Author's Notes:
Hey all, sorry this chapter took so long to be posted. The weather has just been too good to sit in front of the computer and type.
A Welcome to the dance to:
Brandon "Two Souls in Passing"
Randy "Maverick"
Gretchen "Loves Desire"
http://www.geocities.com/lovesdesires
Brent "Gene"
(ack another BSB story, but it's a good one.)
Give these stories a read, they're all very good.
A hey to all that have written to me and all that continue to write. You all have a place in my heart. For those who haven't written to me yet, there's a place saved for you too.
k_magic@prodigy.net
A special shout out to Rick for brightening my nights and Kevin for rocking my world.
------------------------------ Beyond What Is - Chapter Eight ------------------------------
Driving down 101 towards San Jose, the ride was quiet. I hadn't noticed, but my hand was intertwined with Josh's. I looked down and saw this, but didn't move. I leaned back, feeling a level of comfort that I had never felt before. I closed my eyes and absorbed the feeling of being at peace.
"What are you thinking?"
I swallowed hard, opened my eyes and looked out the windshield at the bumper to bumper traffic that we were whizzing by in the carpool lane.
"Just about the last week, do you realize that we haven't even known each other a week yet."
I looked at him and he was nodding.
"Do you wish this week never happened?"
"Come on Josh..."
"I'm sorry Kyle, forget it."
"No...you're upset."
"Yeah, I am."
As he said that, he let my hand slip out of his and my heart dropped.
"Ok, tell me what did I do now?"
"It's nothing you did."
"Then what is it Josh? I'm not good at guessing games, please just tell me."
"I just want to know one thing...Do you love me?"
"Josh..."
"Fuck Kyle, can't you just answer the question....DO YOU LOVE ME?"
My head nodded.
"What, all of a sudden you can't talk...I want to hear you say it."
"Alright, I love you...are you satisfied...I love you."
"Damn....Now what was so hard about that?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"What the fuck does that mean, as if falling in love with you doesn't affect my life at all. That I don't have to admit to everyone in my life that I have feeling for a guy. As if I don't have to go to my parents and tell them that I'm gay. Tell me Kyle, what wouldn't I understand...tell me."
"Josh, it has nothing to do with that. I can give a flying fuck what other people think of me...It's just...it's hard for me to say I love someone. Every time I get to that point in a relationship where I can admit that I love someone...Something happens and the relationship ends. I've been hurt so many times, the words just won't leave my lips. And I don't want this to end."
"God...I'm such an idiot...please forgive me Kyle...I guess we're moving a little too fast. We still don't know each other as much as we think we do. But I'll tell you this, I've worked too hard to get to this point...you saying that you love me will not send me packing."
A smile formed on his face again. A smile that he probably used all his life to save him, to get him out of trouble, to put people under his spell. He took my hand back into his and as he drove, he was caressing the back of my hand with his thumb. It felt so weird to be sitting in my car on the receiving end of the exact same things that I used to do with Jen. It felt odd, it felt strange, but it felt so right.
"Kyle, I have another question for you."
"Huh...what?"
"Would you leave me for Jay?"
"WHAT?"
"If Jay came to sweep you off your feet, would you leave me for him?"
"What brought this on?"
"You said that you've always loved him...now answer the question."
"Well...."
"Answer..."
"No....No I wouldn't. Jay is like a brother to me...Plus, when we kissed, I felt nothing."
"Whoa...whoa...what was that...you and Jay kissed?"
"Yeah, the other night...When I confessed to him what my problems were."
"Haha...wait until I tell Lance."
"You wouldn't."
"Oh yes I would....This is way too funny to keep to myself."
"And what is so funny about it?"
"That studly Jason Martin kissed his best friend and it had no affect."
"Boy, I had you pegged wrong...I thought you were the nice one of the group."
"Nope, sorry...Joey is Nice Spice, Chris is Funny Spice, Justin is Cute Spice, Lance is Asshole Spice and Me...I pure Evil Spice."
"Good thing you didn't call yourself Funny Spice, cause ya ain't."
He just smiled and shook his head.
"What?"
"It just that Asshole Spice came to mind right now. You and Lance are so much alike...it's funny."
"Why do you think it's funny?"
"I don't know, it just that ever since Lance and Jay got together...Well Lance says that Jay is so much like me that it's eerie. Now, I get to know Jay's best friend and it turns out you are so much like Lance. It's just weird that it worked out that way...Lance falling for someone just like me...Me falling for someone just like Lance...Jay falling for someone just like you...you falling for someone just like Jay."
"Wait...you and Lance...did you have a thing for each other before?"
"No..No.....No...Well, I have always been attracted to him and from what I hear, he's always been attracted to me. But I think it is just like you and Jay. It could never work out. So I guess it was fate that we met and fell for someone that is just like the other."
I sat there looking at him. My mind wandered to the thought of how I am sitting here talking to a man...a man that I just met less than a week ago... talking about...OUR...RELATIONSHIP...My life had changed so much in that time and I felt at ease...relaxed...happy...content...like I had known Josh all my life...He was right, he reminded me of Jay...Was that the reason I fell for him...No, I fell for his eyes...I fell for his touch...I fell for Josh before I knew who he was.
"Hey Kyle."
"Huh...Yeah?"
"Sorry to interrupt your conversation."
"What?"
He smiled at me again. Shit I was talking out loud.
"Well you were mumbling to yourself and..."
"Damn, what did I say?"
"I don't know...I couldn't understand you...but it's not a problem, Lance does it all the time."
"Shut up already, I don't need to be reminded of how much I'm like the skin pigment challenged boy. Don't you guys ever let him out into the sun...The boy needs some color."
"Hey, don't talk to me. Talk to Jay about that. Any free time we have, Lance spends it in bed with that best friend of yours."
"How come I'm picturing Jay standing at the bed looking at white sheets asking Lance where he's laying cause his naked white body blends into the sheets."
"Ok, now Warped-Minded Spice is popping into my head."
"Cool, so I'm a warped-minded asshole."
"And I love you for it."
As he said that, he lifted my hand up to his lips and kissed the back of my hand again. Damn, did this boy know all the moves to make someone fall for him.
"So Kyle, where the hell are we."
"Oh sorry, We're in Santa Clara Take a right onto 17, it's about two mile away."
After about 15 minutes, we pulled up to Jay's house...My house...and we got out. I handed Josh the keys to the house.
"What's the plans?"
"Well, you wanted to get away...so we are getting away. Pack up your stuff. I'll be back in about 20 minutes."
I jumped into my car and went to my place. I quickly packed up some stuff and jumped back into the car and headed back to pick Josh up.
When I got back and went in, Josh was waiting on the couch.
"Ready?"
"Yeah."
"Let's hit it then."
We locked up the house and get back into the car.
"Where are we headed?"
I handed him the envelope.
"What's this?
"Open it."
He opened the envelope and took out a sheet of paper and the keys.
"It's a map and keys to Jay's family vacation house in Santa Barbara. Jay's mom left it to my parents. My mom must have left it in the car. So, since it's at our disposal...."
"Cool."
"You sure you want to go?"
"Kyle, I really want to get to know you a little better. The only way to do that is to get away...from the guys...from your family...from the real world. Yes I want to go."
"Ok." I said as I turned onto Highway 17 and headed towards highway 85.
"But don't you have some pop star stuff to do?"
"Yeah, but I can give a flying fuck about it right now. I've spent my whole teen age life getting to this point...I've missed a lot and I'm not going to let this opportunity slip by without a fight."
"Flying fuck...boy your teeny bop image is going to take a beating hanging around me. You're picking up some bad language. I bet your management is going to be awful mad about this afternoon too. I can only imagine how much it cost you guys for the studio and all."
"Don't worry about it. I'm sure they will do what they can without me. I'll just have to go into the studio sometime and do my part. And as if I never used such language before...Remember, we're the same age...I haven't been lock away in some goodie goodie ward somewhere."
"What, don't you think they can use what you did this afternoon."
"Oh yeah, right. Me pouring out all my emotions to some thick headed guy while Lance is there next to me telling me to stop can't really be use in a song. Plus, I think it sounded a little too angry for what we were going for."
"Well, you got my attention with it. I've got to tell you, you shook me to the core with your message. I needed that Josh, thank you."
"God, I can only imagine what your parents think right now."
"Fuck....fuck...I kinda forgot that they were there. I guess I will be having a talk with my family some time...shit."
"It's ok Kyle. Don't worry, if you want, I'll be there with you when you break the news."
"Thanks Josh, but it's alright. I think after today, I'm pretty sure they now have an idea and they probably have Jay backed into a corner making him tell them everything they know. Plus, I think Mom had an idea already."
"Yeah, I think she did. She was pushing pretty hard that first night I met them."
"I'm sorry Josh."
"Don't worry about it, Kyle. Your family is great. I hope my family can be as open minded as yours."
"You've got to realize that they've had all these years being close with Jay. But I still don't know how they will react when I finally sit down and talk to them."
"Well, I will be there right behind you and I'm sure Jay will be too."
"Thank you Josh...You look kinda tired, you can take a nap. It's a long drive and it looks like were heading out at the wrong time...Rush hour."
"No, I'm cool. I'll keep you company."
"I'm going to have to put in my driving music, I hope you don't mind."
"No, anything is fine with me."
I hit the CD button and choose disk 4 and the music started.
"Sorry, I just need some relaxing music while I'm driving."
"Oh you're kidding me right....Roberta Flack....I love this CD."
"The First Time Ever I saw your Face has got to be my all time favorite song."
He took my hand in his and smiled at me.
"Hearing it reminds me of the first time I ever saw your face."
"I swear Josh, you come up with the cheesiest things to say sometimes, but don't change...I could so get used to it."
His thumb started to work it's magic over the back of my hand.
I hit the track button until it was on track 4.
"Now this is the song that reminds me of you Josh."
As the music started, he laughed.
"Really...Killing me Softly...How should I take that?"
"I'm just playin with you...It's the next song."
He reached out and hit the forward button.
"I know what song you're are talking about, I just want to hear it right now."
He squeezed my hand and brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of it. I could never get sick of him doing that.
We listened to "The Closer I get to you" in silence. This time it was my turn to caress the back of his hand as I drove. As the song ended, I turned off on the exit before 101.
"I've got to get gas and we need to start taking the backroads from here."
He nodded and reached out and hit the repeat button. I pulled into the gas station and pulled up to the pump. I got out and went in, grabbed some sodas and junk food and paid. I went out and put the stuff in the car and started pumping the gas. There was a girl about 18 pumping gas infront of us and she was staring into the car. Josh looked down and put on his sunglasses. She waved at me.
"Excuse me...the guy in your car...is he....is he JC by any chance?"
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"The guy in your car....is he JC from Nsync?"
"Who?"
"JC from Nsync."
"Instinct?"
"No Nsync, the musical group."
"Oh...Nsync...Musical group?...I didn't know they played instruments."
"Whatever...is he JC?"
"Hahaha...no...God, wait until I tell my cousin Fred you think he looks like a pop star."
She looked at Josh again as I banged on the driver side window.
"Hey Fred....That little girl thinks you look like JC from Nsync, do you want to come out and give her an autograph?"
He pulled down his shades and glared at me over the top of them.
I looked up and she had her hands on her hips, glaring at me too.
"Little Girl? I ain't no little girl."
"It's...I'm not a little girl...and Fred says he doesn't do autographs."
"Asshole" she said as she flipped me off and finished pumping her gas. She jumped in her car and took off. I finished and got into the car.
"Well that was fun."
"Gee thanks Kyle...You could've been nicer to her, after all she is one of our fans. I would've given her a autograph."
"Josh, look around, right around that curve is a junior high school. Right next door is Carl's Jr and it's full of kids from that school. Just how long did you want to sign autographs for?"
He looked around and noticed all the kids around.
"I guess you're right."
"Plus, I ain't in no sharing mood."
"It's...I'm not in a sharing mood."
I flipped him off and drove off.
"Incase you're wondering, we're taking the backroads all the way to Morgan Hill. The highway during rush hour is practically at a dead stop and there AIN'T NO carpool lane."
"Whatever."
"Josh, I'm sorry for back there...but you've got to realize, I'm not used to being around famous people such as yourself. I don't know how to deal with situations that you have to deal with. Next time, I promise I'll throw you to the wolves. I just thought I was doing you a favor."
"It's ok Kyle, I'm not mad. I know you only had my best interests in mind and I appreciate it. I don't know, maybe I'm just a little tired after all."
"Well Fred, try closing those beautiful eyes of yours and get some sleep. We have a long drive ahead of us."
"Are you sure."
"Yeah, Josh go ahead. To be truthful, I tend to like it quiet while I drive. I like just to hear music and the sound of the road. And I swear if you mention the name Lance and something about me being just like him...I will turn the car around that throw you out infront of the school back there."
"No, I was going to say that I know what you mean, it really annoys me when I'm driving with Chris or Joey, they can't shut up."
"Jay's like that too, I've pulled over onto the side of the road many times and threatened to kick his ass out of the car."
He smiled as he reclined the seat and put his sunglasses back on. He reached out and pressed the CD button on my radio and Roberta started up again. I reached over and took his hand into mine and the music soothed him to sleep. My thumb was automatically caressing the back of his hand. It all just felt so right.
I stopped once, in San Luis Obispo to get gas, stretch and grab some dinner. I woke Josh up right after filling the gas tank. We stopped at a diner and each got a club sandwich and some fries to go. We ate in the car to avoid people and then got back onto the highway. The drive took a total of just over 6 hours and it was 10 pm when we pulled into Santa Barbara. With the direction given, it took us about 10 minutes to reach the house. Well, to reach the beach house to be exact. The damn place was a kick ass beach front house. A four bedroom...two and a half bathroom...huge ass family room and kitchen...master bedroom looking out at the ocean with a deck...fuckin' beach house.
"Fuck." I said as I opened the door.
"Nice...you've never been here before?"
"Nope, and Jay hasn't either."
"What?"
"Yeah, his mom wanted to keep him away from the spoiled life. She wanted him to be grounded. To know who he was and not what was in his bank account."
"Wow...He's going to be upset if he ever sees this."
"Yeah he will."
We took a tour of the house and then went to get our bags. Josh started to walk into one the bedrooms.
"Where are you going?"
"Well, I thought...."
"Josh, I brought you here so we could get to know each other a little better... how can we do that if you're way off in another room."
"But I thought that you wanted to take things slow...."
"Josh, just because we are in the same bed, doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. I just want to hold you, feel you, be close to you."
"Kyle, I don't think I could handle being that close to you without something happening."
"Well, who knows...It just might. Can't we just take it minute by minute and find out."
He nodded and smiled, then took hold of my outstretched hand. I pulled him into the master bedroom. When we got inside, we split, him going to the left side of the bed and I went to the right and set our bags onto the bed. It was so natural. When I first got with Jen, we had to struggle with which side of the bed we got. We both wanted the right side. I had given into her, but always felt uncomfortable sleeping on the left side.
We unpacked and I went out onto the deck. I was standing there watching the waves pound against the beach. I felt Josh walk up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist.
"Beautiful isn't it." He whispered into my ear. My legs got weak as his breath and words entered my ear. My heart started to pound faster. Fuck was this guy sexy. He set his chin onto my shoulder and squeezed tighter around my waist and I leaned back against him. Out in the ocean, the incoming storm was rumbling closer. Flashes of lightening lit up the ocean sky. The wind was picking up, yet we stood there watching the lightening and listening to the thunder as it boomed across the sky.
I stood there in his arms, mind empty and heart full until his arms left my waist. He lifted my hand off the deck railing and slip in-between the railing and me. My eyes met his as he took my hands and placed them on his waist. I was lost in those eyes once again as his hand raised up to my cheek and lightly stroked it with the back of his index finger. He took my head into his hands and leaned in and as my eyes closed, his lips came in contact with mine. As my lips parted, he began kissing my bottom lip. As his lips broke away from mine, I opened my eyes. His ice blue eyes were there to meet mine.
"Fuck" I whispered as his finger went back to stroking my cheek.
He bowed his head and started chuckling. I pulled him away from the railing and drew him closer to me and placed my head on his shoulder. He placed his hands on my waist and leaned his head down onto mine. We started to rock back and forth to the sound of the thunder.
"Let's go inside" he whispered into my ear as the rain started hitting us.