N'Sync/ End Game

Hello all, I have wanted to do this for a while and it finally came out of my head and onto the computer screen. Originally, this was for another story and characters I was working with in my book. But, after a long involved process I cut this out and went another direction for them. I would love to hear what you think of this particular piece from me so please write to me. Writergray@msn.com

And BTW I know this is a bit darker in some aspects than you are used to reading from me. But in the end things will work out so read on... Please.

Disclaimer: I do not know N'Sync. I do not know if they are gay straight or BI. I would love to meet them but I would never ask them if they are or are not gay BI or straight. It is their business. If you are not old enough to read this or it is illegal to read this sort of fiction where you live leave now...

N'Sync / End Game By Grayson S. Vellar

I must have sat there for three or fours days contemplating what to do next. Under normal circumstances, I guess I would not have been acting like that. However, when you loss the one you love you really loss part of yourself as well. Me the ever under control Lance Bass, Lansten, Spike, had lost it to a handful of rushing emotions. Me the man that had loved another man and lost him without having the chance to face it with him. Cancer takes the ones we love and crushes them from the inside out and I never saw it because I was away. I was doing my job. A job that other people love me for and I now I consider it to be my own coffin as I try to figure out what to do with my heart since it does not exist anymore.

It wasn't like Jacob and I were inseparable or anything like that. But, I guess what I am trying to understand in myself is that when he died why did a part of me go with him? To most of the world, I am the same old Lance. To the guys I am someone they hardly know and think they know so well. I am sure they would understand and I can tell that they do care. I just can't seem to break my thoughts about Jacob. He was my everything and more; my sense of normalcy when the shows were finished and the lights were dimmed. He was my reality and essence of freedom. I loved him and he was my little undusted secret. No one had made their impression on him and the lights had never deemed it necessary to announce his presence. I guess we just never wanted it made it public. Being the sort of obscure one in the group has its privileges when you don't have the press constantly looking at you. But, then again, with Justin and Britney always in the limelight you would be able to hide too. I am getting away from the point of all of this I guess as I sit here contemplating my existence. I am sure you all are wondering what I am going on about so explaining would be necessary.

Jacob had been sick for quite a while and I guess I will never know just why he never told me how sick he truly was. They say when people know they are going to die they try to distance themselves from the people around them. I guess it is so as not to hurt them in the end. Little did I know that is what he was doing when I left for the last tour dates before he died? Of course, I speak of all of this like it was a long time ago. I guess it is since somewhere in my mind it all seems too unreal. Those events are a far distant past that I don't want to remember and yet I find myself being forced to live on in them. My mind and heart won't let me forget or let go of any it. If I remember, I live in it now, and I still can feel the regret and fear I felt. In my heart, I knew he was sick and I knew what it was all about that night when the phone rang. I knew because as much as I hid myself from it with work it was there and it was not going away. I knew...

Jacob had been home every night when I called. He always seemed calm, collected, and very loving. I guessed at the time that it was because he missed me, in my mind it showed me that he still loved me. He always had a way of making me feel like I was there with him he would always tell me what he was thinking and how his day had gone. Of course, now that I truly know what he was going through I realize that he was lying to me, not to lie to me but to protect me from the pain. In my heart though I wish he had of just told me it would have made all of this mourning I have done seem much simpler in the end. Even so as I said before part of me already knew and I wont ever forgive myself for not staying home, for not saying anything, for not supporting him, for not... for not. How much pain can one person live through before a person completely cracks?

The day he died, I was at the Rockford Hyatt Regency Hotel. We had done a show the previous evening and were to be heading back home to Florida. I was so excited the previous night I had stayed up planning my return and packing all of my clothes. It was funny to say the least that the other guys laughed at my joy and my crazy packing and unpacking. But then again, Chris was helping me and he was making the most jokes. I couldn't help but laugh. It still seems too ironic that he was the one that morning to wake me up with the cell phone in his hand. He had tears in his eyes as he handed me the phone setting down on the edge of the bed next to me. Sometimes I still feel the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I had left that very phone in Chris's room when we got back to the Hotel after the show the night before. Chris had volunteered to help me with the packing and we went to his room first so he could change. It still amazes me to this day that I left it there. To most, this would seem like some small thought but to me it is important. I never leave my phone anywhere, and that one time when I actually needed it, I didn't have it. I still can't laugh as hard as I had that night. All because of one stupid phone that I couldn't bring myself to use again, I can not laugh? Without Jacob to answer my questions, a part of my joy died with him. I even buried that phone with him to make sure that I never saw it again, it was just to much to except when it came down to it. My mistake, my loss, my grief, but all the while Chris was grieving with me and I never even knew why. We still to this day have never talked about it in detail. Sometimes, I see him feeling the same as I do. Sometimes, I try to reach out in some way or another to help him through it. We support each other's emotions now. But, lately I just feel so alone. My love is gone and I have such a wall up no one will ever see the real me again. Inside I am dying increasingly each day. One day my friend... friends will have to bury me too. Hopefully next to the one, I loved.

War to a head

That phone, that damn plastic, microprocessor and batteries phone. Why didn't I have it with me when he was still alive that night? If it had been in sight, I might have kept him on the phone for hours in excited conversation. I might have heard him saying I love you Lance before he died. But no, I was to busy laughing with my friends to know that there was something wrong with the one man that loved me. The one man that I cared so much about that I had left him behind to die.

No! I can't think of it like that. Me, Lance Bass the most caring person you would ever met did not leave his lover alone to go sing on tour. No, I did not know he had all encompassing Cancer. No, if I had of known I would not have left him. But, is there an excuse for me to tell you that the one man who had saved my life was losing his all alone that night. No...

Justified thoughts/drifting off track

Like I said, I have given this some thought. Sometime too much thought, but they are mine. Sure I had to give up the responsible positions and decisions in the group. My mind is my own no one thinks for me and I think for no one else. They all just leave you in the end anyhow, what's the point.

Awakened by the thoughts

I started to tell you about the boxes and that night after the funeral. I almost forgot about all of that. I was sitting in the middle of the guest room bed looking through the boxes of stuff Jacob had packed up the week before he died. I guess he never wanted to make me feel bad. I know by packing it up he thought that he would be easing the pain. But the question that remains in my mind was why had he not told me. I guess like I said before I will never know. But there was the note. That damn note, it has been stuck in my head since the first time I read it. I love him for it but I also to this day hate him for it, because he never said it to me himself.

My Dear Lance,

I know you are probably reading this sitting on the bed in the guestroom. That's my Lance always investigating. You always were the most intrigued man I ever met. But enough of that already. The main reason I am writing this is to tell you although I am gone now I always loved you. I always will in my own way. Please read this and understand this is not goodbye. This is a beginning for both of us. You will see in time that although I am gone now, I watch over you. Live Lance that is my one request for you. You may not think so but it is the one way I may live.

Living is what we always promised even on the day we that met, we made that promise. You were sick and it was just before the show, of course, you missed it. God knows what came over me; I was only with you and the guys as part of the set up crew. I smile now knowing what my actions have brought us to. I frown now wondering why it has to end this way. I won't tell you why I didn't tell you completely about all of this. I won't even make excuses. Just remember I loved you then and I to this day I love you even more. We lived as we promised Lance, and we never let anything really stand in our way.

Lance you need to promise me something, for you and me. You need to find another to fill the void I am leaving behind. I know you are saying to yourself that you won't find anyone else. But I warn you, you will, and I do understand and I want you to love again Lance. You have so much to offer the world with your heart. It would be selfish for me to ask you not to show it when the time comes.

I promised you the world and all I could give you was a sick man dying before he even had a chance to live. I love you Lance so much it hurts to have to leave you now. I know that you are probably blaming yourself for not seeing it but don't. It was my choice not to tell you. And before you start suspecting everyone around you of hiding it, they didn't know either. Not even Chris who is my second best friend. We just started to tell them about us. But, if you trust them you will tell them everything now, because I think as much as we were careful they always knew. They always knew that we loved and lived as one and we always tried to see the best in each other. We may have never showed it to them out right but they knew.

Well, baby I gotta run before I start writing out our entire history here. Besides, you're going to be coming home in a few days and I want everything to be cleaned up before you get home. I know it's going to take me a while to get it done so I have to go. Again I love you more than life itself and I will always cherish you from my soul.

Love knows no boundaries; it exists all around us. Sometimes we never know what lies ahead, rather than accepting it, we deny ourselves the chance. Don't do that to yourself Lance open up your heart. I am not the only one, who will love you.

Loving you always in memories and dreams,

Jacob Alexander Moyer

I read, read, and re-read that letter crying my eyes out that night. Chris was staying with me those first few days and he tried to comfort me but I could only push him away. No one was going to make me forget. No one was going to make me forgive. I hated him for leaving me. I hated him for not telling me. I hated him for wanting me to love someone else. But so much did I love him for trying to protect me from the suffering. So much, did I love him for trying to help me move on? He knew I would never give up. He still tried and I still can't understand although it makes my heart break thinking that he loved me enough to let me go.

For a week, Chris let me cry only checking on me and making me food to eat. The other guys stopped in to see how things were going, but Chris would always send them away. He was protecting me from the world. I appreciate him to this day for doing that. I guess that is why we are so close even still. The other guys still try to understand my moments of depression but there is always Chris. He and I have a bond now. In all my life, I had always wanted to be this close to someone and I thought I had found that in Jacob. For a time, I would have said that he was the only one to understand me. But, now I now that Chris is there and we have a bond too. I guess it's also has something to do with the fact that Chris and Jacob were so close. I just don't want to really think that Chris is only there because of that bond that they shared. I also in my heart and mind know he would never do that intentionally.

I'm sitting here tonight telling you this story just after again another show has been completed. You know even three years since it happened and I can not get over the complex idea that somehow I want to be with him. I knew him better than I have known anyone in my life. When he would start to ask me something, I knew what it was going to be. Even before he asked I had the answers. In love we lived for the moment, in death that single moment has lived on in my mind every second of the last three years.

Finding the truth

Until much later, I really had no idea what had been going on while I was gone. He kept it so silent. The only things I am sure of are what Edna has said to me about those days when she was taking care of him. She talks to me comforting me telling who he was and how much he loved me and I dream that I was there. She has never told me why he never truly told me that it was happening. The truth is he was hiding something. I'm not sure what it was but in my heart, I know there was something else, there being kept from me.

After I had left for the tour he had hired a nurse (Edna) to take care of him the last few days he was alive. He died with her holding his hand in my place. She told him she would tell me everything. He made her promise not to leave any of his loving me out when she spoke. To this day when Edna talks about that night I still feel like I am there. I wanted to be with him so bad, when I got home I lost my sense of being. I still have never recovered who I am. I love him still; I miss him still; so much, so that I forget about me.

How did we meet, I would guess your asking yourself. What's the story? Well, I guess I should tell you since this is my story. But, be prepared this is not so easy on me as I have never been able to get completely through the story of us. Chris is the only one to come close out of the guys to understanding it. He was after all Jacob's best friend.

Jacob and I had been a couple from the moment of our first meeting. We lived as if no one else in the rest of the world existed. I had been living his life in the lime light with nothing but fans to answer too. His friends knew of his life. They thought everything was going to be fine. But, what no one knew was one day my heart would be broken. Broken into so many pieces that I still think it will never be fixed again.

Jacob had been working with the set up stage crew, while I was warming up before a show. Arlington Texas was where it all began and the show was to be within less than four hours. It may have not been the best beginning but it was ours and it was what we needed to make us one.

I was sitting on the edge of a platform as the crew worked behind the scenes making sure all final preparation had been made. I was in tears again, and yes, I was hurting. But it was not from an emotional turmoil or from pains of the heart. My stomach and right side hurt and it was knotting up beyond any pain that I had ever felt in his life. It was as if my body was turning inside out. But no on was to know there was no way I was going to let everyone down. I had to deal with this.

Jacob was standing off stage staring at me again. Yet, at the same time, he was just concerned. No one mentioned that I was sick. Jacob was sure no one else knew. The show was important the guys were important. But, in Jacobs's mind, he asked himself many a times, which was more important. He couldn't take not saying anything any longer, especially since I was now completely bent over in pain crying.

"Oh, God stop the pain please," I said under my breath praying and knowing no one was there to help.

"Lance," Jacob asked approaching me from behind slowly. I did not respond any other way other than to look up at him while still bending over at the waist. Part of me I would assume was in shock. There I had set trying to hide my pain and thinking no one knew. There I sat praying I could make it though it alone.

"Lance I know you're sick. Do you need help?" Jacob asked and immediately saw that it was true. I tried to sit up but could not. I cringed in agony and pain from the pressure growing in my muscles.

"Help me please," I whispered through a cracking pain filled voice, while my eyes filled with tears.

Jacob reacted immediately and bent over picking me up into his arms. He ran to the back of the stage area heading towards the on site manager.

"Lance is sick, we need to get him to a Doctor," Jacob shouted as he approached the man.

"Put him down this is not a time to joke," Steve Mills said while trying to arrange for a pass-holder to get into that night's show.

"Joke! This is no joke!" Jacob screamed while running with me in his arms towards the dressing rooms.

"Lance I am sorry I am trying to get some help," Jacob said while heading into the dressing room.

"Guy's listen up! I am taking Lance here to the hospital. Does anyone care enough to join us," Jacob said still holding me close. I had now wrapped my arms completely around Jacob. He was my savior and everything was going to change now. Someone cared enough to notice that something was wrong with me. Someone from the outside cared enough to take care of me.

"What's going on?" Chris asked looking at Jacob as concern covered his entire face.

"He's been sick for a couple of weeks. I actually noticed it and thought you all knew until I saw the exercising you were all doing today. That was enough. Look we need to get him to the hospital!" Jacob screamed causing me to look up at him and notice the tears now forming in his eyes.

"Jacob." I whispered speaking his name for the first time. "Help me please," I said almost pleading; my sides were on fire now as his felt a sudden urge to sleep. Drifting off I heard Jacob screaming for me to wake up. Jacob felt my arms go limp as he was still holding me trying to draw me back but the balckness of the pain was drawing me in to quickly. Jacob was just a voice talking to me in the darkness trying to tell me how he felt. But I could no longer fight. His voice soothed me as I felt the darkness washing me away taking me to another place and time. I dreamed of what life would have been like. I felt it all so real and true. I felt his love and mine intermingle making our heart one. I felt as I still feel today. But, without him here today with me, I only feel half-alive.

The dream of the life I would lead began to fade and the light began to wash back in. I could hear his voice again only now it was coming closer. I felt a cold air drift across my bare shoulders as I lay flat on my back resting comfortably. There was something familiar here something I had not thought of before this moment. This was like when I was a child and had my tonsils removed. I was waking up. I was safe and this was a hospital but my eyes remain shut as I still fight to awaken from the dull hum of the anesthesia.

"Please Lance wake up for me. I don't think I can deal with all of this without you," Jacob said holding my hand. "Look I never tell anyone anything about me for fear of losing them. I know you I know what you are about. I respect you and ... and," Jacob tried to tell me the important things as I willed myself awake in the hospital room squeezing his hand. "I love you Lance come back to me please. I know you don't know me and I want to let you in," Jacob continued, as he rested his head on the bed next to our hands still not noticing the gentle pressure I was giving his hand. He loved me already. My heart filled with hope as I heard the words and I believed him.

"Jacob, I know you do," I whispered in the strongest voice I could muster. "Can we." I paused trying to not think about it or judge it. This was his honest love for me. And I was not going to fight it. "I'm not leaving you," I said more awake now.

My appendix had been a problem before we had left on the tour. No one knew; no one was to know. Jacob saw the signs, the one person farthest from everyone else's mind to knowing us knew. He watched over me for several months. He wanted to make sure I was okay without asking. He never wanted to tell me that he was watching me before. He never thought I would accept his prying caring eyes taking their care of me, looking out for me.

I had seen him around. I didn't know him; that was true. But, for some reason, I had always wanted to know him and there was no time before. It took drama and a lot of pain but we were finally there. I don't really know what would have happened otherwise. After all, it was Jacob's hand and voice I had woken up too. Caressing tears fell from Jacob's eyes as he looked up to the dazed expression on my face.

"I love you too," I said as the realization hit me that this was real and he was the one. There was no doubts left as I looked into his eyes.

"Drugs are talking now, I can see it on your face," Jacob said smiling seeing me smiling at him.

"Nope, and you can do away with the corny jokes," I said smiling broadly.

"God I love to see that smile," Jacob said reaching up and brushing his fingers along my jaw line. I couldn't help it as I instinctively leaned into the touch.

Making a decision

I take another drink from the champagne glass vicariously hanging in my hand. It was the last bottle from our planned wedding. It's time to end this mind game that I have been playing on myself. I am celebrating my own letting go tonight. Yet, in my heart I know I will never be able to completely move on. I just have to shake this utterly morbid shell of self-destruction.

"This is about moving forwards finally, that was what this celebration was about." I say to no one in particular. It's not like anyone other than you are here right now.

As the last drops of sweet nectar runs down the rim of the glass and slide down my throat I begin to sob harder. My hand drops to the side of the barstool. I had drug it out here to perch on and stare out at the city lights below. This was the same suite, the same room the same damn Hotel where I got the call. My entire sense of healing glared through my heart. I cry my crowded tears that now sting my cheeks. I don't feel it but the glass is to fall. It is to shatter, as I can no longer hold onto it any longer.

Mind games

After we met, it was not until much later that Jacob got sick. Cancer had set in quick on his young body. I was all he had left by the time he had finished pushing everyone away. I was the only person who could really talk to him, and I didn't know what was going on. He never told me the truth, he never lied either, I just never asked. We never talked to each other about how bad it really was. I knew and he knew but we never spoke of the devastation. I guess that when I think about it I didn't want to know the extent of his disease.

Later all the Doctors, Nurses, and Lawyers all wanted to get a piece of Jacob Alexander Moyer. I was the barrier they all had to climb through and after all was said and done Jacobs money was split between all of them. I had nothing left of the man I loved other than the cardboard boxes and that damn letter he left behind. Everything else was now gone except Edna. For a time, I didn't want to see her either. She had taken my place and in my heart broken state, she was an enemy.

In mid-air the glass flips seemingly rushing towards a terrible destiny. It was like I had felt; I felt his life had slipped by me. My one chance to be free and love had now gone and been shattered and destroyed. The glass now reaches the same conclusion as it slips past the bottom rung of the stool unstopped. Nothing in its path, it crashes and shatters into a million little pieces and shards of glass.

"Enemy." I whisper as I look out over the vast lights of this gray city.

She in truth was far from an enemy. She had been there that night to hear his last words. She had been there to comfort him from pains I was only slightly aware of. She had taken my place. But she was no enemy to me, she was my bridge to that night. She had all the answers that I never wanted to completely hear. Never wanting to completely hear them had led me to an understanding over all. He never wanted me to know because he never wanted me to hurt. But, for me all I had done until now was wallow in the pain of not knowing, when all I had to do was ask...

Chris's Dreams/Hearing the truth

Chris paced the floor in the adjoining living room to the room he and Lance were sharing. Everyone was worried but no one was reacting quite this insanely. They all had managed to place a distance between Lance and themselves in these moments when thing were not all right. It was the distance they had all shared; that was until Chris's turn to share a room with him came up. For the last three months, they had stopped rotating the responsibility of the position. But not one of the others seemed to react the same way as Chris. Not one of the others had the secrets he held. Not one of the other friends understood the hurt or pain. Chris knew it and felt it along with Lance. He knew because he was in a similar situation.

'I love him I know I do. But, he is in there crying over his lost love. His one empowering love, and yet he left so long ago. He loves him still and he says nothing to us. Here I am pacing the floor, loving him; still what does this make me?' Chris thought still trying to make it all stop in his mind. He had held Lance in the night. He had encouraged him to live his life. He had tried to be the best friend he could with out letting on that anything was changing in his mind for him. But, this was not the first time. This was not the initial time he had made himself not believe in the love he had.

All while Chris paces Joey sets staring at him wondering 'When is he going to come out with it. We all know.'

Joey's keen eyes followed Chris through the room. He had finally had enough of this game. He had finally had enough of watching Chris ruin his own chances. "Why don't you just tell him Christopher?" Joey asked drawing Chris out of his thoughts hearing his full name.

"Tell him what?" Chris asked hoping that Joey was not aware of his thoughts.

"Come on! I have known you both for so long. Do you really believe I can't see it? I can see it in your eyes every time he's near you and the old Lance is back. I know you Chris, and I know Lance. Go in there and tell him," Joey said almost pleading as he leaned forwards in his seat. Chris didn't move Joey knew he was in shock by the expression on his face. It was a time for action. He took the deck of card had had been shuffling and smacked them down on the coffee table with a loud slap. "Fine if your not going to tell him then I will. It's time someone took some action," Joey said still not standing up yet.

"I can't," Chris said in a dejected tone of voice as he threw himself down into a chair. "I promised Jacob out of respect for their relationship I would never tell him. I promised," Chris said tears streaming down his face.

"You can and he needs to hear it from you. It has been too long for you not to tell him now," Joey said as they heard the glass shatter on the deck in the next room.

Chris's POV

My mind was racing as I heard the shattering glass. Joey looked up at me with fright and anxiety in his eyes urging me to go in and stop what ever was happening. I knew what I had to do. I knew what I had to say. But, I was not sure it was going to be the right time. Hell, if you think about it, time was something Lance was living out of. He was no longer living in the moment. No, he was living in a past. A past I did not want to compete with. But I had to, and I had to do it now or loss him forever. I was sure of it, more sure that I had ever been before.

I rushed to the bedroom door drawing it open wide. To my surprise, I did not see Lance anywhere. My first thought was that sound. That crying out, crashing, shattering sound both Joey and I had heard. It had come from in here. In this room, that Lance and I had shared. This was the room his past had once shared a memory or two of Jacob. That may seem so long ago to all of us but now all Lance did was think of that past and living in it.

I struggled with the door catching my hand on the knob before it tightly shut. I managed to see him sitting on a barstool on the balcony. There were shards of glass glistening in the light. I could see what had happened now. He had let it go. He had sent the glass to the ground. He was half slumped over the balcony rail now and beginning to stand. My heart was racing as the words came out of my mouth.

Game over

I look out at the lights remembering the last few points before drawing my closure. Justin later at the Hospital after my appendix ruptured stayed by my side and explained how things had gone. The guys had been forced to go on with the show. Their hearts weren't in it but the crowd never figured it out. I was missed of course, but no one made mention of it did they. I watched the news report, all the news ever said was the concert was great, and the guys did one of the best shows this small town had ever seen. The only other odd thing was that Chris had walked off during the encore.

Chris was the first one to make it to the hospital. He also was the first of the four remaining members to leave the venue that evening. He actually walked off half way through the encore to head out to the limousine waiting for their departure. He came immediately to see me leaving the other behind. When he arrived, he sat with Jacob staring at me. The intensity in his eyes told me there was more behind this man than I had ever known. But, what that was I was not prepared to believe or understand that night.

When the rest of the guys finally made it to the hospital Chris pulled Jacob out of the room to take him out for some air. The truth is I think he was trying to just get clear of the stares from the rest of the guys. He had stranded them at the venue leaving as soon as he was inside the confines of the limousine. The guys seemed unaffected by the whole thing over all and I asked what was going on with Chris. No one wanted to answer however, Justine of course told me what he thought. "Chris loves you and he has never shown it." The others were in shock but we never mentioned it. They never said a word during the entire exchange. I still wonder where Justine would have gotten that idea. Chris had never acted like he has feelings for me. I must admit though, at one point I gave it a lot of thought and brushed it away because Jacob was the one I loved as far as I was concerned. Chris had never made any moves or acted like he was in love with me. He was just Chris.

I shook myself back to the present only to slip back to the past. That night the night... the call had come in. That night when I didn't have my phone, Chris sat there watching over me as I heard the words. We had finally all gone to sleep after I had fidgeted all night trying to prepare for going home. I was going to see him again. I was going to be home soon. It wasn't even night anymore when Chris brought me the phone. It was early in the morning. It was so early in fact, that the sun was barely too rise.

"Is this Lance I am speaking to?" A woman voiced asked. It wouldn't be until much later that I would learn this woman's name to be Edna. This unearthly, hesitant voice that was calling me to tell me that Jacob was dead. I looked over the city again seeing the same things I had seen that morning when I stared out the window in disbelief. Only now mostly black with night's embrace as I realized it was the negative of that day that made me see things this way.

"I have some bad new for you and I wish it was not necessary to tell you this way," she said stopping and I knew. "Lance are you still there?" She asked and I realized that I must have gone quiet. The tears would not fall until I knew for sure. The pain would be willed away until she said the words. I almost hung up right them trying to keep it from happening.

"Yes," I said as the first part of 3 days worth of tear began to fall. I knew.

"Lance as you know Jacob was sick.. He.. He passed away this evening and I." She burst into tears and my world faded as I did the same. Chris wrapped me in his arms holding me close rocking me; that's how I was told. That's' how I found myself without love in this world when it took a miracle that I had found it to begin with.

I didn't move immediately when the glass shattered around his bare feet. I couldn't move if I did, I would be cut for sure. However, you have to realize with everything that has happened since he died. I really don't care about anything and nothing really matters when I do. I honestly really don't care; I can't feel now. My heart has been so cold and alone. Truly all I have wanted is nothing more than to stop this nightmarish dream I began living when Jacob came into my life. Now that he is gone where do I live. There is nothing left... I wonder sometimes if I am actually still lying in the hospital dreaming that dream and this is the end just before life begins again with Jacob and I just starting out. Would I do it all over again knowing that this is where it will end up? Yes, I would and I see the light of my situation. If I truly could wake myself up from the nightmare I would be all right and the beginning would be there. I would be happy again right?

"Lance stop!"

There was a rustling behind me as I stepped up to the balcony edge. I didn't feel the small bits of glass that attempted to cut through the soles of my feet. I didn't feel Chris approaching. It was all crashing down around me. It was all a haze and I was to jump into it to make it all end. The beginning was just in sight. It all makes sense now. I am dreaming and Jacob is still sitting next to my bed back in the time when we began. He loves me I know he does. Who else would take such action to save the most unrecognized member of N'Sync?

Chris is screaming at me as he sees what I am about to do. No one came to aid him; no one can. Chris had locked the door accidentally as he entered the room. It was just he and I to clear the deadly fog.

Joey had not followed Chris he had decided that we had to handle our hearts alone. He would be there for us, but right now, it was to be our decision. Not once did he hear the screaming Chris was doing. There was a sort of calm about the room as he watched television.

Final battle

"Lance please I have loved you for so long. Let me help you please?" Chris pleaded trying to get me to stop as he began to make his way through the glass. He had no shoes on and he had no care to worry about it at the time. If he were to have lost me, he would not have another reason to care. It would have been another person that had loved and lost. It would have repeated over again with another life shattered. I heard the words and my world stopped.

"Give me a chance please. I have loved you since before he came into your life. I told him so. But I also knew that you would never love me then," Chris said taking another step forwards glass slipping by his feet vicariously missing his flesh. "That night at the hospital when he saved you. I saw him confess to you how he felt. I was the one who wanted too. I was the one who told him how I felt about you. He said he would never hurt you. He said, he wanted more than anything to love you... You were so happy. I couldn't tell you. And now.." Chris went on but a whispering took over my ears as I heard what was said before and understood. Justine's truth finally sank in and all this time Chris only stayed by me out of pity.

"Go away Chris. You have no idea what it's like to be me," I said determined and not stepping down.

"Please hear me out Lance. I know I have never told you but you need too."

"No I don't! I have lived the last three years waiting for someone to tell me why! Tell me why I had to live alone all of this time without hope in my heart! Tell me why when I find hope it is ripped away from me! Tell me why!.. I loved him and no one will ever understand what it is like to be loved like that back. To have the one person who knows you and loves you die without warning. Without justice, without anything to hold you together. If it had have been one of you then I would have had him to help me through it!"

"I have tried to be there for you! You push me away! You hold me back! When all I want to do is care for you, comfort you, and I never asked for anything more," Chris said attempting to take a step forwards.

"You loved me secretly! I have known the entire time! I don't want to hurt you like I have been hurt Chris. I never want you to have to feel this way about me and then lose me. I never want anyone to feel this way again," I said the words and stretched my arms out wide. He was looking down now as he realized what I was about to do. If I had jumped it would have been to stop the emotions that I was doomed to feel. I would no longer have to keep being alone to protect the ones I love or myself. This nightmare was to end and I would finally be awake and living again.

"Love knows no boundaries, it exists all around us. Sometimes we never know what lies ahead, rather than accepting it, we deny ourselves the chance," Jacob repeated in my mind. But, it was not as if I was hearing it in my head. I could feel Jacob standing next to me and hear his words ringing in my ears. "Yes, I knew. Yes, it's real. Undying love, forever and a day, if you consider two years forever and a day. That was us Lance and here he is wanting to give you more than I ever could. This is only the beginning," Jacob said as I felt myself being pushed away from the balcony edge and fall.

"For so long I have waited to tell you. I was scared that you would shut me out. I want you in my life as more than what we have already." I fell landing in Chris's awaiting arms in a sudden rush as a gust of wind on a calm night blew me back.

"Shut up Chris and get us back inside," I said weeping wrapping my arms around his neck.

Worried friends/Quiet Talk

Joey's Point of View

Jacob was the kind of guy that everyone loves. You know what I mean; the good hearted happy to be around you sort of person. To be honest, it got annoying after a while. I guess the only reason I am telling you this is because I kind of wished I were more like him. None of us knew him really except for Lance. And as you already know so far, he really knew him, how do I put this... Well.

They loved each other, we all saw it, and it was beautiful to see. Being a straight single guy like myself I am sure you are wondering how I would know what beautiful is in a gay relationship. But to be honest there is no need to wonder. Being a good person, being of good heart, being a human being without judgment; except from me, this all allows me see the beauty. Besides all that, the love they shared made me want the same things with a woman. Honest love is hard to find, but honest, passionate, romantic love is harder to find. To keep it for a while is a blessing to loss it is a life of blindness.

They met they fell in love and they stayed together for a little over two years. When I look back on it now I can say it was the happiest I have ever seen Lance. But since Jacob passed away, I can tell you that it is the saddest I have ever seen Lance. Sometimes, I wonder if he will bounce back. Sometimes, I see it in his eyes. He is trying to fit in and be one of us again I see it there, and I wonder if I see it only because Chris is standing there.

That brings me to the next question you're probably asking. What do I think of Lance and Chris being a couple? Well the truth is I hope they do become a couple. The one person who knows Lance better than Lance does or Jacob did, has always been Chris. When no one can get Lance moving, Chris makes it happen. I can't really explain it. I guess you just have to see them together.

Lance smiles and Chris's face lights up. Chris also gets down sometimes and thinks none of us notice. I see Lance noticing; I see him actually start the act like he is unhappy and Chris suddenly comes to his rescue. That's when Lance smiles and that's when Chris lights up. It makes weird sense and at times, I think `man they got it bad'. But, you've got to realize when one person knows how to make another happy and neither of the two wants to admit it there comes a time when it is necessary to just keep your mouth shut. I also know, when one is dying inside and has no more light other than that one person and doesn't see that, actions speak louder than words.

Clear the clouds away, take the cobwebs down it is time to let the light in and see what you are missing. Someday, I'll tell them both what I know. Chris now knows that I see the way he loves him. Hopefully by me telling him to open his mouth, he will also open his eyes. Once he sees what he has, he will charge it, grasp it, and never let it go. Lance will cling to Chris for life. They'll make it. They are meant to be together without the boundaries.

JC's POV

I guess I never considered taking Lance under my wing after Jacob passed. I can't say why really. I mean we are friends and I do care what happens to Lance. Jacob meant a lot to Lance and I guess I sort of should be thanking both of them for making me see that being who I am was okay. I just never had a chance really. When I had finally decided to make it official, they announced their relationship and soon after Jacob told Chris about their engagement. Lance told us small things eventually. But still there was no inclusion of us in their relationship.

It was one of those moments; you know the moment when you wish you were someone else, wishing to be them. It was also one of those moment, that I was thankful it wasn't me as well. I mean think about it. If you were going to get married to someone everyone knows (which is how it usually happens) and everyone still has to keep it a secret, what would you wish more than anything? You would wish to be able to tell the world. True love makes you happy and you automatically want to share that with the world. But in the world we all live in that is impossible. Jacob understood this from the beginning. Lance was the one questioning his place. I guess in a way that made me feel threatened.

Lance and Jacob had decided on their date for the wedding itself. It was cool to watch them have their little secret. Although most of us had figured out what their welcome home party was really about, and no one said a word. We didn't want to blow the surprise. But, all good surprises require a degree of silence and they were trying. However, their fight on the last night of that short tour never would allow them that secrecy. That's when I changed my mind about telling everyone.

"Jacob I know you don't want to tell everyone but at least let's talk about it," Lance pleaded with Jacob.

"Lance, I won't do this. I won't argue with you over your career. We agreed not to tell anyone outside of the group." Jacob was finished with this conversation he rushed out of the room they shared only to run head long into Justin standing on the other side of the door.

"Jacob if you leave there will be no wedding!"

"What!" Jacob spun around where he stood with a shocked Justin standing right next to him.

"Wedding?" Justin asked as Chris, Joey and I walked into the main room from the hallway we had been standing in. We had heard the whole conversation. Jacob walked back into the bedroom shutting the door with a slam.

"Now you listen to me Lance! I don't want us to fight over this. We talked about this already.."

"No! You talked about this and this is my life too! I want to tell everyone how I feel about you Jacob. I am not the most popular of the guys in the group the fans will be okay. The life we lead will be better by telling everyone Jacob. We need to be us. That is how we will survive. By hiding who we are we only ask that the press dig deeper into our lives," Lance said and I remember commenting that day to the guys.

"He does have a point guys." However, no one seemed to agree. I guess when I looked at all of them at that point I knew I could never tell them the truth about me.

It's funny to think now that I was so willing to tell them after Lance came out. But, after that fight and seeing what it was going to do to all of us I just couldn't. I guess now seemed like the right time. We had all finally come to terms with who each of us was. Of course, that's minus the one fact about me of course. I don't hide who I really am and I never have confirmed or denied it to them because it just has not come up. But given the chance I would tell them.

True my stress has been high lately. I'm watching my best friends go through hell over a guy that died three years ago. I am watching my life before me and I don't know how to stop it from ending up that way. Most gay couples don't last, it's a fact and I want my life to be better than that. Sure right now, I play around, nothing serious, but I still find comfort when I need it. If the right one is out there, I will be waiting for him. Then there is Justin, if he was only, but that was a stupid thought all together. We have been friends for so long it will never happen. He doesn't even know all the fact about me being gay. If he did though I think he would take it well.

Tension among us

"What the hell is happening in there?" Justin asked as he looked at his watch. He was late for meeting up with Britney again.

"They're talking. I told you that," Joey said. He had actually managed to get the door open about an hour or so ago. It shocked both Chris and Lance who were propped up on the bed talking holding each other. But when they realized it was just Joey checking up everything was fine. He grinned and pulled his red head back to the other side of the door quietly.

"What you have failed to tell us is why all the drama Joey," JC said sitting smoking a cigarette in the corner of the room. He had picked up the habit just days ago but it was really getting on everyone's nerves so far.

"They're talking JC that's all. There has been a lot going on with Lance we all know that. When Chris is ready to talk to you about what has been bothering." Joey didn't get a chance to answer completely; he was in shock at what had come out of JC's mouth.

"So he finally told Lance I take it? I guess I will finally have another two people coming to the clubs with me?" JC said smiling like a cat that ate a canary.

"And what clubs would that be?" Justin asked.

"Gay specific," JC exhaling smoke directly towards Justin continuing the smiling.

'I guess the secret is out now. I should feel like a damn idiot for saying it that way. But, the truth is I am tired of hiding it and look of on Justin's face is classic. He has that quirky little grin on his face. I recognize it as the one he gets after he talks to Britney on the phone. He is giving it too me.' JC thinks as he stares at Justine.

"Maybe we should just watch a movie and wait guys it could be a while," Joey says coming to rescue.

LB CK

We made it inside the room with no scars to show. Neither of us noticed the glass still lying where it had shattered. Chris was only worried about me and I was for once feeling content in the arms of a man who truly cared.

"We talked about another man loving me and how he sometimes was jealous of you. He never told me who and I always suspected it was you, but Chris you never said anything," I said laying down on the bed holding to Chris as if it was the only thing I needed in this life.

"I never told you because I never wanted to hurt you. Jacob and I were friends. Almost better friends in ways than I have been to the rest of the guys. Lance you have always been the one. I just thought that if I aid it out loud you would never except me. I just knew because you love him still and you always will. I don't want you to feel like you have to love me. I don't want you to think that after tonight you need to, just because I am here. I honestly love you Lance and I want you to feel that loving honesty for me too. But, I will understand if you don't." I cut Chris off then, I had to tell him the whole truth.

"Tonight, I heard him Chris. He told me so long ago. I never knew it was you. I do love you Chris. The last three months have been the best. The nights when you are awake and watching over me, you always think, I am asleep. What you don't know is that I am lying there wondering why you care so much. I was hoping in the back of my mind that it could be. I was just not willing to make the moves for fear of losing everything else this heart of mine still feels... Those nights I realized honestly, that I do love you more than I should. Not more than I should but more than I wanted to admit before now," I said looking up from where his head was resting against Chris's chest.

"Death has a way of showing us what others mean to us. To bad most of the time, we never really say what we mean until it is to late. I had to make myself tell you how I feel tonight Lance. It hurts me to think that I may have lost you and never had the chance. God why did I hold out so long," Chris said looking away from me.

"Because you cared for both of us Chris. He was your best friend when he was here. I guess that is why we never got together. Well, that and the fact that I am still in love with his memory," I said trying to get him to look at me as he still looked away towards the balcony.

"I promised him because he was the right one for you. I just never expected him to go like he did. When you told me, I couldn't believe he was gone. Edna had already told me when she called so that I would know what was going on. But, it seemed so much more real coming from you and I just wanted to die along with him. Have I ever told you what we said to each other at the hospital that day," Chris said looking at me as I went off into my own dreamland.

"It was the only way I could feel close to you at times. What I mean it most of the time I would catch you during the day when you would be thinking about him and what it all meant. I have to admit that when you weren't thinking like that I saw the old Lance that I had originally fallen in love with. Those times made me miss you but they also made me want to love you even more. It was hard, it always has been and I know Lance and I know I should have told you sooner. But like I said, I was scared. I told him I would respect what you two had. I told him I would never tell you. I didn't think you would ever feel the same way I do," Chris said looking down into my green eyes.

"I do, I always have. But I also felt like no one would ever love me that way again. He was a special person in a lot of way. I mean you know that story. You know we were together. You know he was my first. The cancer set in so fast. I lost him with no control or say over my life and the happiness he brought to it. He was just gone and I was alone," I said leaning hard into Chris's chest as a fresh wave of tears flowed from my eyes.

"You were never alone Lance. And if I have anything to do with it you wont be alone again," Chris reaching down pulling me to face him again. "I love you, I know what it feels like to tell you, now I want to show you," Chris said and I was caught by surprise. In my mind in the past, I had heard him say those words to me in that dream. That wonderful dream that I had let slip out of my life for so long. We were staring at one another. I edged forwards drawing our faces closer to one another.

"I love you too Chris," I said and gently kissed Chris's lips making all my fears began to wash away.

The past revisited

Jacob and Chris had been gone for about an hour now. Justin had already told me about everything and I was in a confused state of mind. But, as soon as they walked back in and Chris pushed Jacob towards the hospital bed I knew that Justin was wrong. I just knew.

"Hey your still awake. Your even smiling," Jacob said grabbing my hand.

"I have a lot to smile about," I replied looking over at Chris seeing he was smiling too. I thought he was just happy for me.

"Well, I know a secret your going to love," Jacob said his face falling a little.

"Really what's that?" I asked hesitantly.

Chris stepped forwards and placed a hand on Jacob's shoulder to stop him from saying what he had too. But for some reason Jacob just smiled and kissed the end of my nose. Silence filled the room as I realized I had never before let anyone know that I was gay. I looked up at JC first, his faced showed me that it was okay his eyes were fine with what just happen and he was smiling from ear to ear.

"You know I have something to say to all of you," I said half wishing this moment had never come. The other half of me was glad however that it was Jacob causing it.

"You can't already be pregnant can you," Joey said smiling at me.

"If I was I am sure that would make Jacob think twice about being with me," I responded only to find Jacob profusely shaking his head no.

"So is it answer number 1 or answer number 2. We always wanted to ask but you know you're our Lance and you have to have privacy too," Justin said smiling.

"I'm hoping for number 1," JC said not realizing what he was saying until it was too late.

"JC according to our conversation earlier that would make him gay," Justine said flatly.

Everyone was now looking at JC. I was relieved and pissed at the same time. Here all this time I had wanted to tell the guys the truth and there was no place for me to tell them. JC had just brought me out to everyone and no one had figured it out.

"Yes," JC said in an even tone and all eyes turned back to me. I was trying not to laugh as I looked up at Jacob and ignored everyone else. I reached up with my right hand drawing him near as we kissed mouth to mouth tongue to tongue in front of everyone then I answered the question as we started to pull away.

"Thank God you're here and not a woman," I said and Jacob laughed so hard he collapsed on top of me causing me pain but I held it back. Jacob climbed up and crawled in the bed. I was laughing as I came out of my reverie with Chris sitting next to me on the bed still.

Although it seemed like it was happening over again in my mind it had been long ago. Chris was looking at me smiling as I giggled seeing him.

"It has been so long since you have actually smiled Lance. It's nice to see it," Chris said and I sank back inside a little trying not to let it show.

"Oh Lance I shouldn't have said that I'm sorry baby let me make it up to you. I was just about to tell you what we had talked about that day."

Chris's POV

Lance is upset again. Man I have to think fast. Why do I always think of just the wrong thing to say to him? It has been what three years since Jacob passed away? But, I can remember him like it was yesterday. He was always the one person on the stage crew that I connected with. None of the guys in the group knew but I had already met him before all of this began. I begin to tell Lance the story and he sets up listening intently.

It was about 4 months or so before Lance had his little accident. I was hanging out with Jacob, Dan, and Jordan backstage before our New Hampshire show. It's funny now that I think about it. I had been talking to Jacob about how I was infatuated with a guy I knew and how close I had come on so many occasions to telling him. I even told him it would ruin our friendship and how I was concerned with loosing him. It never occurred to me to tell him it was actually Lance.

Later I learned he thought I was talking about Dan Michaelson, I laughed when he told me. Of course, that was at the Hospital that day. Part of me was mad because I always thought he knew it was Lance. Dan of course was my type too. But, I hardly knew Dan. I only went backstage to hang out with Jacob. He was always friendly and personable and man I would have even loved to date him now that I think about. The truth is I went to the Hospital early for two reasons. One I wanted to check on Lance, my Lance. Two, I wanted to confront the thieve that was stealing his heart from me. I wanted to confront Jacob, when I got there seeing them so close I could not do what I had pictured myself doing it. I sank inside myself realizing that Lance was smiling and happy with this person that I thought had stolen his heart from me. Somehow, deep inside I honestly knew he had never stolen him from me. Lance never knew about me to begin with and Jacob was not the type to steal his heart from me. He would have rather given up and he tried to.

Justin and the others arrived shortly there after giving me the coldest look I have ever experienced in my life. I had left them all alone without a word never once telling them where I was going or why. I had never mentioned to any of them that I was in love with our friend Lance. I just wanted to get to the Hospital so I left them behind and now was my time to be given the group cold stare all except Lance and Jacob.

I looked over to the two of them now as the guys all stood near the foot of the bed leaving me alone. Jacob let go of Lances hand immediately as JC came up next to him and apologized for the way he had been brushed off by our on site management. Jacob sighed heavily. He explained that it was not our faults that management was only protecting the show. I remember laughing to myself thinking that it was no longer about us, it was now only about the show.

I immediately could see that the guys were not going to give me a break when they would not even acknowledge me. My heart sank as they all stood there not looking at me once. 'If they only knew' was all I kept thinking. I looked over at the uneasiness in Lance's eyes as they all crowded around him. Jacob even looked out of place. I decided it was time to talk to him. Not yell, not confront just talk to him.

"Jacob you want to come with me, I need to breathe," I said and saw him smile over at me while no one other than Lance reacted. Lance actually looked hurt by my leaving, but it was necessary.

The world outside

"Britney, look like I said I'm sorry," Justin said into the phone as JC sat listening to his friend apologizing for the fifth or sixth time. "Women!" Justin shouted as he slammed the receiver down on the phone.

"Troubles in paradise," JC asked smiling.

Joey was asleep on the couch again. Lately he had been doing this a lot. Staying up late watching television in the main room or the suite while the others stayed up in their rooms. Tonight was no different and JC knew it.

"So, Justin you look like you could use a little TLC," JC asked seductively with a grin.

"You wish! Besides what makes you think I would want to kiss an ashtray?" Justin asked taking yet again another pot shot at JC's new habit. Of course, in the back of his mind JC did have sort of a sexy aura about him with that damned thing hanging out of his mouth. It made him have a kind of a James Dean look.

"I see your point," JC said crushing his fresh pack in his hand. "I better go brush my teeth," JC said standing up, but before he left the room, he had one final thing to say. "Will that make you happier," JC asked stopping and winking at Justin.

"Yes, it would. But then again I don't know what your up too," Justin said.

"Just trying to make you happy Justy," JC said stressing the pet name Britney had given him on the MMC.

It sounded much different coming from JC, almost seductive. There was an inclination in his head to push the throws of their friendship to a new level. He was suddenly confused and happy at the same time. It was not like he had not given the thought to experimenting on JC before. But, what if he didn't like it what if.

Justin had no time to answer the question as JC was now done and heading right for him. Joey was safely asleep on the couch and there was nothing to stop it unless he didn't want it to happen now.

"Ready," JC asked and all Justin could do was look at him with a dumb founded smile on his face. JC looked at him all the while smiling and leaned forwards. Justin grabbed the back of JC head and pulled him in tight pressing their lips together. This was their decisive moment; this was their moment for Joey to wake up.

"Guys, what the hell is going on?" Joey said calmly.

Justin and JC pulled apart looking at one another first and them turning to Joey. Justin was the first person to speak as the two of them looked at him with smiles plastered across their faces.

"JC quite smoking," Justin said turning back to kiss JC softly.

"No, you missed the point Justin," Joey replied.

"No I didn't," Justin said pointing at JC's protruding dick.

"Okay, so you're turned on by the kiss but are you telling me you're... um." Joey paused not wanting to ask the question. "Never mind," Joey said rolling over facing the back of the couch hoping to doze off again.

"Well, yes I am turned on by the kiss. But this is JC, he is you know," Justin said making a waving motion as he gestured to JC.

"No Really! Forget I woke up guys," Joey said not turning back to look at them.

Lance's Point of View

The truth is Jacob had told me most of what Chris is saying to me now.

"Jacob you want to come with me, I need to breathe," Chris said and Jacob smiled over at him. In some way, I was actually hurt by their leaving, but it was necessary. I was confused enough here, one of my best friends was taking the man I now had found in my heart. That very same man was running out the door with my best friend. What was a guy supposed to think. Then Chris went on to do the one thing that I smile about every time I hear this story.

They had made it to the cafeteria before Chris began his speech. Jacob told me one that this was the whole reason he found Chris so endearing.

"Jacob, love him for him not for the group. Don't let anything stop that love. In your mind, nothing else should be important. Now there is something you need to know before I take you back in there. You and I are friends and I know that you can keep a secret but this is something I have to say." Chris paused looking for the words and Jacob knew what he was going to say.

"You love him too! Oh my God. Chris I never.. I thought you were talking about Dan... I won't pursue this I never realized."

"Jacob he loves you not me. Keep my secret for me and everyone will be safer that way please. They don't even know that I am gay," Chris said.

'No," Jacob replied.

"What?"

"I can't."

"You will"

"I wont, you love him as much as I do and there is no way that I should be involved with him now that I know," Jacob paused. "You always talked to me about the guy and your thoughts of how you felt about him and I should have known."

"That's why you have to keep it a secret. You saw his face he is so happy and confusing the two of and making a decision about the two of us is not right. I will step down. You two belong together and that is final. I will deny this and no one will know. I promise you that I will never tell him as long as you two are in love," Chris said standing up to walk back to the hospital room.

"Don't I have a say in this?" Jacob asked.

"No" Chris replied with his classical stubbornness. Jacob and Chris were inseparable as friends with the rest of us now. No more would they hide their friendship.

That night when they came back to the room and Chris stood back giving Jacob room to come to me I almost cried. The funny thing is I think I knew then that Chris had feelings for me. But admitting that when Jacob was standing right there was something I was not willing to look at until now. I mean Jacob a man I was immediately attracted to, Chris the man I had always known and never gotten a straight idea on weather, or not he would or would not come to me when I needed him. The truth was Jacob seemed to be the one choice and I would not change that now. Especially now that Chris and I are so much closer. My insanity will be here for a while to come I can feel that. But his arms have found me and made me relax falling in love with him increasingly with every second now that he hold me in love and contentment.

Love held true

"Should we tell everyone else our little discovery," Chris asked, thinking that the guys were still waiting.

"I guess so Chris," I said still lying with my head on his chest.

"Lance if you really don't want to that's okay. I understand that this is between us and all but, I have to tell you something too. Joey well.. Joey kind of figured me out and I bet if our other friends are as smart as, I think they are. They probably already have it figure out," Chris said and immediate regretted telling me as I lifted myself up and headed immediately to the door.

As I opened the door, I was greeted with a sight I never expected to see. I stood motionless and looked back over my shoulder to see Chris approaching me from behind. As Chris reached the door, he saw exactly what had stopped me from going any further. I reached back and pulled Chris close to me leaned back for support.

Justin and JC never noticed the audience that now was watching. They weren't having sex yet but if they continued, they would be soon. Justine was on top and grinding heavily into JC as they continued to make out.

"Should we, tell them now" Chris whispered into my ear.

"No! We're to busy. Happy for you! But, we are busy as you can see." Justin replied.

"Touchy, touchy," I said pushing Chris back into the room.

"Well, that is interesting," Chris said setting back down on the bed.

"Yes, it was," I said taking a close look at Chris.

"What better way to spend my evening," I said pushing him firmly down onto the bed as I straddled him.

Chris and I rolled over on the bed as our lips met igniting the mood. All the years of friendship and closeness had a new meaning at this moment as Chris unbuttoned my shirt. JC not knowing they could be heard moaned out Justin's name just down the hall. Chris began to kiss down my neck while running his hands freely over my chest. The taste of sweet seat rolled gleefully across his tongue as he licked down leading his mouth to its next challenge.

"Chris, oh god." I moaned out unsuccessfully stopping myself from announcing our moment to our friends.

"Yes love," Chris asked as he fingered the button on my pants with one hand and gently messaged my cock through my zipper with his other hand.

"I love you," I said sending Chris into a happy touching moments as he hands grazed my heavy balls and ran back the shaft of my cock.

"I love you too Lance," Chris said lowering his head and brushing his lips along my now bulging head.

"Oh!" I moaned out again sending the sound echoing meeting JC's own moans of ecstasy half way across the suite.

"Lance could you keep it down Justine and I are trying to show each other what TLC really is," JC shouted as we tried to ignore him.

"Baby, could you let up for a second," I said and just as Chris followed orders, I pressed him hard into the bed where I quickly stripped him of his pants.

"Time for my treat," I knew I wanted this more than anything now. I was never so sure of anything in my life. I gingerly ran my tongue along Chris's shaft while rolling the drooping nuts around in the palm of my hand. Chris gently ran his fingers through my now flattened hair. He had fallen for this Lance. The regular Lance away from the camera's and lights. Chris had always known this guy. He had loved me so long for me and never before had we been able to show each other. I wanted to show him now that I understood and there would never be a moment when we would not be together but it was too soon for anything else.

"I love you Chris"

" I love you too Lance" Chris said pulling me to him into an embrace. My mind leapt to thinking only of him and I. He was the one that I needed to make me sane. He was all there was anymore. I do truly love him.

And again the words came to mind that finally set me free from the nightmare cage of the past.

'Love knows no boundaries, it exists all around us. Sometimes we never know what lies ahead, rather than accepting it, we deny ourselves the chance.'

'Undying love? Forever and a day?' I asked myself realizing that he was always there. Tears ran down my soft pale cheeks as I continued staring into Chris's eyes He was crying now, as we didn't move it was about us now. It was all about the future. I leaned in kissing him gently before I tried to explain what was happening to me.

"No more boundaries Chris. I love you," I said.

"Promise?" Chris asked leaning forwards and kissing me back.

"Yes," I replied, as his entire face was bright and hopeful.

"I love you too Lance. Always," Chris said and we fell asleep for the first time as lovers in one another's arms.

The End

Special Bonus

Justin and I had made it to the room removing our clothes as we lay on the bad holding one another making out. He was so beautiful, just as I have always pictured him and just as I had always wanted him. I had never told him before now. I had never thought that he would accept me this way before. But, here we were after I have actually made a stupid one liner joke. I expected him to flip me off and here he is the one and only Justin that I have always secretly wanted in one fashion or another. Of course, until now, I had been cynical about this happening and I would have never put positive thought into it. But I love him.

I trailed my tongue down his body tasting every inch of him along the way. There is the dick I had always imagined wrapping my lips around. There it is with its balls hangings tightly at its shaft. The taste of his flesh fills my mouth and nose as I swallow him to the hilt. His pubs tickle my nose as I realize I have him resting tightly in my throat he moans in pleasure, as I want him more now. I want all of him Even if for one night I want this to be everything he thinks and dreams of sex to be in the future. I want him to compare everyone else too.

"Justin will you." I was suddenly bashful and not sure I could ask what I wanted. Instead I slid my way up his body and kissed him deeply.

The longer we kissed the more my courage grew. "Will you make love to me?" I finally asked the one question I had always wished to have the chance to utter. Finally, with it past my lips and the look in Justin's eyes I knew it was something I should have done long ago. This was right. Why I had not seen it before was far and distant to me now. Justin had always loved me and I knew it now. I could see all the signs that had been there. There was always Justin. He was the one to support me all the while I had tried to push it out of my mind. He knew and had always played the Britney card to keep it under wraps.

"Yes, Joshua. I love you," Justin said and thought for a moment of what to do next. He was far less experienced than I. Justin knew it would make very little difference as he continued to rub and caress my skin.

"How about I show you first," I said seeing the uneasiness in his eyes and realizing the answer that I needed to see was there as he nodded with a sheepish grin.

I completely crouched over Justin now lowering myself onto the rock hard shaft trying to see how far I could go. My judgment was very good as I slowed myself down only feeling the faintest moments of pain. I let my ass relax further holding completely still until I was a little more comfortable. It had been quite some time and I could see the intense look of awe in Justin's eyes as the feeling of tight warmth over took him. Feeling Justin inside me sent shivers of pleasure through his own body. Although I was only half way down there was so much more pleasure in my mind. Far more in fact than I had ever-expected his love to feel like. I began to slide further down almost completely resting against Justin's now rigid body.

"God, Justin you feel so go inside of me." I said loudly as he shushed me placing a finger to my lips.

Instead of replying Justin sat partially up and kissed me as I leaned forwards to meet him. As if on cue, he began to move his hips in slow motion thrusting the rest of the way in causing a whimper in pleasure. Our mouths remained closed locked together as we embraced holding on in the motions of pleasure and most certain ecstasy. Justin began to withdraw, while I slightly lifted myself up the stiff rod. He immediately tightened up his muscles when I began to slide back down the shaft making him go deeper hitting the right spot sending electric shock waves throughout my own body.

I felt Justine's balls slap against my ass as I moved up and down the shaft in a bouncing motion sending Justin closer to the edge. He threw his head back drawing away from the kiss and leaving my mouth to moan. I was running out of breath; my body was reacting as if there was none like this for it. I felt my heart race as the pleasure began to build inside of me as my legs became weak and my arms grew tired.

"Oh, God," Justin moaned into our mouths as we connected kissing again. I rested completely on Justin again I pushed him back onto the bed.

"I want this Justin," I said lifting myself up and slamming back down repeatedly sending the two of us into a sweat filled dream. Just when Justin was ready to completely loss control I pulled completely off of him and lay out on the bed face down resting my head on my crossed arms.

"Now Justin!" I shouted wanting him in me again. I needed him inside me again, it was not just a necessity now it was a yearning unquenchable desire. Justin obliged me quickly slipping on top of me slipping his rock hard cock to the hilt into my ass with one full thrust.

Soon he was moving again thrusting hard as the hour rolled by. I moaned and whimpered in pleasure, and ecstasy. Chris, Lance and Joey could no longer be heard as Justin began to pant and groan in pleasure. The pressure was building again deep inside as I felt my body closing in on the verge of explosion.

I pushed up on all four and then leaned back to rest against the still thrusting Justin. He too was on the verge of coming for the last few moments. I knew it would be soon as he pounded my ass with slight hesitations as he drove deep into me.

"Come one baby that's it. You're hitting the spot right there.." I let out one final moan as my cock let loss ropes of cum. Justin felt my ass tighten as he began to pull out and thrust in to me last time. His hips came to a dead stop as his cock was buried deep inside me. Spent and exhausted his body gave forth the final blow of energy it had as his seed deeply found it way into me, sending the two of us panting crashing onto the bed.

"I.. Love.. you.. JC" Justin said sending my heart home as he finally said the words I longed to hear.

" I .. Love. you.. too.. Justin" I panted letting a single tear stroll down my cheek telling me this was real even if only for now.

"No more Britney JC. I love you," Justin said hugging me tightly from behind still lying on my back.

"I love you too. But, I thought you two were a sure thing?" I asked leaned my head back kissing the side of his face.

"Yes, at one time. But using her as I have is never going to make my love for you disappear." Justin replied as his entire face was bright and hopeful.

"I love you too. I always have I just never thought you would return that love," I said.

Justin gently pulled out of me and I rolled over on my side to face him. We lay silently staring into one another's eyes in my bed both no doubts still wondering where our lives had come too. We did not say another word as we fell asleep for the first time as lovers in one another's arms.

The Bonus End.

So what do you think? Would you like to see more from me about N'Sync? How about the next and final installment for this called "Letters" Writergray@aol.com Writergray@msn.com