Author's Notes:
To all...A big HEY to everyone who writes, has written and will be writing to me (hint hint).
k_magic@prodigy.net
I'll keep this short...
But the one thing I have to say...Congrats to Tonny for coming out of the closet...as the author of La Vita E Bela. : )
Disclaimer: If you want to read a disclaimer, visit any story on Nifty...there are plenty of them to read and you will enjoy what follows them.
----------------------------- Beyond What Is - Chapter Four -----------------------------
"Kyle...I...."
"Hey guys, I hope I'm not disturbing anything"
Lance walked into the kitchen smiling. I looked at Josh and he was glaring at Lance as if he was the most hated man on the planet. Then I looked at Lance and smiled at him, mentally thanking him for barging in and saving me from a conversation that I knew that I was not ready to hear.
"Hey Lance, do you want something to drink?"
"Yeah, I'll take whatever you guys are having."
Lance sat down in the chair next to Josh as I got up to get him a drink. I could hear Josh whispering to him.
"You fuckin have the greatest timing."
"Sorry. geesh."
I walked back to the table and handed Lance his drink.
"Where's Jay?"
"He went into his mom's room, he wanted to be alone for a while."
The room grew quiet as Lance took a drink of his Coke and Josh sat there glaring at him with his arms folded across his chest.
"So you guys had to cancel your concert, aren't all the girls going to be disappointed."
"Yeah, but there is no way I was going to not be here for Jay, so we said that I had a family emergency and JC was not feeling good. The other three were going to stick in town and do some public appearances to help smooth things over."
"So they will be coming here tomorrow?"
"Yeah, Kenny will be here too. They felt bad that they couldn't come with us, but you know how things go. Actually, we were suppose to be out this way on Monday anyways. We have a meeting with a few people to go over some of the new material for our next album. We were suppose to meet them in LA, but I think our manager is going to fly them up to the Bay Area instead."
"How is the new album coming along?"
"Well, with the law suit and all...I guess it's going ok."
"Lawsuit?"
"Oh you don't know...We signed with a new record company and our old one is suing us for breach of contract. It's a long story."
"I'm sorry to hear that, I hope everything work out ok."
"I'm sure it will. We know we are in the right and we will prevail."
All during our conversation, Josh sat there quiet, lost in thought.
"If you two will excuse me, I want to go check on Jay."
I got up and as I walked out the door, I hear JC speaking in a not so friendly voice to Lance. I walked up the stairs and went to Jay's mom's room. I knocked lightly. I didn't hear anything so I opened the door slowly.
"Jay...can I come in."
As the door opened, I slide my head inside and looked in. Jay was kneeling beside his mother's bed, grasping her pillow with his face buried in it. I walked quietly up behind him, not knowing what to say or if he even knew I was there. As I got behind him he lifted his head looking straight ahead, not looking at me.
"I miss her Kyle...I don't know what I'm going to do without her."
His voice as so low and hollow, I could barely hear what he said. I stood behind him trying to think of what to say.
"Kyle...I'm all alone now...I have nobody."
His head went down into the pillow again and he started sobbing.
I kneeled next to him and put my hand on his shoulder.
"Now you listen to me Jason Martin...I have known you almost all my life, is that all I mean to you....nothing...Look around you Jason, you are not alone. You will always have me, my family and there is a certain someone downstairs who would be heartbroken if he heard what you just said."
Jay lifted his head and looked at me with tears flowing down his face.
"You can't understand, you have both your parents, I have nothing... no roots...no one. You're not my family...I'm all alone.
"Jason Martin...you may have just lost your mother, but you can go fuck yourself."
As I said that I turned and left the room and walked quickly down stairs and out the door. I jumped in my car and started the engine. Just as I was about to put the car into drive, the passenger door opened and someone jumped in. I looked over and it was Jay.
"Drive Kyle."
"Get out Jason...I don't want to talk to you right now."
"Shut up and drive...we need to talk...take the therapy route."
I slammed the gear into drive and took off fast out of the drive way and headed towards Highway 9.
"Slow down before you kill us both and end my family line completely."
"I hate to break it to you, but you are the end of your family line...unless you were planning on having some warped relationship with some lesbian to have a baby."
I smiled, until I felt him flick my earlobe with his finger.
"Damn...what was that for..."
"You have a smart ass answer for everything don't you..."
We both chuckled and then went silent as I turned the car onto Highway 9. We started on our journey that we had taken many times before. We called it our therapy route cause that is the ride we took when we wanted to talk about serious stuff. No distractions, no pressure, just the two of us driving on a long drive and talking. It was on one of these drives that Jay told me he was gay, another one when he told me he wanted to kill himself, another one was when Travis, his first boyfriend had broken his heart, another when Sarah, my first serious girlfriend had broken my heart. It's what we did when we were bored on Friday and Saturday nights...it was our salvation from life.
"Kyle, I'm sorry for what I said...you know you and your family mean the world to me. I just wasn't thinking, my mind was on Mom."
"It's ok Jay...I'm not mad, I think this has hit me a little harder than I thought it would emotionally. When you said that, I don't know...it just hurt and I had to get out of there."
"I would never do anything to hurt you Ky, I love you...probably more than you realize."
"Is that a proposition?"
"Smart ass."
"Well...."
"It would have been a few months ago."
"Awww I didn't know you cared so much for me."
"Kyle, I've been in love with you since high school, you just don't know what it's like to be in love with your best friend and know what you want will never come true."
"Wow...I never knew...how come you never told me."
"I didn't want to risk losing you as a friend, that would've killed me."
"Jay, I wouldn't have cared, I think it's great."
"Oh yeah...great, I bet you didn't know that when you slept over my house or I stayed over your house, I used to spend most of the night just sitting there watching you sleep."
"Shut up...seriously?"
"Yep...and...."
"And what?"
"I even kissed you on the lips once."
"Get out...really....did it look like I liked it?"
"You're an ass Kyle."
"Tongue?"
"Shut up Kyle."
"Now you didn't do anything else did you...morning wood and all."
"You are such a pervert...I would never do that to you."
"Damn...here I could have been getting some while I slept, but noooo you wouldn't do that to me."
"I swear Kyle, sometimes you are just too much."
"Well you know, I learned from the master."
"Kyle... can I ask you something?"
"What would you like to ask?"
"Promise me first that you will answer truthfully and not get mad."
"Jay, you know I could never get mad at you, I may hate you with all my being, but I could never be mad at you. And yes, I promise to tell you the truth...but please don't go off on one of your Is there a god kicks again."
"I just want to know what you think of Lance?"
"What I think of Lance...Now why would you think I would get mad about you asking me what I think of Lance?"
"Well, that's another question I'll ask later."
"Oh great there's more than one. So what do I think of Lance... hmmm well from what I know of him, he is the perfect man for you. If there was just one person in the whole world you were meant to be with, I believe that he is that person for you."
"It's just so hard...you know...our schedules...his fame...it's killing me to have to hide the way we do."
"Well who said love was easy...just hang on as tight as you can and hope at the end you are still in each other's arms. You have fought for everything you wanted and gotten it. Keep fighting Jay and everything will work out for the best."
"I just wish we could go out and be ourselves and not worry about how it's going to affect his career."
"Jay...where is it written that you have to go out and scream at the top of your lung that you are Jason Martin and you are gay and that this is your boyfriend Lance...go out and have fun...just leave all the other stuff that could get Lance's career in trouble at home. Let that stuff be special between you two...you'll learn to appreciate it more that way."
"Fuckin Dr Kyle...I hate that you are able to this for me. I feel that you have been solving my problems our whole lives...One of these days I will be able to help you out as much as you've helped me."
"I highly doubt it, I'm not a big of as fuck up as you."
He punched me in the shoulder as we drove out of the mountians into Santa Cruz.
"North or South?"
He looked out the window and in a low voice said "South"
I headed to Highway 1 and jumped on going south.
"Ok, what's the question you're going to ask me that I am going to hate you for?"
"Are you sure you want to hear it?"
"I guess."
"What do you think about Josh?"
As soon as the word Josh entered my ear, my mind froze. I was in the car driving, but I was off in some void...time stopped."
"Ky...Kyle, I asked you a question."
"What do you mean what do I think of him?"
"Do you have feeling for him?"
"I don't know how to answer that Jason."
"Could you love him Kyle?"
"Could I love a man...I don't know."
"I didn't ask you if you could love a man, I asked you if you could love Josh."
My hands got sweaty and my mouth got dry. I couldn't focus on the road in front of me. Tears were welling up in my eyes. Jay put his hand on mine to steady the steering wheel.
"The truth Kyle."
As I wiped the tears out of my eyes and dried my hands on my pants I nodded.
"Are you going to tell him."
"I....I....I...can't Jay...I just can't."
"Kyle, if you love him...you've got to tell him."
"And do what...go off and live happily ever after. Jay I don't even know who I am anymore...I just admitted that I am gay..."
"No, you just admitted that you have feeling for Josh, you are still Kyle. The same Kyle that is my best friend, the same Kyle that your parents gave birth too and raised, the same Kyle that everyone loves."
"The Kyle that just admitted that he has feeling for a man."
"The same Kyle that once told me that I would know love when it hit me, that my heart would tell me, so trust my heart...Kyle... what does your heart tell you?"
I had instinctively turned onto the road that lead to the beach we always went too. I couldn't speak. My heart was racing, my mind was blank.
"Kyle?"
I made every turn in the road without knowing I was making them. I stared straight ahead, not blinking."
"Kyle...what does your heart tell you."
The car reached the parking area and I slammed on the breaks stopping the car in a parking space. I threw my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes. In the darkness it came to me. Jason put the gear in park and pulled up on the emergency brakes and turned off the ignition.
"Kyle....what is your heart telling you?"
".....that I love him."
"So what's the problem then?"
"What would you do if all of a sudden a woman entered your life and you fell for her, even though you've lived your whole live loving only men and the whole world expected you to only love men?"
"Let me use one of your little catch all phrases that I had to listen to all these years...follow your heart...It doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks. The only thing that matters is, at the end, you can look back on your life and know that you filled all the emptiness in your heart."
"So you did listen to all the bullshit that I flung at you."
"Of course I did, you were the only person that made sense... the one person who's advice I could follow and know that everything would turn out right.
"Ok, if you listen so good to me, what advice would I give myself right now?"
"You would say something like, Kyle, I know you're scared... who wouldn't be...but there is no reason you can't explore the feelings you have for Josh without announcing it to the world. Take your time and see who you are and when the time comes and you feel comfortable with who you are...then you can make the decision to tell the world who you are."
"Damn, I'm good."
"You sure are."
"Thanks Jay."
"You are more than welcome...Wow...I help Kyle with a problem... I am GOD."
"So, a gay god...What would the Pope say?"
The car got quiet as Jay's head dropped and his eyes closed, when I looked at him I saw a tear drop out of his eye. I waited for him to gather his thoughts. After a few more minutes of silence, he spoke in a very low, almost child-like voice.
"Do you think Mom's in heaven?"
Jay and I were very much alike, but the one difference was in our beliefs. Jay had grown up attending church every Sunday, being a good little god fearing boy. I grew up with parents who didn't believe in forcing religion onto their children. And let us grow up with the hope that when the time was right, we would choose our own beliefs. Jay and I had spent hours and hours discussing what we believed to be true. Neither one of us proving to the other that they were right.
"Jay, lets go for a walk."
We got out of the car and started walking over the dunes in silence. We finally reached the ocean and started walking down the beach.
"Jay...you know what I believe...but if it help to ease your pain, yes she is in heaven."
"What do you really think...I want to know Ky."
"Jay, do you love your Mother?"
"Of course I do."
"Then she is in your heart right?"
"Yeah."
"Then that is where she is Jay...she is in your heart...in my heart...in every person's heart that her life touched. She will live on as long as all our heart are still beating."
We stopped walking and sat down in the sand.
"I'm going to miss her Kyle."
"So am I Jay, so am I......and Jay, can I ask you something?"
"Yeah."
"Is your head all straighten out now, cause I freezing my nuts off."
"Well you are the one that wanted to get out of the car. Let's go."
We got up and ran back to the car. I was dead tired, but the drive home was one of my favorite. I took Hecker Pass home. It's a two lane road over Mt Madonna and it's steep and full of curves. I love to drive on it, but Jay hates it. So we were both wide awake on the ride over Mt. Madonna. Once over it though, Jay was out. The sun was starting to rise as I pulled into Jay's driveway.
I woke Jay up and we dragged ourselves in the house. As we hit the stairs, we noticed Lance and Josh asleep on the couch in the family room. Both were sitting up, but their heads were resting against each other. Jay walked into the room and started shaking Lance.
"Babe...let's go to bed...Lance...come on, let's go."
Lance's eyes opened and he smiled as he looked at Jay. Jay leaned down and kissed him and pulled him up. Josh's head fell to the cushion as Lance rose off the couch.
"Huh...what?"
"Sorry Josh, Jay and Kyle are home...head up to bed. Thanks for waiting with me."
"You waited for me, that is so sweet...Thanks Lance."
"Of course I waited for you, I was worried."
"What time is it?" Josh said with a yawn.
"It's 6:30, head up to bed sexy." Jay said messing up his hair.
We all walked up the stairs and I headed into the bathroom. After taking a quick piss and brushing my teeth, I headed to my room. Got undressed and threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I had some clothes stashed away in my room for when I slept over. As I started to climb into bed, there was a knock at the door.
"It's open."
The door opened and Josh stuck his head in.
"Can I come in for a sec."
"Sure Josh, what's on your mind?"
Josh stepped into the room and walked over to the bed and sat down.
"I was just wondering if there is anything we need to do...you know for the funeral?"
"No, the funeral is going to be tomorrow at 5 pm. We have to be here at the house to meet with Jane's lawyer on Monday at 10 am. Shoot, I forgot to ask Lance if he can make it. The lawyer asked for him to be here."
"We have to meet with some people on Monday at 9 am, but I'm sure Lance can miss that meeting. Jay will have to drive him up to San Francisco after though. Our management has reserved a studio for us at 2 pm to do some recording for our new record."
"Any song that I might like?"
"I hope so...we've chosen about 8 songs so far to put on the album and they are all really good."
His face lit up while he was talking about their new album. I smiled and him, but my eyes were barely open.
"I should go, you're almost asleep."
"No it's (yawn) ok...That song you guys sung This I promise you... that is a very good song. I liked it a lot."
"Thanks, it was written my Richard Marx..."
Josh's voice was fading out and I couldn't keep my eyes open. The sound of the fountain was so soothing. It always helped to put me to sleep. As Josh continued to talk, darkness took over and I was asleep.
Out of the darkness came voices. It was Jay talking with someone else. I too far out of it to open my eyes.
"I can't believe they can sleep in here it is to noisy with that fountain and way too light."
"Believe it, Kyle can sleep through anything, anywhere. He's the only one who can sleep in this room. I just can't believe there is another person who can do it too."
"Should we wake them."
Their words hit me, but my mind didn't comprehend nor did my eyes want to open.
"Don't bother, I'm awake."
"Good morning Ky....."
As Jay's voice continued, I felt the bed shaking.
"Good morning Josh."
And then I felt it. A movement on the bed. I opened my eyes and the sun light hit them. It took me a few seconds, but when the blurriness cleared from my eyes, I was looking straight at Josh's face. Jay was shaking his shoulders trying to wake him. I sat up and looked around. I was tucked into bed, when I know for a fact I had never climbed under the covers. Josh was laying on his side facing me with his head propped up on his arms...like he had fallen asleep looking at me.
"Josh, time to get up."
Jay was still lightly shaking him and Lance had walked out of the room only to return a few seconds later.
"Jay, that won't work...Here let me try."
Lance walked over to the bed as Jay moved out of his way. I got out of bed. Being someone on the other end of wake up tactics, I didn't want to be anywhere near when Josh woke up. Lance kneeled next to the bed and put a small tape recorder up to Josh's ear and press the button. Out of the tape recorder came a high pitched scream followed by a girl yelling..."Oh my god it's JC." Followed by screams from a whole bunch of girls.
Josh sprang up in bed and started to look around wildly with his eyes wide open in fear. As he did this, his arm flung around and hit Lance square on the cheek knocking him onto his ass.
Lance and Jay were laughing so hard they couldn't talk as Josh finally realized what was going on.
"You guys are such assholes."
"Josh, just to let you know, I wasn't involved."
"Thanks Kyle." Josh said as he got up and jumped on top of Lance on the floor.
"Think that was sooo funny huh Albino boy....it wasn't funny the first time you did it and it still isn't."
Josh and Lance were wrestling around on the floor as Jay grabbed Josh around the waist and lifted him off and back onto the bed.
"Knock it off you two, before you start kissing and fucking on the floor."
Lance grabbed Jay by the leg and pushed on the back of his knee. Jay fell to the floor and was immediately pounced on by Lance.
"Nope, that is reserved only for you." Lance said as he leaned down and started kissing Jay.
"I'm getting out of here before I start getting sick." Josh said as he left the room.
"Hey Josh, get dressed and come downstairs. Your studly band member has already made something for us to eat."
Jay and Lance got up off the floor and walked by me. Lance smiled and Jay winked at me.
"What was that for?"
"Feels good to wake up looking at the face of someone you love, doesn't it."
Jay and Lance ran out the door, but not before my foot caught Jay right on the ass.
"Asshole"
I heard them laughing all the way down the hall and down the stairs as I turned to get ready. After dressing and doing all my necessities in the bathroom, I headed downstairs. When I got to the kitchen, Jay and Lance were sitting at the table. I walked over to Jay and put my hand on his shoulder.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm fine, thanks for last night Ky. I don't know what I would do without you...Foods on the counter."
"Cool...you didn't help...did you."
"Oh no way...I wouldn't let him help even if he offered."
"So, you've had some of his cooking. How was the ride to the hospital?"
"Shut up Kyle."
"Well, no but I noticed that his refrigerator is always empty, and he has take out menus all over his apartment. So I just figured."
"Smart man."
"It's call survival skills, you need them...especially if you are presented with food that Josh has cooked."
"Hey...I heard that." Josh said walking into the room. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with my cooking."
"Right...what was that you served us that one time. Pasta ball a la Josh."
"Pasta Ball?" I said looking at Lance.
"Yeah, some bright Julia Childs wannabe cooked us dinner and didn't feel like waiting for the water to boil before adding the pasta."
"He didn't."
"Yep and it all stuck together and we got to eat this big clump of pasta that was soft on the outside, but hard on the inside. We lucked out cause he opened a jar of sauce instead of trying to make it from scratch."
Jay put his hand on Josh's shoulder as he sat down.
"Don't let them get you down, we do other things that they could never touch."
"He actually ate that stuff, I guess his pride got in the way. We all headed to McDonalds. Actually, we found it all in the garbage the next day so he just pretended to eat it."
We all got a chuckle out of Lance's story as we all resumed eating lunch.
"Oh, Ky...Mom called while you were in the shower, she invited us all over for dinner tonight.
"Damn...speaking of bad cooks."
"Ky, your Mom's a great cook."
"You think so because you'll eat anything. If she was such a good cook, I would have been happy with eating her food instead of learning to cook my own."
"Well, anyways, I told her we would be there at 5pm and then we have to pick up the guys at 8 pm at the airport."
"SFO?"
"No, San Jose."
"Do you need to do anything before then?"
"Yeah, Lance and Josh want to go get some clothes for Mom's service."
We finished eating and headed out to the mall. It was crowed with Christmas shoppers who's minds were focussed on shopping, so the guys were not noticed. Jay was very quiet and it probably had to do with the time of the year and not being able to ever spend it with his mother again. We tried when ever possible, to cheer him up. It worked sometimes, while other times he just stared at us with a blank stare.
We all bought some clothes to wear and headed over to my parents house. We walk into the front door and were greeted by Kellie, who brushed right passed me and Jay and went to say hello to Lance and Josh. Then I was brushed aside by Shelly, who pulled Jay into a hug.
"I am so sorry Jay, is there anything I can do?"
"No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking Shell."
My mom entered the room and brushed passed me and pulled Jay into another hug.
"How are you doing today Honey."
"I'm doing fine Mom. Don't worry about me, I have Kyle to watch over me."
"Ok...are you boys ready for dinner, it's almost ready. Kellie honey leave them alone, let them relax."
Lance and Josh walked into the room.
"Shelly, this is Josh and my boyfriend Lance...guys this is Kyle's sister and Kellie's mom Shelly."
"I know your faces...where have is seen you before?"
"Probably in your daughter's room...on the wall."
"What do you mean Ky?"
"Kell's room...poster...they're in that group that I took Kell to see."
"Oh...oh my god...you're right. No wonder Kellie wanted to stay here when Mom asked if we wanted to stay for dinner. It's nice to meet you guys. Where is Kellie's future husband? You two don't look like the one plastered all over her wall."
"We have to pick him up at 8 pm."
"Ok guys come to the table, dinner is ready."
We went to the table and sat down. Dad joined us and said his hello's as Mom brought out the food.
"Mmm smells good Mom."
"Thanks Jay, but compliment Shell, she did most of the cooking."
"Thank god." I whispered to myself.
I was kicked under the table by Shelly. She had made a pot roast with mashed potatoes and gravy. We all ate with lite conversation, mostly Kell asking Lance and Josh questions and them answering. All during dinner, my eyes kept being drawn to Josh. He would look back and smile. I would turn away and try not to do it again, but time and time again my gaze would end up back on Josh.
After we had finished eating, we continued to talk at the table. Something all of a sudden hit Jay and he excused himself from the table and walked into the backyard. Lance excused himself and followed Jay outside.
"Jay really found himself a good guy there didn't he?"
"Yeah Mom, Lance is a great guy."
She smiled and got up.
"Kyle, clear the table please."
I got up and started clearing the table.
"Let me help you." Josh said picking up some plates.
Mom was in the kitchen washing the dishes as we finished.
"Josh, go sit down and relax. Kyle can finish up here."
"It's ok, I'll help."
"Josh, do as she says. She'll keep arguing with you until she gets her way. One thing about my Mom is that she always gets her way."
"Ok." He said placing his hand on my shoulder. "I know the feeling, my mother is just like that."
He walked out of the kitchen and I grabbed a dish towel to start drying the dishes.
"You know, I wish you and Dad would buy a dishwasher."
She turned off the water and turned to me.
"Kyle, is there something you want to talk about?"
I looked at her with a confused look on my face.
"No, not really...Is there something I should be talking over with you?"
"Well..."
"Come on Mom, we both know that you have something on your mind and neither of us is going to get any rest until you get it off your chest...so what is it?"
"I don't know...it's just...you and that boy Josh...is there something you want to tell me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, there is something between you two...the looks I see you two exchanging and the feeling I get when you two are in the same room. Kyle is there something I should know?"
I felt the blood drain from my face as I stood there unable to talk.