Author's Notes: My apologies for taking so long with this chapter. I have no excuse cept for it's my nature as a "Slacker". Thanks to all the people who have written telling me to get off my lazy ass and get writing...you are my inspiration. I know... coughbullshitcough. But I love ya anyways.
Disclaimer: This is all fiction....fiction I tell ya.
Send any comments to: k_magic@prodigy.net
--------------------------- Beyond What Is - Chapter 15 ---------------------------
As we reached the steps, Jay stopped with his foot right above the first step. Lance rubbed his back and Jay looked back at us.
"I can't do this..."
"Jay...move your ass...now."
"Kyle, I can't."
"Why?"
"What if....what if he doesn't like me."
"What the fuck are you talking about...He's your father Jay...you didn't see his face last night...I did and believe me, you could look like Britney Spears and he wouldn't care."
"I just...."
"Jay you have exactly 3 seconds to move your ass or else."
"Kyle...I can't...I just can't." He said looking at me and then back at the door that lead to his father.
I grabbed Lance's arm and pulled him away from Jay. As Lance fell into place next to me, my foot went up and kicked Jay right in the ass. He went flying forward landing on the steps infront of him, catching himself before his face hit the deck.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?"
"I told you to move your ass or else...now get up and start walking."
"You are such an asshole Kyle."
"And I love you too...Now fucking get up and walk up those steps and meet your father."
Jay got up with the help of Lance and took a deep breath and started walking up the steps.
"I can't believe you let him kick me in the ass...some boyfriend you are."
"Hey, if he didn't do it, I would have."
"You guys suck so bad."
"That isn't what you were saying this morning." Lance said with this stupid grin on his face.
As we reached the top of the steps, the door opened and Sylvia walked out. Jay looked up at her and she smiled at him.
"How are you this morning Jason?"
"I'm good."
As he said this he looked up into her eyes and then ran the few steps in-between them and pulled her into a hug. The sound of him sobbing and the sight of Sylvia stroking the back of his head filled my heart. JC wrapped his arms around my waist and put his chin on my shoulders as I reached out and took Lance hand in mine and squeezed it. He looked back at me and with tears falling down his cheeks, he smiled at me.
They finally broke the hug and just stood their holding hands looking into each other's eyes. Sylvia placed her hand on Jay's cheek and smiled at him.
"I've missed you more that you'll ever know...My sweet sweet baby."
Jay looked up and closed his eyes. Tears were streaking down his cheeks as Sylvia lean up and kissed him on the cheek. A movement caught my eye and I looked towards the door. Jared was standing in the door way with Lee standing behind him in the same positions Josh was with me.
"Come in and meet your father."
She slipped her arm around his waist and patted his side. He opened his eyes and wiped the tears off his face. He put his arm around Sylvia and they turned around. Jay stopped dead in his tracks as he came face to face with Jared.
A few seconds of silence and of Jay and Jared staring at each other was broken by Jared.
"Hello Jason."
Jay stood there staring at him. His hand went up and wiped the tears out of his eyes, but they kept flowing out. The two of them stood there looking at each other in silence. They looked so much like each other, more like brothers than parent-child.
"Well damn, this is going to take all day. I didn't slave over the stove this morning to have my breakfast ruined by these two. If you guys are hungry, the food is on the table. Come on in."
Sylvia let go a Jay and walked passed Jared and Lee through the door, motioning us to follow. Still father and son stood staring at each other. Lee walked out from behind Jared and over to where the three of us were standing.
"Good morning Kyle."
He said as he drew me into a hug.
"Morning Lee, I would like you to meet Josh and this blonde guy is Lance...Jay's boyfriend."
"It's nice to meet you both." He said shaking both their hands and looking at them with a strange look on his face.
"What wrong Lee?" I asked as he continued to look back and forth between Josh and Lance.
"You're kidding me right...both of you...I mean I can see Lance... but JC too."
"Hey, what do you mean by that?" Lance said with a hurt look on his face.
"Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like that...I just meant that, well, I had a feeling about you, but I figured JC for being straight.
"I take it you know who we are." Josh said with a smirk on his face.
"Well yeah, Lee dragged me to your concert a while back." Jared voice came from behind Lee, surprising us all.
"Really...what city?" Lance asked as he walked over to Jay and wrapped his arms around Jay's waist. Jay was still looking at the spot that Jared had just left as he moved slightly towards us.
"Las Vegas, that's where we live."
"Cool, now if you will excuse us for a sec." Lance said and he took Jay by the shoulders and led him off the deck and down onto the beach. We watched in silence and Lance led him down near the water and they sat down facing each other.
"I guess that didn't go as good as I wanted it to."
"Give him a chance Jared. Put yourself in his shoes. I saw the pictures in your mother's house. You grew up in a complete and loving household. Jay didn't...There was someone missing in his life. And now after all these years, and a few days after the most important person in his life died, that person shows up. Just imagine how you would react if the one person in this world that should have been there though out your life is standing infront of you saying Hello."
"I'm sorry....I...."
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing too...I think that maybe you should take your ass down there and start your introduction to your son over again."
Jared looked at me and then turned to Lee.
"Hey...don't look at me...I agree with Kyle."
He looked at me and then out to where Jay and Lance were sitting and then started down the steps.
"Good luck Hun....Come on guys, lets get inside and grab some grub before Sylvia starts trippin' on us."
As we entered the house, I turned to close the door. Jared had reached Jay and Lance and was standing there with his hands in his pockets. I could see his lips moving, but they were too far away to be heard. I stood and watched as Jay stood up and grabbed him into a hug. As they stood there hugging, tears started flowing out of my eyes. I don't think I could ever express in word how I felt at that moment. Happy does not even come close to how I felt for Jay right then.
I felt an arm slip over my shoulder and down my chest, and then pull me back until I was against a body.
"Sweet" Josh whispered in my ear.
I nodded and turned around until we were face to face. He leaned forward and our lips met for a quick kiss. As our lips parted, his hand went to the back of my neck and he pulled my head forward until our forehead were up against each other. I focused my eyes and my gaze was met with his and I was lost again. How could this person have such an affect on me. How did I let him get so deep into my heart. A dull pounding started in my head, beginning at the spot of the bump from earlier this morning.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing Josh, just a headache."
He ran his hand through my hair and as his hand hit the bump, he facial features changed.
"God Kyle, what happened?"
"It's just a bump, I kinda hit my head against something. It's nothing."
He bend my head down and kisses it where the bump was.
"Oh now that made it feel a whole lot better."
"Shut up...I was being nice...asshole." He grinned at me with that smile that made my heart fall to the pit of my stomach.
No one had ever made me feel the way that Josh made me feel. It was like I was complete for the first time in my life.
"I love you Josh." Came out of my mouth without it even registering in my brain first. I could feel my face turn completely red as I looked down at my feet.
"I love you too." He said as he pulled me up to him and lifted my chin with his finger. He lean over and kissed me.
The pounding in my head and a nagging feeling of what was to happen during our pending conversation, brought my lips to a halt. He backed away from me and he had a look on his face as if he was saying "What?" without speaking.
"Come on guys, breakfast is getting cold." Came a yell from the kitchen.
"Later...K?"
He nodded, but it did nothing to put a happier look on his face. He turned and walked toward the kitchen with me following right behind him.
When we reached the kitchen, Sylvia was placing the last of the food on the table and Lee was looking out the window at the scene out on the beach.
"Grab a seat guys and dig in...Come on Lee. Come eat. Don't worry about them, they will be in soon enough."
As we sat down, Lee turned and walked towards the table wiping his tear filled eyes. Sylvia was pouring orange juice and we started to fill our plates with the spread Sylvia had cooked up.
"Sylvia, you shouldn't have gone through all this trouble...you must have been up since dawn."
"You don't worry about me...this is the first time I've got to cook for my grandson. I would have flown to France if he wanted french toast."
"You should have woke me Sylvia, I would have helped you."
"No, it's fine Lee. I know you were up half the night with Jared. Now start eating or I will start laying the guilt on ya."
We all smiled and started eating as Sylvia sat down and served herself some food.
"How are you doing this morning Kyle, it looks like a night's sleep did you good."
"I'm good Lee, thanks for asking."
"If you don't mind me asking, where did you two meet?" Lee said, looking back and forth between me and Josh.
"Basically we met through Jay. Kyle came to see Jay after our show in Oakland. But I saw him out in the audience at the Oakland concert and I knew at that moment that he was the person I was meant to be with."
He had taken my hand into his and looked at me while he was saying this. I couldn't look into his eyes, I was frozen. My heart was beating fast and the pounding in my head felt like someone was hitting each of my temples with their fist.
"That is awesome, I mean to be able to see a person and immediately know that is the one for you...It's funny how fate works.
My hand never responded to his and I felt him let go of my hand. The sound of the door opening interrupted the silence. We looked up and Lance walked in the door and closed it behind him.
"I was sent in here to get something to eat. They wanted to be alone."
"Come one hunny, sit down right here." Sylvia said as she poured another glass of orange juice and set it down where Lance was sitting down.
"How are thing going out there?"
"It's going good Josh. Once they got passed the awkwardness of the situation. Jared told us everything that happened in the past and asked for Jay's forgiveness. Jay told him that there was nothing for him to forgive, that the past is the past and that it was time for them to move on."
"Jay sounds like a smart guy."
We all nodded at Lee's comment as Lance started to serve himself some food.
"Wow...I wish we could get this kind of food on the road." Lance said as he sat down.
"Yeah, I know...Hey Sylvia, do you want to come on the road with us?"
"What are you talking about Josh...you can't even wake up in time for breakfast most days."
"Shut up Lance."
"It must be hard for you boys out on the road."
"Yeah it is Sylvia...I miss my family and friends, home cooking, being able just to sit infront of the tv and most of all I miss Jay...That is the hardest to deal with day in and day out."
The room started to spin and the conversation was fading. All I could hear was the pounding in my head.
"How do you handle that Lance? I can not imagine being separated from Jared like that."
"I just take it one day...."
I was staring down at my plate, but not seeing anything...I was sitting there with talk going on all around me, but I couldn't hear a word of it. I felt something on my shoulder, I turned to the left and Josh had his hand on my shoulder. He had a concerned look on his face and his mouth was moving....I blinked my eyes really hard, opened them and....
"...Kyle...are you ok....Kyle...answer me...."
Everyone had stopped talking and all their eyes were on me.
"If you'll excuse me, I'm not feeling all that great right now."
I got up and walked out of the kitchen. I could hear Josh and Lance calling out my name, but I kept walking. I opened the door and ran. As I jumped off the deck, I nearly bowled Jay and Jared over, but kept running. I could hear Jay yelling out my name, but ignored him. I could hear Josh and Lance calling my name as they ran out of the door. I made it back to the house and went in and walked into the family room. I put my palms up to my temples, closed my eyes and started pacing back and forth. I couldn't think...all I could hear was a thousand voices screaming in my head. I felt like I was in pain, but there was no pain. Then there was silence and my body came to stop.
I opened my eyes only to find myself staring straight into Josh's eyes. Those eyes that pierced into my soul...those eyes that I was forever lost in...those eyes connected to Josh. I fell to my knees, never breaking eye contact. Josh fell to his knees infront of me and grabbed hold of my shoulders.
"Kyle?" He said breaking the silence. He face was contorted and he had a look of confusion and pain on his face.
"I'm....I'm sorry Josh...I..."
"Kyle...what is going on...tell me the truth god damn it...NOW."
His fingers were digging into my shoulders and he was shaking me.
"Josh...Please let go and stop shaking me, then I will talk."
"Sorry...It's just that you scared me Kyle...You kinda freaked there for a second. I'm worried about you."
"There is nothing to worry about Josh. I'm fine."
"Then what going on Kyle?"
"It's just...I'm not strong Josh...I'm not Jay...I can't do it."
"What are you talking about?"
"This...you and I...It won't work Josh...I love you too much to let this go any farther."
"You're kidding right...you can't be serious."
"I'm dead serious Josh. I am not strong enough to be in a relationship with me in San Jose and you travelling the world. There is too much going against us and I can't handle it."
"Then come with me...I can..."
"Don't even finish that sentence Josh. Do you know how that would make me feel. I have a life...a job...family...and they are all in San Jose, not on a tour bus hanging onto your coat tails."
"I'm sorry Kyle...I didn't mean it like that. So what you're saying is that we...you and I are through."
I nodded.
"I'm sorry Josh. You don't know how much this is tearing me up inside."
"You can't be serious Kyle...You can't be...I mean I'm scared too, but I'm willing to make a go of it...Can't we just give it a try Kyle... please...just to see."
"Josh...I'm already too much in love with you as it is...I don't think I could handle falling deeper in love with you and then finding out it won't work. I told you...I'm not strong."
"Are you sure you just aren't scared."
"And what do you mean by that?"
"Scared...to admit that you are in love with me."
"Josh...I admit that I love you...I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life."
"I don't mean it like that...I mean to your family..to your friends... Scared to live your life as a gay man."
"I admit it...I'm scared as hell where all those are concerned. But those are things that I will handle when the time comes. What I can't handle is having my heart attached to you and you not being there. Not being there in my arms at night. Not being there to look at, to stare into your eyes during dinner. Not being there to talk to...to hear about how your day went. Not being there for me to yell at...to fight with...to make up with. Not being there period."
"Then I'll quit. We've laid down enough tracks for the album. After it's release, I will quit...Hell I'll quit right now."
"Fuck...are you kidding me. Josh...I would never ask you to do that."
"You're not asking. It's my decision...and I quit."
"Oh no the fuck you won't. There is no way that I would let you leave the one thing in this life that makes you happy. And if you ever loved me at all, you will never say something like that again."
"Then what...What can I do to show you that we are worth all the shit that we will have to endure to be together. Tell me Kyle and I will do it."
"I know you would...but I've made up my mind Josh."
"Just like that...You come into my life and steal my heart, then when things get tough, you rip it out and stomp all over it."
I reached up with my hand and place it on his cheek.
"I'm sorry Josh...Just know that I love you...I love you more than any thing in this world."
I leaned over and our lips met. The feeling that I felt the first time we kissed came back to me. I felt my resolve fading. His hand came up and started to run through my hair. I wanted him in my life more than anything. I would have taken back every word I had just said if I could only stay in his arms. I could see everything fading in the distance, like driving into a tunnel and looking backwards. All that I knew to be true was fading like a dot of white light as I moved into the darkness. Then in a flash, it all came back to me. My hand went up to the back his head and I broke the kiss. I pulled his head forward so that our foreheads were touching.
"I'm sorry Josh."
I got up and walked out of the house, not looking back. I started to walk down the beach. My pace grew faster and faster until I was running. On Sylvia's deck, Jay, Lance, Jared and Lee were standing there and Jay was calling my name and started to run after me. I kept running, but I was not match for Jay. Eventually, he caught up to me and tackled me. I went flying down, landing face first into the sand.
"Track four years remember." He said breathing hard as he sat up
"And they call me the asshole." I said as I sat up next to him and looked out to the ocean
"Mind telling me what the fucks going on in that small little mind of yours. As if I don't have enough shit to deal with today."
"I'm all talked out Jay."
"And you think that is going to keep me from making you talk."
"It's over...me and Josh."
"Why?"
"Because."
His hand hit me on the back of the head.
"Ouch...fuckin you better stop with the physical crap or else pansy boy."
The next thing I knew, he had taken his finger and flicked my earlobe. It wouldn't have been so painful except for the fact that it was freezing cold from the weather and me running. Before he could lower his hand, I grabbed it and was on top of him pounding his shoulder with my fist. I got in about 5 punches, before he grabbed my wrist had me on my back. He climbed ontop of me and pinned my arms down.
"That was pretty weak fruitcake...now start talking."
I smiled up at him and brought my legs up over his head and threw him off me. I was ontop of him with his arm twisted behind his back.
"Twenty-three years of Shell as my sister...remember."
"Ok...ok you win."
I let go of his arm and got off of him. I moved back to were I was sitting and went back to looking out at the ocean. He sat up next to me and we sat there in silence.
"Why does life have to suck so much...Why?...I finally meet the one person that I could spend the rest of my life with and be happy with and it can't be."
"It can be Kyle...you just won't let it...You just won't let yourself be happy."
"Everything comes so easy for you Jay. It doesn't work that way for the rest of the world."
"Easy? What the fuck does that mean. You think I don't have to work my ass off for everything that I have. Well sorry to burst your bubble, but I do. I've worked damn hard to get what I have. Lance and I have gone through hell and we still have a lot to go through before we get to the point of pure happiness that you envision and expect instantly in your relationship. You know, people just don't meet, fall in love and live happily ever after. You have to work hard at it...put your blood, sweat and tears into it...throw your heart out and hope for the best...just for the hopes of an illusion of happiness. Damn Kyle, grow up."
"That isn't what I meant...I mean...Hell, I don't know what I'm talking about. All I know is that I love him with all my heart and with that love, I've gotta let him go....It's for the best."
I stood up and started to walk away from Jay and farther away from all that I wanted so much in life.
"You are so fuckin stubborn Kyle." Jay yelled from behind me.
I just kept walking and he let me go. I don't know how long I walked, but some time later, I found myself sitting on this rock formation that lead out some into the ocean. I was sitting on the very end part that was about 30 feet above the pounding of the waves. There I sat for I don't know how long. Looking back towards the house, there was nothing. It was too far away to be seen.
The sun was starting to dip into the horizon and all I could picture is Josh getting on that airplane in LA and leaving my life forever. I buried my face in my hands and started to cry. All my tears had abandoned me all day up until that point, but now they were flowing. All of a sudden there was a hand on my shoulder and someone pulling me into a hug. I leaned against a shoulder and kept crying.