Two weeks later, I was still waiting for Jerry to call me. I had talked to Karen several times and she told me he probably needed some space to think about what he was going to do and figure out how he felt. I knew she was right, but not hearing from him didn't make it any easier. I had talked to him every other day when he was away, so I missed the sound of his voice, like a regular person would miss a piece of their heart. I had to call off sick from work for a few days because I couldn't pull myself out of the bed.
Karen sent the kids over to spend time with me last weekend. I took them out to the movies and we went to dinner. They didn't have much to say to me and I didn't have much to say to them either. They were supposed to spend the night, but I was in no condition to fight them, like I usually did, so when they asked me to take them home, I happily obliged. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and fears and I couldn't do that while I was playing the role of father. Karen made me sit and talk to her for a few minutes when I dropped off the children.
"Why are you dropping them off tonight?"
"They didn't want to stay with me and I don't really feel like company. It was good to see them for a little while, but I'm miserable enough by myself without having the two of them moping around the apartment."
She pulled me in to a hug. "He'll call Dan, I know he will."
"I know, but that doesn't make the wait any less painful." I released her and said, "I'll talk to you later."
She grabbed my hand, "You know you're not alone. You can call me whenever you need to talk to someone."
"Thanks," I told her, letting her hand drop from mine.
"Don't thank me Daniel, you know I love you and all I want is your happiness." I just smiled at her, wondering how anyone could love me so much. I walked away and got in to my car.
I was lucky to have someone like Karen in my life and I knew it. I made a mental note to do something special for her. Since that day, I called Karen whenever I felt the pang of depression, which was almost nightly.
I was in my living room watching the news when my cell phone rang. I looked at it and saw that it was Jerry. My heart started racing inside my chest. I opened the phone, "Hello."
"Hey Dan, buzz me up please."
"You're here?"
"Yes, now buzz me up." He wasn't forceful, but the urgency was evident in his voice. I got up and pushed the button to buzz him in. The knock on the door came much too soon. I opened my door and there he was, standing there looking at me. I couldn't read the expression on his face. I moved so he could walk in and he did. He went directly to my sofa and sat down. I closed the door and turned around to face him. I was 40 years old, but I felt like a scared child. He looked over at me. "You might want to take a seat because I have a lot to say." I walked over and sat down next to him.
"I just want to listen," I told him when he raised an eyebrow due to our close proximity. I hadn't meant to sit so close to him, but my body had a mind of its own.
"Please scoot over some because I can't say what I need to say with you sitting so close." I stood up and sat in the chair on the side of the sofa. I looked over at him. "Please don't look at me either because I can feel your eyes on me and its distracting."
"Sorry," I told him as my eyes looked at the floor.
"I love you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop loving you. I knew early on that you were the one for me, but you didn't know that, so I had to take a backseat to your life and cross my fingers that one day I could have a chance to be with you. After a while, I realized that it would never happen. I attempted to replace you with a string of guys, but none of them came close to you. Seeing the real thing every other day made it hard for me to shake you from my head. You were my best friend for so many years. I finally found a place in my life where I was at peace with the way things had worked out. I was able to pursue my writing and you had a wife and two beautiful children. You were happy, or so I thought. I remember one day I was over for a visit and Karen asked me to take a picture of you guys and while I was focusing the picture, I noticed the smile on your face, and Karen's and the children. You all looked so happy, like the perfect family, and as I pushed the button to take the picture, I realized that I would never fit in to your life. You already had everything you needed and everything you wanted and I was just your best friend. I saw in your smiles that I was destined to be alone, because even if something happened to Karen, you would still love her. I swear your eyes smiled when you looked at her, and seeing the two of you together was like ripping my heart out over and over again. That's why I stopped coming over a lot after Katie turned 4. I just couldn't deal with it. Your happiness killed me and I felt like a fraud because how could I be your best friend if I wasn't happy that you were happy? I hated Karen for so many years and it wasn't until you told me the truth two weeks ago, that I realized it wasn't her I hated." I could feel his eyes looking at me, but I didn't want to look over at him and distract him. "It was you I hated." That got my attention and I looked in his direction. Our eyes met and I searched his to find if he was speaking the truth, but I couldn't read them. "I hated you for choosing her, but I always acted as if it was okay. I blamed her, like she stole you from me or something, but you were never mine. How could she take something that didn't belong to me?" I watched a tear fall from his eye and he quickly turned his head away. He was silent for a few minutes and I didn't know what to think. I stood up and walked over to him, putting my arms around him and letting his tears wet my t-shirt. I held him tightly until I felt him mumble something in to my shirt.
"What was that?" I asked him.
He pulled away from me. "You were right."
"Right about what?"
"I never stopped loving you. I wasn't intentionally picking boyfriends who reminded me of you, but when I look back at the pictures, I see the similarities. I don't know, maybe I've always seen the similarities. Maybe that's why I was attracted to them." He wiped his face on my t-shirt and sat back on the sofa.
I couldn't bring myself to move from in front of him. "If it's any comfort, I never stopped loving you either." I gave a small chuckle.
He smiled up at me. "Always true to form," he said. I knew he was referring to my laughter, so I smiled back at him.
"I can't help it, I'm sorry. I know I should be serious."
"It's okay. You're scared."
I gave a nervous laugh, thinking of what he had told me the last time he was sitting on my sofa. He was right about me, I laughed when I was scared. I reached out and wiped away a little trace of tears left on his face. "You missed a spot," I told him.
He reached for my hand and kept it on his face. "Do you know how long I've waited for this moment?"
I didn't know what to do, but it seemed like the perfect kiss moment that you see in movies and on television, so I leaned forward and planted a kiss on his lips. He jumped up quickly, almost knocking me down in the process. I fell back and ended up sitting on the coffee table. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Didn't I do it right?"
"It was fine," he said. "I just, I think, I um, we should take this slow."
"It was just a kiss Jerry!"
"It was more than that and you know it!"
"Well what was it then?" I asked, confused about his meaning.
"It was you saying its okay for us to be together. It was you making the first move. It was you bringing me back to a place I've been running from since the night before your wedding. It was so much more than a kiss! It was loaded with memories of the past and wishes for the future and I don't want to make wishes anymore!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked him as a little laugh escaped my lips.
He looked down at me and a small smile crept across his face. "I don't know" he said.
"What?"
"I don't know what I'm talking about," he admitted. He sat back down on the sofa. I got up, gathered myself, and sat down next to him.
"So what do we do now?" I asked.
"Figure out what this means."
"It means you're my boyfriend, doesn't it?"
"I think we should try dating first," he said.
"All these years of wasted time and you want to date first?" I laughed again.
"We don't know each other."
"Yes we do. I know everything about you. I know your favorite color, your favorite dessert, your favorite drink. I know how you act when you're upset. I can sense a change in your mood like a smell in the air. Sometimes I can just look in your eyes and you don't have to say a word because I already know what you're going to say. After all this time knowing each other, how can you say such a thing?"
"You know me as your best friend, not your lover. You don't know how I like to kiss or when I'm feeling frisky. You don't know"
I stopped him. "I do know how you like to kiss, and I know when you're frisky because you get that twinkle in your eyes and you tend to lick your bottom lip more. I even know that you prefer to sleep on the left side of the bed. What more do I need to know?" He didn't reply and I could almost hear his brain thinking. The urge to kiss him again and prove how well I knew what he wanted, proved too much. I leaned over and surprised him with a kiss. This time, I stuck my tongue in his mouth and he welcomed it. We kissed for a few seconds and then I pulled back. "Now tell me you didn't like that."
"I didn't like that." He looked away from me. "What business do you have going around sticking your tongue in other people's mouths while they're trying to have an important conversation?"
"You didn't like it?"
"No," he said.
I moved my hand and grabbed his hard dick. "So I guess this isn't because of me." I smiled at him, but his entire demeanor changed. He looked angry. He slapped my hand away.
"What is wrong with you? You don't go around grabbing another man's crotch like you own it!" He stood up again. "This isn't you! You're not this forward, so stop pushing things and let nature take its course."
"Aren't I supposed to be the man in this relationship? Shouldn't I be trying to put the moves on you?" This time my nervous laughter was met with a scowl.
"I'm just as much a man as you are, Daniel! Maybe even more of a man than you! It didn't take me 16 years to tell you how I felt. I didn't hide behind a wife and two kids like you did!"
I didn't know he felt that way. I didn't know I had done anything wrong. In the movies I had watched, there was always someone who was the aggressor, and I saw myself as an aggressor. I guess Jerry didn't appreciate my attempt at affection, but his reaction was completely uncalled for. "You know I didn't mean anything by that comment. Why are you being such an ass? Why can't you just let us be happy?"
"Because you don't deserve for this to be easy! I waited 16 years! 16 goddamn years! And I will be damned if I jump in your arms and act as if everything is great. You didn't even respect me enough to tell me how you felt all these years! If Karen hadn't dumped you, you would still be married to her and trying to work yourself to death. I don't like knowing that Karen forced you to be with me. How is that supposed to make me feel?"
"Is that what you think? Karen didn't force me to be with you. She let me go because she knew I wanted to be with you. She knew that she had my ring, but you had my heart and she wanted to be with a man who could give her his heart, too. I love you. I may have been afraid to admit it before, hell the idea still scares me, but I want to build a life with you. And I know this doesn't make it better, but you should know that I wasn't confused for 16 years, I knew that night when you kissed me that I should have been with you." He didn't say anything. "You are more of a man than I'll ever be. I'm too afraid of what people think. Shit, I'm afraid of what my children will say when they find out, but I feel in my heart that everything will be okay as long as I know you love me."
"Don't say that, Daniel! I won't let you hide behind me either!"
c Lustyville 2006 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out my yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville.