards my table.
"What do you mean you guys can't get a date?" I asked them in shock.
"Well you see," Lance looking down at the table, "It's pretty hard to get to know someone while you're on the road."
"Yeah," JC sighed, "The second we start to get to know someone, we have to leave to the next spot."
"And they can't come with us," Joey added.
"Lemme guess...their parents won't let them go with you, right?" I started laughing and Joey blushed.
As we continued to talk about pick-up lines and such, the guys started to quiet down a bit and looked over my shoulder.
"What?" I asked all of them.
"Ahem," Hung said behind me.
"What do you want?" I asked without turning my head.
"Can we talk?"
"We're talking now."
There was a small pause, "It's about earlier."
I turned to look at him angrily, "Jerry made it crystal clear that all of you didn't believe a word I said. Why would I believe a word you have to say?"
First there was an expression of shock and then of anger, "I came over here to apologize to you and you just diss me? Fine, I shouldn't have come in the first place," he stormed away of the table.
I turned and looked at the guys. They were surprised at what had just happened.
"What was that about?" Justin asked with concern.
"Nothing important...anymore," I replied looking at my glass.
"You are a really bad liar," JC said, "We're here to help you out."
I looked at him and smiled a little, "Well it's like this....My co-workers invited me to go clubbing so they can get to know me better. Then I told them that I knew you guys. They just laughed at it and said it in my face that I was a liar...." trailing off.
An awkward silence came forth. "I understand what you're feeling," Lance spoke up, "They should have at least given you the benefit of the doubt."
"That's what I thought," I looked up at him, "But I guess everyone here in San Francisco is suspicious of everybody."
JC put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed a little, "Don't worry Mano, all of us believe you no matter what you say."
I looked up at JC and he was smiling. I looked at the rest of the guys and they were smiling as well. I felt so safe with these guys. As if I finally have a place where I can belong and not to be worried about what other people said.
"You guys hungry?" I finally spoke up.
"Yeah," Chris said, "We hadn't eaten in a while."
"There's a cool little diner that is really close by. It's on Third Street. I think it's called Max's Diner."
"Hey, I haven't been in one in a long time," Justin smiled.
"Then it's set," Lance concluded.
We got up out of our seats and started toward the exit. There were a lot of people on the dance floor and we had to squeeze through all of them. Once in a while, one of the guys was stopped by a fan and they gave them an autograph or such. I passed by the table where my "friends" were and I didn't look at them. I was mad as hell and right now I did not want to even be near them. To think that they wanted to get know me better, but just blew me off.
Finally outside, the Lance called for the limo on his cell. Within a few minutes, the limo had arrived and we hopped in. I told the driver where to go and we were off. It really was a short drive from the club to the diner. Since it was pretty late at night, there were hardly any cars on the road. It took only five minutes to get there. We hopped out and walked to the entrance.
The diner was your typical diner. The outside had very shiny aluminum trims and very large windows. Inside, it just looked so cool. Everything looked like the 50's. The bright red stools as well as the jukebox prominently positioned against one of the walls. When Chris saw it, he ran over and looked through all of the selections. All of us just laughed and headed toward one of the tables in the corner next to the window. The waitress came over and handed each of us a menu plus an extra one for Chris. When Chris came back, jazz softly mingled in the air.
"Nice choice," JC commented.
"I knew you'd like it," Chris said.
We briefly looked over the menu to see what they had to offer. JC ordered a Max burger with some water; Justin got the BLT and orange juice; Chris decided on the cheeseburger with onion rings and a Sprite; Joey wanted the flame-broiled burger with juice; Lance ordered the chicken sandwich with Coke; and of course I got the garden burger with a strawberry-coke. All of the entrees included fries and some greens.
Lance looked at me funny, "What's a strawberry-coke?"
"You haven't heard what that is?" I looked at him quizzically. He just shook his head.
"It's Coke with a hint of strawberry extract." I explained.
"Oh," he said, but I could tell he didn't quite understand what it was.
"I'll give you a sip so you can taste what it is. It's kinda hard to explain," I offered and Lance agreed.
Again, we just talked about this and that. Along the way, we would look outside to make sure that a crowd hadn't formed outside of the diner. Just in case we had to depart rather quickly. I asked them all sorts of questions. During the interrogation, I thought about what I was doing. I realized that I was sounding and acting like a crazed fan. Knowing this, I eased up on asking too much cause I know that the last thing the guys wanted to hear is somebody asking a zillion questions about them.
The food came and we dug in. From the look of everyone eating, they were quite hungry. Halfway through Chris' meal, he got up and headed to the jukebox once again. This time Frank Sinatra's voice was permeating through the empty diner. It was really empty in here. It was just us, the waitress and the cook. The loneliness of the place didn't bother me, as long as the guys were here, I could never be lonely.
I gave Lance a couple of sips of my soda and he loved it. He told the others guys to try it out. They all took a sip of it and thought it tasted pretty cool. By the time I wanted to drink from it, it was almost empty. I just looked at them and they laughed. I asked the waitress for some vanilla-coke this time around. Lance wanted to get a taste of that too as well as everyone else. I told them that if they wanted to taste it, they should order one of their own instead of drinking mine all up. We all laughed.
I looked at my watch and was surprised that it was almost 2 AM, "It's getting late you guys."
Everyone looked at their watches and agreed, "We have to get to the warehouse my 10," Lance said.
"OK...How's tomorrow gonna work?" I asked.
"We'll have the limo go to your work and pick you up," Justin said, "That way you won't get lost getting to where we are."
"Sounds good," I smiled. I turned to Lance and JC, "Is there any particular place you want me to show you?"
They thought about it for a minute, "Nope, surprise us," JC replied.
"That I will," I smiled wickedly.
The guys paid for the meal. I wanted to pay for my share, but Justin insisted that I had already more than made up for it. I didn't understand and let it go. We hopped back in the limo and the guys wanted to drop me off first even though I knew that their hotel was really close by. We cruised along the freeway for a few minutes and I pointed to some interesting sites....well interesting to someone who hadn't been here before. We entered this little neighborhood and the guys were surprised that I lived in a small house. I explained to them that I really didn't have much, but I still called the place home. They all understood and bid me farewell.
I went into the house and again the lights were off. I didn't turn on all of them, just enough so I can see where I was going. I entered my room and flopped onto the bed. I flipped over and looked at the ceiling. I smiled widely. I had no idea that seeing the guys would brighten up my week. I guess I've bonded with them....it's been a long time since I bonded with anyone. I drifted to sleep thinking of what I was going to with JC and Lance.
The limo pulled away from my house and they were off towards their hotel. They guys had smiles on their faces from meeting up with me. They never realized how much I cheered them up so much. They were glad that JC did crash into me in the first place. Everyone sat in silence sleepily looking out the windows. Once in a while Justin would glance towards Lance. He would catch him glancing towards JC and then back towards the window. Justin glanced at JC and saw him with his eyes closed still smiling. Justin sighed very quietly. The ride back to the hotel was a quick, but silent one. The limo reached its destination and everyone stepped out. They sleepily walked through the lobby and rode the elevator. Each of them had a room to themselves and they said good- night to each other.
Chris and Joey dropped dead on their bed fast asleep thinking of the times they had in Orlando. Lance and JC was just excited to see me again, but the call of nature put them quickly to bed. Justin lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. He was thinking about what happened in the limo. He quickly put it aside thinking that he was just imagining things.
Morning was upon me as the alarm blazed in my room. I groggily shut the annoying buzzer and took a quick shower. I dressed for work and grabbed my backpack. I stepped out of the house and was surprised that my car wasn't there. 'Damn,' I thought to myself, 'I left it at the theatre.' Luckily, I was always early for work and I was able to hop a bus to work. As I walked towards the front entrance, I noticed that there were no cars in the parking lot, except mine. The rest of the guys didn't arrive yet so I opened one of the glass doors and went in. I did the routine counting of stock and opening banks. Once I was done verifying the banks in the saferoom, I walked back out into the lobby to put them in their respected drawers. I noticed that there were some employees sitting on the benches just outside. I let them in and they headed for the lockerrooms upstairs.
Things were pretty running smoothly. All of the floor staff were here and I had just finished setting up the last of the film to be started. I went back downstairs and looked around. None of the morning assistant managers or supervisors were here yet. I asked people if they saw them and they said that they hadn't arrived yet. I was getting worried. It was almost time to open and I was the only one here. 'Was it because of last night,' I thought to myself, 'Well its pretty childish of them to leave me like this.'
The doors opened and customers waltzed in. Popcorn was popping and the lobby slowly changed from an empty room to one full of life. I was getting the hang of running the place by myself. There was the occasional rude customer who swears they are always right, but I managed to push a few buttons and they walked away thinking they've won. None of the employees tried to do anything to me because they knew that I was by myself and I didn't need to be bothered by anything. I could be quite a jerk when the situation allowed it to be.
It was almost 5 and I had to shut down some of the registers so that the next wave of employees can be ready. By this point, I was starving. I couldn't take a break because no one was there to relive me, so I kept on working. Luckily Arc came by early.
"Hey Mano, what's up," as he waved to me.
"Nothing much," I replied, "Could you help me close some of this stuff down?"
"Huh?" looking at me confused, "Where's everyone?"
"They ditched me," looking down, counting the drawer, "I had to run the place myself."
"Shit, that's wrong," he said angrily, "Why didn't you call me?"
"You're working tonight, so I didn't want to make you work a double."
"Dude, that wouldn't have been a problem. I would have helped you out anyway," I looked and smiled at him.
He hopped onto another register and started to close it. We talked about the club last night and everything that happened. I made sure that no one else heard me because I knew there would be a reaction to what I know. The only time I mentioned the guys is in the saferoom. No one else was allowed back there except the managers and supervisors. I talked to him openly about N Sync and he was impressed. Arc said that I was lucky to meet them and that I was friends with them. Once we were finished with the stuff we headed back out to the lobby. By this time, the lobby was pretty quiet because all the customers were inside the auditoriums watching the movie. Then I saw Jerry sitting on one of the lobby benches wearing jeans and a shirt.
I walked up to him, "Well look who finally showed up?"
He turned to me with surprise, "I....I'm sorry about that," looking at the ground.
"You could have called," crossing my arms, "But instead you didn't bother to show up just to spite me, right?"
He said nothing. "Figures. Some friends you turned out to be."
"That's not fair!" he barked.
"You know what's not fair!" I pointed at him. Everyone quieted down to see what was going to happen next, "Being the outsider and being called a liar in front of people who is pretending to be your friend. Then decide to leave me here by myself just to get even with me."
There were whispers all around from the employees and Arc walked towards me. He stopped about halfway between the counter and the bench. A few minutes of silence wafted through the air.
"That was a stupid and childish thing we did," Jerry finally spoke up, "When you turned down Hung's apology, all of us were angry at you."
"Then why did you guys just leave me here? You know you have an obligation to work here," I said finally calming down.
"I know....But we thought we could get even with you cause you dissed us last night."
"I did not disrespect you. You did that to me first. If you don't want to speak to me again...so be it. I would probably just quit knowing that I'm not welcomed here."
"No...don't leave," he pleaded, "You're a good manager, it was stupid of us to think that we could get even with you."
"Revenge is sweet, ain't it?" I commented.
"No....no it isn't...it just makes you feel miserable," he said softly looking at the ground.
I looked at his sad face, "Well...at least we've got that taken care of...what am I going to tell Scott that no one showed up this morning?" changing the subject.
"Don't worry," Jerry replied, "We take full responsibility for what we did. You don't have to do lie for us."
"Well...if you say so," shrugging my shoulders and placing my hand on his shoulder, "If you don't mind, I still have to close a few more registers down and then I have a few places to go," I smiled at him.
He smiled back knowing that I have forgiven him, "Does that mean you've forgiven us?"
"No...just you, not the rest," I said to him as I got up, "You apologized to me, they have to do the same. I will not let you apologize for all of them."
"OK," he sighed, "I'll go see what the guys are up to."
With that he left the theatre feeling much better than he had entered. Arc asked about it and I told him that it was no big deal. We continued with our work and once in a while, a couple of employees would glance in my direction trying to figure out what happened last night. This theatre is a real good place for drama. If it isn't a break-up or something, it would be rumors floating around place.
I finally finished all the paperwork and I looked at the clock. It was already 5:35. I hurried up with the final touches of the paperwork. Arc called me from his radio saying that a limo is here to pick me up. I rushed down to the lobby as fast as I could. When I got there, Arc looked at me funny as well as everyone working there. I told Arc that I'll explain later and headed out the door. The driver was waiting for me and opened the door for me. I hopped in and limo was off to the warehouse. I was excited to see what it would be like to see a music video in progress. The limo cruised along the freeway and then we were suddenly driving next to the piers. 'Figures,' I thought.
The limo slowed and we were now turning into a parking lot. There were a lot of cars there as well as some trailers. People were darting back and forth in-between vehicles. Many of them had some sort of badge which was hanging from their neck. I was sort of worried because I didn't have one. The driver parked in front of the warehouse entrance. He stepped out and opened my door. He told me that they were waiting for me inside. I slowly entered the building and looked around. There were lights all around as well as music thumping everywhere. It was looped, so it repeated once the song ended.
After a few minutes standing in front of the exit, I started to make my way around the building looking for them. I tried not to be in the way of everyone by hugging the walls. I walked around and turned a corner. I saw them sitting on a couch eating pizza. I was about to walk up to them, thinking that they were on break, but I caught sight of the camera. I stopped and let them do their thing.
"Cut!" the director yelled, "Lance you're done and JC you have one more scene, then you can go."
They both nodded and JC caught sight of me leaning against the wall.
"Took you long enough," he said smiling at me.
"Major traffic jam," I joked as I walked towards the couch.
Justin offered me some pizza, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
"That's OK, I'm used to that," I smiled at him, "So this is what you guys do in a video."
"Yeah," Joey said, "But this one is cool. We get to do all sorts of crazy stuff."
"Like..." I cocked an eyebrow.
"We get to be sitting up on those rafters singing," Chris said pointing to a beam on the ceiling.
I looked up, "Isn't that kinda high?"
JC laughed, "You sound like my mom," I smirked. "Let me get this last shot done and then we can get out of here." JC and Chris got up and climbed up a ladder to the beams overhead.
"Sleep well last night?" Justin asked me.
"Sort of..." looking down.
"Something's up," Justin said with concern, "Did something happen to you today?"
"Yeah...seems like my 'friends' decided not to go to work today and left me in charge of the whole theatre," looking up at him.
"I'm so sorry," Justin apologized.
"No don't be," I interrupted, "It's not your fault if they're going to act so childish."
"But I feel really bad. I don't like you to look all so sad," I smiled back at him.
"Justin!" the director yelled.
"Coming!" he yelled back, "Look, I'll make sure that tomorrow will be a better day for you, OK."
"Thanks," I said.
Justin got up and headed to another part of the building with Joey. Lance and I were left sitting on the couch. He was staring at me strangely. I didn't know why, but there was something there.
"Have you decided where you're going to take us?" Lance spoke up.
"Yeah...I have this great place in mind," I beamed back.
"Where?" he got curious.
"Do you like musicals?"
"I was in one you know," he laughed, "I love them."
"Good. I was thinking that the three of us would watch Les Miserables during its last week here."
Lance smiled widely, "I've always wanted to see that. Though I don't know if JC is gonna like it."
"Why not?"
"He doesn't like to sit down for too long and a musical is pretty long by his standard."
I laughed, "Well, I guess you and I have to make him sit still until its over, won't we?"
He and I laughed at the thought of it. We chatted for a bit while he ate the rest of the pizza. I was so hungry that I didn't care what the beef would do to me and took a slice. Lance looked at me as if I was going shoot my head off or something. I assured him that I am able to eat some meat, but only once a week or so. He still looked at me pretty suspiciously while we conversed, but as soon as he was assured that I won't go to the hospital anytime soon, he loosed up. It was about another fifteen minutes until JC came back towards us.
"You ready?" he asked both of us and we nodded. "Where are we going?"
Lance and I laughed, "You'll find out," I said.
"Uh oh," he joked.
"Don't worry," Lance said, "We'll make sure that you'll stay."
"Now I know I'm not going to like this," he said sarcastically and we laughed out of the building.
Justin followed us with his eyes as we exited the building. He let out a sigh as he continued with his part of the video on the bed. The three of us jabbered all the way to the limo as well as the drive to the opera house. All of us joked and acted all goofy in the limo, but we had to make sure that no one looked too messed up or some passerby might think something's up. When the limo arrived at the destination, I opened the door and all of us stepped out.
"Well, here we are."
JC looked around, "The opera house?"
"This is cooler that I imagined," Lance commented.
We walked to the ticket booth, bought our tickets, and were ushered in the theatre. We sat at the exact center of the place. We could see the entire stage without turning our head. A pretty good deal. There weren't that many people sitting down yet because we were 30 minutes early. JC sat on my right and Lance on my left. We talked for a while noticing that more and more people were taking their seats.
"I don't know if I can sit still," JC joked.
"Oh you will," eyeing him, "I'll make sure you stay."
Lance laughed, "You should tape his arms on the seat," I laughed at his remark.
"Which musical is this?" JC asked.
"Les Miserables."
"Is it that French Revolution thing?" he asked.
"No...it's the cats that's running around on the stage," Lance cut in with a sarcastic tone.
"Excuse me for not knowing my musicals."
"You guys," I stopped them from arguing, "We're here to have a good time, just relax."
"Sorry," they both said in unison.
"Do you guys fight this much on the road?" I asked JC.
"Well..." he scratched his head, "....we kinda argue more than usual."
"Yeah. It's probably the tour being so tough and all," Lance contributed.
"I see," feeling that there is something more than that, "You guys should loosen up. The more you fight, the harder everything becomes," I said as a matter of factly.
"You're probably right," Lance said.
"Probably?" turning towards him, "I am." We all laughed.
By now, the place was packed. I couldn't see a seat that was available. The house lights dimmed and the spotlight flicked on. The music slowly faded in and then the orchestra resonated. It was one of those musicals that you just had to go to again and again if you saw it before. The story is gripping and the emotions so genuine, the props looked very convincing as well as the costumes. JC kinda fidgeted a little bit in the beginning, but he was getting into the musical. Lance was awestruck at the complexity of it all. I was smiling widely knowing that I picked the right venue. Soon Act I was over and the lights slowly got brighter. There was a 20 minute break until the next act. Many people got up and stretched as well as used the restrooms. The three of us sat there talking about the first act.
"That was so cool," JC beamed with a smile, "It's way better than I thought."
"Same here," Lance added, "This is the first real musical I've been to and it's great. Maybe I should watch more of this stuff."
"I'm glad that both of you enjoyed it." I smiled at both of them, "I wish that the rest of the guys could be here to see this."
"Yeah, so do I," JC looked deep into my eyes. I froze on the spot and quickly turned away.
"Wait until you guys see the next act, it's way better than the first," I said after regaining my composure.
"I can't wait," Lance said.
Everyone was coming back from the little break and sat back down in their seats. Once again, the lights slowly dimmed and the music came back on. This time Lance and JC were watching very intensely, making sure that they didn't miss a thing. Then the solo came on. Eponine slowly walked onto the center of the stage and all the lights dimmed except the for the spotlight which was shining on her.
"And now I'm all alone again...Nowhere to go, no one to turn to...I did not want your money, sir...I came out here 'cos I was told to...And now the night is near. Now I can make believe he's here," Eponine spoke with her gentle voice, "Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping...I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping...The city goes to bed...And I can live inside my head."
The music changed to a lullaby and she slowly sang, "On my own...Pretending he's beside me...All alone I walk with him till morning...Without him...I feel his arms around me...And when I lose my way I close my eyes...And he has found me!...."
"In the rain the pavement shines like silver...All the lights are misty in the river...In the darkness the trees are full of starlight...And all I see is him and me for ever and forever..."
I glanced towards JC and he was mesmerized by the sight. His eyes were as wide as a child. I giggled to myself. On the other hand, Lance was quite a surprise. I glanced toward him and saw him just sitting there. I could see small silver reflections from the corner of his eye. After focusing on it more, I was shocked that he had tears in his eye. He was trying to prevent it from rolling down on his cheek. I quickly resumed watching the play.
Eponine echoed, "And I know it's only in my mind...That I'm talking to myself and not to him...And, although I know that he is blind...Still I say there's a way for us..."
"I love him...But when the night is over...He is gone, the river's just a river...Without him the world around me changes...The trees are bare, and everywhere the streets are full of strangers..."
Then something happened which scared the shit out of me. I was resting my hand on the armrest because I was sort of tired. Then JC put his hand on my hand. Inside, I jumped through the ceiling. I couldn't tell him to get his hand off mine, because that would be too rude. And besides, he's probably feeling really emotional right now and needs support. But the thing is, Lance did the same thing. Great...I'm stuck in the middle of two guys with their hands on mine.
Soon I calmed down and realized that this is no big deal. I mean, both of them are really cute, but I can't say that in front of their face. JC has a girlfriend and Lance stalks out chicks. I don't dare ruin our friendship because of a little crush that I have for them. I felt pretty secure with them holding my hand. It felt that I'm actually loved. Oh well, wishful thinking. I resumed watching the last of Eponine's lines.
"I love him...But everyday I'm learning...All my life I've only been pretending...Without me his world will go on turning...The world is full of happiness that I have never known...I love him, I love him, I love him...but only on my own..." as she concluded her song.
It was one of those songs that touched my heart. I knew exactly how Eponine felt. I learned long ago to accept my fate and just keep going, even if I'll be alone for the rest of my life. When the song was over, the other characters went on stage and did their parts. I moved my hands from the armrest and JC and Lance quickly removed theirs. Now, I'm sure that there is something more than meets the eye with the guys...well at least with JC and Lance. 'Is there more than friendship between these guys?' I thought to myself. If there was, I'm pretty scared at what's going to happen when they leave again.
The play ended and the house lights came back on. Lots of applauses from the audience when the cast members came out to take their bows. The three of us joined everyone and clapped as loud as we could. Soon the clapping slowly dissipated and everyone slowly headed towards the exit. We were almost the last one to leave. JC said that it would be a mess if we left along with the crowd. Lance agreed cause they've been in this situation before.
Once we were outside of the opera house, I hailed a cab. I dropped them off at the hotel. They told me to meet them here in the morning at around 10. I agreed and I was off to my house. Lance and JC silently took the elevators back up to their rooms. They did not see any of the guys and figured that they are either sleeping or somewhere out in the city. They said their good nights to each other and entered their rooms.
JC took off his clothes and put on something to sleep in. He crawled into bed, put his hands behind his head, and stared at the ceiling. He just kept replaying what he saw during the play. "Do I love him?" he said to himself, "I can't love him....can I?" The thought kept replaying in his mind over and over until he fell asleep.
Lance changed into something more comfortable and walked towards the window. He could see the Bay Bridge and all of the lights that outlined it. He could also see the lights coming from Oakland as well. "On my own..." Lance slowly and softly sang, "Pretending he's beside me..." A small tear rolled down his cheek. "I can't be in love with him....I just can't!" almost crying. After a few minutes, he collected himself and slipped into bed. He fell asleep thinking of everything....
Chapter 10: Intentions
Morning was finally here and I was psyched. I was so hyper that I woke up really early. Imagine, I was finally going to spend time with the guys. I haven't been so excited since I met them at Orlando. I did my usual thing of taking a shower, eating breakfast and all that other stuff. I wore my most casual jeans and threw on a shirt. It was going to be one of those days that the weather is going to be perfect. It was only 8 and I was impatiently pacing about the house trying to kill time. I didn't want to go to the hotel too early, they might think I'm psychotic or something.
It was 8 o'clock in the morning and everyone was half awake. JC called up everyone to wake up and that breakfast would be in his room. Everyone trudged through the hallways still very sleepy. Breakfast was already in his room and JC didn't wait for them to come in.
"Thanks for waiting," Joey said chipperly entering first.
"I got really hungry and you guys took so long," he replied with a forkful of food.
Chris came in and then Justin. All of them took a plate and piled on some food. All of them started to chow down. Justin noticed something was missing. He looked around and noticed that Lance wasn't there.
"Where's Lance?" he inquired.
Everyone looked around and noticed that Lance was indeed missing.
"I don't know," JC replied, "I haven't seen him all morning."
"We should check to see if he left a message with the front desk," Chris said with concern.
"I'll do it," Joey volunteered. He picked up the phone and asked the receptionist if Lance left a message. After he got the information, he put the phone back down and relayed the message. "The receptionist said that Lance went out for a walk and he'll be back by 9:30"
"That is so strange," Justin commented, "He has never been on a walk before."
"Maybe something's bothering him," Chris added.
"Maybe..." JC trailed off and Justin glanced at him and knew something is up.
Lance walked along the quiet pier looking over the water. It was still early and no one was really around. Only the occasional jogger or biker would pass him by. He smelled the salty air as the cold winds blew into the city. Lance kept on walking, passing pier after pier. He passed Pier 39 and continued. He would look up once in a while to admire the buildings, but that really didn't help much.
'What is this feeling that I have?' he thought to himself, 'I'm not supposed to have these kinds of feelings.'
After walking for what seemed like all morning to him, he noticed a church a few blocks away. He changed direction and headed towards the tall, stone spires of the church. He slowly opened the large wooden doors and peered in. No one was inside. Only the softly lit candles which flickered in the center of the room were there. Lance slowly walked through the middle of the isle, looking all around. He noticed the stain glass windows which were not yet lit from the sun. He scanned around and found what he was looking for. Lance took a deep breath, slowly reached the handle and turned. He opened the door which was in a corner of the main room and slowly stepped in. He closed the door and made the sign of the cross.
"Forgive me Father for I sinned," he lowly said through the black mesh.
"What is it my child?" the priest asked on the other side.
"I...I don't know how to say it," Lance's voice began to crack.
"Be calm my son. Tell me what is troubling you," the priest trying to comfort Lance.
"I....I'm falling in love," he slowly said.
The priest was puzzled by his confession, "I don't understand my child. Why do you say that you have sinned?"
There was a little bit of silence, "I....I'm falling in love with.....with another man," Lance broke down.
Though shocked, the priest had heard this before, "Why is that a sin my son?"
"You...you don't understand. I've been taught that it's wrong and a sin to be in love with another man," Lance kept crying.
The priest thought for a moment, "Is it a sin to love someone?" he calmly said.
Lance stopped crying for a minute, "No."
"Then why is it a sin to love someone even if its of the same sex? You love your father, or a brother, or even your friends?"
"Bu...but this is different than that."
"How so? Our Lord Savior loved all of us. It was not wrong."
"I'm so confused....Why did I have to be gay?"
"He works in mysterious ways. I don't know the answer."
Lance began to sob, "I don't want to be....I want to be normal."
"Do not fret. This is just a test."
"A test?"
"Yes a test. A test to see if you can endure the harshness of the world. If you can overcome your obstacles...if you can accept yourself, then you can endure anything."
Lance slowly stopped crying, "Do..do you think so?"
"Do not worry. The Lord will always be with you in your heart. Just believe that everything will be for the better."
Lance thought about what the priest had said, "Thank you father...."
He slowly opened the door of the booth and quietly walked out of the church. During the walk back to the hotel, he thought about a lot of things. Back in Mississippi, it was completely wrong to be gay, but here...its OK. He didn't understand why.
'What am I going to do?' he thought, 'I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe anymore.'
He was still confused about the whole thing. Lance stopped at a pier overlooking Oakland.
'Why does it have to happen to me? Will I ever be happy?'
He closed his eyes and he could feel a warm embrace around him and the gentle wind against his face. Finally, he opened his eyes and decided that he will see what becomes of the relationship. If it did not work out, then he would stop chasing and act "normal."
It was almost 9:30 when I decided to hail a cab. I did not want to use my car. I hate driving in the city. Not only I can't get any parking, but the streets were always congested. It didn't take long for me to reach the hotel. I walked in the lobby and looked around. I didn't see anyone so I just sat on one of the chairs in the lobby. I looked at the wall clock and it read 9:50. 'Gee, are they exactly on time?' I thought to myself. Just then I saw Lance walking through the lobby.
"Hey Lance!" I waved at him. He looked preoccupied with something.
"Hi Mano," giving me that wicked smile, "What's up?" he walked over to where I sitting and sat down next to me.
"Nothing much...and you."
"Same, same. Have you been waiting long?" changing the subject.
"Nope, I just got here. Where's the other guys?"
"Umm...uhh...I don't know. I was taking a walk."
"OK. We'll just wait for them here then," shrugging my shoulders, "Do you know what were going to do?"
"Justin was talking about playing basketball while we were in the warehouse."
"Figures," I joked, "He always did want to impress me." We laughed.
It was 10 and the elevator doors chimed open. The guys stepped out and Justin was holding the ball.
"Hi guys," Joey said happily, "Ready to go."
"You bet," I replied and started to talk to Joey.
Justin leaned over Lance and whispered in his ear, "Are you feeling OK?"
"Yeah I'm fine," he whispered back, "I just needed some time alone."
"I understand."
Lance and I got up and all of us started to walk toward the rental van. Once outside, Justin started to dribble the ball.
"You just couldn't wait, could you?" I smirked.
Everyone laughed, "I needed to warm up," Justin defended himself.
We entered the van and left to one of the courts. I chatted with everyone, but somehow manage to chat with either Lance or JC the longest. This was getting really suspicious by now. I didn't want to blurt it out in front of everyone. I have to wait until I could get them alone. I also noticed that as Justin was driving, he would look into the rear view mirror frequently. He wasn't exactly looking behind the van, but it felt like more towards JC's direction or maybe mine's. I wasn't so sure. I let it go as well.
We finally reached the court. There was no one around and we picked the one farthest from the street so that no one would recognize the guys. The teams went like this: JC, Chris and Joey were on one while Justin, Lance and I were in another. The game started and we were having fun. I was never the dribbler type. I would always screw up somewhere along the line. The only redeeming factor I had in basketball was that I was a sharpshooter. I could sink a three anywhere. Justin picked this up right away and passed me the ball every time I was open.
All of us laughed and talked while playing. About thirty minutes or so of playing, the tactics sort of changed. Though I'm not sure if it was intentional or not. Now, JC was guarding me more than usual. Every time I had the ball, he would be right next to me trying to swat it away. I was not oblivious to this. JC took his time getting the ball from me and I knew it. I got fed up and would pass it to Justin to get him off my back. If JC ever had the ball, Lance would be trying to swat the ball from him. I just had to laugh at the two.
About an hour had passed and we were all getting tired. Justin said we should take a break and everyone agreed. The ball was lying next to the fence and I decided to go get it. I picked it up and headed towards the bench where the guys were sitting. I was bouncing the ball and was caught off guard. JC had snuck up from behind and jumped on my back. The ball bounced away as I fell and rolled on the ground. I wasn't prepared and JC was really heavy. We rolled a little. My right wrist was under my back and I could feel a sharp pain. The rest of the guys were laughing as well as JC.
"Why'd you do that for?" I asked at a laughing JC.
He was on top of me sitting on my chest, "I just wanted to see your reaction," still laughing.
"Well...could you get off me?" I asked softly.
"Why would I want to do that?" smiling down at me.
I didn't answer right away, "Because....you're hurting me," I softly spoke as a small tear rolled down the corner of my eye.
JC saw the tear and immediately jumped off my chest. The guys stopped laughing and looked in my direction with concern. Justin immediately jumped off the bench. JC and Justin helped me sit up as I pulled my right arm from behind me. I put my left hand over the sore wrist.
"I'm soooo sorry Mano," JC said sounding if he was going to cry, "I didn't mean to."
"I know," I replied holding back the pain, "It's just an accident."
"I'll go get some ice," Justin said as he bolted out of the area.
JC helped me up onto the bench and I sat down. JC just slouched looking at the ground. I hated the way he looked.
"Cheer up," I assured him, "It's probably just sprained."
"Just sprained?" he looked at me funny, "I could've broken your wrist!" blaming himself.
"Stop blaming yourself," I angrily said at him, "It's not your fault. You played a joke and it was a good laugh, but no one expected that I would roll onto my wrist. So quit sulking and cheer up."
He jumped back a little from the tone of my voice, but knew I was right, "I guess it was pretty funny, huh?"
"Yeah it was," I started laughing and everyone slowly joined in.
As all of us talked, Justin ran to the little store around the corner and bought an ice pack as well as a flexible wrap. He ran equally as fast back to the bench I was sitting on. Justin slowly and delicately wrapped the brown cloth over my wrist and fastened it with the metal clip which came with it. He then put the ice pack on the injury.
"That's cold," I said as he placed it on my wrist.
"It is an ice pack," he commented.
Once he wrapped the ice pack over my wrist, I took over, "You're pretty good with injuries."
"Nah, I just watch a lot of TV," he laughed, "I'm not as good as you, though."
"Lance told you right."
"Yup...I did" Lance said, "I also praised on your medical expertise."
"Exaggerations and lies," I joked and everyone laughed.
We continued to talk about dating and stuff like that. Justin would once in a while give JC a disapproving look. I didn't know what was going and I hope they can resolve this soon. After about half an hour of rest, Joey decided that we should go eat. Everyone agreed and we left the court. JC wanted to go to Hard Rock. Everybody laughed, but I didn't get the joke. I shrugged my shoulders and agreed to go with them.
We were quickly seated and picked out some food from the menu. They worked up an appetite because they ordered pretty heavy meals. I just got some garden salad. I continued with the conversation with the guys about dating and stuff. It looked like they were dancing around the subject. I changed it to something less uncomfortable. A few minutes into the conversation about their tour, the food finally came.
The guys dug in like there was no tomorrow. Everyone looked at me funny as I tried to eat my salad. Since, my right wrist was pretty sore from the injury, I had to use my left hand. I fumbled around with the fork trying to get some greens attached to it, but it kept getting away.
"Need help?" JC asked.
I was embarrassed at the thought of needing someone's help to eat a salad, "Yeah...I guess I do."
"You know, you could have just asked for help. No need to suffer," I snickered at his comment.
JC gently took my left hand with his right and guided it to one of the lettuce leaf. His movements were so precise, so elegant that I felt that there was something going on. JC made contact with the leaf and slowly released his hold. I wanted him to hold onto my hand for a little longer. I don't know why, I just needed him to hold me. I continued to eat what was stuck on my fork. Once I was finished with the leaf, JC would do the exact same thing. He would either guide me to a leaf, a crouton or maybe some veggies. I had the impression that Lance and Justin were both curious of the sight. I didn't know why, but they kept giving me or JC quick glances. Justin tried to help me get my drink. He leaned over to get my drink, but accidentally bumped into my wrist. I cringed in pain. Justin felt really sorry about bumping into me, but I assured him that is was an accident.
Time passed by rather quickly, faster that we had expected. No one wanted to go back on tour. They guys were so relaxed, but I had to break the bad news to them and they reluctantly agreed. Justin parked the van across the street in a garage. The streets weren't crowded. Only the occasional car passing by. Justin noticed that his shoe laces were untied.
"I'll meet you on the other side," Justin yelled as he bent on one knee to tie the laces.
"OK," Joey replied still walking across the street.
We were on the other side of the street, when Justin finished lacing his shoes. I turned around and waited for him to cross. He was about half-way across the street when I heard a police siren blazing about a block away. It was chasing a white Nissan through the streets at high speed. I was totally frozen on the spot. The car was not going to stop at the light and it was going to hit Justin. I freaked out.
"JUSTIN!" I yelled out to him and started charging towards him, "LOOK OUT!"
Justin saw the car heading at him, but he was scared stiff. The guys turned around horrified. I jumped at Justin and did a flying tackle at him. Everything was in slow motion. I remember hitting Justin's chest with my forearm and hearing a crack from my wrist. Once I made contact with him, I quickly put my left hand behind Justin's head. Both of us went rolling back across the street. The car sped right through where Justin would have been standing.
"Are you OK?" I asked looking down at him.
All I could see was his face of astonishment and shock at what just happened, "Y...yeah. I'm fine."
"Next time, look both ways before you cross the street," I tried to make a joke, but cringed in pain and clutched my wrist.
Both of us sat up and I heard the police car park near us, "You're...you're hurt?" Justin asked me with concern.
"I've felt better," I tried to lighten up the mood.
"You're hand is burned," he looked at it.
"I've been burned before. No big deal."
As I clutched my wrist, I noticed that my left hand was slowly oozing blood. It had been burned when we were rolling on the ground. The police woman came over and talked to us for a few minutes. Justin explained what happened to me to her. Then an ambulance came hollering by. I was put on a stretcher while Justin was being checked up by the paramedic. He was released and went back with the rest of the guys. I could tell that he wanted to go with me, but I insisted that he and the rest of the guys leave before they were going to be late for their next appointment. I threatened that I would never speak to him or the guys if anyone came with me. Justin and the guys reluctantly agreed to go.
That was the last time I saw them. I had forgotten to get their number, again, so I couldn't tell them that I would be all right. I rode in the ambulance for a short while and the doctors took some x-rays of my wrist. Much to my surprise, the wrist wasn't broken. The doctor said that it was hyper-extended. They put my wrist in a very stiff brace so it wouldn't move. It would heal in a couple of weeks. That would be plenty of time before the prom. They also sprayed some antiseptic on the burn on the back of my left hand. It stung a little, but it soon faded away. Then, the doctor wrapped a sterile bandage over the wound and told me to take it off in two days. I was relieved that the burn wasn't too bad. It was only a first degree burn.
Once everything was squared away, I exited the hospital and hailed a cab to get back home. I was saddened that I couldn't say good-bye to the guys. As I suspected, anytime something goes right with my life, some shit would be thrown in my face. It was as if heaven was against me. I slowly went into the house and started to watch TV. Nothing was on and MTV was pretty boring. I sat in the empty house again. I was replaying that moment over and over in my head. 'Stupid driver,' I thought.
I went to the fridge to get a can of Sprite. At least I could open it by myself and started guzzling the drink. I couldn't do homework...well I can write with either hand, but I never perfected writing with my left. I am ambidextrous, but I decided to write with my right hand so I be like everyone else. I paced around the house trying to find something to do. I wasn't sleepy yet and it was only 6. I went into my room and surfed the internet a little. I heard a knocking from the front door. 'Who could that be,' I thought. I left my computer and opened the door. I was puzzled at who was standing there.
"Flower delivery," some guy in a white shirt and black pants said, "Is there a Mano in?"
I still looked puzzled, "Yes. That's me."
"These are for you," he handed me a bouquet of roses.
"Huh?" I asked stupidly.
"Oh, I see. It must be from a secret admirer," the guy hinted.
"Well....I guess.," scratching my head, "Thank you for the delivery," I gave him a twenty as a tip.
I closed the front door and examined the roses. I first looked for any type of card or something like that attached to it, but no luck. The roses were quite beautiful. There were six white roses and six red roses all arranged in a staggered pattern with some baby's breath all around. The flowers were tied together in the middle with a bright blue ribbon. I smelled the scent of the roses. They were so sweet. As I admired the bouquet, JC's face formed in the middle. 'JC?' I asked myself, 'It couldn't be.'
I put the flowers in a vase and put it in my room. I placed the vase on top of my desk so I can see it from anywhere in the room. I lay on the bed still looking at the flowers. I probably stared at it for far too long. My eyes were very heavy and I fell fast asleep.
That night I dreamt of the guys and what we did that day. It was a jumble of events which flooded my dreams. Somehow...somehow all the images were focusing on JC. I can clearly see him holding my hand during the play as well as during lunch. My dream started to get a little bit weird. During the lunch event, he placed his hand on mine and turned my head to face me. Our eyes locked and I could see the warmth emanating from his clear blue eyes. He slowly leaned towards me and pressed, ever so gently, his lips upon mine.
I suddenly woke up. 'What was that?' I thought to myself, 'Could it be?' I looked at the clock and it was already 6 in the morning. I decided to get to school early so I can get some fresh air. After I finished my routine morning schedule, I walked to school. It was a slow walk. I needed some time to work things out.
All day I was preoccupied with my feelings. I couldn't understand what I was feeling, let alone try to make sense out of them. 'Could I possibly be falling in love with JC?' That was the question I heard over and over in my mind. I know I couldn't nor was it possible. I mean, he's pretty much as straight as an arrow and he's also my friend. Not to mention and he goes to different places everyday and I have to be stuck here. I have nothing to give him even if he did feel the same way about me. He could get anyone he wanted. That thought made me really depressed.
By the time I knew it, it was already lunch. I sat in the usual spot in my English class still thinking of everything.
"Hey Mano," Leah said breaking my concentration.
"Hi. What's up?"
"Nothing much," looking through her bag, "Did you finish the assignment for English.
I smacked my palm up to my forehead, "Damn, I forgot."
"Well, it's due today," saying matter of factly.
"I know," I looked at the clock, "I have 15 minutes to make one up."
"OK...I guess," she walked off and started talking to some people.
'Great,' I thought, 'I completely forgot.'
I quickly took out my notebook and a pencil. It was going to be a pretty bad penmanship, but I couldn't write properly with the brace in place. I quickly tapped the pencil on the desk making a rhythmical beat. I finally thought of something and started jotting down the poem.
Just when you think that you are alone in the world
Out there across the vastness of the land
Someone is there waiting...waiting to
Help you out anyway they can...
Under your thick and impenetrable shell
All of the problems you face, you bottle it up inside
Cause you don't want to face the truth..the feeling of
Hopelessness, loneliness, sadness that is in your heart...
Anywhere you go, everywhere you look, you
See the pain, hear the pain and feel the pain...
Eventually you must stop running and believe that a
Zephyr will show you the way...
I looked at the poem I quickly jotted down and tears started to well up inside. I quickly wiped them away so that no one noticed. It was hard for me to accept being gay. Everyone in the school were against gay people...and now I'm falling for a guy who I can't have...I hate my life.
It was a pretty crappy poem, but I had to turn it in anyway. My life just got a turn for the worst. Nothing I could do during school would make the image of JC disappear. I can't make him love me, nor could I tell him. I would have to keep this secret until the day I died. School was finally over and I slowly walked home. It was a bright, sunny day, but as I got closer and closer to my house, the light slowly faded away as dull grey clouds blocked the sun.
** I have to apologize for putting the church scene. I know that I have ** offened people by doing so and I am very sorry. I needed to put that in ** to make things clearer...or more mysterious. You just have to find out.
** As usual, comments, rants, raves, questions, suggestions, and other ** things like that are always welcome. zeo@sfsu.edu