Author Notes:
Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me Is there anyone at home?
Disclaimer: I'mmmmm Back!!!! This story is complete fiction and should be taken in that context. It is not meant to imply anything of anyone mentioned in this story. If the depiction of male- male relationships offend you, please leave now. If not.... Enjoy!
Please send any comment to me at: k_magic@prodigy.net
--------------------------------- BEYOND WHAT IS - CHAPTER THIRTEEN ---------------------------------
Standing above me was Sylvia clinging to her robe.
"Come inside...Kyle, is it...it's too cold out here."
I shook my head and looked back out to the ocean.
"I'm not leaving until you come with me, so if you want to be responsible to the death of this nice old lady, you better get your ass up and come into the house."
I didn't move but the next thing I knew, she had grabbed hold of my ear lobe and was pulling harder than I would ever think a lady could pull.
"I'm too cold to put up with this shit, now get your ass up and move."
I started to get up, helped along with a hand pulling at my ear. Once I was standing she let go and stood there pointing her finger to her house. I started walking towards it, followed by her. After a few minutes I stepped into the house and she closed the door behind us. The warmth of the house hit me as she pointed toward the living room.
"Go warm yourself by the fire, I'll be right back with something warm to drink."
I walked into the room and the fogginess from my head lifted. I looked around the room and admired it's charm as I walked towards the fireplace. I stood in front of the fire warming my hands. The pictures on the mantel caught my eye. There was one of a younger Sylvia and her husband with three boys and another with just the boys. I stared at the one with the boys and one of them caught my eye. The youngest boy in the picture looked familiar to me. My mind shot back to the day I met Jay. The young boy in the picture looked just like Jay did at 9 years old.
A picture of two men standing together as if they were slow dancing, caught my eye. Their smiling faces were looking at the camera and they looked very happy. They where probably in their forties and were a very handsome couple. The one on the left was blonde and had greenish eyes while the other had brown hair and also had green eyes. The brown haired one looked like an older version of Jay.
My eyes left that picture and I scanned down the mantel at all the other pictures. At the end, there was a picture of two boy arm and arm. I walked down and picked it up. I stood there staring at a picture I had seen hundreds of times. A picture that had adorned the living room table at Jay's house since we were young. A picture that was taken of Jay and myself the first summer after we had met. A picture that Jane had taken of us standing in their backyard after a day of swimming. A picture that no way should have been in Sylvia's house. My mind was again racing. How could a picture of Jay and me be in a strangers house.
"Ok Kyle, here's some tea, I hope you like jasmine tea."
As Sylvia spoke, the picture fell out of my hand, falling to the ground. She put the tea cups she was carrying down on the table and walked over to me. She bend down and picked the picture up as I stood there looking at her. She looked at the picture, stroked the frame and smiled at it.
"Who are you?" I asked, my voice finally coming to me.
She placed the picture back onto the mantel and motioned me to sit down. I walked to the couch, my eyes never leaving her. She walked over to the table and picked up one the of tea cups and handed it to me. I took it and she picked up the other and walked over to the chair directly across from me and sat down. She took a sip of her tea and as the cup left her mouth she looked up at me.
"I take it you know the boy in that picture."
"Of course I do, I know both of them. The one in the blue shorts is me and the other is Jay. Now do you mind explaining to me why you have that picture."
I was staring at her and her eyes caught mine. There was something familiar about her eyes. She had Jay's eyes, Jay's green shimmering eyes. Jane's eyes were nothing like Jay's. She had light brown eyes.
"It's a long story Kyle...a very old and long story. But it was a gift...a cherished gift from Jane."
"The man in the picture...the one holding the other man...that's your son right...the gay one."
"Correct."
"And he's..."
Before I could finish, the front door flew open.
"Mama...is he there yet...have you seen him."
I turned around and walking fast into the room was the man from the picture, followed closely by the other man from the picture.
"Mama...."
His voice trailed off as he saw me sitting there.
"Oh, I'm sorry...."
"It's ok Jared...I'd like you to meet Kyle, he and some friends are staying in the Martin's house."
I stood up and walked over to him. I held out my hand and he took it and shook it.
"I'm very glad to meet you Kyle."
"It's my pleasure." I said as I looked him directly in the eyes. They were carbon copies of both Jay's and Sylvia's eyes.
I held on to his hand as I continued to stare into his green eyes. He stopped shaking hands and tried to pull his away, but I kept my grip on it. He got a strange look on his face. The same one Jay got when he was annoyed. He looked so much like Jay. Everything about him screamed Jay.
"Um Kyle...My hand."
"I thought you were dead."
"I'm sorry."
I let go of his hand, but continued to stare at him.
"I was told you were dead. Jay told me you died when he was one."
"I...I...." He stammered as he looked back and forth between me and Slyvia.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Slyvia shrug her shoulder.
"You're his father...right. I mean, I'm not making a total fool out of myself am I."
The other man walked up behind Jared and put his arms around his waist and put his chin on Jared shoulder. It was the other man from the picture.
"Tell him Jared."
I looked back and forth between the two. The other man held out his hand to me. Jared had tears in his eyes and he looked lost. His body was shaking slightly.
"By the way, I'm Lee."
I took his and shook it.
"It's nice to meet you Lee."
"Likewise Kyle, now why don't you sit back down and we'll join you in a second to explain everything to you."
He pulled Jared out of the room and down the hall. I sat back down on the couch and looked at Slyvia. She held up her tea cup.
"Bitch of a night eh Kyle." She said as she smiled and took a sip of her tea.
I ran my hands through my hair and leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes. Before a thought could enter my head, I felt someone sit down on the couch next to me and a hand pat me on the knee. I opened my eyes and Lee was sitting next to me.
"I'm sorry Kyle, Jared will be out in a sec, he needed to compose himself a little."
As he finished, Jared walked into the room and Lee got up and smiled at him. Jared sat down where Lee had gotten up and leaned back looking up at the ceiling. Lee went to the kitchen and returned with two cups of tea, placing one down on the table next to Jared. There was silence in the room until Lee sat down next to him.
"To answer your question Kyle, yes I am Jason's father."
"And?"
"And what?"
"AND?...And where the fuck have you been all these years...AND... Why the hell does Jay think you're dead....AND...What are you doing here now."
"Kyle, look at us...can't you figure it out?"
"Yes, Lee...I think I have a picture of what happened...Sylvia living next to the Martin's beach house...a gay guy that is about the right age to have a son Jay's age...That happens to look exactly like Jay... It's not all that hard to figure out what happened...but I just have one question...Why...Why couldn't you just pick up the phone...write a letter...damn, he's your son, gay or not."
"Times were different back then Kyle, you've got to understand that. I had to break all contact with him. They gave me no right at all, none. After all, I was just a dirty faggot who would probably molest my own son. I also hurt Jane too much Kyle...She wouldn't let me any where near him. She took off and I had no clue they went...no clue. What could I have done...She hated me and she had a right too..but I just couldn't deny who I was and who I loved."
Lee took Jared's hand into his and smile at him.
"I'm not going to judge you Jared, I have no right. But Jay is my best friend...my brother and I will not let anything hurt him. If you decide to get involved in his life now, you better be here for the long haul. If you come into his life and then take off, I will hunt you down and kill you. I swear this."
"Kyle, if he will have me in his life...I will be there for him until I breathe my last breath."
"That's good to hear. So how do you plan on breaking this all to him?"
"I have no clue...any advice?"
I had none. After a moment of silence, Sylvia spoke up.
"Kyle, why don't you bring Jason, Lance and Josh over here for breakfast tomorrow morning. I will cook up a huge spread and we'll see how things go."
"You know I'm not going to be able to keep this from him. He can read me like a book and this is just to big. What am I going to say to him...Gee Jay, guess who I ran into tonight...no, but close...it your long dead father...Yep, just ran into him and his boyfriend at your, oh by the way you have a grandmother's house."
"Ummm Kyle, Lee is my husband. He is the reason that I've been able to forget the pain of losing my life all these years. He has stuck by me for 23 year, though everything. He has made my life complete and I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him."
He turned towards Lee and smiled as Lee's hand came up to his face and stroked Jared's cheek with the back of his index finger.
"So Lee was the one...the one you drew you away from your family... away from Jay?"
"Yes Kyle, he is...and I would not go back and change anything. I may have lost everything in my life, but I've had a full and complete life with Lee."
"It doesn't matter that Jay grew up without a father, that Jane had to raise him all alone. Come on, you know damn well that their lives could have been better if you had been there for them."
"So you're telling me that Jason turned out to be the a complete loser, that he has no future, that his life is so fucked up that time should stop and go back 22 years and start over. Give me a break Kyle, I know Jane did a great job and I'm sure Jason grew up to be a better person that I could ever have helped raise."
"No, but that isn't the point. He could have used you in his life. You could have helped him through a lot of tough times."
"I'm sure with his mother and you in his life, he made it through all those times just fine. I would have just made life miserable for him. I wouldn't have been able to be myself and who knows how I would have handled it. I was and always will be in love with Lee and I wouldn't have been able to live without him in my life. I hope that you can find someone to share your life with, just like I found Lee. Every person deserves that in life. That's all I wish for Jason too."
"I wouldn't worry about that Jared. Jason has a person in his life that completes him."
"And he's cute too."
"What did you say Mama?"
"I said he's cute too...so is the one in Kyle's life."
"He's gay?"
"Yes Jared, your son is gay. I told you there was some stuff in his life that you could have helped him with."
"Wow...I don't know what to say about that."
"It will just give you one more thing to talk about tomorrow. Now if you will excuse me, I need to head off to bed."
Sylvia got up and walked over to us. She bent down and kissed both Jared and Lee. She looked at me and winked.
"I will see you tomorrow. And Kyle, it seems to me that you could use some advice from people who have experienced life. You have that chance sitting next to you. Give it a try ok."
She smiled at me and then walked out of the room.
I kinda hung my head down and looked at the ground. Lee got up and picked up the empty cups and took them back into the kitchen.
"Did you want to talk about anything Kyle?"
"Not particularly Jared."
"Ok, but just so you know...if you need to, Lee and I would be glad to offer any advice we can to you."
"Thanks" I said as I got up and started to walk towards the door. As I neared the door, Lee walked out of the kitchen.
"Do you need to borrow a jacket or something, it's pretty cold out there."
"Nah, I'm good."
"Come on Jared, let's walk him home."
"No, I'll be fine."
"No we insist." Jared said getting up from the couch and walking over to us.
"No use arguing with him Kyle, he always gets his way...or so he thinks."
"Ah, like father like son." I smiled just thinking of the fact that I could even say that now about Jay.
I walked out the door followed by both Jared and Lee. Lee was right, it was cold outside. A lot colder than it had been earlier. We walked a little bit in silence. I don't know what made me talk, but I did.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Anything Kyle."
"How did you know that Lee was the one...the one that you were meant to be with. The one that would stick by you and love you to the point that you could give up on your family?"
"I didn't."
"What do you mean you didn't."
"Just that, I didn't know that he would turn out to be my life partner. I knew I loved him and after the mess with Jane, he was still there standing beside me...pushing me...pulling me...comforting me...kicking me in the ass...I knew at least he was worth holding on too. But you can never know these things Kyle. You just got to trust yourself and the other person and take things as they come."
"I'm just so confused right now...I've have always been able map out my life and know exactly where it was going. Then out of the blue, I meet this guy and boom, my life is no more."
"Do you love him Kyle?"
"I guess that is the million dollar question. It seems that everything comes down to that question. My heart tells me I love him...every fiber in my being tells me I love him except this fucked up little thing in my head that thinks way too much."
I stopped walking and dropped to my knees as tears started to flow out of my eyes.
"I just can't get it out of my head that we can not survive for the long haul. I need that...I need to know that we can survive like you two before I let my heart free to love him completely."
"There are no guarantees...You just have to close your eyes and step off the cliff so to say...to take a leap of faith. To be able to believe that there is a future together and work towards it. It's not easy, it's a lot of hard work and sacrifice...but it's worth it Kyle."
Lee dropped to his knees next to me and took my hand into his. He hadn't said a word since we left the house.
"Kyle, I don't know the story behind you and your boyfriend so I can't say anything to you about your situation. But know this, look at the world...it's huge and filled with people. Your chances in finding the one person you are meant to be with is pretty slim. Who says you can't live a happy and full life with a person that you were not meant to be with. If you love a person and they love you back, throw all the other crap out the window and be happy. Just the fact that you are talking this problem out shows what a special person you are...if the guy in your life right now loves you and want to be with you...take it and run. You deserve happiness in your life. Don't let that head of yours ruin it for you. It's not the one that will be there for you through thick and thin to hold you and tell you everything will be alright. Trust your heart and all will work out for the best."
Jared kneeled down behind Lee and wrapped his arms around him.
"See Kyle...He was worth keeping around. And if I had listened to all the voices in my head that kept telling me to hide who I was and stay with Jane...well I would have had a family and who knows how my misery would have screwed up all our lives. I trusted my heart and everything worked out for the best. Jane raised Jason in a happy and healthy home. He grew up to be a fine person. Things could have been better, but like I said I would have been miserable and probably took the family down with me."
Lee stood up and Jared followed suit.
"Come on Kyle, let's get you back to the house, it's too cold out here."
Lee held out his hand and I took it and got up.
"Get some sleep. Things will be clearer in the morning, especially after a healthy serving of Sylvia's cooking."
We walked the short distance to the deck in silence.
"Thank you for everything you two said tonight...I guess I just need to think things through a little more."
"It's not a problem." Lee said wrapping his arms around me in a hug.
"Try not to think too much. Thinking people tend to be a lot lonelier."
He released me and smiled at me. Jared stepped forward and hugged me too.
"Don't worry too much about this Kyle. Things have a way of working out for the best. Just believe in yourself and in your boyfriend and just be happy...Ok."
"Thanks."
"We will see you guy tomorrow at 9 am Ok."
"Ok Lee...gesh, I just don't know what I'm going to say to Jay tomorrow morning."
"Do what you think is best Kyle, I trust you. And if you do tell him and he doesn't want to see me...I'm fine with that and I understand. I will not push him into anything. I will always be here for him and waiting until he can have me in his life."
"Don't worry about that...If he doesn't want you in his life, you can be in mine and then he will have to accept you."
"Thanks Kyle...and Goodnight."
"Good night Kyle"
"Good night."
The turned and started to walk back to Sylvia's house. I walked around the front of the house and went to my car. I got my CD player out of the glove-box and walked back around the house to the back door. In the distance I could see Jared and Lee standing in each other's arms looking out into the ocean. What I wouldn't give to be able to do the same when I am there age.
I stood there watching them for a few seconds longer. My mind was full of crap and I couldn't think straight. I slipped into the house and it was dark except for one light in the family room. I walked in and grabbed my CD case and took out a CD and popped it into my player.
I forwarded it to the one song that helped me think things through when my mind was fucked up. I laid down on the floor. I hit the play button and the repeat button and closed my eyes as the music stared and my mind focussed on the word of the song.
Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
O.K.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
The song played through twice and tears were flowing freely out of my eyes. The song never started the third time. I opened my eyes and Jay was sitting next to me. He reached over and pulled the head phones off my head.
"Numb yet?"
I sat up and immediately wrapped my arms around his waist into a hug. He was stroking my head as I laid in his arms crying.
"What is going on in that head of yours Kyle? You know, I could be laying in a nice warm bed with the man that I love instead of sitting out here with an asshole that tried to drown me in the ocean and now with tears."
I punched him in the stomach and released him and sat up. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked at him. He had this big grin on his face.
"Did you have a nice walk? You've been gone for quite a while."
I nodded.
"You know, Josh came back here in tears earlier. It took Lance and I almost an hour to calm him down and get him to sleep. Mind telling me what happened out there."
"It's something I have to work out by myself Jay."
"You know that isn't going to fly with me Kyle."
"It's going to have too."
"Grrrr...I do not even know how we've stayed friend for this long...It really pisses me off when you do that."
"Nope, still not going to work...You can't play guilt that well Jay."
"Shut up...Asshole."
"Yeah right....Missy."
Jay's hand hit me in the back of the head.
"Owe...what was that for."
"I told you not to call me that anymore...damn I had hoped you had forgotten it."
"Nope, it's my fav."
"I swear...you are such an asshole."
I smiled back at him.
"Really Kyle...are you ok?"
"I'll be fine Jay...don't worry."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Nope."
"Are you and Josh going to be ok?"
"That's yet to be seen."
"Kyle...there is something else isn't there...you're hiding something from me."
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"Kyle...I may not be able to read you like a book, but I can tell there is something you are hiding from me. What is it?"
"Ummm Well...."
"Kyle....talk....NOW."
I couldn't decide if I should tell him or not. But if I told him now, we would be up all night talking and his decision wouldn't be rational. In the morning I would tell him.
"Jay, it's nothing...I just kinda ran into Sylvia and she invited me into her house. Her son and his husband was over and she invited us all over for breakfast tomorrow morning. They're such nice people. I thought it would be ok, so I said yes. We have to be there at 9am...Ok."
"Ok...sounds good...Is there anything else you want to tell me?"
"Nope."
I got up and held out my hand and helped him get up.
"Let's go to bed. 9 am will be here soon enough."
I turned off the light and we walked down the hall to the rooms.
"Good night Asshole."
"Good night Missy."
I smiled at him as he opened the door to his room and I turn and put my hand of the handle to the door that lead to Josh. I took a deep breath and opened the door. The lights were off in the room, but the bathroom light was on. It cascaded across the bed and over Josh. He was laying on his stomach, diagonally across the bed. He was laying on top of the covers with his clothes still on. On his head was the headphones to his walkman. I walked closer and stood there looking at him. My heart jumped at the sight of him. He looked so sexy laying there like that. I walked around the bed and pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down. I could slightly hear the music playing through his headphones...it was our song. A tear fell down my cheek as I gazed at his face in the dim light.
He was so beautiful...What the fuck was wrong with me. He loves me and yet I just can't give into that love. I ran over every minute that I had spent with Josh in my mind. All the feelings that I felt when I was with him hit me. The reasoning behind my doubts were lost to me.
I got up out of the chair and kneeled next to the bed. I could hear the song ending and the disk moving back to repeat the song. I carefully removed the headphones off his head and turned the player off and put it on the nightstand next to the bed. I looked back and him and as if on auto pilot, my hand went up to his face and the backs of my index and middle fingers started to lightly stroke his cheek. He hadn't shave that morning, so my fingers were running lightly over his whiskers.
I got up and carefully repositioned him on the bed so he was just on the left side. I lifted his feet and pulled the comforter, that was at the end of the bed, over him. Then I went and brushed my teeth and washed my face. I walked back into the room and took off my clothes and put on a pair of short and a t-shirt and slipped into the bed. I turned and shut the light off and laid my head on the pillow. My mind was still full of crap and my heart was felt like it was going to explode. I closed my eyes and after about 15 minute of just listening to Josh's breathing, I was out.