NOW OR NEVER by Robin Smithson
Disclaimer: If you are underage, please go somewhere else. If you are committing any crimes by reading this, please go somewhere else. This is a piece of fiction. It does not depict true life; therefore, I have no idea what floats `N Sync's boat, if y'all know what I mean. Thanks to everyone that emailed me and encouraged me to continue the story! I absolutely loved the compliments. Let me know what y'all think about this chapter too! Please email me at nsajscgirl@yahoo.com with your comments and suggestions. Oh, yeah and I'm another female writer, please don't hold that against me! Robin
Previously on Now or Never:
They stared at each other in silence, Justin unsure of why Lance tensed when he touched him, and Lance hoping that Justin would try to touch him again so that he wouldn't have to be alone anymore. That's what it was really about. Lance thought he would be alone forever, and he had every reason to think so. He had thought that his secret would go with him to the grave, forcing him to live a lonely life. But this was the moment he had to make a choice, a choice that would forever change his life, not to mention what it would do to the lives of his loved ones. He had to make a choice; it was now or never.
And now, Chapter 2 of Now or Never:
The silence stretched out in front of the two men as Lance continued to contemplate his choices. The words "now or never" were being continuously repeated in Lance's mind. Justin reached over to the side table and grabbed his water bottle. He took a good swing of the water, cleared his throat loudly and stared at his friend. What it really came down to was whether or not Lance had the guts to confide in Justin. It would be so wonderful if he could just come out and say what was bothering him. Lance knew that it would feel like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. There was something holding him back though, and Lance knew exactly what it was, the fear of rejection. He was being a coward by not telling his friends, but somewhere in the back of his mind was a little voice was telling him that he wouldn't have any more friends after he shared his secret.
"It's now or never," Lance mumbled under his breath. Justin strained to hear the words spoken by Lance, but couldn't make them out.
"What did you just say?" Justin asked, startling Lance out of his thoughts.
"I...um...Justin...I have to t...tell you something," Lance stuttered. All of the sudden he was incredibly nervous. His stomach was tight and he felt butterflies moving around, looking for an escape. The room seemed hot all of the sudden as Justin looked at Lance with keen interest.
"Okay," Justin responded simply, hoping to set Lance at ease. Lance suddenly felt the need for movement so he picked up his glass full of Dr. Pepper and drank down a huge gulp before standing up and pacing in front of the TV. He was wringing his hands nervously as he walked back and forth, back and forth.
"Well, I...Damn, why is this so hard?" Lance asked out loud even though he knew the answer to the question. After living with his secret for so long, it had become second nature to hide its evidence. To suddenly come to the decision to give up that secret, Lance was giving up a part of his personality that he had created and learned to live with. He wouldn't need to hide his true self from Justin if he told his secret to Justin. He could be himself for once, James Lance Bass. `God, what a relief that would be!' Lance thought to himself.
Justin looked on in fascination. He had never, never seen Lance like this. Justin just wanted to reach out and pull Lance into a protective hug; to save him from all the worry he was going through, so that's what he did. Silently, Justin rose to his feet and approached Lance. Lance was so caught up in trying to figure out how to tell Justin his secret that he didn't notice him until Justin actually grabbed his forearms and pulled him into a hug. Lance was shocked into silence, his arms automatically coming up and around Justin to pull him even closer. They stood like that in the middle of Lance's dimly lit living room for what seemed like hours. Lance could feel the sting of fresh tears trying to force themselves out of his eyes and down his cheeks. He squeezed them shut tightly. He had to be strong; he couldn't just fall apart at every little sign of concern Justin showed! Justin was surprised to feel Lance begin to shake slightly and he began questioning himself. `What in the world could cause Lance to become so emotional?' Justin thought to himself.
"Justin?" Lance asked tentatively, his voice thick with emotion.
"Yeah?" was Justin's soft reply.
"I am so scared," Lance whimpered, the tears he was trying so hard to hold back were streaming down his face regardless. Justin could feel them soaking his shirt.
"Why, Lance? Why are you scared? There's nothing for you to be afraid of!" Justin said emphatically. He just didn't understand what was going on with Lance.
"I'm scared of losing you," Lance replied softly. He couldn't believe he was actually doing this. Justin hugged Lance tighter before the older boy continued. "I'm scared of losing the guys. I'm scared of being alone," he stated finally.
"I don't understand, Lance. I'm not going anywhere! The guys aren't going anywhere either. If you're talkin' about a girlfriend, you'll find someone, man! Don't sweat it!" Justin had been trying to ease Lance's fears, but unintentionally he had done the exact opposite. Lance pulled away from Justin almost violently.
"YOU JUST DON'T GET IT DO YOU!" Lance shouted. Justin stared at Lance wide-eyed before responding angrily.
"GET WHAT?! AM I SUPPOSE TO BE ABLE TO READ YOUR DAMN MIND!? I DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN' MAGIC CRYSTAL OR ANYTHING! TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG!!!!" Justin hollered right back at Lance, getting in his face. That was the last reaction he had expected from Justin, but it was the one reaction that made Lance's choice for him. `It is now or never,' Lance told himself. He took a few steps away from Justin, preparing himself for what was to come. After taking in a deep breath and rubbing his sweaty hands on his shorts, he told Justin the secret that had been eating him alive.
"I'm gay," he said. Somehow he had managed to say those words loudly and with confidence. The weight was gone, the secret Lance had carried within himself for the past six years had just been spoken aloud. He realized then that he wouldn't take back those two words for anything in this world, regardless of Justin's reaction. Without any qualms, Lance sighed softly and stared straight at Justin, waiting for his response.
Those two small words shocked Justin into silence. Never had he thought Lance was gay. Lance had never said or done anything that would remotely indicate that he was gay. Justin was having a hard time dealing with the fact that Lance had kept something that big to himself. Here he was, considering Lance to be one of his best friends, and he had no clue. While deep in thought, he ran his long fingers through his head of curls and sighed deeply. `What did this mean?' Justin asked himself.
Lance watched closely as his friend came to grips with what he had just said. Justin stood still in the middle of the living room, his white T-shirt gently hugging his upperbody, while his boxers sagged a little, showing a bit of his hard stomach. Lance swallowed uncomfortably as his eyes roamed Justin's body. He couldn't help it; he had always, always been attracted to Justin. Which was one of the reasons why it had been so hard for Lance to spill his secret to him. They were complete opposites in every sense of the word, and you know what they say about opposites. Lance had always been the shy, soft-spoken one of the group, whereas Justin was the all-around guy, popular with everyone. Justin had an incredible sense of humor and he was incredibly mature for his age. Not that any of that matters,' Lance reminded himself sternly. Justin is NOT gay!' Justin finally roused himself enough to speak, pulling Lance out of his reverie.
"Lance, I...I don't know what to say," Justin said weakly, waving his arms around in front of him for emphasis. "I had no clue."
"Yeah, well, I hid it pretty good, didn't I?" Lance asked almost apologetically. Justin nodded quickly and frowned.
"Wow, man. I can't believe you kept this a secret from us. How long have you known?" Justin asked curiously. He moved back towards the couch and sat down quickly as though he couldn't hold himself up anymore.
"For about six years now," was Lance's swift reply. He was still standing in the same spot he had been standing in when he confessed to Justin.
"SIX YEARS!!!!! You're kidding right?"
"Um, nope." Lance couldn't believe that Justin was willing to sit down and listen to him about this. He was surprised that Justin hadn't simply walked out of the room the moment he told him.
"Wow, Lance. That's right about the time we got together as a group, right? Why did you feel like you had to hide this from us? We're your best friends."
"I...well, I was afraid y'all would hate me," Lance stated. "I was afraid y'all would kick me out of the group. I knew that you considered me to be your friend, but I just wasn't sure that you would accept me for who I am."
"Lance, I would never hate you!" Justin nearly shouted, catching Lance by surprise. He smiled happily once he realized that Justin would remain the close friend that he cherished. Justin returned the smile, noticing how happy he had just made Lance. He hadn't seen it before, but it seemed as though his opinion meant a lot to Lance. "Lansten, you don't have to ever worry about losing my friendship, is that understood?" he asked sternly, to which Lance nodded his reply with relief written across his face. "Good, now I want to know everything! Start from the beginning. What made you realize that you were gay? Have you actually gone out with anyone? Do you...?"
"Woah! Hang on a second! You're going to fast!" Lance laughed, holding up his hand to ward off anymore questions Justin could think of. He couldn't believe it had gone this well! He nearly skipped to the couch in excitement and sat down quickly, close to Justin.
The next few hours flew by as Lance told Justin everything he could think of. How he came to the conclusion that he was gay. How he had managed to keep his secret from the entire group. Justin was fascinated. This explained so much. Lance had always been shy around girls, or so the guys had thought. It was obvious now that he just hadn't been interested. It also explained why Lance's eyes lit up when a good-looking guy entered the room. Their discussion opened Justin's eyes to Lance's previous behavior, the behavior that none of the guys could explain. He understood now why Lance had lost his control earlier this afternoon. While Lance had become accustomed to keeping his secret from everyone, he was under a lot of pressure to keep it just that, a secret. Anger was one of the emotions that the pressure had forced to the surface, causing Lance to blow up easily over a little bit of good-natured teasing.
"What exactly did you mean when you said that you were scared of being alone?" Justin asked, going back to a statement Lance had made earlier. Lance sat quietly for a moment, thinking about Justin's question.
"Well, it's different for me than it is for you guys," Lance said finally. "Although, y'all get a lot of flack for dating girls, you're still dating girls. I know it's especially hard for you, with the media and all, considering you're the heart-throb and everything."
"Hey!" Justin interrupted. He had always hated being called that. He had always wanted the focus of their group to be split evenly between the five guys, but the media had done the exact opposite. "I'm not the heart-throb! You've got just as many girls chasing you as I've got!"
"Yeah, whatever!" Lance said. "Besides, what do I care how many girls are chasing me?" he pointed out.
"Yeah, I see what you mean," Justin replied. "But still, you know I don't like to be called that," he said humbly.
"Yeah, I know, that's why I called you that!" Justin glared at Lance unhappily.
"Can we change the topic please?"
"Yeah, sure. What was I saying? Oh, about dating. Well, unless being gay suddenly becomes 100% acceptable in our society, I have to stay in the closet. What would happened to all of our fans if they found out I was gay?" Lance asked. "It'd probably be the end of N Sync." Justin had never thought about it before, he had never had to, but Lance obviously had. Would their fans turn their backs on N Sync, would they be forced to stop singing? Justin was suddenly scared of the possibility and he looked at Lance with newfound respect.
"You've been living with this secret for six years to keep our careers alive?" Lance nodded and stayed silent. "Wow," Justin said in amazement, "so you haven't gone out with anyone?"
"No, I actually haven't told anyone this other than you. How can I go out with a guy when no one knows I'm gay?"
"Well, do you like anybody right now?" Justin asked curiously. Lance blushed ten shades of red and stared at Justin.
"N...no," Lance managed to stutter out.
"No? What about Thomas?" he asked in confusion. He could have sworn that Lance had a thing for Thomas, one of the guys that was a part of their road crew.
"Thomas? Thomas who? Oh, you mean Thomas Miller, huh?" Lance figured. Justin nodded in agreement before grinning.
"So..."
"No. Thomas is nice and all, but I don't like him like that. He's just a friend," Lance stated. Justin looked at his friend in confusion.
"Then who?"
"Nobody," Lance assured Justin quickly. Justin peered at Lance accusingly and Lance responded by blushing again. All of the sudden, Justin sat up straight, spilling some of the water from his bottle on his T-shirt. He ignored the water and looked at Lance with something close to shock.
"It's not...I mean...well, it's not one of the guys in the group, is it?" Lance's reaction to Justin's accusation said it all. His mouth opened in shock and the blush that occasionally lit up his face was back full force. They sat there for a moment in silence before Justin spoke again. "Who...who is it?" he asked, not really sure if he wanted to know the answer.
"I...um...nobody, Justin. Just forget about it okay?" Lance said desperately. There was no way he was about to confess to having a crush on Justin.
"NO, I want to know who it is," Justin stated emphatically. For some reason, Lance having a thing for one of the other guys bothered him. He refused to ask himself why though as he continued to question Lance. "Joey? Chris? J.JC? Who?"
"I...I..."
Welp, there ya go, Chapter 2. I know it's a little shorter than the first chapter, but to be honest, I'm trying to watch the X-Files and I'm having problems concentrating. I guess that also explains any spelling errors I've made in this chapter too. Sorry! :) Let me know what y'all think. Will Lance tell Justin about his crush or will he find a way out of it? I guess you'll have to wait for Chapter 3 to find out. Once again, a big thanks to all of you that emailed me and encouraged me to continue. Please let me know what you thought about this chapter too. Later people! Robin nsajscgirl@yahoo.com