Alcohol made me feel good. It became my faithful friend and greatly appreciated ally. I found myself looking forward to going home after work and relaxing with a bottle of wine. Sometimes when I was sober, I rationalized that alcohol was helping me flood the emptiness in my heart and filling it with something was better than filling it with nothing. I missed Karen. I missed my kids, even though I didn't know them. I missed Jerry. I walked in my empty apartment and all I felt was alone. The phone calls from the various people I missed only reminded me that I didn't really have any of them. Karen wasn't my wife anymore and Jerry was, well I wasn't sure what he was because he wasn't really my best friend and he wasn't really my boyfriend. I looked back on my life and realized that I had never been alone. First I had my family, then I had Jerry and then I had Karen. I wasn't equipped to be alone for long periods of time.
I went on a second date with Jerry and it was great until the end when he placed a gentle peck on my lips for the second time and ended the date. I wanted him to put his arms around me and invite me in but he didn't. I wanted him to let me make love to him but he didn't. I would have settled for him holding me all night, but he didn't want that either. He wanted to `keep things as simple as possible.'
I talked to Jack less because he was trying to focus on his new relationship and I didn't want to intrude. The few times I did talk to him, he tried to be supportive and convince me to put down the alcohol.
About three months later, I had turned to hard alcohol to quench my thirst and I was preparing to live with Jerry. We hadn't had sex yet and I can't lie and say the no sex part was easy, because I wanted to share that experience with Jerry, but I was okay with playing his game and letting him feel as if he was in control, and I figured that part would change when we lived together.
I laughed when Jerry first suggested I move in to his place because he was the main person saying we should take things slowly, and I thought us moving in together would be a major leap in the other direction. I didn't argue with him though because I welcomed the idea of having someone around and waiting for me when I got home, especially if that person was Jerry. Jack said Jerry probably wanted me to move in as a way of proving that I was committed to our relationship, but I didn't mind if it was nothing more than another hoop for me to jump through as long as Jerry was waiting for me at the end of the obstacle course.
I broke the news to Karen the day after we decided to move in together and her first words were, "You have to tell the kids."
"I can't tell the kids yet."
"If you and Jerry are going to start living together, I think you owe the children some honesty before they find out about it another way."
"Is that a threat? Are you going to tell them?"
"Daniel you know me better than that. I'm not going to tell them because they need to hear it from you, but I think you should tell them soon."
"I might, now drop it!"
"Have you been drinking?"
"No!"
"Yes you have! Why are you doing this to yourself? You're finally able to be with the person you love the most in the world and you want to mess it up by becoming a drunk!"
"That's not what's happening! I'm not a drunk!"
"I didn't say you were. I said you were becoming one. Every time I talk to you now you've had at least a few drinks and you don't seem to be slowing down. I don't understand why you won't let yourself be happy. Don't you think you deserve it?"
I didn't think I deserved it. I had hurt her so much and she wanted me to be happy. I was going to ruin the lives of our children when I told them who I really was and she wanted me to be happy. I was deciding to follow my heart in a direction away from her and she wanted me to be happy. "Why do you want me to be happy? I asked.
"Because you're a great guy and you're the father of my children and you're my best friend and I love you."
"But why? I don't deserve your kindness. You should hate me."
"How can I hate you when all you've done is make my life better? When we were married, you made me happy and after we divorced, you let me find love and move on and you didn't interfere. You wanted me to be happy so why shouldn't I want the same for you?"
"I wanted your happiness because I knew I broke your heart and I felt guilty, but you have no reason to want me to be happy. I don't deserve it."
"Yes you do, but I can't make you feel better about yourself. Either you want to be happy or you want to sulk the rest of your life, but I will tell you this: You have a great guy who only wants to make your life brighter and happier and more fulfilling so don't deny him the opportunity because I think he can save both of you."
"Save both of us?"
"He needs you as much as you need him. If I didn't believe that with all of my heart, I wouldn't have let you go."
I sighed. "I have to go."
"No you don't. Just talk to me Daniel."
"I don't feel like talking anymore."
"Fine! I'm calling Jerry and I'm going to tell him to go check on you."
"I don't need anyone to check on me."
"I was married to you for almost twenty years. I think I know what you need better than you do."
"Good, so you know all I need now is to be alone."
"If that's what you wanted, you wouldn't have called me."
"Well calling you was a mistake. Goodbye Karen." I hung up the phone and looked around my living room. She was right about the alcohol. I was drinking more and more and I couldn't seem to stop myself. I always kept drinking until I reached a point where I didn't care about the world anymore and I felt happy. I laughed at myself. Karen wanted me to be happy and I turned to alcohol for happiness, but she wanted me to let alcohol go, which would be turning my back on the very thing she wanted me to have. She was not able to understand the dynamics of my relationship with alcohol. When I had a rough day, it was alcohol that was waiting at home for me and nothing else. When Jerry couldn't come over or Jack and Karen didn't want to talk, it was okay because I knew I had something to depend on and that kept me going. Some days I would sit at work and spend my time counting down until I could go home and get a good drink.
I wasn't an alcoholic though and I wasn't going to become one either. I had control over it and it didn't have control over me. I only had one or two drinks when I went out with Jerry. Being with him made me forget about alcohol until I got home and found myself alone again. I think my loneliness was trying to kill me. At first I loved being able to do whatever I wanted, but I started missing little things like my children making noise around the house or the sound of my wife on the phone in the other room. I think I mostly missed the idea of having a family because the closer I got to Jerry, the more I realized that my days of having a traditional family were a thing of the past.
I poured myself some vodka with a little cranberry juice and downed it. Then I turned on the television and tried to find something to watch while I washed away my sorrows for the night with more glasses of vodka and cranberry juice. I was half asleep on the sofa about an hour later when my phone rang. I cleared my throat before I picked up the phone and said, "Hello."
"Push the button and let me up."
"Jerry, I don't feel like company tonight."
"I don't care what you feel like. Let me up, now."
"I don't want company."
"I don't care. Push the damn button and let me up."
I reluctantly buzzed him in and waited for him to knock. I opened the door and blocked the doorway. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to spend some time with you." He pushed me aside and walked in my apartment. He sat down on the sofa and looked at the empty bottle of vodka. "Did you drink all of that tonight?"
I sat down next to him feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to see me in my condition. "I was thirsty."
"Thirsty?"
"Yes, thirsty. I'm fine."
"So that shit tastes like water now?"
"No."
"Then why would you drink it because you were thirsty?"
I was irritated. "Why don't we sit here and try being silent?"
"Are you going to have another drink?" he asked.
"Are you going to be quiet?"
"I will if you don't have another drink."
"Okay." He was quiet for the next ten minutes while we watched the local news. I looked at him a few times but he focused his attention on the television and pretended as if I wasn't sitting with him. When the news went off, I had to say something because the silence was causing me to think too much and my thoughts running around in my head were hard to follow since the vodka had kicked in and was causing even my thoughts to be blurs. "Karen thinks I should tell the kids before you move in."
"You should. They deserve to know."
"Okay, let's not have this conversation, not while I'm like this."
"Like what?" he asked.
"Let's not play that game either. You know I'm talking out of my ass."
"Fine, no games. Why the hell are you doing this to yourself? I'm not going to move a drunk in to my house."
"Don't move me in then," I said simply.
"Say that when you're sober, and I won't."
I could feel my buzz slipping away. "Why are you here?"
"I'm here for you because you obviously need me."
"I don't need you, I want you. There's a difference."
He took a second to respond and then he said, "Maybe you were on to something with the silent thing."
"Maybe I was." He grabbed the remote and turned the volume up and then he was back to ignoring me. I tried to watch the show, but my eyes and my mind did not want to focus on anything. I was on the verge of being happy and Jerry had ruined it. I looked at the last little bit of vodka and decided that I wanted some more time alone with my friend. "You should have come earlier," I said. I was talking to the vodka, but Jerry thought I was talking to him.
"I would have if I had known what you were doing in here. How long has this been going on?"
"Nothing is going on."
He grabbed the almost empty bottle of vodka from the table and said, "Why are you looking at this bottle like you want another drink?"
"Because I do."
He poured the last few drops on the floor and said, "Now you don't have that option."
"Do you really think I don't have more of that?"
"I'm sure you do, but I won't let you get anything else because you've already had more than enough."
"I'm not moving any time soon."
"I hope not." He stood up and disappeared in to the kitchen to throw out the bottle. My brain was half working when he came back.
"You poured the vodka on the floor," I told him.
"Wow, you're quick." I knew he was making fun of me but I was beyond caring. He put his arm around me and pulled my head on to his shoulder. "We're going to get through this." He kissed me on my head and I kept myself from making any other comments. I relaxed against him and soon I was sniffling. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"I love you," I told him.
"And that makes you sad?"
"Yes."
He kissed me on my head again and stopped asking me questions. I wanted to explain what was bothering me, but I couldn't find the words or rather, I couldn't slow the words down and pull them from my head to articulate my feelings. We stayed up for a little while longer before he led me to my bedroom and spooned with me until I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and for a brief second I forgot who was in bed with me, then I remembered it was Jerry. I wanted to push back against him, but I was afraid I would chase him away. I coughed and his arms squeezed me tighter. "I was wondering when you would decide to wake up." He kissed the back of my neck. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay."
"Good."
"About last night"
"Ssh, don't say anything."
"But we need to talk."
"Let's do this one step at a time. Now the first step is to stay here and relax together."
"I do want to move in with you."
"I know." We spent a few hours in the bed falling asleep and waking up. It was the first night we had spent in the same bed and I regretted the circumstances which led to the night but I didn't regret waking up in his arms. I wanted to wake up in his arms every morning and I hoped that he felt the same way because I couldn't imagine anything better.
We finally got up and he fixed me breakfast and we talked about the best way to tell my children that I was gay and in love with Jerry. I didn't want to tell them, but by the end of breakfast, Jerry had me convinced that I had to tell them. I was not supposed to move in with Jerry for another month because I wanted to wait until my lease expired but he thought I should tell my children soon so they would have a few weeks to adjust to the idea. It was strange how he said the same things Karen had said, but I listened to him for some reason and I knew there was more to it than just a lack of alcohol in my system.
Jerry and I were trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our `sick day' when my cell phone rang. I saw that it was Karen.
"Yes I'm fine Karen."
"That's nice, have you seen Danny?"
Her lack of concern for me and the panic in her voice frightened me. "No, should I have seen him?"
"He didn't come home last night."
"Oh my God. Where do you think he is?"
"I don't know. We have to find him."
"Okay Honey, calm down. Jerry and I will go looking for him and you stay at home in case he calls."
"Jerry went to work with you?"
"No, we both took a sick day."
"Okay. Call me if you find him. I hope he's alright."
"Don't think like that. Of course he's fine."
"Please find him."
"We will." I hung up the phone. Jerry was looking at me with a worried expression on his face. "Danny is missing," I said.
"What! What happened?"
"I don't know all Karen told me was that he didn't come home last night."
"Let's put some clothes on so we can go find him. Do you have any ideas where he might have gone?"
I wanted to tell him that I knew nothing about my son besides the fact that he was mine, but I bit my tongue. "I don't know where he might have gone, but we have to find him or Karen will lose it." We rushed to my bedroom and put on some clothes. I was walking down the hallway when I noticed the door to my extra bedroom was closed. Call it a father's intuition or just curiosity, but something told me to open the door. I looked inside the room and saw Danny sleeping on top of the blanket. Two distinct feelings ran through me; the first was a feeling of relief, the second was wonder about why he would come to my place, neither was the feeling which took over. The emotion I unleashed on him was anger that he scared his mother. I went in and shook him. "What the hell is wrong with you? What are you doing here?"
His eyes barely opened and a raspy voice responded, "You give key use it."
I figured he was trying to say I gave him a key so he used it but he was too out of it to put the sentence together properly. "Why didn't you tell your mother you were here? Hell, why didn't you tell me?"
"You in bed Uncle Jerry saw it."
I shook him some more before Jerry grabbed me. "Can't you see the boy is hung over?"
I stopped shaking him for a second and smelled him and that was when I realized the alcohol smell wasn't coming from me.
Copyright Lustyville 2006 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out my yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville.